24,01 01 01 ** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 01 An electrical system malfunction has been detected 01 on Deck 20, Section B-12. The bowling alley has 01 been knocked out for approximately 3.468 stardates. 01 Emergency repairs are underway. 02 02 ** REPORT FROM SUPPLY: 02 Our reserves of pizza are exhausted. Suggest we 02 return to starbase as soon as possible. Unknown 02 how long the crew can hold out. 03 03 *** ATTENTION -- AN EMERGENCY HAS JUST BEEN REPORTED *** 03 P/5 03 03 ** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 03 An electrical malfunction has just occurred in the 03 primary power distribution substation #B4 on Deck 5, 03 Section C-8. Damage reports are just coming in... 03 P/9 03 03 Circuit breakers on the primary refrigeration units 03 have blown, resulting in the entire ship's supply 03 (38 metric tons) of ice cream having melted, 03 flooding turbo-elevator shafts 3, 7 and 8 as well 03 as Decks 8 and 9 to a depth of 1 meter. 03 P/9 03 03 The maintenance crews have distributed straws to the 03 entire crew. Estimated suck up time -- 3.456 hours. 03 Cherries and whipped cream will be supplied free. 03 However, no choice of flavors is possible. 03 Medical Section is standing by to treat casualties. 04 04 **REPORT FROM RECREATION CONTROL: 04 Tonight's movie is entitled "Star Wars 458". 04 It is the story of a young lad, Luke Skywalker CXVIII, 04 and his search for the vaccuum cleaner that was made 04 from the dismantled parts of R2D2 after it was stolen 04 from the Imperial Rebel Museum. The plans for the 04 83rd generation Death Star are believed to be hidden 04 in the suction snout. 04 P/5 04 04 ...and tomorrow night's feature is... 04 P/4 04 "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE ANCIENT KIND". 04 Keep posted for new and exciting activities and 04 features provided for your benefit by the... 04 P/4 04 04 ***** R E C R E A T I O N C O N T R O L ***** 05 05 *** EMERGENCY STANDBY ALERT *** 05 05 Short Range Sensors have just picked up an 05 unidentified alien spacecraft in this quadrant. 05 A detailed sensor scan of the object will follow... 05 P/9 05 05 COMPOSTION: 43.26% water 05 2.85% NA-CL 05 3.96% fatty acid 05 0.45% iron 05 28.60% cellulose-type substance 05 hold it... 05 P/9 05 P/9 05 05 OOPS... The UFO has been identified as a splotch 05 of mustard dropped on the sensor by an operator 05 eating a hot dog on duty.... 05 P/4 05 ...Ahh, sorry about that, Chief... 05 ** EMERGENCY STANDBY ALERT IS CANCELLED ** 06 06 ** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 06 A malfunction has occurred in the Primary Life Support 06 System on Decks 8 and 9, Sections A-H. The sewerage 06 system in these areas is temproarily inoperative and 06 has backed up the system throughout the primary hull. 06 gas masks are being distributed to the crew. 07 07 *** EMERGENCY REPORT FROM THE MEDICAL SECTION: 07 A flask of a specimen virus culture obtained from 07 the last planetary expedition has been knocked 07 over and broken. Any mushroom-type plants walking 07 in Corridors 7C and 7D are NOT, we repeat, *NOT* 07 to be eaten or killed, as these are believed to be 07 the medical technicians that were in the lab at 07 the time of the accident. 08 08 ** ATTENTION ** 08 P/2 08 08 Will the crewmen responsible for smuggling aboard 08 two tribbles and hiding them in Storage Hold 23c, 08 please report immediately to help remove them and 08 their 14,673,800+ descendants from the hold... 08 P/9 08 CORRECTION: There are now 15,967,000+ tribbles... 08 P/6 08 ...make that 17,493,000+ tribbles... 08 P/5 08 08 ...aw shoot, I give up! Anyway, there is one helluva 08 lot of tribbles down there. 09 09 *** EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND *** 09 ATTENTION! It appears there has been a slight mixup. 09 The sacks of chlorine powder for your swimming pool 09 that were put aboard your ship at Star Fleet H.Q. 09 were mislabled. The labels should have read: 09 "WASHING DETERGENT (HIGH SUDS)". Hope this has not 09 caused any problems. 