-----T----- T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." [Ci;D;S] Table D' Hote, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madame P. to table, And there deliriously fed As fast as he was able. "I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your table D' hotage." Associated Poets [Ci;D;S] [ Tadpole, see Leviathan. ] Tail, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in his foetal state, man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail would be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is string and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an im- agination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan past. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Tailor, see Armor. Taj Mahal, see Worms'-meat. ] Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Talapoins, see Infidel. ] Talk, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Tallegal, see T. Tambourine, see End. Tapeworms, see Commonwealth. Tapple, Ferdando, see Scarabee. ] Tariff, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his customer. The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State. "It were no more than right," said he, That I should get my fuel free. The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize -- Whereby my broiler, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have? -- although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All rascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the public press Outdoes me in sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair and rightful prey And keep their own in shape to pay; The preachers by example teach What, scorning to perform, I preach; And statesman, aping me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint, By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, began at once to bawl Against his competition; so There was a devil of a go! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, Till Democrats, forlorn and alone, Had hopes of coming by their own. The evil to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wicked to relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The bold Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual Hell. Adam Smith [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Tartan, see Wall Street. Tartar, see Russian. Tate, Joram, see Accountability. Tau, see T. Taxes, see Justice. Te Deum Laudamus, see Tedium. Tears, see Emotio; Fashion; Handkerchief. ] Technicality, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Teddy the Giant Killer, see Lore. ] Tedium, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been af- firmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus. In this apparently na- tural derivation there is something that saddens. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Teeth, weak, see Adage. ] Teetotaler, n. One who abstains from strong drink, some- times totally, sometimes tolerably totally. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Teetotaler, see Story. Telegraph, see Fool. ] Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Telephone, see Telescope. ] Telescope, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant ob- jects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Temple, see Inauspiciously; Regalia. Temple of Apes in Ceylon, see Sacred. Ten Commandments, see Decalogue; Sabbath. ] Tenacity, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its re- lation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The follow- ing illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentle- man in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain -- from his detaining pinch They cannot struggle half an inch! "Tis lucky that he is so planned That breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well, you say. Not so He'd draw it but never let it go! [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Terrapin, see Soul. Testimony, see Inadmissible; Proof. Thaddeus Polandensis, see Leviathan. Thalia,see Graces.  Theocide, see Redemption. Theology, see Dullard; Everlastng; Extinction; Fool; Foreordination; Half; Infralapsarian; Miscreant; Reprobation. Theophagi, see Eucharist. ] Theosophy, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern Theoso- phist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalcul- able number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement even- tually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of re- cent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Thessaly, see Olympian. Thibet [Tibet], see Impale; Sacred. Thief, see Alderman; Alliance; Beg; Brahma; Erudition; Ethnology; Imposition; Kleptomaniac; Magpie; Plunder; Portable; Robber; Wall Street. Think twice before you speak, see Saw. Thirst, see Potable. Thistles, see Youth. Thothmes, see Freemasons. Thousand and One Nights, see Romance. Three-legged, see Scimetar. Thrift, see Rapacity. Thrifty, see Close-fisted. Thro-Doric, see Ramshackle. Throne, see Abdication; Interregnum. Thumbs, see Scimetar. Thunder, see Editor; Gnu. Tiara, Pope's, see Halo. Tibet, see Impale; Sacred. Tickle, see Dullard; Fiddle. Tiger, see Epigram. ] Tights, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity and sus- tained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible of acceptance by the male understand- ing, but the conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost arts has, however, been recently re- vived and some of the arts themselves recovered. This is an epoch of renaissances, and there is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its hiding-place amongst the tombs and hissed on to the stage. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Tipple, see Tope. Titan, see Lyre. Tithe, see Head-Money. Title, see Income; Resign. Toad, see Edible; Realism; Respond. Toad-in-the-hole, see Rarebit. Toledo, see Trial. Tolstoi, see Nihilist. Tomato cans, see Geology. ] Tomb, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by com- mon consent invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Hug- gyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally ac- cepted by archaelogists, whereby the noble science of Cu- riosity has been greatly dignified. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Tombeau Napolean, see Worms'-meat. Tombstone, see Inscriptions. Tongue in cheek, see Editor. Tongue, see Auctioneer. Tools, see Saw. ] Tope, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual toping is regarded with dis- esteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civiliza- tion and power. When pitted against hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass be- fore the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving Amer- ican pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Tornado, see Hurricane. ] Tortoise, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply oc- casion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: TO MY PET TORTOISE My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness -- mostly you're backbone. Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the great know how to use -- I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack --- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul. So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were you. Perhaps, however, in a time to be. When Man's extinct, a better world may see Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign! In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne. I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he carries that; A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent -- Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; Subjects and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "take your time" the word, in Church and State. O tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous re'gime! I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing Adam out. [Ci;D;S] [ Tortoise and Hare, see Perseverance. Torture, see Bastinado; Famous; Frying-pan; Lyre; Pillory; Quill; Rack; Scarification; Sorcery. Touch, see King's Evil. Train wreck, see Connoisseur. Transfiguration, see Editor. Travel, see Pilgrim. ] Tree, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficent agency of civilization and an important factor in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: Whil in yt londe I was carryed to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarka- byll in it, ye hed manne of ye village where it grew made answer as followeth: "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye king his Majesty." And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. -- Trauvells in ye Easte [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Tree, see Embalm. Tree, Jeremiah, see Inscriptions. Tree-dweller, see Troglodyte. Trespass, see Land. ] Trial, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon the record the blameless character of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the de- fendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfort- able sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a so- cialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried, and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they con- tinued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ec- clesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sen- tence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1452 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In he voluminous records of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Trichinosis, n. The pig's reply to proponents of por- cophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!" "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. "I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Trigamy, see Bigamy. Trinitarian, see Unitarian. ] Trinity, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it be- cause it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inade- quate sense of theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the in- stance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an in- comprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Trinity, see Brahma; Flesh; Lodger; Me; Rector; Reliquary; Usage. Triumph, see Ovation. ] Troglodyte, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the Socialists of Judah. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Troglodyes, see Regalia. Trojans, see Meander. Trojan war, see Degenerate. Trousers, see Pantaloons. Troy, see Meander; Wrath. ] Truce, n. Friendship. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Truce, see Reconciliation. True Cross, see Reliquary. Trunk, see Proboscis. Trust, see Lore. ] Truth, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appear- ance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Truth, see Friendless; Platitude. ] Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Trust, n. In American politics, a large corporation compos- ing in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies. [Ci;D;S] Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attest- ing piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Tsetse, see Tzetze. Tub-and-Sword, see Regalia. Tubercles, see Commonwealth. Turkey, see Ultimatum. Turncoat, see Flop. Turtle, see Apostate; Guillotine. ] Twice, adv. Once too often. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Tyndall, Professor, see Heat. ] Type, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Tyranny, see Emancipation. Tyrant, see Destiny. Tyree, Jogo, see Absent. ] Tzetze, (or Tsetse) Fly, n. An African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (Mendax interminabilis.) [Ci;D;P;S] -----U----- [ Ubiquitarians, see Ubiquity. ] Ubiquity, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is om- nipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity and om- nipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who af- firmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by Sir Boyle Rochem for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Uffro, Sukker, see Immodest; Perseverance. ] Ugliness, n. A gift of the gods to certain women,entailing virtue without humility. [Ci;D;P;S] [ Ugly, see Optimism. Ulema of the Imperial Ear, see Ultimatum. Ulemas, see Infidel. ] Ultimatum, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to con- sider it. "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "How many unconquer- able soldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Vic- torious Navy. "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the re- ply, "deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert, and the stars of Heaven!" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was cal- culating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of Al- lah, the council is adjourned." [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Unbeliever, see Miscreant. Uncle of the Full Moon, see Ultimatum. ] Unction, n, An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger, "Then I'll be damned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "that is what we fear." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Unctuous, see Oleaginous. Undecipherable Scroll, see Regalia. ] Understanding, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, by rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse. His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard or seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail. He wrote at Inspiration's call Deep disquisitions on them all, The, pent at last in an asylum, Performed the service to compile 'em. So great a writer, all men swore, They never had not read before. Jorrick Wormley [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Undertaker, see Apothecary; Funeral. Unexpected, see Providential. Unhabilimented, see Forma Pauperis. Uniform, see Recruit. Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats, see Regalia. Unintelligible, see Proof-reader. ] Unitarian, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Unitarians, see Trinity. United States, see Magdalene; Quorum; Ramshackle. ] Universalist, n. One who forgoes the advantages of a Hell for persons of another faith. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ University, see Restitution; Scarification. University of Belgrade, see G. Unlikelihood, see Proof. Unthrifty, see Rich. Unusual, see Mad. ] Urbanity, n. The kind of civility that urban observers as- cribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the rights of oth- ers. The owner of a powder mill Was musing in a distant hill -- Something his mind foreboded -- When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviled human kidney! Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted from his head; "I beg your pardon, sir." he said: "I didn't know 'twas loaded." Swatkin [Ci;Cr;D;S] Usage, n. The First person of the Literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Usurpers, see Soul. ] Uxoriousness, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] -----V----- [ Vacuum, see Reality. Vagrant, see Prejudice. ] Valor, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope. "Why have you halted?" roared the com- mander of a division at Chickamauga, who had ordered the charge; "move forward, sir, at once." "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy." [Ci;Cr;D;S] Vanity, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the eggs they've ;aid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? Hannibal Hunsiker [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Vanity, see Valor. Vasquez, see Story. Vaudeville, see End; Notoriety. Vegetarian, see Botany; Carnivorous; Decalogue (VI); Tope. Veil of the temple, see Editor. Venerate, see Adore. Venus, see Graces; Ichor. Vergers, see Infidel. Vermont, see Lunarians. Verticalists, see Zenith. Veto, see Scepter. Vicar, see Infidel; Rector. Vicars-choral, see Infidel. Vice, see Age; Delusion; Digestion; Editor; Idleness. Victuals, see Digestion. Vierick, see Great. Vilified, see Absent. Vilify, see Ambition. Violet, see Embalm. Violin, see Cremona. Viper, see Half. Virgin, see Halo. Virginia City, Nevada, see Ass. ] Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Virtues, see Delusion; Digestion; Editor; Fidelity; Perseverance; Righteousness; Ruin. Vishnu, see Brahma. Visionaries of Delectable Bosh, see Regalia. ] Vituperation, n. Satire, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Vode, Barlow S., see Debt. Voltaire, see Robber. Voodoos, see Infidel. ] Vote, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ Vote, see African; Elector; Plebiscite; President; Recount; Referendum; Suffrage; Washingtonian. ] -----W----- W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek words, like epsilon-pi-iota-chi-omicron-rho-iota-alpha-mu- beta-iota-omicron-sigma. Still it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however that by simplify- ing the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our civil- ization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Wagner, Richard, see Frog. Walk, see Peripatetic. Walker, Dr. Mary, see Handkerchief. Walking, see Bastinado. ] Wall Street, n. A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in the place of hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profes- sion of faith in the matter. Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! While still you're possessed of a single baubee (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! Anonymous Bink [Ci;Cr;D;S] War, n. A byproduct of the arts of peace. The most menac- ing political condition is a period of international amity. The student of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In times of peace prepare for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly sown with seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in Xanada -- that he heard from far Ancestral voices prophesying war. One of the greatest poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of men, and it was not for nothing that he read this parable. Let us have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide the night. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] [ War, see Battle; Controversy; Cross; Flag; Fool; Gunpowder; Indecision; Knight; Logomachy; Occident; Peace; Roundhead; Tope; Ultimatum. War-ship, see Admiral. Warning, friendly, see Admonition. Warriors of the Long Bow, see Regalia. Warted, see Regalia. Washington, see Ramshackle; Story. Washington monument, see Inscriptions. ] Washingtonian, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to. They took away his right to vote and gave instead The right, when he had earned it, to eat his bread. In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," poor soul, To come again and part him from his roll. Offenbach Stutz [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Washoe County, see Ass. Watch-dog, see Cerberus. Water, see Potable. Wax, see Seal. WCTU, see Wine. ] Weaknesses, n. pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Wealth, see Eulogy; Impunity. Wear and Tear, see Price. ] Weather, n. The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conservation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The set- ting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to sua- sion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. Once I dipt into the future as far as human eye could see And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth, from the coals that he'd preferred to the advantage of truth. He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin as- bestos what I venture here to quote -- For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." Halcyon Jones [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Weather, see Barometer; Story. Webster, Noah, see Mad. ] Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Weffing, Fogarty, see Hope. Welsh, see Rarebit. ] Werewolf, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a bestial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told them their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its human form during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning you will find an Lutheran." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ West Indies, see Hurricane. Westminster Abbey, see Primate. Whale, see Leviathan. ] Whangdepootenawah, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big-smiling, With its labial extension, With its maxillar distortion And its diaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of the ocean, Like the shaking of a carpet, I should answer you, I should tell you: From the great deeps of spirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter welleth As the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon, To entoken and giving warning That my present mood is sunny. Should you ask me further question -- Why the great deeps of the spirit, Why the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul extrudes this laughter, This all audible big-smiling, I should answer, I should tell you With a white heart, tumpittumpy, With a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he has Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah! Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, Standing in the marsh, kneedeep, Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossed behind him And his neck close-reefed before him, With his bill, his william buried In the down upon his bosom, With his head retracted inly. While his shoulder overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, Shiver grayly in the north wind, Wishing he had died when little, As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? No 'tis not the Shankank standing, Standing in the gray and dismal kneedeep. No 'tis peerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah! [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ What is worth doing is worth doing well, see Saw. ] Wheat, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whiskey can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread per capita of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Where there's a will there's a way, see Saw. Whip, see Debt. Whiskey, see Economy; Severalty; Wheat. ] White, adj. and n. Black. [Ci;Cr;D;P (out of order);S] [ White Cross, see Cross. White House, see Quorum; Ramshackle. White man's Burden, see Zigzag. Whites, see Severalty. Whitman, Walt, see Incommpossible. Whitney, Professor, see Populist. Wicked, see Un-American. ] Widow, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness to- wards widows was one of the most marked features of his character. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Widow, see Troglodyte. Wife, see Helpmate; Mustang. Wife-Beaters, see Regalia. Wilcox, Ella Wheeler, see Lyre. William, see Whangdepootenawah. Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture, James, see Gunpowder. ] Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Woman's Chris- tian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madame is God's next best gift to man. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Wine, see Connoisseur; Excess; Story. Wine cellar, see Birth. Wisdom, boned, see Adage. Wisdom, see Aphorism; Multitude; Sophistry. ] Wit, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P illus;S illus (next page)] [ Witch, see Hag; Rice-water. Witchcraft, see Inadmissible. Witchell, Dr. Meir, see Laughter. Witnesses, see Proof. ] Witticism, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Wolecraft, see Impale. Wolf, see Machination. ] Woman, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoologists with a cer- tain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclu- sion, but naturalists in the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolf-man) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its move- ments, especially the American variety (Felis pugnans), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk. -- Balthasar Pober. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Woman, see Circus; Convent; Curiosity; Digestion; Dog; Eavesdrop; Epigram; Female; Garter; Hebrew; Hostility; Houri; House-Maid; Indiscretion; Lap; Lim; Magdalene; Maiden; Miss; Mouse; Mouth; Pocket; Prude; Refusal; Ruin; Salacity; Seine; Siren; Smithareen; Suffrage; Tights; Ugliness; Weaknesses; Wine. Wood, Leonard, see Resign. Wool, see Presentable. Woop, Joel Spate, see Respite. Wopley, Jex, see Funeral. Wordsworth, see Infancy. Workman, see Saw. Worm, grave, see Apothecary; Body-snatcher. Worm, see Edible; Geology. Wormley, Jorrick, see Understanding. ] Worms'-meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napolean and the Grantarium. Worms'-meat is usually out- lasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the forek- nown futility. Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence The tenant neither can admire nor know. Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what to you would be a moment's span. Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble is dust, arise, If waken, stretch your limbs and yawn -- You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. What thought of all men's works your tomb alone Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? Would it advantage you to dwell therein Forever as a stain upon a stone? Joel Huck [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] Worship, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construc- tion and fine finish of Dues Creates. A popular form of ab- jection, having an element of pride. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine, see Regalia. Wotherspoon, General H. H., see Story. Wottel, Marley, see Helpmate. ] Wrath, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath." etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the frying-pan of the wrath of Choruses into the fire of the wrath of Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred the wrath of Yahveh by num- bering his people, seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Wren, see Insectivora. Writer, see Plow; Reporter; Scribbler; Spooker. Writing, see Fly-Speck; Goose; Luminary; Proof-reader; Quill; Realism; Romance. Wrong, see Optimism. ] -----X----- X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added in- vincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will last as long as the language. X is the sa- cred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popularly supposed, be- cause it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of His name -- Chi-rho-iota-sigma-tau-omicron-sigma. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S illus] [ Xanada, see War. Xanobus, see Zenith. Xelam, see Geographer. Xenophon, see Clio. ] -----Y----- [ Yahveh, see Wrath. ] Yankee, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See Damyank.) [Ci;D;P;S] Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disap- pointments. [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S illus] [ Yellow Dog, see Regalia. ] Yesterday, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame To stay the shadow on the dial's face At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God his Name I chide aloud the little interspace Disparting me from Certitude, and fain Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. Barauch Arnegriff It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven doctors. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Yoke, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, jugum, we owe one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that defines the matrimonial situation with preci- sion, point and poignancy. A thousand apologies for withholding it. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Yope, John Williams, see Smithareen. ] Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities com- pete for the honor of endowing a living Homer. Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with whistles and wearing silken bristled, live ever in clover, and cows fly over, deliver- ing milk at every door, and Justice is never heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost, and, howling, is cast into Baltimost! -- Polydore Smith. [Ci;Cr;D;S] [ Youth, see Enthusiasm; Yesterday; Zeal. ] -----Z----- [ Zam (River), see Geographer. ] Zany, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imi- tated with ludicrous incompetence the buffone, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imi- tated the serious nature of the play. The zany was progeni- tor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excel- lent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil. [Cr;D;P;S] Zanzibari, n. An inhabitant of the Sultinate of Zanzibar, off the eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that faced the sea,with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the consul, in- censed beyond restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. Unfortunately for the existing entente cordiale between two great nations, she was the Sultana. [Ci;Cr;D;S] Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" "What do you want?" the Lord asked. bending down. "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." Jum Coople [Ci;Cr illus;D;P;S] Zenith, n. A point in the heavens directly overhead a standing man or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cab- bage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once a considerable dissent among the learned, some holding that the position of the body was immaterial. These were called the Horizontal- ists, their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to determine its zenith, explaining that the body was hanging by its heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its place among fides defuncti. [Ci;Cr;D;S illus] [ Zeno, see Callous. ] Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a con- siderable distance into the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the native are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names. [Ci;Cr;D;P;S] [ Zeus, see Olympian. ] Zigzag, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden. (From zed, z, and jag, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) He zedjagged so uncomen wyde Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; So, to com saufly thruh, I been Constreynet for to doodge betweene. Munwele [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] Zoology, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta.) The fa- ther of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from whom we learn (L'Histoire generale des animaux and A History of Animated Nature) that the domestic cow sheds its horns every two years. [Ci;Cr illus;D;S] [ Zoroaster, see Freemasons. ]