+---------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | NN NN AAAA MM MM VV VV EEEEEEE TTTTTTTT | | NNN NN AA AA MMM MMM VV VV EE TT | | NN N NN AA AA MM M M MM VV VV EE TT | | NN N NN AA AA MM M MM VV VV EE TT | | NN N NN AAAAAAAA MM MM VV VV EEEEE TT | | NN N NN AA AA MM MM VV VV EE TT | | NN NNN AA AA MM MM V V EE TT | | NN NN AA AA MM MM VVV EEEEEEE TT | | | | The International Newsletter for Vietnam Veterans | +---------------------------------------------------------------+ Editor in Chief: Todd Looney Assistant Editor: G. Joseph Peck Nam Vet is a special newsletter dedicated to Vietnam Veterans around the world, and provided electronically as a service to participants in the International Vietnam Veterans' Echo Conference (IVVEC) available on many FidoNet (tm) bulletin boards in the U.S., Europe, and Canada. Not all of the articles appearing in NAM VET are written by participants in the IVVEC, but the NAM VET is very much an electronic newsletter by, of, and for Vietnam veterans, their friends, wives and lovers. Articles from veterans or anyone else wishing to express themselves about Viet Nam or related experiences are invited to submit their writings for publication to the Vietnam Veterans Valhalla (143/27), the VETlink #1 (321/203), or to any node carrying the IVVEC whose sysop can forward your work from there. NAM VET is published monthly by the Vietnam Veterans Valhalla. The views expressed are not necessarily those of the NAM VET, it's staff or volunteers. The newsletter is made up of articles and other newsletters as well as other sources. We are not responsible for the content of this information nor are any of the above mentioned parties. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for noncommercial purposes only. For use in other circumstances, please contact Todd Looney at (408) 947-7668. Table of Contents 1. KidsNews Special Editorial ............................... 2 VETLink #1 Editorial DEROS Delayed ...................... 3 2. SERVICES ................................................. 4 Peace With Honor? ........................................ 4 PERILOUS JOURNEY ......................................... 8 PTSD - Towards a Better Understanding .................... 10 3. MEMORIES ................................................. 32 Anatomy Of A Warrior ..................................... 32 Why Isn't Billy's Name Up There? ......................... 34 In Memory of a Young Bleeder ............................. 36 Dear Dad ................................................. 39 Family Ties .............................................. 42 And more! NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 1 11 November 1988 ================================================================= EDITORIALS ================================================================= From the desk of: Editor KidsNews Fido 1:100/525 =========================================================== VETERANS DAY ARTICLE =========================================================== Veterans Day is a special time. As Americans gather at cemeteries and memorials throughout this great land, we are reminded that fundamentally we are a family. We pause this day to reflect on the love and commitment of nearly 40 million living veterans who have served that family. We acknowledge that none have given fuller expression to that love than those who have died or been disabled in defense of our nation. We demonstrate today through our ceremonies and in our private thoughts and prayers America's lasting gratitude and admiration for those who have allowed us to prosper in peace and freedom. We reflect that such blessings are not universally enjoyed; that tyranny, aggression, and cruel terrorism challenge what so many Americans have fought and died to protect. We honor our veterans in a manner that befits the American family. Our nation might have chosen the anniversary of a great battle. Instead, we chose the anniversary od a great silence; the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month when the guns of World War I at last were still. We celebrate not war, but the end of war. We are a people of peace. As we look with hope toward the day when the guns are forever silent, let us once again express appreciation to those whose splended heritage lives on in a new generation of servicemen and women who have taken their places on the battlements of American freedom. Thanks America!...from KidsNews. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 2 11 November 1988 Editorial for Veterans Day 1988 by G. Joseph Peck VETLink #1 321/203 Pittsfield, MA "A good soldier never looks back" At least, that's what they told me all during my military training. They told the same thing to my uncles, my father and my grandfather. Probably YOU, YOUR father and YOUR relatives, too. "Never, never look back; always, always keep your eyes fixed on your objective - and the one after that." I don't remember them teaching any of us how to be human, how to think and act and feel. The only *REAL*, *super-disciplined* training in our young lives - and it was training in how to kill, how to look at another human as an enemy that is to be destroyed. That's the way STRONG men did it - the Patton's, Auddie Murphy's and all the rest. They