PIE IN THE SKY - Issue #4 "All the news that's fit to crosspost" Welcome to issue four of Pie In The Sky. This issue is going to be yet another addition to the Nintendo 64 hype machine. We'd hoped to avoid the hoopla, but there just wasn't much else to talk about, and we got a fantastic kickback to encourage us. In addition to the extensive Nintendo feature in this issue, we're also working with DARPA to bring you n64.mil. This special website will provide daily, up-to-the-minute information about the Nintendo 64, updated every day at 1800 hours. We'll be plugging the site throughout the issue. However, we haven't been completely overrun by Nintendo - this issue also featurs the Top 25 Games Of All Time, an exclusive interview with some 3DO Company insiders, Q-Tip's industry news, and, of course, reviews. Phil Editor/Writer/Janitor ------ |News| ------ ---------------- NINTENDO A GO-GO ---------------- This issue of PITS features a special, in-depth look at several news stories surrounding the Nintendo 64. Here goes... Mario 64 is now officially the "Greatest"(tm) --------------------------------------------- Nintendo announced recently that the next batch of Mario 64 carts for both the Japanese and American audience will incorporate the new title of "Mario 64 - The Greatest Videogame Of All Time"(tm). Nintendo has also licensed the phrase "Greatest Videogame Of All Time" as an official trademark of Nintendo. One Nintendo representative explained: "We decided that there just wasn't quite enough hype surrounding Mario 64. The magazines were raving about the game, people everyone were ranting incoherrently, and the gaming public knows that Mario is the Greatest(tm). So, we decided to go ahead and make it official, and make the excitement surrounding the release of the Greatest Videogame Of All Time(tm) even more spastic." As Nintendo gets a dime each time someone refers to Mario as The Greatest Videogame of All Time(tm), the media is trying to find alternative words, such as "Best", "Keenest", "Gonzo", and "Bitchin'". In response, Nintendo is trademarking every adjetive it can get their hands on. Rumors are now circulating that Pilotwings 64 will be changed to "Pilotwings 64 - Double Plus Good"(tm). (More informative than listening to the Radio Free Cuba - n64.mil) Nintendo Releases the Fourth Game --------------------------------- Excitement spread across Japan as Nintendo released the long awaited Fourth Game for the Nintendo 64. The Fourth Game is also known as Waveracer, and is a racing game. Rumors had been flying for months that there was, in fact, going to be a Fourth Game for the N64, which Nintendo denied up until mere days before the release of the actual game. One Nintendo spokesman was quoted a few weeks ago denying the existance of Waveracer: "Three games are good enough, especially since gamers don't really need anything more than Mario 64, The Greatest Videogame Of All Time(tm)." However, Nintendo decided that since "it was almost finished anyway", they would add the Fourth Game to the Nintendo 64's supposedly static library of titles. Japanese gamers were thrilled to have a new release. As one gamer explained: "Having only three N64 games on my shelf seemed a bit bare. The Fourth Game adds to this space very nicely, and increases the overall aesthetic pleasure of my N64 display case. Many stores are also excited at the opportunity to have another game to place on their shelves and in their windows, especially one with such nice packaging." Other gamers are uncertain: "In Japan, four is an unlucky number. I don't think Nintendo should have released this game. If they really want the public to play Waveracer, they should recall Pilotwings." Even now, gamers are wondering if a fifth game will be released for the Nintendo 64. Nintendo has yet to comment on the issue. (More news than ever, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act - n64.mil) Nintendo 64 Brings Salvation To America --------------------------------------- The Nintendo 64 has finally been released in America. Nintendo had planned to release the system on Sunday, the 27th of Saturday, but stores across the nation broke the street date on Thursday, due to the threat of mob violence from rampaging hordes of Nintendo converts. PITS was flooded with e-mail regarding the launch date: "My local store wouldn't release the system until Sunday, so we killed the manager, looted the place, and torched it afterwards."; "Dudes, I want to be a reviewer for your rag. So, like, can I have free N64 games?"; "Does drool in the cartridge slot damage the N64?" We're pretty