Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 . __ . . -*- N A M V E T -*- ____/ \_ . . ( * \ . . \ Quangtri . . \_/\ \_ Hue . . \_Ashau Phu Bai . . S P E C I A L E D I T I O N \_* \_ . . \ * ) . . for all veterans _/ Danang . . \|/ ( \_*Chu Lai . . --*-- \_ ------- \__ . . /|\ \_ I Corps \ . . Managing Editor \ ------- ! . . --------------- /\_____ ! . . G. Joseph Peck / ! \ . . ! !___ \ . . ! \/\____! . . ! ! . . Distribution Manager / Dak To ! . . ------------ / * / . . Jerry Hindle ! \_ . . ! Phu Cat\ . . \ * * ) . . \ Pleiku ) . . -**- N A M V E T -**- \ \ . . / / . . "In the jungles of 'Nam, some of us ( -------- ! . . were scared and wary, but we pulled _\ II Corps ! . . one another along and were able / -------- \ . . to depend on each other. That has \ \ . . never changed. Today, free of the ! * / . . criticisms and misunderstandings _/ Nhatrang / . . many veterans have endured, _/ / . . NAM VET is a shining beacon, __/ ! . . a ray of hope, and a _ __/ \ ! . . reminder that the _____( )/ ! Camranh Bay . . lessons learned / !__ ! . . at such a high / \ / . . price shall not \ Bien Hoa \ / . . be forgotten - ! Chu Chi * \ __/ . . nor the errors \_ * --------- \ ___/ . . repeated!!!" ____ \ III Corps \ _/ . . / \_____) )_(_ --------- !__/ Duplication in . . ! ( ___/ any form permitted . . _____! \__ * ___/ for NONCOMMERCIAL . . ! Saigon/ purposes ONLY! . . \___ -------- / \/ . . \ IV Corps / For other use, contact: . . ) -------- / . . / ! G. Joseph Peck (413) 442-1660 . . / ____/ Managing Editor . . / Mekong/ . . ! Delta/ This SPECIAL EDITION of NamVet contains . . ! ____/ past editorials by G. Joseph Peck . . ! / written for and about the continuing saga . . ! / of our many NamVet brothers and sisters who . . ! __/ are still "standing in the shadows"! . . \_/ gjp . . . NamVet Special Edition Page i Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 ================================================================= T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S 1. Editorials Thank You ............................................... 1 Two Walls ............................................... 3 Hands Across Time ....................................... 6 VETLink #1 - The Reasons ................................ 7 2. Remember Them!!! Incoming ................................................ 9 Standin' in the Shadows ................................. 11 A visit or note once in awhile? ......................... 13 And Fuller Slept ........................................ 14 March Fourth ............................................ 16 Family Ties ............................................. 18 Homeless ................................................ 20 Break out the Clearasil ! ........................... 23 Can I still salute, Sir? ................................ 24 Clipper ................................................. 26 Bert is back! ........................................... 28 Bring them home - NOW!!! ................................ 32 Think about it... ....................................... 33 In Summation... ......................................... 36 A good soldier never looks back ......................... 38 Hidden Cages ............................................ 40 The Electronic Chapel ................................... 42 A New Year .............................................. 43 It's only for a little while... ......................... 44 Fairness, Decency and Honor ............................. 46 Don't Know Where I'm Going... ........................... 48 Finally Here!!! ......................................... 52 A Certain Magic ......................................... 53 What Can I Teach My Children? ........................... 55 Energy? ................................................. 58 It's All Comin' Together Now!!! ......................... 60 Toy Soldier ............................................. 62 Clouds, Rainbows... and Prisms .......................... 68 She Flies Ever High!!! .................................. 71 Holiday Happenings ...................................... 72 Product Of My Yesterdays ................................ 75 Do the best ya can with what ya got! .................... 79 Trail Through The Boonies ............................... 81 Conflict And Growth!!! .................................. 84 Time .................................................... 86 TDY: Faith n' Footprints ................................ 89 Down for the count? ..................................... 91 Another Frontier??? ..................................... 93 The Wheel Goes Around... ................................ 96 An Electronic Vet Center Becomes A Reality .............. 98 Sign it in blood! WE DID! .............................. 101 They haven't forgotten US!!! ............................ 104 Talk about goin' into a tailspin!!! ..................... 105 This is NOT "de ja vu"! ................................. 107 Vested Interest ......................................... 109 Without a miracle ....................................... 111 Some Gave All... ........................................ 115 NamVet Special Edition Page ii Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 ================================================================= Editorials ================================================================= Thank You By G. Joseph Peck NamVet's Managing Editor VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA (413) 443-6313 I've been watching the news quite a bit lately. Like many of you, I've been often overwhelmed by kaliedoscopic emotions that would keep a psychiatrist or social worker busy for two or three lifetimes . On the one hand, I'm super-thrilled that the horror of war was over so quickly and losses appeared so few. My brother, niece and a nephew were all over there and will be returning in the very near future. I'm also deeply grateful for the strong, capable handling of the entire Kuwait/Iraq matter by Generals Schwarzkopf and Powell and, of course, our Commander-in-Chief, President Bush. And, too, I am well-pleased at President Bush's constant reminders that it is TIME to say "Well Done" to the Vietnam veterans of our nation. On the other hand, I'm a little saddened that the struggles of so many of our brother and sister Vietnam veterans, unless they're successfully resolved, could appear as Don Quixote fighting one of his proverbial windmill monsters. I'm a little saddened, too, when I remember the widows of Vietnam veterans (and their children) I have met along my life's way; when I recall the many late-night calls to VETLink #1 by lonely, lost veterans searching for missing friends and service members; when I hear that a veteran we're trying to help find employment has just received a letter from "the bureaucracy" instructing the veteran, in effect, to "start all over again... explaining in detail the problems..."; and I quickly realize that, no matter HOW BIG the celebration, no matter HOW LOUD the happy noise, unless something tangible and REAL is done for ALL veterans, little, if anything, will change. When in strange circumstances, the human organism almost always resorts FIRST to familiar, known ways of handling things. Basically, that's what I've been trying to do as I've watched the many messages come across the Vietnam_Vets echo and viewed the varied reactions to the culmination of 40 days and nights of "softening up" and 100 hours of actual battle. I've tried HARD to listen well, folks... And "listening" I happened to hear that lil' fishin' buddy of mine from a few years ago (He's 16-goin' on 40 now ): "Ya know, Dad... I think the editorials you've written for NamVet are good and each one that you've shared with me has shown me another part of WHO the Vietnam veteran really is. Maybe you should put them all together in a single book for ALL veterans to read." Last night I took the time to look over all the editorials. I shed a few tears remembering... and got a real good sense of what we've been trying to say with our NamVet. NamVet Special Edition Page 1 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Little fishin' buddy was right: Each editorial does, in its own way, show a different part of our Vietnam veterans. And somehow, the "thinking" gets a little clearer ... Dedicated to my lil' fishin' buddy, George Andrew Peck - I humbly share with each of you the collection of all my NamVet editorials. I hope that YOU can feel what "I" felt as I wrote each one - felt about the past, the present, and the future of all veterans, their spouses and children; hope that YOU will remember that OUR battle will not end as long as our brothers and sisters continue to go homeless; continue to experience frustration as they seek medical attention - and as long as our MIA/POWs remaing missing and unaccounted for. I sincerely hope so... 'til next time Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 2 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Two Walls NamVet Annual 2-1 November 11, 1989 I heard them talk about putting their duffle bags in a little building by the 'Nam airbase. "Yeah," said one Marine, "Ours stayed in there for 13 months! For you Army and other guys, it was only 12 months before you were picking them up and riding your Freedom Bird home!" Esprit de Corps... loyalty to YOUR branch of service... still strong 15 - 20 years after civilian clothes became, again, the uniform of the day. Outside, puffy white clouds drifted across a full moon as the bus carrying me and members of Pittsfield, MA's Vietnam Veterans of America Chapter 65 rolled towards Washington, D.C. and, for me, another face-to-Wall confrontation with "the guilty's". "You didn't serve in 'Nam; you don't know what it feels like to know there's incoming, or someone shooting at you from the bush, or hoping you'll get caught in one of their booby-traps! You've got NO business in the 'Nam church with these guys; Nothing you've experienced will EVER compare with what they've gone through. What are you tagging along for?" Coins clink; an overhead light is turned off; the bathroom door on the bus is opened and closed again. I thought about the time I went in `82 when we dedicated the Memorial. Same feelings. And same ones again when my wife and I went for the Three Soldiers addition in '84. Now its 1989. If "the guilty's" have changed, they've changed for the worse. I remember my kids at home, staying up until the very last moment so they could say good-bye, savoring every second before I left on this trip. So much like so many years ago... There it is. Black granite rising out of the dew- covered,early-morning earth. Names... names... and I didn't get to go. I wanted to - but a jeep accident ended MY military career. Names... Names... Did I know any of 'em? Do I know who any of them were? What honor can I do their loss? Suddenly, time stops - reverses itself. It's 1963 again. There's my buddy Paul! "Joe, you'll want to make the service your career. Look what its done for me! C'mon... remember JFK's words `Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You - Ask What YOU Can Do For Your Country!' Follow me, buddy - I'm leading the way!" Tears; can't catch my breath; can't talk - only sob. There's Paul's name. William P. Townsend, Jr. Like brothers, we'd camped and hiked and grew up together ... and I tried to follow him. Now I can't go past that part of The Wall without a flood of emotions - and even MORE of "the guilty's". The power of The Wall is in its somber silence... On to Arlington and rows upon rows of crisp-white crosses rising uniform to greet the afternoon sun. The same silent power I felt at The Wall is present at the gravesite of John F. Kennedy. Silence... memories... To the Iwo Jima statue where one of the dyed-in-the-wool Army-types, at least temporarily, NamVet Special Edition Page 3 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 joined the Marines. Quick ride through the city and we were on our way back. Pittsfield, MA at 1215 on Sunday morning found me still silent, still muffled, still tormented by "the guilty's." Monday morning. Early. The rain clouds blew away just before dawn. When the sun rose, its