"THE OBSCENE INTERRUPTIONS OF WAR"
a play in one act
by
Charles Deemer
3550 SW Pomona St.
Portland, OR 97219-7518
charles@charlesdeemer.com
THE CAST:
Henderson, McCall, Smith, Friply, Peters and Sgt.
Willards -- all American soldiers
The Prostitute
THE PLACE:
An Army post near a war zone
THE SET:
The latrine of a military billets. Facing the audience
are six toilets. The toilet to the audience's right is
painted red; the others are white. The stage if bare
except for the toilets.
THE TIME:
Any
-----
(AT RISE: the four toilets to the audience's left are
occupied, left to right, as follows: Henderson,
McCall, Smith, Friply. Each soldier wears fatigues.
It is Sunday morning. The soldiers are defecating
and reading an old newspaper from the States,
except for McCall, who is reading a book. Each
soldier has his own roll of toilet paper and is
protective of it. Toilet paper is a luxury in a war
zone.)
HENDERSON
(to audience)
The first interruption.
MCCALL
(to audience)
Language is obscene.
(A beat.)
SMITH
(straining to defecate)
Uhhhhhhhhh ... uhhhhhhhhh ... uhhhhhhhhhh ...
HENDERSON
Who has fucking Sports?
(No reply.)
2.
HENDERSON
Sports, goddamn it!
FRIPLY
I've got fucking Sports. Wait a goddamn minute.
SMITH
(straining, to Henderson)
Uhhhhhhhh ... what you got, man?
MCCALL
I've got healthy bowels.
FRIPLY
The motherfucker talks!
SMITH
I was talking to Henderson. Uhhhhhh ...
HENDERSON
Say something else, McCall. Just for the record.
(A beat.)
SMITH
Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ...
FRIPLY
McCall, you gonna speak up or not?
HENDERSON
Read us something from that jack-off book.
SMITH
Uhhhhhh ...
HENDERSON
(grabbing the back of McCall's neck)
Read, goddamn it!
MCCALL
(reading)
Out of the hollow / of the Great Buddha's nose / flew a swallow
HENDERSON
(releasing him)
Fuck. Friply, you gonna give me fucking Sports or not?
FRIPLY
In a fucking minute, shithead.
HENDERSON
Suck on your tags.
3.
FRIPLY
Tastes better than your cock.
SMITH
What you got, Henderson? I got Comics.
HENDERSON
I've seen the fucking Comics. Where the hell is Entertainment?
SMITH
You want Entertainment? Should have said so, man.
(Smith fetches the Entertainment section from the
floor.)
HENDERSON
I've got fucking Travel.
SMITH
Uhhhhhh ... Fucking-A. Here ...
(They exchange sections of the paper, passing
around McCall, who continues to read his book.)
FRIPLY
Goddamn Can you believe that the fucking White Sox--
HENDERSON
You say one word, motherfucker, and your ass is grass. I want to read fucking Sports for
myself.
FRIPLY
You seen Sports yet, Smitty?
SMITH
Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ...
HENDERSON
I'm fucking next for Sports, man.
SMITH
Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh ... AH! Oh! Holy goddamn ...
MCCALL
Congratulations.
SMITH
No one asked for your opinion, Einstein. How come you've always got your nose in a
fucking book?
MCCALL
I enjoy reading. There's nothing else to do.
4.
HENDERSON
You'll get something to do soon enough.
FRIPLY
Hey, asshole, I'll trade you Sports for your fucking book.
HENDERSON
I'm next for fucking Sports!
FRIPLY
What say, McCall? You got any closeups of cunt in there?
HENDERSON
Pass the fucking Sports, Friply.
FRIPLY
Sports for the book.
MCCALL
I don't think it would interest you.
HENDERSON
I reserved fucking Sports, man. You heard me, Smitty. Didn't I reserve fucking Sports?
SMITH
It's between you guys, man.
FRIPLY
Hey, asshole, how the fuck to you know what interests me? Pass the book and I'll let you
know.
