======== Newsgroups: alt.fan.dirty-whores,alt.fan.kathy-jo Subject: i'm home and you can't believe how bad i'm dying From: alistria@aol.com (Alistria) Date: 6 Aug 1995 23:09:21 -0400 i get home at 4 am, the air as thick as ice creme with cigarette buts floating in it as it melts toward a sewer, oh yes i'm home and feel so angry, just getting ready for the future, preparing for fame which demands you be defensive (hi ross). well i get here but madge isn't and the yard, well, it's not doing so good and then madge isn't here and i didn't have a key cause i didn't need it in new england and never expected to come home to an empty house and had to climb in and i put this all on the counting crows group cause i didn't like want to post here and ruin my own group but you all sound so good, i mean a whole bunch of you doing this and it's not real but it's a start, you know? it really is a net. anyway, well you should see how swollen and bruised my forearms are oh and outside, i can hear fireworks cause of the regatta and i had to hoist myself through a window and i thought it'd be a lot easier but it was really hard, well the windows ten feet up, so even from a chair, i could barely get my fingers around the window sill inside and the pane from the storm windows dug in my arms but i swung my leg up, fucked up my knee but i pulled with everything i had and i got it even though my ribs and where i should have hips got bruised. and leo and his three cats (mom and two kittens) and his dog and my niece and sister all came here and the kids spent the night and all i wanted was greek olives and artichock hearts and a blizzard. gosh, the air conditioining. oh, and madge is leaving me. she doesn't know when but she has to get out on her own. and it hurts but i don't know. and bob wagner is getting married. isn't that the most amazing thing? yes, to the dame who wouldn't let us say 'fuck' in the car. they'll be a husband and wife team and they'll each have someone to blame when they end up. never mind but man. so. funny, eh? jojo all alone. no mr.jones and me. just me me. jojo and me me. i will move all over. i'm scared i'll be crazy. all on my own. nothing to lose. again. i don't want to be like that. i don't have a lot of friends you know? i have fans cause there are too many of you. and no, i wouldn't be best friends with all of you. and i'm not going to apologize for that. we don't like the same stuff or feel the same way about things. i don't demand you be like me but felt like people demand i be like them so they cna prove they're cool enough. i don't know. i'm just tired and i can't write alot. please don't e-mail me yet either. i mean i am really banged up and woke up in my own room, my own little house that is a distaster area, in a panic cause i didn't know where i was and i need a home. i need friends. i don't need gosh. i think i should just claim to be celebate so i could get some spirituality points and just be sexless and act like it's deliberate. but i swear i i don't know. i wish i could hide. oh, but i'll be sooo big and famous no where to hide and believe me, it's something you take for granted cause most of you never need to high. only dream of being famous. but when you know it's not going to be there, the world gets smaller and smaller so maybe i guess that's why i have to be alone and my brother's getting married on friday. and i don't know what's going to happen to me. anyone want to see a resume? i really am a writer. i can sound like a normal human being. i can i really can. oh god and the heat but tomorrow, or tuesday, well mark might be getting us so funny sunshine and my knuckles are scraped and bleeding from pulling weeds on the driveway and everywhere, but i'm going to get the yard right again and in a month, it will be so beautiful. but now, it's a little spent cause of all the heat and stuff. anyway, mr. and mrs. bob wagner. it's amazing to me. and my brother getting married on friday but adam duritz won't marry me and after realizing i was going to back off saying that after realizing that i don't know him from adam, i don't care. that is different. oh and right now, well i don't have a lot of friends and it's too easy to get caught in my current so i need someone with a big current so i can do my stuff and he can do his and then i don't know, but madge has to go. can't be my sidekick forever. i am very very sad and me and her cry all day. and then my sister tells me bob wagner's engaged. and i have no idea where my life is headed and i'm scared and i am too much jo for people. i told you all that and no one believes me. i make everyone feel small i think and i don't mean to at all and they all know that and that's why they have to cry when they have to go away and my son is gone and i'm a free bird . . . and i don't want to be. i like a nest and flowers and lawn furniture and stencils and hanging plants and laundry, well not laundry but i'm in a dream anyway. i always expect too much from life. i just think it smacks me around and i'm going to be all alone for the first time. totally alone. i am a people person. but very few people ever feel really comfortable. i kinda can read people's mind. so, and i'm um, unique so you can't figure me out so you can never relax around me so i never can really be myself and my gosh. my gosh. alone. so be it. i want a deal from my magazine or i'm gone. i will be on a resume sending binge and i'll get a gig at another newsweekly. i swear to god i will sell everything i own no, i can't. i need a home. i'm not a gypsy. okay, i'll store it, let betty use whatever she wants. i'll figure it out. the rent is only 300 a month. i don't know. but i won't sublet cause no one will take care of the place like me cause it's mine and i worked for it and that's it. i need a home. damn it. i fucking hate money. and gosh, oh gosh. bob wagner's getting married but i bet that makes some of you happy, eh? i just think, well they will be perfect and very happy if for no other reason than to spite me. i don't know. i just don't know. marry. and man, the other dame he had well that's very sad. okay, i gotta go. time is money but it's not the same writing off-line. i love the counting crows' group. i just feel like, i don't know. my back hurts from my own bed. my brain still isn't comprehending that i'm home. and i'm tired. just spent. i will never be normal and people get mad and say im not me if i act differently than they expect and that's not fair. i'm just tired. and just give me some time here. my fucking head is spinning. love jojo