Magic 8-Ball: 1, Telemarketers: 0

Telemarketers behold the power of the Magic 8-Ball

Recently, due to mystic powers beyond mortal comprehension, my Magic 8-Ball wound up sitting next to the telephone. This seemed like it might come in handy (you know, on the off-chance a friend called up and needed their fortune in a hurry), so I left it there. Then, the next time a telemarketer called, I found myself gazing upon the oracle of power.

You can see where this is going.

Since then, I've answered each telemarketing call according to the strange whims of the Magic 8-Ball. This is more time consuming than simplying hanging up on them, but it's a lot more satisfying and is fun in a mildly sadistic sort of way. Here's a typical conversation:

Telemarketer: Am I speaking to Phillip Lee?

Phil: Yes?

TM: I'm calling from US/Bavaria/Zurich Credit International and I'd like to offer you this opportunity blah blah blah...

(While the telemarketer is reciting their spiel, I reach for my trusty Magic 8-Ball.)

TM: ...blah blah may I send you this information?

Phil: Concentrate and ask again.

TM: I'm sorry?

Phil: It is certain.

TM: Is this Phillip Lee?

Phil: Without a doubt.

TM: Then, may I send you information about our credit card?

Phil: Ask again later.

TM: Mr. Lee?

Phil: Very doubtful.

TM: Excuse me, Mr. Lee?

Phil: Outlook not so good.

TM: ...we'll call back.

I've gone through this routine with a whole slew of telemarketers, and it always goes the same way: after a while they get confused and hang up on you, which makes for a nice bit of turnaround. And, since you didn't hang up on their introductory pitch, they've got enough invested that they want to stick with the conversation as long as possible. They'll also wait around for you to answer if the 8-Ball is acting up.

TM: ...blah blah blah would you be interested in learning more about this offer?

(I've managed to shake the 8-Ball a bit too hard and can't see a damn thing through the bubbles.)

TM: Mr. Lee? Mr. Lee?

Phil: Signs point to yes.

TM: Okay, so we can send you the information then?

(Again, peering through the murk proves difficult. I'm holding the 8-Ball up to the light and waiting for the bubbles to disolve.)

TM: Mr. Lee? Are you there Mr. Lee? Hello?

Phil: Reply hazy, try again.

TM: ...thank you for your time.

And so on and so forth.

I realize I'm probably being a bit of a jerk - after all, even telemarketers are human beings, unless you get an automated system or whatnot - but, what the heck. Hopefully some of them appreciate the non-sequitur break in their routine; if nothing else, it gives them something to talk about in the break room. I have yet to have anyone twig and say, "Hey, you're consulting the Magic 8-Ball, aren't you?", but I figure it's only a matter of time. Meanwhile, I'll continue to use my 8-Ball for both divination and phone conversations.

Update: I finally had someone realize what was happening. A couple of minutes into a desperate attempt to sell me a credit card the telemarketer stopped and said, "Wait a minute. Are you using a Magic 8-Ball?" I gleefully continued throwing her answers from the mystic artifact while she called her co-workers over to listen in and asked me if I liked Fruity Pebbles. Finally, highly amused, she gave up, so at least both parties were entertained by the power of the 8-Ball for once.

I've since retired the 8-Ball and now use a copy of Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse Tung, better known as the Little Red Book. So far only one telemarkter has fallen victim to it, a gentleman with a very thick Indian accent who didn't know what he was getting into.

TM: Hello, Mr. Lee?

Phil: Yes?

TM: I'm calling to tell you about blah blah blah...

(At this point I reach for my trusty Little Red Book and flip to a random passage.)

TM: ...blah blah blah would you be interested in this very special offer?

Phil: Draw two lines of distinction. First, between revolution and counter-revolution, between Yenan and Sian. Some do not understand that they must draw this line of distinction. For example, when they combat bureaucracy, they speak of Yenan as though "nothing is right" there and fail to make a comparison and distinguish between the bureaucracy in Yenan and the bureaucracy in Sian. This is fundamentally wrong. Secondly, within the revolutionary ranks, it is necessary to make a clear distinction between right and wrong, between achievements and shortcomings and to make clear which of the two is primary and which secondary. For instance, do the achievements amount to 30 per cent or to 70 per cent of the whole? It will not do either to understate or to overstate. We must have a fundamental evaluation of a person's work and establish whether his achievements amount to 30 per cent and his mistakes to 70 per cent, or vice versa. If his achievements amount to 70 per cent of the whole, then his work should in approve the main. It would be entirely wrong to describe work in which the achievements are primary as work in which the mistakes are primary. In our approach to problems, we must not forget to draw these two lines of distinction, between revolution and counter-revolution and between achievements and shortcomings. We shall be able to handle things well if we bear these two distinctions in mind; otherwise, we shall confuse the nature of the problems. To draw these distinctions well, careful study and analysis are of course necessary. Our attitude towards every person and every matter should be one of analysis and study.

(Pause.)

TM: WHAT?

Phil: We should carry on constant propaganda among the people on the facts of world progress and the bright future ahead so that they will build their confidence in victory. At the same time, we must tell the people and tell our comrades that there will be twists and turns in our road, There are still many obstacles and difficulties along the road of revolution. The Seventh Congress of our Party assumed that the difficulties would be many, for we preferred to assume there would be more difficulties rather than less. Some comrades do not like to think much about difficulties. But difficulties are facts; we must recognize as many difficulties as there are and should not adopt a "policy of non-recognition". We must recognize difficulties, analyse them and combat them. There are no straight roads in the world; we must be prepared to follow a road that twists and turns and not try to get things on the cheap. It must not be imagined that one fine morning all the reactionaries will go down on their knees of their own accord. In a word, while the prospects are bright, the road has twists and turns. There are still many difficulties ahead that we must not overlook. By uniting with the entire people in a common effort, we can certainly overcome all difficulties and win victory.

At this point we reached an impasse. I waited patiently for a reply, the telemarkter didn't say anything, and neither one of us hung up for several minutes. Finally, I yielded, secure in my victory. Hurrah for Chairman Mao! Hurrah for a Great Leap Forward in conversations with telemarkters!

You can get a Magic 8-Ball of your very own from the toy store for seven bucks or so, or you can consult one online. Mattel has a flash Magic 8-Ball on their website, and if that doesn't do it for you there are plenty of other 8-Balls available. You can get a vintage used print copy of Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse Tung from Amazon for about five bucks, or just consult the handy online edition I linked to above.

The Magic 8-Ball is copyright 2001 Mattel, Inc. Just so you know. Meanwhile, Quotations from Chariman Mao Tse Tung is a gift to all oppressed people. Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your telemarketing calls!

Consult the oracle: phil at ibiblio dot org