This is the file of one liners for TAA's BYE program. This file contains material from the following copyrighted publications: "Celestial Navigation", Anne Tyler "Consenting Adults, OR The Duchess Will Be Furious", Peter De Vries "China Men", Maxine Hong Kingston "Moby Dick", Herman Melville "Falling in Place", Ann Beattie "The Once and Future King", TH White "Dance of the Dwarfs", Geoffrey Household The Book of Job ?"Scientific American" ?"A History Of Western Philosophy", by Bertrand Russell ?"Godel's Proof", by Newman & Nagel ?"Opuscules", Leibnitz "The Enlarged Devil's Dictionary", Ambrose Bierce & Ernest Hopkins. Doubleday. "The Sardonic Humor of Ambrose Bierce", George Barkin, ed. Dover. "The Thurber Carnival" "The Unexpurgated Code", J. P. Donleavy "The Education of Henry Adams" ?"The New Yorker", 10 January 1977 The People, Yes, Carl Sandburg Daniel Martin, John Fowles The Listing Attic, Edward Gorey The Honourable Schoolboy, John le Carre The Fatal Lozenge, Edward Gorey "Dolor", Theodore Roethke W. B. Yeats Emily Dickinson Play It as It Lays, Joan Didion The Last Gentleman, Walker Percy Love in the Ruins, Walker Percy Collected Poems: Not So Deep As A Well, Dorothy Parker Travels With My Aunt, Graham Greene A Handbook for Scholars, Mary-Claire van Leunen Newsweek, 11/20/78, Robertson Davies The Golden Notebook, Doris Lessing Agents and Patients, Anthony Powell The Tragic Muse, Henry James Shosha, Isaac Bashevis Singer Lancelot, Walker Percy Uneasy Money, P.G. Wodehouse A Coffin for Dimitrios, Eric Ambler Metropolitan Life, Fran Lebowitz ~0 Do nothing, have nothing done and let nobody do anything.~2 "I weep that I have lost my innocence." "You would wiser weep that you ever had it."~1 When every possibility is taken away, then we have sinned.~2 Some also have wished that the next way to their father's house were here, and that they might be troubled no more with either hills or mountains to go over, but the way is the way, and there is an end.~5 Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble. He comes forth like a flower, and withers; he flees like a shadow, and continues not. ~6 One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it."~1 When, long ago, the young world circling flew Through wider reaches of a richer blue, New-eyed, the men and maids saw, manifest, The thoughts untold in one another's breast-- Each wish displayed, and every passion learned; A look revealed them as a look discerned. But sating Time with clouds o'ercast their eyes; Desire was hidden, and the lips framed lies. A goddess then, emerging from the dust, Fair Virtue rose, the daughter of Distrust. ~1 "I'm sorry I married," says Upton Sinclair: "The conjugal status is awful!-- The devil's device, a delusion and snare." Worse, far worse than that--it is lawful!~1 She jilted me. I madly cried: "The grave at least can hold her!" Reflecting then that if she died 'Twould stop her growing older, I pitilessly sheathed the knife And sternly sentenced her to life!~1 My days all are wasted in vainly Contesting the field against Fate; My nights with remorses insanely Are swarming, and spectres of hate. "O for rest! O for peace!" I cry madly-- "Let me fall, for I faint in the strife. To be dead, to be dead, I'd give gladly All, all that I have, except life." ~1 The New Decalogue Have but one God: thy knees were sore If bent in prayer to three or four. Adore no images save those The coinage of thy country shows. Take not the Name in vain. Direct Thy swearing unto some effect. Thy hand from Sunday work be held-- Work not at all unless compelled. Honor thy parents, and perchance Their wills thy fortunes may advance. Kill not--death liberates thy foe From persecution's constant woe. Kiss not thy neighbor's wife. Of course There's no objection to divorce. To steal were folly, for 'tis plain In cheating there is greater gain. Bear not false witness. Shake your head And say that you have "heard it said." Who stays to covet ne'er will catch An opportunity to snatch. ~1 A Married Woman, whose lover was about to reform by running away, procured a pistol and shot him dead. "Why did you do that, madam?" inquired a Policeman, sauntering by. "Because," replied the Married Woman, "he was a wicked man, and had purchased a ticket to Chicago." "My sister," said an adjacent Man of God, solemnly, "you cannot stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them."~2 An Ingenious Man who had built a flying-machine invited a great concourse of people to see it go up. At the appointed moment, everything being ready, he boarded the car and turned on the power. The machine immediately broke through the massive substructure upon which it was builded, and sank out of sight into the earth, the aeronaut springing out barely in time to save himself. "Well," said he, "I have done enough to demonstrate the correctness of my details. The defects," he added, with a look at the ruined brick-work, "are merely basic and fundamental." On this assurance the people came forward with subscriptions to build a second machine.~2 A Man was hanged by the neck until he was dead. This was in 1893. "Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented himself at the gate of Heaven. "From California," replied the applicant. "Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings." When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum tablet and made the following entry: "February 16, 1893. California settled by the Christians."