light made everything seem new. Opened car windows let in the fragrance of freshly cut grass and a forest-like odor curiously reminiscent of a time long ago and far away quickly filled my nostrils. Something stirred, began to gnaw at me. A restless, searching, familiar sensation awoke. I turned the car towards my old home town. The still-wet roads looked newly paved and residents of the sleepy little village were just brewing their coffee when I arrived and parked next to the unopened Post Office. Restless still, I began to walk - to retrace footsteps of many years ago. Familiar sights... the old hardware store next door to where we first lived when we moved into town; the new general store that replaced the one that burned a couple of years ago; memories of happy peals of laughter from my now-20-year-old Active Duty Army son as he frolicked and played with the little blonde girl from next door. A mile down the road and I was at the now-empty converted farmhouse where we'd last lived. The three-story treehouse the little blonde girl with sparkling blue eyes and my son built had stood the test of time. "Just a visit, I suppose," I mumbled to myself, "Guess I'd better get back home." Still restless and feeling like my search hadn't yet ended, I took the backroad way home. Past the horse farm. Past the widow's house. Past the Retired Colonel's ranch. Up to the egg farm and turned again towards the main road. The old church at the junction had been new-painted white. Stopping in the driveway, I remembered the owner of the hardware store. He was my friend - one of those special people with a unique ability to make ANYTHING work with just baling wire and masking tape. He'd died fighting an out-of-control grass fire near his home. He was buried in the cemetery behind the church. "Gotta pay my respects to my local friends, too" I told myself, and drove up the dirt road that led to the cemetery. The sweet smell of flowers and damp forest growth filled the air. The morning sun was bright and the air was yet crisp. The view from the hill was breathtaking. I walked towards my friend's grave... and stopped in shock and disbelief when I read the name on the headstone next to his. My friend's granddaughter - the sparkling blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl that used to play with my children and frolic and build treehouses and squeal with laughter! Didn't even reach her 17th birthday! I could feel "the guilty's" starting to come again. Visions of The Wall, of Paul, of the little blonde girl's flower-carved tombstone all begin to blur... and suddenly they all blended into one harmonious, peaceful realization. NamVet Special Edition Page 4 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Through the sadness and tears, I thought about the little blonde girl and her life. Not ONCE did she know the fear of having her village attacked; not ONCE did she have to fear that her freedom would be taken from her, or that she couldn't chose to do what she wished with her life. NOT ONCE!!! And 'WHY NOT?' It was BECAUSE of the prices paid by the 2.3-million like those on the bus and here in the IVVEC who'd served in 'Nam; BECAUSE of prices paid by the 8.7-million like myself who had service in other places; and BECAUSE of prices being paid even now by people like my son, that the freedom we all hold so dear has continued to exist! I remember the speech (Don't think I'll EVER forget it). Many of you do, too. "...ask what YOU can do for your country." For the little blonde girl, and many like her - we DID for our country -and its future! We ALL have a right to be proud! Two Walls... one with names and memories and pain; the other with a flower and memories and pain. "The Guilty's?" All I have to do is remind them of the other Wall and the little blonde girl, spend some time with my own and other children, think of THEIR future - and "the guilty's" vanish in the knowledge that I, too, am a part of what has helped keep America great! And though I really don't know what it's like to hear incoming or know that someone is wishing to see ME dead, I DO know what it's like to stand at the ready and be prepared to serve at a moments notice; I DO know what its like to vigorously train and train and train some more to be one of America's finest! And I DO know what it's like to be part of the greatest team on earth! Two Walls... one shows the PRICE; the other, the PRIZE! Anniversary Issue Note: I visited the parents of the little blonde girl shortly after I wrote this. Unfortunately for them, my visit was during the week of the girl's birthday. I later forwarded a copy of this editorial to them and let them know that the little girl was sorely missed. I just received a very nice letter from the parents thanking all of US for remembering her! Included with the letter was a picture of the little blonde girl on her 16th birthday! I know I'll treasure that for a long time to come! 'til next month Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 5 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 . . . For Information on our Saudi Soldiers: . . . . ARMY: 1-703-614-0730 . . 1-800-626-1440 . . 1-800-642-9254 . . NAVY: 1-800-732-1206 . . 1-800-255-3808 . . 1-202-746-5915 . . MARINES: 1-800-523-2694 . . AIR FORCE: 1-800-253-9276 . . COAST GUARD: 1-800-283-8724 . . . . Support Groups: . . National Guard Families: 1-800-356-2794 . . Army Reserve Units: 1-800-874-8451 . . . . . . xxxxx XXXXxxxxx, . . xx''xxxxxxX XX xX XXx . .xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXX x xX' x'' XXXx . . x x xX xXX Xx . . 'x' X XXxx . . xxx X. . xX . . xX . . VIETNAM x x x xX . . VETERANS x xX X x X IRAQ . . X X X X x < VETERANS . . X X X X X Xx . . xxxxxxxxxX X X X x Xxx . . XXX'' /__X__ XX__X___xXX xXxxxxx . . xXXX 'Xxxxx xX Xxx . .XX WE SUPPORT YOU XxxxxxxxxxxxX X. .X BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN SERVICE . . . . . . "We are with you . . Wherever you may be . . We are sailing . . With you on every sea . . We are standing . . With you on desert sand . . We're your country . . Together we stand!" . . . . . . The Staff of NamVet . . . . and participants in . . . . The International Vietnam Veterans EchoConference . . . NamVet Special Edition Page 6 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 VETLink #1: The reasons NamVet 1-11 11 Nov 1987 Have you ever arrived at a city, county or federal office just after everyone had gone home? Was the reason for your trip to get that last little bit of important information so you could finish filing your VA claim or a search for answers to questions about veterans' benefits? Maybe it was just to stop by and rap with some of your veteran counterparts. As many of us have learned by now, questions we have concerning veterans' benefits and entitlements, educational opportunities or an upcoming veteran event, occur to us about one minute after the office holding the information we need closes. An unanswered telephone tells us its going to be another tough night with memories of yesterday. Up until a few years ago, having a personal computer for home use was out of reach of all but those in high income brackets. Today, as their prices have decreased, computers are found in an ever- growing number of households. Used with a telecommunications modem and connected to a computer bulletin board service (CBBS), the computer can send an electronic letter to a friend, access vast amounts of stored data, and be the medium through which you can make new acquaintances. It has become a LINK between citizens and modern-day technology. After nearly three-and-a-half years of local field work and over 22 years of firing-line experience with a disapproving, somewhat antagonistic and disbelieving bureaucracy, VETLink #1 - a computer BBS dedicated and committed to veterans' and the issues that concern them - became a reality. Initially, VETLink #1 began CBBS operations on a Commodore 64. 2-1/2 weeks, a new PC, and the untiring non-stop technological help of local community sysops later, VETLink #1 was granted a Net/Node number. Today it operates on a 10 MHz Leading Edge with a 30-meg HD. Among its' many message and file areas, VETLink #1 has sections devoted to PTSD, AGENT ORANGE, GOVERNMENT BENEFITS, EMPLOYMENT (where the motto is: From "Search and Destroy" to "Found and Employed"), HELP-A-VET and VETFind, to name only a few. I know a little about these things: I'm a Vietnam vet, allegedly mis-diagnosed as having psychiatric difficulties after a life- threatening jeep accident while on active duty rendered me comatose for awhile and resulted in my honorable discharge; a Vietnam vet who endured the effects a negative "label" can have upon one - in areas such as employment, education, interpersonal relationships; a Vietnam vet who has married for the second time; a Vietnam vet who has engaged the Veterans Administration, the Small Business Administration, the Banking Industry, and various public officials in exacting battles for justice 'til the diagnosis-after-the-accident was finally corrected, 'til a small business was financed, 'til a home was purchased, 'til a Vet Center was a reality in Pittsfield, MA. I'm also a Vietnam vet who has worked for the Veterans Administration, has been the Veterans' Affairs Assistant at our local community college, a managing editor for a couple of veteran-oriented newsletters, a charter member of two Vietnam Veterans of America chapters - of a NamVet Special Edition Page 7 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 state wide Vietnam Veterans organization, a Service Officer for two veterans' organizations, and who is a Past Commander of the Pittsfield, MA Chapter of Disabled American Veterans and completing my final year of training for a degree in Sociology. I'm also the Vietnam vet who's sysop of VETLink #1. VETLink #1 is dedicated and committed to providing YOU, the veteran, with answers to those questions you might be asking, with information that may be helpful to you or your dependents, to putting UNITY in our veterans commUNITY, to LINKing VETerans with needed services and sometimes long-overdue opportunities. VETLink #1 - open 24 hours a day - is humbled and honored to have a place in this, our first, electronic newsletter dedicated and committed to the Vietnam veteran. We look forward to hearing from each of you. 'til next month Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 8 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 ================================================================= Remember Them!!! ================================================================= Incoming NamVet 1-12 5 Dec 1987 Greetings of this holiday season to you and yours. Well, it seems like only YESTERDAY Todd and I were busily putting the finishing touches on your premier edition of NAM VET before it was released to each of you in the computing community. Now its time to do it again. For many of us, it seems like only YESTERDAY when the golden sun dipped below the western horizon, hills and valleys were bathed in colours of grey and soft heavenly blue... and shots rang from a nearby rice paddy. Red mud and mosquito's caught in a spider's web still remind us of when we flung ourselves headlong into the nearest crater to shield ourselves from incoming. For many others of us, there is a different kind of incoming that this holiday time of the year brings. The nights seem extra-long and for those of us who let it happen, the quiet silence is broken periodically by a falling tear for our lost friends, family members or other loved ones, and we do all we can to hold back the sobs. Unfortunately, there isn't any shield against this kind of incoming. I know. I know, too, about many of our nation's homeless veterans. Some sleep in alley ways. Others, more fortunate (?), have pitched a tent on some remote island and come into town once a month for supplies. I wonder if they'd accept you or I as one of their friends. I wonder if they'd trust us enough to accept an invitation to Christmas or Hanukkah dinner, family celebrations. I wonder if they'd trust themselves enough to begin another human relationship - this time WITHOUT the fear that the stupid f**ker would