excited about the launch, too. Hell, we'd better be for what we're being paid. However, not everyone is as enthusiastic about the Nintendo 64. The Cult Awareness Foundation is concerned that the N64 represents a "dark plague on our society" and is "brainwashing victims, forming mobs of slavish devil worshipers...or plumber worshippers as the case may be." On the other hand, many of the Mario faithful have been ascribing vast healing qualities to the new system and it's software. Here's some of their testimony: "Mario 64 cured my herpes!" - "Fred", Washington "I used to be afraid of flying until I played Pilotwings 64. Now, I'm just afraid to go out of the house." - "Brian", New Mexico "It's amazing! Since I spend all my time playing Mario 64, and don't have time for things like work or eating, I've lost 10 pounds already! I'm not going to rest until I've got all 255 stars, and drop at least another 80." - "Beth", Florida "Thanks to Lord Jesus and Mario, my sister was miraculously transformed into my cousin! With Nintendo's help, we now live in wedded bliss." - "Abner", W. Virginia "Due to Nintendo's innovative new controller, my business has shot up over 200 percent! And Mom said being a proctologist would never pay off." - "Dr. Eddie", North Carolina "The Nintendo 64 is even better than Scientology." - "David", California Wow. It just kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it? Nintendo has denied that the Nintendo 64 is responsible for the creation of slavish cults, emphasizing the machine's role as a "game machine for the whole family". Or, as was stated in a Nintendo press conference, "The Nintendo 64 is a family oriented product, and being a cultist just isn't good family values." Meanwhile, roving bands of "Mario enthusiasts" have taken to roaming the countryside to "spread the light and joy of the promise of the two hundred and fifty-five true rings of light and harmony". We'll be sure to keep you updated. (From the people who thought SDI was a good idea - n64.mil) ---------------- |SPECIAL REPORT| ---------------- The 25 Greatest Games of All Time - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly ------------------------------------------------------------------- or The 25 Leading Cause of Seizures - For a Few Quarters More ---------------------------------------------------------- or If You Don't Like Our List, Piss Off - The Man With No Taste ------------------------------------------------------------ The top 25 games of all time? Ranked? To be honest, it's a pretty stupid idea. Then again, Pie In The Sky isn't above a stupid idea every now and then. Who can decide what the top 25 games of all time are? We can. And we're right. Some of you out there may disagree, but your opinion probably doesn't matter quite as much as ours - after all, we're videogaming experts here. Still, creating this list wasn't easy. Hell, it took almost a half-hour and three cans of Iron City to figure out just which games to include. The actual rankings were determined by games of Rock - Scissors - Paper among the staff, with the assistance of a few more cans of Iron City. Truly a rigerous endeavor. Truly a brave editorial act. Truly an arbitrary list, but here it is anyway. We planned on including all sorts of information about the games, like the year it was released, the publisher, and other stuff, but that turned out to be a lot of work. So, we'll just give you the title, the platform, a description of the game and why it's included, and a favorite memory or quote related to the game. In the case of a series, we'll rank the series as a whole instead of doing an individual game at a time, unless we happen to feel like making an exception. So, without further ado: #25 - Shogi - Nintendo 64 What's So Cool: Actually, Shogi isn't that great of a game, but we wanted to make sure we included something from the Nintendo 64, as part of our "friendly agreement" with Nintendo. So, here it is. It's Japanese chess. It was the third game released for the Nintendo 64. What else do you want to know? Fave Memory: The board spins around! It's the damndest thing we've ever seen. #24 - Solitaire - Microsoft Windows What's So Cool: Solitaire is a lot more fun when you don't have to actually shuffle the cards, or lay out the arrangement. Besides, this is one of the few games you can expect to find at work. There are few better ways to mindlessly waste hours of your time, and no better way to mindlessly waste company time. Fave Memory: "No Boss, I don't know why those cards are bouncing around the screen. I've never seen it do that either. I don't