PIE IN THE SKY
Issue #2
"All the Usenet that's fit to cross-post"
Welcome to issue 2 of Pie In The Sky. PITS set new standards for
innuendo and unsubstantiated rumors with her first issue, second only to
the rec.games.video hiearchy on usenet. Now we're back with another
hard-hitting rant, full of True Facts and Other Dangers. We're
expanding to include a new section, our Industry Insider report, brought
to you by the feebly enigmatic Q-tip. And, we're bringing you more
reviews than ever! Ah, such bliss. What more could anyone ask for?
Phil
Editor/Writer/Janitor
News
DIE HARD GAME FAN MAKES A SLIGHT BOO-BOO
The recent September issue of Die Hard Game Fan (DHGF) managed to lower
the quality of it's reviews even further, with a racist review of Ace
Combat for the PlayStation, dripping with profanity, and slightly less
coherent than their typical writing style. A press-release from DHGF
blames this article on sabatoge, claming that the issue was riddled with
such writing, which they managed to correct almost all of before being
published. When we asked our anonymous source at DHGF who he
suspected the sabatours were, he replied, "Why, the dirty Jap bastards,
of course." Another source at Game Fan offers conflicting information,
claiming the article was written to celibrate the 50th anniversary of
Hiroshima, but wasn't ready in time for the August issue.
Also, DHGF has recently announced that if the sabatours publicly
apologize for their actions, they'll be given a job as a copy editor with
the magazine.
SEGA ANNOUNCES 'NOMAD' PORTABLE SYSTEM
Sega has recently announced development of a portable video game system,
which will play existing Genesis games, to be known as the Nomad. Early
reports had stated that this system would be a bit larger than a Game
Gear, but our source at Sega has denied this, explaining that their
original idea ("just take a Game Gear, slap some Nomad stickers on it,
and force the Genesis carts into the slot") had some "minor problems"
during testing. The new Nomad designs are built around Genesis
overstock, as well as some sort of deal Sega seems to have worked out
with a gentleman from Taiwan known only as Crazy Eddie. Our source
explains:
"Well, we realized we had tons of Genesis overstock lying around, and we
didn't know what to do with it. Then, some of the boys over in purchasing
learned that Crazy Eddie had hundreds of thousands of 23" screen TVs lying
around that he had to get rid of on short notice. So, now we're going to
remove the plastic casing of the Genesis, duct-tape it to the TV, rig up
a power supply, and toss in a controller."
When the issue of portability was raised, Sega replied, "Well, it isn't
THAT heavy." The new Nomad system will run on either one car battery or
two dozen AA batteries, and will include a vareity of accessories, such
as a alternate power supply built around bicycle pedals, a back brace, an
AV cart ("We swiped a bunch from some of the local schools"), and a
health care plan. Each Nomad system will come free with a $25 gift
certificate for one of 2000 chiopractors nationwide.
RELEASE SCHEDULE FOR SONY PLAYSTATION SOFTWARE
Here is the latest schedule of release dates for PlayStation software,
accurate as of 8/25. (Thanks to all our friends on usenet who helped to
supply us with carefully researched information.)
- 9/9 Kileak the Plasma Transfusion (slight name change for US
audience)
- 9/9 Twin Goddesses
- 9/9 Mahjong Station
- 9/9 Raiden (Raiden 2 will be released seperatly at a later date)
- 9/9 Virtua Figher 2
- 9/9 Yars' Revenge
- 9/9 Twinbee Puzzle Game
- 9/9 A-Train (with mouse pack-in)
- 9/9 KO Senki Magical Beast Warriors
- 9/29 Ridge Racer
- 9/29 Virtua Fighter
- 9/29 ESPN Extreme Games
- 9/29 High Octane
- 9/29 Wipeout
- 10/9 Rayman
- 10/9 Willy The Worm
- 10/9 Cybersled
- 10/9 Lode Runner
- 10/9 Arc The Lad (demo disc only)
- 10/19 Street Fighter The Movie
- 10/19 Karate Champ The Movie
- 10/19 Mortal Kombat The Movie
- 10/30 ESPN Extreme Games
- 10/30 Commander Keen
- 10/30 Polygon Man - The Story They Dared Not Market
- 10/30 Wing Commander 2
- 10/30 Tokyo Babylon
- 10/30 Nim
- 10/30 Puyo Puyo
- 11/8 Magic: The Gathering
- 11/8 Leisure Suit Larry 8 - Larry and Sofia Buy Cheese Graters
- 11/8 Jumping Flash
- 11/8 Whatever Happened To Pong?