get himself or you killed. I wonder... And I know, too, about many of our nation's incarcerated Vietnam veterans. Darkness descends early on them. No place to hide from incoming there. Not many people to talk to who try to understand. I can't forget our under- and unemployed veterans or their families, either. After proud and distinctive service to this great nation of ours, how they must feel when THEIR incoming reveals that the tree will be bare again this year and loved ones will think they don't care. How they must feel! And as naked trees stand silent, vigilant guard over the northeast part of America, I'm reminded of the widow and her children who watched as Agent Orange sucked out the life of their Vietnam veteran. Neither the Veterans Administration, with its refusal to provide help while he was dying, or the chemical companies, who continue to deny responsibility, offer any help raising the now- orphaned children. Incoming... And Gold Star mothers and fathers and sweaters in the attic that somehow get hugged every holiday season... Incoming... NamVet Special Edition Page 9 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Outbound from Firebase Valhalla will be NAM VET and the loving, caring, sharing spirit that brings it to each of you. According to very reliable sources, NAM VET has already found its way into a few veterans' hospitals and homes. Children have downloaded it as a gift for their fathers. Wives have downloaded it so they can share some of the things their husband won't tell them. Women veterans, especially of the Vietnam war, have downloaded it 'cause its part of them. YOU have downloaded it 'cause it's part of you - a fragment of YOUR place in America's history. NAM VET will continue to grow as long as YOU help it replace the memories of "SEARCH AND DESTROY" with, instead, "FOUND AND ENJOY" - FOUND those who served, those who share, ENJOY their company. My wife, Georgia, and I; my children: Michael, David, Kymberli, George, Rosa and their dog, three cats, turtle and a rabbit extend our sincerest wishes that all the blessings, happiness and peace of this holiday season will be yours. 'Til next month... Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 10 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Standin' in the Shadows NamVet 2-1 4 Jan 1988 It's been a little over 11 years now. He's been seen from time to time in the veterans' "watering holes" throughout town. He'll discuss battles and 'crawlin' through the bush' and defendin' his country. He'll tell you about hooches and boonies, C4 and napalm. He'll talk about the "good" times and buddies and Mama San's. When you express an interest in him, though, when you want to find out "where he's really comin' from" or talk about wartime officers, leadership or politicians, a bitter, angry grimace brands his face and he menacingly glares at everyone in sight - challenging, daring, provoking. The remainder of the evening is spent in tense, raging silence. For two days afterwards, he'll talk to no one. You know him. He's standing in the shadows just about everywhere you go. You watch as he completes an application for employment and skips over the part that asks: "Are you a veteran?" You listen as he bitterly complains about South Vietnamese refugees who are successful in America while American ex-soldiers are homeless, incarcerated, or require aid of Social Service agencies because they just can't make it. You wish you could spit out the acrid taste that permeates your mouth as he describes the smell and feel of 'Nam. He's part of you - and part of me, too. We've seen him in the jails and prisons, in the workplaces and in the playplaces - doing whatever it was that he was doing so intently that there was little time left to look up, to feel - and remember. We've heard his voice as one of his ex-wife's told how she learned not to wake him from a nap or how he never wanted to talk about his military service. Or his children told of how he "he always played that funny-sounding music that he brought from the war..." We've felt his anger and sense of shame and betrayal as his father told of his dishonorable discharge " 'cause he wouldn't shine his boots - or didn't carry out orders to senselessly torch another village - or 'cause he sandbagged a night patrol - or ..." We might even feel he's right - even though we chastise him a bit for his apparent loss of internal resolution - when he says that our America, who once said "Ask not what you can do for your country..." has made him an orphan amongst the veteran population, a real honest to goodness, ne'er-do-well 'cause society was punishing HIM for not winning a conflict he was not allowed to; that even the VA has tried to ignore and punish in refusing to honor its solemn pledge "To care for him who shall have borne the battle" - in denial of Agent Orange claims, in denial of Service Connection claims, in its' deafness to the needs of Vietnam veterans until the veterans' collective effort improved the Administrations' hearing. Well... here it is - 1988. Years of perplexing and sensitive effort are both behind and ahead of us. Through NAM VET we've opened another avenue of service to veterans everywhere; created, in a sense, our own history book - and daily write more into it. Copies of NAM VET are now being delivered to Veterans NamVet Special Edition Page 11 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Administration hospitals and Old Soldiers' homes, to incarcerated veterans and City Hall's, to State Educational facilities and veteran organizations. Politicians, members of the news media, and publishing companies are now beginning to take notice of the aggregate efforts of America's most unique veteran population. If you, too, know the veteran who feels that "up the elevator of America's future he or she has been shafted" - give 'em a copy of NAM VET. Maybe you could even show them how to use your computer and they can rejoin the brothers and sisters who they thought had abandoned them. We can be proud - we've all done a fine job. And we've only begun! 'Til next month Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 12 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX \ \ \ \ \XXXX XXXXX XXXXX.::::::::::::::.XXXXX INCARCERATED XXXX XXXXX XXXXX --------- XXXXX \ \ \ \ \ \ \XXXX XXXXX .XXXXX W W I I XXXXX. VETERANS \ \XXXX XXXXX ::XXXXX --------- XXXXX::. \ \ \ \ XXXX XXXXX :::XXXXX ------------- XXXXX:::. XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX K O R E A XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX ------------- XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX ------------- XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX V I E T N A M XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX ------------- XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX::::::::::::::::XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX::::::::::::::::XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX::' `::XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX:: ::XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX `..........''`XXXXX:::: XXXX XXXXX ::::XXXXX .:(O) . (O):. XXXXX:::' XXXX XXXXX ::' XXXXX .. XXXXX:: XXXX XXXXX .:' XXXXX . .. XXXXX: XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX . .. ` XXXXX XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX ' '.. ` XXXXX. XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX" ' ` XXXXX . XXXX XXXXX ``. XXXXX ' . . . ` XXXXX '. ........., XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX'' ..''.'''. XXXXX .' '.XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX" ':.:'' XXXXX .'' .:::'XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX:.. .:XXXXX.'' .::::' .XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX '.. ..:' XXXXX ..:' . .:::'XXXX XXXXX ....::'XXXXX ':::::;' XXXXX .:''. .:::' XXXX XXXXX .:::::' XXXXX .: XXXXX :'. ..:... XXXX XXXXX.::' :: XXXXX: PREPARED TO XXXXX .'' ''.. XXXX XXXXX::' :: XXXXX`: FIGHT XXXXX.' '.XXXX XXXXX' :: XXXXX ``. XXXXX XXXX XXXXX '' XXXXX PREPARED TO XXXXX XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX DIE ...'XXXXX XXXX XXXXX :: XXXXX `...' XXXXX XXXX XXXXX `..' XXXXX .' XXXXX XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX /\ .' .' XXXX XXXXX /\ \ . . XXXX XXXXX / \ \...' `. .' XXXX XXXXX / NOT PREPARED TO BE DESERTED XXXX XXXXX / .'.' . .`.' XXXX XXXXX / ~ | : : : . XXXX XXXXX / |`. : : . .__________ XXXX XXXXX / ~ ~ ||.` ` : || \ / XXXX XXXXX / WRITE OR VISIT AN INCARCERATED VETERAN SOON ! XXXX XXXXX / ~ || . .'. / / XXXX XXXXX/ ~ ~ ~|| ||/ / XXXX XXXXX ~ ~ ~ || || / XXXX XXXXX || || / XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX \_________XXXXX________|| XgjpX XXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXX NamVet Special Edition Page 13 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 And Fuller Slept NamVet 2-2 6 Feb 1988 Fuller remembered climbing the mountain... He remembered the steps that he took and the thoughts that raced through his mind as he climbed... "... TET... Ambush... C4... Claymores... Only survivor..." He remembered the little trickles of red as the underbrush cut and angrily tore away at his skin... Still he climbed... he wanted to know... he wanted answers... He remembered frightening the woodland animals as he climbed higher and higher, seeing them dart about in frenzied panic as the breaking of twigs and small branches - a direct violation of previous training - disturbed their peace and serenity, heralded his presence... Still he climbed... he wanted to know... he wanted answers... When he reached the summit, he began to angrily shout, the turbulence of his voice challenging the ethers; mocking his Creator. "WHY ME???," he bellowed, "Why not someone else who's more physically or mentally stronger or more financially able to deal with these things. Why not someone else who can stand to lose, someone else who didn't have friends like I had. WHY ME!?!" Reverberating from the mountainside, rippling the waters of quiet streams and ponds, rendering him speechless, came like a voice, seemingly from nowhere, piercing the middle of his brain: "WHY NOT!!! It is YOU who have seen the problems; it must be YOU who solves them. It will be your children, your brothers and sisters, and all Children of Tomorrow who bear the consequences of your actions TODAY. Ignore the situation; find something else to do rather than deal with it, and it will persist - perhaps for generations yet to come. Mama san, baby san, Bac Si and bro' - you came back with the best wishes of THEIR lives. You have an obligation now to share that with others, to make this world a better place for those who will follow you. No finer person could have been chosen to do what you have to do, to give MEANING to all the battles. You asked WHY ME!?! And 'I' say: INDEED!!! Why not!!!" And Fuller slept... soundly... the first time since he had returned from that little country where he had grown so old so quick. VIETNAM VETERANS... the proudest, most persistent and determined veterans in ALL of American History! NamVet Special Edition Page 14 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 'til next month Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care NamVet Special Edition Page 15 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 March Forth! er'... March Fourth! NamVet 2-3 4 Mar 1988 Yeah! March 4th - the ONLY day of the year that's a command to go forward. I'm really pleased to be writing this editorial on such a positive day - for you, IVVEC, IWVEC and NAM VET. "Make no little plans. For there is no magic in them to stir men's souls." Plans? Little plans? Magic? How could these things relate to YOU, IVVEC, IWVEC and NAM VET? Why should they be discussed in a monthly editorial that is intended to reflect the pulsebeat of yesterday tempered with the wisdom and experience of passing years? Why? Have you ever seen the transformation that takes place as a brother or sister Vietnam veteran, cautiously standing in the shadows, first puts one untrusting foot into the light - and then another ... and another and another and another as they discover that there exists trust and love and