oh man, i just had my first bite of mango. and i'm loving it.
but i have to take a different attitude. i am like a journalist. and i have to be honest and really look at things. i do talk to people about what i write. i showed the first person my entire notebook but i told him that it kinda pissed me off that he wanted to see it.
see, that's why i feel like i'm in prison out there.
i just heard a big bang and a scream and now the water's running. aw the baby's crying. i'll be back. they're busy.
okay, i'm back. i fed the little baby her first bannanas. her first solid food. aunty jojo.
so we ate outside with cool crooked candles and kale and some wild salad and green beans and buffalo tofu. i swear. (like hot wings only tofu) and i drank water.
i'm listening to mirror ball.
this is
shit, just tried to hit the wrong end of the joint. good thing it went out.
anyway, so we ate on cool plates, with a pale blue light from an old streetlight and mel nursed the baby. and i could hear the stream behind the road. and i have a joint hanging out of my mouth as i type. very efficient. i feel guilty doing this but i have to. like paul said, this is the business. these have to be really good.
so i said i'd write like this, spew, and pick what to focus on.
peace and love. i just don't think anyone understands how crucial things are. and we need to learn how to get along. and quit being so stupid.
i mean, this is a huge test for myself. see, i think intelligence is manifested in your ability to adjust to your envirnoment and i need to prove to myself that i can handle anything and yeah, i failed. but only a little.
hey, i didn't make anyone hate me or anything. but i haven't been to new york city. if i can make a man hate me there, i can make them hate me anywhere.
i love these tunes and you watch me now. i'm going straight to the top of where i have to go. and i won't be famous in a stupid sense. i just don't think they'll be able to box me in, not as long as i continue to be honest and do my best at the ethical stuff, i will change the world. in a way that you'll hardly know.
there will be no revolution. man, revolution is male bullshit. we get so diverted by the revolution we don't see the changes that must be made. fighting is the opposite of laughing, they both *solve* problems, but man. fighting. stupid. force instead of thought. menmenmen
i must confront every wigdom. i'm going to do it straight forward. i will say whatever i feel only this time what i'm feeling will be about other people. man, the real test of what lurks in us. i mean i feel really bad about wigdom. i was never ever ever ever in any danger. except of being adulated into having an ulcer.
i swear to god i can't take it. i can't put this stupid shit into my column. but when people think i'm excellent, i'm just waiting for the bomb to drop. like, well i'm excellent because you get some feeling or something but someday at any moment i become a mere human and i can see it in your eyes and i can't take it.
oh my god. i am rushing so bad. health food. no, it's this song. neil and pearl jam
i had it all once
i gave it back
i gave it back
come on, who gave what back? is eddie or neil hurting for cash? had it all gave it back moved to carrick with a monkey on my back.
madge honey. i know you have forty men there a night. but lock up.
man, this song. and this trip of mine. i needed to get out of my room. as much as i miss it. there is too much of this world to be locked inside a story book. but there is much much sadness. and emtyness. everywhere stuffed with promise in a world of nothing but NEXT
NEXT
NEXT
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yeah. this is the disease. and we wonder why there is so much cancer. and why adam isn't happy. had it all, didn't he? he'll never get what he wants. i mean. well, you can't suddenly go back to 13 and make them all like you no matter how many models you've scraped off your tires.
but here i am, nextnext next in a big way. now there's the business of writing on the net. yeah, i've been in too long. mind you, i'm going to new york city with a man who says some really wild shit to me but he'd never hurt me. i think men are genuinely frightened of me and they should be. i dress like a wierdo to ride busses. a huge denim jacket with the thelma and louise emblem. man, that movie, imagine how i wept at the end of what i thought was a comedy. i've never been the same.
anyway, this world. get on the bus and move along down the road. i will not be scared of anything. oh god i am though. no, i am just blown away by how different things have been than i expected. i am wigging.
but i am on a pilgramage damn it. i get a feel for people on the net that never changes. i can tell someone who's nice. even the bastard in the city is what i think is a noble man. a cocky noble man which mean i have to take care of what's left of his ego.
