you dirty fucking bastards, how the hey are you? I love to swear from other people's computers. maybe i'll make my life by running from computer to computer hiding from the cyberpolice and talk about being happy for no reason.

anyway, i'm in scotia nova. the nova scotia princess joella. I can't take it.

I wanna sink slowly
without getting wet

funny.

and maybe someday
I won't be so lonely
and i'll walk on jojo
every chance that I get

man, this computer makes the "I" all big all by itself

gosh, i'd tell you I was smoking some hash in a world without curtains in cute shingle houses with windows as tall as the wall with the tops of marijojo plants right there. but that'd be illegal.

even here in novia scotia where, well, you know in mr.jones where adam sings

when everybody loves me
(jo comes in)
i'm gonna be about as well fed as I can be

oh gosh, listen, oh ross's grandaughter is bringing her new little puppy, fang, over. "i'm your captain" by grand funk is playing. ross got a great tune box just for the trip.

and after listening the crows for the first time last night, he understands why I am so wild about the adam.

anyway, oh the trip to get here.

firstly, new haven was great and I left there with some gold tea that is excellent. and it was cool there and I was able to relax, you know? I can't believe I left right at the beginning of a major heat wave. man. what a jo. but you wear sweatshirts up here. white sky for jo. no mean sun. it rains and the fog is like magic. all the rivers have all kinds of tiny islands with pine trees and gorgeous huge bolders. so pretty. so many wildflowers. it is like a postcard.

and there goes ross by the window driving the jo bus so funny.

anyway, i'm going to be in the associated press really soon, i'm finishing the interview tonight. I met with the halifax herald reporter yesterday. I could tell he expected me to be a circus animal and was digging the scope of the whole story. it is funny. so many jo's.

oh god i'm going to be famous and just ate some home grown strawberries in creme. and they were so perfectly sweet. unbelievable.

okay, the trip. okay, you know, when I was thinking about finnally being able to write this, I would be so happy.

OH MY GOD

but I saw my homepage. I can't believe the shit I say about adam mr.jones duritz. after meeting everyone, it brings on a whole new context of terror. I am so spent. I mean. well, I am so spent but I think, well, I am only so easy on paper, bucko. I mean, well, I didn't make bobob earn me. I mean there are things I need to know. the magic here is I think I already do but am astounded as to how wrong my perceptions can be. and how right. wild world.

oh yeah, but nothing I don't even care. yes I do

but I read his aol post real fast cause I couldn't even take it. all I know is he hates the word 'cool' but if you listen to the 'true heart' booleg you want to beat the guy saying it over and over with a towel full of citrus fruit.

anyway, don't discard the word, change it. that's what I say. he seems considerate anyway. oh and I don't care, the tone is so, well if he hates "cool" he must despise "cute" but i'll use the most vile description

sweet

so sweet bastard.

but anyway, it said he's sleeping well and the music's coming really easy. he must be dating courtney love. I knew it.

anyway, I have been having bouts of feeling like an asshole. no, i've been feeling like a major asshole reading some of the things I say about adam. cause I wonder if I make him feel like some of my fans make me feel and it's just that all the wild praise is impossible to accept because I am smart and I am going to change the world and have adam's baby but I have been me, forever and when I was a welfare mom and a little girl, well I was allways treated like trash so I don't know how to act and it makes my stomach hurt when people are so nice.

well honestly, see ross has been perfect. after meeting and spending the night with his sister and seeing his granddaughter and his excellent house surrounded by wild flowers and all. well I don't think he's out to marry me. he just found me and thinks i'm a star and wants to be part of it all. not for the cash. but because my ideas are cool. I mean everyone up here has read my writing and loves it. all these people are so nice. man.

i'll start at the beginning, but first, well it's like scary to see someone who thinks i'm so great and tells me all the time. I can't get used to. I hope I don't do this to mr.jones. but I bet I do. well I thought he'd be wigging hard doing this album and was wrong. that's all. and i'm always glad to be wrong in that way. I just. well. wish the best for the band.

oh I am such a dick. I can't even write about it the same way. damn. the thought that I would make him feel so wigged like I do, well honestly, I know it's horrible, but I think *i'm* allowed to wig about being adulated by ross and others but adam shouldn't be that way about me because I am perfect for him.

oh, i'm not so sure of myself.

it's so funny when people i've met say that to me, 'you're not so confident jo'

I never for a fucking minute pretended to be the self-confident jo. I am what I am because it's the only thing that feels right, not cause i'm mrs.confidence. I have no self confidence and always think people are going to hate me eventually. so

oh right now I feel so tired or something. I was so hungry today.