kindness and caring and sharing and acceptance that can always be counted on? Have you watched as they ran off into their future KNOWING that somebody gave a da*n? Have you seen the light in the handicapped/housebound Vietnam veterans' eyes when they discovered IVVEC, IWVEC, and either download or have given to them a copy of NAM VET? Have you felt their happiness as the cold and sterile, unfeeling, uncaring boundaries of their existence suddenly faded away - to be replaced with the lively conversations in IVVEC/IWVEC and the articles in NAM VET? Have you shared their delight as wheelchairs, walkers, canes and crutches vanished? Have you shared the tears of gratefulness shed by the widow of a Vietnam veteran exposed to Agent Orange - and her children - as a FRIEND finally stepped out of the shadows him/herself, embraced the difficulties, said: "Let's do it!" ... and helped? Have you seen the secure, peaceful sleep of the children at night when they finally knew somebody really cared? If you're one of our readers who says that you HAVEN'T seen anything like some of the bright spots just mentioned, all I can say is that you're not looking or listening hard enough! The voice of the Vietnam veteran spirit *I've* heard continuously shouts: "We're here. We're part of the nearly 10 million who served during Vietnam. We're women. We're men. We're the children of the Vietnam veteran. We're the widows and widowers of Vietnam veterans. We're handicapped. We WANT to trust - but our pasts have shown us many a Judas. We self-medicate. We work hard - keep our noses to the grindstone so we won't have to look up and come face-to-face with who we really think we are. As brave as some of us were in service, consciously or unconsciously, we now experience fear. We're incarcerated - some of us still quietly carrying the burden of Vietnam, still not mentioning to anyone that we've served. We're all around you." And if you HAVE heard or experienced some of what we've just mentioned... all I can say is: NamVet Special Edition Page 16 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 "Make no little plans. For there is no magic in them to stir men's souls." In NAM VET, the IVVEC and IWVEC, there is the magic of friendship and caring, understanding and sharing, that helps the biggest of plans all come together... 'til next month Show a brother or sister veteran that YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 17 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Family Ties NamVet 2-4 2 Apr 1988 Gently, so as not to make too much noise, she approaches the black granite that rises, behemoth-like, from the grassy Washington Mall. She feels better coming alone and at night. On her left, appearing as if it would speak at any moment, is the Lincoln Memorial; light seeming to come from nowhere makes it as though a beacon in the darkness. To her right, towering high, is the Washington Monument. She can hear the precise steps of the military honor guard as it performs its vigilant duty at The Wall. A National Park Service attendant, small light shining on the Directory of Names, stands somber watch. "Wilbee Simmons, Sir? Could you tell me where I'd find his name listed?" The Park Attendant directs her to the west panels. Slowly, fearfully, yet mustering every bit of her strength, Teri looks carefully for the name of her husband. There's something about the way the Washington lights reflect from The Wall that remind her of the song Wilbee dedicated to her way back when they were only in their early years of high school. Building; preparing; steeling herself for the moment that HAS to come, she quietly hums to herself their familiar tune: "Ca-atch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away... Ca-atch a.." - and then she came upon it. Hand shaking almost uncontrollably, she reaches over and begins to trace the letters... W I L . . . Eyes watering, it starts. Release. Blessed release. She hasn't cried like this since she'd received the telegram. She'd had to be strong for the kids sake. Now she can let the tears - and Wilbee - go. "Wilbee, Darling, you ARE a part of American history, a living part. Here's John's name; and Gary's; and Jim's ... all of the soldiers you wrote me about. Each of you followed your fathers and family into service - and America's defense. Your brothers and sisters who made it back took upon their shoulders the battle begun by their grandfathers after World War I helping America to always, always keep her promise to care for those who put their lives on-the-line for her. Everyone says that you and all Vietnam veterans are the toughest, most persistent and determined veterans in all American history - and they're right! It's guys like you and your friends who gave EVERYTHING, Wilbee, and those who made it back, who help continue building the America we have today, and the responsible care for America's veterans that our grandfathers fought for. I remember when they used to tell us how the veterans of World War I were put on what we today would call the welfare rolls and looked down upon - and nearly every benefit they sought was denied. The inadequate War Risk Bureau, Board of Vocational Training and Public Health Services, in addition to so much more insensitivity, denial, and corruption of the Federal Government, made them march on Washington. I know you saw your brothers and sisters do a similar thing when they all came here to sharply prod NamVet Special Edition Page 18 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 the conscience of America and this monument was dedicated. I can tell you're part of the same family - only you're tougher. I brought the poem you wrote when you went to 'Nam, Wilbee. I remember how much it meant to you. I've saved it all these years - and I'll leave it here for you when I go. I've got it memorized. It's Easter now, a time of new beginnings, a time to get on with living my life in a way that would make you proud of me, a time to take the best that you've given - and go forward. I'm glad I got the chance to come here - to visit, to remember, to use those "Falling Stars" you and I put in our pockets years ago; many rainy days I've used them. Somehow, I have a little more strength now to help me through my life. Thank you, Wilbee Simmons. Remember I'll always love you and the sacrifices you made for me and everybody." Stepping back from the polished granite, Teri softly places a card from her and the two children, a flag, some flowers, and the often-read 12-line poem on the ground in front of Wilbee Simmons name: "America" This is my country! So beautiful and Free! A Land of Freedom for you and me! Where men have fought and men have died So that we may LIVE and share their pride; That this Country of ours, so great and strong, May unite again and sing a together song! Let us be brothers and join together To make our Nation - just a little better May we learn to forgive and forget our hates And never close our shining gates ... May Liberty's torch light the world around And in ALL the nations - may Freedom's echo resound! Teri turned, began to walk away. A bright flash in the western sky quickly caught her eye. A falling star - streaking, as though an arrow, over the Lincoln Memorial. And she remembered the words Lincoln once said: "To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his children." "Maybe tomorrow I'll ask the Veterans Administration if they can help. After all, my husband did give his life - and our children did give their father - so that we could all continue to live in freedom. Why didn't I think of that before?" Humming to herself another one of their old-time favorites, "That's the story of, that's the glory of... Love", Teri moves along the walkway towards the Washington city lights... 'til next month... Show a brother or sister veteran that YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 19 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 HOMELESS NamVet 2-5 7 May 1988 It sure seemed familiar. Clothes that had seen much better days; a face that badly needed a shave; shoes that should have been long ago thrown away. I checked my wallet - all personal ID had been removed from it - to see how much money I had left. $10. Not too bad. I was only going to be gone for 24 hours. At a little after 5pm, I walked into the local drug store. The clerk, a sweet young girl, smiled her brightest and went out of her way to find out for me when the next bus to Great Barrington, MA. was (about 25 miles away). The druggist eyed me suspiciously, watched my every move. I bought a small box of candy to tide me over and was soon on my way. It would be a good 45 minutes before the bus came. I walked down the street - thinking, observing, feeling how it felt NOT to have a home, NOT to know where I'd be sleeping, NOT to know where I'd be eating later that night. About three miles down the road, shadows from the roadside trees beginning to lengthen, I decided to wait at a bus stop. Walking was beginning to hurt. The wait wasn't long and soon I was aboard Berkshire's finest, only not headed to the city I wanted to go to. "Last bus out of town tonight, sir. We only go as far as Lee, MA (about 15 miles from my final destination)." Paid the man his dollar - only $9 left. No problem. Enough for a hamburger and coffee in Lee then I'd start walking to Great Barrington. It was cold out. I intentionally wore only very light clothing and carried no bedding. Weather was predicted to be in the low 30's with a little snow. Burger King looked warm and inviting, and I savored my hamburger for nearly an hour, washing it down with about 4 cups of coffee. Finally, noticing the darkening sky, I left and began the 5 mile walk to Stockbridge. "A step at a time... you can always call home collect if it gets too tough or your body gives out." Steps along the roadway. Cars coming from behind me. Soon some of the old "alert mechanisms" kick in - I carefully listen to the sound of the approaching vehicles, ready in an instant to jump into a nearby bush or take some other evasive action. I remember the time I hid amongst the rocks while a group of four searched in vain to find me. Never want to go through that again. Dogs bark in the distance. House lights come on and traffic thins out. It is getting colder. "Hup-two-free-four... Jody's got ur girl n' gone... sound off... one two sound off... three four" ... D*mn Jody anyway... Well, I finally made it to Stockbridge - home of Norman Rockwell. Town closes up at 5... everybody's gone. It's 9:30pm. Don't even hear the dogs anymore. My footsteps echo loudly. The sign by the side of the road reads: "Great Barrington 9 miles". My hips are startin' to bother me and the pain in my neck is beginning to bring tears to my eyes. I'm beginning to shiver. It is getting even colder. NamVet Special Edition Page 20 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 The little convenience store is open. I buy a cup of coffee. Beginning to shiver, I take it with me, cupping it close to capturing its warmth - hurrying towards Great Barrington. I'm counting the cars that pass me by, looking for the cherry-top that'll be the policeman. Maybe he'll stop and I'll get a ride. There's no more busses tonight. There isn't a cloud in the sky. I can see stars where I thought there were none. I take time to remember what this same kind of walk was like years ago. I can still remember the pain. I began callin' myself a fool for tryin' to be homeless. My ultra-thin jacket soon felt as though it were a frosted A&W mug and I put my hands in my pocket, as much to keep making my legs work (push the right, push the left, keep movin') as to keep them warm. It was a long, long walk. 2-miles away and I don't think I'm going to make it into the city. Can hardly move. Still countin' cars. Takin' steps that are no more than 5" in length. I'm looking for an abandoned car or an old barn on the side of the road. Not to be found. "A step at a time... left... right... push... push... 436 cars passed me and not a one of them with the bubble-gum machines on top..." 12:25 a.m. I finally get to the center of town and find an open convenience store. No bars open so's I could ask where