oh, and what kind of car does adam drive? he should have a hummer. maybe master adam doesn't drive anymore. no, besides a hummer, well he should ride a harley but his hair might blow right off without a helmet. oh, i want to jag him about all kinds of stuff and then he would realize that he is truly as cool as i think he is. i can feel him close to me here. i don't know why. but i do.
there is a dulcimer here. and a harmonium. two bambo flutes. recorders. all kinds of stuff. piano, amps. yeah, this looks like an old theater. i can't wait to look through her clothes. she has some really cool shoes.
it really is hot around here today.
if you need to e-mail me, do it here but only if it's like important. then i'm going to new york city and then i don't know. new haven. and i have to make some calls.
oh, please. well i don't want anyone to tell me how to live. i am too wretched. i have been alone too long and was so set in my ways of basic living and didn't know. i lived in an ivory welfare tower with air conditioning and four pillows and two blankets.
how many times must i prove this to myself? that i can go anywhere and survive anything. wow, they're smoking some sage herb stuff. not tea. just me. hey, i'm using a little brass ashtray that i love. i mean it. this is another world. i do so love it. and i truly am so tired. i should bathe but i am so spent. my mind. i mean i just have to switch into a different gear.
but that gear is like i'm going into a jungle. i just have to be ready for anything. no matter how it makes me feel, i'll have to deal with it. i'm going to BAM, have to go live with virtual strangers. that is too weird a way to meet someone. hello, live with me.
i mean except for adam if he met me cause he would need to be around me constantly just to breathe as deeply as he would when trying to inhale the feeling, the air around my eyes.
oh now i'm drinking tilk. tea with boiled milk. and spices. it's like health food chocolate milk. so i've been talking to paul and mel. the baby is sleepy sleeping. and i am a sleepy distugusting jo. but i will adjust to the loss of control over my envirnoment. it's just that i just started this little trip and went from 0 to 50 on the wigdom scale. but my stomach hurt for days before i left. man.
but i've been in pittsburgh in my immaculate house in my immaculte yard on the immaculate bus and now i am sitting staring at the patterns of discarded gum on the floors of grehound stations.
and man, the things i see. i literally see the whole world totally differently than i did before my education. but these people i go and see, no matter what, i see goodness. the people who come here are all spent in some way. so we all have our loneliness. our problems. our small disgraces. and people trust me to walk right into their lives knowing i will see it all. trusting me not to wig. and i did.
jesus. i did. i screwed up. but i can't go back. not now. man. i want to say i don't want to hurt anyone to appease my guilt like not going back is something i'm not doing totally for myself.
i just can't. and i can't explain. and if i feel that way again, no matter how much i rant and rave, i'll continue to keep going because i can. simply and honestly. oh
i guess i wrote alot. my tunes are off so i can't hear much but paul and mel are cool and let me write but if i hear the baby, i get her.
the biggest tibetan buddhism place in the western world is up here. mel is hindu. all i know is that it is so cool up here. i would love to raise a baby up here. everyone is so laid back.
but see, i am spent. i see so much beauty in the gawdy mcCrory's america. i see people trying to find the best in themselves in the saddest world that will never let them find it. gosh. jo. i need this trip so bad. there is so much in this world that i haven't dreamed of.
and i thought i knew so much. man. there is so much sadness. i feel bad even having to mention it. but i think that's the only way to survive it.
mel is walking around naked. nobody wants to see me attempt that stunt. well maybe i won't hate my body as much. it was cool bumming around in some flannel boxer shorts and a huge t-shirt and no bra, army boots. funny.
adam needs to get away from california. how do you stay in contact with your heart between bouts of desperation in the viper room? i imagine the "A" circle to be the smallest place you can live. how would you know what was real?
like a room full of pictures
like a sky full of lies
like a kiss full of blisters
where hello is good-bye
and you strike up the band
and you play your guitar
and you fight how you feel
cause you know where you are:
you know who you are
you know who you are
you know who you are.
hey, i just wrote that, just like that. kinda. well i would love to write lyrics. and adam, well he always lacks closure. which isn't any surprise given what i think i know about him. closure.
not quite so surprising considering how some people live. i like closure. putting the truth out there and cutting the lies that bind.
oh, i need to smoke a little smig. i'll be back later.