know much about computers." #23 - Kingdom of Kroz - IBM-PC What's So Cool: One of the keenest shareware games ever released, the graphics in this game were simple yet expressive, and represent one of the finest uses of ascii BUAGs we've seen in a long time. Later expansions, and spin-offs like ZZT are good too, but just don't stand up to the original. Fave Memory: Actually paying the shareware registration fee. #22 - Football - Atari 2600 What's So Cool: There have been a lot of football games made over the years, but few can compete with the minimalist aesthetic of Football, not to be confused with Real Sports(tm) Football. Football manages to distill the sport down to it's simplist elements, giving the game an almost zen like quality. Fave Memory: If you keep pressing the button, you'll win the game. #21 - Night Driver - Atari 2600 What's So Cool: All first person driving games basically descend from this, so why go any further? The basic gameplay hasn't changed at all, and we think Night Driver does it best. All this, and it even uses the paddles. Fave Memory: Sitting in a dark room, staring at the black screen for hours on end. #20 - Baby Pac-Man - Arcade What's So Cool: Videogames are fun. Pinball is fun. Thus, mixing videogames and pinball is twice as fun. Not only is the pinball part well done, but the Pac-Man portion of the game is the best of the entire series. Honest. Fave Memory: "Damn it, I want to go back to playing the pinball part." #19 - Gorf - Arcade What's So Cool: We spent a lot of time trying to decide which of the classic space-based shoot 'em ups belonged in our top 25. Since Gorf steals shamelessly from most of these games, we put it in. And it even talks to you! Fave Memory: Yelling back at the damn thing. "Oh yeah? Well fuck you too, Gorf!" #18 - Goonies 2 - NES What's So Cool: The epitome of the platform game, Mario 64, The Greatest Videogame of All Time(tm) has nothing on running around the old house and beating up baddies with your yo-yo. This is also the best movie license of any game we can think of. Instant classic. Fave Memory: The boomerang. Too cool. #17 - Blazing Lasers - TG-16 What's So Cool: The only shooting game you'll ever need. The power-ups are great, the levels are neat, and the graphics are pretty damn good. This is one of the best reasons to still own a Turbo. Fave Memory: Getting the homing lasers at max power - you can just hold down the button, no aiming, no dodging. Yes, we think that's a good thing. #16 - Bureacracy - Various What's So Cool: Forget the other Infocom games - Douglas Addam's masterpiece of "interactive fiction" is one of the truly good text games. It also had some of the best packaging, with more cool stuff in a box than any other game - the form in triplicate and little red pencil should be included in all video games. Bureacracy was also frighteningly realistic for a text-only game... Fave Memory: Llama chow. #15 - Pitfall - Atari 5200 What's So Cool: Pitfall was one of the original "killer aps" for any system. It's easy to play this game for hours when you're good, and hard as hell to beat the timer. The Atari 5200 version of Pitfall 2 was especially good due to the huge extra level added to the game, which made up for the god-awful music. Fave Memory: Doing Tarzan impersonations while swinging over pits. #14 - Toejam and Earl - Genesis What's So Cool: This game is wonderful at parties. The two-player mode lets you compete with a friend, and if you get bored it's easy for someone else to pick up where you left off. It's funny, it's fun, and the music kicks ass. Okay, so it's not much in the acutal game department. Fave Memory: Seeing drunk people playing Toejam and Earl. Oh boy. #13 - Karate Champ - Arcade What's So Cool: Karate Champ is the quinessential fighting game. It frees players from having to agonize over which character to play. It's bold graphics transcend realism, beauty, or dimensionality. It's great to see the judge throw a flag your way. And we bet you thought Street Fighter 2 was cool. Fave Memory: "You like Street Fighter 2? Well, there's a much better fighting game over here..." #12 - Cliffhanger - Arcade What's So Cool: The ultimate laserdisc game. Not only does the game use funky technology, but it's built around one of the Lupin III movies, Castle of Caligliostro, which automatically makes it superior to Dragon's Lair or Space Ace. You want twitch gaming? It doesn't get better than this. Fave Memory: Watching a Lupin III movie and realizing where the game came from. #11 - Billy the Wonder Slug - Any BASIC system What's So Cool: The greatest series