NEVER looked back; they NEVER let themselves become idle - always reaching new goals, beginning new involvements; they NEVER took the time to FEEL... It worked for awhile. I created my own "safe" places to hide where, according to all the onlooking world, I was busy and productive ("prolific" I think they call it in the writing world) - but in my busyness, I never gave myself time to look up, never wanted to see those uncomfortable things I could remember from yesterday. Too busy lookin' forward... I think it happened at The Wall in Washington... or maybe it was when one of our brothers or sisters said that they, too, felt numb and as if their life was meaningless... or it could have been when my Dad died and then, shortly thereafter, my Mother... Somehow, with all its pressures, all its desirable goals, all its urgency *LIFE* suddenly said *STOP* and when, as my training has taught me, I looked for an alternative route, it came back and said: "I MEANT... all the way!" Stopping forward momentum wasn't comfortable - wasn't something I'd been taught was OKAY, wasn't my lifestyle. My friends whose names are on The Wall; My parents who had yearned for happiness and contentment for their children; My family who can only imagine the things that experience has taught me, only hope to benefit - rather than suffer - from the pitfalls I'd learned to avoid... Stop? Not me... never... But when I did... I found tears; I found sadness; I found some painful, bitter and unpleasant memories. No wonder I kept my head down; no WONDER I kept busy - so busy I'd never have a chance to look back! By keeping so busy and never, never taking the time to just savor Life - as it is, with its ups and its downs - little did I realize how I was perpetuating the pains of all the yesterdays by holding inside of me all the hurts and the losses and the grief. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 3 11 November 1988 Since then, I've learned that sadness and grief are part of the healing process, part of getting better, part of letting go those things - feeding upon themselves - that disturb and hold one back... part of the process of learning to be human again. I'm writing this the eve of Veterans' Day - a day we'll all take a little time to remember... remember the sacrifices and the pain, the successes and the failures... the PRICE of the FREEDOM we all today enjoy... and many have paid for. I hope that, in sharing my own personal experiences here, you or someone you know will find YOUR way a little easier, will take time to remember we're all in this together... the good and the bad - and there's growth and healing in it all... 'til next month... Show a brother/sister veteran That YOU care... Ci'ao for Ni'ao -Joe- ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 4 11 November 1988 ================================================================= SERVICES ================================================================= U.S. VETS LEFT BEHIND WITH "PEACE WITH HONOR" DID YOU KNOW? The North Vietnamese refused to take responsibility for negotiating on behalf of their communist allies in Laos or Cambodia, and Kissinger did not want to further complicate the talks by allowing those elements to participate directly? Kissinger found the solution when he convinced the North Vietnamese to make a "non-binding verbal agreement" to speak for the Pathet Lao and the Khmer Rouge. The Vietnamese were adamant, however, that such representation not be the final agreement. This did not prevent Kissinger from pretending that he had their assurance for the release of the prisoners which the North Vietnamese , who were always careful and exact with their wording, referred to those as "detained in Laos". (Hanoi was saying at the same time that there were no prisoners being held in Cambodia by the Khmer Rouge.) But the North Vietnamese, either more skillful or more resolute, or the stronger negotiating position, had established their own "articles of enforcement". They and their Pathet Lao allies had over 1000 American prisoners in their hands and they would only release about half of them initially. They felt certain that rest could be used to force U.S. payment of the promised aid. The Vietnamese had waited in amazement, throughout the war, As American search and rescue teams sometimes flew as many as 300 sorties in the effort to save one downed U.S. pilot. America's fighting men had repeatedly demonstrated the value they placed on the lives and freedom of their comrades. Hanoi know WE knew they had many more than the 501 prisoners on the February 1st list. They knew WE KNEW the Pathet Lao were holding hundreds of prisoners in Laos. DID YOU KNOW? In a January 24 press conference Kissinger announced, "The return of American personnel and the accounting of missing in action is unconditional and will take place within the same time frame of the American withdrawal...American prisoners held in Laos and North Vietnam will be released to us in Hanoi". Senior communist representatives in Vientiane Soth Petrasy reacted to Kissinger's statement, "If they were captured in Laos, they will be returned in Laos". There had been NO discussions with the Pathet Lao, and there was NO AGREEMENT for return of prisoners "held in Laos". NO American was released who