the homeless stayed, maybe make friends with one or two. Takes me nearly 5 minutes to stop the shivering. Hands are blue. I ask the store attendant whether there's any shelters for the homeless in town. "No. Afraid I can't help you." He tells me where to find the police department. The sign in front of the bank says its 12:47; 32-degrees F, 0- degrees C. I'm barely able to make my feet move. I can't remember when I've hurt so bad. If I can only make it to the police department. Hate to admit it, but this is one disabled veteran that has failed in his stupid attempt to be homeless and now the police department will have to bring me home. Not easy "givin' yourself up to the police." Just around the corner from the police department I saw the stairway leading to the apartment over the Main Street stores. "It's gotta be warm in there. Lemme try." The first door I tried was locked. The second opened. Carefully, trying to be quiet, I climbed the stairs to the third floor. Bare wooden floors. A broken window at the end of the hall. If I could just sit down for a bit, maybe I'd be better. Once down, I don't want to get back up. The cold wind and snowflakes are blowing in through the window. A piece of board covers the window nicely and stops the snow. I half-sleep in a sitting position against the wall. I wake up every 20 minutes to see if anyone's coming out of the apartments along the hallway - Ready at a moments notice to get up and movin'. De Ja vu... At 0615 I'm back on the road again. Walk down to the local fast food franchise (another Burger King), tell the manager I'm NamVet Special Edition Page 21 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 homeless, ask him if he's got some work I can do for breakfast. "I'm really sorry," he said, "It's against the law to give you work to do to pay for your food. Minimum wage laws won't let me do it." He directs me back into town and to a local community action group. I ask about veterans' groups. None that can help. The town is awake now. 09:30. I stop at the Vet Center. Climb up the two floors and discover a sign: CLOSED. For service, please call (Pittsfield, MA) or 1-800- (Boston). Finally get help/breakfast at the community group. The lady who helped me said "If you'd have gone to the police department they would have called me and I would have made arrangements for you to stay in a motel for at least the night." After having my breakfast, and observing that I was treated with nothing but total honesty and dignity, I told her who I was and what I was doing. I paid for my breakfast - didn't want to take ANY monies away from the homeless. "How are you funded?" I asked. "Mainly through contributions from the local churches," she said. "Do any of the veterans groups nearby donate ANYTHING to you? Do they provide ANY help?" That was two weeks ago. I've regained most of the use of my legs and my neck isn't as stiff now. I know what to do if ever I'm homeless in a strange town: turn myself in to a police department and they'll help - or refer me to someone who can. I still haven't gotten over the sad feeling I got when I learned that no veteran group gives anything to help the homeless - leastways not in Great Barrington, Pittsfield, Adams, North Adams, or Dalton, Massachusetts. They're so d*mned busy runnin' their bars, sellin' their raffle tickets, yellin' at the government to start a new program that they don't see the need right under their feet. 'til next month... Show a brother or sister veteran That YOU care NamVet Special Edition Page 22 Volume 99, Number 1 March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xxx _ -. . - .-. - . . . . - XXXXXxxXXXXXXXXXXXx -. - .- . - . . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-. .--. - .- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -.- - -.- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -. -. -. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx .g -. -. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX .- j. .- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX . p .-. XXXXXXXX ]XXXXXXXXX ]XXXXXXXX .- - -. XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX -.- - -- XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX -- - XXXXXXXXX X'`XXX XXXXXXX Y Y XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXX XXXXXXX X X XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXX XXX XX X XXX XX XX XXXX XX XXX XX XX XX XXXX XXX]XXXXXXXXXXXX XXX[ XX XX XXX XXXXXXXXXX " I t ' s o n l y t e e n a g e a c n e ! " -Robert Nimmo- NamVet Special Edition Page 23 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Can I still salute, Sir? NamVet 2-6 4 Jun 1988 I came upon him just as the evening sun was casting long burnt- orange shadows over the hilltop. The wrinkled jacket he wore could hardly hide his strong, square shoulders. With weathered old hands, he grasped tightly a walking stick of sorts, and seemed to be sobbing. As I walked closer and he turned, I could see the familiar face of one I had come to know as Uncle Sam... "What's troubling you, Uncle," I said, "this is Memorial Day - a time that we mark special to remember those who fought and died to keep you the symbol of freedom. Look at all the flags in the cemeteries, hear all the parades and the fine speeches? See how proud everyone is of you? It's veterans like me who really know and appreciate what you stand for - veterans like me who still remember how to give you a snappy salute" "No," he said "It is *I* who should salute YOU - Salute you for all that you've done to give me the strength I have today. It was you who defended me - and came back to silence, to rejection and all the worst that I could give you. It was you who were misdiagnosed and mistreated by many in the military and the Veterans Administration as having pre-existing psychological difficulties and, as a result, received further injury from the misguided efforts of those who worked for me who did not understand the burdens under which you labored; it was you who had to deprogram yourself because I couldn't or wouldn't do it; and it is you, today, that sleeps in the alley ways and city streets because you have no home; and you - and your children - who now bear the pain of the aftereffects of Agent Orange. How will you ever know how much I appreciate what you've done?" "Gosh, Uncle, its good to see you learning," I said, "Learning what so many of us already have - that it sometimes takes more courage to face those things we've done and talk about them than to keep them all bottled up inside or, sometimes, even more than it did to actually do them. I see you've got the same symptoms we have - you sob a little when you realize what's been done; you seem haunted by the deeds of yesterday; you begin to understand how 26,000 - 110,000 of our veteran brothers and sisters have taken their own lives rather than live with their memories of your defense. It's a GOOD first step that you're taking by talking about it, something you've learned from the Vietnam Veteran... the strongest, toughest, most persistent and determined veteran in all of your history!" We talked all night, Uncle Sam and I - about Indians; about the Civil War; doughboys; donut dolly's; Pearl Harbor; Iwo Jima; the China-Burma-India route; the Bataan death march; Khe Sanh; Danang; Ben Hua... and so many, many other places and times - the feelings, the tears, the laughter - and before we knew it, the trouble and grief-filled night had passed. It was morning. As the eastern sun chased away the darkness, morning birds began to chirp, and the city below us came alive, Uncle Sam and I walked arm-in-arm from the shadows, excitedly planning what we would do for his next big day: July 4th - Independence Day. NamVet Special Edition Page 24 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 "Uncle Sam" and "Rip Van Winkle" - I wonder if they might have something in common? 'til next month... Show a brother or sister veteran that YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 25 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Clipper NamVet 2-7 4 Jul 1988 Twilight. Just like it was then. Clipper took aim. Breathing... Sight picture... Sight alignment... squ-e-e-z-e the trigger... This time, rather than a figure in the distance suddenly toppling over after he'd felt the kick of his rifle and its surge of raw, unleashed power, he saw the rusty beer can - 300 yards away - suddenly become shards of metal reflecting the dying sunlight. 3 tours in 'Nam; 13 years; 47 jobs; 2 wives, and 4 kids ago, he was that young soldier eagerly looking forward to sharing his experiences with his dad and all the other veterans at his hometown veterans' club. He could still feel the anticipated pride as he'd imagined the red, white, and blue of Old Glory waving in the breeze in his own front yard. In his worst nightmares, he'd never dreamt of what awaited him when he got off the plane. "Yeah, a long time ago," he mused, "A long time ago I thought I was doing something important, something that this country would be grateful for. I never thought I'd have all that trouble first GETTING a job then KEEPING it... never thought I'd react the way I did to what people said to me, called me. Sarah couldn't live with me any more. Terrified her when I'd have my nightmares. Kids were scared to death of me. The VA even labelled me "Paranoid- Schizophrenic" - medicated the hell out of me. Thought for sure I WAS crazy *until* I met others like me at the Vet Center who were goin' through the same kind of hell. Painful steps - but I made it back. PTSD. Another wife; more kids; a better future. Makin' enough now to pay the rent, buy some food. So what if my father got his college education paid for with a living allowance, a house with no down and payments he could afford, and employers that ADVERTISED for veterans. Don't mean nuthin' - I had to start ALL over again... like I was nobody." Gritting his teeth, he took deadly, accurate aim at the fast- moving chipmunk - a tiny speck running up the side of a distant tree. "B-r-e-a-t-h-i-n-g... Sight picture... Sight alignment... s-q-u-e-e-z-e the trigger..." Only a wet spot remained on the tree trunk... He'd earned his name again. "Since Julie came by my side," he grinned, "Things have gotten better. Kids aren't as afraid of me, we go hunting and fishing, and I see LIFE ahead of me - instead of all the death behind me. Sure, I know everything seemed to be working together to isolate me, cause me to withdraw further and further into myself. By denying me opportunities and keeping me away from them, they were making me old long before my time." Picking up the spent rounds, habitually policing his area for any traces that he'd been there, Clipper, 38 years old and Director of the Town's Homeless Veterans' Shelter, readied himself for his return trip and the press conference where, in behalf of his brother/sister Vietnam veterans, living and gone to that great Firebase-in-the-sky, he'd receive a 3-million-dollar donation from NamVet Special Edition Page 26 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 some actress for the States' Homeless and Underemployed veterans. "What goes around comes around, d*mnit! Won't take one name off of that black wall in Washington, DC. Don't mean nuthin'. Breathin'... sight picture... sight alignment... squ-e-e-z-e the trigger... when the lady says she's sorry, she gotta remember there's a lot more veterans in a lot more cities that been hurt by what she's done..." Till next month... Show a brother or sister veteran that YOU care. NamVet Special Edition Page 27 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Bert is back! NamVet 2-08 8 Aug 1988 Remember some months back (Jan 88) when I wrote about "Bert" - the 35-inch-plus smallmouth bass that lurked in the pond by century- old farmhouse in which I used to live? I've had very recent occasion to see him again... Well, my world felt like it was crashing in. I had recently graduated from our local state college - but there came a problem with granting my basic math credits, even though I've been certified as an electronics instructor, a Master Technician, and about the whole gamut of anything electronic. My