Evangelion - The Musical Version 1.0 04/11/05 (Projected briefly onto the screen: "This Musical Contains Spoilers") (Shinji walks out on stage, which is decorated with the Tokyo-3 backdrop and cardboard skyscrapers. Cue "Downtown".) (TTTO: "Downtown" by Petula Clark) I was alone and suicidally lonely 'Til my dad said, "Yo! Downtown!" Though I had been abandoned my presence is demanded So I've gotta go - downtown! After sending me away so I won't be a bother Suddenly I'm summoned by my cold and distant father Oh, what the hell. How much trouble could I get in? It sure beats sitting and playing with my violin I'll go downtown! Just how bad could it be? Downtown! Someone there might love me Downtown! Shinji is coming for you! (Misato walks on stage) My name's Misato, just hop into my auto And we'll head into - downtown I'm here with orders to take you to headquarters Where there's lots to do - downtown The reason why we brought you here will come as quite a shocker You'll get a clue as soon as you stop staring at my knockers Let's hit the road Everyone is waiting there, you can meet up with your father... (Shinji, as an angel stomps onto stage) WHAT'S THAT THING OVER THERE? (Back to Misato) Let's go downtown! (pointing at angel) They've got a petting zoo! Downtown! Didn't your pop tell you? Downtown! It's time for monster-fu now! (Instrumental break. The angel knocks skyscrapers around, our heroes try to stay out of it's way, etc. Every time the chorus sings "Downtown" everyone, including the angel, stops and signs the line with enthusiasm before going back to running around frantically) It's good to find you're of a mind to go and meet that critter I'm sure you two will be good friends - try not to look so bitter Now, come along It's time to go stop that thing Though you look kinda scrawny and not much for fighting (Shinji starts freaking out) We'll go downtown! Try not to have a cow Downtown! Don't curl up fetal, now Downtown - destiny's waiting for you! (Misato drags Shinji off stage as the cast sings) Downtown, downtown, downtown, downtown ... *** (The angel moves off stage as the skyscrapers are cleared. The lights dim, with the cast lit in the front of the stage but the back covered in darkness. I hope. We'll have to see exactly what kind of lighting we can pull off.) Misato: And here we are in NERV's beautiful, underground world headquarters! Shinji: Um...exactly what _is_ NERV? Misato: It's like the Mickey Mouse Club, only better. Shinji: That explains all the singing. Does this make you Annette? Misato (showing off her chest): Yes, only better. And here's the man in charge of our happy bunch! (NERV bursts into song as Gendou walks in; TTTO "Mickey Mouse Club March") "Who's the leader of the gig to save humanity? G-E-N! D-O-U! I-K-A-R-E!" Gendou: That's I-K-A-R-_I_, you idiots. Shinji: Father. Genodu: Son. (pause) Gendou (chipper): Howdy, Shinji! Long time no see! How's it going? Shinji: Well... Gendou: Great, that's really great. Listen, how about doing your old man a favor by getting in that big ol' robot and fighting off the thing that's tearing up the city, eh? (cue spotlight on Eva backdrop) Shinji: WHAT? Gendou: Trust me, it'll only take a few minutes. Jump in the mecha, go beat up the angel - why, you'll be right back home again just in time for dinner! Ritsuko: Sir, I object! Your son has no training whatsoever and you want to send him out to fight an angel? Gendou: Well, it's him or Rei. (Rei is dragged in from off-stage and dumped unceremoniously on the floor.) Rei: ...hai... Ritsuko: Good point. Shinji, get in the EVA. Shinji: Hold on just a minute? Why on Earth would you drag a random kid in from off the street and put them in charge of piloting a giant robot? Gendou: Because I enjoy torturing teenagers. Shinji: ...really? Gendou (laughing a bit too heartily): Oh, no, no, not at all! (more laughter) No, of course not. (chuckles) The thought never crossed my mind. Right, Ritsuko? (Ritsuko hauls off and gives Rei a swift kick.) Ritsuko (laughing): Of course not, sir. Rei: ...hai... Shinji: Okay, but I still don't understand. Why me? (Gendou, putting his arm around Shinji) (spoken) You see, Shinji... (TTTO: "You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two" by Lionel Bart from Oliver!) In this world, don't know why, Monsters drop from the sky Someone's got to turn them to goo You've got to fight an angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (Cast) We don't want you turned to goo You've got to fight an angel or two! (Gendou) (spoken) Let's show Shinji how it's done, shall we, my dears? There it is - Unit One! Driving it must sure be fun No need to hide, just climb inside Then you can fight an angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (Cast) Climb inside, it's quite a ride When you fight an angel or two (Gendou) (spoken) Who says government work is dull? Tanks and such just don't work Angels have their little quirks To make them yield use your AT-Field To go and fight an Angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (Cast) They weild their own AT-Field So go and fight an angel or two! (Gendou) Everyone here at NERV Has a purpose they must serve Your lot's to take that big robot And pistol-whip an angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (Cast) Here at NERV we live to serve By fighting off an angel or two (Gendou) (spoken) Believe me, I love children! We would fight if we could But, alas, it's just no good If you aren't fifteen then no machine Will let you fight an angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (Cast) We aren't keen to force a teen But help us fight an angel or two! (Gendou) If we don't stop them soon Everyone on Earth is doomed Make up your mind to save mankind And help us fight an angel or two You've got to fight an angel or two, boys You've got to fight an angel or two! (NERV) Get behind all human kind (Gendou and NERV) We have to fight an angel or two! Gendou: So, how 'bout it? Remember, it's you or Rei. (Rei struggles to get to her feet, gasping in pain as tragic, violin music swells. Shinji sighs.) Shinji: Alright, alright, I'll pilot the goddamned Eva! But just this once, okay? Gendou: Sure, sure, no problem. Off you go! (Shinji goes running off-stage.) Misato: Well, what do you think, sir? Gendou: We're doomed. (Cue the sound of Shinji screaming off-stage) Gendou: Completely, utterly doomed. Rei: ...hai... (Dim lights, clear the stage.) *** (Back to NERV HQ, where everyone is lounging in chairs looking bored.) Gendou: Okay, so we weren't completely doomed. Well done, Shinji! And you only had to spend three days in the hospital! Shinji: I hate you, Dad. (The "Angel Attack" music begins to play in the background.) Maya: Sir! Another angel has appeared on the edge of the city! Gendou: Well, hell. I guess we'll have to do something about it, eh? Misato, who's going after it? (Misato looks at the Children. Shinji is listening to his Walkman and not paying atention. Rei says "...hai...". Misato sighs.) Misato: Hey, Shinji! You're up! Shinji: Huh? Misato: There's another angel out there and you're going to go fight it HEY KEEP IT DOWN BACK THERE! (Throughout the scene the "Angel Attack" music has been getting progressively louder. When Misato yells at it the soundtrack cuts off completely.) Misato: That's better. Hop to it, kid! (Shinji takes off his clothes, revealing a plug suit underneath. Meanwhile, a big Octahedron is being carried by an extra up the main aisle of the audience, towards the stage. It stops mid-way down the aisle.) Shinji: Alright, alright. (Walking towards the angel.) Hey! You! This town isn't big enough for the both of YEAAARGH! (The Angel shoots a laser (read: big flashlight) at Shinji, who starts hollaring and collapses. NERV rushes out and drags him back onto stage, where they dump him in front of Gendou.) Gendou: What the hell was that? Ritsuko: At a guess, first degree burns. Misato: A laser beam? Lovely. Ritsuko: Not only that, but the angel has stopped just above us and is currently boring it's way through our defenses! (The person holding the angel makes a drilling noise - whatever that is - as an extra holds up a corkscrew and begins drilling.) Gendou: Yes, that certainly is boring. How close can we get to this thing without it blasting us? Misato: Let's find out. Oh, Shinji! (Shinji is dragged to the left side of the stage and held up for the Angel to shoot him again, complete with horrible screams. Repeat for the right side.) Ritsuko: Perhaps if he approached from the back of the room? (Shinji curls up fetal and starts whimpering.) Ritsuko: Come on you big baby! You're not hurt! Walk it off! Makoto: How about we get a really big laser gun, set it up outside the Angel's defensive perimiter, feed it the entire power output of the convention... Misato: Country. Makoto: ...right, country, and have Shinji blast the thing from far away while Rei shields him from retaliation? (pause) Gendou: I knew there was a reason we kept you around here. What the hell! Operation Maybe We Won't All Die Horribly...begin! (Clear stage, dim lights. Rei is sitting on stage waiting for the operation to begin, Shinji walks up and takes a seat beside her.) Shinji: Um, hey there, Rei. Mind if I join you? Rei: ... Shinji: Right. (sits down) Well...it's just...I've barely said anything to you since I got here and I thought we should talk before our latest desperate attempt to save mankind. Rei: ... Shinji: I mean, it's just that I'm really nervous. There's a lot riding on this mission. What if I'm not up to it? Do you really think I can do this? (There's a pause, then Rei bursts into "Everything's Coming Up Roses" ala Ethel Merman.) (Rei) You'll be swell! You'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on the plate! Starting here, starting now, honey, everything's coming up roses! Clear the decks! Clear the tracks! You've got nothing to do but relax. Blow a kiss. Take a bow. Honey, everything's coming up roses! (Shinji looks on in terror as things escalate. Partway through the second verse Ritsuko rushes in with two medics, holds Rei down (still singing her heart out) and injects her with something, causing Rei to slowly trail off, ending with "...hai...".) Ritsuko: Sorry about that, Shinji. Sometimes her meds wear off. We'll just let you get back to your conversation. (Ritsuko and the meds head off. Rei sits there, staring off into space. There's a long pause.) Shinji: So...uh...like I said, do you think everything will be alright? Rei: ...hai... Shinji: Great. Misato: Okay, kids, it's showtime! (Misato walks up as Shinji and Rei strip down to their plug suits. Misato hands Shinji a big flashlight of his own and Rei a trashcan lid.) Misato: Right, the hopes and dreams of the entire planet are riding on your shoulders. No pressure! (Walks off-stage) HIT IT! (All lights in the room are killed. Shinji shines his flashlight on the Angel, who shines right back. Rei blocks the light with her shield, the Angel is unceremoneously dropped on the ground by it's handler, Rei collapses. The lights come back up and Gendou walks back on stage.) Gendou: Great work, guys! Shinji: Uh, is she going to be alright? Gendou: Don't worry, Shinji. Doctor Gendou's special medicine will fix her right up. (pause) Shinji: Um. Gendou: You know, I'm really proud of you Shinji. Shinji: Really? Do you mean it? Gendou: No, not really. Come on, Rei! (Rei and Gendou walk off stage. Shinji looks like someone kicked him in the teeth. Dim lights, clear the stage.) *** (Raise lights. The backdrop shows a battleship at sea on a nice sunny day, clouds and seaguls in the sky, and whatnot. Perhaps use "Anchors Aweigh" as a musical cue. Shinji, Misato, and Rei walk out on stage.) Shinji: Why are we here again? Misato: The German branch of NERV is sending over our latest monster killing machine. Oh, and a giant robot, too. (Asuka walks out on stage.) Asuka: Don't worry, it also kills monsters. Guten tag! I'm Asuka Langley Soryu! Shinji: Gesundheit. Asuka: That's my line. (Reaches her hand out to Shinji) Are you a fellow Eva pilot? Misato: That depends on what you mean by "pilot". Asuka: Flailing wildly about and causing massive amounts of collateral damage with a giant robot? Misato: That sounds about right. (Kaji walks on stage.) Kaji: And if there's anyone here who knows about flailing wildly, it's Misato. Misato: Oh, god, not you. Kaji: Howdy, babe. Misato (sighing loudly): Guys, meet my EX-boyfriend, Kaji Ryoji. Shinji: Hello Mr. Ryoji, my name's Shinji... Kaji (cutting him off): Go away, kid, you bother me. Shinji: Yes sir, Mr. Ryoji! Kaji (to Misato): So...doing anything later tonight? Shinji (popping up behind Misato): I'm free! Kaji: Not you, kid. Asuka: If Kaji's going to hook up with any teenagers around here, it's going to be me. (Asuka puts her arm around Kaji, who leers cheerfully at Misato, who fumes.) Misato: What in the hell are you doing here? Kaji: Gendou hired me to do a few odd jobs for NERV. Misato: Such as? Kaji: For starters, bugging the hell out of you. Misato: By dating fifteen year olds? Kaji: No, that's just a hobby. (Looks at Rei.) You wouldn't happen to be fifteen, would you? Rei: ...hai... Kaji: Fantastic! Want to go out for dinner sometime? Rei: ...hai... Kaji: Now that's my kind of woman. Misato (furious): Kaji... Kaji: No, seriously, I'm here to keep an eye on the new Eva and help out if anything should happen. (An Angel jumps out onto stage making monster noises.) Kaji: And by "help out" I mean "run for it." Later, guys. (Kaji bolts.) Misato: Aw, hell, not again. (The "Angel Attack" theme music starts in full blast.) Everyone: STOP THAT! (The music cuts off immediately.) Shinji: I hope you don't expect me to fight that thing without an Eva handy. Asuka: Who said anything about you? (Asuka strips down to her plug suit, Shinji cowers behind her, Misato, Rei and the angel stand to the sides waiting patiently for her to sing) (TTTO: "Anything Goes" by Cole Porter) (Asuka) Times have changed And humanity's fighting back Since Antarctica got a smack When we endured Second Impact If today, Our fair planet God would condemn Instead of causing the Third Impact I am gonna impact him In olden days an Eva pilot Was always a shirking violet But now, God knows Anything goes Good fighters too who once used rifle shots Now use big honkin' robots When fighting foes, anything goes Shinji: The Angel's on top of us! Asuka: There's no stopping us Shinji: I can't fight today! Asuka: Well, that's right today Shinji: We're gonna drown today! Asuka: It's going down today As everyone knows And despite Shinji's useless prattle I know that I'll win the battle Against all foes, Anything goes (Interlude. Let's hope Asuka can tap dance.) While Misato avoids ex-lovers I'll lure them beneath the covers! As she well knows - anything goes! When pilots are abused by fathers They wish Dad was rather like all those average joes Anything goes If saving the world you like If spears hurled you like A bit of class you like If kicking ass you like If Heino you like Or me gonzo you like Then settle back for the show When every week another critter Gives me the chance to glitter and be aglow Anything goes! Misato: The code name is Gaghiel Asuka: I'll send it to hell! Misato: The core's inside of it Open the mouth a bit Feed it a battle ship And then we'll let 'er rip So watch out when it blows (Thanks to the help of goofy props, Asuka does just that. The Angel blows up in some symbolic, easy to represent on stage manner.) (Cast) And despite Shinji's useless prattle We know that yo'll win the battle against all foes Anything goes! (Asuka) If saving the world you like If spears hurled you like A bit of class you like If kicking ass you like If Heino you like Or me gonzo you like Then settle back for the show (The Angel jumps back up to join in the final chorus.) (Cast) And despite Shinji's useless prattle We know that you'll win the battle against all foes Anything goes... Anything goes! (Everyone poses for the big finish, the Angel collapses, and the lights dim.) *** (Back at NERV HQ. Everyone is lounging around looking bored again. Suddenly, "Angel Attack" cranks up.) Maya: Sir! We're under attack again! Gendou: We are? What is it this time? Maya: I have no idea. But, if the music's playing it must be something. Misato: Wait a minute! It's in our computer system! If we don't stop it soon it'll cause the base to self-destruct! (Ritsuko walks over to Maya's computer and kicks it hard. The music cuts off.) Maya: Oh, that's got it. Thanks! (Everyone goes back to looking bored. Rei borrows Shinji's walkman. Suddenly the music kicks back in again.) Misato: Ritsuko, give the computer another kick, willya? Gendou: Actually, it looks like we've got another giant robot on our hands. ("Angel Attack" gets even louder.) Misato: Shinji and Asuka, go get in your mecha and LOOK STOP IT ALREADY, OKAY? ("Angel Attack" keeps going full blast.) Misato: THAT'S IT! (Misato picks up a handy crowbar and storms backstage. The sounds of Misato beating the hell out of something echo out and "Angel Attack" starts to slow down and fade out completely. Misato walks back on stage looking dishelved, but satisfied. NERV applauds her, Misato takes a bow.) Misato: Okay, where were we? Ah, yes - monster. Shinji, Asuka, you two are up at bat. (Shinji and Asuka strip down to their plug suits as NERV clears off stage and the Tokyo-3 backdrop is put up. The new angel walks on stage - it's two people, one dressed in orange the other in black, holding onto each other around the waist and shambling around.) Shinji: Hey, Asuka, watch this! Asuka: Famous last words. (Shinji, armed with a staff