---------- Forwarded message --------- From: Phil Lee Date: Wed, Nov 28, 2018 at 11:13 AM Subject: Re: Final Dark Tower meeting! And now, from the home office in Calla Bryn Sturgis, the top 10 possible endings to The Dark Tower. 10) The Dark Tower is there as promised, but it's just a copy of the 1981 Milton Bradley board game. Roland is then doomed to spend eternity playing the game against the Crimson King, who cheats, badly. 9) The Dark Tower reaches infinitely high into the sky, but the elevator is out of order, leaving Roland stuck in the lobby. 8) There are three identical Dark Towers present - Dimatower, Deematower, and Dumatower - each of which tries to convince Roland that they're the correct one to climb. Roland spends the rest of his life sitting in the field of roses suffering from analysis paralysis. 7) The field of roses is there, but the Dark Tower has mysteriously vanished. The finale of the book is Roland kneeling in the middle of the field, looking at the Polaroid photo of the tower, and sobbing. 6) The Dark Tower is there, but the scale of the entrance and the interior is 1/6 that of human size. Roland fights the Crimson King, but the King's "Drink Me" bottle is shattered by a stray bullet, leaving him unable to shrink down to size. Instead, Oy enters the Tower, ascends to the top, and then returns to the bottom to tell Roland about his experience. Unfortunately, all Oy can say is "Ower! Op!" and Roland is left bewildered. Later, Roland gets his head stuck in the entrance of the Tower in an attempt to look inside. 5) The Dark Tower is there, but it only turns out to be the most popular theme park ride at Walt Disney End-World. Roland doesn't have a FastPass and is forced to wait in a very, very long line to get into the ride, which turns out to be vaguely disappointing after such a long wait. 4) The field of roses is actually just a Roses Discount Store. Roland then spends the rest of the book hunting among the shelves of goods hoping to find the Dark Tower, while trying to avoid the Crimson King, who is trying on pants in the menswear section. 3) The Dark Tower is there, but is being renovated and visitors are not allowed access to the top until work is completed. Sadly, repairs are now running three years late with no end in sight. Roland mutters angrily to himself about how he'd planned this trip for ages and contemplates writing an angry letter to someone. 2) When Roland arrives at the Dark Tower he meets the Crimson King, who turns out to be a beautiful, if rather angsty, young man. Roland is instantly attracted to the King's brooding, mysterious nature, and abandons his quest for the Tower in order to better understand these strange feelings he has for the Crimson King. Their romance is then developed over several hundred thousand words of torrid fanfiction. 1) Roland climbs to the top of the Dark Tower, looks down, and realizes that the landscape all around him is the prone, colossal form of Stephen King and that he's standing in the head of the author's erect penis. Phil