Monday, December 06, 2004 In this post, a sampling of the wit and wisdom of one Mr. Nick Locking. On Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's We3: WE3 is so shit-hot I have a world championship level erection just thinking about it. On John Byrne's tendency to overdo exposition, even on comic books that he himself has drawn: OH NO, MY FLATMATE HAS PUSHED ME TOWARDS A PIECE OF SHIT COMIC! I'M ACCIDENTALLY READING IT AND MAKING A TERRIFIED FACE, AND HAVE SHIT MY PANTS! On Mark Millar's WANTED: I dunno, WANTED is fairly fun even if RAPE Millar's RAPE usual RAPE themes RAPE do show up a bit. Sorry, did I say themes plural? On Batman's sexual orientation: Obviously Batman is the World's Greatest Gay, if he chooses to be. However, the only people capable of satisfying The Batman's Bat-Lust are Talia Al Ghul and Catwoman, because they are both DIRTY FUCKING BITCHES. Batman has never touched any Robin because that would be kiddie-fiddling and The Dark Knight is assuredly not a kiddie-fiddler, and also because he is practically the father of all three Robins so it would be incest too and The World's Greatest Detective does not shit where The World's Greatest Detective eats. No men Batman knows are sufficiently filthy lovers to satisfy his needs. On the behind-the-scenes process that resulted in the Amalgam character Dark Claw: I love the cavemen-banging-rocks-together creativity that went into Dark Claw. "How can... UG! Wolverine good! Batman good! UG! We... GRAAGHH!" "Make... BATMAN WOLVERINE!" "NO! Then we... have two Wolverine!" "Make WOLVERINE BATMAN!" "GRAAAGGH! YOU STUPID! THEN WE HAVE TWO BATMAN!" "uughhh..." "Graarggh..." "We..." "Make Batman... LITTLE like Wolverine!" "GRAAAAGGH!" On the plot for an imagined BATMAN/PROMETHEA crossover: Batman learns of a strange new superhero. He doesn't like her, because she's blatantly too powerful for his liking, so immediately he starts working on ways to take her down SHOULD IT BECOME NECESSARY. He talks to Felix Faust, a bunch of other dudes, and acquires an arsenal of magic items (which he dislikes, but accepts using). He tells Promethea that he can fuck her up hardcore in about ten seconds flat, which she takes exception to, and promptly leaves him tied in knots and hanging from a tree (in accordance with the laws of dramatic tension). Then, he learns of this apocalypse thing. Batman then says "I don't fucking THINK so", grabs Robin and Batgirl, and launches a full-on magical assault on Misty Magic Land, which is dissolved and trapped inside some sort of magical macguffin. Then, Promethea's power gone, he breaks her arms and sends her to Arkham. Then he retreats to the cornice of a building, and stares the entire city down for a couple of hours. JOB DONE. On his idea for a new Batman series: ULTIMATE BATMAN: JUST IMAGINE KNIGHTFALL IF IT DIDN'T TOTALLY FUCKING SUCK. On why JLA: ROCK OF AGES is a better comic than PEDRO AND ME: Number of times Batman saves the day in ROCK OF AGES: about four or five. Number of times Batman saves the day in PEDRO AND ME: NONE. Gay characters in ROCK OF AGES: GREEN FUCKING LANTERN and GREEN FUCKING ARROW II. Gay characters in PEDRO AND ME: Some guy off an MTV reality show. How they kill Darkseid in ROCK OF AGES: Green Arrow II fires The Atom through his forcefield, riding a photon fired by a flash arrow. How they kill Darkseid in PEDRO AND ME: THEY DON'T EVEN KILL HIM! On whether or not Batman has figured out a cure for cancer in the DCU: Batman's probably cured it already but has worked out that since criminals get more cancer than regular people it isn't sensible to release it onto the market. (Why is it whenever Locking starts to discuss Batman's greatness I feel as though I'm back in my Medieval Philosophy class being subjected to arguments about the perfect nature of God?) Much, much more side-splitting takes on comics (and other subjects as well) over at The V Forum.