Subject: kathy jo is in here. and don't expect too much from me Date: 30 Jul 1995 06:04:32 GMT what the fuck? suck my dick. oh i just love saying bad bad words from inside someone else's account but sorry. i'm still in nova scotia. can't find a place to crash for a night in portland maine. but i'll be able to get a hotel room monday night. oh, i'm so sleepy sleepy. okay, well, sly stallone's mother just predicted that the computer industry is going to go down because of virus' and people getting rashes and cancer sitting in front of a monitor. man. wathcing these psychic friends. man. you might as well just call a stranger and ask them to make shit up. anyway, here's the post i wrote and spell checked. i can't wait to go home to my madge and my yard and big big huge apartment that really is so beautiful. okay. see you hey, i’m stranded in nova scotia. and I don’t know what to do. the only boat gets in at night and busses don’t leave till the morning so I don’t know what to do so right now I had some aspirin loaded with codeine and caffeine and I have so many mosquito bites and I scratch them like wild. i’m trying to watch Saturday night live. rod stewart is on. man. I can’t take it. I don’t hate him but think of the bands they could have on there. anyway, I should be on this show cause i’m the only truly funny person that is a loser. and they, well they are too secure in there position and those skits end so badly. but anyway, what else? ross is cool now. he cooks for me, serves me and no complaints. I love sleeping on the bus cause I think it’s so funny. but he read my notebook and I wrote all kinds of horrible shit about him and feel so fucked. he said I was cruel before. but he shouldn’t have read my notebook. so I figured he got what he deserved for being a snoopy dog. man. I mean I was so pissed at him cause there was no way he didn’t do all this so i’d fall in love with him. all he did was insult adam, which I mean I know adam isn’t like personally effected cause one guy in nova scotia talks shit, but see, adam shouldn’t have to be a part of this sordid story, but he is. cause my life is a great story I don’t care who thinks what. it is. and what else? i’ve been having some crazy dreams. not good ones. I feel trapped up here but I admit that i’m not working too hard to get out of here cause I dread coming back to the heat. and i’ve been able to really work on my column. I tried writing back to mr.happy but this mailer keeps sending it back. but i’ll do what you asked. anyway, well, i’ll be here for another day. i’ve been stationary for a whole week. it really was rough starting out. but he is cool and admitted it all. and I just don’t think me and adam was like me and ross. I mean ross didn’t let me exist. and I was screaming at him. I am loud. but not mean. you’d have to see me. but he admitted it finally. he only let me like what he liked and if I didn’t, he was pissed. thinking I wasn’t so joish. he never said anything but I could tell. I read his mind, folks. you bet. I am a wise old jo. but I j ust know myself and how I move and all so I see it in others. that’s all. but I only existed in how he thought I should be and never let me exist. I felt like I disappeared. and he backed off. he was really cool. I mean it wasn’t so base that he just wanted to scrape me but he did want me for his own and wouldn’t admit it and man did it piss me off. just cause he expected me to play this unspoken game where he does everything perfectly and then I fall in love and move here and enlighten him forever. and he made fun of me for talking about adam like I do. and I was mortified thinking that I behaved the same way to adam as ross did to me. except I am totally up front about how spent I am. I never pretended that I um, just respected him as an artist and thought he’d be interesting. I said I wanted him to well never mind cause I really, man, after being out here. who knows? but I read his post and his music and sometimes that’s all you need to know. but feelings can be so deceptive. I don’t know. then I think, well you all know what I think, that i’m an asshole and I wonder how many of you get so mad seeing me write about adam, like loving him is my way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all who would undo me by doing me. fuck you fuck you fuck you who just want some famous dame. I swear. I mean I felt like ross just wanted to be a part of someone getting famous and I just fit the bill. I didn’t even matter. man. HEY, BUSTER. I am NOT in search of a rock star boyfriend. but a musician, a poet, yes. I need that. I mean, well. poor rod stewart. but this ain’t