~1 Having risen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate of Heaven, and knocked with a trembling hand. "Madam," said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket, "whence do you come?" "From San Francisco," replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow. "Never mind, my good girl," the Saint said, compassionately. "Eternity is a long time; you can live that down." "But that, if you please, is not all." The Woman was growing more and more confused. "I poisoned my husband. I chopped up my babies. I--" "Ah," said the Saint, with sudden austerity, "your confession suggests a grave possibility. Were you a member of the Women's Press Association?" The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth: "I was not." The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges, making the most ravishing music, and the Saint, stepping aside, bowed low, saying: "Enter, then, into thine eternal rest." But the Woman hesitated. "The poisoning--the chopping--the--the--" she stammered. "Of no consequence, I assure you. We are not going to be hard on a lady who did not belong to the Women's Press Association. Take a harp." "But I applied for membership--I was blackballed." "Take two harps."~1 "My friend," said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army to a Most Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin. The Divine Grace has made me what I am." The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot. "Henceforth," he said, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well enough alone."~1 A weary Traveler who had lain down and fallen asleep on the brink of a deep well was discovered by Dame Fortune. "If this fool," she said, "should have an uneasy dream and roll into the well men would say that I did it. It is painful to me to be unjustly accused, and I shall see that I am not." So saying she rolled the man into the well.~2 Be neat when ending it all. It is exceedingly perverse to leave one's remains in an unlovely condition or where your corpse is likely to cause distressing nuisance. Even if it means an irritating postponement or inconvenience, always plan an appropriate time and place to kill yourself. Especially avoid any impromptu on the spur of the moment leavetakings involving rail tracks. These often become impulse sites for a permanent departure. Thereby causing disquieting delays for others who with urgent deals or love trysts pending may still have a lot to live for.~4 It is seemly if your method of death is in keeping with your qualities as a person. But not, however, if you are a bit of a bungler and botcher. There is nothing more dumb brained than taking a jump to hang yourself and ending up suspended under the armpits half strangling on some coat hook without a hope of dying. If this is the kind of carnival joke you're likely to perform, try free fall bridge departure over open waters. There are many architecturally fine high spans offering this opportunity but as they were not designed for this purpose make sure you're not impeded by an embellishment before hitting pay dirt or water. Additionally, some bridge sites offer the presence of sharks which make away with remains and this especially assists those without previous disposal plans with a reputable undertaker.~4 Anyone speaking straight from the bowels knows that life is mostly a pain in the arse.~2 Never throw a thoroughly wasted tantrum. When this kind of energy is expended you want an audience. Although explosive outbursts are generally the prerogative of the boss of a privately owned corporation they should be tried now and again by underlings who enjoy toying with being fired. There is nothing more satisfyingly fulfilling than hearing and seeing devastation wrought from your violence. Especially if at another's expense and inconvenience. But fury when intense can quickly become a peril. Be careful striking hard or explosive objects or others which may ricochet back. And always make sure the walls are paper thin before attempting to perforate them with your fists.~1 Upon Encountering Massive Windfalls Head immediately for the cruise ship. Fully reclined on a steamer chair reading the classics is often where one can best come to terms with mountainous new wealth. It takes time and imagination to groom yourself morally and physically to the enjoyment of spending a fortune. Be patient and sit tight. You'll think of something. Above all do not celebrate or give money away. Thereby you prevent the spreading of the problem you've got.~1 When the World Rats on You It's amazing how good they are at timing this so that they'll all be together. But before you lose all your faith in human decency, check first to be sure that all windows and other entrances to your premises are securely fastened. Then ask for mercy. This is when they will come at you more eager than ever for the kill. Choose the most unpleasant looking and make sure that he goes with you to your doom. This improves the world. And it is seemly to commit a beneficial act upon your departure. Plus the prospect of going down with you discourages people ratting on you in the first place.~1 Upon Doing unto Others as They Would So Treacherously Delight to Do unto You Besides being accused of murder this would keep you awfully busy.~1 Upon Being High and Mighty with the Low and Weak Heaping Abuse It is always a good thing to be away on a trip. But if they've got you to come out on your fortified rampart, try to look reasonable and that you are bowing to the will of the people. Remember if you insult the people everybody with their god damn paranoia rampant is going to think you are insulting them. And of course, since you are, you can soon have a god damn army around your castle cutting up the meadow and launching assault boats across your moat with ladders to climb your battlements, rocks to bounce off your gun slits and clubs to try to beat back your man eating dogs. Protected the way you are, you could end up with the public maimed all around you. For which you would be further reviled.