My momma left home when I was three And she didn't leave much to pa and me Just this old typewritter and some 'zines for Hill Street Blues Now, I don't blame her need to GAFIAte But one thing she did that I sure do hate Is before she left, she named me Mary Sue Well, she must o' thought it was quite a gag And it got a lot of laughs in each fannish rag I was haunted by that horrid nom de'plume Some guy would snicker 'bout Kirk and Spock And some girl would laugh and I'd clean her clock I tell ya, life ain't easy for a Mary Sue. Well, I grew up quick and I grew up pissed And though my pen was as mighty as my fist A pseudonym couldn't hide my bitter shame But I made a vow to the sci-fi stars That I'd search the cons and the hotel bars And kill that woman who gave me that awful name Well, it was Atlanta 'round about Labor Day And I was just about ready to hit the hay I thought I'd go downtown and get myself a room At a Hyatt, over on the mezzanine There at a table, selling 'zines Sat the mangy dog that named me Mary Sue Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet Mum From the worn-out tattoo on my daddy's tum And I knew that scar on her cheek and her chubby thighs Her glasses were new and her coffee was old And I looked at her and my blood ran cold And I said: "I'm Mary Sue! How do you do! Now you're gonna die!" Well, I dived 'cross the table and went for her throat But before I could take a moment to gloat She grabbed my hair and bit off a piece of my ear So I tackled her and knocked her off of her feet And we crashed down the stairs and into the con suite Spitting and a' howling in the chips and cheap free beer I tell ya, I've fought lots of chicks But this time I was really in a fix She had claws like a cat and was mad as a pack of fen I heard her laugh, then she hit the floor She picked up an axe and I drew my sword She stood there lookin' at me and I saw her grin And she said: "Love, this world is rough And learning how to write, it sure is tough And I knew I wouldn't be there if you got stuck So I give ya that name and I hit the trail I knew you'd have to learn to write pretty well And it's the name that made damn sure you didn't suck She said: "Now we just had one hell of a brawl And it would probably stand up in a court of law If you took that prop and tried to run me through But ya ought to thank me, before I goes For your author's voice and the steel in your prose 'Cause I'm the bitch that named you Mary Sue" I got all choked up and I dropped by blade And I called her my mom and she called me her maid And I came away with a different point of view And I think about how she gave me hell With every book I write and every story I sell And if I ever write fanfic, I think I'll write a bit of... Slash, or AU, anything but Mary Sue! I still hate that name!