too bad a song. ‘leave virginia alone’ man, like I said, ‘handbags and gladrags’ is one of my favorite songs. and ‘sailing’ and ‘first cut is the deepest’ and ‘the killing of georgie’ anyway, I tried calling betty. I called a few people. talked to my precious little son who is doing really well. I mean he doesn’t miss me too much which makes me feel like I did a good job. I mean I didn’t make his dependent on me. oh, and I say i’m a dependent dame cause I get like lexie and spent and spineless when i’m in love. oh, oh, and am I supposed to think adam isn’t like that after hearing his tunes? I mean, what’s funny about him is that it seems like he gets smacked upside the head when he finds a dame that really wigs him so he tries to keep it together and then the dame gets sick of his shit so she leaves and then suddenly she haunts him. I mean I could be wrong but I think most of you men are like this. but there comes a time when a jo saunters by dropping daisy petals at your feet. how many times are you going to do the same things wrong? I mean, this is why we get old, so when forced with the same demons, we feel the urgency to confront them lest we spend out lives running. not fun. oh, I feel even more different from the world than ever. but this world is crazy. I mean ross expected me to just ignore so much bullshit and treat me like a normal dame, try and like, well the whole soap opera thing, he’ll be so nice that i’ll be defenseless and all this. thing is, I *like* doing things all by myself. but at times, I love someone fussing over me. but I like to do it, too. I don’t know. I just like being my own jo. I like doing things cause it makes me feel, well, self-sufficient. and hey, I am no crows’ groupie. even though on the way to Prince edward island, the most beautiful place in the world beside salzburg, I don’t listen to the crows as a function of my identify. I sound like a dick but I don’t care. but I listen to them because of what i’m about. and I am about some whining, man. hey, I can’t get the counting crows’ group from rosses server here. I am so mad. oh man, and you can’t go anywhere without hearing about the fucking internet. the net with dennis miller virtuosity where a composite of 13 serial killers invites kathy jo to come stay with him. but I swear to god I am too smart to be killed even though I was talking to ross this morning and even started crying cause I can’t help but thinking someone is going to try to hurt me really bad. I don’t know. I just know men get sooo mad at me cause I call them on their bullshit. oh, you’re all afraid of me cause I do that. but it really isn’t that bad. I mean I get mad but ross knew I wasn’t anyone to be feared. I think it’s a relief when someone finally starts being honest. I mean in the book ‘kitchen’ she meets some dame who is really blunt and she said it was a relief, too. I just know you guys waste so much energy trying to cover for so much and I feel bad. anyway, well ross made me mad cause he was so fucking pushy and such a man and trying so hard to win me over and is probably so pissed reading this but knows better than to deny it by now. but he is very very kind. and he has a good life. and aspirin with codeine in them. yummy. I do love some opiates but I love pot and liquor and haven’t drank since fair haven and I may be returning there to see a yale graduate student who loved me until he saw my picture. oh, i’m so weird. but happy happy. the doctress neutopia just called me and I talked to her and am going to be able to go see her. I guess i’m leaving Monday morning cause I can get a hotel Monday night. so then down to her place. then I have to head home via woodstock again. I should do more promotional things. oh I hate to admit it, but I hate it. I don’t mind being interviewed but I hate being profiled. well I don’t like the attention. yeah right, who me? yikes rod stewart is ruining his own song. maggie may. just like adam sang. poor rod. I mean well you got to hand it to him, but he is old. but he’s dressed like an white, english michael jackson. I mean he is a circus animal and it doesn’t seem to bother him it bothers me. cause of course I am and always have been a circus animal men used for sex. but now, I don’t know. I just wish I could pay the rent and smoke pot and listen to tunes and write netposts and answer e-mail. oh I could cry. cause I have so much work to do changing the world that will take me from my home. but I am a woman of the wind. I mean I love the feeling of busses. I do, of going to strange homes to meet virtual strangers and the rush of wondering if they’re going to try and hurt me. but I