~2 Upon Being Puzzled by the Meaning of Life Commence fasting till your perplexity is replaced by the desire for food. Should the bewilderment again return upon a full stomach, abandon the roof over your head and give away all your worldly goods until finding a place to sleep occupies your mind. Should puzzlement beset you yet again, it is a proof that you have been somewhere sneakily eating and sleeping comfortably.~1 Upon Hiring a Secretary Never mind the typing, shorthand and assuming of responsibilities, see if they can lift half a hundred weight two handed over their heads. Next look for a pleasant strong leg. These latter are best tested by checking their speed running over a two hundred and twenty yard distance in under thirty seconds flat. You never know when you may have to vacate somewhere fast with your files.~1 How to Prevent People from Detesting You Don't try.~2 Forgiveness Be careful, those getting this then do the unforgivable. Which is frequently a lot worse than the first lousy thing they did to you.~2 Upon Using People for What They're Worth First find out exactly how much this is, but beware as you attempt to take advantage. Folk have a devilish way of short changing you, which oft times can only be described as bitterly disheartening.~2 Upon Living and Let Live Be sure when taking this attitude your assets or life are not in danger and that your wife is faithful. If someone is being murdered beneath your window, it is not nice to merely say, well everybody has got a time and place when they are going to get theirs. This posture although prudent raises the odds that you are also going to get yours sooner.~1 Upon Encountering Happiness Be wary at such times, since most of life's blows fall then.~2 We love those who know the worst of us and don't turn their faces away.~6 Students are, if the truth be known, a bad lot.~1 Suppose you ask God for a miracle and God says yes, very well. How do you live the rest of your life?~5 Elegance and truth are inversely related.~1 Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.~1 The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.~1 Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.~1 Every silver lining has a cloud around it.~1 Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca, and the Germans have outlawed miracles.~1 Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.~2 Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.~1 To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticise the competent.~1 Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.~1 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.~1 You can watch a horse boil in a pot but you can't drink him.~1 Stop searching forever. Your TECO buffer is circular.~1 Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.~1 As of next Friday, you will be flushed in favor of CONNIVER. Please go away.~1 Any thing that can go wrong, will.~1 "Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem..." ----Thomas Pynchon, Gravity's Rainbow~1 Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.~1 The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't get out of the game.~1 ((LAMBDA ((X) (X X))) (LAMBDA ((X) (X X))))~1 Above all, beware of Zeal!~1 Power is poison.~1 MESSAGE FROM ON HIGH Prepare to meet thy doom!^_~1 Good afternoon. Is this the American Professional Horsemen's Association?~1 God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.~2 Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. ~1 Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?~2 Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.~7 One of the pleasures of adulthood is saying nothing when you have nothing to say.~1 When has the heart of man given a damn for science?~1 Get as many diplomas as you can, my boy. You don't need them now, but one never knows.~2 The number of the wise will always be small. It is true that it has been largely increased, but it is nothing in comparison with the number of fools, and unfortunately they say that God always favors the heaviest battalions.~1 "That's what life is, getting used to things that are really intolerable."~4 "I don't pretend that my love affairs are not sordid. They are. They always have been. I like sordid love affairs. What I object to is the assumption that just because one's love affairs are sordid it doesn't matter whether or not they go wrong."~3 "To be too respectable to go where things are done best is to be very vicious indeed."~2 "World history is made of the same dough as bagels. It must be fresh. This is why democracy and capitalism are going down the drain. They have become stale. This is the reason idolatry was so exciting. You could buy a new god every year. We Jews burdened the nations with an eternal God, and therefore they hate us."~1 "The experiences of a long life have convinced me that nothing ever happens."~1 There is something worse than knowing the worst. It is not knowing.~1 In times like these when everyone is wonderful, what is needed is a quest for evil.~3 It has been well said that in this world there is always something.~2 If there should be such a thing as a superhuman Law, it is administered with sub-human inefficiency.