so what to say about adam? all I know is that when I used to think of him, well my mind would open into the most beautiful place i'd ever seen. the thought of seeing him, I swear I already know how it would feel to look in his eyes.

hey, the rest of you choose me, you know? I choose him. it seems different. like, well tough ship. I mean, well, if my words never reached him, then I just wish I knew is all.

but not yet not now. and after all, he didn't choose me. so I feel like really strange. I don't know. I never meant any harm at all in anyway but maybe I was reckless. I don't know.

it's not like I ever did this before, you know? I mean holy shit.

yeah, look at the shit my life is in. christ. being away from my house and son and madge and life was so easy there and I didn't have to go aout and meet people. I mean I like to do it but knowing it's like scheduled makes it really hard. like what if i'm tired and not up for it? but damn jo to hell, being tired and spent is all a state of mind so I just switch modes and do it. without liquor mind you. and while smoking pot. so there.

howdy. I just went for a walk with the little girl. i'm not going to use their names cause. well just cause. anyway, we walked down to the beach. it is so beautiful. the amber tall grasses and little purple flowers everywhere scattered with yellow ones, and white ones. it is so pretty.

ross's daughter in law is so cool. I mean, well, ross has spoken so highly of me and they've all read my posts and still like me and are like real normal and easy with me which is such a relief. wow. I feel so comfortable here. even with ross. kinda. i'll never feel totally comfortable with him because, I don't know. man. I can't wait to meet dan, ross' nephew. who is like totally dame-free and real smart and everyone's like psyched to meet me. oh man, and linda, ross' sister, did all my laundry. she washed and dried and folded my dirty drawers and laundry i've had for two weeks.

their house was so beautiful I almost died. it is so beautiful up here I can't even begin, well i'd like to, and will describe it.

wait, okay now that i'm back and elton john's tumbleweed connection is on, where to now st.peter, anyway, well, maybe I think that adam isn't amused with me.

maybe mad. maybe I make him feel like ross and some others have made me feel. I mean ross had done everything to perfection to plan for me. and it was hard to take. cause I thought he wanted something.

well now I understand that he just wanted to thank me but I feel like he wants to be me or something, like he wants to take over my brain. I don't know. he is really nice. but it is just hard to adjust to or something. I mean it has been a high-point in his life to meet me, which is strange cause of course I don't understand it, but I honor it. I mean up here people just do things for each other cause they can. cause they all have little problems. I don't know. but I changed ross' life. and we just were listening to the crows again. and listening to adam while driving across the beautiful country in the jo bus where the water is like amber, just like how I imagined adam's eyes to be. clear brown. a contradiction to say the least but I have pictures of it.

anyway, so what? so what if I say the most embarrassing shit about adam? I do sound spent, going on about what I think I know. gosh, my delusions aren't even consistant.

I used to have so much faith, I mean there was never any question that he would read what I wrote and *have* to respond. man. I try fighting giving up and feel like a fool. like a stupid little girl everyone made fun of for *liking* a boy and telling the world. boys who never liked her back. just like I always did since I was little. I don't know. because, well, the place in my little heart that this comes from, well how can I be ashamed of that?

and yet, how many times before has shame been heaped on me for giving voice to those shimmering, silly dreams, miracles waiting in the wings...

wow, if you think MTV sucks, you should see muchmusic, the canadian version. hey, neil young's father is a journalist. I bet you didn't know that. I know his name and who he writes for but i'm not telling. just cause i'm on the internet and need to be sooo cool.

cool or not cool. that is the answer. I mean, well, the word has come to mean so much stupid shit but in carrick, it always meant people who had seen some shit so knew how to be considerate. the kind of people who never get in fights but have reputations for being tough. like me I must say it isn't cool to declare yourself as cool but cool to me just means nice. real. so opposite this other shit.

all I know is that now I have an idea of what some people are afraid of. well with ross, he's okay, but when I don't like something he does, I can tell it kinda wigs him. that's what's impossible to get used to. being such a huge influence. it's a huge responsibility I think.

but I am a separate being from this whole world. adam duritz in no way determines what I like, except for his tunes, well and how I look at others. everytime I see a jewish man in dreadlocks I can't help but look.

anyway, well I shouldn't wig out adam. I should make this world a little easier for him and if I don't i'd be sad. and I would shut up about him. anyway, well this is weird up here but i'm trying to relax. okay. well

anyway, well, all I did was well, fall in love with a beautiful man singing a beautiful song about how he wished he was beautiful and he was the most beautiful thing I ever saw and I mean, well if he doesn't understand that, oh well. and how could he? damn me.

