Subject: Yak---Tools and chemicals-Yak

From: "Harold E. McKinney" <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 09 Jun 96 09:39:40 -0400

Respect and salutations to Robert Scott,  Master Writer for Tim Allen,
inventor of the ratcheting nailset, and the Swiss Army Hankie.   
 
Screwdriver-- device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. 
Primarily used for removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges
in things.     
 
Hammer--used for bending nails.  If used properly, nail will bend, then
fire itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway. 
 
Soldering wire, (silver),  altho this item was designed before the
invention of plastic, it's main intention is as a replacement for
twist-ties.  Also used to prove the "no two snowflakes" theory when melted
above finished floors.  It has been said that Pershing  used solder to
practice bombing raids on cockroaches. 
 
Staplegun,  invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. 
This tool should never be used for trying to attach one item to another as
staples are not made in that size. 
 
Backsaw,  invented by William Back, the sawdust magnate.  Used for
recycling excess floor molding. 
 
Ball-peen hammer,  Interestingly,  when first discovered in a cave by
Fransco de Gama in 1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had
not yet been invented, and the practice of hitting yourself in the balls
had already been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. 
Ballpeen hammers are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. 
Also used as a universal centerpunch. 
 
Come-a-long,  invented by Maidenform in 1953 for Jayne Mansfield to serve
as a brassiere removal device.  Early models used tow-rope, which often
snapped, once killing a hairdresser.  Later models used antenna, which
were soon replaced with cable. 
 
Johnson Bar,  see restaurant listing under San Francisco. 
 
CHEMICAL SECTION, 
 
Mineral Spirits,  aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff.  Used for
wetting metal parts. Also used for adhering paint brushes to containers.
(Note: process takes approx. one month)  This chemical can be used in place
of any other chemical with reduced efficiency. 
 
Lacquer thinner,  used to cool skin.  Also used to make lacquer useless. 
This chemical was invented by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of
making money.  Creative mechanics often use lacquer thinner to tie-die
trousers while wearing them. 
 
Gunk,  invented by Forrest Gunk.  Gunk's primary component is  mayonnaise,
but perfume and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely.
Also used for lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty.  Do
not eat.  Once applied to skin, Gunk never comes off. 
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