~1 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.~3 The best thing for being sad is to learn something. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.~2 A guitar ought to be one of the simple necessaries of life along with salt, pimientos and alcohol.~2 Left alone at their typewriters, after a certain period of time--before or after they have written all the great books--eventually monkeys will become lovers.~1 "When called upon, most people fish out a travel brochure."~1 That was the virtue of graduate school--that you could spend years learning, and in the end, almost nothing you learned would apply.~3 Never mind the brimstone--devils are good fellows enough.~2 All you have to do is stay alert; play a little less than they do, use your memory, and you'll become a millionaire.~1 Only on a firm foundation of unyielding despair can the soul's habitations henceforth be safely built.~3 The Most High's phone is off the hook.~1 Sad people are the only real ones. They can tell you the truth about things; they have always known that there is no one you can depend upon forever and no change in your life, however great, that can keep you from being in the end what you were in the beginning: lost and lonely, sitting on an oilcloth watching the rest of the world do the butterfly stroke.~4 To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and break all the mirrors.~1 This is your hell. Keep it happy.~3 Ban the green from your life, and what are you left with?~1 There's no rest for the wicked--they're having too much fun.~1 It is the pardonable vanity of lonely people everywhere to assume that they have no counterparts.~1 A clean desk represents an empty mind.~1 Malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man.~1 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves |And, as in uffish thought he stood, Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: | The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, All mimsy were the borogoves, |Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And the mome raths outgrabe. | And burbled as it came! | "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! |One,two! One,two! And through and through The jaws that bite, | The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! the claws that catch! |He left it dead, and with its head Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun | He went galumphing back. The frumious Bandersnatch!" | |"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? He took his vorpal sword in hand: | Come to my arms, my beamish boy! Long time the manxome foe he sought--|O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" So rested he by the Tumtum tree, | He chortled in his joy. And stood awhile in thought. | |'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves | Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: |All mimsy were the borogoves, | And the mome raths outgrabe. ~1 I have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Neat in their boxes, dolor of pad and paperweight, All the misery of manila folders and mucilage, Desolation in immaculate public places, Lonely reception room, lavatory, switch-board, The unalterable pathos of basin and pitcher, Ritual of multigraph, paper-clip, comma, Endless duplication of lives and objects. And I have seen dust from the walls of institutions, Finer than flour, alive, more dangerous than silica, Sift, almost invisible, through long afternoons of tedium, Dripping a fine film on nails and delicate eyebrows, Glazing the pale hair, the duplicate grey standard faces. ~1 I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree, And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made; Nine bean rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee, And live alone in the bee-loud glade. And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings; There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow, And evening full of the linnet's wings. I will arise and go now, for always night and day I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore; While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements gray, I hear it in the deep heart's core. ~2 I went out to the hazel wood, | Though I am old with wandering Because a fire was in my head, | Through hollow lands and hilly lands, And cut and peeled a hazel wand, | I will find out where she has gone, And hooked a berry to a thread, | And kiss her lips and take her hands; And when white moths were on the wing, | And walk among long dappled grass, And moth-like stars were | And pluck, till time and times flickering out, | are done, I dropped the berry in a stream | The silver apples of the moon, And caught a little silver trout. | The golden apples of the sun. When I had laid it on the floor I went to blow the fire a-flame, But something rustled on the floor, And someone called me by my name: It had become a glimmering girl With apple blossoms in her hair Who called me by my name and ran And faded through the brightening air. ~4 Down by the salley gardens my love and I did meet; She passed the salley gardens with little snow-white feet. She bid me take love easy, as the leaves grow on the tree; But I, being young and foolish, with her would not agree. In a field by the river my love and I did stand, And on my leaning shoulder she laid her snow-white hand. She bid me take life easy, as the grass grows on the weirs; But I was young and foolish, and now am full of tears. ~2 Fiat justitia, ruat coelum.~1 Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.