Subject: Big drug bust!

From: [email-masked] (Keith F. Lynch)
Date: 1 Apr 1994 00:27:14 -0500

Authorities today report seizure and destruction of 401 million tons of
crack cocaine, with an estimated street value of 41 trillion dollars.

The drugs were found onboard the supertanker _Medellin Valdez_, which
has been bombed and sunk in the Gulf of Mexico by the DEA.  The
captain, who is under arrest, denies all knowledge, and claims he
thought he was hauling oil.  "Now that you mention it, the ship
*was* riding just a bit low in the water," he is quoted as saying.

Local authorities in states bordering the gulf are ecstatic.  "When
this washes ashore, everything within ten miles of the beach will test
positive.  We'll be able to *seize it all*!  We'll be the richest police
department in the world!" said a Louisiana sheriff.  "No, *we* will!"
disputed the chief of police of unnamed major city on Tampa Bay.  "We
plan to sell the seized property for billions.  Then seize it again.
Then sell it again.  Etc.  We'll be able to afford tens of thousands
of drug troops, nuclear tipped anti-drug-user missiles, million-cell
prisons, thousand-seat electric chairs, video cameras in every room
of every home and office, hourly urine tests for everyone, and PDFA
anti-drug ads on every surface of every object."

The mood is less ecstatic among property owners near the shore.  Houses,
land, and other unmovable property has been selling for extremely low
prices, pending the forfeiture.  A four star beach-front resort hotel
with a thousand rooms sold for forty-one dollars.

"This proves that we're winning the war on drugs," said a chain-smoking
administration official over cocktails.
-- 
Keith Lynch, [email-masked]

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