- 11/8 Demolition Derby
- 11/8 Mortal Kombat 2
- 11/17 Warhammer 40k
- 11/17 Chainmail
- 11/17 Clay-O-Rama
- 11/28 Ace Combat
- 11/28 CIA World Terrorist Index
- 12/5 Namco Classics Disc 1
- 12/5 Arc The Lad
- 12/5 Hunt The Wumpus
- 12/5 Ridge Racer 2 - Electric Bugaloo
- 12/5 Battle Arena Tohshinden
Note that these are preliminary dates only, and are subject to
change.
Interviews
SOFIA TAKES CONTROL OF SCEA
With Steve Race's recent resignation as head of Sony Computer
Entertainment of America (SCEA), corporate intrigue immediatly went into
high gear over the chance to seize the new leadership position. As a
suprise to everyone, Sofia, everyone's favorite dominatrix from
Tohshinden, as well as the new PlayStation mascot, was appointed
president of SCEA. We had the chance to have a chat with her recently,
while tied to a rack in the "Interview Room".
PITS - Er, do I really have to conduct the interview while having my
limbs stretched?
Sofia - SOFIA SAYS OBEY!
PITS - Okay, okay, on with the questions. First, how can you, a video
game character, be the head of a corporation?
Sofia - SOFIA HATES PERSONAL QUESTIONS!! (A brief pause as our
corespondant is flogged with a cat 'o nine tails)
PITS - Alright, we'll just skip that one. Also, do you think you could
stop refering to yourself in the third person?
Sofia - SOFIA CAN REFER...oh, I'm sorry. It's the advertising campaign,
you know? Those marketing people can really get to you.
PITS - Of course. On to the next question then: How did you manage to
become president of SCEA?
Sofia - Well, with SCEA shifting most of it's resources towards the
success of the PlayStation, they were looking for someone who was familer
with the system. Not only was I intimatly familer with the workings of
the PlayStation, I also have a rather keen interest in the machine's
success. Also, the whip helped.
PITS - No doubt. So, is everything ready for 9/9?
Sofia - We're finishing up some minor details; otherwise, the
PlayStation
is ready to take America by storm. Some things are a bit tricky - I've
had to personally punish several voice actresses so far for doing
injustice to my American voice - but at this point it's just finishing
details.
PITS - Sounds good. How about the competition? How do you plan on
dealing with the Saturn's early release, the existing 3DO market, and the
upcomming Ultra 64?
Sofia - Well, I'm seeing Tom later in the afternoon, Howard will be
comming in tommorow at noon, and Trip has his appointment next week. I
don't think Sony will face any serious competition among the next
generation consoles.
PITS - I see. Well, how about your other job as the PlayStation
mascot? How did that come about?
Sofia - The boys in marketing were getting feedback on Polygon Man, and
while Poly's a great guy, he just didn't have the...presence that I did.
Also, I scored higher in regard to the male teenage demographics, which
is what we're really trying to target anyway.
PITS - Won't it be a bit tricky to target male teenagers with a $300
machine?
Sofia - SOFIA SAYS SHELL OUT THE CASH *NOW* OR FEEL THE BITE OF MY
WHIP!
PITS - Sure...ok...I can do that...
Industry Insider
(NOTE: This guy, known only to us as "Q-tip" has spent the past few
weeks
hanging around our offices and begging for a job. He claims to have all
sorts of connections with the gaming industry (mostly via his drug
dealing) and whined until we relented and let him have a column of
his own.)
Time for your latest batch of gossip from the almighty Q-TIP! That's
right boys and girls, I've got those deep ear canal connnections to pick
up all the latest whispers of industry secrets that float around those
important ears that the Tipster loves to frequent. So, let's get
started! --- While spending the weekend getting plastered at a great
party thrown by a certain someone who is in charge of a certain
corporation known after a certain letter of the alphabet, I came away
with a slew of rumors and six kinds of venereal disease. --- First,
Nintendo has made a deal with the Church of Scientology, where members of
the church will be "encouraged" to each buy an Ultra 64 when it is eventually
released, one for each television in the household. Additional rumors
suggest that Scientologists will be further encouraged to buy as many
Ultra 64s as they can afford, sell them back, and the repeat the
process, thus inflating sales figures. Also, there is an e-meter in the
works for the Ultra 64 from an unknown (but Church endorsed) game company.