lately, i've been thinking how much I miss my madgemadge.

next spring me,madge, ross and leo will climb on the jo bus and tour canada. I mean they love me so much. i'm doing a poetry reading tomorrow. with my hair in braided pigtails like anne of green gables and my peasant girl dress (madge, I saw one just like it hanging in a window of a boutique in the yale district of new haven. crazy.

anyway, looking like anne shirley, I will read poetry about being a topless dancer. it will wig them out so bad.

and I first heard 'wig' when watching 'the last waltz' a zillion times, including the clip with ferlenghetti saying 'thy wigdom come, thy will be done' even though the rest of the poem was pretty basic I think. still. it was funny. he, lawrence went to the sorbonne, you know? funny.

anyway, tomorrow night I get my own cottage on the sea. man, I wish I had my powerbook. and tonight, ross is going to drive the bus right to the waterside and i'll be sleeping in it. he even got me a little fan. gosh, he is so nice and of course, I can't take it but i'm starting to understand that he doesn't want anything from me. I think except to make sure I can be a little used to being treated nice. but I prefer being the one fussing over people, you know? i'm not used to being um, nurtured. my head is spinning at how nice his sister and everyone is. they all know who I am. this is so excellent. I have like hundreds of friends up here that I never knew I had.

right now that bastard is outside cooking steaks the size of a plate. and then he makes this excellent coffee. I mean just from reading my posts, he knew exactly what to get. real creme for the coffee. sugar. meat. meat. and I had digby scallops today and seafood chowder that was to die for. man.

oh, but it is so beautiful here. but I must say, I really miss my madge. there was a dame I could talk to and never, ever felt uncomfortable with (well only a little in the morning when I was trying to write and she'd come in to smoke pot). I guess if adam feels uncomfortable reading about how I gush all over him, well, oh well.

but in my heart I think no way. he *has* to be able to see me. man. it would break my heart if he couldn't. but even that would be funny. I wouldn't be mean. I would just say 'adam duritz broke my heart' and talk about the devistation like edna st. vincent on crack.

but, well. sad jo. and sometimes I get a little carried away, but still, I am proud of how I feel and how I was so inspired that I told the whole world. I don't know. and if he thinks i'm an asshole, well, he can line up behind all the others. I just can't believe he's "one of them."

and I know it's not fair to say that if he doesn't love me, he's wasted. but, well. okay. i'd surrender. I would. not without saying my farewell, though. but I did impose really bad I think.

now van's playing. 'have I told you lately that I loved you?'

anyway, the trip. busses busses. two-hour layover in boston, where adam lived. and then up to portland, took a cab to the ferry terminal.

the boat was so funny. I felt like, I don't know. it was HUGE. cars driving on it. and like a low-class casino. so funny. all I did was eat dinner, smoke tea in my cabin, and I laid up on the star deck with my headphones on. the crows of course so crow me.

tee hee

and of course it was cold. and I sent a whole box of shit back to madge so of course my jacket was gone. and the wind was incredible. like cold jelly and warm peanut butter swirling all over me. cause the engine thingy on the top was like four stories tall and blew out smoke and was so scary. like the poisendon adventure.

and so many stars. gosh. it was so dark up there. and I laid there, people would kinda be able to see me but thought I was baked so left me alone. it was really rude wearing headphones on a ship like that but I had to.

and the big thought up there was about how different the silly boat was compared to the image I had of it. you know? like food, the people, everything. so why should people be so surpising different? nothing is what it seems in this world. except me I guess cause ross said I was exactly what he expected only more. my goodness so did everyone -- these eyes and my cute little legs. well never mind, I was going to talk about sex but my god, I had no idea what was out here. I can't be so crazy on someone else's computer. man, so many things changing in me. but adam adam adam god damn it what to do.

but it still amazes me that so many people think i'm so great. and try and be nice. maybe for the first time but not really. i've been lucky.

on the net, at least we have a couple chances to start over. maybe you've been a dick all your life. well out here you could at least try being human and see how it feels like just test the waters. I don't know.

anyway, ross is reading what I write and I have to lay him out periodically cause he thinks just cause he's nice, that that is some problem. but not just for me god damn it. anyone who was treated like this who is a normal person, would be taken back. christ. I don't run from people just cause they're nice. this is more than nice.