had been held in Laos. NO American was released in Laos. Hundreds of reports taken during NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 5 11 November 1988 debriefing sessions with Americans who ESCAPED from camps in Laos provide overwhelming evidence that many, many more Americans were left there. DID YOU KNOW? Throughout the years numerous Pathet Lao officials had often spoken publicly about American prisoners in their control. They said that discussions regarding the release of those men could commence only after the hostilities in Laos were over, and most importantly the bombing was over. The U.S. continued bombing in Laos until August of 1973, 6 MONTHS AFTER Operation Homecoming, 6 months AFTER the U.S. government announced, "There is no reason to believe any American missing remain alive in Southeast Asia". DID YOU KNOW? On March 22, Nixon temporarily halted U.S. troop withdrawals. General John A. Wickham, Jr., Deputy Chief U.S. delegate to the Four Party Joint Military Commission, sent a letter to the North Vietnamese revising the time schedule for the withdrawal of remaining U.S. troops in Vietnam. The pullout was to be resumed only if the United States received a "complete list of all United States prisoners of war, including those held by the Pathet Lao, as well as the date, time and place of release". (A list of 9 American prisoners being held in Laos was already delivered to Washington. What prisoners was Gen. Wickham referring to?) The North Vietnamese responded that to hold them responsible for the return of prisoners detained in Laos illogical and constituted a violation of the Paris Peace Agreement, which placed on them no such responsibility. They showed for the first time that the "non-binding verbal agreement" was just that! On March 29, Pathet Lao officials traveled to Hanoi to participate in the release ceremony for the nine American and one Canadian prisoner captured in Laos by the Vietnamese, and both the Lao and the Vietnamese claimed these 10 were the "Laos prisoners". These 10 saw their "captors" for the first time that day! (These 10 were never "detained in Laos") The Vietnamese and the Lao were undoubtedly surprised when the OBVIOUS LIE was accepted by the U.S. But, regarding the large number of American prisoners captured and detained in Laos, Nixon was in a very precarious political position. One of the 22 Articles of Impeachment later considered, as the Watergate cover- up began to unravel, was for Nixon's illegal use of U.S. military personnel in Laos. Because of Nixon's vulnerability regarding his conduct of the war in Laos, it was too dangerous to take a strong public stand demanding the release of such a large number of prisoners in Laos, so that OBVIOUS LIE was not challenged and the American troop withdrawals resumed later that same day. The failure to challenge that lie, for political reasons, drove the NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 6 11 November 1988 first nail into the coffins of HUNDREDS of remaining American prisoners. DID YOU KNOW? On April 5, the Senate voted down the consideration of aid - the Second nail was driven. Then on APril 7, the Vietnamese announced, for the first time, that there had been no detention facilities for holding prisoners in Laos, and that they had been executed within several hours of capture. (this comes as a shock to me! and I'm sure to the dozens of other U.S. soldiers who escaped from "detention" facilities well within Laos!) The Vietnamese KNEW we KNEW it was not true, and made the statement to warn us we might never get our men if we did not pay. In a last-ditch effort, Robert McFarlane was dispatched to Hanoi to offer $100 million in emergency medical aid for the North Vietnamese city of Vinh, in return for the remaining American prisoners. "We were promised $4 billion, and we want it!" Nail number 3. On April 11, Dr. Roger Shields received a phone call from his boss, Assistant Secretary of Defense William Clements who said, "All the prisoners are dead". Nail number 4. On April 12, Dr. Shields announced, "There is no reason to believe there are Americans remaining alive in Southeast Asia". Nail number 5. Almost immediately following Operation Homecoming, U.S. participants in the deliberations of the Joint Economic Commission (the North Vietnamese/U.S. team studying the nature and amount of U.S. post-war reconstruction aid) began for the first time to demand progress on unrelated issues as a condition to completing the aid package. Nixon and Kissinger apparently hoped that these discussions would convince the North Vietnamese that the U.S. really intended to pay the aid and that the remaining prisoners would be released before they discovered that the aid would NEVER be paid. On April 15, the talks broke down. The coffin was sealed. The remaining prisoners were not released, but were held, and are held to this day to force the payment of the promised aid. When Nixon and Kissinger failed in their attempt to deceive the North Vietnamese, the deception was turned on the American people: "There is no reason to believe any American missing remain alive in Southeast Asia". In the end, Nixon and Kissinger won the battle they thought they had to win, but they paid an awful price for their victory: they abandoned