of text adventure games ever created. Okay, so they were linear. Okay, so the parser used about 10 words over the course of the entire series. Okay, so a friend of mine wrote them. It's still pure genius, and if you didn't see the game, that isn't our fault. Fave Memory: "Watch our for the cliff, Billy! Noooooooooooooo!" #10 - Breakdancing - Commodore 64 What's So Cool: Thought by many to be mearly a lame game based on an old fad, Breakdancing is a work of art. You get to choose either a poorly dressed white guy or a poorly dressed black guy, then play a game of Simon against the computer, where you must match breakin' moves. And, while the music is excellent, you don't actually need to have rhythem to play. We're still waiting for the sequel, "Electric Bugaloo"... Fave Memory: The game usually inspired one to actually breakdance. #9 - Hunt the Wumpus - A bunch What's So Cool: Simplistic, yet elegent, sparse, yet compelling, really old, yet incredibly cool. There's just something about wandering around a maze shaped like a squashed dodecahedron, armed with Crooked Arrows and firing shots around corners at the mysterious Wumpus that really gets the adreniline going. Not to mention that the game was distributed on paper tape, and had the code listed in Creative Computing. Fave Memory: "ZAP! Superbat snatch -- elsewheresville for you!" #8 - "Star Trek" - Even more than Hunt the Wumpus What's So Cool: The greatest game series ever created. You pilot the Enterprise around the galaxy, warping from quadrent to quadrent and blowing away various badies with either phaser or photon torpedo. Oh, and it's all done using ascii only. For decades, the game you played if you had access to a college mainframe. Hell, you didn't even need an actual screen to play, just a good line printer. Fave Memory: Getting kicked out of computing centers at 4am for playing. #7 - Pong - Arcade What's So Cool: Aside from the historical signifigance of being the first arcade game, Pong is two-player gaming at it's finest. The minimal use of graphics are more than made up for the addictive nature of the game, the basic version of which has been redone constantly since Pong was first released. It's also one of the only arcade games you can play with a beer in one hand - definatly a feature if we ever saw one. Fave Memory: Seeing an arcade game for the first time. #6 - Strip Poker II - IBM-PC What's So Cool: It's strip poker, what do you think? All games should feature nekkid people as a replay incentive. Woo hoo! Fave Memory: Screen burn-in. #5 - Time Traveler - Arcade What's So Cool: It was basically another laserdisc type twitch game, but it featured a holographic display system! Cliffhanger is a better example of this type of game, as Time Traveler really sucked and was really expensive to boot - but, the holographic display was great! Really! Fave Memory: Looking around the arcade and wondering if you could get away with breaking the display bubble. #4 - Death Race - Arcade What's So Cool: This is basically like Atari's old Sprint game, with the exact same huge steering wheels and the same control, but instead of having a track, there's just a wide open space, with lots of people running around. You get points for running pedestrians down, which turns them into little tombstones. Horrible graphics, mediocre gameplay, but incredibly fun. Kill! Kill! Fave Memory: Going to drivers education after playing a few games of Death Race. #3 - Wasteland - Various What's So Cool: The absolute best RPG ever made. Get that cutesy Japanese shit out of here - Final Fantasy VII can't compete with wandering around post-nuke Vegas armed with laser weapons and blowing away giant cyborgs, capitalist monks, and the walking dead. Detailed, involving, Wasteland proves that you don't need state of the art graphics to have a great RPG. So there, Square. Fave Memory: Breaking into the Citadel before going to Vegas. #2 - Warlords - Atari 2600 What's So Cool: The One True four player game. Sure, Bomberman is kinda fun, but Warlords is much, much better. Easy to learn, fun at parties, fashionably retro, Warlords is more than trying to break down walls with a ball to destroy the other players' crowns. It's an experience, and you even get to use the paddles. Fave Memory: Zen Warlords. "One who has mastered the true spirit of Warlords, does not need a wall to kick your sorry ass." #1 - Tokimeki Memorial - PSX/Saturn What's So Cool: Sim gaming hell. In this glorious bit of Japanese dementia, you play a high-school student trying to date cute anime-style girls. No, really, it's a lot of fun, even if they don't take their clothes off. A game that must be played to be exprieneced, it is brutally addictive, even if you can't read a damn word of it. TokiMemo will destroy us all, but it's still a lot of fun. Fave Memory: Trying to explain to someone else why a Japanese dating game you don't really understand is so great. (We were even able to bring this one in under budget - n64.mil) ------------ |Interviews| ------------ THE M2 IS BETTER THAN EVERYTHING ELSE. NO, REALLY. TRIP SAID SO. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Noticing that most people had forgotten about the M2, and even more didn't care in the first place, Trip has been spreading the evangellical word about the power of his new system, forecasting the death of 32 bit, and praising Matsushita for being such a smart, foreward thinking company for buying his stuff. Well, we wanted to talk to Trip about this, but he wouldn't talk to us. In his place, however, we managed to talk to "Track" and "Field", our inside source from issue 1 of PITS. PITS - Okay, so what happened to the idea of using Starpath Superchargers instead of actually making a game system? Track - Well, we just couldn't find enough Superchargers, to be honest. I had one of my own, and a friend of ours had a dusty one up in the attic, but that was all we could dig up. Field - Also, since few people actually had a 3DO in the first place, the idea of an add-on to upgrade the system seemed silly. So, we sold off the Superchargers we had as "M2 Prototypes" and used the money we made off that to develop the new M2 for Matsushita. PITS - Sounds exciting. So, how is Trip going to manage to make any money off the M2 if he's relying on Matsushita to do everything? Field - Well, the old 3DO worked on what Trip called the "Field of Dreams" model, theorizing that "If you build it they will come". (For this exciting quote, and many more, look at Trip's interview in issue 22 of Next Generation - editor) Unfortunatly, this didn't work. Track - So, Trip has a new model. Field - We call it "Deep Throat" , which is built around the...er...hard sale. And...um...sucking up to Matsushita. PITS - I get the idea. Is it working? Track - Dunno. At least "Deep Throat" is a better movie than "Field of Dreams". PITS - Agreed. Okay, so why is 32 bit dead in the water? Track - Like Trip says, 32 bit just isn't new and shiny enough to attract customers, who are going to see a 32 bit system and a 64 bit system, and say, "Oh, the 64 bit system is twice as powerful as the 32 bit system - I'd better get it instead." Field - Or, as we like to say around the office, "Do the math". PITS - What about software? Field - What about it? We're going to make sure the M2 has the latest in technological advancements in the hardware, so the software is sure to follow. We'll be the first with DVD. Track - And "fuzzy logic"... Field - Oh, and don't forget about VR. Track - Anti-lock breaking... Field - Passenger side airbag... PITS - Wow, the works, huh? Track - You bet. The M2 is going to be fantastic. PITS - Because Trip said so, eh? Field - Yep. Trip's a part of every one of us. We trust him implicitly in all things. Track - Namely because every employee of the 3DO Company is a part of the 3DO hive mind. Field - Trip is the supreme ego of the hive mind, which is why we call him... PITS - Ego Trip. God, that was a horrible pun. Field - Yeah, we thought you'd like it. (News you can trust from your friends at the Pentagon - n64.mil) ------------------ |Industry Insider| ------------------ (Yet again, the mysterious Q-Tip returns to give us more unsubstantiated gossip. Remember kids - never feed strays, they'll just follow you home and be a pain in the ass.) He's back! He's bad! He's the Q-Tip, and he is me, here to give you the latest gossip, the secret rumblings of the gaming world's indigestion, and a few handy tips for good personal hygene. Here goes... --- We keep hearing rumors that Sony is currently working on the PlayStation II, possibly to be released in the next couple of years. What fantastic news! Personally, I never suspected. It's obvious that Sony plans on abandoning their current PlayStation customer base. I called up an inside source at SECA to see if I could confirm this tragic bit of information. He said, "Yeah, so?" and hung up on me. Truly a dark day, boys and girls. Gosh, what if Sega and Nintendo had plans for their new systems waiting in the wings? I'd better sit down for a minute. --- Due to an agreement with Marvel, Capcom isn't going to stop at X-men v/s Street Fighter. Look for Alpha Flight v/s Darkstalkers, Howard the Duck