(hey, rules on the net is just misery imposing itself so brutally on the rest of us. if they don't want to read smut, they don't have to. sure, I break rules and swear and talk about drugs, but why do they have to read it? I don't hurt anyone with this. man. i'm trying to figure out how we can get along. man. anyway, sorry, but it's just not right to force others to behave like you. or to want things removed to pretend they don't exist. I will never disappear. never. man.

oh and ross makes me so mad sometimes (but he said i'm allowed to write whatever I want) anyway, he tries to tell me how to spell and this and that and i'll kill him. I can't have people telling me what to do. I am the only one who will be able to make the decisions I need to. he tries to tell me to spell check and all kinds of shit. all kinds of shit so I can appear to be the most-educated jo and fuck that. I mean it. people either dig my ideas or not. if the spelling gets in the way, there will be other things. I don't know. but I don't want to hear any critism especially when he apparentl.y is missing so much of what i'm doing cause he thinks i'm a little show off and sometimes i'm just being funny but my mission is serious and when I get a chance to talk about it, people are blown away.

but I have to make all the decisions myself. I don't want anyone involved. that's why I stay alone with madge. everyone's an agent or manager, you know? but madge really knows me.

you know he told me I better not sell out for cash? can you believe it. and then turned around and said I give too much away for free. I kill him so don't worry. but he still seems to not understand so much about me and it makes me mad (even though I realize i'm a bad jo and should be grateful but I do get mad). I think about this shit day and night in a way no one else can or does. no one can make decisions for me and shit. ross is just so pushy. but I tell him all this and i'm being funny when I say it but he wanted me to do this and write it all out. such an honor for him. man. see, that's the shit that wigs me out. i'm just a jo. and I swear I understand what just an adam needs. I understand so much shit even though I am only midly famous, he should see how it feels to move in with a few of his fans. I mean holy shit. I am crazy.

and people thinking i'm so great is too much. I mean, well it is. just give it some time. even then, when someone is sooo nice, well how do you justify being treated so nice? and you can't so you stop it

and just enjoy

but I think there is an inherent responsibility in accepting someone's kindness. and I don't know what ross wants. man. but i'm in another country where everyone seems to do cool shit for each other. yikes. but this chair is so uncomfortable. anyway, he is the computer man.

i'm going to meet some high-maintainance man who runs this world-famous resort. he is really smart and too good for any woman. and he like has all kinds of clothes. man. I don't know. he just thinks i'm crazy for saying what I do.

of course I am but he like is never with any dames like he's punishing us dames. man.

kinda like me. but i'm not punishing anyone. I just. wow. I just felt so sad. like I am stupid for saying I love adam

but I hear him and

there are a million miles between here and there.

and you know? every time I go somewhere new, well this is just a wild series of adjustments but I love being out here where i've never been and being able to talk to people about god and the really big stuff and they don't wig, as a matter of fact they sit and listen intently. and you know, how I act is like totally determined by how I feel around the people i'm with. and some are so easy. ross asked my what wigs me out. and I said other people wigging out is always what wigs me out. cause you never know what the problem is but you know there's a problem.

hey, I just realized that a tiny bit of me still believes that the problem with adam isn't me, either. maybe, well of course, well I have no idea.

one hard lesson out here is that of realizing how little I know about him but I think one look right at me unable to look at him but I do anyway and the tears spill down my cheeks as he stares into the brightest smile. or maybe it would just be the simplest smile i've ever known. man. hey, I don't look like my home page. well enough though. but we'll get a good picture.

anyway, I have details on the boat in my skull for my column that i'm going to write tomorrow morning. we're going to stay here. the bus is like my home up there. isn't that wild?

oh gosh, it's this old but soooo excellent bus. with "kathy jo" written across the top front. and you know what? everyone who looks at it smiles....like you can't look at a bus with 'kathy jo' on it without waving. which is really neat.

but holy shit, after a night freezing on the deck (but I would not leave until I heard 'a murder of one' under such a big sky) and sleeping in my own little boat room,the constant rocking under me, sooo excellent. anyway, I get off the boat, through customs

oh my god I made extended eye contact with a customs agent who had that tender dark skin and eyes like adam's and I almost died. I swear I swooned. so then I met ross who was beaming and wigging me out. then we walk over to this huge white bus with huge windows (my chair is in front of like a 6" bay window. i'm not kidding)

I thought he painted a bus that sat in his driveway. I mean I had no idea. I was wigging hard. no shit. and the inside is so immaculate you can't believe. fridge, stove, bathroom, two little bedrooms. the cool rack on the top. the whole business. man. MAN.

so we had a big drink of tea just pulled over on the side of a road. man. and honestly, I felt like such a circus animal, like such an asshole. I mean, I kinda liked being anonymous as I traveled. but the bus is so coool. the hood is black primer. with black like screen on the headlights, kathy jo written in psychedelic red letters. man. it really is cool. this is just really hard to get used to.