request for credit came back denied. According to the college administration, the "math" that I used in electronics was actually physics and electronics and had nothing to do with the concepts of mathematics . I quickly learned of another crack a disabled veteran can fall through: The VA allows a subsistence stipend for the time in which a veteran attends school. Upon completion of a Vocational Rehabilitation program (which I just did) there should be a two- month payment as help while the veteran acquires employment. To receive the two-months payment, the veteran must submit his/her diploma. The holdup in my basic math credits meant my diploma would not quickly be forthcoming and that I would not receive the monthly allowance the VA had paid me for the past five years. A quick trip to the unemployment department disclosed that I couldn't even obtain Unemployment Insurance. "You haven't been working - you've been going to school. There's no money to your credit. We'd really suggest you go to the welfare department..." Me... a Vietnam veteran, at 43 years of age, finally received his BA in Sociology - and just got told to go to the welfare department to care for my family. Sugar!!! The noose grew a little tighter. Borrowed money kept the utilities on; words of explanation to my creditors kept 'em at bay and patient. But I was really beginning to have a problem with what I thought of myself... and I shared those problems, concerns with our editor, Todd... > I'm caught in like a "limbo", Todd... all the > applications I've filled out haven't as yet borne fruit TODD: "It takes time sometimes bro. That same thing has happened to me more than once and I always discovered that in the end, the wait was worth it. Just don't give up. Don't look back, that's behind you now and can only help if you apply what you learned for the future. Look ahead, there's a light at the end of that tunnel. Maybe you can't see it yet, and maybe it's another train coming your way, but all you need to do is step off the track and let it go by, the train you're looking for is heading the same direction you are and you just have to run a little before you can jump on." > What kept you going when you were POW? Did you NEED NamVet Special Edition Page 28 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 > structure, constructive things to do, worthwhile things > to do? What did you do when there were physical, > material things that you NEEDED or WANTED (i.e. Shaving > stuff; Cigarettes; other amenities?)? Would it have > been tougher if there were a family sorta dependin' on > you - in the there-and-then? What did you do, how did > you balance-the-scales with yourself when raised hopes > were dashed against the rocks? TODD: "That was the hardest time in all my life. I look back on it often, not to curse that I was put through that, or that GOD did that to me, but to reason out the WHY's and WHAT's that I learned. I know who I am. I know *exactly* what I am capable of and I know above all that when I let my guard down or feel sorry for myself that I will lose. When I was in camp I daydreamed a lot. I built a motorcycle in my head...from spokes to handlebars. When I came home I did it in real life. You are building that bike by working on the family and the VETLink etc. These things keep you going. What you cannot do is shut everything else out. You need to keep in touch with reality or you are a dead man. And when you die your family dies. Look ahead Joe. Dream about the things you want. Dreams are life. Through striving for our dreams we build life. Look ahead, there's something there waiting for you, you just haven't found it yet. It eludes you..tests your mettle. What gould would having it be if it came to easily. Only hard work and pain brings the best my little brother. Stay on the tracks, be looking for those lights. The right one is coming your way... in the direction you are travelling. It's *your* train Joe... can you hear it? "Woooooo Wooooooooooooo"" Georgia, my wife, had just gotten home from work... David, my near-16-year old son, was quietin' down and studyin' his algebra... Rosie, my 11-year-old daughter, was spendin' the night at her friends... I HAD to walk away from things to try to regain my perspective. "Daddy, can I go with you?" a tiny voice from the corner asked. My 13-year old son, Georgie... my little fishin' buddy... We took the back roads... Down the old dirt roads; past the many farms, past the cornfields and streams; past the steep, sloping roofs I had installed antennas on when I was owner/operator of my own TV/Radio Sales & Service Store; past the farm where the widowed farmer lived, still alone - the wizened old man who'd turned his Shepherd and Husky dogs loose on me when I was trying to learn to ride a motorcycle on those same back roads years ago... down a little further to the old mansion with the big pond alongside. New tenants now... super-wealthy. Asked permission to fish the pond (like I always did when I lived there... Little girl ('bout 4) said that if we were gonna take the fish with us it wouldn't be too good an idea... said "Thank You"... drove out... and into town... Hadn't changed much... Drove to the old house where I used to live. Has a new coat of NamVet Special Edition Page 29 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 paint on it... Someone's remodeling inside, even though no one lives there. Another touch of sadness as I remembered the 17- month, without-an-attorney, ordeal as I battled "a matter of principle" and lost. Georgie and I got out, walked the mile or so down the somewhat busy highway to the pond. I remembered the "tough" times when, just after my new wife and her children came to live with me, and we had no money, I used to go over there and "catch" dinner... I remembered, too, a horrendous lightning storm that came up quickly one time when I was out there fishing - with lightning bolts that only missed me by fractions of an inch - KNOWING and TRUSTING that God knew **exactly** where I was - and how I confidently and trustingly walked home through the storm ). WHERE was my trust and knowledge now? Signs posted all over the place: No Trespassing, No Swimming, No Fishing... We walked back, got in the car, and drove to the owners to ask permission. Rancher, Clydesdale horse-trainer, farmer, caring and responsible landlord - he told us he didn't own it anymore. "Go talk to Tom... his property is on the edge of the pond... maybe he'll let you fish from his backyard." How good it is, once in awhile, to go back home! Tom and his family remember me like I moved away only yesterday. I used to fix their TV's/Radio's - help 'em with their Antennas; was their daughters Sunday School teacher in the Town's only church... Tom gave Georgie and I a boat to use... said "Enjoy yourself... it's really good to see ya! When you guys are done, just lay the oars atop the Bronco in the front yard." Little fishin' buddy caught a 13" Smallmouth Bass - it put up one HECK of a fight and he was just as pleased as can be. I caught a little feller - decided to just leave it hooked and use it for bait. Didn't take long before one huge mouth broke the surface of the water, little feller tucked nicely inside... BERT!!! Georgie and I tried to land him - but he's a smart cuss. Shook the hook (had a mouth that I coulda put both my feet into with room left over!!!) and swam away... "Aren't you upset, Daddy?" "No, Son... there's plenty more in here. I just feel good we're back home for a bit. LOOK at the pretty world God's created... Can ya SMELL the freedom?" We fished a bit more... With Georgie's help, I finally landed two more - a 14-1/2-incher and an about 12-incher. He had a fit, though, when we threw the 12-incher back... "That was BREAKFAST, Dad..." "Nah, Son... throw it back, let it grow, let it live..." NamVet Special Edition Page 30 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Too soon it was dark and time for my little fishin' buddy and I to head in (too many bugs over the pond during a summer's night). We said our "Thank You's", heard our invitations to "Please come back soon" and soon we were on our way home. A couple of hours later, after the little fishin' buddy had proudly cooked our fish and we'd gobbled 'em up, he lay peacefully asleep on our couch - still a broad, happy smile all across his face. Reflections? Reminders? What REALLY matters in Life? Sure felt good to go back to our old home town and be so kindly remembered by all who we met, so welcomed... The good things we do in life, too, are remembered... a welcome "lookin' back...." Georgie... my little fishin' buddy... so trusting, so happy to be with his dad 'just fishin''... so asleep and peaceful... Todd... my friend... my younger-in-years but older-in- experiences brother... my friends in NAM VET and the IVVEC/IWVEC/VET-ORIENTED ECHO's... Darn... Ain't I rich?! Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h but it feels good to have walked down the good paths of yesterday... to have touched and felt and lived in what I was trying to avoid looking back and seeing... and to have walked in Today's paths... and to have come home peaceful... Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-hhhhhh but it feels good... and strengthening... and positive... and hopeful... and full of promise... Amplified and emphasized by the discussions, the problems, the different points of view we all share here... Thank you, big brother Todd... Thank you NAM VET readers... Thank you IVVEC/IWVEC.. I KNOW that there are lights along the tunnel of Life - as well as at the end... In case I forget, all I have to do is remember a smile on a child's face, or a fish jumpin' outta the water, or the friends I served with yesterday - and today... You know what REALLY matters, what's REALLY important? NOW!!! 'Til next month... Show a brother or sister veteran that YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 31 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 W W M M W W M M M M W W \ / M M M M OOOO W W W --*-- M M M IIII O O W W W W / \ M M II O O W W W W M M II O O W W M M II O O II PPPPPP O O ..... II AA PP PP OOOO . '' '' .. IIII A A PP PP ..' '.. A A PPPPPPP ..' ''. A A PP ..' '. AAAAAA PP .' ''. A A PP .' '. A A .' .:::::.. '. .' .::::::::::. ' .' .::::::::::::::. '. .' __ .::::::::::::::::;:... '. .' _- -_ .:::::::::::::::::::::::. '. .' _-_ _ _ -_ ::::::::::::::::::::::::' '. .. _- -!!___!!!-_:::::::::::::::::::::::. .. .' ==_ _- _= .:::::::::::::::::::::::: ', . =-_= _= = :::::::::::::::::::::::: . .' =-_ =_- = ::::::::::::::::::::::: '. .' = - -_ =_:::::::::::::::::::::. '. .' -_ -_- .:::::::::::::::::::;;;. '. .' _-_ ..::::::::::::::::::::::::; '. . _ _ .:;:::::::::::::::::::::;, . ' _ .:::::::::::::::::::::::::. '. Y .'