(A beat.)
HENDERSON
Sports, goddamn it!
FRIPLY
Fuck it. Where are the fucking Comics?
(Friply passes Sports to Henderson via the others.
Smith fetches Comics off the floor for Friply.)
(A beat.)
(Henderson suddenly throws down the Sports section.
Friply starts laughing.)
HENDERSON
Fucking White Sox. I'd like to stick a bat up their ass. How could they fucking blow it?
MCCALL
Do you always have to swear all the time?
5.
HENDERSON
Fuck you.
FRIPLY
Fuck fuck you, McCall.
SMITH
Fuck fuck fuck fuck you.
HENDERSON
FUCK YOU!
HENDERSON & FRIPLY & SMITH
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you!
(A beat.)
FRIPLY
Just one time, McCall. Pretty please? One little "fuck" from that stuckup mouth of yours.
MCCALL
So you've got freedom of speech. Congratulations. If you'd just use a euphemism now and
then, it wouldn't be so boring.
HENDERSON
A you-fucking what?
(A beat.)
SMITH
So fucking entertain us, man. We bore you, you entertain us.
MCCALL
You've already entertained us.
SMITH
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
(Friply whispers something to Smith.)
SMITH
You leave my fucking bowels out of it, McCall! My bowels ain't none of your fucking
concern.
(Henderson grabs McCall's book.)
MCCALL
Damn it!
FRIPLY
What? Did you hear that? He swore! McCall fucking swore!
SMITH
What's the book, man?
6.
HENDERSON
Buddhism. Holy shit.
MCCALL
Return it, please.
HENDERSON
Say pretty fucking please.
MCCALL
Pretty please.
HENDERSON
Fucking please.
FRIPLY
Stomp his ass, McCall. It's your fucking book. Don't put up with that shit.
(Peters enters, very hung over. He moves to the
vacant white toilet and starts to sit down.)
FRIPLY
Peters!
SMITH
Don't you sit your contaminated ass down there.
(Peters grins and moves to the red toilet. Peters
hasn't brought any toilet paper.)
PETERS
I need some paper, man.
FRIPLY
I need a fucking discharge.
PETERS
I'm erupting like a volcano here. I'll pay you back next week.
FRIPLY
You run out already?
PETERS
Couldn't help it, man. I'm on fire.
(Friply gives Peters some toilet paper.)
PETERS
Appreciate it.
HENDERSON
What do you want to read, Peters? How about a book on Buddhism?
(McCall grabs the book back.)
7.
FRIPLY
You gonna let him get away with that, Henderson? Stomp the motherfucker.
HENDERSON
Fuck it. What's the point? Be like fucking a gook.
SMITH
Kraut.
FRIPLY
Nip.
SMITH
Chink.
PETERS
Spick.
FRIPLY
Slope.
SMITH
Wop.
PETERS
Kike.
HENDERSON
Nigger.
(A beat.)
MCCALL
(reading)
The mysterious smile / on the Great Buddha's face / is a frown / if you stand on your head
(A beat.)
PETERS
(to audience)
The second interruption.
HENDERSON
(to audience)
Fear is obscene.
(The soldiers get up, zip up, and move forward.
Facing the audience, they go through the motions of
brushing their teeth, shaving, washing, etc.)
(Sgt. Willards enters.)
8.
SGT. WILLARDS
You children have exactly fifty-eight minutes before we move out and see what kind of
men you are. So I don't want to see no dragging ass.
(He exits.)
(McCall starts to shake, close to tears. He cuts
himself while shaving, reacts. Henderson notices
McCall's state and begins to whistle happily, "Over
there, over there ..."
SMITH
Leave him be, Henderson.
HENDERSON
You blowing breath my way, soldier?
SMITH
Lay off. It's no picnic we're going to.
HENDERSON
I don't know about that. I've always enjoyed stepping on ants. That's all there is to it, man.
Stepping on fucking ants.
FRIPLY
Could you keep your drooling to yourself?