but I am...

and everyone waving. whole families. man, and me sitting in front of this huge window. tea tea tea.

and he had so many windows put in.

it is just like perfect. funny.

so we went to his sister's house that is so cool. both their houses have like cathedral ceiling and pine and track lighting, lots of wood shelves. really cool houseplants. ross has like cool '60s furniture, but funny stuff. almost ikea. had it for years. he's an old bastard. the nephew of his i'm meeting tomorrow is my age.

no curtains. and so many windows. man.

so his sister lives right on the river. the tide comes in and out. I found the shell of a sea urchin, when I picked it up, I thought it was a beaded change purse. I love this place. I mean

and in the background

and it stoned me to my soul. stoned me just like kathy jo

so I guess. man. why am I so weird? I mean I feel like I have to do something about adam so I won't think about him anymore. well

this happened awhile ago but let's pretend I thought someone wrote to me, well a lot of people write to me and of course I wonder who it is really in there and if it's him so let's pretend someone wrote to me who never said he was you know who but because of what he said I thought maybe it was and he was not very happy with me so i've been trying to not let that phase me. well whoever it was, I told them I would never write to them again and I didn't god damn it.

wow. I can't believe I told. i've been holding that in for a long time but I would never want to like, well bring adam's life out here just cause I bring mine, but his tone was so friendly in his post, like he was talking right at us. but in the letter to jojo, whoever it was was not very happy with me at all. not mean exactly.

anyway, well I don't honestly know if it was him. whoever it was didn't have good english so I thought it was like jose, this crazy spanish man who was working on his fourth Ph.D in genetic engineering who thought he was a god and wanted me because he needed my power. I swear to jose, that's what he said.

I talked to him, me and madge, when he called, about sex in really blunt terms and he got so mad. fed-ex'ed a picture. I told him I didn't know god wore glasses.

man, but if I thought that was really adam I would be so sad cause I never ever set out to cause grief. I mean I would love to see someone like me write about me like I do him. yeah. and even up here, everyone hears the crows' and has heard the songs but never knew who it was. and now they all know why I love him so there. it's like common knowledge cause they read me through my posts.

I know where I want my next trip to be.

starting in texas. oh yeah, and i'm riding a bus straight through, baby. and down through baton rouge to see someone really cool, stop in the big easy, then down to florida to see some crazy man who needs his ass whooped by a dame and then to lexie and up through georgia to meet robin and who knows what after that. I know it will be hot. hey, by the next batch of these things, I should be starting to be syndicated all over the place.

so I have to know if i'm allowed to still be all starry-eyed (starry starry eyes portraits hung on cyberwalls)

well if adam is not amused by this, well I want to stop. i'll fall in love with um, oh, the lead singer to the tradgically hip.

anyway, what else? I can't stand reading my home page. no, I just thought if adam hated my wretched traveling-on-a-bus ass, I don't want to talk about being in love with him.

I mean I have my pride, you know?

oh I do love my self. anyway, well so there it is. if it was adam, well, whoever it was, wasn't nice. or mean. yikes. he was so cold I mean burrrr.... not pleased with jojo

jojo sorry and will shut up. well kinda. no, I mean it's amazing that so many people like me. I can't even tell you all of it.

anyway, well oh well. jo loved the wrong crow? maybe so. never too late to know.

JO! SNAP OUT OF IT. okay, I don't know adam but how could you think *that* was him? I mean that cold and like, yikes. I mean, the post he just wrote wasn't like that at all. but he wasn't writing that to me. or maybe maybe maybe he was kinda -- but I just haven't known what to do and out here like this is so weird and in some strange way, i've gotten used to sleeping in so many different beds. I feel like jodilocks. goldidreadlocks. and this rock star was just right...

oh I will not lose faith in the *feeling* I get from that crawfish eating bastard adam duritz who has to think I am excellent. I mean I am the real business. the drugs, the jail, quitting school, welfare mother/academic, oh, and my writing and column and this business. man. that's right. I am not some total loser. I don't want to start thinking i'm so great, but hey, I have done great things. that's fucking right. I have to get off my own head.

but well, then I think i'll continue to write about him because it is perfect somehow and if he shunned me and I still rambled on, it would add this added psychotic crunch of this refusal to accept reality only then it will turn ugly and sad and tragic. the finest line we walk. no, i'd be doing it in spite. I can be a scorned jo. I used to love this band called sanford townsend. your eyes have the mist from the smoke of a distant fire

outside your oriental gate
i'm wondering if it's too late

you have seen those before i'm sure.

