Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 23:50:48 EST From: MercutioV@aol.com To: ffml@fanfic.com Subject: [FFML] [parody/satiric] Ultra-Condensed Fanfiction. There are so many fanfics out there, who has time to read them all? We're all busy people, of course, and can't very well be expected to spend every waking hour reading these things. Hence, as a public service to you, the good people of the FFML, I've run a some twenty-odd fics through my special Ultra-Condensing process, distilling them down to their purest essences. What once took hours of grueling reading can now be accomplished in mere minutes. And so, presented for your convenience...... ULTRA-CONDENSED FANFICTION. (DISCLAIMER: This is a work of parody, not unlike MSTings or other such things. It is done in the spirit of fun and puckish mischieviousness, and is not meant to be taking seriously. Or hell, maybe it is. I don't know.) (Oh, and the idea to do this was rather shamelessly stolen from the good people at Book-a-Minute, at http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute. They're funny, funny men, they are.) "Ill Met by Starlight," by Mike Loader and Susan Doenime. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio RANMA The first part is just like the anime, except I'm evil now. Watch me cause pain and death for about eight chapters, then have my horrid past revealed to gain reader sympathy. (He does.) MARIKO, KOJI, NABIKI, AND SHAN PU Die, Ranma, die! UKYOU & AKANE Damn, he's hot. RYOGA I'm dead, so I'm not in this. Bummer. RANMA Now watch me crucify Shan Pu and then get what's coming to me- oh wait, no, I guess instead I get to go to a mental hospital for a few years and then probably marry Akane after I get better. Wow, I got to avoid any real consequences at all. (He does.) NABIKI-IN-COMALAND FOUL!!!!!!! FOUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! THE END "Neon Exodus Evangelion." by Eyrie. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. DJ CROFT Hi, i'm DJ. I'm fourteen years old and yet somehow have the experience and knowledge of both James Bond and Albert Einstein, not to mention the improvisational skills of MacGuyver, all rolled into one. Wanna shag? EVERY FEMALE, EVEN THE LESBIAN Okay!!!! We love you, DJ! GENDO I hate him, but I'm evil and thus don't count. Fuyutsuki will help me to- hey, where'd he go? (For the next couple megs of text, we get to watch many OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES and COOL TECHNOBABBLE scenes while the authors re-write the series to conform to their MASSIVE EGOS.) MEGAZONE & GRYPHON He's not a self-insert! Really! DJ CROFT Asuka, of all the women available to me, I have chosen YOU to be my ho-momma. ASUKA Yay! I'm so happy, all my long-standing emotional scars and mental problems have been healed instantly! (Then, the PLOT takes an unexpeted left turn, and becomes LAME.) SHINJI I'm not in this series. Oh wait, I am. And I get sex. Cool. GENDO Hey, I guess I'm not evil, I was just being mind-controlled. Fancy that. (Then the ENDING, which hasn't been written yet but will doubtless feature DJ stopping the APOCALYPSE and being all COOL and MESSIANIC, comes.) THE END. "Waters Under Earth." by Alan Harnum. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. EVIL DR. TOFU. I'm evil. Very evil. Definitly, definitly evil. RANMA I guess we'll all have to go on a gigantic, description-ridden quest, then. (They do. Lots of MYSTIC STUFF happens, and a DRAGON eats EVIL DR. TOFU) AKANE Ranma, wake up! It was all a dream. And you're gay. THE END. "Black & Blue." by Lara Bartram. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. PRINCIPAL KUNO I'm going to have sex with Kodachi! KODACHI Eeeek! Someone save me! (KUNO bursts in and SAVES Kodachi.) KUNO Now _i'm_ going to have sex with Kodachi! KODACHI Yay! Now I'm happy! READERS Huh huh huh. Incest. Cool. Huh huh huh. THE END. "The More Things Change." by Rod M. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. RYOGA Hey Ukyou, can I move in with you? And then can the two of us fill Ranma and Akane's roles and re-enact the wacky hijinks with our own special twists? UKYOU MMmmmmmm..... okay! (They do.) THE END THE COLLECTED WORKS OF CHRIS DAVIES. Ultra-Condensed by Murmur and Mercutio. (STUFF happens, people DIE, other people are TRAUMATIZED, nobody really learns ANYTHING, and every female is a LESBIAN, except for a token HETEROSEXUAL encounter which enables them to sire the NEXT generation of LESBIANS.) THE COLLECTED WORKS OF JOHN BILES Ultra-Condensed by Murmur and Mercutio. (STUFF happens, nobody but BAD guys and designated GOOD GUY FODDER die, everyone learns SOMETHING, usually as TRITELY as possible. WOMBATS abound, for some strange reason.) "Scenario no Kawari" by Chris Davies. Ultra-Condensed by Murmur. C. RICHARD DAVIES I hate most most everyone here and find myself turning into the person I hate the most. Boo hoo. GENDO I'm having sex with a fourteen-year old genetic experiment, a workaholic bleach-blonde lesbian, and I still can't smile without it making everyone within a five mile radius want to smash my face in, so status quo, no? SHINJI I have no spine. MISATO I'm actually a bit more happy, but I'm still probably going to die. REI "..............." (THINGS happen, Davies probably has a CATHARTIC event, and the world still ends) KAORU Where can someone get a good frappachino around here? THE END "Eidolons." by Alan Harnum. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. RANMA Well, time for me to use Cologne's Deus ex Machina to try and remove my longstanding fear of cats. (RANMA goes to the DREAMLANDS and meets BAST.) BAST Well, you're cured. Now kill the Mirror-Lord. RANMA Okay. Hey, maybe he'll show me the mysteries of the multiverse! That'd be cool. (RANMA fights the MIRROR-LORD.) MIRROR-LORD I am slain. (Dies.) RANMA Oh, woe is I. It's thirty years later and Akane is middle-aged. Think I'll briefly show myself, thus re-opening all her emotional wounds, then run away and try to find some young version that I won't feel weird dating. (He does.) THE END. "Garden of Eva." by Jim Lazar. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. ASUKA Shinji! Have sex with me! REI No! Shinji wants to have sex with ME!!!! (Repeat fifty or sixty times.) THE END. "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut." by Andrew Huang. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. SHINJI Uh-oh, my souls gone missing. That ain't good. REI Shinji, is this your soul? Ooo! Violent mood swings! Hey, this is fun. Wanna date, short, dark, and spineless? SHINJI Okay. But afterwards we have to hatch a scheme to hook up Kensuke and Asuka. TOUJI & HIKARI We'll help!!!! (Then, some STUFF happens, including a nifty FIGHT scene and lots of HUMOR involving Gendo's GLASSES.) KENSUKE Wow, that was cool. I wonder what else will happe- "Converging Series." by Various. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. RYO MUHOSHIN The hell? How'd I get HERE? RYO SAOTOME Because the authors needed someone to be my evil counterpart and go nuts trying to kill me and bend the timestream. RYO MUHOSHIN Oh yes, that's it. Well then, TIME TO DIE, NERD-BOY!!!!!! (A whole mess of REALLY COOL MULTIDIMENSIONAL scenes happen. RYO and RYO fight a bunch.) CHILDRA Hey, y'r cute for a fifteen-year old. Wanna break some headboards? ISHIDO Sure! But we have to angst a whole bunch immediatly before, during, and after. REIRAKU Hey, you two are lucky. I've been sexually traumatized more times than a taught preteen swedish boy. (REIRAKU eventually goes even more nuts, as does half the cast. RYO and RYO still not done fighting. RANMA and OTHERS make occasional appearences. Meanwhile, some weird CURSE removes the AUTHORS one-by-one until only three LAZY, SHIFTLESS BASTARDS are left doing any work at all on this.) MARIKO Hmph. Somehow, I get the feeling that I'm completely superfluos to the plot. KAERI Oh, my, TIME TO DIE!!!!!! THE END? "Bubblegum Pink." by Kris O. Overstreet. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. (expositionexpositionsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXsexsexexpositionsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexEXPOSITIONS EXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEXsexsexsexsexSEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! exposition.) (*whew*) THE END "Dire Fates." by Rod M. and David Tai. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. JOHN CONSTANTINE Bloody HELL. More of this mystic shite. Ah well, guess I'll just do what I always do an' try to become even MORE emotionally callous. SKULD Wow! You're so cool and misanthropic, John! WAI!!!!! (A bunch of IRRELEVANT cosmic stuff happens, since this is mainly a CHARACTER STUDY fic, and thus the plot doesn't matter. Eventually, JOHN and the NORNS beat the FIRST OF THE FALLEN and JOHN uses his MAD NEGOTIATING SKILLS to blackmail an ARCHANGEL into letting him off the hook. Again.) JOHN Wow. Nobody I cared about had to die this time. Amazing, that is. SKULD Wow! You're so cool and disturbed, John! WAI!!!!!! THE END "Mortal Fates." by Rod M and David Tai. BELLDANDY Verthandi, could you see your way into maybe merging back with me so I don't die? VERTHANDI No. BELLDANDY Please? VERTHANDI No. BELLDANDY Plllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee? VERTHANDI Oh, fine. THE END. "Untimely Fates." by Rod M. and David Tai. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. ROD M. You know, I'm TIRED of saving the world. I think I'll kill this project. DAVID TAI Won't anything else we come up with by lamer, though? ROD M. Oh, what's the worst we could possibly do? "Meddling Fates." by Rod M. and David Tai. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio TIM HUNTER Magic blows. I hate you all. (URD and CUPID have a whole lotta comical fight scenes. URD subdivides a lot. MARA shows up for no easily discernible reason.) MARA Hey, you're not a bad-looking Magus. Wanna come to Italy with me and look for Psyche? TIM HUNTER Might as well. I need to be in SOME scenes here. (MORE scenes with URD and CUPID and PSYCHE abound. Eventually, we end up in JAPAN. SKULD falls in love with TIM thanks to some inauspicious love potioning. Meanwhile, KEIICHI is rendered INCAPACITATED, and makes out with his SISTER.) TIM HUNTER Oh, so THAT'S why I'm here. To take Keiichi's place. Okay, I can deal with that. I'll just deal with Banpei and Skuld like he always does, grab this bigass gun-thing, and go kick some. (He does. Well, sorta. It's all very confusing, but there are SPEEDBOATS involved, and in the end we get some hot two-goddess ACTION with MARA and BELLDANDY before the fic ends in a manner SUSPICIOUSLY REMINSCENT of the comics. Oh, and there's some SEXUAL TENSION between MARA and URD as well.) THE END. "Sailor Hellblazer." by Rod M. and David Tai. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. JOHN CONSTANTINE ACK!!!! I'M A WOMAN!!!!!!!! WHAT THE BLOODY #%$& IS GOING ON!!!!!!!!!! CHAS You have kickass powers now, though. SAILOR VENUS She wears black and uses whips. She MUST be evil. Time for me to spring into action! SAILOR PLUTO Wait! I need to provide vital exposition first! (She does. Eventually, JOHN and JEMMA'S SHADE save the day. Everyone EVIL gets screwed over. At the end, GEMMA gets the MAGIC WAND and JOHN goes back to normal. Everyone is HAPPY, except for CHERYL, who is scared, and PLUTO, who isn't ALLOWED to be happy.) THE END. "UY: The Senior Year." by Fred Herriot. Ultra-Condensed by David Tai and John Biles. (ATARU becomes all NOBLE, and everyone else becomes EVIL. For the rest of the series, ATARU smites all the UNGODLY ALIENS. EVERYONE female is a LESBIAN, even the insects and bellybutton lint.) THE END. THE COLLECTED WORKS OF EYRIE PRODUCTIONS. Ultra-Condensed by Rod M. and Mercutio. EYRIE MEN Here we come, to save the dayyyyyyyyy!!!! ANIME CHICKS Oooh! Do me, do me!! ANIME VILLAINS We'll kill you! We'll kill ALL of you, using our incredible villain powers! PEOPLE Save us, save us!!!! EYRIE MEN Can't now, angsting. Angsting.... angsting.... angsting.... angsting...... still angsting.... listening to Pink Floyd...... angsting..... angsting..... ah, better now, I'll kick your ass. (They do) ANIME CHICKS Oooh, do me, do me!!! (They do.) THE END. "Complete Control." by Sean Gaffney. Ultra-Condensed by Mercutio. (Ranma SNAPS.) RANMA This sucks. I'm gonna go mind-control rape the entire supporting female cast. (He does.) THE END.