and begins waving it at the Angel.) Shinji: Hi! Ho! Parry! Dodge! Thrust! Spin! (With spin, Shinji cleaves the Angel in two.) Shinji: Hey, it worked! Asuka: Not bad, Shinji! (Suddenly the two seperate Angels jump up and bum rush Shinji and Asuka in a suprisingly synchronized fashion. The choreography needs to be worked out, but I'm thinking Stooge-esque antics, including pokes in the eyes, nose honking, and really furious noogies. Shinji and Asuka collapse under the attack, and the two angels go running off-stage making Shemp "woo-woo-woo-woo" noises. Gendou walks out on stage, looks down at the prone Children, and sighs.) Gendou: Misato! Tell the Self Defense Force to nuke those things! (Cue two flashes of light.) Gendou (sighing): Well, it's not as if we were using that part of the city all that much. (NERV walks back onto stage.) Misato: Done and done, sir. The nukes didn't stop them, but the angels will be out cold long enough for us to figure out a plan. Makoto: The problem is that the two angels operate in complete tandem, making their attack particularly difficult to fend off. The only solution is to get the Eva pilots to synchronize with each other completely, thus using their own tandem attack pattern to draw the two angels apart and finish them off. I suggest having them train with a music routine of some sort. (There's a pause as everyone stares at Makoto.) Ritsuko: Where do you come up with this stuff? Gendou: I like this plan! I'm happy to be a part of it! Operation Makoto Makes Shit Up And We Go Along With It...begin! (Lights dim, cue a quick scene change, and we find Misato, Shinji, and Asuka on stage.) Asuka: You want us to what? Misato: You're going to boogie the angel to death. Shinji: That's the worst idea I've ever heard. Asuka: And why am I stuck dancing with Shinji? Why can't you get Rei to do it? Rei (ala Ethel): "I got rhythm! I got music! I got my man! Who could ask for anything more?" (Ritsuko and the med techs rush back out on stage and sedate Rei.) Asuka: Nevermind. Misato: Right! Let's get started, shall we? (Cue our heroes trying to find a dance method that works. First up is DDR - complete with the game being projected on the screen - as Asuka and Shinji flail around. Misato breaks it up in short order.) Misato: Okay, that sucked. Hrm...oh, I know! Sow Belly Trio coming right up! (Misato grabs a fiddle and straw hat as the music from "Hillbilly Hare" cranks up and the two start square dancing.) Bow to your corner, bow to your own. Three hands up and 'round you go Break it up with a dosey-do Chicken in the bread pan kickin' out dough Skip to ma Lou my darling (The square dancing grinds to a halt. Misato sighs.) Asuka: Oh, I know! (Cue Heino belting out "Blau Bluht Der Enzian". Asuka and Shinji begin swaying back and forth beer garden style.) Misato: Absolutely not! Let's see...ah-ha! That's it! Here's the plan guys... (Dim the lights, clear the stage, raise lights on the Tokyo-3 set. The two angels are starting to get up and dust themselves off.) Misato (off-stage): On your mark...get set...GO! (Shinji and Asuka rush out on stage and stop in front of the angels. Everyone freezes for a moment, at which point the raunchiest, nastiest booty shaking music we can track down starts playing. Everyone gets down as Shinji and Asuka booty-dances the Angels to death. NERV goes on stage and joins in as the lights dim. Clear stage, back at NERV. As usual, everyone's bored.) Asuka: You'd think there would be more horrible threats to humanity showing up to keep things interesting around here. Misato: You won't need to worry about being bored any longer, Asuka! We're shipping you guys off to high-school. Shinji: Way to open your big mouth, Asuka. (The stage is changed while the lights are up from NERV to a small classroom, with our heroes sitting in chairs facing the left side of the stage where a Teacher and a desk sit; the backdrop changes and a few minor touches - a flagpole, perhaps? - are added. A teacher walks in as the schoolbell rings.) Teacher: Good morning class. I'd like to welcome our latest students, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei. They're the ones who have been stepping on your houses in their giant robots, so be sure to treat them like the social outcasts that they are. Now, open your textbooks to page 523... (Suddenly "Angel Attack" cranks up. Everyone clears the stage as the three Children throw off