
- Doug's Rule
Anyone who is on fire or covered in corrosive acid will be asked to leave immediately.
- Doug's Rule, part 2
Anyone who sets another person or item on fire or covers him/her/it in corrosive acid will also be asked to leave immediately.
- The Clown Rule
No clowns. No non-mylar balloons. That goes double for balloon animals, and triple for clowns making balloon animals. And we're SO not kidding here.
Anyone caught abusing, taunting malevolently, or in general mistreating any of the feline/canine occupants of our house will be immediately executed. No exceptions. The household animals will be present during this fete, but shut away from trampling feet and open doors. If you wish to commune with them, please ask first, as they are slippery devils whose brilliant machinations could result in grievous injury. In the event they do escape their confines, let us know. And for gods' sakes, don't let them get to the outside, lest they begin to hunt in packs, mowing down hapless trick-or-treaters. Plus there's the cars.
We own lots of knick-knacks/collectibles and have no children. Therefore, there are quite a few dangerous items lying around the place within a child's reach -- fire, caustic chemicals, sharp pokey things (not to mention the porn). If you bring your kids, expect to watch them. We love short people, but unless we're babysitting, we've probably not child-proofed nearly enough! That being said, if your kids want to come by, early on in the evening, and check out our decor, have a cupcake and get introduced to mom and dad's REALLY weird friends... bring 'em on. Once it starts getting dark (or thereabouts, depending on how fast some people drink), you'll probably want to take the kiddies home to bed, lest they get any, uh, new ideas that you'd probably rather them not share with their teacher. Right? Yeah.
- Subsection 1: Party Rules
It is perfectly permissible to talk about your "wild days of youth". However, we are no longer interested in recreating them. Drugs, underage drinkers, random hookups in dark closets (ours, not yours -- go home and do as you like!), and reckless vomiting are totally off-limits.
Because it is permissable to discuss the things listed in Party Rule 1A, and because the social makeup of these sorts of gatherings can be mixed, it is expected that you will discover the identity of any new aquaintences -- to ensure they are not the boss, underling, significant other, child, or parent of the host or another guest -- *before* you tell any wild stories involving other guests or the host(s).
If you have had too much to drink, you will not drive home. We will find you a ride, call you a cab, or throw some blankets on the front porch so you don't freeze to death out there.
All cigarette butts will be disposed of properly. Throwing them in the yard or driveway is not 'properly'. Ashtrays and ashcans will be provided on the porches and in the garage. Smoking is not permitted in the house.
- Subsection 2: Rules concerning Shots of Liquor
At any time, at the discretion of the hosts, a bottle of fine liquor and three skull-shaped shot glasses may be made available to any of-age guests, with a few simple but unbreakable caveats:
This liquor must be consumed three shots at a time from the three shot glasses that are provided, with one person per shot glass.
Shots can be poured as stiff or as mild as the drinker prefers.
The shots must be set up and poured, and then consumed simultaneously by the correct number of drinkers. Some form of celebratory exultation is appreciated, but not required.
If a glass is broken or otherwise unavailable, then two shots must be consumed, etc.. If there are no glasses remaining, the party is over, and apparently it was a rousing success but we're likely never having one again.
Drinking to the point of vomiting is discouraged. Vomiting anywhere but the bathroom is prohibited. If you get alcohol poisoning, or do something equally stupid while drunk, just remember -- we believe in Darwin. We'll let you die.
"I was drunk" is not an appropriate excuse for breaking any of the above rules. In fact, the punishment for offering "I was drunk" as an excuse for poor behavior is being set on fire. Outside.
All rules are subject to modification by residents of the house and only residents of the house, except for Subsection 1C and the entirety of Subsection 8 which are unmodifiable and apply to all persons, no exceptions. Residents of the house may appoint honorary residence upon any guest of their choosing. Honorary guests may make decisions regarding the house and its occupants, but not in violation of The Rules unless approved by an actual rent-paying housemate.
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