Can blue (green in this case) men sing the whites or are they hypocrites for singing whoo ! (Bonzo Dog Doodah Band)
PROLOGUE - After a political coup on his planet alien Elvis fanatic, Sevil Selprey, heads for planet Earth. Poised on the brink of oblivion in Earth orbit he is swallowed by a space probe - will he escape or will he splat. Put that Gerbil down missus and listen to THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF SPACE ELVIS.
Someone had made a big cockup with the telemetry on the unmanned rescue probe because instead of landing at NASA headquarters at Houston, Texas it came to rest on the waste ground behind the shops in Clitheroe Street, Ashington, Northumberland; about the only place in this world where a spaceship could land without attracting much attention, actually with out any attention.
Sevil was pretty depressed when he at last set foot on planet Earth, he had no phrophetic thoughts like "One small step for space people but a giant leap for space kind etc,". No ! his first thoughts were along the lines of "why the hell isn't King Elvis here to greet me ? and where are the hula hula babes". His disappointment further increased when Mrs Hilda Armstrong from number thirty four shouted,
"how ye can't leave that heap a' shite there mate wor Jack'll dee his nut".
Sevil answered in his politest and best Elvis copied English.
"Uh, aahm very sorry, Maam".
And it passed as quickly at that, the conversation that personkind had been waiting for, the first ever interchange of words between life forms from different planets.
In search of King Elvis, on this thoroughly alien landscape, Sevil glanced a ray of hope when a sequined golden eagle emerged from Woolworths and disappeared into the Northumberland Arms public house, "its him" he thought as he shot off in pursuit. But h is hopes were dashed when he realised that it wasn't King Elvis, only a group of lookalikes. One of the Elvi noticed the expression of disappointment on Sevil's face and also his green leisure wear, "how man that's the '73' Burning Love Jump-suit isn't it , funny colour though, looks awful ! By the way I'm Darlington Elvis and these are me mates."
Darlington Elvis introduced Sevil to the other Elvi; Ashington Elvis, Young Elvis, Del-vis (the devil Elvis), Laughing Elvis, Glad Ees, Grace Lands, and Prudhoe Prescilla.
"Where've yer come from, Space ?. Ha ha ha get it Space" inquired Laughing Elvis annoyingly.
Feeling secure in the company of his new acquaintances Sevil hung around to see what would happen. Ashington Elvis, the night's host, informed everybody that the show would start in half an hour. Sevil tagged along with Darlington, "Ya knaa bonny lad I c ant get me head around yer name so if ye dont mind I'll call ye Space Elvis".
"OK maan" drawled Sevil, gingerly.
The NASA scientists arrived sixteen hours after the crash to find what was left of their vehicle coated with an artistic paint spray job. Most of the loose bits had been cut up, sold, and were already on their way to the aluminium smelter up the road. Th ey loaded the remains into a large crate and transported it to an awaiting Galaxy Aircraft.
The crash landing was big news locally and questions were raised in the House of Commons about what would have happened if the recovery probe had crashed onto houses. A local wag replied that it would have caused about fifty pence worth of damage if it h ad.
Unnoticed, the club news section of the same paper carried a small notice announcing that Saturday nights' Elvis competition had been won by newcomer 'Space Elvis'. Space Elvis had told reporters that he looked forward to sampling Earth hospitality with the prize of five hundred pounds and Holiday Inn vouchers for a week.
"See yer at the Shilbottle do next weekend" tootled Ashington Elvis as he sped off to catch his bus after installing Sevil into the Holiday Inn.
"There's something a bit strange about that lad, but I can't quite place my finger on it ?" Ashington Elvis mused as the monotonous drone of the bus's diesel engine lulled him into a fitful carbon monoxide induced sleep.
EPILOGUE - Will they return him to sender ? How will our green comrade survive in Heartbreak Hotel? Don't miss the next spectacularly exciting episode of THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF SPACE ELVIS.
(c) David Wall 1995 Any resemblance to anyone living or having lived on Planet Earth is purely coincidental.
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