wait, there are all kinds of new folks out there, eh? too damn much. hey, I am the luckiest jo alive to have been found by these folks up here. ross is a great grandpa and has all kinds of plants and buys bread seven houses up from a hippy couple. and he is so considerate. which sometimes drives me crazy cause I can sense some strangeness, like when he wants to talk but wants to respect my quiet. but I told him I don't care if he talks. I mean i'm not that much of a dick. and when people don't know how to act around the great jo, I don't know how to act, that's all. when I saw jim, he hadn't really read my group. didn't expect anything from me and it was so cool.

thanks to jim. fair haven was exactly a haven for me after my crash landing in NYC,

but i've been a poopy to madge. everyone liked having me around. people are lonely to be around others. and me and madge are so lucky. hey, i'm going to write about leaving a bestest friend. but she is, well it is so easy for us to be together. hey, if I write it, people will think i've sautted her bearded clam in my saliva for sure.

hey, I am going to cross post this to an insane degree. but ross' thingy here doesn't get the counting crows' group. man. I don't want to read adam's post. oh cause he sounds so perfect but a little defensive.

glad no one else does that around here...

I fucking love myself.

okay, well up here I am living on a bus. that is so fucking funny. but it has lights, a kitchen, I mean everything. man. maybe I have to come up here and here I am already famous. I mean ross works in tourism, all the boats and rooms are being paid for by the dept. of commerce or something. ah ha, candanian welfare. I am so funny. I love my life. I just can't help but feeling I have so much to show adam, so many children spinning circles, yellow fabrics rippling in the giggling breezes, gosh, I don't know. I mean, there is just so much I want to show him

but I know ross being like that with me was wigging me. but everywhere really has been so beautiful. he was just so intense about it, like I would have no choice but to love it here and I don't like not having an 'out'

oh yeah, jojo realized just how much space she needs. yeah.

and sleep. I am going to try and proofread this. but I am like a man and need to be a lone and can't feel cornered in the slightest way. gosh, and look what I ask of adam as far as that goes. me calling him my wife. but that's funny so he has an out, damn it. but how I feel about this is, well I don't have an out when it comes to him and it is so darn crazy to do this all and to be in nova scotia writing this and him still so much around me, every beautiful thing I see I want him to touch and gosh. gosh. so my stomach hurts cuase if i'm really wrong and he would be like immune to *me* I would raise my sword to my own breast and sink it in my heart so grateful to spill.

my tone would change, darken. I would be in a fog, wondering how I could have been so wrong. the world would be gnarled and dark.

but not for long you dirty bastard world and I will be fine no matter what happens unless someone kills me. and then I will be immortal...

so anyway, I wouldn't want to put the pressure on adam, you know? but I just know what I want exists. i've been wrong about who could give it to me. but only once or twice or like ten times. but one does keep moving...

adam will love me

and if he doesn't well then i'll just be publically humiliated. which I hear pays well at least.

anyway, my american money is worth almost 40% more up here. like the whole damn country is on sale. funny.

it really is so pretty here but like I don't even want to admit it to ross cause he was like so pushy about it, like, he wants me to like admit he was right or something so much, like I don't know. but I do, I try not to be a dick. man.anyway enough I am so tired. just calm. and tired. so hungry today.

oh, at ross's sister's, well it was chilly, and yes, yes, I slept in a bed with four pillows for the first time in so long. and gorgeous rugs and pictures and antiques and this sweetheart woodburning stove. so beautiful, screened porch right on the river.

oh, and these flowers called columbine. I can't even describe them, two colors, and the darker petals extend off the back of the plant in like fringe, so elegant though. gorgeous.

lupines grow wild everywhere. and pink poppies. i'm not kidding. and the other stuff. and um, so much fog. so much fog. I just killed my thousandth mosquito. but the itch goes away real quick. they ain't so bad.

ross' computer is huge. and i'm in front of a narrow but wall-length window smoking out of a wooden pipe. in my room last night, I couldn't sleep but only cause I couldn't stop looking at the stars. and waking up to so much fog. but the lamp was an old man carved out of wood. and wooden shade. and the window right above me. god. what a new kind of world to jo. even in the ferry teminal, when I saw a picture, I knew it would be so beautiful, I would cry. I mean it's amazing. and I got a piece of petrified wood as a present.