.....::::::::::::::::::::::::::;' '. N ::::::::::::::::::::::::' `''' ': O `::::::::::::::::::::::: \v/ \ / :'E `:::::::::::::::::::::: =========================== :' U `:::::::::::::::::::::. /^\ \ :'T `:::::::::::::::::::: .: A `:::::::::::::::::: .:'T `::::::::::::::::::. .;' R `:::::::::::::::::. .;' T `::::::::::::::::. .;' E `:::::::::gjp::: .:' O `:::::::::::::...........'' G N O T F O R " Bring them home --- NOW !!! " NamVet Special Edition Page 32 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Think about it... NamVet 2-9 5 Sep 1988 Many times I've toyed with the idea. Periodically working at a wide variety of jobs since a very early age (7 to be exact); caring, concerned, interested in other people and the things they do; concerned about what happens to them and in effecting positive changes in their lives, I have searched for that singular area in which I could best serve. TV-Radio repair wasn't it: THAT industry has been widely known to have taken unfair advantage of the trust and lack of technical knowledge of the average person. Politics wasn't it: THAT industry continuously requires that a person *compromise* more than stand on principle; make decisions, not in favor of the constituency responsible for placing one in office, but in favor of large manufacturers, corporations, or contributors who, in turn, could help the majority of the electorate. If one plays with coal it is difficult to maintain clean hands. However, if one chooses NOT to play with coal; NOT to compromise, and NOT to deviate from lifetime values, our electronic newsletter - NAM VET - the first of its kind in the world, is an excellent avenue to consider for self-fulfillment and service to our veteran community; an excellent avenue to consider when you want to hear or tell about the veterans who've made it, as well as those who still wait to come home. Many years ago there was a man who had handicaps that would put most disabled persons to shame and make them feel grateful for whatever good qualities they had. Short, fat, bald, deformed, *AND* ugly, he walked about the marketplace asking questions about what people did and why they did it. It made them uncomfortable and nervous to have someone so interested in them and what they were doing. After a time, because of his consistent questioning and probing, the people grew angry and finally decided to end it -- once and for all. Encircled by an angry and somewhat paranoid mob, before he even had half a chance to record some of his observations for future generations that surely would follow, life slowly ebbed out of Socrates -- killed because he made people think, made them feel important (when they really didn't see themselves as amounting to much) -- killed -- by the very people he tried to help. His death, though, was not in vain for it was but the first step in assuring today's free press and today's NAM VET. This country had barely become a nation when James Madison, John Jay, and Alexander Hamilton, writing under the pseudonym of Publius, published a series of essays that we now call THE FEDERALIST PAPERS, between October 1787 and May 1788 that were largely responsible for the December 15, 1791 ratification of America's Bill of Rights, the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution. NamVet Special Edition Page 33 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Madison, who was later to become our 4th U.S. President (1809-17), battled strongly within the confines of the First Amendment to assure that our democracy would work at its best and that there would always be a free and unfettered force contained within our society to watch over the government: the press - even though, at the time of ratification, there were in existence only eight daily newspapers, none of which was really good and all of whom had a reputation for scurrilous reporting. In later years, that "press" would end the political career of U.S. Senator Edmund G. Ross, the man who cast the Not Guilty vote that made impossible the impeachment of 17th U.S. President Andrew Johnson, citing, in a Kansas editorial, that Ross had "sold himself, and betrayed his constituents; stultified his own record, basely lied to his friends, shamefully violated his solemn pledge... and to the utmost of his poor ability signed the death warrant of his country's liberty" -- the Not Guilty vote that had "saved the country from ... a strain that would have wrecked any other form of government." Through painful firsthand experience, America has learned much since first it came into being, and "Freedom of the Press," since Ross' time, has become more responsible, more ethical. Though the First Amendment mandated that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press..." there have been nine specific exemptions to it (such as the one that applies if you are an employee of the Government) proposed and enacted by Congress, most exemptions presumedly for the good of the government or the people. Lest we become enmeshed in quarrels over Law, or interpretations of the U.S. Constitution, let us attempt to look at the actual reasons for the existence of a free press, whose mission is not to sabotage our form of government or our individual bureaucracies and/or administrations but to report on them, to inform the public of their activities, cover the news. The press (and NAM VET) actually have no power; they cannot write a parking ticket, cannot draft one into military service - or exempt one from it; cannot tax, and the best expose cannot correct even the most minor defect. It does, though, have the ability to influence its readers. It is akin to the flat tire changer who, when experiencing a flat tire, doesn't admire the good qualities of the unflat tires but attempts to repair the damaged one. Dishonest politicians and those who vote against veterans; deplorable conditions within Veterans Administration hospitals; too many cracks the trusting veteran can fall through... The press, the "flat-tire-changer," tries to fix what is wrong by calling our attention to it. Working with and contributing to "NAM VET" means working with a heritage -- a heritage of men like Socrates and Madison, Ross and J.F. Kennedy; *USING* the heritage we've all earned to preserve the balance within our Government, its responsibilities and promises to America's "toughest, most persistent and determined veterans in all her history"; to stand strong against any attempt to limit, change or compromise the benefits and care given our NamVet Special Edition Page 34 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 veterans or penalize them for exercising the freedom they helped maintain --- and it definitely means choosing NOT to play with coal; NOT to compromise, and NOT to deviate from lifetime values. Are you tired of "toying with an idea?" Want to really get involved? Be your community's NAM VET Veteran Reporter and let the rest of the world know what's happening where YOU live, what's going on in the VA hospitals and with your political representatives, what's happening with those 'Nam brothers and sisters that you know of who've done great things with the 'gift' Uncle Sam distributed so freely upon discharge. Think about it... write away ... 'til next month Show a brother/sister veteran ...that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 35 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 In Summation... NamNews 2-10 1 Oct 1988 The nights are getting colder now; the heater comes on quite often, keepin' the family and I somewhat warm. For many, its a time to reflect on the passing of another year; for others, only but the beginning of plans for next spring and summer. De ja vu. I've been fascinated by the leaves on the trees. Seems like only yesterday I saw them appear as buds on naked skeletons; then as dressing; now, in what many of us know are their last days, they blaze in brilliant blood-red crimsons, orange-yellow greens, and hint at the copper-colored mahogany shroud they will soon become as the white of winter blankets the surrounding countryside. Many of US are like those leaves... Seems like only YESTERDAY... Vibrant; pulsing with the energy of our youth, we carefully observed the surrounding jungle, alert for even the slightest unnatural movement or sound; or trained ever- intensely here in the States, preparing for that time when we might go to the Nam... YESTERDAY it was that we surely believed that what we were doing meant something important to our country... I've heard many of the veterans talk - talk about their experiences; how they were treated when they returned home; the shock of being one moment in the bush and the next on a Freedom Bird homeward bound; heard them talk about their many nightmares and how a few of 'em sleep still today with a towel rolled up under their heads to catch the sweat... heard them talk about the many, many jobs they've held - always searching, searching, searching for that elusive peace and sense of security... tried to be their friend when they remembered their losses... Somehow, I think about the leaves... Our "Day in the Sun?" Was it a parade we wanted? A monument? A statue? Average age of we Vietnam vets is 40.6. 40.6! The time of life when most of us should really be cemented in our careers and starting to put all the pieces together. 40.6 - and many of us are just beginning... to pick up where, a long time ago, things went into limbo; when we were thrown off-balance by reactions many of us didn't expect from our America... 40.6... Like the leaves... from good stock... cover good ground... Just thoughts... just thoughts... I've heard from a few of our Nam Vet contributors. Many of 'em ask: "Didya like the piece I wrote?" or "What did you think of..." I tell 'em to watch the IVVEC... surely if any of you were impressed or angered or (fill in the blank --------) you'd say somethin' in the echo... Todd; Myself; our many contributors - we all need FEEDBACK, we need to KNOW what articles you were pleased with; what articles made you think; what articles made you remember... or reminded you of that time "when..." NamVet Special Edition Page 36 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 How 'bout it? Something in this or the last few issues impress you, make you think, make you wonder? How 'bout sharing it with us, starting/sparking new conversations...? How about your neighbor - is s/he a Nam Vet? Is there something important about a vet you know that we'd all benefit by knowing? Can ya write at least a little about him/her? Somehow... I'm reminded about the leaves... and KNOW that where some are ablaze in brilliant splendor, others are waiting... ready... eager for forward motion... NOW would be a good time! Lastly... I'm still preparing some documentation and researching Title 38 for some EFFECTIVE actions that will bring better service to our nations veterans in the VA hospitals. Many things have been happening up here that have changed my timetable a bit. To those of you who have sent me your written claims, etc: THANK YOU - these are the things we need to bring about change - positive change. I hope to finish at least this FIRST of our efforts in the very near future. To those of you who were hoping for super- quick action, I apologize. LIFE has sorta kept me pretty busy lately but, as soon as possible, I'll be back on it and we'll put PART ONE into play. THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE... 'til next month... Show a brother/sister veteran ... that YOU care NamVet Special Edition Page 37 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 Editorial for Veterans Day 1988 NamVet 1st Anniversary Issue 11 November 1988 "A good soldier never looks back" At least, that's what they told me all during my military training. They told the same thing to my uncles, my father and my grandfather. Probably YOU, YOUR father and YOUR relatives, too. "Never, never look back; always, always keep your eyes fixed on your objective - and the one after that." I don't remember them teaching any of us how to be human, how to think and act and feel. The only *REAL*, *super-disciplined* training in our young lives - and it was training in how to kill, how to look at another human as an enemy that is to be destroyed. That's the way STRONG men did it - the Patton's, Auddie Murphy's and all the rest. They NEVER looked back; they NEVER let themselves become idle - always reaching new goals, beginning new involvements; they NEVER took the time to FEEL... It worked for awhile. I created my own "safe" places to hide where, according to all the onlooking world, I was busy and productive ("prolific" I think they call it in the writing world) - but in my busyness, I never gave myself time to look up, never wanted to see those uncomfortable things I could remember from yesterday. Too busy lookin' forward... I think it happened at The Wall in Washington... or maybe it was when one of our brothers or sisters said that they, too, felt numb and as if their life was meaningless... or it could have been when my Dad died and then, shortly thereafter, my Mother... Somehow, with all its pressures, all its desirable goals, all its urgency *LIFE* suddenly said *STOP* and when, as my training has taught me, I looked for an alternative route, it came back and said: "I MEANT... all the way!" Stopping forward momentum wasn't comfortable - wasn't something I'd been taught was OKAY, wasn't my lifestyle. My friends whose names are on The Wall; My parents who had yearned for happiness and contentment for their children; My family who can only imagine the things that experience has taught me, only hope to benefit - rather than suffer - from the pitfalls I'd learned to avoid... Stop? Not me... never... But when I did... I found tears; I found sadness; I found some painful, bitter and unpleasant memories. No wonder I kept my head down; no WONDER I kept busy - so busy I'd never have a chance to look back! By keeping so busy and never, never taking the time to just savor Life - as it is, with its ups and its downs - little did I realize how I was perpetuating the pains of all the yesterdays by holding inside of me all the hurts and the losses and the grief. Since then, I've learned that sadness and grief are part of the healing process, part of getting better, part of letting go those things - feeding upon themselves - that disturb and hold one NamVet Special Edition Page 38 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 back... part of the process of learning to be human again. I'm writing this the eve of Veterans' Day - a day we'll all take a little time to remember... remember the sacrifices and the pain, the successes and the failures... the PRICE of the FREEDOM we all today enjoy... and many have paid for. I hope that, in sharing my own personal experiences here, you or someone you know will find YOUR way a little easier, will take time to remember we're all in this together... the good and the bad - and there's growth and healing in it all... 