09 P/9 09 P/2 09 09 *** EMERGENCY REPORT FROM SECONDARY HULL: 09 A creeping tidal wave of suds and bubbles originating 09 from the area of the swimming pool, has taken over 09 the forward sections of Decks 19 through 23, and was 09 last reported headed towards the Shuttle Hangar Deck, 09 engulfing everything in its path. Phasers have little 09 effect on it. We may be forced to evacuate the entire 09 secondary hu...glub...glub... 10 10 ** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 10 Captain, some wise guy parked his chewing gum on the 10 braking mechanism servo in Turbo-elevator Shaft #5. 10 The turbo-elevator car in that shaft which was supposed 10 to stop at Deck 5, continued down to Deck 8, where it 10 broke through the shaft, passed through the starboard 10 water tank, and came to rest in the storage hold on 10 Deck 8, along with the 8,600,000 liters of water from 10 the tank. Unfortunately, that storage hold contained our 10 entire supply of flour.... the turbo-elevator car is now 10 stuck in 6 meters of glue. 11 11 *** EMERGENCY REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 11 A malfunction has just occurred in the gravitational force 11 field on Decks 20 and 21. The crew's recreation facility 11 in the secondary hull can now be found on the ceiling of 11 Deck 20. Until the malfunction is rectified, all ping 11 pong tournaments played in this facility will count in 11 the badminton competition. 12 12 *** COMMUNICATION FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND: 12 We just received a report of a really great little 12 restaurant which just opened on Antares IV. Too 12 bad you are not in the same region. 13 13 *** COMMUNICATION FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND: 13 Captain, the Federation Internal Revenue Service (F.I.R.S.) 13 has just completed an audit of your tax returns. They 13 questioned some of the deductions you claimed, namely: 13 1. Isn't 1400 pairs of pantyhose a bit excessive for your 13 line of work? 13 2. What or where is the Society for the Rehabilitation of 13 One-legged Vulcan Waiters with Brain Damage? 13 3. What in the hell is the Church of the Holy Redeemed 13 Grasshopper, to which you made offerings? 13 4. The cost of anti-matter fuel and dilithium crystals 13 used to run a Starship Cruiser cannot be considered 13 to be travel expenses. 13 13 P/5 13 In case you return from your mission, you have had an 13 appointment set up with the F.I.R.S., and a room has 13 been reserved for you at Penal Colony 8. 14 14 *** EMERGENCY REPORT FROM DAMAGE CONTROL *** 14 A malfunction has just occurred in the dorsal food conveyor 14 speed control circuit...the tomatoes and bottles of yogurt 14 being transferred from the lower storage holds are now being 14 propelled onto the ceiling of Deck 8 at a velocity in excess 14 of 180 meters/sec. 15 15 *** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 15 The sewerage system on Deck 5, Section c, has backed up 15 and overflowed into the Captain's stateroom. 16 16 ** COMPUTER REPORT: 16 Captain, the ship has just exceeded its warranty conditions 16 of 5 years or 5000 parsecs. 16 P/9 16 P/5 16 16 *** REPORT FROM ENGINEERING: 16 Turbo-elevator Shaft 3 just broke down 16 P/6 16 ...rear homing beacon light just burnt out 16 P/5 16 ...air-conditoning system on Decks 4 and 5 is out 16 P/5 16 short circuit reported in Circuit Breaker & Switching Room 5c, 16 resulting in all lights going out on Deck 5 (Officers Quarters). 