Subliminal messages? You make the call. --- Due to the less than
enthusiastic response to Mortal Kombat 3, a revised version is due to hit
arcades before December. Working on the assumption that the game needs a
bit more violence to be at all interesting, Midway is nicknaming the
revision "Bucket's 'O Blood". Critics of the revision think that Midway is
just being cheap and using crimson monochrome monitors, but the programers
claim that at least two more colors can be seen on the screen at any one
time. Also, preliminary designs are being made for MK4, which will
feature 8 new characters, all female, and full nudity. --- Finally,
rumors from the Sega camp have confirmed that a new Sonic game is in the
works for the Saturn. Sonic Saturn is part of a test program to include
trade skills in video games, and features several levels that emphasize
manual labor, as well as Sonic's unique physicall attributes, such as
Sonic In The Car Wash, Sonic In The Sawmill, and, lastly, Sonic Scrubs
The Floor of Your Local McDonald's. --- That's it for this issue. Look for
more rumors when I help supply the party favors for the PlayStation release
party SECA is throwing...
Q-TIP
Reviews
The Review Crew is back, with TWICE the reviews of the first issue of
PITS! Unfortunatly, the Postmeister had some business to take care of,
and couldn't offer his expert opinion for every review. So, in a few
cases we had to find some scab reviewers to fill in; Tucker (an adorable
3 year old boy), Mumia Abu-Jamal (radical reporter, currently on trial
for murder in Philadelphia), and Harry (the guy from maintenance sent to
fix our air conditioning unit) Rest assured, however, that Georgia
wouldn't forgive us if we dared let her miss a single review.
Shin Shinobi Den (Saturn)
Postmeister - FINALLY! Sega finally gave us another Shinobi game! I
love Shinobi! Shinobi used to be SO cool! Why, I remember going to my
local arcace when Shinobi was first released, and being BLOWN AWAY! Why,
everyone in the arcade stopped what they were playing and immediatly
begin fighting over the chance to play Shinboi! The game was that cool!
And it still is! I play Shinobi in my local arcade every day! Even
though they put it in the back corner! And on my Sega Master System! I
love Shinobi!
Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity =
10
Georgia - Georgia loved the FMV sequences in the game. She started
barking up a storm when the bad guys took the woman away and didn't quit
until 10 minutes after we had started playing. She had a tendency to
doze off between levels, waking up only to bark at the FMV. We couldn't
really tell who she liked better, Sho (you) or Kazuma (the bad guy), but
it didn't seem to matter much to Georgia either way.
Graphics = 7, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 4, Longevity =
4
Bust-A-Move (SNES)
Tucker - Tucker was facinated by this game for approximatly 30 seconds.
He kept trying to explain something about the color of the spheres to us,
which no one in the room could understand. We gave him the controller,
and he pressed a lot of buttons, but couldn't really seem to do much with
the game. Then he fell off his chair, cried for a moment, and went off
to pull Georgia's tail. (Don't worry - she's used to this sort of
thing.)
Graphics = 9, Sound = 5, Gameplay = 4, Longevity =
1
Georgia - Strangely enough, Georgia didn't do anything whatsoever
when we
played this game. She just sat there and stared intently at the screen,
her eyes following the movement of the cannon. She'd sort of growl along
with the theme music, giving out little yelps along with the dinosaurs.
Whenever one of us lost in two-player competition mode, she'd let out a
long mournful howl. We all love Bust-A-Move, but now we're kinda afraid
to play it around Georgia...
Graphics = 7, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 8, Longevity =
10
Red Alert (Virtual Boy)
Postmeister - I LOVE THE VIRTUAL BOY! You won't belive the amount of
sheer power this machine uses! I got really drunk one night, then tried
playing this fantastic new game! I LOVED IT! The 3-D graphics were so
amazing! The sound was incredible! And all the colors! Unfortunatly, I
had to quit after 15 minutes and go puke. The Virtual Boy is the best
ever system! Everyone in the world will want this! And Red Alert is the
best game for it yet!
Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity =
10
Georgia - The Virtual Boy wasn't really made for canine faces, so we put
the eyepiece over her head upside down, and played the game blind while
she watched. Georgia kept trying to get away, and would have to spend a
few minutes blinking and shaking her head before she'd let us put the
VB over her eyes again. She would occasionally let out a little yelp, so
we don't think she was very pleased with the game. She didn't eat her
dinner that night either.
Graphics = 6, Sound = 3, Gameplay = 2, Longevity =
4
Arc The Lad (Sony)
Harry - I really don't know why I was asked to review this game. I
couldn't understand a damn word of it. I've got to get back to work...
Graphics = X, Sound = X, Gameplay = X, Longevity =
X
Georgia - Georgia likes RPGs, especially the cute Japanese ones. We
spent hours trying to play this, and Georgia would sit there the entire
time, staring at the screen and paying attention. None of us understand
Japanese, so we'd spend a lot of time trying to figure out the commands.
Suprisingly, Georgia would help quite often, going up to the screen and
pressing her nose against the command we needed. Unfortunatly, it was a
bit short, but Georgia is pretty good at role playing games, so the
novice may find this to be more than challenging enough.
Graphics = 9, Sound = 9, Gameplay = 8, Longevity =
7
Zhadnost - The People's Party (3DO)
Mumia - When you are trying to resist the attempts by the state of
Pennsylvania to kill me with their corrupt court system, you don't have
much time for video games. However, with the strong Marxist background
of this game, I thought this would be a pleasant diversion while waiting
for my revolutionary brothers and sisters around the world to bring about
my freedom. I was, unfortunatly, shocking disapointed at the attitude
this so-called "game" had towards the former Soviet system. Also, I
didn't know the answers to any of the trivia questions. DOWN WITH THE
RACIST US DEATH PENALTY!
Graphics = 7, Sound = 6, Gameplay = 2, Longevity =
0
Georgia - This game struck a nerve in Georgia. We think that the Soviet
influence reminded her of the sacrifices her fellow canines made durring
the early days of space exploration, the first of whom were Soviets. She
didn't pay much attention to any of the questions, and just whimpered a
bit. Then she went and buried the packaging in the back yard.
Graphics = 4, Sound = 5, Gameplay = 3, Longevity =
4
Sega Rally (Arcade)
Postmeister - I kinda thought this game sucked. I mean, the controls
were just horrible! I'd much rather play Daytona or Ridge Racer or Super
Sprint. Catching air and stuff was pretty neat, but I just didn't like
the way the game played. It was like the programmers forgot to give it
decent controls! I just don't understand - it looked really cool and the
sound was bitchin' and everything, but this just isn't a very good
Formula One racing game.
Graphics = 10, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 10, Longevity =
10
Georgia - It was really hard to sneak Georgia into the local arcade, but
a friend of ours works there, and she let us in for a few minutes while
the manager was on his lunch break. Georgia didn't want to sit still,
and wandered all over the arcade, at one point interrupting a game of air
hockey by stealing the puck and hiding it behind the token machine.
Finally, we got her to sit down for a few minutes and watch the game.
She loved it. Georgia started jumping up and down and barking whenever
we started sliding around on a curve. For a while, she'd just run
between seats, occasionally grabing the steering wheel in her mouth and
whipping the car around. Durring the middle of the second game, the
manager came back and kicked us all out, without even letting us finish
getting our dollar's worth. When we got home, Georgia went out and
rolled around in the mud before getting into the linen closet.
Graphics = 9, Sound = 8, Gameplay = 10, Longevity =
6
Contest Winner!
In our premier issue, we offered a coupon for a free Virtual Boy game
system from Toy's 'R Us for whoever sent in the best acronym for the term
"vegabros". And the winner is...Matt "segaboy" Keller! His entry was:
Violent Entrylevel Gaming Assholes Buy Redscreened
Organizedcrime Systems
Way to go Matt! You'r coupon is in the e-mail. And thanks to everyone
else who sent in a contest entry.
We'll be announcing more contests in future issues of Pie In The
Sky, so be on the lookout for more chances to win!
Well, that's it for this issue of PITS! Be sure to let us know what you
think. (