I am so lucky. I mean I always wig first thing, get it over with, open up the lines of non-widgom and then everything has been cool from then on. especially after meeting his sister and her husband. they all roll their own cigarettes. I smoke tobacco he grew. and she did my laundry. hey, this computer changes misss plelled words, no I guess I doens't. anyway, ross has me writing in 'word' cause I make too many spelling mistakes.

anyway, well since jim's house, i've been with normal people. who maybe don't like smoking or extra messes but mellow out for a few days cause they're just glad to have me there instead of trying to act like they don't care what you do by treating you like shit cause you're a coward or something.

wow. so I told you I thought someone at least pretending to be adam only who has bad english or was trashed when he wrote to me, vacillating between caps and not, all kinds of weird shit, well I didn't want to say anything but I used to have the most beautiful thoughts but I do know that I don't know him in a big huge new way. but still. well I could see him being spent about jojo.

I just ordered ross to put on mirror ball. we were in the back of the bus, listening to 'peace and love' so loud watching the sunset over the river. and she has a creek covered with rocks thick with moss.

thick with moss. cause after all, you get your thrust from your verbs, not your adjectives. I say both and shut up. hey, I think I got pounded in my writing classes. my teachers, I don't know. I felt so weird. like cause I don't know why.

oh, there's the phone. I bet it's the AP reporter. it is. ross just told him I was better than he even dreamed of. man.

okay, will finish up with him later. anyway, well I think reporters think of me as a circus animal and I start giving them the details of pre-leo jo. hey, I think I deserve respect.

hey, so how could adam be like insulted or mad at me? jo of so little faith. that couldn't have been him.

oh. sad. yes it could. who ever it was said some strange shit. jojo the destoyer. man. and there is so little I really know. here I am in the middle of all these surprises about confronting what I didn't know about people, and finding it overwhelming to say the least and still I think it's different with him. and everytime I watch someone new listening to the mellifluous beginning of "around here" and the big smile of recognition *this* is the counting crows, and then the 'yes...this is jo'

they really are the business so of course I love seeing adam saying he's doing really well. I mean I thought it was excellent that he was so, well, friendly. and telling, and well, you read it. we really are lucky. but never mind.

can you believe i'm in nova fucking scotia writing this? hey, I got a picture of a 20 year 0ld, like psychaldelic 7-up sign. like no one ever threw a stone through it, you know? it is so cool. and the unemployment office is so excellent, too. I took pictures.

so i'm getting ready to crash. we're ahead an hour here. I can't wait to take the bus on the road. oh man, and on weds, I might be going on whale cruise. they've been seeing 20 a day. they saw a pink whale.

and then I hear the voice of the siamese cats from "101 dalmatians" saying

where there are whales there are shark nearby'

(instead of 'where there is baby, there is milk nearby' no, that's from lady and the tramp. that's right...)

and I saw jaws at too young an age. and 'the exorcist' I had nightmares for days.

oh, I wrote about that letter I got, well I wrote to who I thought was you know who, three times. all I got back was gibberish. I don't care who it was, you know? no shit. I will not crumble into someone's expectations of what they think I should be to be with them. that is selling out to the highest degree. and dames call it love. man.

no way. not this jo. not anymore after bobob. it should be fairly obvious that i'm not a lunatic. well not fairly obvious, but clear enough to the discerning reader. funny.

anyway, fuck it I mean it my hair is standing on end. I wrote back really funny. not like a total whore. I mean I was just funny and rambled a little but whoever it was was not amused. so I tried again. nothing. so I said 'audios muchacho'

I deserve a little respect. hey,

yikes but then I think I have just inflicted myself on the band but I so love the music. man. and people who hate me seem even more determined to like the band just to like try and piss me off or some shit. and people, well take a second listen, move past the mr.jones kinda aura, the silliness the tunes picked up in the minds of the insipid only. the rest of us heard it and knew right away what we had found. but people do listen to it in a different way after reading me. so there. gosh. oh,

tee hee, well I guess, um, the associated press story does talk about my silliness with adam in a story going out on an international wire. I mean a human interest story on the internet, a writer travleing around like this. cybergogue.

so lots of silly people will be reading it alot of places, huh? well I mean we talked about it, he asked me how it happened. I only started like kidding being in love with him and wasn't admitting I was serious for awhile and tried to keep it in perspective and then in the fall, well it got out of control and then the group came on line and I swear i've never been able to write the way I was able to when I started writing for him. man. i'm not kidding.

so I didn't say anything about the e-mail I got. cause, well I could understand him being pissed. I did force myself on him in a funny cute way that he needs so bad but hates. well he thinks it's so sad to resist love's impulse but it kinda sounds like he does it each and everytime. except when the dame is gone or sinking a knife in his back.