~2 One felt like a man walking out of a forest on to a plain--there was not much to see, but one had plenty of light.~1 "Man may, indeed, have evolved from the primordial ooze, and this may be accepted as good if we assume that it is good to have complex life on earth, but this again is an arbitrary assumption."~1 Another day, another dolor.~1 War is better than Monday morning.~2 Men are not liars all, for some are dead.~2 "If life were not worth living," said the preacher, "'Twould have in suicide one pleasant feature." "An error," said the pessimist, "you're making: What's not worth having cannot be worth taking."~1 Keep old music warm.~1 By the street of By-and-By one arrives at the house of Never.~1 "Rats indeed are ahead of us indisputably in one respect--they live underground. We only began to live underground during the last war. Rats have understood the danger of surface life for thousands of years. When the atom bomb falls the rats will survive. What a wonderful empty world it will be for them, though I hope they will be wise enough to stay below. I can imagine them evolving very quickly. I hope they don't repeat our mistake and invent the wheel."~2 A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; From the back she would wail Through a thickness of veil: 'Things do not get better, but worse.'~2 Each night Father fills me with dread When he sits on the foot of my bed; I'd not mind that he speaks In gibbers and squeaks, But for seventeen years he's been dead.~1 A timid young woman named Jane Found parties a terrible strain; With movements uncertain She'd hide in a curtain And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.~1 The Governess up in the attic Attempts to make a cup of tea; Her mind grows daily more erratic From cold and hunger and ennui.~2 The Hermit lives among the boulders, He wears no garment but a sack; By slow degrees his reason moulders, The sun has long since burnt him black.~1 The Keeper, when it's time for luncheon, Flings down his charge upon the bed, And taking out a home-made truncheon, Belabours him about the head.~1 The Magnate waits upon the pavement For his enormous limousine, And ponders further child-enslavement And other projects still more mean.~1 The Suicide, as she is falling, Illuminated by the moon, Regrets her act, and finds appalling The thought she will be dead so soon.~2 The Tourist huddles in the station While slowly night gives way to dawn; He finds a certain fascination In knowing all the trains are gone.~1 No more my little song comes back; And now of nights I lay My head on down, to watch the black And wait the unfailing gray. Oh, sad are winter nights, and slow; And sad's a song that's dumb; And sad it is to lie and know Another dawn will come. ~3 Oh, lead me to a quiet cell Where never footfall rankles, And bar the window passing well, And gyve my wrists and ankles. Oh, wrap my eyes with linen fair, With hempen cord go bind me, And, of your mercy, leave me there, Nor tell them where to find me. Oh, lock the portal as you go, And see its bolts be double.... Come back in half an hour or so, And I will be in trouble. ~1 By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying-- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying.~1 Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live.~4 When I was young and bold and strong, Oh, right was right, and wrong was wrong! My plume on high, my flag unfurled, I rode away to right the world. "Come out, you dogs, and fight!" said I, And wept there was but once to die. But I am old; and good and bad Are woven in a crazy plaid. I sit and say, "The world is so; And he is wise who lets it go. A battle lost, a battle won-- The difference is small, my son." Inertia rides and riddles me; The which is called Philosophy. ~1 Daily dawns another day; | Though I go in pride and strength, I must up, to make my way. | I'll come back to bed at length. Though I dress and drink and eat, | Though I walk in blinded woe, Move my fingers and my feet, | Back to bed I'm bound to go. Learn a little, here and there, | High my heart, or bowed my head, Weep and laugh and sweat and swear, | All my days but lead to bed. Hear a song, or watch a stage, | Up, and out, and on; and then Leave some words upon a page, | Ever back to bed again, Claim a foe, or hail a friend-- | Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall-- Bed awaits me at the end. | I'm a fool to rise at all! ~1 Whose love is given over-well Shall look on Helen's face in hell, Whilst they whose love is thin and wise May view John Knox in paradise.~1 If I had a shiny gun, I could have a world of fun Speeding bullets through the brains Of the folk who give me pains; Or had I some poison gas, I could make the moments pass Bumping off a number of People whom I do not love. But I have no lethal weapon-- Thus does Fate our pleasure step on! So they still are quick and well Who should be, by rights, in hell. ~1 There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine; This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle-- Would you kindly direct me to hell? ~4 Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)~1 My land is bare of chattering folk; The clouds are low along the ridges, And sweet's the air with curly smoke From all my burning bridges.