16 P/9 16 ...the emergency batteries just leaked and went flat 16 P/5 16 ...Water Pumping Station 4 just broke down 16 P/5 16 ...shuttlecraft hangar doors are jammed 16 P/5 16 ...reports received of 18 beds, 32 chairs and 6 tables collapsing 16 in the crew quarters 16 P/6 16 ...the bowling alley just broke down 16 P/5 16 ...showers in the gymnasium just stopped working 16 P/6 16 ...the backup computer just crashed 16 P/5 16 ...a snowstorm just occurred in the greenhouse when the air- 16 conditioning malfunctioned 16 P/7 16 ...the sewerage system has just backed up 16 P/4 16 ...the port dilitium crystal cracked - it will be replaced 16 with a spare 16 P/8 16 ...the spare dilithium crystal just broke - another is being 16 substituted 16 P/7 16 ...an ensign on Deck 17 suffered a broken nose when he tried 16 to walk through a door that had stuck closed 16 P/8 16 ...all the basketballs in the recreation facility just deflated 16 P/6 16 ...we are also starti....have troub....ship's int..nal commun... 16 ....yste.....BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16 P/4 16 16 Intercom link disconnected, sir. 17 17 *** COMMUNICATION FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND: 17 The Ringworm Brothers Space Circus has had to cancel its 17 scheduled performance for your crew due to the untimely 17 death of their Bohemian midget during a performance at a 17 glass factory on Sirius III. During a demonstration 17 basketball game, where he was playing center for the 17 visiting team (the Ringworm Browns), he was mistaken for 17 the ball and accidentally hurled to the backboard, from 17 which he rebounded into a vat of molten glass. After 17 cooling, members of the circus were so upset, that they 17 accidentally dropped and shattered the slab of glass 17 containing the midget. The pieces were then wired together, 17 and are now being used as a chandelier for the circus. 18 18 ** REPORT FROM SECURITY: 18 The hungarian goulash that the cooks were making for dinner 18 has escaped and was last seen on Deck 9 - Corridor D, heading 18 towards Turbo-elevator 5. Security personnel have been issued 18 regulation combat spoons and galoshes , and the Federation 18 Marines are standing by as reinforcements, if necessary. 18 18 Hold it, a report is just coming in...... 18 P/9 18 ....the goulash has been located and the security personnel 18 are moving in..... 18 P/9 18 P/9 18 ...initial reports indicate that they have it pinned down.... 18 P/9 18 P/9 18 ...no, it appears that the goulash is winning. We'll have to 18 send in the marines.... 18 P/9 18 P/9 18 Captain, it looks like we have finally got that renegade 18 goulash bottled up. However, dinner will be slightly late. 19 19 ** REPORT FROM SECURITY: 19 NOTHING TO REPORT! 20 20 ** MESSAGE FROM CHIEF ENGINEERING OFFICER: 20 I have just finished restoring the antique NASA Space Shuttle 20 that I bought for 200 credits at the junk dealer on Antares V. 20 If you do not have any objections, I will take it out for a 20 spin. Please have the tractor beam standing by for a tow. 20 Chief Engineer out. 20 20 P/3 20 *** REPORT FROM SCIENCE OFFICER: 20 Shuttle Deck hangar doors open.... 20 P/2 20 ...shield bypass circuit activated in engineering, rear shield 20 has been to set to allow passage of Chief Engineer's shuttle. 20 Sensors indicate that the shuttle has left. 20 20 P/3 20 ** COMMUNICATION RECEIVED FROM ANTIQUE SHUTTLE: 20 Boy, this is the life! ... HOLD IT, SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED! 20 P/4 20 I've just had a massive structural failure in the vicinity 20 of the OMS propellant tanks....pressure's dropping, warning 20 indicators are going crazy. I think I might need some he.. 20 ....BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 20 P/2 20 20 ** REPORT FROM COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: 20 We've just lost the signal, Sir. 20 P/2 20 20 *** REPORT FROM SCIENCE OFFICER: 20 An explosion has just occurred at the location of the shuttle. 20 I believe we have just lost our Chief Engineer. 21 21 *** COMMUNICATION RECEIVED FROM KLINGON ADMIRAL: 21 HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE THE MIGHT OF THE SUPERIOR 21 KLINGON EMPIRE! YOU AND YOUR CREW ARE NOTHING BUT 21 A BUNCH OF POOFTERS! PREPARE TO DIE THE DEATH 21 SUITABLE FOR THE PIG-DOG THAT YOU ARE, CAPTAIN! 