Politically Correct Night before Christmas

Carl W. Conrad (cwconrad@artsci.wustl.edu)
Thu, 12 Dec 1996 09:12:19 -0600

As I don't know the original source of this "politically correct" parody, I
shall omit the source whence I got it shortly ago

>> A Christmas Poem
>> 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck . . .
>> How to live in a world that's politically correct?
>> His workers no longer would answer to "Elves."
>> "Vertically Challenged: they are calling themselves.
>> And labor conditions at the north pole
>> Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
>> Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
>> Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
>> And equal employment had made it quite clear
>> That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
>> So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
>> Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
>> The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
>> The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
>> And people had started to call for the cops
>> When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
>> Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
>> His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
>> And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
>> Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
>> And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
>> Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
>> So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
>> Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
>> Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
>> Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
>> And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
>> That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
>> Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
>> Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
>> Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
>> Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
>> Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
>> Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
>> Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
>> Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
>> No candy or sweets . . . they were bad for the tooth.
>> Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
>> And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
>> Were like Ken and Barbie, better off ridden.
>> For they raised the hackles of those psychological
>> Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
>> No baseball, no football . . . someone could get hurt;
>> Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
>> Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
>> And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
>> So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
>> He just could not figure out what to do next.
>> He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
>> But you've got to be careful with that word today.
>> His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
>> Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
>> Something special was needed, a gift that he might
>> Give to all without angering the left or the right.
>> A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
>> Each group of people, every religion;
>> Every ethnicity, every hue,
>> Everyone, everywhere . . . even you.
>> So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth . . .
>> "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Carl W. Conrad
Department of Classics, Washington University
One Brookings Drive, St. Louis, MO, USA 63130
(314) 935-4018
cwconrad@artsci.wustl.edu OR cwc@oui.com
WWW: http://www.artsci.wustl.edu/~cwconrad/