~1 When you are gone, there is nor bloom nor leaf, Nor singing sea at night, nor silver birds; And I can only stare, and shape my grief In little words. I cannot conjure loveliness, to drown The bitter woe that racks my cords apart. The weary pen that sets my sorrow down Feeds at my heart. There is no mercy in the shifting year, No beauty wraps me tenderly about. I turn to little words--so you, my dear, Can spell them out. ~1 After great pain a formal feeling comes-- The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs; The stiff heart questions--was it He that bore? And yesterday--or centuries before? The feet mechanical go round A wooden way, Of ground or air of Ought Regardless grown; A quartz contentment like a stone. This is the hour of lead Remembered if outlived As freezing persons recollect The snow-- First chill, then stupor, then The letting go. ~2 I felt a Funeral, in my Brain, | As all the Heavens were a Bell, And Mourners to and fro | And Being, but an Ear, Kept treading--treading--till it seemed | And I, and Silence, some strange Race That sense was breaking through. | Wrecked, solitary, here. | And when they all were seated, | And then a Plank in Reason, broke, A Service, like a Drum-- | And I dropped down, and down-- Kept beating--beating--till I thought | And hit a World, at every plunge, My Mind was going numb. | And finished knowing--then. | And then I heard them lift a Box | And creak across my Soul | With those same Boots of Lead, again, | Then Space--began to toll, | ~4 I reason, Earth is short-- And Anguish--absolute-- And many hurt, But, what of that? I reason, we could die-- The best Vitality Cannot excel Decay, But, what of that? I reason, that in Heaven-- Somehow, it will be even-- Some new Equation, given-- But, what of that? ~3 | We grow accustomed to the Dark-- | The Bravest--grope a little-- When Light is put away-- | And sometimes hit a Tree As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp | Directly in the Forehead-- To witness her Goodbye-- | But as they learn to see-- | A Moment--We uncertain step | Either the Darkness alters-- For newness of the night-- | Or something in the sight Then--fit our Vision to the Dark-- | Adjusts itself to Midnight-- And meet the Road--erect-- | And Life steps almost straight. | And so of larger--Darknesses-- | Those Evenings of the Brain-- | When not a Moon disclose a sign-- | Or Star--come out--within-- | | ~2 There is a pain--so utter-- It swallows substance up-- Then covers the Abyss with Trance-- So Memory can step Around--across--upon it-- As one within a Swoon-- Goes safely--where an open eye-- Would drop Him--Bone by Bone. ~3 Remorse--is Memory--awake-- Her Parties all astir-- A Presence of Departed Acts-- At window--and at Door-- Its Past--set down before the Soul And lighted with a Match-- Perusal--to facilitate-- And help Belief to stretch-- Remorse is cureless--the Disease Not even God--can heal-- For 'tis His institution--and The Adequate of Hell-- ~1 None can experience stint Who Bounty--have not known-- The fact of Famine--could not be Except for Fact of Corn-- Want--is a meagre Art Acquired by Reverse-- The Poverty that was not Wealth-- Cannot be Indigence. ~1 Bereaved of all, I went abroad-- No less bereaved was I Upon a New Peninsula-- The Grave preceded me-- Obtained my Lodgings, ere myself-- And when I sought my Bed-- The Grave it was reposed upon The Pillow for my Head-- I waked to find it first awake-- I rose--It followed me-- I tried to drop it in the Crowd-- To lose it in the Sea-- In Cups of artificial Drowse To steep its shape away-- The Grave--was finished--but the Spade Remained in Memory-- ~1 Crumbling is not an instant's Act A fundamental pause Dilapidations's processes Are organized Decays. 'Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul A Cuticle of Dust A borer in the Axis An Elemental Rust-- Ruin is formal--Devil's work Consecutive and slow-- Fail in an instant, no man did Slipping--is Crash's law. ~1 Safe Despair it is that raves-- Agony is frugal Puts itself severe away For its own perusal. Garrisoned no Soul can be In the Front of Trouble-- Love is one, not aggregate-- Nor is Dying double-- ~2 'Tis not that Dying hurts us so-- 'Tis Living--hurts us more-- But Dying--is a different way-- A Kind behind the Door-- The Southern Custom--of the Bird-- That ere the Frosts are due-- Accepts a better Latitude-- We--are the Birds--that stay. The Shiverers round Farmers' doors-- For whose reluctant Crumb-- We stipulate--till pitying Snows Persuade our Feathers Home. ~4 Rehearsal to Ourselves Of a Withdrawn Delight-- Affords a Bliss like Murder-- Omnipotent--Acute-- We will not drop the Dirk-- Because We love the Wound The Dirk Commemorate--Itself Remind Us that we died. ~2 To One denied to drink To tell what Water is Would be acuter, would it not Than letting Him surmise? To lead Him to the Well And let Him hear it drip Remind Him, would it not, somewhat Of His condemned lip? ~2 The Brain, within its Groove Runs evenly--and true-- But let a Splinter swerve-- 'Twere easier for You-- To put a Current back-- When Floods have slit the Hills-- And scooped a Turnpike for Themselves-- And trodden out the Mills-- ~1 Some say goodnight--at night-- I say goodnight by day-- Good-bye--the Going utter me-- Goodnight, I still reply-- For parting, that is night, And presence, simply dawn-- Itself, the purple on the height Denominated morn. ~4 God is a distant--stately Lover-- Woos, as He states us--by His Son-- Verily, a Vicarious Courtship-- "Miles", and "Priscilla", were such an One-- But, lest the Soul--like fair "Priscilla" Choose the Envoy--and spurn the Groom-- Vouches, with hyperbolic archness-- "Miles", and "John Alden" were Synonym-- ~1 Abscond, v.i. To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative and miss the return train.~1 Absent, adj. Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.