HENDERSON
You chickenshit, too? Fuck, man. Time's are bad when a soldier's got to shave next to a
lineup of fucking children. Time's are fucking bad. See you chickenshits in the war.
(He exits. McCall starts to weep.)
FRIPLY
Fuck.
SMITH
Lay off.
FRIPLY
I don't want to brush my teeth next to no goddamn crybaby!
SMITH
You're as scared as I am.
FRIPLY
I ain't no fucking crybaby. Am I? Look at me. You see any fucking tears?
(McCall weeps.)
FRIPLY
Somebody shut him up!
9.
MCCALL
McCall? Hang in there, man. Crying on like that ain't gonna do shit.
FRIPLY
Fuck.
(He exits.)
SMITH
Cool it, man. No use worrying about shit you got no control over. Hang in there.
(He exits.)
PETERS
You afraid to die, man?
(McCall weeps.)
PETERS
What if they bombed your hometown and you died that way? You like that any better?
You ain't the first to shed tears, man. You just don't have the good sense to do it when
nobody's around. I've cried a little myself. So I'll leave you alone, man. Bawl all you want.
Cause later, man, when we're out there, ain't no time for that shit. You read me? We got
no time for that shit out there. So get it out of your system now.
(He exits.)
(McCall weeps. A beat.)
(Friply and Smith enter, taking the white toilets to
the left and right.)
FRIPLY
(to audience)
The third interruptions.
SMITH
(to audience)
Sex is obscene.
(McCall moves to the toilet next to Smith. He reads
his book. The others read the paper.)
SMITH
Where's Sports?
FRIPLY
Beat you to it.
(Henderson enters.)
HENDERSON
Morning, heroes.
10.
FRIPLY
What say.
SMITH
Morning.
HENDERSON
I was talking to McCall.
(He laughs and takes the toilet between Friply and
McCall.)
SMITH
Friply's got Sports and I'm next.
HENDERSON
I think I'll just sit here and contemplate last night's pussy. How'd you guys make out?
FRIPLY
No complaints, man. You don't see me on no goddamn red toilet either.
HENDERSON
Guess even McCall got laid last night. So how do you like the war now, candyass? Not so
bad, considering the pussy you get in return ... I'm speaking to you, fuckhead.
MCCALL
I stayed on post last night.
FRIPLY
Fucking dumb.
SMITH
Got to take your passes when you get them, man.
FRIPLY
Fucking-A. Man, I screwed til my eyeballs popped out. I'm set for a month.
(Peters enters. He's drunk.)
HENDERSON
Look what the fucking cat drug in.
PETERS
Other way, man.
SMITH
You are still fucking bombed.
PETERS
I drug in the cat. I drug in the pussy.
FRIPLY
If you got a bottle, you damn well better share it.
11.
PETERS
Wait a minute.
(He exits.)
FRIPLY
He's got a fucking bottle.
SMITH
He sign in last night?
HENDERSON
If he did, he ain't been to bed.
FRIPLY
Long as he shares the fucking bottle, man.
(Peters returns with The Prostitute, who carries a
purse.)
PETERS
Ta-da!
FRIPLY
Fuck.
THE PROSTITUTE
No fuckee!
PETERS
Don't sweat it, honey. Listen, guys, which one of you wants to zip up? We need a little
ceremony here.
FRIPLY
You need a fucking what?
THE PROSTITUTE
No fuckee, no--!
PETERS
Alright! We love, yes?
THE PROSTITUTE
We love.
PETERS
Hear that? So who's going to say the magic words?
HENDERSON
Man, you really shouldn't have done this. If the Sarge catches her on post--
PETERS
He ain't catching shit. You think I wouldn't check my bases, man? Shit. He's in his cadre
room, shacked up with a fifth.
12.
FRIPLY
You'd better hope he doesn't wake up with a piss-on. Your ass will be grass.
(McCall begins to wipe and will zip up and leave.)
PETERS
I'll be out of here as soon as one of you assholes gives us a little ceremony. Come on,
Friply, goddamn it. You've been trying to shit for two months.