their regular clothes and an angel appears. There's a brief scuffle, the Children win, then the classroom bell rings again. Stagehands, students, and the Teacher quickly get everything back on stage and into position.) Teacher: Now, can anyone tell me who Yukio Mishima was? Rei (raising her hand): ...hai... Teacher: Very good Miss Ayanami... ("Angel Attack" again. The classroom clears out, the Tokyo-3 backdrop returns, there's another brief scuffle. Rinse and repeat, with the scene changes getting faster and the angels and students starting to get mixed up: Angels sitting in the classroom answering questions Chewbacca style, the Children tearing up the city while the students attack them, etc. Keystone Kops-style music plays in the background, going faster and faster, until...) Shinji: Woah, woah, woah! Stop! We're not going to do every single fight in the series this way are we? Asuka: Good point. How about a nice musical number instead? (Everyone, as the Children fight and sing along with various angels) (TTTO: "Windy" by The Association) Who's peeking out from behind a building Trying his best not to run and flee Who's going toe to toe with the angels Everyone knows it's Shinji! Who's tromping down the streets of the city Angsting for everybody to see Who's reaching out to impress his father Everyone knows it's Shinji! And Shinji has sad, sad dreams And very low self esteem And Shinji will whine and scream Through every fight! (Through every fight!) Through every fight! (Through every fight!) (Flute interlude/EVA and Angel hoedown) And Shinji's has his sad dreams And very low self esteem And Shinji will start to scream Through every fight! (Through every fight!) Through every fight! (Through every fight!) Who's tromping down the streets of the city Angsting for everybody to see Who's reaching out to impress his father Everyone knows it's Shinji! (Repeat, fade out, clear stage, back to NERV HQ. As usual, bored. But, not for long.) Misato: Well, it's boring, but at least it's quiet. Gendou (walking in): Not for long - our shadowy UN oversight committee, SELEE is really pissed off at us. Misato: Selee? What? Ritsuko: It probably has something to do with the Angel you're keeping down in our basement. Shinji: Angel? Kaji: Oh, you mean Adam, the angel that casued Second Impact! Asuka: Second wha? Shinji: Speaking of Angels, there's one right outside. Should I go fight it or something? Misato: So that's what that thing downstairs is! What about that spear sticking out of it? Ritsuko: You mean the Lance of Longinus? Misato: Spear, lance, what's the difference. Shinji: Well, I guess I'll go fight the angel, then. (Wanders off stage.) Kaji: More importantly, what about the Marduk Institute? Ritsuko: The guys who pick the EVA pilots? What about it? Kaji: They don't really exist. Gendou makes all the decisions. Ritsuko (to Gendou): Is that true? Gendou: Maybe. Misato: Hold on, where's Shinji? Makoto: He went off to fight an angel. He won, but his body was absorbed by his Evangelion. (brief pause) Misato: Well, that's pretty goddamned weird. Ritsuko: So is Gendou's relationship with Rei. Kaji: You mean the clone of his dead wife? Asuka: Is that true, Rei? Rei: ...hai... Gendou: Don't listen to her, that could mean anything. Rei: ...hai... Gendou: See? She agrees with me. Kaji: I'll be right back, I'm going to go figure out more about the Human Instrumentality Project. Asuka: The wha? Shinji (walking back up): Yeah, the wha? Misato: Shinji! I thought you were absorbed by your Eva! Shinji: I was, but I'm back now. Misato: Oh. Well, okay. Asuka: Can we go back to this Human Instrumentality thing? Gendou: I'd rather not talk about it. Makoto: Guys, there's another Angel coming. Misato: Damn. Um, Rei, go chuck the Lance of Longinus at it. Rei: ...hai... (Wanders off-stage.) Asuka: No, seriously, Human Instrumentality, someone talk. Gendou: I don't know what you're talking about. Misato: But Kaji does! (looks around) Hey, where's Kaji? Kaji (ducks back onto the stage): Sorry, can't answer. I'm dead. Asuka: When did that happen? Kaji: Off-screen. Very tragic. Sorry. (Rei wanders back in.) Gendou: Ah, Rei! How did it go? Rei: ...hai... Gendou: Wonderful! Glad to hear it! Asuka: Say, does something seem different about Rei to you guys? (brief pause) Shinji: Nope. Gendou: No, nothing at all. I'm quite sure the original Rei didn't die and I didn't activate one of the many Rei