their South Vietnamese allies to a certain defeat; they abandoned their anti-communist allies in Laos; they left their Cambodian allies to suffer the wrath of a genocidal Khmer Rouge maniac; they abandoned hundreds of American servicemen and civilians in Laos and Vietnam, betrayed by the leaders they had gone to Indochina to serve. But, "PEACE WITH HONOR" was theirs! NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 7 11 November 1988 VIETNAM WAR VETERANS IN PRISON BLAME CRIMES ON UNRESOLVED STRESS By Sharon Cohen Associated Press Writer 10 November 88 JACKSON, Mich. -- Phil Reibel went to Vietnam, a gentle man in a time of war. He returned, a violent man in a time of peace. So began his odyssey from platoon to prison. Today, the Marine veteran passes his days behind gates, his nights behind bars, doing time for brutally assaulting his son. He's not sure Vietnam put him there, but he has no doubts the war turned him inside out. "Before I went to Vietnam, I never had any violent streaks," said the bearded, 41-year-old Reibel. "When I cam back, I had nothing but violent streaks. ... The day I came home and the day before I left, I was a completely different person." Reibel is among thousands of Vietnam veterans in prisons nationwide who wonder whether their time as warriors in jungles a half-world away helped turn them into criminals on the streets at home. Five years ago and long after he came home, Reibel beat his teen-age son and pushed him over a stool. The boy's head hit the TV, temporarily paralyzing him. Reibol's sentence: 6 years, 8 months to 10 years. "I had no control over myself at that time," Reibel said. "As far as guilt, shame, I'll have to suffer that forever. ... I'm doing a life sentence." Like other Vietnam veterans, Reibel's war story began in a distant land. A generation later, it's still being written - back home, in a prison cell. "They're one of the forgotten legacies of the war," said Wayne Smith, membership services director of Vietnam Veterans of America and a former Army medic who served time for manslaughter. "There are those who are missing in action, and there are those who are missing in America ... the incarcerated veteran," he said. "The problem is very real. It's one we don't look at daily because of the height of the walls. Nevertheless, they're there. There's a key turned every day." These men have become prisoners of war of another sort. At the end of 1987, state prisons held 20,876 veterans who served in Southeast Asia in the Vietnam era, Justice Department records show. Another survey, taken in 1979, found 12,957 inmates in such prisons. Federal prison officials have no such breakdown. Thousands more Vietnam vets have previously served time or are on probation or parole, experts say. And a recent survey found 470,000 vets, one in seven, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, a psychological condition sometimes marked by flashbacks and nightmares that has been cited in criminal defenses. That condition was linked to two vets who have been executed. One argued that flashbacks drove him to kill a rookie policeman. The second man, who killed two people in a robbery, dug foxholes beneath his house and locked himself in his room after he returned from the war. Some experts suspect a higher proportion of Vietnam veterans NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 8 11 November 1988 ended up in prison than those who served in other wars, although no statistics support that. The reasons they give for the perceived higher incidence of imprisonment: the nature of the war -- no clear enemy lines -- and lack of decompression time. "Vietnam combat veterans were guerilla fighters and (moved) from the theater of war to their home porch often in less than 36 hours," said John Wilson, a Cleveland State University psychology professor and expert on post-traumatic stress. "It's almost like a deep sea diver coming up too quickly and getting the bends," explained Charles Figley, Purdue University professor of family therapy and psychology. Many still thought like warriors. "A lot of the men were walking around with jungle-trained survival instincts," Wilson said. "They were prepared to react to stress incidents as they did in Vietnam." One Michigan inmate, Jim Armstrong, explains: "You go over there, and you kill as many of them as you can before they kill you. The whole time in your training ... it was ... kill, kill, kill. What you don't kill, burn down. So when you come home, it's, `No, man, don't kill no more. Go back and build Chevrolets.' How can you do that?" Some experts also point out that many young Vietnam soldiers were poor, with few job skills. When they returned, "they had two strikes against them," said Michael Boivin, psychology professor at Spring Arbor College in Michigan. "A lot of these guys were at risk anyway," he said. "I don't blame Vietnam" for the criminal acts committed. But for some, "Vietnam pushed them over the edge." At times, vets say, the war even worked against them in court -- prosecutors portrayed them as Rambos, trained killers, adept with guns. The road from combat soldier to convict is a concern to scholars and veterans groups, who are conducting studies, testifying before lawmakers about effects of post-war stress and