Off topic, but you'll like it

From: Craig R. & Becky J. Harmon (revcraigh@iexpress.net)
Date: Thu Jan 14 1999 - 03:38:55 EST


A friend sent this to me and I laughed so hard it hurt. Enjoy
-----Original Message-----
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 11:33 AM
Subject: Fwd: Resume/Cover Letter Blurbs

>I thought you might enjoy these.
>
>>Subject: Resume/Cover Letter Blurbs
>>THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN
>>THE
>>JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
>>
>> 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
>>
>> 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet
>> progroms."
>>
>> 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
>>
>> 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
>> institutions."
>>
>> 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
>>
>> 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
>>
>> 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
>>
>> 8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
>>
>> 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
>>
>> 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
>>
>> 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
>>
>> 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
>> commitments."
>>
>> 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
>> horse."
>>
>> 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to
>> respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
>>
>> 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no
>> one and absolutely nothing."
>>
>> 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
>> training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
>>
>> 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
>>
>> 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
>>
>> 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
>>
>> 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
>> store."
>>
>> 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
>> I have never quit a job."
>>
>> 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
>>
>> 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
>get
>>to
>>work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
>> conditions."
>>
>> 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
>> employers."
>>
>> 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
>>
>> 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind
>> me."
>>
>>
>> ********************************************************************
>> THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
>>
>> 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
>> and has started to dig."
>>
>> 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
>> curiosity."
>>
>> 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>>
>> 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
>> of a definitely won't be."
>>
>> 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
>> a rat in a trap."
>>
>> 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
>> change whichever foot was previously in there."
>>
>> 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
>>
>> 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>>
>> 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>> achieve them."
>>
>> 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>>
>> 11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
>> better."
>>
>>
>> ******************************************************
>> THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS ORDERS
>> --
>> (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS):
>> 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
>>
>> 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
>>
>> 3. A room temperature IQ.
>>
>> 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
>> together.
>>
>> 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
>> ignoramus.
>>
>> 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
>>
>> 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
>>
>> 8. Bright as Alaska in December.
>>
>> 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
>>
>> 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
>>
>> 11. Fell out of the family tree.
>>
>> 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
>> coming.
>>
>> 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for
>> it.
>>
>> 14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
>>
>> 15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
>>
>> 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>> week.
>>
>> 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
>>
>> 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
>>
>> 19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
>>
>> 20. One neuron short of a synapse.
>>
>> 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
>>
>> 22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch "60 Minutes."
>>
>> 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
>
>
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