~1 Absentee, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.~1 Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention.~1 Academy, n. A modern school where football is taught. Institute, n. An archaic school where football in not taught.~1 Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.~1 Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.~1 Advice, n. The smallest current coin.~1 Alone, adj. In bad company.~1 Authentic, adj. Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.~1 Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.~2 Brain, v.t. To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.~1 Carouse, v.i. To celebrate with appropriate ceremonies the birth of a noble headache.~1 Charity, n. a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.~1 Conscience, n. A morbid condition of the stomach, affecting the gray matter of the brain and producing a mental discord.~1 Corrupt, adj. In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.~1 Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.~1 Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.~1 Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper--the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.~1 Diagnosis, n. The physician's art of determining the condition of the patient's purse, in order to find out how sick to make him.~1 Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.~1 Encourage, v.t. To confirm a fool in a folly that is beginning to hurt him.~1 Epidemic, n. A disease having a sociable turn and few prejudices.~1 Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.~1 Excess, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.~1 Expectation, n. The state or condition of mind which in the procession of human emotions is preceded by hope and followed by despair.~1 Father, n. A quarter-master and commissary of subsistence provided by nature for our maintenance in the period before we have learned to live by prey.~1 Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.~1 Flirtation, n. A game in which you do not want the other player's stake but stand to lose your own.~2 Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night. Vulgar.~1 Forgetfulness, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.~1 Forgiveness, n. A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offense.~1 Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.~1 Fratricide, n. The act of killing a jackass for meat.~1 Freshman, n. A student acquainted with grief.~1 Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.~1 Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.~1 Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.~1 Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.~1 History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.~1 I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.~3 Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.~1 Intellectual, adj. Employed on the Bulletin, in the department of Art, Literature, and Agriculture; residing in Boston; near-sighted.~1 Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.~1 Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.~2 Joy, n. An emotion variously excited, but in its highest degree arising from the contemplation of grief in another.~1 Jury, n. A number of persons appointed by a court to assist the attorneys in preventing law from degenerating into justice.~1 Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.~1 Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.~1 Laziness, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.~1 Lead, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers--particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is deposited in great quantities--some say by precipitation, but that is to confuse cause and effect, for the precipitation with which one set of patriots withdraws from the contact is caused by the other set's superior deposit of lead.~1 Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.~1 Lettuce, n. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song."~4 Liar, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth.~1 Liar, n. An attorney with a roving profession. A journalist of any occupation, trade or calling. See Preacher.~1 Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.~1 Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.~1 Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.~1 Love, n. The folly of thinking much of another before one knows anything of oneself.~1 Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.~1 Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators.~1 Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to some one that it might be taught to talk.~1 Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.~1 Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.~1 Me, pron. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.~1 Minor, adj. Less objectionable.~1 Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.~1 More, adj. The comparative degree of too much.~1 Morning, n. The end of night and dawn of dejection. The morning was discovered by a Chaldean astronomer, who, finding his observation of the stars unaccountably interrupted, diligently sought the cause and found it. After several centuries of disputation, morning was generally accepted by the scientific as a reasonable cause of the interruption and a constantly recurrent natural phenomenon.~1 Morrow, n. The day of good deeds and a reformed life. The beginning of happiness.~1 Noise, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.