SMITH
What the fuck is going on, man?
PETERS
We're getting married.
HENDERSON
Getting married!
FRIPLY
Fuck.
THE PROSTITUTE
No--!
PETERS
No fuckee! Just wait a goddamn minute, sweetheart. Listen, McCall, do me a favor. Take
Rosie here and wait outside a minute. Okay? It'll just take me a minute to set things up.
MCCALL
I don't think I--
PETERS
You go with him, honey. Okay? You go him.
THE PROSTITUTE
No fuckee!
PETERS
No fuckee, right. We love. No fuckee him. He's the safest motherfucker in the United
States Army. You go him.
(Peters escorts them out of the latrine.)
FRIPLY
I have seen every fucking thing now.
HENDERSON
Married my ass. You are shell-shocked. Fucking drunk is no excuse for this shit.
PETERS
Ssshhh. I just want a phony ceremony, man. Quick and simple.
SMITH
You can't have a wedding ceremony in the fucking latrine.
13.
PETERS
Phony, I said. Henderson, just saw a few words while we hold hands. Don't have to mean
shit, long as you stick in a couple "loves" now and then. She understands "love," "fuck"
and not much else. Look, I even got a ring.
HENDERSON
I don't fucking get it.
PETERS
Is it any hair off your ass to say ten goddamn words for us? What's the big deal?
SMITH
What's the big deal! You drag a goddamn whore in here while I'm trying to shit and--
PETERS
Ten fucking words! Four "loves" and six any goddamn other words you want. Is that too
much to ask? Four goddamn "loves."
HENDERSON
Not me.
PETERS
For a buddy, man!
HENDERSON
Later for that shit.
SMITH
Don't look at me, man.
PETERS
Friply ...
FRIPLY
Maybe.
PETERS
Alright!
FRIPLY
Maybe! If you tell me what the fuck is going on. I mean, really going on.
PETERS
It's too complicated.
FRIPLY
Then no deal.
PETERS
For a buddy. Four "loves" and six fucking words.
FRIPLY
I don't get my ass into no shit I don't know about.
14.
PETERS
Okay. It's like this. It's her idea, okay? Certain things she don't want to do until she's
married. Look, I kind of dig her. So what the fuck, right? I told her I had a buddy who was
a preacher back in the States.
HENDERSON
Fuck, Peters, where do you come up with these fucking whores? All you'll do is give her
the goddamn crabs.
SMITH
Assuming she's clean to begin with.
PETERS
I have a buddy who's a preacher. Okay? That's all there is to it.
SMITH
Incredible. You find the only whore in the goddamn universe who won't blow you unless
you're married.
PETERS
Four "loves" and six fucking words! It's no hair off anybody's ass. She don't know English
for shit. I even got a ring.
(The Prostitute enters. The soldiers quickly begin to
wipe and zip up to leave.)
PETERS
It's all set, sweetheart. Chaplain. Friply. We're ready when you are.
FRIPLY
Fuck, Peters.
THE PROSTITUTE
No f--!
PETERS
No fuckee! Goddamn it, man, don't use that word around her.
(to Prostitute)
You, me, only fuckee. Love and fuckee. Marry and fuckee.
HENDERSON
(exiting)
Have a swell honeymoon.
PETERS
(after him)
Be our best man!
(A beat. Peters turns to Smith.)
SMITH
No me, Peters. No way.
15.
PETERS
Don't let me down.
SMITH
Get McCall. He's dumb enough. Maybe.
(He exits.)
FRIPLY
It'll cost you, buddy.
PETERS
I'll give you my next ration of toilet paper.
FRIPLY
You already owe me half a roll.
PETERS
I'll give you the whole fucking roll. No fuckee! We need a ceremony bad, man.
FRIPLY
This is nuts.
PETERS
Look, it was her idea to come up here in the first place. She wanted to see the post.
FRIPLY
I thought she didn't understand English.