am so smart. I swear I am impossible to kill. I guess I shouldn’t talk about it but i’m sorry. I was crying and told ross that I always am in fear for my very life. my dad was crazy and I thought he was going to finally kill us, especially after we left and he tried to find us. man. so sad jo. so even up here, well i’m just sleeping in the bus. it is so cool. I have a fan. but it gets so chilly. oh gosh, the fog is so wild. I mean, hey, rod took his jacket and tie off. still has the same hair and that perpetual tan and now dances like a dame. oh, I can’t talk about people if I thought they could read it. I swear I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I think they have to know the shit i’m talking about. I mean it seems like he has accepted what he is. I don’t know. i’m just so scared. I mean if I start to perform and be famous, i’ll have to make sure I can be o on command. which means playing myself when the energy isn’t there. and just having it being demanded makes it exhausting. it’s just exhausting thinking about everyone looking at you and expecting you to be attractive and smart and snippy all the time. man. I know I sound like eddie vedder. hey, but I don’t have a fucking dime to my name though. but I guess that will come. I do like being kinda low key but I used to so love the spot light. when I was a child. now, I just want to watch but I have so much to say and think I can really have th most influence by being in person. you all need to see me to really know. I mean so many things I say are funny but it’s impossible to tell over the computer. I need to talk to you, right to you. but it makes me cry thinking about what will happen to me. I will miss my life with my son and madge on suncrest street, working in the yard and just writing, on the cusp of something great. but I mean i’ve gotten hate mail even in my paper, from the beginning. but everyone has their bad days, eh? oh, I just. i’m a country girl I guess. I don’t know. but I am a wild whore, too. I swear. I love the danger and closeness of the big city but I don’t want to live there. I like to go to sleep early but out here, my sleep schedule is all crazy. I sleep at like 4 am, get up at nine, sleep again at 4 pm, wake up at nine for dinner. but i’m taking a lot of time on this column and will start the next one. man, I am so sorry ross read my notebook. but see, he knows I can’t hurt anyone. well I do talk mean about the guy in new york city. but he surrendered all rights to kindness by threatening to sue me like a little whining girl instead of just writing to me about what I could and couldn’t say. christ, it wasn’t that fucking bad. so he pissed me off. he was the man I thought I could love. and in some way, I think I could have. but after meeting him, well, he is a selfish bastard. hmm, I wonder if adam is. I mean it’s classic for men. even ross, well it just made me mad cause everything he did for me, he was doing just to win me. which I can’t even condone, but he wasn’t honest about it. but now, well he does it just cause he does truly love me. he is in like, well, I can’t say it. but he is in awe of me. I can see it. it’s weird. but I just think it’s so much easier being like me than him. I mean being honest is always the best policy. no matter what happens, you are carved. honesty is like a strange karmic net. oh, i’m so glad to meet the doctress. and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had adam on the brain as much out here. but I can’t help feeling so connected to him. I mean it’s just nice to know that he’s doing really good. snl. oh well. it did do alot for the crows, though. their album took off that month. hey, I wish I could talk to susan smith. that poor, poor dame. see, murder is presented so easy. I mean you don’t know, can’t *feel* the evil around the loss of a life. I can’t imagine how she must feeling knowing she killed her children. she was spent. put her to death. please. I mean the kids are gone. if we didn’t condone killing *sometimes* shit like that wouldn’t’ happen. killing is either wrong or right. it’s the only thing, I don’t know. never mind. but how about that new drug that stops you from being fat? man. would that be wild if suddenly I would take a pill everyday and eat whatever I want and be thin. I swear I dont want to be thin. I mean, well. this country is like so gross in how it acts, so indulgent and brutal and thinness is just denial and I don’t know. I don’t know. but I just like having thighs and a little tummy. yeah, maybe a smaller tummy, eh madge? to hear ross talk, I gained 50 pounds up here. but I have been hungry up here. well