clones I keep downstairs. Makoto: Geez, how much crap do we have down in the basement, anyway? Asuka: Instrumentality? Hello? Ritsuko: Fine, I'll tell you. Human Instrumentality is Gendou's mad plan to kill everyone on the planet, unite them all into a single soul, and thus be reuninted with his dead wife, Yui. Rei: YOU BASTARD! YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS! (shocked silence) Asuka: Woah. Shinji: Say, can we take a break for just a second? Gendou: Look, baby, I can explain... Shinji: No, seriously, I'm confused, can we hold on for just one second? Misato: Shouldn't we be trying to stop Gendou or something? Rei: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! Asuka: I think Rei's going to do it for us. (Everyone starts talking at once until Shinji snaps) SHINJI: Hey! Time out! EVERYONE SHUT UP A MINUTE! (Everyone shuts up.) Shinji: I'm completely lost. What on earth are you people going on about? Kaji: Er, we're discussing the plot. We've got to wrap up the musical, don't we? Shinji: But it doesn't make a lick of sense! Misato: Hey, we're just working with what they gave us, you know? Shinji: Look...I...oh, to hell with it. I'm too confused to care anymore. Why should I even bother trying to figure all this out? Gendou: Why? I'll tell you why! Kaji, give me a hand, will ya? (Gendou and Kaji begin to sing) (TTTO: "Brush Up Your Shakespeare" by Cole Porter, from Kiss Me, Kate!) The fans today in the SF scene Watch cartoons on the TV screen So to pick up geeks you will have to see Bebop and Fu-shi-gi-yu-gi One must know both shounen and shoujo From Sai-lor Moon to Na-ru-oo-to Unless you watch Gundam, Kenshin, or X You'll leave the con without having sex But the winner of them all Who will put them flat on their backs Is the series people call The greatest cash cow of Gainax {Refrain} Brush up your Eva Start obsessing now Brush up your Eva And otaku you will wow You can show anyone that you've got verve As long as you can work up your NERV The hotties will think you're a winna If you've solved da Hedgehog's Dilemma If you're accused of excess carnality Say it's just human instrumentality! Brush up your Eva And they'll all kow-tow {Refrain} When chatting up someone who is cute Just bring up the Marduk Institute If someone is giving you that look Put their name in your little Red Cross Book When flirting on the telephony Let them know that you like it Sound Only! Brush up your Eva And they'll all kow-tow {Refrain} If you want to get touchy or feely Start smooth-talking to them about SEELE To make them think you're outta dis Earth Show 'em the little Death and your Rebirth If you want to make sure that they call back Go for a second and a third impact! Brush up your Eva And they'll all kow-tow - Pen-Pen! And they'll all kow-tow - Jet Alone And they'll all kow-tow! Gendou: There, now does it make sense? Shinji: Not really, but what the hell, I'll try to stick with it a few more minutes. Gendou: Well, let's get this wrapped up, then. Do you want the long, drawn-out, everyone dies horribly movie ending or the bizzare, introspective, terribly vague TV ending? Shinji: Is the TV ending shorter? Gendou: Yep. Shinji: Let's go with that one. But make it snappy! Gendou: Okay then, Shinji, we'll get straight to the heart of your problems - but I'm going to need everyone to give me a hand here, okay? (The cast agrees. Gendou (to audience): You can all help out, too. I think you'll recognize your cue. Hit it! (Cue "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles) (Cast) Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. (Gendou) There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy. (Misato) There's nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time It's easy. (Cast) All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love, love is all you need. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love, love is all you need. (Asuka) There's nothing you can know that isn't known. Nothing you can see that isn't shown. Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. It's easy. (Cast) All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love, love is all you need. All you need is love (all together now) All you need is love (everybody) All you need is love, love, love is all you need. Gendou: So, whaddya say, son? Shinji: I...I love you, Dad! (Gendou and Shinji embrace. Cue the triumphant fanfare.) Cast: Eva!