Subject: Pentium Rotisserie Attachment

From: [email-masked] (Brian Kendig)
Date: Fri, 1 Apr 1994 22:58:44 GMT

Here are some new products that are being planned for the Power
Macintosh in the coming months:

Spurred by consumer demand for IBM PC compatibility and the increased
popularity of rotisserie chicken in the United States fast-food market,
Apple plans to release the Pentium Rotisserie Attachment for the Power
Macintosh.  It will allow the user to run popular PC applications such
as "X-Wing" and "Wing Commander" while he cooks his supper.  "We feel
that the Pentium processor is ideal for tasks requiring a lot of heat,"
says Gil Bates, project manager at Apple.  A similar peripheral device,
the Pentium Space Heater, is reportedly under consideration and will
probably be released in time for next winter.  Beta testers are pleased
that the device keeps their fingers toasty warm while they use their
PowerMacs to get work done.

Taligent has been showing a lot of demos lately of its new object-
oriented operating system.  Interestingly enough, it looks and feels
almost exactly like the PC game "Doom".  It makes use of a first-person
office metaphor, in which the user is free to wander around a 3-D
texturemapped rendering of his office environment, collect pens and
Post-It notes and ammunition, and shoot anything that moves.  Co-workers
are depicted as zombielike creatures wearing tattered clothing, and
managers are represented as demons that spit fireballs at the user.  "It
was important to avoid constraining the user by the limitations of what
is normally done in an office," explains Mike "Ro" Soft, lead developer
on this project.  "This metaphor allows you more freedom to express your
true feelings about your work."  This environment will be shipped as the
native operating system with the Power Macintosh 9500/150.

I've followed up on a tip from Greg Landweber about some features in
System 8.0 that will make the Macintosh more "natural" to use.  Among
these are:

  - the Morality Manager, which zaps you with an electrical charge
    when you try to use shareware you haven't paid for yet

  - the Mixed Metaphor Manager, which helps you put all your eggs in
    one basket then count them before they hatch

  - the Purchasing Manager, which tells you when to upgrade to a PowerMac

  - the Annoyingly Overbearing Manager, which causes your Mac to yell at
    you to get back to work whenever you try to play a game

  - the Microsoft Manager, who keeps telling you that Windows 4.0
    (Chicago) will be out "real soon now"

Based on customer feedback, Apple will be modifying its sixteen-inch
display monitor to increase the monitor's radiation emissions.  "We
found that users who spend a lot of time in front of their computers
like to at least have a good tan to show for it," stated one Apple
employee who asked to remain anonymous.  "I knew nothing about this,"
added John Sculley defensively.  "If anyone had told me, I never would
have signed any contracts."  When asked what he was talking about, he
suddenly became unavailable for comment.

In a pleasantly surprising gesture of world unity, Apple has offered to
purchase spare nuclear warheads from Eastern European nations.  These
devices will then be converted to portable nuclear power generators for
next month's PowerBook BlackBird computers.  Apple refused to comment on
rumors that these warheads are actually being stockpiled in underground
silos and aimed at Redmond, Washington.  "That's preposterous," scoffs
Apple employee Spike Mindler.  "We love Microsoft.  Really.  After all,
we think they're almost ready to ship the native version of Microsoft
Word.  Why, if we were aiming those things at anybody, which we're not,
we would certainly be aiming them at Intel.  But we happen to think that
Intel makes really good TV commercials."

-- 
_/_/_/  Brian Kendig                              Je ne suis fait comme aucun
/_/_/  [email-masked]                 de ceux que j'ai vus; j'ose croire
_/_/                             n'etre fait comme aucun de ceux qui existent.
  /  Be insatiably curious.   Si je ne vaux pas mieux, au moins je suis autre.
 /     Ask "why" a lot.                                           -- Rousseau