THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY BY AMBROSE BIERCE With Added Cross Reference Compiled By Jim Williams 21 Apr 86 First Edition April, 1986 This is an uncopyrighted work in the public domain. This material may be reproduced, in whole or in part. The compiler would appreciate reports of typographical er- rors. Reports of such errors may be directed to: Jim Williams Digital Equipment Corporation MLO05-05/E76 176 Main Street Maynard, MA 01754 The author is responsible for the content of this work. Any comments or complaints should be directed to: Mr. Ambrose Bierce (probably deceased) General Delivery Mexico The information in this document in no way relates to Digi- tal Equipment Corporation. Digital Equipment Corporation assumes no responsibility for this document. No responsi- bility is assumed for the use or reliability of the informa- tion by Digital Equipment Corporation or its affiliated companies. Probably Printed in the United States. This material was prepared using a PROFESSIONAL 380 and PDP-11/83 both running the RT-11 operating system, the KEX editor, and the BONNER LAB RUNOFF text formatting program. ii Compiler's Preface The following version of The Devil's Dictionary is a ___ _______ __________ machine readable transcription of the Dover edition [D], with many see references added, and indication of the con- tents of some other editions. The contents of the dictionary are from the turn of the century and contain some of the prejudices of the time. It is quite possible to find something within it to offend any- one. This should be balanced by being able to find some thing else that "rightly" gores someone else's sacred cow. The presence of a given definition in a specific edi- tion of the dictionary is indicated by symbols added follong the definitions. The symbols used and a description of the corresponding edition are listed below. The presence of an illustration for a definition is indicated by "illus", and errors in alphabetic order are indicated by "(out of order)". [Ci] The Collected Writings of Ambrose Bierce, with an ___ _________ ________ __ _______ ______ introduction by Clifton Fadiman. The Citadel Press, Secaucus, NJ. c. 1946. ISBN 0-80650180-4 This book contains most of the definitions. Some of the de- finitions containing racial slurs have been omitted. [Cr] The Devil's Dictionary, By Ambrose Bierce. Illus. ___ _______ __________ by Jean-Claude Suares. Thomas Y. Crowell, Publishers, New York. c. 1911, Illus c. 1979. ISBN 0-690-01764-2 This book contains a selection of the definitions, some are abridged, typically by the omission of the illustrative poem or quotation. [D] The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. Dover ___ _______ __________ Publications, Inc, New York, 1958. An unabridged and unaltered republication of the work originally published in 1911 by the Neale Publishing Com- pany. ISBN 0-486-20487-1 i [P] The Devil's Dictionary, a selection of the bitter ___ _______ __________ definitions of Ambrose Bierce. The Peter Pauper Press, Mount Vernon, NY. c. 1958. This book is a small selection of the definitions, most are abridged, typically by the omission of the illustrative poem or quotation. It also has taken liberty with alphabetical order (primarily to associate definitions with illustra- tions, but sometimes capriciously). [S] The Devil's Dictionary, [by] Ambrose Bierce, il- ___ _______ __________ lustrated by Berebe Streett with an introduction by Lawrence R. Suhre. Stemmer House Publishers, Inc., Owings Mills, MD, 1978. ISBN 0-91614434-8 This book contains most of the definitions. It also con- tains some illustrations in black and white and in color. Jim Williams, Maynard, MA ii Preface The Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in ___ _______ __________ 1881, and was continued in a desultory way and at long in- tervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic's Word Book, a ___ _______ ____ ____ name which the author had not the power to reject nor the happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work: "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work appeared, with the natural conse- quence that when it came out in covers in the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic' books -- The Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and The ___ _______ ____ ___ _______ ____ ___ Cynic's t'Other. Most of these books were merely stupid, _______ _______ though some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication." Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anec- dotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possi- ble charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasing, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from em- inent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenious cleric, Father Gassalassa Jape, S.J. whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assis- tance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted. A.B. iii -----A----- [ Aaron, see Sycophant. Abara, see Zenith. ] Abasement, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. [Ci;Cr;D;P illus;S] Abatis, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubb- ish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. [Cr;D;S] [ Abbe Belloc, see Salamander. Abbe's, see Infidel. Abbotesses, see Infidel. Abbots, see Infidel. Abdals, see Infidel. ] Abdication, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish Nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle -- Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Abdomen, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose wor- ship, with sacrificial rights[rites], all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering as- sent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 4 Abdomen, see Diaphram; Presentable; Soul. Abemy, Jomater, see Repentance. ] Ability, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Able-Bodied Sedentarians, see Regalia. ] Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death, and the hope of Hell. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber, they fertilize. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Aborigines, see Red-skin. ] Abracadabra By Abracadabra we signify ___________ An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope at night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down From sage to sage, From age to age -- An immortal part of speech! Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land. For his head was bald, and you'll understand Page 1 His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feet and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "Abracadabra, abracadab, ____________ __________ Abracada, abracad, _________ ________ Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!" _______ ______ _____ ___ 'Twas all he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the mystical speech, Which they published next -- A trickle of text In a meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkable -- very! He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things. Jamrach Holobom [Ci;D;S] [ Abracadabranese, see Brahma. Abraham, see Caaba. ] Abridge, v.t. To shorten. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opin- ions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. -- Oliver Cromwell [Ci;D;S] Abrupt, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose inter- ests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beauti- fully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." [Ci;D;P;S] Abscond, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another. Page 2 Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. Phela Orm [Ci;D;S illus] Absent, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilified; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the con- sideration and affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But a women's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning the sage hath said: A women absent is a woman dead. Jogo Tyree [Ci;D;P;S] Absentee, n. A person with an income who has the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Absolute, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases as long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monar- chies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Absolution, see Refusal. ] Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstentions, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought You a total abstainer, my son." "so I am, I am," said the scapegrace caught -- "But not, sir, a bigoted one." G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Abstainer, see Rum; Tope. Abstemious, see Epicure; Excess; Feast; Tope. Abstentions, see Virtues. ] Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 3 Abu-Keber, see Geographer. ] Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Academy, n. (from academe) A modern school where football is taught. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Accident, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Accident, see Safety-Clutch. Acclimatizing, see Affliction. ] Accomplice, n. One associated with another in a crime, hav- ing guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who de- fends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Accord, n. Harmony. Cr;[Ci;D;S] Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Accountability, n. The mother of caution. "My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess." Joram Tate [Ci;Cr;D;S] Accuse, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Accused, see Trial. ] Acephalous, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Achievement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of dis- gust. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 4 Achilles, see Myrmidon; Wrath. ] Acknowledge, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgment of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to bor- row from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Acquaintance, see Income. Actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Actuary, see Insurance. Adage, n, Boned wisdom to weak teeth. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Adam, see Dissemble; Dullard; Forma Pauperis; Freemasons; Homiletics; Infralapsarian; Pre-Adamite; Regalia; Story; Symbolic. ] Adamant, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Administration, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Admiral, n. That part of a war-ship that does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resem- blance to ourselves. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Admonition, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. Consigned, by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Jubibras [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 5 Adoration, see Trinity. ] Adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Adultery, see Incubus. Advance, see Dragoon. ] Advice, n. The smallest current coin. "The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no less Than give him good advice." Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you would have done." Jebel Jocordy [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Advocate, see Trial. AEacus, see Editor. Affect, see Delusion. Affection, see Fickleness; Platonic. Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted, see Re- galia. ] Affianced, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Affliction, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world. [Ci;D;P(out of order);S] [ Africa, see Tzetze. ] African, n. A nigger that votes our way. [Cr;D;S] [ Afro-American, see Black (race). Afterlife, see Affliction; Avernus; Baptism; Benedictines; Diary; Elysium; Frankalmoigne; Hades; Heaven; Houri; Predestination; Redemption; Representative; Respite; Universalist; Weather. Page 6 Agamemnon, see Inferiae; Monument; Wrath. ] Age, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Agitator, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors -- to dislodge the worms. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Aglaia, see Graces. ] Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is -- I have fired." G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Air, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Air pollution, see Bath; Respirator; Sylph. Aix, see Fairy. Ajar, see Proboscis. ] Alderman, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Alderman, see Refusal. Aldrovinus, Father, see Half. Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers, see Lore. ] Alien, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Alimentary, see Heart. ] Allah, n, The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth. Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, Page 7 And ever for the sins of man have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. Junker Barlow [Ci;Cr;D;S] Allegiance, n. This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Allegiance, see Justice. ] Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Alligator, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Allopathy, see Homoeopathy. ] Alone, adj. In bad company. In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone. Booley Fito [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Altar, n. The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestines of the sacrificial victim for the pur- poses of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool. They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame. M. P. Nopput [Ci;D;S] [ Page 8 Altgeld, see Respite. Ambassador, see Exile; Minister. ] Ambidextrous, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Ambition, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Amer-Indian, see Red-skin. America, see Kilt; Lord; Majesty; Scarabaeus. American, see Introduction; Ramshackle; Tope; Yankee; Zeus. Americanus dominans, see Pickaninny. Amica curiae, see Law. Amiens, see Ghoul. Amil, Ro, see Babe; Peace. ] Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Amuck, see Opposition. Anacreon, see Grape. Ananias, see Inscriptions. Anarchist, see Capital; Dictator; Geology; Republic; Sheriff. Anathematized, see Reliquary; Trial. Ancestor, see Genealogy; Geology. Anchorite, see Coenobite. Anchovies, see Soul. Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers, see Inauspi- ciously. Ancient Order of Modern Troglodyes, see Regalia. Page 9 Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs, see Regalia. Angel, see Gunpowder; Trinity; Wrath. Angel, Recording, see Diary. Angel of the Annunciation, see Reliquary. Anglican Church, see Everlasting. Anglo-Saxons, see Redress. Annunciation, see Reliquary. ] Anoint, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. Judibras [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Anonymous, see Story. Anteprandial, see Precipitate. Anthony, Susan, see Woman. ] Antipathy, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Antique statues, see Geology. Apache, see Photograph. Apartment, see Troglodyte. Ape, see Opera; Sacred; Story; Zany. ] Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697 [Ci;Cr;D;S] ___ ___ ___________ [ Apollo, see Laurel; Wrath. ] Page 10 Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Apostate, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh tur- tle. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Apothecary, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider. When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Appeal, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. [Ci;Cr;D;P] [ Appellate, see Posterity. Appertain, see Sacred. ] Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question. [Cr;D;P;S] [ Appetite, see Pig; Soul. ] Applause, n. The echo of a platitude. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Apple, see Responsibility; Symbolic. ] April Fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Aquarium, see Debt. Arabian, see Lore; Rabble. Arasthus, see Obsessed. Arbiter, see Projectile. Arboreal, see Pedigree. Page 11 Archaelogy, see Tomb. Archangel, see Satan. ] Archbishop, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon, and flounders and smelts; On the other days everything else. Joho Rem [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Archbishop, see Infidel; Macrobian; Zany. Archbishop of Canterbury, see Primate; Soul. Archbishop of Rheims, see Obsessed; Religion. Archdeacon, see Infidel. Archimedes, see Youth. ] Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Architecture, see Gargoyle; Ramshackle. ] Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Arena, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Arimaxus, see Birth. ] Aristocracy, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fel- lows that wear downy hats and clean shirts -- guilty of edu- cation and suspected of bank accounts. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Aristocratese, see Rabble. Aristophanes, see Frog. Aristotle, see Peripatetic; Zoology. Page 12 Arithmetic, see Quotient. ] Armor, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Army, see Pleonasm. Army War College, see Story. Arn, Durang Gophel, see Keep. Arnegriff, Barauch, see Yesterday. Arnold, Matthew, see Perfection. ] Arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamp-post. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Arrest, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh -- The Unauthorized Version [Ci;Cr;D;S] Arsenic, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. 'Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than to put it in my teacup." Joel Huck [Ci;Cr;D;S] Art, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name! Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain his fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed, the populace the rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, And inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And sell their garments to support the priests. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 13 [ Art, see Dullard; Realism; Replica; Rubbish; Sophistry. Artillery, see Projectile. Artisan, see Lord. ] Artlessness, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid sim- plicity of his young. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Aryan race, see Tope. Asceticus, Arsenius, see Scarification. ] Asperse, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious ac- tions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. [Ci;D;P;S] Ass, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De ____ ___ __ Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a _____ __ ____________ god; and such as we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, and the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and mag- nitude, rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine. "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King! Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else; the Mule, the Mule is thine!" G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Ass, see Cunning; Epigram; Great; Halo; Looking-glass; Magnificent; Quill; Reliquary; Trial; Vanity. Ass god, see Ass. Page 14 Assassin, see Absolute; Accordian; Capital; Coronation; Respite; Rope. Associated Deities of the Butter Trade, see Regalia. Associated Poets, see Table D' Hote. Assyria, see Inadmissible. Astrology, see Responsibility. Astronomy, see Observatory. Asylum, see Mad. Atheist, see Religion. Athens, see Clio; Soul. Atholston, see Ghoul. Atom, see Molecule. Atonement, see Polygamy. Attack, see Defenceless. Attitude, see Abasement. Attorney, see Lawyer. ] Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. [Ci;D;S] [ Audit, see Deputy. Augur, see Inauspiciously. Aulis, see Inferiae. Aurator, Semprello, see Basilisk. Aureola, see Halo. ] Australia, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose in- dustrial and commercial development has been unspeakably re- tarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island. [Ci;D;S] [ Austria, see Ultimatum. Page 15 Author, see Goose. Automobile, see Pedestrian. ] Avernus, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the in- fernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal re- gions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. Facilis descensus Averni, _______ _________ _______ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence. Jehal Dai Lupe [Ci;D;S] [ Axe, see Hatchet; Satan. Aztecs, see Feast. ] Page 16 -----B----- Baal, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory in the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "Bab- ble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Babble, see Baal. ] Babe or Baby, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses from whose adventure in the bul- rushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented The girls were contented. Now man is tormented Until to buy babes he has squandered His money. And so I have pondered This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had been eagled or condored. Ro Amil [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Babel, tower of, see Baal. Baboon, see Story. Baby, see Babe; Cupid; Ridicule. Baby-carriage, see Hearse. ] Page 17 Bacchus, n. A deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Is public worship, then, a sin. That for devotions paid to Bacchus The lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us? Jorace [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Bacilli, see Commonwealth; House; Monad. ] Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Bad, see Optimism. Bad-egging, see Administration. Bad workman blames his tools, see Saw. ] Bait, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palat- able. The best kind is beauty. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Balaam, see Ass; Reliquary. Ball-and-chain, see Affianced. Ballot, see Suffrage. Baltimore, see Youth. Baltimost, see Youth. Band of Brutes, see Regalia. Bank Robber, see Misdemeanor. Banker, see Rarebit. ] Baptism, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Page 18 Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And by matching their agues tertian. G.J. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Baptism, see Avernus; Deluge. Barbers, see Roundhead. Baring-Gould, see Lore. Barkeeper, see Story. Barlow, Junker, see Allah. ] Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Barrack, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Barry, General, see Story. Baseball, see Decalogue (IV); Monday. ] Basilisk, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels deny this creature's ex- istence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying. [Ci;D;S] [ Bastard, see Scimetar. ] Bastinado, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Bath, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for reli- gious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, Page 19 And, for he's boiled to a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With the dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow [Ci;Cr;D;S illus (next pages)] [ Baton, see Private. Bats, see Female. ] Battle, n. A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Battle of Blenheim, see Inadmissible. Bawd, see Prude. Bayonet, see Controversy. Beadles, see Infidel. Beads, see Severalty. Beadsmen, see Infidel. Beak, see Rostrum. Bear, see Hibernate. ] Beard, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Beautiful, see Optimism. ] Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Beauty, see Bait; Replica. Beauty and the Brisbane, see Lore. Bed-gown, see Envelope. Bedder, see Lodger. Bedlam, see Magdalene. Page 20 Beecher, Henry Ward, see Bounty. Beef-eating, see Tope. Beelzebub, see Baal. Beer bottles, see Geology. Beetle, see House. ] Befriend, v.t. To make an ingrate. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Beg, v. To ask for something with an earnestness propor- tioned to the belief that it will not be given. Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. Why did they put him there, father? Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. His belly? Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days and his cry Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" What's the matter with pie? With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful -- improper as well. Why didn't he work? He would even have done that, But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" I mention these incidents merely to show That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, But for trifles -- Pray what did bad Mendicant do? Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. Is that all, father dear? There is little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well. Page 21 The company's better than here we can boast, And there's -- Bread for the needy, dear father? Um -- toast. Atka Mip [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Beggar, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's translation of the following lines in the Dies Irae: ____ _____ Recordare, Jesu pie, __________ ____ ____ Quod sum causa tuae viae. ____ ___ _____ ____ _____ Ne me perdas illa die. __ __ ______ ____ ____ Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Behead, see Acephalous; Cabbage; Redundant; Reliquary; Scimetar; Soul; Zenith. Bel, see Baal. Bell, see Excommunication. ] Belladonna, n. In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. [Ci;D;P, illus (out of order);S illus] [ Belus, see Baal. Bem, Oogum, see King. ] Benedictines, n. A order of monks otherwise known as black friars. She thought it a crow, but it turned out to be A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next. "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) [Ci;D;S] ___ _____ __ _____ [ Benefaction, see Palm; Scarification. Page 22 ] Benefactor, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingrati- tude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Benefactor, see Restitutor. Beneficiaries, see Infidel. Bequest, see Restitution. Bereavement, see Condole. Berne, see Trial. ] Berenice's Hair, n. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named ____ _________ in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Berosus, see Baal. Berserkers, see Tope. Betray, see Fidelity. Better late than never, see Saw. Bettle, Armit Huff, see Friendship. Bezer, see Refuge. Bib, see Tope. Bible, see Ass; Inadmissible; Revelation; Satire. Bible ("revised" edition), see Decalogue. Bible (Authorized Version), see Baptism. Bible (Unauthorized Version), see Arrest. Page 23 Bicycle, see Smithareen. ] Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy. [Ci;Ci;Cr;D;S] Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Bill, see Duck-bill; Envelope; Whangdepootenawah. ] Billingsgate, n. The invective of an opponent. [Ci;D;S] [ Bink, Anonymous, see Wall Street. Bink, Sir Abednego, see Right. Bink, Joel Frad, see Experience. Binkerhoof, Ludwig, see Gnome. Biographical Alphabet, see Meekness. Biography of a Dead Cow, see Story. Bird, see Hog; Ostrich; Rostrum. Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, see Saw. ] Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount AEtna, and I myself have seen a man come out of a wine cellar. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Bishop, see Archbishop; Infidel; Unction; Zany. Bishop Kip, see Hibernate. Bishop of Lausanne, see Trial. Bishop of Salisbury, see Hades. Bishop of Worcester, see Everlasting. Page 24 Bishop Potter, see Foreordination; Frying-pan; Homiletics. Bishop Wilberforce, see Oleaginous. Bismark, see Medal Bjorsen, see Gnome. Black, see Optimist; White. Black (race), see African; Minstrel; Pickaninny; Razor. Black Forest, see Gnome. ] Blackguard, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. [Ci;D;S] [ Blackmailer, see Lickspittle. Blacksmith, see Armor. ] Blank-verse, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot accept- ably write any kind. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Blasphemer, see Half. Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff, see Regalia. Blavatsky, Madame, see Theosophy. Blazes, Helen, see Story. Blenn, Dr. Jeremiah, see Digestion. Blessing, see Imposition. Blight, see Dullard. Bliss, see Kiss. Block, Mr. Rudolph, see Story. Blood, see Ichor. Bludgeon, see Dullard. Blue, see Presentable. Page 25 Bobe, Anita M., see Close-fisted. ] Body-snatcher, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who sup- plies the young physicians with that which the old physi- cians have supplied for the under-taker. The hyena. "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all, When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall. "While waiting for the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About a new-made grave, and then Began to excavate its brink! "Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And, falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade." Bettel K. Jhones [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Boeotia, see Dullard. Bok, Mr. Edward, see Proboscis. Bolus, see Baal. Bondman, see Emancipation. Bones, see Geology. Bonezs, see Infidel. ] Bondsman, n. A fool, who having property of his own, under- takes to become responsible for that entrusted by another to a third. Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. "I need no bonds- men," he replied, "for I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Book, see Erudition; Excommunication. Boomp, Oglum P., see Quiver. Page 26 Boop, John, see Overeat. Boorioboola-Gha, see Presentable. Boots, see Geology. Booze, see Tope. ] Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Boreaplas, see Rubbish. Bored, see Tedium. Borelli, see Ignorance. Borey the Bald, see Road. Borrow, see Acquaintance. ] Botany, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, in- artistic in color, and ill-smelling. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Bottle-fed, see Mammalia. ] Bottle-nosed, adj. Having a nose crested in the image of its maker. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary right of the other. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Boundary, see Cannon. ] Bounty, n. The liberality of one who has much, permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can. A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.-- Henry Ward Beecher [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 27 Bow-and-arrow, see Quiver. Bowels, see Diaphram; In'ards. Bowen, Orpheus, see Prehistoric; Preside. Bowery, see Medicine. Bowman, James F., see Serial. Bragellos, see Lunarians. ] Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor that is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, main- tained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of the Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely -- You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Brahmins, see Infidel. ] Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be some- thing from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high sta- tion, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Brain, see Radium. ] Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and- light[n]ing, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero would ven- ture to drink it. [Ci;D;S] [ Brandy-and-soda, see Tope. Page 28 Brass band, see Story. Brateille, P`ere, see Inferiae. Brave Knights Kennelers, see Knight. Brayfugle, Professor, see Guillotine. Braymance, Martha, see Liberty. Brazil, see Retribution. Bread, see Beg; Caaba; Deliberation; Wheat. Breakfast, see Dejeuner. Breaking into the Spotlight, see Regalia. Brekekex-koaex, see Frog. Brewbold, Sir Thomas, see Indecision. ] Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Bridge-girder, see Tree. Brillat-Savarin, see Eat. Bristol, England, see Macrobian. Britain, see Druids. British, see Tope. British Museum, see Seal. Broad-Blown Peacock, see Regalia. Broadway, see Medicine. Brokers, see Wall Street. Brone, Golgo, see Redemption. Brown, see Preside. Brown, Israfel, see Disobey. Brownrigg, Dr., see T. Brubuddy, Hassan, see Famous. Page 29 Brune, Conmore Apel, see Controversy. Brune, Scopas, see Mummy. ] Brute, n. See Husband. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Brute, see Regalia. Bryan, Col., see Safety-Clutch. Bryan, William, see Whangdepootenawah. Buddhism, see Freemasons; Nirvana; Theosophy. Buffalo, see Gnu. Buffon, see Zoology. Buffone, see Zany. Bull, see Trial. Bullets, see Lead. Bulrushes, see Babe. Bulstrode, Marlin, see Meerschaum. Bumbleshook, J. H., see Editor. Bumer, Dr. Jocolpus, see G. Bungler, see Hurry. Bupp, Salder, see History. Burned at the stake, see Trial. Business, see Freebooter; Piracy. Butter Trade, see Regalia. Buxter, Joel, see Rumor. Byron, see Enthusiasm. Bystanders, see Riot. ] Page 30 -----C----- Caaba, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved in Mecca. The pa- triarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Cabagius, see Cabbage. Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians, see Regalia. Cabalistic words, see Seal. ] Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Cabbage, see Zenith. Cackle, see Platitude. Caesar, Julius, see Druids; Freemasons. Cain, see Pre-Adamite. Cajee, John Elmer Pettibone, see Sheriff. Calabrian, see Macrobian. ] Calamity, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to Page 31 ourselves, and good fortune to others. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Calcraft the Hangman, see Linen. Calendar, see Sabbath. Calf, see Rarebit. California, see Sandlotter; Tenacity. California State University, see Heathen. ] Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear evils af- flicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his dis- ciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Caloyers, see Infidel. Calumniator, see Saint. ] Calumnus, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Calvin, see Frying-pan; Reprobation. ] Camel, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great ________ ___________ value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Canada, see Man. Candle, see Excommunication. Candleton, W. G., see Renown. ] Cannibal, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Page 32 Cannibalism, see Frying-pan. ] Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Cannon-shot, see Abrupt. Cannonball, see Controversy. Canon, see Infidel; Whangdepootenawah. Canonesses, see Infidel. ] Canonicals, n. The motley worn by the Jesters in the Court of Heaven. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Canterbury, see Primate. Canterbury Cathedral, see Reliquary. Capel, Monsignor, see Inferiae. ] Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table, and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Capital Punishment, [n.] A penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all as- sassins -- entertain grave misgivings. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Capital Punishment, see Capital. Capitation Tax, see Head-Money. Capitulars, see Infidel. Captains of Industry, see Misdemeanor. Carcassonne, see Salamander. Cardinal, see Infidel. Cardinal Gibbons, see Foreordination. Caries, see Love. Carlyle, see Romance. ] Page 33 Carmelite, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. A Death was a-riding out one day, Across Mount Carmel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and saucy as sin, Who held out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in the name of the Church. O give. Give that her holy sons may live!" And Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride." With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and put Him astride with his face to the rear. The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, Will ride to the devil! -- and thump Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away. Faster and faster and faster it flew, 'Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild, wide eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head and objecting To further proceedings in its behalf. Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his horse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray, Page 34 Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was appointed Prior. G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Carnegie, Andrew, see Wall Street. ] Carnivorous, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. [Ci;D;S] [ Carnivorous, see Sarcophagus. Carpenter, see Sarcophagus. Carpet, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Cartesian, Adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philoso- pher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- ______ ____ ___ whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think ______ ______ ____ ______ ___ that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Cashiers, see Abscond. Cassandra, see Youth. Castor, see Birth. ] Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. This is a dog, This is a cat, This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat, Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. Elevenson [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S illus] [ Cat, see Fiddle; Hag; Regalia; Sacred; Theosophy. Catacombs of Paris, see Freemasons. Page 35 Catacombs of Rome, see Freemasons. Caterer, see Table D' Hote. Caucasians, see Pigmy; Razor; Russian. Cause and effect, see Effect. Caution, see Accountability. Cavalier, see Roundhead. Cavalry, see Dragoon. Cave of Adullam, see Troglodyte. Cave-dweller, see Troglodyte. Caviar, see Heart; Soul. ] Caviler, n. A critic of our own work. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Celts, see Druids. ] Cemetery, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games: His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his family, who shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara. -- Thomas M. and Mary Frazer P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Cenobites, see Infidel. Censor, see Editor. Census, see Wrath. ] Centaur, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of dif- ferentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, Page 36 "Every man his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who, to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleet- ness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history. [Ci;D;S] [ Cerathians, see K. ] Cerberus, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear: everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is know[n] to have had three heads, and some poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely conclusive if Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic. [Ci;D;S] [ Cesspool, see Regalia. Ceylon, see Prospect; Sacred. Chain, see Debt. Channel Islands, see Incubus. Chaos, see Freemasons. Chaplain, see Infidel; Obsessed. Character assassination, see Rumor. Charger, see Centaur. Charity, see Delusion; Ingrate. Charlemagne, see Freemasons. Charles II, see Freemasons. Charlotte, Miss, see Smithareen. Charm-sellers, see Infidel. Chastity, see Cross; Ruin. Chaucer, see Orthography. Cheating, see Decalogue (VIII); Occident; Peace. Page 37 Chest (diseases), see Diaphram. Cheyenne, see Photograph. Chicago, see Fool. Chickamauga, see Valor. ] Childhood, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Children, see Circus. China, see Impale. China, Great Wall, see Freemasons. Chinese, see Beard; Feast; Gunpowder; Joss-sticks. Chipchip, see Whangdepootenawah. Chiron, see Centaur. Chivalry, see Quixotic. Choruses, see Wrath. Christ, see Christian; Excommunication; Inferiae; X. ] Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fatally clad, With pious mien, appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. Then I saw gazing thoughtfully below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, stranger," I exclaimed. "You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet I entertain that hope that you, Like these good people, are a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand blushes burn Page 38 Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: "What! I a Christian? No, Indeed! I'm Christ!" G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Christian, see Elysium; Gnostics; Infidel; Mouse; Occident; Predestination; Sabbath; Tope; X. Christian Science, see Homoeopathy. Christmas, see X. Chronicles of the Classes, see Resplendent. Chrysolater, Sir Sycophas, see Income. Church, see Gargoyle; House of God; Primate. Church mortgages, see Druids. Church of England, see Druids; Fairy; Rector. Church wardens, see Infidel. Circular reasoning, see Gravitation. Cigarette, see Pedigree. ] Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Civilian, see Recruit. Civility, see Urbanity. Civilization, see Fool; Inventor; Lock-and-key; Noise; Sauce; Sylph. ] Clairvoyant, n. A person, commonly a women, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Clarionet, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet -- two clarionets. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Clark, Champ, see Story. Class-Leaders, see Infidel. Page 39 Cleaver, see Technicality. ] Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Clergyman, see LL.D; Sacerdotalist. Clerks, see Commonwealth; Infidel. Climate, see Weather. ] Clio, n. One of the nine Muses, Clio's function was to pre- side over history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus, and other popular speakers. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Clio, see Prehistoric. ] Clock, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is. There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an hour without it." Purzil Crofe [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Close-fisted, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain. "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See me --- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Said Jamie: "That is very true -- The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to you, Who have what you are lacking." Anita M. Bobe [Ci;D;P;S] [ Clothing, see Armor; Canonicals; Ghost; Linen; Machination; Pantaloons; Presentable; Tail; Tights. Page 40 Clover, see Youth. Clown, see Zany. Club, see Mace. Coadjutor, Georgius, see Ribroaster. Cobbler, see Last. Cock, see Basilisk; Reliquary; Trial. Cockatrice, see Basilisk. Cockroach, see House. ] Coenobite, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to medi- tate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick. Quincy Giles [Ci;D;S] [ Coffin, see Envelope; Sarcophagus. Cogito ergo sum, see Cartesian. Coin, see Income. Coincidence, see Plagiarism. Colchester, see Fairy. Coleridge, see War. Colic, see Symbolic. Coloni, see Macrobian. Columbia University, see LL.D. ] Comfort, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Command, see Disobey. Page 41 Commandments, Ten, see Decalogue. ] Commendation, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Commentary, see Abracadabra; Revelation. ] Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. [Ci;Cr;D;P, illus (out of order);S] [ Commerce, see Merchant; Occident; Piracy; Price. Committee on Finance, see Quorum. ] Commonwealth, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically ac- tive but fortuitously efficient. This commonwealth's capital's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat can not slip through the thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On clerks and on pages and on porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster befall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stone; May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. K.Q. [Ci;D;S] [ Compassion (personified), see Respite. Compositor, see Proof-reader. Page 42 ] Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Compulsion, n. The eloquence of power. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Comte, see Positivism. Concessions, see Ultimatum. ] Condole, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Conduct, see Behavior. Confession, see Acknowledge; Sorcery. Confessors, see Infidel. ] Confidant Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Confidence Man, see Lickspittle. Confucius, see Freemasons. ] Congratulation, n. The civility of envy. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Congress, see Executive; Rear. Connecticut, see Cremona. ] Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured upon his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873." he murmured and died. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 43 Conquerors, see Nose. Conscience, see Forgetfulness; Oath; Price; Rice-water. Consecrating, see Imposition. Consensus, see Referendum. Conservatism, see Radicalism. ] Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to re- place them with others. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more un- fortunate than yourself. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ Constables, see Executive. Constantinople, see Infidel. Constitutional, see Executive. ] Consul, n. In American politics a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Ad- ministration on condition that he leave the country. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Consult, v.t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Continent, see Australia. Contradiction (Logic), see Fib. Contributory negligence, see Right. Contrition, see Heart. ] Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannonball and the inconsiderate bayonet. In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, And like a snake that's fastened to the ground, Page 44 With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle is done? Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well remarked," or, "By the way, This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through your argument," Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trust And prove your views intelligent and just. Conmore Apel Brune [Ci;Cr;D;S] Convent, n. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Conventionality, see Usage. ] Conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the ar- rangement for his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Convulsio spargens, see Laughter. Cooking, see Frying-pan. Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight, see Regalia. Coople, Jum, see Zeal. Copy, see Replica. Corkscrew, see T. ] Coronation, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Corporal, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder. Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." Giacomo Smith [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 45 Corporal, see Pleonasm. ] Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining indivi- dual profit without individual responsibility. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Corporation, see Refusal; Trust. Corpuscle, see Molecule. ] Corsair, n. A politician of the seas. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Corset, see Adamant. Costermonger, see Lord. County, see Sheriff. Courageous, see Projectile. ] Court Fool, n. The plaintiff. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Court, see Duty; Jester; Posterity. Coveting, see Decalogue (X). Cow, see Zoology. Cow in India, see Sacred. Cow's tail, see Presentable. ] Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Craft, n. A fool's substitute for brains. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Crayfish, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible. In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only backwards, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward. -- Sir Fames Marvel [Ci;D;S] Page 46 [ Creation, see Arrest; Female; Ocean; Pre-Adamite; Pre-existence; Sabbath. Credibility, see Prophecy. Credible, see Proof. ] Creditor, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incur- sions. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Cremona, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. [Ci;D;S] [ Crime, see Accomplice. Criminal, see Alderman. ] Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please be- cause nobody tries to please him. There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud. And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows sore to recognize The missiles that he threw. Orrin Goof [Ci;D;S illus] [ Critic, see Caviler; Publish. Crocodile, see Alligator; Sacred. Crofe, Purzil, see Clock. Cromwell, Oliver, see Abridge; Obsessed. ] Cross, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its significance to the most solemn event in the his- tory of Christianity, but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been believed to be identical with the crux ansata of the ancient phallic worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of Page 47 benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade various charms before us. But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner? Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?) Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin --- don't let him. [Ci;D;S] [ Crowd, see Multitude. Crucify, see Redemption. Crusader, see Acephalous. Crusades, see Dullard. Crux ansata, see Cross. ] Cui Bono? (Latin). What good would that do me? [Ci;D;S] [ Cumber, see Aborigines. ] Cunning, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from a strong one. It brings its possessor much men- tal satisfaction and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier gets the skins of more foxes than asses." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Cupasians, see Ass. Cupel, see Reality. ] Cupid, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation Page 48 of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and in- appropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless and of- fensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving its birth, laid it on the doorstep of posterity. [Ci;D;S illus] [ Cupid, see Forma Pauperis. Cupidity, see Property. Cur, see Elegy; Honorable. Curate, see Infidel; Rector; Zany. Cure's, see Infidel. ] Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with cu- riosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. [Ci;D;P;S] Curse, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance. [Ci;D;S] [ Cursing, see Decalogue (III). Custom, see Usage. Customs, see Harbor. Cyclone, see Gnu; Hurricane. ] Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Cyrus, see Freemasons. ] Page 49 -----D----- [ D'Addosio, see Trial. D.D., see LL.D. Dactyl, Terry, see Deinotherium. Dagger, see Misericorde. Dakota, see Ass. Dalai Lama of Thibet[Tibet], see Sacred. Dam, Professor, see Heart. ] Damn, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of satisfaction, im- plying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently oc- curs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Damnation, see Evangelist; Excommunication; Reprobation. Damnator Diaboli, see LL.D. Damyank, see Yankee. ] Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Dance, see Scarabee. ] Page 50 Danger, n. A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. Ambat Delaso [Ci;D;S] [ Dar, Xamba P., see Duel. ] Daring, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Darwinian, see Story. Darwinian selection, see Dawn. ] Datary, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum Romae. He enjoys a prin- _____ _____ cely revenue and the friendship of God. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Daubert, see Picture. David, see Troglodyte; Wrath. ] Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk on an empty stomach, and otherwise mortify- ing the flesh. They then point with pride to these prac- tices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, bit in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper -- in former devoted to the sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ De trop, see Redundant. Deacons, see Infidel. ] Page 51 Dead, adj. Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Through to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole! Squatol Johnes [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Dead, see Eulogy; Feast; Funeral; Ghoul; Grave; Hades; Hyena; Manes; Martyr; Mausoleum; Non-Combatant; R.I.P; Requiem; Sarcophagus; Tomb; Unction; Worms'-meat. Dead animals, see Fork. Deadcatting, see Administration; Nominate. Deans, see Infidel. Death, see Entertainment; Epaulet; Epitath; Longevity. Death (personified), see Carmelite; Hearse. Death angel, see Commonwealth. Death Warrant, see Executive. Debate, see Sophistry. ] Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Debility, see Pastime. Debs, Eugene, see Riches; Redundant. ] Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it. Barlow S. Vode [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 52 Debt, see Owe. Debtor, see Forgetfulness. ] Decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough to permit an intelligent selection for obser- vance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball. Honor thy parents. That creates For life insurance lower rates. Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shall not pay thy butcher's bill. Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caress. Don't steal; Thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat. Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." Covet thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got. G.J. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Decapitate, see Behead; Soul; Scimetar. ] Decide, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another. A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he. The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." Page 53 The east wind rose with greater force. Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." With equal powers they content. He said: "My judgment I suspend." Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it all all. G.J. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Decision, see Reconsider. Declaration of Independence, see Abridge; Introduction. ] Defame, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Defendant, see Trial. ] Degenerate, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking exam- ples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of re- turning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Deglutition, see Eat. ] Degradation, n. One of the stages of moral and social pro- gress from private station to political preferment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Deinotherium, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 54 Deities of the Butter Trade, see Regalia. Dejection, see Elegy; Entertainment; Pastime; Pleasure; Recreation. ] Dejeuner, n. The breakfast of an American who has been to Paris. Variously pronounced. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Delaso, Ambat, see Danger; Tortoise. Delectatio Demonorum, see Heart. ] Delegation, n. In American politics, an article of mer- chandise that comes in sets. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to deter- mine which side it is buttered on. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Deliberative, see Preside; Quorum. Delight, see Damn. Deliverance, see Redemption. ] Deluge, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Deluge, see Baal. ] Delusion, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affect, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters. All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. Mumfrey Mappet [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Delusion, see Rational. Demeanor, see Prude. Demi-tasse, see Platitude. Democracy, see Right. Page 55 Demons, see Incubus; Pandemonium. Demos and the Infant Industry, see Lore. Denarius, see Inauspiciously. ] Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Dependent, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Depew, Senator Chauncey, see Macrobian; Die. Depotism, see Dictator. ] Deputy, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs ex- tending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust. "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole amount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired your punctual way -- Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in your chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures violent you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in your look That brings the noisiest to book And spread a holy and profound Tranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That you employ your genius vast In energies more active. Rise And shake the lightnings from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Page 56 Upon the Deputy's bent back, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling shell, A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a twelvemonth dead. Jamrach Holobom [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Dervise, see Imposition; Infidel. DesCartes, see Cartesian. Desdemona, see Handkerchief. Desire, see Hope. Despot, see Fashion; Republic; Soul. ] Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Destroy, see Ruin. Detraction, see Absent; Illustrious. Devil, see Female; Idleness; Introduction; Obsessed; Quorum; Sacred; Satan; Seine; Smithareen; Telephone; Trinity; Wall Street; Zany. Devil on Earth, see Benedictines. ] Diagnosis, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Diaphragm, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Diaphragm, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Diary, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: "Thank you; 'twill show you I an Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. Page 57 The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little room, And hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. "The Mad Philosopher" [Ci;D;P;S] ___ ___ ___________ [ Dice, see Appeal; Die; Recount. ] Dictator, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Die, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Digestion, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are greater suffers from dyspepsia. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Digestion, see Heart. Dii Manes, see Inferiae. Dike, A. Percival, see Limb. Dine, see Overeat Dinosaur, see Deinotherium. Diocesan, see Infidel; Reliquary. Page 58 Diomed, see Ichor. Dionysius, see Satyr. Dionysius I, see Soul. ] Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. [Ci;D;S] [ Diplomacy, see Machination; Minister; Plenipotentiary; Ultimatum; Zanzibari. Dirge, see Requiem. Disability, see Platonic. ] Disabuse, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it advanta- geous to embrace. [Ci;D;S] [ Disappointment, see Present. Disaster, see Birth; Whangdepootenawah. Disbelief, see Pyrrhonism. Disciples of the Hidden Faith, see Regalia. ] Discriminate, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. [Ci;D;P (out of order);S] Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their er- rors. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Disease, see Emotion; Enthusiasm; Laughter; Potable. Disillusion, see Predilection. Dismal Swamp, see Rice-water. ] Disobedience, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servi- tude. [Ci;D;P;S] Disobey, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. His right to govern me is clear as day, Page 59 My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shun May I and duty be alike undone. Israfel Brown [Ci;D;S] [ Dispair, see Patience. Disraeli, see Oleaginous. ] Dissemble, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. -- Adam [Ci;D;P;S] [ Dissent, see Mace. Dissenters, see Druids. ] Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs' and keep. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Distemper, see Enthusiasm. ] Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. [Ci;D;P;S] [ District of Columbia, see Gunpowder. Diversiones Sanctorum, see Soul. ] Divination, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the early fool. [Ci;D;S] [ Divination, see Altar. Divine right, see Coronation; Right. Divines, see Infidel. Divining-rod, see Rhadomancer. Doctrine, see Reliquary. Document, see Envelope. Page 60 Dodle, see Land. ] Dog, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his smaller and silkier incar- nations, takes, in the affection of Women, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a sur- vival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his mas- ter worked for the means wherewith to purchase an idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Dog, see Editor; Effect; Elegy; Geology; House-Dog; Regalia; Reverence; Trial; Zeus. Dog god, see Dog. Doke, Arion Spurl, see Great. Doke, Mary, see Ichor. Domestic Dog, see Regalia. Domestication, see Woman. Domination, see Incompatibility. Doncas, Pollo, see Imposition. Donkey, see Editor. Door, see Proboscis. Dorians, see Ramshackle. Dort, Barel, see Jester. Doubloons, see Geology. ] Dragoon, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback. [Ci;D;S] Dramatist, n. One who adapts plays from the French. [Ci;D;S] [ Drayton, see Hag. Dream, see Reality. Page 61 Drigge, Dr., see R.I.P. Drink, see Regalia. Drinking, see Bacchus; Brandy; Carmelite; Feast; Geology; Potable; Teetotaler; Wheat. ] Druids, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic reli- gion which did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not ap- pear to have obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talents for human sacrifice was con- siderable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket sys- tem of pew rents. They were, in short, heathens, and -- as they were once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- Dissenters. [Ci;D;S] [ Drum-major, see Vanity. Duchess of Orleans, see Saint. ] Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season. [D;S] Duel, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconcilia- tion of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satis- factory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud, or with a spot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, or stab, or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge me they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands, and banners! Xamba P. Dar [Ci;D;P;S] Page 62 [ Duke, Apperton, see Man. Dukes of Eden, see Regalia. Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool, see Regalia. ] Dullard, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a a bludgeon and they laugh with a plati- tude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they where driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence, and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower and made a favorable report of the _________ country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conver- sion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, in- cluding the statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New Eng- land Dullard is the most shockingly moral. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Dullard, see Platitude. Dumb, see Truthful. Dumble, see Ignorance. Dumping permitted sign, see Flag. Dunce, see Divination; Ethnology; Vituperation. Dunk, Pobeter, see Grave. Dupe, see Palmistry. Dust, see Erudition. Dust to Dust, see R.I.P. ] Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Page 63 Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, But his duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead. G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Duty, see Valor. Dynamite bomb, see Coronation. Dynasty, see Dullard. Dyspepsia, see Digestion; Glutton. ] Page 64 -----E----- [ Eagle, see Hippogriff. Ears, see Magnificent; Reliquary. Earthquake, see Gnu. ] Eat, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner." said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Eating, see Fork. ] Eavesdrop, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips on converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" Gopete Sherany [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Ecclesiastic, see Infidel; Sacred. Page 65 Ecclesiastic order, see Ramshackle. ] Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Eden, see Regalia. ] Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. [Ci;Cr;D;P illus (out of order);S] [ Edifice, see House. Edited, see Saint. ] Editor, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and AEacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey, intoning its prayer to the even- ing star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs in- tertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos. O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himself is an ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp-follower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected, Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Page 66 Respected comtemporaree! J. H. Bumbleshook [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Editor, see Lickspittle; Luminary; Sycophant. ] Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and dis- guises from the foolish their lack of understanding. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Edward, see King's Evil. Eel, see Politician; Tenacity. ] Effect, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for who who has never seen a dog except in pur- suit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Egg, see Ovation; Platitude; Vanity. Egg, Hard-Boiled, see Heart. ] Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in him- self than in me. Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said: "Go away, for we settle here All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speaker demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Egypt, see Babe; Embalm; Freemasons; Meekness; Mummy; Sacred; Scarabaeus; Tomb. ] Ejection, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garru- lity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 67 Elders, see Infidel. Election, see Loss; President; Recount. ] Elector, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Elector, see Preside. Electric light, see Leonine. Electrician, see Hangman. ] Electricity, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particulary in France, when a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching account of his life and services to science: "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of elec- tricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and in- dustries. The question of its economic ap- plication to some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and gives more light than a horse. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Electricution, see Rope. Electroplated Shrine, see Regalia. ] Elegy, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employ- ing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat this this: The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; Page 68 The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Elephant, see Circus; Female; Great; Proboscis. Elevator, see Safety-Clutch. Elevenson, see Cat. ] Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Elysium, n. An imaginary delightful country which the an- cients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was slept off the face of the earth by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Elysian Fields, see Hades. ] Emancipation, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself. He was a slave; at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Embalm, v.t. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and and veget- able life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or en- riching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutaeus maximus. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Embezzle, see Abscond. Emetic, see Russian. Eminences, see Infidel. ] Page 69 Emotion, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Employee, see Abasement. Emulation, see Envy. ] Encomiast, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. [Ci;Cr;D;S] End, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor. The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine: The seal of death was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. "This is the end." the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones. Tinley Roquot [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Endowment, see Restitution; Scarification. Enemy, see Callous; Contempt; Outdo. England, see Fairy; Frankalmoigne; Laureate; Primate; Technicality. English (language), see Belladonna. English civil war, see Roundhead. Enlightenment, see Lock-and-key; Sauce. Ennui, see Tedium. ] Enough, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast and the platter. Arbely C. Strunk [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Enough, see Once. ] Page 70 Entertainment, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by dejection. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Entertainment, see Riot. ] Enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of ex- perience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Enthusiasm, see Delusion. Entrails, see Fiddle. Entuzy-Muzy, see Enthusiasm. ] Envelope, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love- letter. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Envious, see Rich. ] Envy, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Envy, see Illustrious. ] Epaulet, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of the lower rank to whom his death would give promotion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Epicure, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philoso- pher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification of the senses. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Epicurus, see Epicure. ] Epigram, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, fre- quently characterized by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: Page 71 We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration. In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity. There are three sexes; males, females and girls. Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this way: they seem to the un- thinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of. While your friend holds you affec- tionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his. [Ci;D;S] [ Epigram, see Platitude. Episcolopian church, see Sacerdotalist. Epistle, see Piety. ] Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God forgive it! [Ci;D;P;S] [ Epitath, see Loss; Pie. Erasmus, see Folly. Erl-King, see Lore. ] Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. Romach Pute [Ci;D;P;S illus] Page 72 [ Escobius, Sotus, see Hibernate. ] Esoteric, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophers were of two kinds, -- ex- ___ oteric, those that the philosophers themselves could partly ______ understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could under- ________ stand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Eternity, see Past; Present. Ether, see Molecule; Ubiquity. ] Ethnology, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Etruscans, see Ass. Etyomology, see Baal; Belladonna; Hades; Miscreant. ] Eucharist, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect Theo- phagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Eucharist, see Ubiquity. ] Eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Euphrosyne, see Graces. Europe, see Dullard; Harmonists; Righteousness; Yankee. ] Evangelist, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and Page 73 the damnation of our neighbors. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Eve, see Forma Pauperis; Respond; Responsibility. ] Everlasting, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I an not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitles, A Par- _ ____ tial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the ____ __________ __ ___ ____ ______________ __ ____ __ ___ Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was __________ _______ __ ___ ____ __________ once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and still is, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit to the soul. [Ci;D;S] [ Everlasting life, see Redemption. Eviction, see Retribution. Evidence, see Inadmissible; Proof. Evolution, see Proboscis. Exaction, see Absentee. ] Exception, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expres- sion constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means the exception ________ ______ _______ test the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Excess, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine. To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter Page 74 To make new sacrifices at thine altar! [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Excommunication, n. This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book, and candle, Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. Gat Huckle [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Excommunicated, see Trial. Execution, see Guillotine; Hangman; Impale; Infidel. ] Executive, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished ___ ________ __________ -- Pfeiffer Co., Boston, 1803: _ LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not re- quire the approval of the Supreme Court un- til having perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to exe- cute it at once. LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is part of the legislative. Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce? TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer. TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent. Page 75 LUNARIAN: But this system of maintain- ing an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have been long executed, and then only brought before the court by some private person -- does it not cause great confusion? TERRESTRIAN: It does. LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be vali- dated, not by the signature of your Presi- dent, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? TERRESTRIAN: There is not precedent for any such course. LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can anyone know? [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Exhort, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discom- fort. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Exile, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Year afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of un- paralleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he kept at the time of his reply: Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly received. War with the whole world! [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Existence, n. A transient, horrible fantastic dream. Wherein is nothing yet all do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Exoteric, see Erudition. Page 76 Expatriate, see Consul. Expectation, see Hope; Prospect. Expediency, see Moral; Immoral. ] Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. To one who, journeying through night and fog. Is mired neck-deep in a unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone. Joel Frad Bink [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Experience, see Enthusiasm; Rational. Explosions, see Urbanity. ] Expostulation, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Extinction, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 77 -----F----- [ Fable, see Platitude. Face, see Nose. Factory smoke, see Sylph. ] Fairy, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was noctur- nal in its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by natural- ists to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of Eng- land saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so af- fected that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen the abduction and been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He did not say if any of the wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which pre- scribed the death penalty for "Kyllinge, wowndynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Faith, see Delusion; Regalia. Fakeers, see Infidel. Fame, see Notoriety; Renown. ] Page 78 Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Famous, see Acquaintance. Farmer-General of the Revenues, see Robber. ] Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. What should they do? They were not hot To hazard such disaster; They dare not close an eye -- dared not See better than their master. Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers; He spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying. Naramy Oof [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fashion, see Philistine; Presentable. Fate, see Responsibility. Fate (personified), see Female; Inauspiciously. Father of the Moon, see Scimetar. Fatigue, see Recreation. Faun, see Satyr. Page 79 Favor, see Income. Fear, see Religion. ] Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually sig- nalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks, under then name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs and Peru- ________ vians, as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead, like the mod- ern, were light eaters. Among the many feasts of the Romans was the Novemdiale, which was held, according to Livy, __________ whenever stones fell from heaven. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Feast, see Enough; Laureate. Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip, see Regalia. Felis pugnans, see Woman. ] Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Felony, see Homocide; Misdemeanor. ] Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair sex. The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: "By Thine eternal law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing With deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered his advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered and observed the throw; Page 80 Then bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexile clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast, Gross organs first and finer last; No one at once evolved, but all By even touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match all living things He'd made Female, complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -- So flew away and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack That night earth rang with sounds of strife -- Ten million males had each a wife. That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! G.J. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Fertilize, see Aborigines. Festival, see Feast. ] Fib, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to the truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief By proof that even himself was not a slave To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave Had been of all her servitors the chief Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, Divide served not Naked Truth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And the facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead. Bartle Quinker [Ci;D;P;S] Fickleness, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising Page 81 affection. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fiction, see Romance. ] Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." Orm Pludge [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fiddle-faddle, see Elegy. ] Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fides defuncti, see Zenith. _____ ________ Field-marshal, see Private. Figs, see Youth. Figure-head, see Admiral. ] Finance, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious dis- coveries and possessions. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Finance, see Pandemonium; Wall Street; see Creditor. Fire, see Insurance; Salamander. Fire-and brimestone, see Retribution. Firecrackers, see Editor. Fish, see Seine. Fito, Booley, see Alone. ] Flag, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that on sees on vacant lots in London -- Page 82 "Rubbish may be shot here." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Flashawful flabbergastor, see Gunpowder. __________ _____________ Flashing Astonishers, see Regalia. Flat, see Troglodyte. Flea, see House. ] Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Flight of Birds, see Inauspiciously. ] Flop, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. [Ci;D;S] [ Florence, see Ghoul. Flowers, see Botany. Fly, see House. Fly-fed, see Dog. ] Fly-Speck, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These creatures, which have always been dis- tinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, the early writers whose works is so esteemed by later scribes and critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful instance of the law that the infancy of individu- als reproduces the methods and stages of development charac- terizing the infancy of races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is found, by the Page 83 modern investigator with his optical instrument and chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writer's ingenious and serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- Musca _____ maledicta. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the pur- _________ pose of either making the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine revelations, lay writers reverently and accurately copy whatever marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious advantages of these marks on their own work, and with such assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to understand the important services that flies perform to literature it is only neces- sary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the duration of exposure. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fog, see Rice-water. Folk-lore, see Lore. Follower, see Adherent. ] Folly, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly be his arrows thrown, Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, With lusty lung, here on this western strand With all thine offspring thronged from every land, Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Waton Gilder, gravest of us all. Aramis Loto Frope [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Folly, see Brahma. Fomry, Jonathan, see President. Page 84 Food, see Nectar; Oyster; Pie; Rarebit; Satiety; Sauce; Table D' Hote; Turkey. ] Fool, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation, and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscient, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude, and the circle of the sciences. He created pa- triotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlast- ing to everlasting -- such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon the primi- tive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the pro- cession of being. His grandmotherly hand has warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal ob- livion he will sit up to write a history of human civiliza- tion. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Fool, see April Fool; Bondsman; Circus; Court Fool; Craft; Destiny; Divination; Eccentricity; Eloquence; Expostulation; Geology; Grape; Idiot; Intimacy; Jester; Old; Platitude; Platonic; Rascal; Rhadomancer; Saint; Scrap-book; Vanity; Worms'-meat. Football, see Academy; Maiden. Forbidden, see Prospect. Forbidding, see Prospect. ] Force, n. "Force is but might," the teacher said -- "That definition's just." The boy said naught but thought instead, Remembering his pounded head: "Force is not might but must!" [Ci;D;S] [ Forecaster, see Weather. Foredoomed, see Reprobation. ] Forefinger, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 85 Foreordination, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when I remember that nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the differ- ence between foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life -- recalling these awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its sig- nification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Foreordination, see Predestination. ] Forgetfulness, n. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of put- ting dead animals onto the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Fork, see Proboscis. ] Forma Pauperis (Latin). In the character of a poor person _____ ________ -- a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. "You sue in forma pauperis, I see," Eve cried: __ _____ ________ "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Formless Void, see Freemasons. Page 86 Fort, see Abatis; Flag. Fortune, see Responsibility. Fortune, good, to others, see Calamity. Founding, see Restitution. Fountain, see Whangdepootenawah. Fox, see Cunning. Fragment, see Smithareen. France, see Electricity; Mayonnaise. Franchise, see Refusal. ] Frankalmoigne, n. The tenure by which a religious corpora- tion holds land on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraterni- ties obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to con- fiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would your master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my son," per- sisted the good man, "his act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver Him from the manifold temptations of too great wealth. [Ci;D;S] [ Franklin, Benjamin, see Electricity. Fraternal Organizations, see Regalia; Resplendent. Frazer, Clara, see Cemetary. Frazer, Mary, see Cemetary. Frazer, Thomas M., see Cemetary. Free will, see Infralapsarian. ] Freebooter, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack the sanctifying merit of magnitude. [Ci;D;S] Freedom, n. Exemption from stress of authority in a beg- garly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes Page 87 itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinc- tion between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon the pestilential blast Her clamors swell. For all to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. Blary O'Gary [Ci;Cr;D;S] Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the genera- tions of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and the Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs, of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ French, see Dejeuner; Dramatist; Wheat. French Revolution, see Guillotine; Revolution. Frenchman, see Guillotine. Friar, see Benedictines; Carmelite; Infidel. Friend, see Antipathy; Back; Befriend; Beggar; Callous; Distress; Expostulation; Friendless; Friendship. Friend in need is a friend indeed, see Saw. Page 88 ] Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Friendly warning, see Admonition. ] Friendship, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul. The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two. (High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with dreadful shout, The tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad!) Armit Huff Bettle [Ci;Cr;D;P illus (out of order);S illus] [ Friendship, see Acquaintance; Truce. ] Frog, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, in- genious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of slain frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which the Pharaoh was besought to favor the Israelites was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them fricase'es, remarked, with truly __________ oriental stoicism, that he could stand it as long as the frogs and Jews could; so the programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by Aristo- phanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koaex"; the music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling them to shine in a hurdle race. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Frope, Aramis Loto, see Folly. Frost, see Platonic. Frumpp, see Zeus. ] Frying-Pan, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The Page 89 frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cook- ing span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every house- hold in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propaga- tion of his sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees: Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter: "Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions. "Now, broiling is an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. Go set one -- fill it up with fat -- Fry sinners brown and good in't." "I know a trick worth two o' that," Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Fujiama, see Scimetar. Fulcrum, see Youth. ] Funeral, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire -- we make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. Jex Wopley [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Funeral, see Adder; Laureate. ] Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Page 90 [ Future, see Past. Futures (market), see Prophecy. ] Page 91 -----G----- [ G.J., see Jape, Gassalasca. Gabriel, see Cemetary. Gabriel, archangel, see Caaba. Gadarene swine, see Obsessed. Gait, see Recruit. Gak, Dr. Dolabelly, see Damn. Gaker, Stumpo, see Quotation. Galatea, see Birth. ] Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. Whether on the gallows high Or where the blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for a man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. Old Play [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Galoots, see Regalia. Garbage, see Geology. Garden of Galoots, see Regalia. ] Gargoyle, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiatical structures generally, in which the gar- goyles represented a perfect rogue's gallery of local heret- ics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and Page 92 others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Garlic, see Portuguese. Garrulity, see Ejection. Garrulous, see Geology. ] Garter, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Garvinus, see Fly-Speck. Gas jet, see Electricity. Gas-pipes, see Geology. Gascoygne, see Liver Gastronome, see Cannibal; Overeat. Gaux, Justinian, see Fairy. Geese, see Portuguese. Gelasma, see Sycophant. ] Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Genealogy, see Pedigree. ] Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. [Ci (out of order);D;S (out of order)] [ Geneva, see Frying-pan. ] Genteel, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your "unabridged" presents, Page 93 For dictionary makers are generally gents. G.J. [Ci;Cr Illus;D;S] [ Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums, see Regalia. Gentle reproof, see Admonition. Gents-Consequential, see Regalia. ] Geographer, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the differ- ence between the outside of the world and the inside. Habeam, geographer of wide renown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. Henry Haukhorn [Ci;Cr;D;S] Geology, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological for- mations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones of mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railroad tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ German philosopher, see Monad. Gesta Sanctorum, see Reliquary. Getius, see Nose. Ghargaroo, see Opposition. ] Ghost, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. He saw a ghost. It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- The path that he was following. Before he'd time to stop and fly, An earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a ghost. Page 94 He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved that awful vision stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and then He saw a post. Jared Macphester Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions someone's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own experience. There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is believe that not only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the apparition of a suit of clothing sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grasp on the very taproot of this flourishing faith. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Ghost, see Youth. Ghost-tales, see Spooker. ] Ghoul, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead. The existence of ghouls has been dis- puted by that class of controversialists who are more con- cerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs that to give it anything good in their place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with many heads and an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rose-water.) The water turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys Page 95 daye." The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the fourteenth century a ghoul was cor- nered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and cap- tured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself into the semblance of a well known citizen, but it was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon has assumed was so affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. [Ci;D;S] [ Giaour, see Infidel. Gichi-Kuktai, see Scimetar. Gift, see Restitution. Gilder, see Loss. Gilder, Dick Waton, see Folly. Giles, Quincy, see Coenobite. Gip, Bissell, see Heathen. Giraffe, see Great. Gish, Bootle P., see Rash. Glossina morsitans, see Tzetze. ________ _________ Glowworm, see Magnificent. Glutaeus maximus, see Embalm. ________ _______ ] Glutton, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Gluttony, see Feast. Gnat, see Insectivora. ] Gnome, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inha- biting the interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and that he frequently saw them scam- pering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig Bink- erhoof saw three as recently as 1792 in the Black Forest, Page 96 and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764. [Ci;D;S] [ Gnome, see Sylph. ] Gnostics, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Gnu, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo, and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. A hunter from Kew caught a distant view Of a peacefully meditative gnu, And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbue In its blood at a closer interview." But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu. Jarn Leffer [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Goat, see Satyr; Sycophant; Trial. Goby, see Old. God, see Damn; Datary; Macrobian; Olympian; Pantheism; Redemption; Responsibility; Reverence; Zeus. God Belly, see Baal. God of love, see Cupid. God of Swine, see Piety. God Rat, see Art. God Stomach, see Abdomen. God's mercy, see Fork; Incommpossible. Goethe, see Lore. Gokul, Apuleius M., see Indifferent. Page 97 Golan, see Refuge. Gold, see Zeus. Gold, solicitate of, see Adamant. Gold, worth its weight in, see Bondsman. Golden Phalanx of Phalangers, see Regalia. Goldsmith, Oliver, see Zoology. ] Good, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Good, see Optimism. Goof, Orrin, see Critic. Gooke, see Moral. Gooroos, see Infidel. ] Goose, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suf- fused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual ener- gies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: ma[n]y are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Goose, see Quill. Gossip, see Historian. ] Gorgon, n. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. [Ci;D;S illus] Gout, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich Page 98 patient. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Government, see Aristocracy; Cabbage; Capital; Commonwealth; Congress; Destiny; Dictator; Egotist; Executive; Fool; Head-Money; Insurrection; Justice; Lighthouse; Monarch; Monarchical Government; Out-of-Door; Plebiscite; Prerogative; Preside; Queen; Rabble; Rebel; Republic; Revolution; Right; Robber; Senate; Washingtonian. Grace (prayer), see Capital. ] Graces, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia, and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing. [Ci;D;S] [ Graffiti, see Inscriptions; Olympian. Graminivorous, see Abdomen. ] Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians, see Regalia. Grand Chancellors, see Majesty. Grand Vizier, see Redundant. Granger, General Gordon, see Indecision. Grant, General, see Indecision. Grantarium, see Worms'-meat. Grant's Tomb, see Worms'-meat. ] Grape, n. Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. The lyre my hand has never swept, Page 99 The song I cannot offer; My humbler service pray accept -- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor -- I'll gladly bare their belly-tanks And tap them with my sticker. Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e'er we let the wine rest. Here's death to Prohibition's fools, And every kind of vine-pest! Jamrach Holobom [Ci;D;S] [ Grape-juice, see Wine. ] Grapeshot, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism. [D;S] [ Grass, see Geology. Gratification of the senses, see Epicure. ] Grave, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. Beside a lonely grave I stood -- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear it blowing!" "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- He can't hear nowt that's going." "Too true," I said: "alas, too true -- No sound his sense can quicken!" "Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- The deadster ain't a-kickin'." I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile On him and mercy show him!" That countryman looked on the while, And said: "Ye didn't know him." Pobeter Dunk [Ci;D;P;S] [ Grave, see Fool. Page 100 Grave robber, see Body-snatcher. Graveyard, see Body-snatcher. ] Gravitation, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain -- the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying il- lustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Gravity, see Newtonian. Graybill, Professor, see Cereberus. Greame, Politian, see Resign. Greased pig, see Anoint. Greasing, see Unction. ] Great, adj. "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign The monarch of the wood and plain!" The Elephant replied: "I'm great -- No quadruped can match my weight!" "I'm great -- no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see My femoral muscularity!" The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" An Oyster fried was understood To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he head the list, And Vierick thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass. Arion Spurl Doke [Ci;D;S] [ Great Britain, see Magdalene. Page 101 Great Horn Spoon, see Regalia. Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates, see Majesty. Great Wall of China, see Freemasons. Greece, see Feast; Gorgon; Inferiae; K; Leonine; Lore; Manes; Meander; Refuge; Sarcophagus; Satyr; Sophistry; T; Wrath; Zeus. Greek Alphabet, see W. Greenland, see Woman. Gregarians, see Regalia. Griffin, see Hippogriff. Grip, see Regalia. Groke, Professor, see Damn. Grunt, see Slang. Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon, see Regalia. Gug-guggle, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Guillotine, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. In his great work on Divergent Lines of _________ _____ __ Racial Evolution, the learned Professor ______ _________ Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of re- tracting the head inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so em- inent an authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled Hereditary Emotions -- lib. __________ ________ II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Gunpowder, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing Page 102 evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dis- pel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some sup- port from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the Dis- trict of Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of the Secretary's profound attainments and per- sonal character presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the seed of the Flashawful flabbergastor, a Patagonian __________ _____________ cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along a furrow and afterward inhume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a con- tinuous line of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the earth has somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke in fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself with in- conceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refused to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," said the sur- veyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington." [Ci;D;P;S] [ Gunsaulus, Dr., see In'ards. Gurus, see Infidel. Guttledom, see Baal. Guzzle, see Tope. Page 103 Gwow, Richard, see Bath. ] Page 104 -----H----- [ H, see K. Habeam, see Geographer. ] Habeas Corpus. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Haberdasher, see Lord. ] Habit, n. A shackle for the free. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Hades, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity resid- ing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word alpha-iota-delta-nu-sigma as "Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly pos- sessed himself of the record and struck out the objectionable word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with consider- able excitement: "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Page 105 Hades, see Cerberus; Inferiae; Leonine; Weather. Hadjis, see Infidel. Haeckel, see Molecule. ] Hag, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sor- ceresses, etc., were called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren. [Ci;D;S] [ Hair, see Berenice's Hair. Hair of the dog, see Sacred. ] Half, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or considered as divided. In the fourteenth cen- tury a heated discussion arose among theologists and philo- sophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and unmis- takable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Half a loaf is better than none, see Saw. Hall, Miss Pauline, see Tights. ] Halo, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomi- cal body, but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints. The halo is a purely optical il- lusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or a Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pi- ous artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a Page 106 truly saintly grace. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hammer, see Auctioneer. Hamstringing, see Opposition. ] Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] Handkerchief, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially servi- ceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coat-tails in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backwards. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Hane, Jali, see Picture. Hanging, see Arrayed; Gallows; Hangman; Hemp; Linen; Macrobian; Rope; Sheriff; Story; Tree. ] Hangman, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in heredi- tary disesteem by a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his function are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the first instance known to this lexicographer of anyone questioning the ex- pediency of hanging Jerseymen. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Hangman, see Redress. Hanipur, S. V., see Misdemeanor. ] Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contem- plating the misery of another. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Harangue, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Harangue-outang, see Harangue. ] Page 107 Harbor, n. A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Harem, see Scarabee. ] Harmonists, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal con- troversies and dissensions. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Harmony, see Accord. Harp, see Renown. Harris, Farquharson, see Lyre. ] Hash, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what hash is. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Hatchet, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red. For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. John Lukkus [Ci;D;S] Hatred, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Haukhorn, Henry, see Geographer. Havemeyer, see Sycophant. Haymon, Richard, see Inscriptions. He laughs best who laughs last, see Saw. Head, see Cabbage. Headless, see Behead. Headliner, see Preside. ] Head-Money, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring Page 108 From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue, "So great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of what we collect Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold All of our gay garrotes of gold; With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state is desperate, no question; Pray favor we with a suggestion." "O King of Men," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled grimly, "I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're bound and you are free, "Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed! G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Headsman, see Behead, Head-Money. Page 109 Hearsay Evidence, see Inadmissible. ] Hearse, n. Death's baby-carriage [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hearst, see Diary. ] Heart, n. A automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments -- a very pretty fancy, which, however, is noth- ing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak be- comes a feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it has been cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility -- these things have been pa- tiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, The Essen- ___ tial Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain In- ________ __ ___ _________ __________ ___ _______ ___ testinal Gases Freed in Digestion -- 4to 687 pp.) In a ________ _____ _____ __ _________ scientific work entitled, I believe, Delectatio Demonorum __________ _________ (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the senti- ments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on Love as a ____ __ _ Product of Alimentary Maceration. [Ci;Cr;D;S] _______ __ __________ __________ [ Heart, see In'ards. ] Heat, n. Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now [not?] how he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving. And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. Crede expertum -- I have seen them, child. _____ ________ Gorton Swope [Ci;D;S] Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to wor- ship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, He- brews are heathens. "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's A Christian philosopher, I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Page 110 Addicted to much to the crime Of religious discussion in rhyme. Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a modus vivendi -- not they! -- _____ _______ Yet heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been reared in a way To join in the thick of the fray. For this of my creed is the soul and gist, And the truth of it I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, An 'ite, an 'ic, or an 'er -- And I'm down upon him or her! Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all very well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know by the smell -- A secret and personal Hell! Bissell Gip [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Heathenish, see Un-American. ] Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Heaven, see Baptism; Canonicals; Diary; Elysium; Gallows; Infancy; Inscriptions; Prelate; Respite; Riches; Satan; Wall Street. ] Hebrew, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation. [Cr;D;P;S] [ Hebrew, see Heathen; Satyr. Hebron, see Refuge. Heidelberg University, see Trial. Heine, see Ghost. Hell and Blazes, see Story. Hell, hope of, see Abnormal. Hell, see Diary; Female; Hades; Repentance; Respite; Satire; Universalist. ] Page 111 Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half. "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest. "Since the time o' yer wooin' She's niver assisted in what ye were at -- For it's naught ye are ever doin'." "That's true of yer Riverence," Patrick replies, And no sign of contrition evinces; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she helps to mate the expinses!" Marley Wottel [Ci;D;S] Hemp, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hemp, see Linen. Hen, see Hag; Vanity. Henry III, see Fairy. Henry VIII, see Frankalmoigne. Heresy, see Rack. Heretic, see Excommunication; Illuminati; Impale; Mouse. ] Hermit, n. A person whose vices and follies are not soci- able. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Hero, see Brandy. Herod of Judea, see Malthusian. Herodotus, see Alligator; Clio. ] Hers, pron. His. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Hexameter, see Success. ] Hibernate, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes Page 112 out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four cen- turies ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottoms of the brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Escobius dis- covered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who hiber- nate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hiberna- tion, to which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent au- thority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honours denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hidden Faith, see Regalia. Hierarchs, see Infidel. Hierophants, see Infidel. High-priests, see Infidel. Highway Robber, see Lickspittle. Hindoos, see Brahma. ] Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was ac- tually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dol- lars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ His, see Hers. ] Historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip. [Ci;Cr;D;S] History, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unim- portant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. Salder Bupp [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ History, see Clio; Fool. Page 113 History of Animated Nature, see Zoology. ] Hog, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its ap- petite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but it is respected for the delicacy of its habits, the beauty of its plumage and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; a cage of him in full chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this dicky-bird is Porcus Rockefelleri. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Hog, see Regalia; Slang. Hogmy, see Pigmy. Holobom, Jamrach, see Abracadabra; Behavior; Deputy; Epigram; Grape; Material. Holt, Sir Thomas, see Technicality. Holy Gregarians, see Regalia. Holy Humbug, see Regalia. Holy Scriptures, see Koran. Holy Water, see Salamander. Holystone, see Sabbath. Home, see Technicality. Homer, see Degenerate; Frog; Grape; Youth. ] Homicide, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great differ- ence to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Homicide, see Refuge. ] Homiletics, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities, and conditions of the congrega- tion. Page 114 So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his moral purge and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered -- his pills so efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. Biography of Bishop Potter [Ci;D;S] _________ __ ______ ______ [ Homo ventrambulans, see Rattlesnake. ____ _____________ ] Homoeopathist, n. The humorist of the medical profession. [Ci (out of order);Cr (out of order);D;S] Homoeopathy, n. A school of medicine midway between Al- lopathy and Christian Science. To the last both of the oth- ers are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Honorable, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Honors, see Income. Hoodlums, see Regalia. ] Hope, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. Delicious Hope! when naught to man is left -- Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. Fogarty Weffing [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hope, see Delusion; Past; Present; Private; Religion. Page 115 Horizontalists, see Zenith. Horn Spoon, see Regalia. Horror, see Regalia. Horse tail, see Fiddle. Horse, see Centaur; Circus; Electricity; Frog; Gnu; Hippogriff; Mustang; Trial; Understanding. Hosannas, see Sycophant. ] Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodg- ing. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Hostility, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classed as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hot, see Story. Hot iron, see Scarification. Hotton, John Camden, see Heart. ] Houri, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief is her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. [Ci;Cr;D;P illus (out of order);S] House, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ House, see Income; Understanding. ] House of Correction, n. A place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. [Ci;D;S] House of God, n. A building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. [Ci;D;S] [ Page 116 House of Representatives, see Quorum. ] House-Dog, n. A pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appall the hardy visitor. [Ci;D;S] [ House-Fly, see Zoology. ] Houseless, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. [Ci;D;S] House-Maid, n. A youngerly person of the opposing sex em- ployed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her. [Ci;D;S] Hovel, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. Twaddle has a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: "I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As castor in a chalice. Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle, Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a model. G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Howells, William D, see Spooker. Howison, Professor, see Heathen. Huck, Joel, see Arsenic; Worms'-meat. Huckle, Gat, see Excommunication. Huggyns, Dr., see Tomb. Hugo, Victor, see Incubus. Human race, see Pig. Human sacrifice, see Druids. ] Page 117 Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Humectation, see Eat. ] Humorist, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dis- miss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick. Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company. Alexander Poke [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Hunchback, see Scimetar. Hunger, see Regalia. Hunsiker, Hannibal, see Vanity. Hunting, see Gnu. Huntington, see Loss. ] Hurricane, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steam- boats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Hurry, n. The dispatch of bunglers. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Husband, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Husband, see Beauty; Berenice's Hair; Brute. Husk, see Envelope. ] Hybrid, n. A pooled issue. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Hydra, n. A kind of animal that ancients catalogued under many heads. [Ci;D;P;S] Page 118 Hyena, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental na- tions from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that. [Ci;D;S] [ Hyena, see Body-snatcher. Hymns, see Art. ] Hypochondriasis, n. Depression of one's own spirits. Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy [Ci;D;S] [ Hypnotism, see Mesmerism. Hypocrisy, see Occident; Politeness. ] Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming what he despises. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Page 119 -----I----- I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ I think, therefore I am, see Cartesian. Iceland, see Zigzag. ] Ichor, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" Mary Doke [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Iconoclasism, see Decalogue (II). ] Iconoclast, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth no reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Identity, see Opiate. ] Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose Page 120 influence in human affairs has always been dominant and con- trolling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any spe- cial field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his deci- sion is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Idiot, see Ethnology; Molecule. Idiot of the Century, see Story. ] Idleness, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Idleness, see Convent. ] Ignoramus, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge -- you of all beside." Borelli [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Ignorance, see Learning. Illinois, see Dullards; Respite. Illiterate, see Truthful. ] Illuminati, n. A sect of spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they we light weights -- cunctationes illuminati. [Ci;Cr;D;S] ____________ __________ Illustrious, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Page 121 [ Imaum, see Infidel. Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy, see Ultimatum. ] Imbecility, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Immigrant, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Immodest, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. There was once an man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show. For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak. So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before. Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man in the minaret. There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump; With tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little present for you." The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility given me deathless fame!" Sukker Uffro [Ci;D;P;S] Immoral, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to Page 122 be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philo- sophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Immortality, n. A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Immortality, see Scarabaeus. Immovable feasts, see Feast. Immutable natural laws, see Accident. ] Impale, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to impale is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victum being left in a sitting posture. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely em- ployed in "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one-legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet [Tibet] impalement is considered most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is some- times awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual ex- perience of impalement it must be a matter of minor impor- tance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Impalement, see Commonwealth. ] Impartial, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal Page 123 advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting views. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Impeachment, see Senate. ] Impenitence, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters, see Regalia. ] Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Import, see Tariff. ] Imposition, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiati- cal systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. "Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastic service. No doubt you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition,. Do." Pollo Doncas [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Imposition, see Please. ] Impostor, n. A rival aspirant to public honors. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Improbability, n. His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out. But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Page 124 Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?" He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed in a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." [Ci;D;S] Improvidence, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of tomorrow. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Impunity, n. Wealth. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Inadmissible, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted is unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It can- not be proved that the battle of Blemheim ever was fought, that there was such a person as Julius Caesar, such an em- pire as Assyria. But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were con- victed of witchcraft and executed was without flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. [Ci;Cr;D;S] In'ards, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not class the soul as an Page 125 in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our immortal part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Inauspiciously, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain the augurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called auspices. ________ Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or "management"; as, "the festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur, "Tell me, pray, If -- "here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A denarius (the Latin nickel) ________ Successfully allayed the tickle, And then the slave proceeded: "Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature? Never mind -- I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth, he drew Another denarius to view, ________ Its shining face attentive scanned, Then slipped it into the good man's hand, Who with great gravity said: "Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew His sacred clay and passing through The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" Waving his robe of office. Straight Each sacred peacock and its mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled Page 126 With clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they were perched for the night. The temple's roof received their flight, For thither they would always go, When danger threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: "My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan -- Which was (as well the crafty seer Had from the first divined) to clear The walls and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Inch-worm, see Realism. Incinerated, see Story. Incivism, see Suffrage. ] Income, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being arti- ficial, arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth -- coins or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of one's own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an un- remunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Incompatibility, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Incompetent, see Rich. Page 127 ] Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else ex- ists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry, and God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel your- self -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey an equally significant in- timation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Increscencies of the Magic Temple, see Regalia. Incubae, see Incubus. ] Incubus, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. For a complete account of incubi and ______ succubi, including incubae, and succubae, see the Liber _______ _______ ________ _____ Demonorum of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much _________ curious information that would be out of place in a diction- ary intended as a text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubt- less -- sometimes plays at incubus, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brow for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Incumbent, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Incumbents, see Infidel. ] Indecision, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," said Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers ways to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not many chances of go- ing astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear and Page 128 satisfactory exposition of the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said General Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it was a great thing to know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss up a copper." "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me; I disobeyed the coin." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Independent, see Abnormal; Absolute; Mad; Mugwump. India, see Sacred; Tope; Woman. Indian, see Hatchet; Indigestion; Red-skin; Severalty. Indiana, see Reading. ] Indifferent, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." Apuleius M. Gokul [Ci;Cr;D;S] Indigestion, n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Indigestion, see Pie. ] Indiscretion, n. The guilt of woman. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Indivisible, see Molecule; Monad. Page 129 Indolent, see Rich. Indolentio, see Indifferent. Indulgence, see Excess. Indus (river), see Alligator. Industry, see Rapacity. Inevitable, see Accident. ] Inexpedient, adj. Not calculated to advance one's inter- ests. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Inexpedient, see Immoral. ] Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies above us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Infancy, see Yesterday. Infant Industry, see Lore. Infantry, see Dragoon. Inference, see Technicality. ] Inferiae, n. (Latin.) Among the Greeks and Romans, sacri- ________ fices for propitiation of the Dii Manes, or souls of dead ___ _____ heroes; for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audi- ence of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The nar- rative ended abruptly at that point, owing to the incon- siderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than P`ere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 130 Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in Chris- tian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (see Giaour.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hiero- phants, prelates, obeah-men, abbe's, nuns, missionaries, ex- horters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, pri- mates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, benefi- ciaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos [gurus], precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, per- petual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vi- cars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cure's, sophis, mutifs and pumpums. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Influence, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in ex- ___ change for a substantial quid. [Ci;Cr;D;S] ____ Infralapsarian, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposi- tion to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam. Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordinational freedom of will) Page 131 Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. You -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While you -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up." It's all the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown. Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Ingersoll, Robert, see Decalogue (II). ] Ingrate, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or otherwise an object of charity. "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified." "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am overcome, And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate-- He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state The man is dumb." Ariel Selp [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Ingrate, see Befriend; Benefactor. Ingratitude, see Pardon. Inhospitable Hogs, see Regalia. ] Injury, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Injustice, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Ink, n. A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infec- tion of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The proper- ties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably Page 132 employed as a mortar to bind together the stones in an edif- ice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called jour- nalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infre- quently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Ink, see Controversy. Inmate, see Mad. ] Innate, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them pre- viously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it "a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personal affairs and in the inter- esting nature of one's diseases. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Innocent bystanders, see Riot. Insane, see Love; Orthography. ] Inscription, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostly memorial, in- tended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See Epitaph.) "In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878." "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." "Affliction sore long time who boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth released the dear deceased Page 133 And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." "The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to me to be S. Wood. O Man, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W. "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." [Ci;Cr illus;D;P illus;S] [ Insect, see Bounty; Trial. ] Insectivora, n. "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insect follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows." Sempen Railey [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Insignia, see Regalia. Insomnia, see Tzetze. ] Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. Insurance Agent: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me insure it. House Owner: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. Insurance Agent: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. House Owner: How, then, can I afford that? Insurance Agent: Why, your house may Page 134 burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which -- House Owner: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- Insurance Agent: Spare me! House Owner: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur pre- viously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last so long as you say that it will probably last. Insurance Agent: But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss. House Owner: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were insured? Insurance Agent: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. House Owner: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn be- fore they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay them, do you not? Insurance Agent: Certainly, if we did not -- House Owner: I would not trust you with my money. Very well, then. If it is certain, with reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you it is probable, with reference to any one of them, that he will. It is these individual probabilities that made the aggregate Page 135 certainty. Insurance Agent: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in this pamph -- House Owner: Heaven forbid! Insurance Agent: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. House Owner: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept its ex- pression from a Deserving Object. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S illus] [ Insurance, see Curse; Decalogue (V). ] Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad govern- ment. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Intellectual speculation, see Fool. ] Intention, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate, or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Interation, see Fickleness. Interlocutor, see End. ] Interpreter, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S illus] Interregnum, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of a throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Intimacy, n. A relation into which fools are providentially Page 136 drawn for their mutual destruction. Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew, And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell. Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings. They effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who won't apply, That you are you and I am I. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Intimate, see Acquaintance. Intolerable, see Un-American. ] Introduction, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this country, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everyone has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Indepen- dence should have read thus: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Crea- tor with certain inalienable right; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him man incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pur- suit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers." [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 137 Inventor, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs and believes it civilization. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Involuntary contributions, see Primate. Ions, see Molecule. Ireland, see Deinotherium. Ironic, see Ramshackle. ] Irreligion, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Irresponsible, see Absolute; Table D' Hote. Isabella, see Abdication. Island, see Australia. Ispahan, see Immodest. Israel, see Frog; Manna; Troglodyte. Italian, see Belladonna; Cunning; Zany. ] Itch, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Itching Palm, see Palm. Ithuriel, see Renown. ] Page 138 -----J----- J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of a tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for the Latin verb, jacere, "to ______ throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape. This is origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the Univer- sity of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed sui- cide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Jacob's-ladder, see Notoriety. Jail, see Habeas Corpus. Jakak-Zotp, see Mouse. Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock, see Regalia. Japanese, see Scimetar. Jape, Gassalasca, see Abdicatio; Abstainer; Aim; Allegiance; Apothecary; Art; Ass; Baptism; Berenice's Hair; Carmelite; Christian; Cross; Decalogue; Decide; Duty; Emancipation; Female; Forma Pauperis; Genteel; Head-Money; Hovel; Immortality; Inauspiciously; Infralapsarian; Law; Lord; Nectar; Reach; Retribution; Success; Symbolic; Tedium. ] Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Jebigue, see Story. Jelly-fish, see Platitude. ] Jester, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's Page 139 household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludi- crous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and romanc- ers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effects the dejection of humbler au- diences with the same jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional Disguised, and there confessed her. "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down-- My sins are more than scarlet: I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, And common, base-born varlet." "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin, indeed is awful: The church's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But since thy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by decree, A man of birth and breeding." She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo to palter; Then told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! Barel Dort [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Jester, see Canonicals; King; Scepter. Jews, see Hog; Sabbath. ] Jews-harp, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. [Ci;D;S] [ Jhones, Bettel K., see Body-snatcher. Jijiji Ri, see Scimetar. Page 140 Job, see Leviathan. Jocordy, Jebel, see Advice. Jod, see Damn. John the Baptist, see Centaur. Johnes, Squatol, see Dead. Johnson, Dr. Samuel, see Abrupt; Brandy; Patriotism. Johnson, Thompson, see Recruit. Joinville, de, see Acephalous. Joke, see Witticism. Jones, Halcyon, see Weather. Jones, Opoline, see Maiden. Joop, Averil, see Olympian. Jorace, see Baccus. Jordan, Dr., see Leviathan. Joshua, see Refuge. ] Joss-sticks, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Journalism, see Ink; Preside; Reporter. Jove, see Apothecary. Joy, Representative Charles F., see Story. Joyce, John A., see Success. Jubibras, see Admonition. Judge, see Inadmissible; Lawful; Precedent; Trial. Judibras, see Anoint; Monosyllabic; Piety; Precipitate. Judicial, see Executive. Jukes, Aramis, see Rank. Julius Caesar, see Druids; Inadmissible. Page 141 Juno, see Inauspiciously; Nectar. Jupiter, see Zeus. Jurisdiction, see Nose. Juror, see Trial. Jury, see Inadmissible. ] Justice, A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Justice, see Youth. Justice (personified), see Law. Justification, see Reconsider. ] Page 142 -----K----- K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small com- mercial nation inhabiting the penisula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch which means "destroyed." The ______ form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 b.c. _____ This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter was supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known of the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic or if the name was always Klatch and the ______ destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection in believing both and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ K., R. S., see Machination. K.Q., see Commonwealth. Kadesh, see Refuge. Kalamazoo, see Pie. Kangaroo, see Great. Kansas, see Populist, Kant, see Understanding. Karnak, see Freemasons. Kearney, Denis, see Sandlotter. ] Keep, v.t. He willed away his whole estate, Page 143 And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep." But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. Durang Gophel Arn [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Kew, see Gnu. Khayyam, see Grape. Kidnapping, see Ransom. Kidney, see Urbanity. ] Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a succes- sor. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Kill, see Homocide; Refuge. ] Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Kindness, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. [Ci;Cr;D;S] King, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- No care nor grief to pester." "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." Oogum Bem [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ King, see Anoint; Queen; Scepter. ] King's Evil, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus "the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon his ailing subjects and make them Page 144 whole -- a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure: their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, They presently amend. as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it. This _______ useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown properties; for according to "Mal- colm," 'tis spoken, To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction. But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the name "kings evil" now bears the humbler one of "scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. The ______ date and author of the following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show the jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday. Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. He layde his hand on mine and sayd: "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. But O ye wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming in line and shaking the President's hand has no other origin, and when that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on strangely visited people. All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings the Page 145 sainted past close home to our "business and bosoms." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Kings of Drink, see Regalia. Kings of Finance, see Misdemeanor. ] Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S illus] Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Knapsack, see Private. Knife, see Fork; Scarification. Knife-and-fork, see Proboscis. ] Knight, n. Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: We must knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, Knight of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. God speed the day when this knighting fad Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Knight, see Misericorde. Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog, see Regalia. Knights of Adam, see Regalia. Knights of Dominion, see Resplendent. Knights of Hunger, see Inauspiciously. Knights of St. Gorge, see Knight. Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, see Knight. Page 146 Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog, see Regalia. ] Koran, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Chris- tians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Kosciusko, see Freedom. Kosher, see Trichinosis. Kubla Khan, see War. ] Page 147 -----L----- [ L'Histoire generale des animaux, see Zoology. L. S., see Seal. Labial, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lactantius, see Avernus. Lactuca, see Lettuce. Ladies of Horror, see Regalia. Ladies of the Yellow Dog, see Regalia. Ladies' Home Journal, see Proboscis. Laiaides, see Inferiae. Lamas, see Infidel. Lambeth Palace, see Primate. Lamp-post, see Tree. ] Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra _____ firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, _____ E, F and G to be born, or born as trespassers, to exist. A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, Page 148 For the spark that nature gave I have there the right to keep. They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then Ho! for the flashing brine -- I'm a natural commodore! Dodle [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Land, see Income. Landscape, see Realism. ] Language, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Laocoon, n. A famous piece of antique sculpture represent- ing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human in- telligence over brute inertia. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Lap, n. One of the most important organs of the female sys- tem -- an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial wel- fare. [Ci;D;P;S] Last, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown So that I might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky [Ci;D;S] [ Latin, see Leonine. ] Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteris- tics distinguishing man from the animals -- these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but im- pregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted Page 149 to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a ques- tion that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to instantaneous fermentation of sputa dif- _____ fused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the dis- order Convulsio spargens. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] _________ ________ [ Laughter, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Laureate, adj. Crowned with the leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled him to so blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Laurel, n. The Laurus, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court. (Vide Supra.) [Ci;Cr;D;S] ____ ______ [ Laurel, see Laureate. Laurus, see Laurel. ] Law, n. Once Law was sitting on the bench, An Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain you have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor cried: "Your status? -- devil seize you!" "Amica curiae," she replied -- _____ ______ "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- I never saw your face before!" G.J. [Ci;D;S] [ Law, see Appeal; Beg; Congress; Executive; Felon; Fool; Forma Pauperis; Frankalmoigne; Habeas Corpus; Homocide; Inadmissible; Justice; Land; Litigant; Litigation; Misdemeanor; Nose; Oath; Pardon; Posterity; Precedent; Proof; Redress; Referendum; Respite; Respond; Retaliation; Page 150 Right; Satan; Satire; Seal; Senate; Severalty; Sorcery; Technicality; Trial. Law (standing), see Suffrage. Law-and-order, see Sandlotter. ] Lawful, adj. Compatible with the will of judge having jurisdiction. [Ci;D;S] Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Lawyer, see Accomplice; Forma Pauperis; Homocide; Liar; Quiver; Respite; Trial. Laying on of hands, see Imposition. ] Laziness, n, Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Lead, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving sta- bility to light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipi- tated in great quantities. Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great And universal arbiter; endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud Fogging the field of controversial hate, And with a swift, inevitable, straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. Oh useful metal! -- were it not for thee We'd grapple one another's ears alway [away]: But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee We, like old Muhlenburg, "care to stay." And when the quick have run away like pullets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ League of Holy Humbug, see Regalia. ] Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 151 Learning, see Lore. Least said is soonest disavowed, see Saw. Lectors, see Infidel. ] Lecturer, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Leech, see Apostate; Sycophant; Trial. Leffer, Jarn, see Gnu. ] Legacy, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Legalese, see Carnivorous. Legislature, see Executive; Honorable. Legumptionorum Doctor, see LL.D. Leibnitz, see Monad. Lend, see Acquaintance. Lent, see Hibernate. Leo, see Leonine. ] Leonine, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word is the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O _ ________ _ mores!" _____ It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach the pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhym- ing couplet could be run into a single line. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 152 Lethargine, see Rice-water. ] Lettuce, n. An herb of the genus Lactuca, "Wherewith," says _______ the pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of compound- ing for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted of the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Leucomedon, see Birth. ] Leviathan, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that dis- tinguished ichthyologer Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig -- Maria ________ ___________ _____ pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history ______________ of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] ________ __ ______ [ Leviticus, see Satyr. Lewes, see Noumenon. ] Lexicographer, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pre- tense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stif- fen its flexibility and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority" whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural ser- vility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dic- tionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or "ob- solescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however the desirable its res- toration to favor -- whereby the process of impoverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, the bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that lang- uage must grow by innovation if it grows at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has no Page 153 following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dic- tionary" -- although down to the time of the first lex- icographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meanings and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perish- ing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vi- gorous growth and hardy preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create. God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," And lexicographers arose, a swarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, And catalogued each garment in a book. Now from her leafy covert when she cries: "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise And scan the list, and say without compassion: "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." Sigismund Smith [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Libel, see Satire. Liber Demonorum, see Incubus. Liberal, see Conservative. ] Liberty, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." Martha Braymance [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Liberty, see Emancipation; Freedom. Library, see Restitution; Scarification. ] Lickspittle, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newpaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the lickspittle is only the black- mailer under another aspect, though the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a Page 154 confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lictor, see Bacchus. Lie, see Fib. ] Life, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. Han Soper [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Lighthouse, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lightning, see Deputy; Editor; Electricity. ] Limb, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- Higher than can be right. For the Bible declares -- but never mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With others for sins that I'm not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his weakness, and through my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in, Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in question were made that way. Page 155 As he drew the lace she made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, It hurts me -- hurts my -- limb." The salesman smiled in a manner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child; Then, checking himself, to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he didn't care two figs For her pains and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with speech and manner just Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust That it doesn't hurt your twigs." B. Percival Dike [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] Linen, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lion, see Great; Hippogriff; Leonine; Mouse. Liquor, see Rum; Wine. Literary criticism, see Perfection; Story. Literature, see Ass; Dullard; Elegy; Epigram; Fly-Speck; Fool; Goose; Humanity; Imagination; Leonine; Monosyllabic; Novel; Occasional; Perfection; Plagiarism; Platitude; Pleonasm; Poetry; Proof-reader; Publish; Reading; Realism; Rice-water; Romance; Rubbish; Salacity; Satire; Serial; Success; Tzetze; Usage. ] Litigant, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Litigant, see Forma Pauperis. _____ ________ ] Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Littering, see Olympian. Little Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust, see Lore. ] Liver, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were Page 156 anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was one time considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg pate. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] ____ [ Livy, see Feast. Lizards, see Story. ] LL.D. Letters indicating the degree Legumptionorum Doctor, ______________ ______ one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly sterling sign-sterling sign-d. and con- ________ _____________ ______ ferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University is consider- ing the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. -- Damnator Diaboli. The new honor ________ _______ will be known as Sanctorum Custus, and written $ $ c. The _________ ______ _ _ _ name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Loaf, see Saw. Lobster, see Crayfish. ] Lock-and-key, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Locke, see Innate; Lunarian; Understanding. Locum sigillis, see Seal. Lodge, see Resplendent. ] Lodger, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder and the Mealer. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict ac- cordance with the limitations and incapacities of human misunderstanding. The basic [basis] of logic is the syllo- gism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a con- clusion -- thus: Page 157 Major Premise: Sixty men can do a _____ _______ piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a _____ _______ post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore -- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a __________ post-hole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arith- metical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Logic, see Projectile; Sophistry; Syllogism. ] Logomachy, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success. 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Logomachy, see Infralapsarian. Lomond, Ben, see Wall Street. London, see Flag; Freemasons; Pie; Respirator. Long Bow, see Regalia. ] Longanimity, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Longevity, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Looking-glass, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a magic look- ing glass, whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful Page 158 mirror, so that when absent out of thine au- gust presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign counte- nance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!" Pleased with the speech, the king com- manded that the mirror be conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into pri- son, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and it was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored the courtier to liberty, had the mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure of an angel, which remains to this day. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Loppis, Baruch de, see Seine. ] Loquacity, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] Lord, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as, Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is ad- dressed as "Sir", as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence. Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering English lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," Page 159 A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate here to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage Of existence that is marked by the vices of age. Among them, cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that looked like a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to the use of his A's And dulling their edge until the delicate sense Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'Twas most inexpressibly sweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. For, smite with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lord 'Aberdasher, see Lord. Lord Cadde, see Lord. Lord Hartisan, see Lord. Lord Splurge, see Lord. ] Lore, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes from the reading of occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's Curious Myths of _______ _____ __ the Middle Ages the reader will find many of these traced ___ ______ ____ Page 160 backwards, through various peoples with converging lines, toward a common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of "Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The fable which Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." [Ci;Cr;D;S] Loss, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost his mind." It is the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is used in the famous epitaph: Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain, For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. [Ci;D;P;S] Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and may other ailments, is prevalent only among the civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple foods enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more fre- quently to the physician than to the patient. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Love, see Ardor; Neighbor; Platonic. Love-letter, see Envelope. Lover, see Beauty; Lead. ] Low-bred, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Lucian, see Lunarian. Luck, see Responsibility. Luckless, see Rich. Lukkus, John, see Hatchet. ] Luminary, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an Page 161 editor by not writing about it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Lunarian, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill tribes of Vermont. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Lunarian Astonished, the, see Executive. Lunatic, see Ethnology; Lunarian. Lung, see Reliquary. Lupe, Jehal Dai, see Avernus. Lush, see Tope. Lutheran, see Ubiquity; Werewolf. Lying, see Decalogue (IX); Defame; Diplomacy; Encomiast; Imagination; Infancy; Prehistoric; Prevaricator; Weather. Lynch, see Tree. ] Lyre, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. The stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When, with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, The world shall suffer when I let them go! Farquharson Harris [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 162 -----M----- [ Macbeth, see King's Evil. Macphester, Jared, see Ghost.] ] Mace, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading dissent. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Mace, see Scepter. Maceration, see Heart. ] Machination, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. R. S. K. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Macrobian, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he con- sidered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity (macro- ______ biosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old ______ enough to know better. The editor of The American, a news- ___ ________ paper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The Presi- dent of the United States was born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and Page 163 military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian: When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. A brightness was in all the air, In all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine and few, The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives as well, And when you heard a bit of news "Twas true enough to tell. Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, Nor women "generally speaking." The Summer then was long indeed; It lasted one whole season! The sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason To bring the early peas on. Now, where in the dickens is the sense In calling that a year Which does no more than commence Before the end is near? When I was young the year extended From month to month until it ended. I know not why the world has changed To something dark and dreary, And everything is now arranged To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man -- I fear he Has much to do with it, for, sure, The air is not the same; It chokes you when it is impure, When pure it makes you lame. With windows closed you are asthmatic; Open, neuralgic or sciatic. Well, I suppose this new re'gime Of dun degeneration Seems eviler tan it would seem To a better observation, And has for compensation Some blessings in a deep disguise Which mortal sight has failed To pierce, although to angels' eyes They're visibly unveiled. If Age is such a boon, good land! He's costumed by a master hand! Venable Strigg [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Macrobious, see Ass. ] Page 164 Mad, adj. Affect with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by offi- cials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer has no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any in- mate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Madhouse, see Mad. Magazines, see Poetry. Magdala, see Magdalene. ] Magdalene, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the of- ficial sanction of the governments of Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalen, and their Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Maggot, see Magnificent. ] Magic, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Magic, see Sorcery. Magic Temple, see Regalia. Magician, see Dentist; Inadmissible. ] Magnet, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Magnetism, n. Something acting upon a magnet. Page 165 The two definitions immediately forego- ing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have il- luminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Magnificent, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Magnitude, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, noth- ing is large and nothing small. If everything in the uni- verse were increased in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remained unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and the distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to some one that it might be taught to talk. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Mahometan, see Allah; Hog; Houri; Koran; Tope. Mahometan Paradise, see Ass. ] Maiden, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not alto- gether unpleasing to the ear, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with re- gard to the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- This quaint, sweet song sang she: "It's O for a youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The Captain he Of a team to be! On the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch by right divine, Page 166 And never to roast on it -- me! Opoline Jones [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Maiden, see Ruin; Smithareen. Maiden's hand, see Refusal. Maith, Barson, see Reporter. ] Majesty, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chan- cellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the an- cient and honorable orders of republican America. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Malcolm, see King's Evil. ] Male, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Male, see Female. ] Malefactor, n. The chief factor in the progress of the hu- man race. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Malefactor, see Forefinger; Proof-reader; Troglodyte. Malice, see Illustrious. Malthus, see Malthusian. ] Malthusian, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of think- ing. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Mammalia, n. pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose fe- males in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P (out of order);S] Mammon, n. The god of the world's leading religion. His chief temple is in the holy city of New York. Page 167 He swore that all other religions were gammon, And wore out his knees in worship of Mammon. Jared Oopf [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus (next page)] [ Mamoosh, see Ultimatum. ] Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of that what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew 'Mongst king and priest and peasant. We're not that way at present, Save here in this Republic, where We have that old Re'gime, For all are kings, however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was detested, Was one day with a tarry coat (With feathers backed and breasted) By patriots invested. "It is your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past: "That's what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has never run." Apperton Duke [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Man, see Edible; House; Mouth. Man is known by the company that he keeps, see Saw. Management, see Inauspiciously. Manchuria, see Looking-glass. ] Manes, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. _____ They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and Page 168 they seem not to have been particularly happy afterwards. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Manhood, see Yesterday. ] Manicheism, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Manna, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Mappet, Mumfrey, see Delusion. Marauder, see Alderman. Marbury, see Unction. Marching, see Recruit. Maria pseudo-hirsuta, see Leviathan. _____ ______________ ] Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consist- ing of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Marriage, see Altar; Bigamy; Bride; Brute; Incompatibility; Love; Polygamy; Refusal; Table D' Hote; Uxoriousness; Wedding; Yoke. Marsh, see Whangdepootenawah. Marshal Villeroi, see Saint. ] Martyr, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Martyr, see Mouse; X. Marvel, Sir Fames, see Crayfish. Mary of Magdala, see Magdalene. Masons, see Freemasons. Mass, see Requiem. Page 169 Massachusetts, see Pilgrim. Master, see Marriage; Miss. Mastication, see Eat. ] Material, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important. Material things I know, or feel, or see; All else is immaterial to me. Jamarach Holobom [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Maudlin, see Magdalene. ] Mausoleum, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. [Ci;Cr;D;P illus (out of order);S] [ Maxillar, see Whangdepootenawah. Mayflower, see Dullard. ] Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in the place of a state religion. [Ci;[Cr;D;P;S] Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objection- able and the oppressive. Each is all three. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Meal of milk-and-morality, see Fool. Mealer, see Lodger. ] Meander, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Measuring-worm, see Realism. Meat-axe, see Admonition. Mecca, see Caaba. ] Medal, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, Page 170 attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a metal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the mean- ing of the metal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he didn't. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Medical student, see Grave; see Hyena. Medicant, see Beg. ] Medicine, n. A stone flung down in the Bowery to kill a dog on Broadway. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Medicine, see Diagnosis; Diaphram; Fool; Gout; Homoeopathist; Hypochondriasis; Mummy; Physician; Prescription; Yesterday. Medicine-men, see Infidel. Mediocrity, see Notoriety; Perseverance. Meek, see Longanimity. Meek-eyed Matron, see Incompatibility. ] Meekness, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. The Biographical Alphabet [Ci;Cr;D;S] ___ ____________ ________ Meerschaum, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in colouring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. There was a youth (you've heard before, This woful tale, may be). Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That colour it would be! Page 171 He shut himself from the world away, Nor any soul he saw. He smoked by night, he smoked by day, As hard as he could draw. His dog died moaning in the wrath Of winds that blew aloof; The weeds were in the gravel path, The owl was on the roof. "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And so they batter in the door To take his goods away. Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, Nut-brown in face and limb. "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, "But it has colored him!" The moral there's small need to sing -- "Tis plain as day to you: Don't play your game on any thing That is a gamester too. Marlin Bulstrode [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Megaceph, see Egotist. Melsius, see Pre-Adamite. Memory (personified), see Past. Men, see Circus. ] Mendacious, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Mendacity, see Regalia. Mendax interminabilis, see Tzetze. ______ ______________ Mendlessohn, Moses, see Trichinosis. Mens conscia recti, see Mind. ____ _______ _____ ] Merchant, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A com- mercial pursuit in which the thing pursued is a dollar. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Mercury (god), see Apothecary. Page 172 Mercury (metal), see Apothecary. ] Mercy, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Mercy, see Fork. Mercy (personified), see Law. ] Mesmerism, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Methuselah, see Macrobian. ] Metropolis, n. A stronghold of provincialism. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Mh., see Miss. Mice, see Die; Frog. Microbe, see Commonwealth; House; Monad. Midnight fog, see Rice-water. Mikado, see Scimetar. Miles, General, see Story. Military Officer, see Epaulet. Military, see Corporal; Private; Projectile; Rear; Recruit; Resign; Reveille; Riot; Tope. Milk-and-morality, see Platitude. Mill, see Positivism. ] Millennium, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all the reformers on the under side. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Miller, Jo., see Proboscis. Milton, see Gunpowder; Logomachy. Mimbleshaw, see Palmistry. Page 173 Mimetic, see Ridicule. ] Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin mens, a fact unknown to that honest ____ shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor over the way had displayed the motto "Mens conscia recti," embla- ____ _______ _____ zoned his own shop front with the words "Men's, women's and children's conscia recti." [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Mine, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Miners, see Gnome. Miners' tools, see Geology. Minerva, see Olympian. ] Minister, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hos- tility. His principle qualification is a degree of plausi- ble inveracity next below that of an ambassador. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] Minor, adj. Less objectionable. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Minos, see Editor. ] Minstrel, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear. [Cr;D;S] [ Minstrel, see End. Mip, Atka, see Beg. ] Miracle, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Miracle plays, see Gallows. Mirror, see Looking-glass. Page 174 ] Miscreant, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contri- bution to the development of our language. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Misdemeanor, n. An infraction of the law having less dig- nity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. By misdemeanors he essayed to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand "Captains of industry" refused his hand, "Kings of finance" denied him recognition And "railroad magnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himself respected, They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. S. V. Hanipur [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Misdemeanors, see Senate. Miserable, see Famous. ] Misericorde, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Misery, see Happiness. ] Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Misfortune, see Calamity. Misgovernment see Insurrection; Rebel; Revolution. ] Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to in- dicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corrup- tions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miracu- lously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 175 Missionaries, see Infidel. Missis, see Miss. Missolonghi, see Enthusiasm. Missouri, see Story. Mistake, see Positive. Mister, see Miss. Mistress, see Marriage; Miss. Mitre, Bishop's, see Halo. Mob, see Zeus. Mocker, see Story. Moderation, see Glutton. Modesty, see Tights. Mohammedan, see Mahometan. Mole, see Realism. ] Molecule, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, in- divisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the con- densation or precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Molecule, see Monad. Moles, see Geology. Mollahs, see Infidel. ] Monad, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See Molecule.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems wil- ling to be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and Page 176 mind without manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the in- nate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resent- ment, for the monad is a gentleman. Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class -- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confused with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an en- tirely distinct species. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Monarch, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political administration is mostly en- trusted to his ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own head. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Monarch, see Absolute; Fool; Interregnum; King. ] Monarchical Government, n. Government. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Monarchies, limited, see Absolute. Monarchs of Worth and Hunger, see Regalia. Monboddo, Lord, see Tail. ] Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the base- ball game. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Money, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us except- ing when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Money, see Income. Mongolian, see Razor; Russian. Monkey, do not see Primate. ] Monkey, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 177 Monks, see Benedictines; Frankalmoigne; Infidel. Monogamy, see Polygamy. ] Monosyllabic, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on. Judibras [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Monotheism, see Decalogue (I); Zeus. ] Monsignor, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Monument, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be com- memorated. The bones of Agememnon are a show And ruined is his royal monument. but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its reductiones as absurdum, in monuments "to the unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Moogum of M'bwango, see Sacred. Moon, see Lunarian ] Moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. It is sayd there be a raunge of moun- taynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. -- Gooke's Meditations [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Page 178 [ Moral, see Dullard; Fool; Platitude. Moral instructor, see Prison. ] More, adj. The comparative degree of too much. [Ci;D;S] [ Morality, see Academe. Morgan, G. P., see Riches; Sycophant. Morrow, Mr. W. C., see Story. Morryster, see Tree. Morse, Professor, see Populist, Mortgage, see House of God. Moses, see Babe; Meekness; Refuge. Mosquito, see House. Most Eminent Grand Masters, see Majesty. Mount AEtna, see Birth. ] Mouse, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics where thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even at- tempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely woman; for a hard heart has a false tongue. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Mouse, see House. ] Mousquetaire, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a mighty poor way Page 179 to spell muskeeter. [Ci;D;S] [ Moustache, see Incompatibility. Movable feasts, see Feast. ] Mouth, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Mr., see Miss. Mrs., see Miss. Mucker, the Rev. Dr., see Pie. Mudgobbing, see Nominate. Mudjoes, see Infidel. Muezzins, see Infidel. Mufti of Moosh, see Sacred. ] Mugwump, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Muhlenburg, see Lead. Muke, Jupiter, see Reading. ] Mulatto, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. [Cr;D;S] [ Mule, see Geology; Story. ] Multitude, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adora- tion. "In a multitude of counselors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well to say that a range of mountains is higher than the single moun- tains composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Page 180 [ Mumble, see Ignorance. Mummeries, see Art. ] Mummy, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? Scopas Brune [Ci;Cr;D;S] Mustang, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. [Ci;D;S] [ Munwele, see Zigzag. Murder, see Executive; Occident; Redemption; Refuge; Technicality. Musca maledicta, see Fly-Speck; see Zoology. Muses, see Clio. Museum, see Mummy; Prehistoric. Mush, see Miss. Music, see Fiddle; Jews-harp; Lyre; Minstrel; Opera; Piano; Pilgrim; Preside; Renown; Siren. Muskeeter, see Mousquetaire. Mutifs, see Infidel. Myles, Mowbray, see Rimer. ] Myrmidon, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't lead. [Ci;D;S] [ Page 181 Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll, see Regalia. Mystic Alliance of Gorgeous Regalians, see Regalia. ] Mythology, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs con- cerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it in- vents later. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 182 -----N----- [ Naples, see Trial. Napolean, see Worms'-meat. Narcotize, see Rice-water. Nativity, see Halo. Natural laws, see Accident. Necromantic, see Seal. Necrophagia, see Ghoul; Hyena. ] Nectar, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Juno drank a cup of rye -- Then she bade herself good-bye. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Needless, see Redundant. ] Negro, n. The piece de resistance in the American political _____ __ __________ problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solu- tion. [Cr;D;S] Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as our- selves, and who does all he knows how to make us diso- bedient. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Neighbor, see Christian. Nemeseia, see Feast. Page 183 Neo-Dictionarians, see Sacerdotalist. ] Nepotism, n. Appointing you grandmother to office for the good of the party. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Nepotism, see Deputy; Hope. Nero, see Fiddle. Net, see Seine. Nevada, see Ass. New England, see Dullard. New Englander, see Yankee. New Jersey, see Hangman; Mousquetaire. New Testament, see Christian. New York, see Infidel; Presentable; Story. New York City, see Macrobian; Mammon; Urbanity. Newcomb, Professor, see Lunarians. Newspaper, see Lodger; Pillory. Newton, see Newtonian. ] Newtonian, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe, invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Nicholas, Augustine, see Sorcery. Nick, see Satan. Niebuhr, see History. Nightingale, see Epigram. ] Nihilist, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 184 Nimbus, see Hag; Halo. ] Nirvana, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasur- able annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly those wise enough to understand it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Nirvana, see Oblivion. Noah, see Sacred. Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, see Knight. ] Nobleman, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American maids ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Noise, n. A stench to the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Nominate, v. To designate for the heaviest political as- sessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbing and deadcatting of the opposition. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Nominee, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinc- tion of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public life. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Non-Combatant, n. A dead Quaker. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Nonsense, n. The objections that are urged against this ex- cellent dictionary. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Nonsense, see Proof-reader. Noonday Sun of the Universe, see Looking-glass. Nopput, M. P., see Altar. Normal American, see Ramshackle. ] Nose, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circum- stances that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writing antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. There's a man with a Nose, Page 185 And wherever he goes The people run from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blows that interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied For injunction, "Denied," Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." Arpad Singiny [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Nose, see Pilgrim; Proboscis. Nose-ring, see Allegiance. ] Notoriety, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Notoriety, see Renown. ] Noumenon, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate: it can be apprehended only by a process of reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah (therefore) for the noumenon! [Ci;D;S] Novel, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read all that is carried in the mind is the mere plot of what has gone be- fore. To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing principle, probability, cor- responds to the literal actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such alti- tudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, Page 186 where it is new. Peace to its ashes -- some of which have a very large sale. [Ci;D;S] [ Novel, see Rice-water; Salacity; Tzetze. ] November, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Novemdiale, see Feast. Novices, see Infidel. Nude, see Forma Pauperis; Zanzibari. Nuns, see Infidel. Nurse, see Mammalia. Nutritious, see Air. Nymphs, see Sylph. ] Page 187 -----O----- [ O'Dactyl, Peter, see Deinotherium. O'Gary, Blary, see Freedom. ] Oath, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Obeah-men, see Infidel. ] Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and there betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Oblivion, see Nirvana. Obolus, see Editor. Obscure, see Acquaintance. Obsequiographers, see Sarcophagus. Observation, see Rational. ] Observatory, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. [Ci;D;S] Obsessed, pp. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occu- pied by a different devil for every day of the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they also took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a women by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the streets, pursued by a hundred persons, until the open Page 188 country was reached, where by a leap higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's devil by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The soldier, un- fortunately, did not. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Obsolete, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked ob- solete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as any- thing except the character of his work. A dictionary of ob- solete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Obtruse, see Esoteric. Obtundite, see Rice-water. ] Occasional, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less fre- quency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to irregular recurrence. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a power- ful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal in- dustries of the Orient. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Occult, see Divination; Esoteric; Lore. ] Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Page 189 Ocean, see Whangdepootenawah. Odysseus, see Siren. Of two evils choose the least, see Saw. ] Offensive, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensa- tions, as the advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!" [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Oiling, see Unction. Oily, see Oleaginous. Ojibwa, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Old, adj. In that state of usefulness which is not incon- sistent with general inefficiency, as an old man. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to popular taste, as an old book. "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." Nature herself approves the Goby rule And gives use every moment a fresh fool. Harley Shum [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Old Nick, see Satan. Old Parr, see Macrobian. Old World, see Alligator. ] Oleaginous, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as "Unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever afterwards known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Olympian, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once in- habited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, Page 190 beer bottles, and mutilated sardine cans, attesting to the presence of the tourist and his appetite. His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse. Averil Joop [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Olympian games, see Cemetary. ] Omen, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing hap- pens. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ Omnific, see Fool. Omniform, see Fool. Omnipercipient, see Fool. Omnipotent, see Fool. Omnipresence, see Ubiquity. Omniscience, see Half. Omniscient, see Fool. Omnivorous, see Hog; Woman. Omohundro, Dumbo, see Sacred. ] Once, adv. Enough. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ Onion, see Sacred. Oof, Naramy, see Fashion. Oopf, Jared, see Mammon. ] Opera, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motion but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word simulation is from simia, an ape; but in opera __________ _____ the actor takes for his model Simia audibilis (or _____ _________ Pithecanthropos stentor) -- the ape that howls. _______________ _______ The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; The opera performer apes the ape. [Ci;Cr;D;P Page 191 illus;S] Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Opossum, see Great. ] Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disap- pointment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Oppose, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. How lonely he who thinks to vex With badinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware: None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P. Orminder [Ci;Cr;D;S] Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest sub- jects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully in- struct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, in- forming the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe," Replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust. So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts Page 192 was defeated -- the members of the Govern- ment party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the Parlia- ment was dissolved with a battery of artil- lery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghar- garoo. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with the greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most ac- ceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief. "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness." said God. "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would justify them." "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked something -- the mortality of the optimist." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Optimist, see Pessimism; Railroad; Regalia. Oque, see Righteousness. Orangutan, see Harangue. ] Oratory, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Oratory, see Peroration. Orbit, see Fib. Order of the Undecipherable Scroll, see Regalia. Page 193 Ordinances, see Executive. Organ, see Preside. Oriental Order of Sons of the West, see Regalia. Original sin, see Infralapsarian. Orm, Phela, see Abscond. Orminder, Percy P., see Oppose. ] Orphan, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human na- ture. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of its rudimentary sense of lo- cality it is taught to know its place. It is then in- structed in the arts of dependence and servitude and eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a boot- black or scullery maid. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Orphan, see Troglodyte. ] Orthodox, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Orthography, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the out- mates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. The judge said: "Enough-- His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Ortolansm caviare, see Soul. Osiris, see Babe. ] Ostrich, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious na- turalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 194 Othello, see Handkerchief. ] Otherwise, adv. No better. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Otumwee, see Mouse. Outcumbent, see Incumbent. ] Outcome, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be judged by the light that the doer had when he per- formed it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Outdo, v.t. To make an enemy. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Outlook, see Prospect. Outmates, see Orthography. ] Out-of-Doors, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly use- ful to inspire poets. I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly splendid story. "Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till Neddy was pretty well rested. The moon rising solemnly over the crest Of the hills to the east of my station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west Like a visible new creation. And I thought of a joke (and laughed till I cried) Of an idle young woman who tarried About a church-door for a look at the bride, Although 'twas herself married. To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand Ideas -- with thought and emotion. I pity the dunces who don't understand The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. Stromboli Smith [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 195 Ovation, n. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who has been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lessor "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous ex- pression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place. "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly queer, That people and critics by him had been led by the ear. The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion as plain as a peg; In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. ____ It means egg. Dudley Spink [Ci;Cr;D;S] Overeat, v. To dine. Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, Shows Man's superiority to Beast. John Boop [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Owe, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Owen, Mr. G. J., see Story. ] Oyster, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Oyster, see Great. ] Page 196 -----P----- [ Pachyderm, see Deinotherium. Padres, see Infidel. Pages, see Commonwealth. ] Pain, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or it may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune on another. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work; the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Painting, see Novel; Realism. ] Palace, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Palace, see Hovel. Pale Horse, see Carmelite. Paleolithic, see Troglodyte. Pallas, see Birth. ] Palm, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the "itching palm" (Palma hominis) is most widely dis- _____ _______ tributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by Page 197 applying to the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a consider- able percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as "benefactions." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Palma hominis, see Palm. Palmers, see Infidel. ] Palmistry, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false: character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading it aloud. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Palmyra, see Freemasons. ] Pandemonium, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of dis- tinction. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pantaloons, A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pantheism, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in con- tradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Pantidoodles, see Righteousness. ] Pantomime, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Pants, see Pantaloons. Papal Bulls, see Datary. Page 198 Paphlagonians, see Damn. Papyrus, see Fly-Speck. Parasite, see Prison; Wall Street. Parchment, see Fly-Speck. ] Pardon, v. To remit a penalty and restore to a life crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Paris, see Dejeuner; Freemasons; Hades. Parliamentary party, see Roundhead. Parnassus, see Lyre. Parnell, see Repentance. Parrot, see Slang. Parson, see Imposition; Infidel. Parthenon, see Freemasons. Partibus Infidelium, see Right. ] Passport, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A mov- ing line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disap- pointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mum- bling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one -- the knowledge and the dream. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pasteur, see Heart. ] Pastime, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle Page 199 exercise for intellectual debility. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pastors, see Infidel. Patagonian, see Gunpowder. Pate's de foie gras, see Soul. ] Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Patriarchs, see Infidel. Patrician, see Plebeian. ] Patriot, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem supe- rior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary pa- triotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an en- lightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Patriotism, see Diplomacy; Fool; Itch; Lead; Populist. Patronage, see Inauspiciously. Pauillac, see Connoisseur. Paul, see Flop. Paunchinello, see Table D' Hote. Pavements, see Geology. ] Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace. Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Page 200 Would marry it, too. If only they knew how to do it "Twere easy to do. They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles. Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls! Ro Amil [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Peace, see War. Peace Monument, see Story. Peacock, see Inauspiciously; Platitude; Regalia. Peck, Professor Harry Thurston, see LL.D. ] Pedestrian, n. The variable (and audible) part of the road- way for an automobile. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pedestrian, see Smithareen. ] Pedigree, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pedro, Dom, see Retribution. Pelly, Hengist, see Lettuce. Pen, see Quill. Penance, see Scarification. ] Penitent, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Penny saved is a penny earned, see Saw. Pentagrams, see Seal. Peoria, Illinois, see Dullards. Perdition, see Admonition; Reprobation. Peresilis, see Birth. ] Page 201 Perfection, n. An imaginary state or quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an at- tribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine hav- ing received a letter pointing out the er- roneous nature of this views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you." and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Perigree, see Fib. ] Peripatetic, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philo- sophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they knew no more of the matter than he. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Perjury, see Oath. ] Peroration, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Perpetual Curates, see Infidel. ] Perseverance, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner of all that is good in a race. Sukker Uffro [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Persia, see Druids; Manicheism. Page 202 Peruvians, see Feast. ] Pessimism, n. A philosophy of forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the op- timist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pessimist, see Optimist. Pesth, see Halo. Peter, see Frying-pan; Reliquary. Peters, Agamemnon Melancthon, see Scrap-book. Pew rents, see Druids. Phalanx of Phalangers, see Regalia. Phallic worship, see Cross. Pharaoh, see Frog; Humoris; Plague. Phenomenon, see Noumenon. ] Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Philanthropist, see Ingrate; Restitutor. Philippe of Orange, see Bondsman. Philistia, see Dullard. ] Philistine, n. One whose mind is the creature of its en- vironment, following fashion in thought, feeling and senti- ment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Philistine, see Dullard; Witticism. Philology, see Quixotic. Philosopher, see Abracadabra; Poverty; Reality; Soul. Philosopher, the Mad, see Aphorism; Diary. ] Page 203 Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Philosophy, see Academe; Cartesian; Epicure; Esoteric; Fool; Gnostics; Half; Innate; Logic; Monad; Noumenon; Peripatetic; Pessimism; Platonic; Positivism; Preference; Pyrrhonism; Rubbish; Sophistry; Truth; Zenith. Phoenicians, see Baal; T. ] Phoenix, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." [D;S] Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead sounds. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Photograph, n. A picture painted by the sun without in- struction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Photography, see Novel. Phrenologists, see Immodest. ] Phrenology, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Physicia, see Baal. ] Physician, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Physician, see Apothecary; Body-snatcher; Diagnosis; Gout; Inscriptions; King's Evil; Prescription; Trichinosis; Yesterday. ] Physiognomy, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. "There us no art," says Shakspeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! Page 204 He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art." Lavatar Shunk [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Piano, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pibroch, see Wall Street. Piccolo, see Preside. Pick and shovel, see Body-snatcher. ] Pickaninny, n. The young of the Procyanthropos, or Ameri- ______________ ______ canus dominans. It is small, black and charged with politi- _____ ________ cal fatalities. [Cr;D;S] [ Pick-picket, see Ambidextrous; Auctioneer; Commerce; Epigram; Hand; Lecturer; Philanthropist; Phrenology. ] Picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three. "Behold great Daubert's picture here in view -- Taken from life." If that description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. Jali Hane [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pie, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indi- gestion. Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. -- The Rev. Dr. Mucker, in a Funeral Sermon Over a British Nobleman. Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -- or undone -- So far from that dear London. -- From the Headstone of a British Nobleman, in Kalamazoo [Ci;Cr;D;S] Piety, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based on His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. Judibras [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 205 Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the ______ _________ human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it stick at pig. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Pig, see Edible; Epigram; Piety; Pigmy; Trial; Trichinosis; Youth. Pigment, see Mummy. ] Pigmy, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Cen- tral Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians -- who are Hogmies. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Pignoramus intolerabilis, see Slang. ] Pilgrim, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not per- mitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to Mas- sachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Pilgrim, see Dullard; Infidel. ] Pillory, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction -- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Pipe, see Meerschaum. ] Piracy, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pirate, see Corsair; Exile. Pithecanthropos stentor, see Opera. ] Pitiful, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Pity, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by con- trast. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 206 [ Place, see Income. ] Plagiarism, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a dis- creditable priority and an honorable subsequence. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Plagiarism, see Dramatist. ] Plagiarize, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Plague, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the in- nocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar in- stance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we to-day have the happiness to know it is merely Nature's fortuitous mani- festation of her purposeless objectionableness. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Plague of Frogs, see Frog. Plaintiff, see Court Fool; Redress. ] Plan, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Platitude, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-morality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desic- cated epigram. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Platitude, see Applause; Dullard; Fool. Plato, see Soul. ] Platonic, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Platonists, see Gnostics. Platt, Parson, see Epitath. Page 207 ] Plaudits, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Plausibility, see Proof. Play, see Dramatist; Gallows; Opera. ] Please, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pleasure, see Debauchee; Epicure. ] Plebeian, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Plebiscite, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Plenipotentiary, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute au- thority on condition that he never exert it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pleonasm, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pliny, see Druids. ] Plow, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pludge, Orm, see Fiddle. Plume, see Wall Street. Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple, see Regalia. ] Plunder, v. To take the property of another without observ- ing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 208 [ Plunder, see Commerce. Pluto, see Leonine. Pober, Balthasa, see Woman. ] Pocket, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of consci- ence. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Poet, see Humanity; Imagination; Minstrel; Requiem; Rice-water; Rimer. Poet Laureate, see Laureate. ] Poetry, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Poetry, see Incommpossible; Rime; Success. Poison, see Arsenic; Belladonna. Poke, Alexander, see Humorist. ] Poker, n. A game said to be played with cards for some pur- pose to this lexicographer. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Poker, see Miracle. ] Police, n. An armed force for protection and participation. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Policemen, see Executive. Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential, see Regalia. ] Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Political parasite, see Prison. ] Page 209 Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trem- bling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. [Ci;Cr;D;S (out of order)] [ Politician, see Corsair; Lighthouse. ] Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a con- test of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. [Ci (out of order);Cr;D;P;S] [ Politics, see Administration; African; Agitator; Amnesty; Arena; Aristocracy; Battle; Commonwealth; Conservative; Consul; Degradation; Delegation; Deputy; Dullard; Freedom; House of Correction; Influence; Loss; Macrobian; Mugwump; Multitude; Negro; Nepotism; Nominate; Nominee; Opposition; Pandemonium; Pickaninny; Plebiscite; Presidency; President; Push; Quorum; Radicalism; Recount; Representative; Revolution; Rostrum; Safety-Clutch; Sandlotter; Sorcery; Story; Tariff; Tenacity; Trust. Politics, international, see Alliance; Boundary; Cannon; Consul; Diplomacy; Lead; Plenipotentiary; Projectile. Poll-tax, see Head-Money. Pollard, Mr. Percival, see Story. Polliwig, see Leviathan. Pollux, see Birth. ] Polygamy, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Ponies, see Circus. Poog, Porfer, see Safety-Clutch. Poor, see Acquaintance; Air; Distance. Pope, see Datary; Infidel; Soul. Pope's-nose, see Platitude. Page 210 ] Populist, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some na- turalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Porcophagy, see Trichinosis. Porcus omnivorus, see Pig. Porcus Rockefelleri, see Hog. Pork, see Trichinosis. Pork, pre-, see Cannibal. ] Portable, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vi- cissitudes of possession. His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, Is portable improperty, I take it. Worgum Slupsky [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Porter, see Commonwealth. Porter, Jane, see Leviathan. Portugal, see Jester. ] Portuguese, n. pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portu- gal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edi- ble, even when stuffed with garlic. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Portwine, Sir Lavender, See Duty. ] Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Positivism, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 211 [ Possession, see Property. Possum, see Great. ] Posterity, n. An appellate court which reverses the judg- ment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant be- ing his obscure competitor. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Postsusananthony, see Woman. Postulants, see Art; Infidel. ] Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent in- genuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all coun- tries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Potomac, see Washingtonian. ] Poverty, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philo- sophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are dis- tinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Poverty, see Ejection. Power, see Compulsion; Eulogy. ] Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Preacher, see Infidel; Insectivora; Rope; Tariff. ] Page 212 Pre-Adamite, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsa- tisfactory race that ante-dated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have been something inter- mediate between fishes and birds. Little is known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Prebendaries, see Infidel. ] Precedent, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of precedents elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Precentors, see Infidel. ] Precipitate, adj. Anteprandial. Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pre-Creational, see Freemasons. ] Predestination, n. The doctrine that all things occur ac- cording to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom wit ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief on both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Predestination, see Infralapsarian. Predestined, see Reprobation. ] Predicament, n. The wage of consistency. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 213 Predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Pre-existence, n. An unnoted factor in creation. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Preference, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." It is longer. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Preferment, see Income; Prelate. ] Prehistoric, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum, Antedating the are and practice of perpetuating fal- sehood. He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder, Set down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. Orpheus Bowen [Ci;Cr;D;S] Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ Prejudice, see Reason. ] Prelate, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Prelate, see Infidel. Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword, see Regalia. Premier, see Administration. Preordiation, see Reprobation. ] Page 214 Prerogative, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Presbyterian, n. One who holds the conviction that the governing authorities of the Church should be called pres- byters. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Presbyters, see Infidel; Presbyterian. ] Prescription, n. A physician's guess at what will best pro- long the situation with the least harm to the patient. [Ci;Cr;D;P illus;S] Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Present, see Past. ] Presentable, adj. Hideously appareled after the of the time and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his ab- domen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of sheep and dyed black. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] Preside, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo." The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with solemn face: "The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was ever provided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill and grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, And, spreading the paper down On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: "Great playing by President Brown." Orpheus Bowen [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Presidency, n. The greased pig in the field game of Amer- ican politics. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] President, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- and of whom only -- is it positively known that im- mense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them Page 215 for President. If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, for all we know, be President By acclamation. Cheer, ye Varlets, cheer -- I'm passing with a wide and open ear! Jonathan Fomry [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ President, see Administration; Executive; King's Evil; Macrobian; Right. Prestidigitator, see Dentist. Prevalence, see Regalia. ] Prevaricator, n. A liar in the caterpillar state. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Prevention of Prevalence, see Regalia. Pribyloff Islands, see Seal. ] Price, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Priest, see Altar; Art; Birth; Brahma; Canonicals; Druids; Imposition; Laocoon; Sacerdotalist; Scarabaeus; Unction. ] Primate, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of Eng- land is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentle- man, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Primate, see Infidel. Printing, see Fool; Type. Prior, see Carmelite; Frankalmoigne; Infidel. Prioresses, see Infidel. ] Page 216 Prison, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that -- "Stone walls do not a prison make." but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Prisoner, see Trial. ] Private, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's ba- ton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Private Ownership, see Land. Privation, see Loss. Probationary, see Alien. ] Proboscis, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tor- mentor, and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high promon- tory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The| Ladies' Home ____________ ____ Journal, is much respected for the purity _______ and sweetness of his personal character. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Procinus, Manutius, see Half. Procyanthropos, see Pickaninny. Profane, see Sacred. Profit, see Corporation. Prohibition, see Grape. ] Page 217 Projectile, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimen- tary logic of the times could supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in mili- tary affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Proletariat, see Sandlotter. Promasius, see Soul. Promotion, see Epaulet. Pronunciation, see Quixotic; Reveille. ] Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Proof-reader, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitted the compositor to make it uni- ntelligible. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Property, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all the others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Property, see Land. Prophets, see Infidel. ] Prophecy, n. The art and practice of selling one's credi- bility for future delivery. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Propitiation, see Inferiae; Trinity. Prosecuting attorney, see Respite. Prosodists, see Leonine. ] Prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expecta- tion, usually forbidden. Page 218 Blow, Blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Prospecting, see Rhadomancer. Prosperity, see Distress. Prostitute, see Magdalene. Protassus, see Incubus. Protestant church, see Sacrament. Protestants, see Harmonists; Religion. Proverb, see Saw. Providence, see Air; Appetite; Insectivora; Rapacity. ] Providential, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously benefi- cial to the person describing it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Providers, see Male. Provincialism, see Metropolis. Prow, see Rostrum. ] Prude, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Prudence, see Sophistry. Prudent, see Contempt. Psalms, see Pilgrim. Pterodactyl, see Deinotherium. ] Publish, v. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Pull, see Push. Pumpums, see Infidel. Page 219 Pun, see Last. Punctuation, see Fly-Speck. Punishment, see Impenitence; Prison; Repentance. Purgatory, see Frankalmoigne. Purvy, Bogul S., see Hypochondriasis. ] Push, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Pute, Romach, see Erudition. Pyramids, see Freemasons. Pyrophile, see Salamander. ] Pyrrhonism, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inven- tor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 220 -----Q----- [ Quaker, see Non-Combatant. ] Queen, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Quibbles, see Sophistry. Quid pro quo, see Influence. ] Quill, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Quill pens, see Goose. Quinker, Bartle, see Fib. ] Quiver, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. He extracted from his quiver, Did this controversial Roman, An argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. Oglum P. Boomp [Ci;Cr;D;S] Quixotic, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. When ignorance from out our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. Juan Smith [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 221 Quixote, Don, see Quixotic. ] Quorum, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chair- man of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. Intent upon making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that he would be Condemned eternally, Ah, me, ah, me! Stumpo Gaker [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Quotient, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about as many times as it can be got there. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 222 -----R----- [ Rabbis, see Infidel. Rabbit, see Effect; Magnificent; Rarebit. ] Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme au- thority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it does do nothing. (The word is Aristocra- tese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rabble, see Rostrum. ] Rack, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day. [Ci (out of order);Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ Radish, see Embalm. ] Radium, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Railey, Sempen, see Insectivora. ] Railroad, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Page 223 Railroad, see Fool. Railroad Magnates, see Misdemeanor. Railroad tracks, see Geology. Rain-spout, see Gargoyle. Ramasilus, see Ass. Ramoth, see Refuge. ] Ramshackle, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architec- ture, otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States as of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Thro-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Rank, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royal back." Aramis Jukes [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rank, see Resign. ] Ransom, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofit- able of investments. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rapacity, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rapacity, see Property. ] Rarebit, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-the-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau a` la financie're is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rascal, n. A fool considered under another aspect. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 224 Rascality, n. Stupidly militant. The activity of a clouded intellect. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rash, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! How can you be so rash?" Bootle P. Gish [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Rat, see House. Rat-pit, see Arena. Rats, see Poverty. ] Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of obser- vation, experience and reflection. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rattlesnake, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans. ____ _____________ [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Razing Hell here, see Hades. ] Razor, n. An instrument used by the Caucasians to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth. [Cr;D;S] Reach, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide. This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment in his reach. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Readers, see Infidel. ] Reading, n. The general body of what ones reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter We know his Hereafter. Page 225 Read nothing, laugh never -- The Sphinx was less clever! Jupiter Muke [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Realism, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or story written by a measuring-worm. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. [Ci;[Cr;D;S] Really, adv. Apparently. [Ci;[Cr;D;S] [ Realm, see Queen. ] Rear, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reason, v.i. To weigh probabilities in the scales of desire. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reason, n. Propensitate of prejudice. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reasonable, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Rebel, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Recollect, v. To recall with additions something not pre- viously known. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reconciliation, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reconsider, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Recount, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, according to the player against whom they are loaded. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Recreation, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Recruit, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait. Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Page 226 Except for two impediments -- his feet. Thompson Johnson [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Rector, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Rector, see Infidel; Zany. Recursion, see Edible. Red Cross, see Cross. ] Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it. We must awake Man's spirit from its sin, And take some special measure for redeeming it; Through hard indeed the task to get it in Among the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. I'm awkward it Redemption -- a beginner: My method is to crucify the sinner. Golgo Brone [Ci;Cr;D;S] Redress, n. Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo-Saxons a subject con- ceiving himself wronged by the king was per- mitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied on his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured mod- eration in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Red-skin, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at least not on the outside. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Reductus in pulvis, see R.I.P. ________ __ ______ Redundancy, see Regalia (Oriental Order of the Sons of the West) ] Redundant, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop. __ ____ Page 227 The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." Habeed Suleiman Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. -- Theodore Roosevelt [Ci;Cr;D;S] Referendum, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsenus of public opinion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reflection, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesteryear and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again en- counter. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Reflection, see Rational. ] Reform, n. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Reform, see Poverty. Reformation, see Repentance. ] Refuge, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedient sup- plied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Refusal, n. denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Regalia, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Delectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodyes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; Page 228 the Mystic Alliance of Gorgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sub- lime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospit- able Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cesspool; the Society for Pre- vention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undeci- pherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Reincarnation, see Theosophy. ] Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ig- norance the nature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion, my son?" in- quired the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" "Impossible! I should not be ashamed of atheism." "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Religion, see Allah; Altar; Archbishop; Arrest; Art; Ass; Avernus; Baal; Babe; Bacchus; Baptism; Bath; Behavior; Benedictines; Birth; Bounty; Brahma; Caaba; Carmelite; Christian; Clergyman; Coenobite; Convent; Cross; Datary; Decalogue; Deluge; Dog; Druids; Elysium; Eucharist; Evangelist; Excess; Excommunication; Exhort; Page 229 Faith; Feast; Frankalmoigne; Frying-pan; Gnostics; Halo; Harmonists; Heathen; Heaven; Hibernate; Homiletics; Iconoclast; Illuminati; Impale; Imposition; Inadmissible; Indigestion; Infidel; Infralapsarian; Irreligion; Jester; Joss-stick; Koran; Mammon; Manicheism; Martyr; Mayonnaise; Monsignor; Neighbor; Nirvana; Oath; Occident; Orthodox; Palace; Piety; Pilgrim; Pray; Predestination; Prelate; Presbyterian; Primate; Prophecy; Rack; Rector; Redemption; Reliquary; Requiem; Revelation; Reverence; Riches; Righteousness; Rite; Ritualism; Rubbish; Sabbath; Sacerdotalist; Sacrament; Sacred; Saint; Satan; Scarabaeus; Scarification; Scriptures; Soul; Tedium; Theosophy; Trichinosis; Trinity; Turkey; Ubiquity; Unitarian; Universalist; Worship. Religious conversion, see Flop. Religious meditation, see Editor. Religious warfare, see Eucharist; Foreordination; Predestination; Ubiquity. ] Reliquary, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterbury _____ _________ cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so enraged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rem, John, see Archbiship. Remain, see Smithareen. Remember, see Recall. Remittance, see Envelope. ] Renown, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and Page 230 fame -- a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then Ithuriel touched me With a revealing spear. Not all my genius, great as 'tis, Could urge we out of night. I felt the faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light! W. G. Candleton [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Renown, see Notoriety. Renunciation, see Resign. ] Reparation, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Reparation, see Redress. ] Repartee, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tac- tics of the North American Indian. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Repentance, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Pun- ishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin. Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals And add you to the woes of other souls. Jomater Abemy [Ci;D;S] [ Repentance, see Enthusiasm; Reliquary. ] Replica, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is the more valu- able, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Page 231 Reporter, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." Barson Maith [Ci;Cr;D;S] Repose, v.i. To cease from troubling. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Representative, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Reprobation, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salva- tion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Reproduction, see Replica. Reproof, gentle, see Admonition. Repsky, Gargo, see Last. ] Republic, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted au- thority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Republic, see Absolute; Fool; Rabble; Retribution. Republicans, see Tariff. ] Requiem, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets as- sure us the winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Requiescat in pace, see R.I.P. ] Page 232 Resident, adj. Unable to leave. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Residentiaries, see Infidel. ] Resign, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage. 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station. By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The country humbly was resigned To Leonard's resignation -- His Christian resignation. Politian Greame [Ci;Cr;D;S] Resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. [Cr;D;P;S] [ Resolute Optimists, see Regalia. ] Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a _______ bald head and a bank account. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Respectability, see Income; Corporation. ] Respirator, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Respite, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation. Altgeld upon his incandescent bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head. "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from the roast, however brief. "Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm Page 233 O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, Not even the memory of who you are." Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide While they were turning him on t'other side. Joel Spate Woop [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Resplendent, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade. The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. -- "Chronicles of the Classes" [Ci;Cr;D;S] Respond, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a con- sciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external coexistences" as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, responding to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, inciden- tally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky start And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!" "The Sturdy Beggar" [Ci;Cr;D;S] ___ ______ ______ [ Restaurant, see Duck-bill. Page 234 ] Restitution, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Restitutor, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Retaliation, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Retreat, see Dragoon. ] Retribution, n. A rain of fire-and-brimestone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not pro- cured shelter by evicting them. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise: What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know That empires are ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in? G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Retroactive, see Epitath. ] Reveille, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but to get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their misfortunes and their sacred dishonour. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Revenge, see Longanimity; Meekness. ] Reverence, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Page 235 [ Reverences, see Infidel. ] Review, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it. Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it The Qualities that you have first read into it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Revised, see Saint. Revivalists, see Infidel. ] Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the sub- stitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually ac- companied by a considerate effusion of blood, but are ac- counted worth it -- this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value to the So- cialist of to-day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Revolution, see Insurrection. Rewards, see Prison. Rhadamanthus, see Editor. ] Rhadomancer, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Rheims, see Religion. Rhetoric, see Mendacious. Rheumatism, see Smithareen. Rhyme, see Rime. Rhyming Couplet, see Leonine. Page 236 ] Ribaldry, n. Censorious language by another concerning one- self. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Ribroaster, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic School. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rice-water, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience. It is said to be rich in both ob- tundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rich, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the un- thrifty, the envious and the luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rich, see Acquaintance; Distance; Gout; Kleptomaniac; Mausoleum; Philanthropist. ] Riches, n. A gift from Heaven signifying. "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." -- John D. Rockefeller The reward of toil and virtue. -- G. P. Morgan The savings of many in the hands of one. -- Eugene Debs To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicogra- pher feels that he can add nothing of value. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rident, see Ridicule. ] Ridicule, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character dis- tinguishing him who utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftsbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a ridiculous assertion, for many a Page 237 solemn fallacy has undergone centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example has been more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant Respectability? [Ci;Cr;D;S] Right, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in partibus infidelium outside the enlightened realms of __ ________ __________ Democracy; as the well-known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following: By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour His uninvited session on the throne, or air His pride securely in the Presidential chair. Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good Land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! If so, God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty of contributory negligence. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Right, see Optimism. ] Righteousness, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned mis- sionaries to introduce it into several European countries, but it appears to have been imperfectly expounded. An exam- ple of this faulty exposition is found in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from which is here given: "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, in all those Page 238 injurious enterprises from which, through a better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain." [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rime, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." [Ci;Cr;D;S] Rimer, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. Mowbray Myles [Ci;Cr;D;S] Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Riot, see Arrayed; Degenerate; Retribution. ] R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace, at- __________ __ ____ testing an indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis. [Ci;Cr;D;S] ________ __ ______ [ Rip Van Fairbanks, see Lore. ] Rite, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Ritualism, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ River, see Whangdepootenawah. Riz-de-veau a` la financie're, see Rarebit. ] Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. Borey the Bald [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 239 [ Road, see Pedestrian. ] Robber, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. When Voltaire's turn came he said: "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Say- ing nothing more, he was encouraged to con- tinue. "That," he said, "is the story." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Robbers, see Ethnology. Rochebriant, see Eat; Religion. Rochem, Sir Boyle, see Ubiquity. Rockefeller, John D., Hog; Lore; Riches. Rocks, see Geology. Roman Alphabet, see W. Roman Catholic Church, see Datary; Feast; Sacrament. ] Romance, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are, In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over the en- tire region of the imagination -- free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening chain" of his own forg- ing he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Romance, see Novel. Page 240 Rome, see Feast; Fiddle; Freemasons; History; Inauspiciously; Inferiae; Manes; Mouse; Ovation; Plebeian; Quiver; Reliquary; Road; Satyr; Zeus. Roof, see Understanding. Roomer, see Lodger. Roosevelt, Theodore, see Redundant. ] Rope, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Roquot, Tinley, see End. Rose, see Embalm. ] Rostrum, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In American, a place from which a candidate for of- fice energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rouen, see Half. ] Roundhead, n. A member of the Parliamentary party in the English civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fel- low, found it more convenient to let his hair grow rather than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular in- dignation. Descendents of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rowley, Bishop, see Righteousness. Royalists, see Roundhead. ] Rubbish, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, Page 241 philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Rubbish, see Abatis; Flag. ] Ruin, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's be- lief in the virtue of maids. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S illus] Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Rum, see Wine. ] Rumor, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let we wield Against my enemy no other blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt, And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting the rumor of some ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe. Joel Buxter [Ci;D;S] [ Rumormongering, see Decalogue (IX). Rural Deans, see Infidel. Russell, Miss Lillian, see Tights. Russia, see Monarch; Nihilist; Novel. ] Russian, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic. [Cr;D;P;S] [ Rye, see Nectar. ] Page 242 -----S----- Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubt- ful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment: Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Sabbath, see Arrest; Christian; Decalogue (IV); Monday. Sacerdotal, see Seal. ] Sacerdotalist, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the har- diest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Ep- iscolopian church by the Neo-Dictionarians. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Sacrament, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will in- dubitably be damned. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Sacred, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, Page 243 the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain. Dumbo Omohundro [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Sacrifice, see Altar. Sacrilege, see Impale. Sacristan, see Infidel; Reliquary. ] Safety-Clutch, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Once I seen a human ruin In a elevator-well, And his members was bestrewin' All the place where he had fell. And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your position's so suprisin' That I tremble for your neck!" Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke." Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs -- How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an alibi. These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate. None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well. Page 244 Now this tale is allegoric -- It is figurative all, For the well is metaphoric And the feller didn't fall. I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a laurel As was gotten by deceit. For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind. It will boost a person splendid If his talent is the kind. Col. Bryan had the talent (for the busted man is him) And it shot him up right gallant Till his head begun to swim. Then the rope it broke above him And he painful came to earth Where there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth. Though he's living' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such. Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch. Porfer Poog [Ci;Cr (out of order);D;S (out of order)] [ Sailors, see Sabbath. ] Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Vil- leroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was perfect gentleman, though a fool." [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Saint, see Reliquary. Saint Andrew, see X. Saint Dennis, see Reliquary. Page 245 Saint Francis de Sales, see Saint. Saint John the Divine, see Revelation. Saint Louis, see Inferiae. Saint Luke, see Magdalene. Saint Peter's, see Reliquary. Sakko-Samshi, see Scimetar. ] Salacity, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in in- troducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfor- tune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Salamander, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy wa- ter. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Salamander, see Sylph. Salmasius, see Logomachy. Saloon, see Story. Salvation, see Evangelist; Reprobation. Salzmann, Ludwig, see Impale. Samson, see Laureate. San Franciso, see Sandlotter. San Jose, see Story. Sanctity, see Sacrament. Sanctorum Custus, see LL.D. Sandhill crane, see Whangdepootenawah. ] Sandlotter, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Fran- ciso, whose audiences gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) Page 246 of the town. True to the traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of solecisms. The similarity between the word "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" is problematically signifi- cant, but indubitably suggestive. [Cr;D;S (out of order)] [ Sandwich Islands, see Electricity. Sanity, see Mad. Sansculotte, see Sandlotter. Santlemann's Band, see Story. Santons, see Infidel. Saponaceous, see Oleaginous. Saracen, see Acephalous. ] Sarcophagus, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The Sar- cophagus known to modern obsequiographers is commonly a pro- duct of the carpenter's art. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Satan, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed ad- versary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make his laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." Page 247 It was so ordered. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Satan, see Brandy; Coenobite; Excommunication; Female; Frying-pan; Incubus; Lead; Machination; Respond; Smithareen; Sycophant; Tariff. Satan, Rev. John, see LL.D. ] Satiety, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Satire, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were ex- pounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible quali- ties, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave, and his every victim's outcry for code- fendents evokes a national assent. Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. Had it been such as consecrates the Bible Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. Barney Stims [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Satire, see Vituperation. Satisfaction, see Damn; Redress. Saturnian, see Youth. ] Satyr, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythol- ogy accorded recognition in Hebrew (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community ack- nowledging a loose allegiance to Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. No infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Sauce, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and en- lightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine, For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is Page 248 renounced and forgiven. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S illus] [ Sauce, see Mayonnaise. Saul of Tarsus, see Flop. ] Saw, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. A penny saved is a penny to squander. A man is known by the company that he organizes. A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. A bird in the hand will bring what it is worth. Better late than before anybody has in- vited you. Example is better than following it. Half a loaf is better than a whole loaf if there is much else. Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. What is worth doing is worth the trou- ble of asking somebody else to do it. Least said is soonest disavowed. He laughs best who laughs least. Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. Of two evils choose to be the least. Strike while your employer has a big contract. Where there's a will there's a won't. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Sawrian, see Alligator. Page 249 Saxon, see Monosyllabic. Scabbard, see Envelope. Scanavius, see Macrobian. Scandal, School for, see Calumnus. ] Scarabaeus, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to sym- bolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal rever- ence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an infe- rior beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Scarabee, n. The same as scarabaeus. He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And she, in the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate! They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on, Dead for a Scarabee! Ferdando Tapple [Ci;Cr;D;S] Scarification, n. A form of penance practiced by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfiguration. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objec- tions to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 250 Scepter, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial meas- ures by breaking the bones of their proponents. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Schekem, see Refuge. Schismatics, see Impale. Schley, Rear-Admiral, see Story. Schliemann, Dr., see Frog. School for Scandal, see Calumnus. Science, see Dullard; Rubbish; Sophistry; Theosophy. Scientist, see Radium. ] Scimitar, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese of Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century. When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for the performance of the rite what was his Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man who would have been at that time ten minutes dead! "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off by the public executioner at three o'clock? And is it not now 3:10? "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is a lie in comparison. But your Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimeter, ostentatiously whirled it in the air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the Page 251 neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a favorite. I am come to prey for justice upon his own dishonor- able and treasonous head." "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. graph "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seven -- I know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the Presence. "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been thy pleas- ure to sever?" "Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blossoms," replied the executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now turned on the execu- tioner, who had grown as white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in gasps of terror. "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and dis- graced swordsman! I struck the villain fee- bly because in flourishing the scimeter I had accidentlly passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my of- fice." So saying, he grasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the mikado's feet. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Scimitar, see Acephalous. Scotchman, see Close-fisted; Itch; Kilt. Page 252 Scoundrel, see Patriotism. ] Scrap-book, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of small distinction compile scrap-books con- taining whatever they happen to read about themselves or em- ploy others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true Of every kind of peppered roast That's made of you; Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name, Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame; Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace -- Your funny figure and your strange Semitic face -- Pray lend it to me. Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily drubbings you'd have got Had God a fist. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose views are an- tagonistic to one's own. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Scribes, see Infidel. ] Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Scriptures, see Soul. Scrofa, see King's Evil. Scrofula, see King's Evil. Scroll, see Regalia. Scrutator, Marcus Ansello, see Avernus. Scythians, see Cynic. ] Seal, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents Page 253 to attest their authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper it- self. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the British Museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote utility, it is pleas- ing to note an example of ancient nonsense evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero, without wax, but the ____ ____ learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which the letters were formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will serve one in im- mediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L. S., commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, meaning locum _____ sigillis, the place of the seal, although the seal is no ________ longer used -- an admirable example of conservatism dis- tinguishing Man from the beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humbly suggested as a suitable motto for _____ ________ the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Secchi, Father, see Ghoul. Secret, see Confidant Sedentarians, see Regalia. Seidlitz powders, see Intimacy. ] Seine, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of women were in that sack -- A draft miraculous, precious! But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the meshes. Baruch de Loppis [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Page 254 [ Self-denial, see Delusion. ] Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for selfishness of others. [Ci;D;S] [ Selfserving, see Epigram. Sell, see Justice. Selp, Ariel, see Ingrate. ] Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Senate, see Quorum. Senator, see Ass. ] Serial, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each instalment is a "syn- opsis of preceding chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synopsis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read them. A synopsis of the entire work would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly paper in collabora- tion with a genius whose name has not come down to us. They wrote, not jointly but al- ternately, Bowman supplying the instalment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world without end, the hoped. Unfortunately the quarreled, and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to pre- pare himself for his task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Page 255 Sermon, see Homiletics; Piety. Servis, Professor Garrett P., see In'ards. Seven Aldermen of Ephesus, see Lore. ] Severalty, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay -- His small belongings their appointed prey; Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, Persuaded elsewhere every little while! His fire unquenched and his undying worm By "land in severalty" (charming term!) Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, And he to his new holding anchored fast! [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Sewer gas, see Sylph. Sextons, see Infidel. Shaftsbury, see Ridicule. Shah, see Immodest. Shakspeare, see Ass; Hag; Handkerchief; Physiognomy. Shankank, see Whangdepootenawah. Shave, see Razor. Shaving, see Beard. Sheber, Bishop, see Prospect. Shebrew, see Hebrew. Sheep, see Presentable. Sheik, see Infidel. Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk, see Ultimatum. Sherany, Gopete, see Eat. ] Page 256 Sheriff, n. In America, the chief executive officer of a county, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, as the catching and hanging of rogues. John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be. "Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! The sun has never looked upon So bad a man as Neighbor John." A sinner through and through, he had This added fault: it made him mad To know another man was bad. In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night And quench that wicked person's light. Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree And leaving him swinging wide and free Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame Was given to the cheerful flame. While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town. "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be -- An anar c, h, i, s, t." (That is the way they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So strong the aversion that it stirred.) "Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling. "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear -- "By these we swear that he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache By sins of rope and torch and stake. "We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil Page 257 The mandates of his lawless will." "So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff. The affair Was opened, it is said, with prayer. G. Milton Sloluck [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Shinar, Plain of, see Baal. Shining Inaccessibles, see Regalia. Ship, see Flag; Harbor; Rostrum. Shoe, see Mind. Shoemaker, see Last. Short-ribs, see Reliquary. Shot, see Flag. Shrine, see Regalia. Shum, Harley, see Old. Shunk, Lavatar, see Physiognomy. Shusi Itama, see Scimetar. Sign of the cross, see Ghoul. Silcox, Bella Peeler, see Leonine. Silesia, see Gnome. Silver lining, see Disobedience. Simia Audibilis, see Opera. Simpleton, see Sorcery. Simulation, see Opera. Simurgh, see Rabble. Sin, see Brahma; Christian; Day; Deluge; Idleness; Impenitence; Repentance; Success; Wall Street. Sincere, see Seal. Sine cero, see Seal. Singer, see Minstrel. Page 258 Singiny, Arpad, see Nose. Sinner, see Excommunication; Precipitate; Redemption. Sir Knights Jawy, see Knight. ] Siren, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dis- sembled purpose and disappointing performance. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Siva, see Brahma. Skull, see Erudition. Slander, see Technicality. ] Slang, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolera- __________ _________ bilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters _____ with his tongue that which he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a par- rot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Slap-stick, see Curse. Slave, see Emancipation; Inauspiciously; Marriage. Slave-driver, see Debt. Sleek, see Oleaginous. Sleeping John Sharp Williams, see Lore. Slippery-elm, see Tenacity. Sloluck, G. Milton, see Sheriff. Slupsky, Worgum, see Portable. Smero, see K. Smile, see Rarebit. Smith, Charlotte, see Smithareen. Smith, Edam, see Tariff. Smith, Giacomo, see Corporal. Smith, John, see Inscriptions. Page 259 Smith, Juan, see Quixotic. Smith, Polydore, see Brahma; Sophistry; Youth. Smith, Sigismund, see Lexicographer. Smith, Stromboli, see Out-of-Doors. ] Smithareen, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verses a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" it is seen at its best: The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel; In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin down the way From duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! Their bells go all the morning; Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians a-warning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, Good-Lording and O-mying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, Her fat with anger frying. She blocks the path that leads to wrath, Jack Satan's power defying. The wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green. What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! John Williams Yope [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Smoke, see Sylph. Smooth, see Oleaginous. Snails, see Female. Snake, see Adder; Basilisk; Controversy; Edible; Geology; Language; Laocoon; Rattlesnake. Snedeker, see Gnome; K. Sneeze, see Reliquary. Soak, see Tope. Soap-boilers, see Roundhead. Soapy Sam, see Oleaginous. Page 260 Socialism, see Grapeshot; Troglodyte. Society for Prevention of Prevalence, see Regalia. Socrates, see Platonic. Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs, see Regalia. Soldier, see Barrack; Dragoon; Misericorde; Valor. Solecisms, see Sandlotter. Solemn, see Philistine. Solemnity, see Ability. Solicitate of gold, see Adamant. Solomon, See Dog; Freemasons. Soluble, see Adamant. Song of Hiawatha, see Whangdepootenawah Sons of the South Star, see Regalia. Sons of the West, see Regalia. Soper, Han, see Life. Sophis, see Infidel. ] Sophistry, n. The controversial method of an opponent, dis- tinguished from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is that of the later Sophists, a Gre- cian sect of philosophers who began teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words. His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To falsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. Polydore Smith [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Sorceresses, see Hag. ] Sorcery, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of politi- cal influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and Page 261 sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Sorcery, see Inadmissible. ] Soul, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous states of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato him- self was a philosopher. The souls that had least contem- plated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broadbrowed philosopher, was a usurper and despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philo- sophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the soul," said the renowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hath been hardly ___________ _________ more argument than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' -- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for the un- wholesome viands of the general market and the public refec- tory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on ortolansm caviare, terra- pin, anchovies, pate's de foie gras and all such Christian ______ __ ____ ____ comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, and wreck its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope, nor His Grace, the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will assent to its dissemination. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Page 262 [ Soul, see Admonition; Affliction; Everlasting; Houri; In'ards; Platitude; Satan. South Africa, see Gnu. Southey, Robert, see Laureate. Sovereign, see Abdication; Absolute; Alien; Coronation. Spaniard, see Tope. Spanish, see Quixotic. Sparrow, see Whangdepootenawah. Speak, see Saw. Speak of the Devil and he will appear, see Saw. Speaker of the House, see Quorum. Spear, see Projectile. Specialist, see Connoisseur. Speech, see Harangue. Spelling, see Orthography. Spencer, see Positivism. Spencer, Herbert, see Respond. Sphinx, see Reading. Spink, Dudley, see Ovation. Spinsters, see Smithareen. Spittle, see Controversy. Splaypes humpidorsus, see Camel. Spleen, see In'ards. Splendor of the universe, see Opposition. Splurge, Miss Sallie Ann, see Lord. Spoils, see Lighthouse. ] Spooker, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with Page 263 the supernatural phenomena, especially the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. Wil- liam D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Spoon, see Regalia. Spotlight, see Regalia. Sputa, see Laughter. Squander, see Saw. Staff of Office, see Mace. Stag, see Gnu. Stage, see Tights. Stanford University, see Leviathan. Stantatus, C., see Ass. Statesman, see Agitator; Arena; Conservative; Multitude; Politician; Politician; Quiver; Tariff. Statisticians, see Dullards. Steal, see Deputy. Stealing, see Decalogue (VIII). Steam bath, see Bath. Steamboat, see Fool. Steeple, see House of God. Sterling sign-Sterling sign-D, see LL.D. Stims, Barney, see Satire. Stoic, see Callous. Stomach, see Abdomen; In'ards; Soul; Symbolic. Stone walls, see Prison. Stones to bread, see Caaba. ] Page 264 Story, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. One Evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner along- side Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. Pollard," said he, "My book, The ___ Biography of a Dead Cow, is published _________ __ _ ____ ___ anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir." replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it." Mr. W. C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to writ- ing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon Mr. G. J. Owen, a well-known journalist. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez's favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" "My dear fellow," the journalist re- plied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I'm afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and I don't dare go where there is enough light to read it." Page 265 Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello, I've heard that band before, Santlemann's, I think." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in view, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming pro- cession had passed and the two observers had recovered for the transient blindness caused by its effulgence ---- "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys one-half so well." The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark,said: "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly: "He's an inveterate smoker." Page 266 The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substituted the mor- tal part of the colt. Presently another man entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that mule, barkeep: it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the in- cinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clark, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with un- common emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in town. General H. H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly beautiful. returning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing its master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote ancestor!" thun- dered the great strategist, "what do you mean by being out of bed after taps? -- and with my coat on!" Adam rose and with a reproachful look Page 267 got down on all fours in the manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably enter- tained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those ex- cellent cigars. Where do you get them?" General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteen minutes." [Ci;Cr;D;S 2 illus] [ Stour, see Reliquary. Straw man, see Administration. Street car, see Electricity. Strigg, Venable, see Macrobian. Strike while the iron is hot, see Saw. Strunk, Arbely C., see Enough. Sturdy Beggar, see Responsibility. Stutz, Offenbach, see Washingtonian. Subdeans, see Infidel. Sublapsarians, see Infralapsarian. Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants, see Regalia. ] Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassilasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce." The lad who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear Page 268 A crimson cravet, a far-away look And a head of hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Success, see Indecision. Succubae, see Incubus. Sudbury, see Ghoul. Suffragans, see Infidel. ] Suffrage, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arranged for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has not standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A's absten- tion from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibil- ity, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Suffragette, see Suffrage. Sugar Trust, see Lore. Suitor, see Refusal. Suleiman, Habeed, see Redundant. Sultan, see Redundant. Sun god, see Baal. Sun-soaked, see Dog. Superfluous, see Redundant. Supernatural, see Spooker. Superseded, see Absent. Superstition, see Magic. Page 269 Supralapsarians, see Infralapsarian. Supreme Court, see Executive. Swallow (bird), see Bounty; Hibernate; Insectivora. Swatkin, see Urbanity. Sweden, see Gnome. Swig, see Tope. Swill, see Tope. Swim bladder, see Pedigree. Swindlers, see Ethnology. Swine, see Rabble. Swope, Gorton, see Heat. Sword, see Projectile; Regalia; Scimetar. ] Sycophant, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor. As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. Gelasma, if it paid you to devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; If to the task of honoring its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well, The world would benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- Your favor for a moment's space denied And to the nobler object turned aside. Isn't not enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, Or, cursed with consciences that bit them fly To safer villainies of darker dye, Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, To steal (they call it "cornering")our bread May see you groveling their boots to lick And begging for the favor of a kick? Page 270 Still must you follow to the bitter end Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And in your eagerness to please the rich Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer! What's Satan done that him you should eschew? He too is reeking rich -- deducting you. [Ci;D;P;S] Syllogism, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and a inconsequent. (See Logic.) [Ci;D;S] [ Those who can, do Those who can't, teach Those who can't teach, teach Education. Syllogism, see Logic. ] Sylph, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fa- tally polluted by factory smoke, sewer gas and similar pro- ducts of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested in inaccessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] Symbol, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Symbolic, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and inter- pretation of symbols. They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, Or ill [in] some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples out of season, Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic. G.J. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Page 271 [ Sympathy, see Condole. Syphilis, see King's Evil. Syren, see Siren. [P illus] Szedgkin, see Halo. ] Page 272