v/s Resident Evil, and Peter Porker, Spiderham v/s Ken, Ken, Ken, Ryu, and Ken, all to be relased over the course of the next year. --- I was asked to mention here that I don't know anything at all about any connection between Nintendo and the Mob. I swear it. I'll never even hint at it again. --- Rumors comming out of Sega about Virtua Cop 3 suggest that Sega is aiming for the highest level of realism possible, with the inclusion of real guns, live ammo, and human targets. Tentatively titled "Virtua Cop 3 - Special Charlie Edition", this deluxe version of the game will only be available at special Sega arcades, as long as they have room to install the theatre. In reaction to protest at the use of live targets from various human rights organizations, Sega has promised that only mimes will be used in the final version of the game. Sega is also hinting at a variation of the game to be used by correctional facilities, "Virtua Cop 3 - Dead Man Walking". --- That's it for this issue; me and the boys at the local militia are going to go gear up for VC3. Until next time, keep those ears clean, or else. --- Q-TIP (Learn how you can recieve millions in government grants to play videogames for your country - n64.mil) --------- |Reviews| --------- For a change, this issue is going to feature less reviews than before, as we recieved certain compensations for making sure that a particular game got extra attention. Georgia, our 4 year old collie, is with is as always, along with the Postmeister, and special guest reviewers "MindbreaK" (the PC advocate with too much money) and Russian President Boris Yeltsen. Mario 64, The Greatest Videogame Ever Made(tm) - Nintendo 64 ------------------------------------------------------------ Postmeister - Oh, God, I can't belive it! Go anywhere! Do anything! CHANGE THE SYSTEM! I just couldn't wait for the American release, so I shelled out $700 for an import N64 with Mario, and it was worth every penny! The number 10 just isn't adequate enough to describe the pure, sticky, intensity of The Greatest Videogame Ever Made(tm). Graphics = 11, Sound = 11, Gameplay = 11, Longevity = 11 Georgia - Georgia liked watching us play Mario, especialy the bit at the begining where you could grab his nose and stretch it, which led to a bit of a scuffle when she tried the same trick with the neighbor's kid. However, after a while, she got bored of watching us playing the game constantly, so she took the cart out in the backyard and buried it. We still haven't found it. Graphics = 7, Sound = 7, Gameplay = 9, Longevity = 6 Decathlete - Saturn ------------------- MindbreaK - Look, I don't plan on buying some wimpy console system just to play one game. I've got a top of the line Pentium, dripping with memory, bristling with graphics cards...the damn thing cost me a fortune, and I refuse to buy some cheap home machine just to play a game. Graphics = X, Sound = X, Gameplay = X, Longevity = X Georgia - Georgia loved watching us play Decathlete, and wasn't bad at button pounding herself. Unfortunatly, when we took her outside to play, later, she ran us ragged. We hadn't had this much trouble since she saw us playing an old Track and Field machine a few years ago. Graphics = 7, Sound = 6, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 4 Tokimeki Memorial (Forever With You) - PlayStation -------------------------------------------------- Yeltsen - I love this game. Even if I can't understand Japanese, playing TokiMemo makes me feel like I'm falling in love again. Everything in the media about my being sick and needing heart surgery is just an excuse; how do you think it would look if the Russian President was obsessed with Japanese schoolgirls? If you'll excuse me, I've got to go get Shiori to confess her love to me. Graphics = 8, Sound = 9, Gameplay = 10, Longevity = 8 Georgia - Georgia watched us play TokiMemo all day long, and had a great time. She helped us a little with the Japanese, barked whenever one of the girls talked, and ran around in little circles, jumping with joy whenever we had a good date. Unfortunatly, the next day she got out of the house and went down to the local high school, chasing girls around. Fortunatly we found her before the school called the pound. Georgia has also taken to chewing up the phone. Graphics = 9, Sound = 10, Gameplay = 8, Longevity = 8 *** Whew! This has been our largest issue ever! Let us know what you think by mailing Pie In The Sky at phil@email.unc.edu, and be sure to check out the Pie In The Sky archive at http://sunsite.unc.edu/phil/pits/ - until next time! *** (Did we mention n64.mil?)