'til next month... Show a brother/sister veteran That YOU care... NamVet Special Edition Page 39 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 OUR HIDDEN CAGES NamVet 2-11 5 Nov 1988 Here we are, a week before Veterans' Day, the completion of our first full year of NAM VET publication. 'Bout ready to fall asleep here in front of the computer, been here all night tryin' to make sure this issue got out on time... Was hopin' THIS month to be able to have it all put together for Todd so's he wouldn't have too much to do save mailin' it out to the rest of ya'... unfortunately I didn't quite make it and the final touches on this issue will, as usual, be done by our Editor- In-Chief himself... Thanx Todd... As I put the final touches on MY end of this publication, I'm reminded of the cruel enemy general who went out and had one of his own countrymen captured, brought to the Town Square, and had him placed in a cage. "Why... Why are you doing this to me?" the bewildered villager called out. "What have I done? What is wrong? Please, let me talk to the General" Upon the orders of the General, none of the soldiers talked to the man. Other villagers were warned to say nothing to him else they, too, would fall prey to some undesirable punishment. This went on for days, then weeks, then months. Finally, the twisted curiosity of the general was satisfied. After placing the prisoner's food in his cage, the soldiers noticed that he just sat there staring... staring into space, not seeing them or any of the people around them. "Well, that's just a story," you might be saying, "Something like that might have happened a long time ago but it sure wouldn't happen in today's world." No? Look around you. Look for the incarcerated veteran who hears from no one; look for the homeless veteran sleeping under a nearby bridge; look for the hungry/unemployed/underemployed veteran, barely having enough to survive on, who "falls through the cracks of just about every program that could help him/her give beautiful meaning to their life; look for the veteran who doesn't want to be seen - for, having once been easily identifiable by almost all, that veteran was the object of ridicule, rejection, discrimination and now just wants to remain away from public view... No? Listen around you. Listen for the sounds of the night broken by cries of anger or panic; listen as a citizen reads aloud the daily paper: "Vietnam vet..."; listen to the often heard words: "I'm sorry, you're not eligible..." No? Stop. Think about how often you, like I, have not answered a letter or a telephone call or a request for help. Think about how often your talents and abilities, like mine, have been requested in order to help get an important assignment completed but other things have always held higher priority. VETERANS' DAY 1988... on the horizon. Just a few short days NamVet Special Edition Page 40 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 away. Time for each of us to pause and reflect upon the freedom each of us have given part of our lives for. Freedom to vote; to have a part in our nation's present as well as it's future; Freedom to choose the path we might follow... VETERANS' DAY 1988... in the foreground. A chance; an opportunity; a beginning for all those precious things so dearly bought with hard work, sacrifice, fear - and a strong determination to rise to our very best. VETERANS' DAY 1988... just about here. A time to let your fellow veteran know s/he is no longer alone, that help for any of their problems is only as near as you are; a time, by communicating and sharing, to shatter the silent prisons of the mind - prisons which have held each of us in their bondage and we, in turn, have held others... it's time... TIME...to think and do something about helping produce NAM VET... to think and do something about our homeless... to think and do something about our future... 'til next issue... Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care... 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IIXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXpX The Vietnam Veteran XII IIXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX has relatives in the III IIIXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX Old and New Testaments III IIIXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX who also experienced loss II IIXXXXXXXXX XXX and grief, guilt and shame, II IIXXXXXXXXX XX rejection and betrayal, I IXXXXXXXXX alienation and estrangement, I IXXXX XX isolation and withdrawal. II IIXXXX II IIX Adam and Eve tried to hide from God; II II Moses, born Hebrew and raised Egyptian IIII IIII searched long and hard for his real self; II II Job, losing his children and all he owned, II II became sorely diseased; IIII III Biblical Joseph was rejected by his brothers, II II lied about and imprisoned; I Peter denied Jesus. II I "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" Matthew 28:20 NamVet Special Edition Page 42 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 A New Year... NamVet 3-1 7 Jan 1989 "Maybe tomorrow... maybe tomorrow someone will call in response to one of the many job applications I've filled out... maybe tomorrow the mailman will bring a response to my VA claim for Unemployability... maybe tomorrow will show the way that I can apply all that I've learned to help my brother and sister veterans in whatever they're trying to do... maybe tomorrow..." Chad continued his pacing. Back and forth; back and forth; back and forth in a well-worn path through his living room. Upstairs his family slept peacefully and comfortably. They didn't know that the bank was in the process of foreclosing the mortgage on their home. Outside, sub-zero winds whipped against the new roof and siding he'd just replaced. "I just can't understand it," he told himself. "40 years old... a doctorate in life experiences... the last few years spent in sacrifice and struggle so's that I'd have the formal education that SOCIETY wants to see - and NOW I can't even find a job! Prospective employers find one excuse after another to hire somebody else rather than me... what's the problem???" How he wished he could go back into the military! "Too old!" they said when he'd tried to re-enlist. "Besides, you're disabled... you'd have to waive your disability... Vietnam veterans have equal opportunity in the employment arena - just keep trying..." Homeless... about to happen to him and his family... Incarcerated... a very real possibility if something positive didn't happen soon... Hospitalized... good for him - but not for his family. I know this veteran very well. I'll keep you posted on what happens to him and his family... I think we can help him and his family through the many services we are now making available through NAM VET and the International Vietnam Veterans Echo. 1989... the eleventh hour for many of our country's veterans. 1989... a time when children are saying to themselves: "When I grow up, I wanna be... and when I die, I know there's gonna be a flag near me an' I'm gonna hear the Star Spangled Banner playin' off in the distance..." 1989... a time to reach for the best that is in each of us and to share it with our nation's young... 'til next month... Show a brother/sister veteran that YOU care!!! NamVet Special Edition Page 43 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 It's only for a little while... NamVet 3-2 4 Feb 1989 The thick black of night was losing its ground against the approaching new day when I found him. Monotone shades of gray, dark green, and yellow-brown had made it hard to find his lean-to. It was the smoke that gave him away. Stepping carefully over the trip-wire he'd set up, I entered his camp. "Butch," I softly whispered. "Be cool, man... it's just me. I wanna help. Talk to me, bro'... talk to me..." I'd almost forgotten what it was like to deal with another man's anger and hurt and pain. "Get the f*ck outta here. You were never in combat; you never saw your buddies blown to sh*t right in front of your eyes; you were never pinned down when Charlie just kept comin' and comin' and comin', never lettin' up, always gettin' sneakier and sneakier... Get lost, Jack... you have NO IDEA of what I've gone through..." "You're right, Butch. I have no idea of what you've been through - just like you have no idea of what I've been through. I've seen combat on a different front... right here at home. I've pulled dying men and women from crumbled cars on the freeways and turnpikes of our America - and tried to keep 'em alive. Didn't make it though. I can remember feeling so helpless while a skydiving friend fell across the high tension wires. And I won't forget the child I saved when everyone else said it was too late... lying there on the side of a mountain, pickup truck crushing his chest, I did the only thing I could think of to get him breathing again: stuck my finger down his throat - and he cried. 2nd and 3rd degree burns across his upper torso and a shaved head later - and he was alive and healthy. There's a lot of others, Butch - but that's not important just now. YOU are. You see, I'm lookin' at another part of the battle I, like you, enlisted for - is it 20 years ago now??? My battle never stopped - it was just like moving from one area of service to another. I don't think I could have done what you did; don't know how I'd deal with someone actually trying to kill me rather than asking for me to help 'em out of a life-threatening circumstance. Talk to me, Butch... help me understand... I've always been your friend..." "Besides bein' friends, Jack, we've got a LITTLE bit in common. You're right, I'm havin' it tough. I don't want to talk about it 'cause talkin' keeps wakin' the memories back up." Showing me a faded picture of a 19-year old soldier with a chain of human ears around his neck, Butch began to cry. "I can't let it go, man... I can't let it go..." "I TOLD the cherry to let ME do the point gig, let ME do the dirty stuff... Nah! HE had to play John Wayne. He walked right into it... walked right into it. They were waiting. Took out 8 of the 10 of us. Captured Sam - but not before I got back at a few of 'em. See those ears round my neck in the picture?" "Sam never came back, although I often heard that he was still alive. And all my friends, my patrol. Gone! 21 years ago NamVet Special Edition Page 44 Volume 99, Number 1 March 19, 1991 today!" "Talk to me, Butch... It's okay. I can't share the battle with you but I CAN share the same feelings you do... I can listen and be your friend..." Butch stayed on the mountain for nearly three weeks. I went to see him every morning and evening. It was about the third week that the trip-wires and other traps disappeared and his camp became open. I remember the last day I went there... Butch met me half-way up the mountain