that all seems quite uneccessery. if you give a man the most excellent sex, you never have to worry. I swear. one little kiss make him a slave. but he fights. so you watch him with a half smile while moving slowly forward and he knows your coming but you move slowly enough that the way he seems stuck staring in your eyes makes it seem like you never moved at all until your lips brush against his as you make him think you were going to kiss him, too much too fast and he could have objected, but instead you brush by him and start making dreadlock jokes and get up and roll and joint while talking about how funny it was that james joyce used the word 'spent' so many times in "light in august" and about how spent joe christmas was and oh gosh, what was it like to not have christmas, I would ask but i'd never let him answer and tell him about the night I saw santa with my own eyes. driving a chevy. I knew he was real.

and it will be too much but oh gosh, every move I would make would be full of such promise.

but now I know this would only be if I felt like I think i'd feel but if I did, man. and I don't know if such ease would happen so quickly. but I think, man. like I wouldn't be so nervous. but i'd still be shy. but ornry. fearless. so scary.

but now I also know I don't even know what to expect from myself. I mean I react to how i'm treated, it kinda effects how I act. which seems right. if I were immune i'd be like a talking jo doll. well I am with a zillion trillion microchips. anyway, adam. um,

I mean i'm not always right but I am a nice funny jo. people like me, damn it. I can't believe it and i'm having a hard time adjusting but it's like scratching an itch. but I .

nevermind

anyway, um, I don't think it was him. after reading what he wrote, well, he might want to blow me off but I think he'd do it nicely. I mean man.

so, well, this is a magic place up here. there are so many places I need to go. all by myself. further and further away...

I am digging this fully instead of wigging fully. and I need some sleepsleep. I could have lived at ross' sister's house. man. it was so quiet and so beautiful. hey, I split some wood in my peasant girl dress. I just fed ross' dog some steak scraps. oh man, with mushrroms, huge, I can't believe i'm still vertical.

but not for long. and tomorrow I have to write about the other parts of my trip, woodstock and new york city and the mountains. man, ross all wigged about my damn spelling. hey, he grew up filthy rich. funny, huh? I don't tell too much but it's cool. moved to the bahamas to get away. started the ganja. moved to toronto, did acid with draft dogers. and his sister was a beatnik, the non-hip type, the type who kinda stayed in the background watching.

anyway, well out to my bus, take a candle, look out the back window without worrying about being killed.

I love posting from so many different accounts. like this is the underground jo railroad on the information superhighway.

and we'll see where I go next and when. I can't live on my salary. i'd like to go to the west coast, specifically to seattle and northern CA and stuff. so we'll see. all the way out there on a bus. i'll do it, damn it. get some nebutal. or tuinal. or seconal. or other things.

well we'll see.

i'm seeing some show about kurt cobain, the editor of a newsweekly in seatlle is on saying there's not going to be a cobain tribute or anything. and that it's just insane. instead of writing about what the insanity is a sign of. it's like they're too cool to care. I mean he killed himself and it just seems like a lot of things went into that, this *insanity* but let's not talk about what that is, which is the simple fact that some have so much and so many don't have enough and so this schism that produces 'stars' exists. and that gap is widening. man.

so they should have just asked jo. anyway, holy shit, this is a million pages long. I lose all concept of time and length, I do. in wigdom pages, this seems like four or five. I don't know.

well I feel so strange being like the great excellent jo. I told ross that if it were easy for me to deal with, if I would start waving like a parade princess, i'd be a dick. I won't ever be able to accept that I deserve all this and I don't want to. I will never forget that I am just lucky. I mean I will never forget my honey I went to jail with. and the poopy. even though he's doing well. well I just have to make sure I never forget the people on the bus. I think about them all still back there.. day after day headed to a nowhere job and back home to a nowhere life.

oh happy happy. well here i'm like famous in a big bus only everyone likes me. and feeds me. at his sisters, she made a roast. and cut red potatoes with onions. baked. and home made bread. salad from garden grown greens and stuff. and bread for breakfast with home-made raspberry jelly. and me and ross' granddaughter found some bushes and she ate everyone while I avoided mosquitoes.

anyway, well, i'm tired. big day tomorrow. have to get first draft of column done before I leave. we cruse the most beautiful country in the jo bus and my home page address on the side door. so funny. I felt like such a circus animal at first but only cause I was wigged and now I think it is so funny. madge would die. and ross knows how to fix everything. man.

anyway, mirror ball is playing again. I have 3 tapes. you know what they are.

okay, sleepy jojo

see you soon.

East Port Medway, South Shore, Nova Scotia,