working to establish halfway houses and a clearinghouse to track these so-called "forgotten warriors." Vets-turned-inmates do support each other. Of 373 Vietnam Veterans of America chapters, 24 are in prisons, with 3,000 members. More are being organized. A Missouri chapter unites inmates with vets who work at the prison, including the warden, who served five tours in Vietnam. Here in Jackson, two prisons have nearly 200 members in three chapters. They are grouped by security level. In one group, inmates at the State Prison of Southern Michigan, the world's largest walled prison, speak of a society they say has victimized them twice -- first branding them murderers and now stigmatizing them as convicts. "The media and the American people ... (felt) a Vietnam veteran ... was either a baby killer or a walking time bomb," said inmate Armstrong. "When he lost control once ... they said, `OK, let's put this time bomb in prison where if he explodes, all he can hurt is other criminals.' NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 9 11 November 1988 "There's no thought about, well, did the war have anything to do with it? Should we offer this guy an alternative? Should we put him in therapy? Should we try to readjust him to society that he didn't get readjusted to from coming from Vietnam?' No, let's just lock him up. "We ain't no criminals," added Armstrong, who shot his wife in the jaw during a fight. "We just made a mistake. ... We as a group try to figure out how did we end up doing what we did, how did it happen? Everybody else in (prison) is trying to figure out ... `How did I get caught?'" In some ways, imprisoned Vietnam vets do differ from other inmates -- they tend to be more cooperative, more reclusive, less involved with gangs, said Wilson, the Cleveland State professor. While some are hardened convicts, he said, others have no criminal mentality, but their post-war lives have unraveled. Wilson said there's a direct link between post-traumatic stress and drunken driving, disorderly conduct, assault and weapons charges. Reibel, who was found guilty but mentally ill of child torture, said his anger simmered for years. Records show he had a history of assaulting his son before his arrest. "I thought about (Vietnam) everyday for 10 years and was afraid to say anything," he said. Some also say the public's intense anti-war feelings made their return all the more traumatic. "everybody that came back from World War II was a war hero," Armstrong said. "When I come home, (I thought) `Man, I'm a war hero.' (But) you're one of the Four Horsemen. You're death riding on a horse." Most Vietnam vets readjusted well, but Armstrong and others got into bar fights, drank heavily, drove recklessly. Some called it their death wish. Others say Vietnam destroyed their priorities. "Things that were important before I left weren't important anymore -- friends, family, success," said George Fisher, who robbed a shoe store to support a drug habit he picked up in Vietnam. The notion of right and wrong blurred, too. "When you grow up and they teach you ... don't hit a girl... when you get over there ... what if this little 16-year-old kid happens to be a girl and firing that Mauser at you?" asked inmate Ken Everhart, convicted of criminal sexual conduct against his wife, from who he was separated. "People look and say, `You're ... sick, pathetic,'" said Everhart, who's been married five times. "I say, `You beat me down. You've got me down. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm 41 ... years old. I've been fighting Vietnam for 21 years now. Vietnam destroyed my value system." ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page10 11 November 1988 DAV Publication Helps Vietnam Veterans And Others Understand CONTINUING READJUSTMENT PROBLEMS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS by Jim Goodwin, Psy.D. The Etiology of Combat-Related Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders Published by DISABLED AMERICAN VETERANS National Headquarters P O Box 14301 Cincinnati, OH 45214 >> INTRODUCTION << Most Vietnam veterans have adjusted well to life back in the United States, following their wartime experiences. That's a tribute to these veterans who faced a difficult homecoming to say the least. However, a very large number of veterans haven't made it all the way home from the war in Southeast Asia. By conservative estimates, at least half a million Vietnam veterans still lead lives plagued by serious, war-related readjustment problems. Such problems crop up in a number of ways, varying from veteran to veteran. Flashbacks to combat... feelings of alienation or anger... depression, loneliness and an inability to get close to others... sometimes drug or alcohol problems... perhaps even suicidal feelings. The litany goes on. In its efforts to help these veterans, the 700,000-member Disabled American Veterans (DAV) funded the FORGOTTEN WARRIOR PROJECT research on Vietnam veterans by John P. Wilson, Ph.D. at Cleveland State University. That research resulted in formation of the DAV Vietnam Veterans Outreach Program to provide counseling to these veterans in 1978. With 70 outreach offices across the United States, this DAV program served as a model for the Veterans Administration (VA) Operation