22 22 *** COMMUNICATION RECEIVED FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND: 22 ATTENTION ALL FEDERATION STARSHIPS! 22 An immediate CEASEFIRE with all forces of the 22 Klingon and Romulan Empires is now in effect! 22 Our chief negotiator, Neville Chamberlain VI, 22 has received the assurance of the Klingon and 22 Romulan leaders, that they will stop attacking, 22 and return to their own territories. Do not, 22 I repeat, DO NOT fire upon the former enemy! 22 They have given their word to observe this 22 treaty, and so have we. You are to return to 22 the nearest starbase and await further orders. 23 23 *** REPORT FROM SCIENCE OFFICER: 23 Sensors have detected the presence of a small unidentified 23 vehicle. It's too small to appear in the Short Range Scan... 23 more information as it becomes available. 23 23 P/5 23 *** COMMUNICATION RECEIVED FROM STAR FLEET COMMAND: 23 The infamous space outlaw and seducer of virgins, 23 ARTHUR FONZERELLI, has been reported to have escaped 23 into your region in a Harley-Davidson space-cycle. 23 Be on the lookout, and be prepared to move all 23 female crewmembers to a place of shelter. 23 Star Fleet Command out. 23 23 P/6 23 *** REPORT FROM SCIENCE OFFICER: 23 Analysis of UFO indicates it to be a one-man space-cycle 23 of Earth manufacture. Records indicate that vehicle was 23 last made in the late fifties by Harley-Davidson Corporation. 23 It is unarmed and poses no threat. 23 23 P/6 23 ** MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM UFO: 23 HEEEEY.........What's Happening? 23 This is THE FONZ. 23 23 P/4 23 ** SHIP'S COMPUTER: 23 According to Star Fleet Emergency Directive ED4372-B, 23 I am taking over control of the ship to deal with 23 this emergency. 23 23 P/5 23 *** RED ALERT - SHIELDS RAISED TO MAXIMUM *** 23 23 ** REPORT FROM SECURITY: 23 All female crew members have been moved to what the 23 computer considers to be the safest place aboard: 23 your statesroom. 23 23 P/3 23 PHASER CONTROL 23 P/2 23 PHASER AUTO-FIRE ENGAGED 23 Target has been identified 23 Phasers energized and locked on target 23 P/3 23 PHASERS FIRING 23 P/6 23 23 SPACE-CYCLE PERFORMED EVASIVE MANEUVER 23 *** LOCK-ON LOST - FIRING ABORTED *** 23 23 Phasers energized and locked on target 23 PHASERS FIRING 23 P/6 23 23 *** DIRECT HIT *** 23 SPACE-CYCLE HAS BEEN INEVITABLY INDUBITABLY OBLITERATED 23 23 Shields returned to previous setting 23 Female crew members returned to normal stations 23 Computer has restored control of ship to manual 24 24 ** REPORT FROM TRANSPORTERS CONTROL: 24 A malfunction occurred in the transporters while we were 24 beaming the Asst. Chief Engineer out to a Work Bee. 24 He was accidentally beamed into the Nurses' Quarters. 24 He has not been heard from since. 31 31 Swamp reclamation on Dagobah. 32 32 Sulphuric acid collecting on Venus. 33 33 Guano mining on Aries Maximus, the planet of the Giant Birds. 34 34 TaunTaun cage cleaning on Hoth. 35 35 Tribbles counting at the Animal Husbandry & Breeding Station 35 on Aggie 12. 36 36 Solitary confinement on the planet Aphrodites, which is renowned 36 for having the most beautiful women in the Galaxy. 37 37 Forest clearing on the moon, Yavin Four. 38 38 Canal digging on Mars. 39 39 Ice mining on Hoth. 40 40 Salt mining on Tatooine. 41 41 Star Fleet Citation for Gallantry 41 Prentares Ribbon of Commendation 41 Combat Action Ribbon 42 42 Silver Palm 42 Federation Defense Service Medal 42 Distinguished Service Medal 43 43 Medal of Valour 43 Karagite Order of Heroism 43 Cross of Gallantry with Palm 44 44 Iron Cross 44 Medal of Honor 44 Cross of Gallantry with Silver Star 45 45 Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross 45 Cross of Gallantry with Gold Star 45 Pour le Merite' (The Blue Max) 46 46 Hero of the Federation Gold Star 47 47 Honorary Rank of Admiral Emeritus 48 48 Federation Defense Cross with Gold Star 49 49 Grand Admiral's Award for Exceptional Service 50 50 Grand Admiral's Award for Tactical Brilliance