PETERS
Her girl friend said she wanted to see the post. She's here, ain't she? Be a buddy, man.
FRIPLY
You got a bottle, don't you?
PETERS
Man, I'm in a hurry here.
FRIPLY
No wedding.
PETERS
Okay. I got a bottle hidden in Motor Pool.
FRIPLY
The full roll of toilet paper and the bottle.
PETERS
You really know how to hurt a guy.
FRIPLY
You've lucky I recognize true love when I see it. I could insist on seconds.
16.
PETERS
Then you'll do it?
FRIPLY
In Motor Pool. Just so I see there's a bottle. Besides, even a shithead like you doesn't
deserve to get married in a fucking latrine.
THE PROSTITUTE
No fuckee!
PETERS
No fuckee!
(They all exit.)
(Sgt. Willard enters.)
SGT. WILLARDS
(to audience)
The fourth interruption. Disorder is obscene.
(The other soldiers enter with brooms, mops,
sponges, etc., for a G.I. party.)
SGT. WILLARDS
Come on, dragasses, we ain't got all night. Little hustle, little hustle. The old man will
render his presence at midnight and would be forlornly upset to find that this shithouse is
still a shithouse. He wants to see some sparkle. He wants magnificent radiance beaming
from these shitters. Do you read me? He wants this shithouse to sparkle like the firmament.
He wants this shithouse as immaculate as a church.
HENDERSON
We got the picture, Sarge.
SGT. WILLARDS
I am happy you get the picture, Henderson. I will be even happier to see you engage some
elbow greese. Or is the term too old-fashioned for your comprende?
SMITH
What about Peters, Sarge?
SGT. WILLARDS
Don't you fret, boy. The old man will take care of Peters.
SMITH
I don't think it's fair that--
SGT. WILLARDS
May I make a forthright suggestion? Whenever you find yourself asking a question,
consider that you are not working with the dedication this man's Army like to see. Read
me? This shithouse will sparkle by midnight. I want to think I'm walking into a church.
You have four hours. Which, in your case, will be a fucking horserace.
(Sgt. Willards goes to McCall and removes a
17.
paperback book from his back pocket. McCall starts
to object but changes his mind.)
SGT. WILLARDS
Did you want to say something? If not, close your mouth.
MCCALL
Can I have my book back?
SGT. WILLARDS
Tomorrow. If you impress me tonight. Anything else?
MCCALL
I don't see why we all have to suffer because of Peters.
SGT. WILLARDS
Because you could just as easily be dead because of Peters. Because there ain't no fucking
individuals in the Army. And most important of all, McCall, because the old man said so.
MCCALL
But--
SGT. WILLARDS
The only butt in question is yours. If you don't want it in more trouble than it already is,
get your ass in gear.
MCCALL
Yes, sir.
SGT. WILLARDS
You don't call a sergeant "sir," McCall.
MCCALL
Yes, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
That's better. McCall, even though I know you do that on purpose, just because you think
your fat brain makes you better than the rest of us jerkoffs; just because you think it is
very clever to call a sergeant "sir," that is might occasionally slip over his head, and if not
at least piss him off a little; even though I know all these things, McCall, and know
fucking well that you know that I know -- nonetheless, boy, "Yes, sergeant" is still much,
much better. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!
(Peters enters.)
PETERS
The captain told me to report to you, Peters.
SGT. WILLARDS
He did, did he?
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
18.
SGT. WILLARDS
Very well. We are having a tiny party, as you can see. How would you like to join us?
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
(He moves to join in.)
SGT. WILLARDS
Wait a goddamn minute. Did I tell you to join the party? Or did I merely inquire about
your preferences?
PETERS
My preferences, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm putting you in charge of these assholes ... Did you
say something, Friply?
FRIPLY
No, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
Good. Peters, my boy, some of your buddies here think it's highly unfair that they have to
have a party just because you had one. That isn't very compassionate of them, is it? ... I
asked you a question.
PETERS
No, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
It suggests a good deal of ignorance about the nature of our organization. Am I right?