cause it’s not hot. I don’t know. and the food is so good. the lehave bakery is so good. I mean you can’t believe this bread. and all this homemade food. well tomorrow is my last day here. i’ll miss it. ross is a real friend. and I really liked everyone I met here. it’s just hard meeting people when I was feeling hot and spent. man. but I am always able to snap into jo and make them laugh. I can always do it, maybe after I get more confident in myself, it won’t be so hard. but I HATE people trying to second guess what i’m about even though I do it with them but i’m right about them which is dangerous, you know? oh, it’s so complicated. even how I, well, the jury is out about what the thing with adam is about. I have had to put him back into the realm of a beautiful dream again. my dreams always tells me he hates me. but I dont think he does but I get the feeling a part of him fights me so bad. or maybe a part of me is fighting this whole thing. but he tried to have me burned alive in one dream. and one dream he sold me to the nazis. man. that’s a fine hello to jo. I swear to god I don’t need him to approve of me or anything, I just think this is so cute and funny and wonderful. and this will be my first work of fiction. it will be a book and a movie and he’ll have to watch how excellent our life could be. well i’m going to go. i’m watching a ufo show. I love sleeping on the bus. I mean. it is so cozy but scary. I don’t know. weird. everywhere I go, i’m scared a man is going to try and kill me. that is very, very sad. I don’t like to be alone. so then I think I need to be. but I do have faith and go home to home regardless and just trust my fate, you know? oh, well everyone. I feel a little sad today. and I know I have to leave and i’m so afraid of what’s going to happen to me cause I get no money and might have to get a normal job or leave pittsburgh and I can’t leave my son even though I think i’ll have to and can set up shop in a new town writing for a paper who will be able to use me without the egos of other writers getting into it. oh yeah, where’s that? well we’ll see. it makes my stomach hurt to think about going back to my debts. this isn’t a real world out here, either. okay, but I never worried about money before and it was okay. I have faith. and I really wonder if I should just seriously think about giving up having sex forever and start thinking about other things. I love to just sit and have elaborate sexual daydreams. man. I waste so much time doing that. ross got me some ice cream. he does anything I say and is really cool. like he likes to be in my service. I never really let a man do that before. it’s funny. and he treats me like that and I let him and he’s lucky then he acts like i’m so lucky. and I am but I hate being forced into gratitude especially when he’s doing all kinds of unnecessary silliness just to impress me. but see, he wants to be honest. he wants to think about things different, to change, all these things, so he doesn’t fight me. but I am starting to figure out that I am a leader. I am different from most people. I am separate. very lucky. but I feel very burdened with it. like I just want to have fun and talk to people. but they either love me or hate me but rarely are just easy with me. gosh. but I have hope that someone someday will feel the same and we’ll be easy together. so mr.jo, I gotta go sleep in my bus. i’m watching some ufo show. hey, I miss david stoutmeyer. (I know I spelled your name wrong) I miss my e-mail. I do. there are a few of you I really have come to be close to. anyway, well, of course I didn’t fall in love out here. and I didn’t fuck my way across the country even though some people are quite fond of that image of me. so am I. but i’m not the whore I thought I was. as a matter of fact, I am kinda a one-delusion dame. even though new york city. such a shame. really. okay, well okay, i’ll see you. i’m not proofreading. sorry. i’m just too tired and you have to add end breaks in ross’ mailer. and I am tired. I mean cause my life has no structure at all out here. it’s so weird. i’m in a different bed most everynight. hopefully tomorrow i’ll be staying at the inn that demi moore spanked bruce willis in when she was up here filming the scarlett letter. I have pictures of everything, too. oh, fog makes the world seem so small but magic. a mist. you can actually see it come moving in. it bellows. I mean billows. I don’t know. i’m only saying that cause I know adam lived in the bay area and my brother told me about the fog but we don’t get much of it in pittsburgh. oh, i’m so sick of thinking. good night friends and jo’s jojo