~1 November, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.~4 Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.~1 Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man--who has no gills.~1 Once, adv. Enough.~1 Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.~1 Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof--an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.~3 Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.~2 Ordinary, adj. Common; customary. In the Southwestern States of the Union this word is pronounced ornery and means ugly--a striking testimony to the prevalence of the disagreeable.~2 Ostrich, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.~1 Otherwise, adv. No better.~1 Outrage, n. Any disagreeable act, considered from the viewpoint of the victim of it. A denial of immunity.~1 Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.~1 Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream.~2 Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.~4 Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.~1 Philosophy, n. Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.~1 Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.~1 Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.~1 Picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.~1 Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.~1 Platonic, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.~2 Pleasure, n. An emotion engendered by something advantageous to one's self or disastrous to others. In the plural this word signifies those mostly artificial aids to melancholy that deepen the general gloom of existence with a particular dejection.~1 Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.~1 Plural, adj. Troubles.~1 Pocket, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.~1 Politics, n. pl. A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our criminal classes.~1 Portion, n. A part--in the loose locution of the letterless unworthy. "Part" means a fraction or piece of the whole, but "Portion" means a share and implies an allotment. By reverent observance of this distinction great public disaster may be averted.~1 Possession, n. The whole of the law.~1 Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific--and without science we are as the snakes and toads.~1 Preposterous, adj. The idea that murder is a crime.~1 Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.~1 Pun, n. A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire.~1 Punch, n. A stimulant, which warms the system or the temper, according as it is taken into the stomach or on the nose.~1 Railroad, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.~1 Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.~1 Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.~1 Recreation, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.~1 Reflection, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.~1 Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.~1 Reprobation, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.~1 Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.~1 Roomy, adj. Hades.~1 Roundhead, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war--so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soapboilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility.~1 Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.~1 Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.~1 Sanity, n. A state of mind which immediately precedes and follows murder.~1 Sauce, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.~1 Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.~1 Scruple, n. A word that is falling into disuse as expressing an idea that no longer exists.~1 Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.~1 Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.~1 Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.~1 Take, v. t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.~1 Talk, v. t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.~1 Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.~1 Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.~1 Trichinosis, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.~1 Truthful, n. Dumb and illiterate.~1 Twice, adv. Once too often.~1 Ubiquity, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body, were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood--not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird.~1 Unction, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be damned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "that is what we fear."~1 Understanding, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof of the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.~1 Vanity, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.~1 Virtues, n. Certain abstentions.~1 Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.~1 Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.~1 Wheat, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.~1 White, adj. and n. Black.~1 Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.~1 Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.~1 Yankee, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See Damyank.)~1 Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.~1 Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.~1 Zoology, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we learn (L'Histoire generale des animaux and A History of Animated Nature) that the domestic cow sheds its horns every two years.~1 foo