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
Now since your part is responsible for their party, and not the other way around, it is only
logical that they clean up this shithouse while you watch. In other words, while you honcho.
And why should this be? Because I say so. Am I correct?
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
Of course, by being honcho, you also get a certain amount of responsibility. If this
shithouse doesn't look like a church by midnight, you will be the one who gets crucified.
Are we mutually clear on that point?
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
Very good.
19.
PETERS
Yes, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
Any fucking scenes in this book, McCall?
MCCALL
No, Sergeant.
SGT. WILLARDS
I'll leave it on your bunk.
(He exits.)
FRIPLY
Fuck.
HENDERSON
Way to be, asshole.
PETERS
Let me help. I'll mop.
SMITH
You won't do shit.
HENDERSON
We're very particular about our party guests.
PETERS
What can I say? I'm sorry.
FRIPLY
Why the fuck didn't you go back to town?
PETERS
We were. She just wanted to look around post first.
FRIPLY
You need your fucking brains reamed.
PETERS
How the hell was I supposed to know the old man would be snooping around? It's fucking
Sunday.
MCCALL
Could we all shut up long enough to get this place clean?
FRIPLY
Fuck you.
PETERS
Come on, man, let me help.
20.
HENDERSON
Orders are fucking orders. Watch us and suffer.
FRIPLY
So what happened to the cunt?
PETERS
She's back in town, I guess.
SMITH
You don't know?
PETERS
Last time I saw her she was climbing in the back of a deuce-and-a-half to hide. I told the
old man she'd already made it over the fence. He didn't know the difference. He only saw
us from across the fucking parade field.
FRIPLY
How noble to save her fucking ass.
PETERS
I told her to hit the fence but she ran for the truck instead. If the old man didn't see her,
what was I supposed to do? Squeal?
FRIPLY
You weren't supposed to bring her fucking ass on post in the first place.
MCCALL
I don't intend to clean the whole place by myself.
FRIPLY
So fucking don't. Go get your Buddha-book and jack off.
PETERS
Give me a sponge.
MCCALL
Gladly.
HENDERSON
No you fucking don't.
MCCALL
He should help.
HENDERSON
He's honcho.
SMITH
He doesn't get the privilege to help.
MCCALL
I'd hardly call it--
21.
FRIPLY
Shut the fuck up and get on your sponge. Peters ain't helping us.
HENDERSON
McCall, you don't understand shit. You are one fucking idiot.
(The Prostitute enters. She is holding a grenade.)
THE PROSTITUTE
You die, fuckee G.I.!
(Henderson instinctively pushes McCall toward The
Prostitute ... and
Quick blackout.)
(LIGHTS UP as Sgt. Willards enters and steps
forward. McCall's body lies on the floor. As Sgt.
Willards reads a letter, the other soldiers lean
McCall's body against a toilet and pin a medal on
him.)
SGT. WILLARDS
The final interruption. ... Dear Mr. and Mrs. McCall: In posthumous recognition of her
heroism -- when, by throwing his body upon a live grenade tossed into his billets by an
enemy insurgent, Private McCall did absorb the shock and consequences of said grenade's
detonation and in so doing did save the lives of four companions -- be it hereby declared
that Private McCall, by proclamation of Congress and over the signature of the President
of the United States, is awarded this nation's highest military honor.
SMITH
In Kansas, it's Private McCall Day!
PETERS
Everybody loves a parade!
(The soldiers except Sgt. Willards and McCall exit.
They march in unison.)
SOLDIERS
Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? McCall! McCall! MAAAAA ... CALL!
(Sgt. Willards removes his cap.)
SGT. WILLARDS
I wanted to express my regrets personally, ma'am. Your son was a fine soldier. You should
be very proud.
(He salutes the audience. And exits.)
(McCall's body leans against a toilet. He opens his
eyes.)
22.
MCCALL
Out of the hollow / of the Great Buddha's nose / flew a swallow.
(BLACKOUT. The play is over.)