Outreach program for Vietnam era veterans, which was established approximately a year later. Clinically, the readjustment problems these veterans suffer were designated as Post Traumatic Stress Disorders in the American Psychiatric Association's DIAGNOSTIC & STATISTICAL MANUAL III (DSM III). Counseling psychologists working with Vietnam veterans in the DAV and VA outreach programs emphasize that these disorders are not mental illnesses. Rather, they are delayed reactions to the stress these veterans--particularly combat veterans--underwent during the war in Southeast Asia. The nature of post-traumatic stress disorders among Vietnam veterans is described in this paper by Jim Goodwin, Psy.D. Himself a Marine Corps veteran of Vietnam combat, Dr. Goodwin worked as a volunteer counselor in the DAV Vietnam Veterans Outreach Program while doing graduate work at the University of Denver's School of Professional Psychology. Following these studies, Dr. Goodwin rejoined the Armed Forces and is now a captain on active duty with the U.S. Army. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 11 11 November 1988 The material presented here is a condensation of Dr. Goodwin's chapter in POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDERS OF THE VIETNAM VETERAN: OBSERVATIONS AND RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TREATMENT OF THE VETERAN AND HIS FAMILY. Edited by Tom Williams, Psy.D., this book was published by the nonprofit Disabled American Veterans as a guide to counseling professionals who are working with or interested in the problems of Vietnam veterans. Due to limited quantities,the complete book has been made available chiefly to psychiatrists, psychologists and other mental health counseling professionals. It is hoped that Dr. Goodwin's paper will provide all of the information on post-traumatic stress disorders needed by veterans, their families, and the general public. A final note: Gerald R. Ford, when he was President of our country, asked the American public to put Vietnam behind them and forget it. I can think of no Presidential injunction that has been more effective. As a Vietnam War veteran, myself, I believe it's both healthful and necessary to put the bitterness and dissension of the war years behind us. But to forget the Vietnam War, its troubled veterans, and their families would be unforgivable. Sherman E. Roodzant National Commander Disabled American Veterans >> RECOLLECTIONS << What price must the heart pay to live and love? Say you long hot days ahead without a kind word--days when fear will tear your insides apart - but one must go for duty calls... so very far away. My heart is numb, my brain reels--yet no tears. Another friend is laid to rest. God rest his soul this brave man. Keep him safe for we'll meet again--at another time, in another place. Hot sun, endless hours grant me some respite from loneliness. Sharp rattle, orange streaks across the black sky--a sensation of torn steel, woven with hot flesh and blood beside me. God! God whatever God you be, speed my soul on its way but not in endless eternity. Thoughts of home come to me--don't let me go; please no--I'm afraid! A cold refreshing wind penetrates my bones--what a strange place this be. I hear familiar voices that have long passed from existence--I see faces--faces of friends long since dead. I realize now what has happened and where I am, yet I am happy with those whose names are carved in stone amidst the grass of a place called Arlington. Please don't weep for me for I no longer worry about what tomorrow brings... for me it brings a much needed rest... a rest forever. by: George L. Skypeck Captain, U.S.A. 12/71 NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 12 11 November 1988 THE ETIOLOGY OF COMBAT-RELATED POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS-DISORDERS BY: Jim Goodwin, Psy.D. "My marriage is falling apart. We just don't talk any more. Hell, I guess we've never really talked about anything, ever. I spend most of my time at home alone in the basement. She's upstairs and I'm downstairs. Sure we'll talk about the groceries and who will get gas for the car, but that's about it. She's tried to tell me she cares for me, but I get real uncomfortable talking about things like that, and I get up and leave. Sometimes I get real angry over the smallest thing. I used to hit her when this would happen, but lately I just punch out a hole in the wall, or leave and go for a long drive. Sometimes I spend more time on the road just driving aimlessly than I do at home. "I really don't have any friends and I'm pretty particular about who I want as a friend. The world is pretty much dog eat dog, and no one seems to care much for anyone else. As far as I'm concerned, I'm really not a part of this messed up society. What I'd really like to do is have a home in the mountains, somewhere far away from everyone. Sometimes I get so angry with the way things are being run. I think about placing a few blocks of C-4 (military explosive) under some of the sons-of-bitches. A couple of times a year, I get into fights at bars. I usually pick the biggest guy. I don't know why. I usually get creamed. There are times when I drive real crazily, screaming and yelling at other drivers. "I usually feel depressed. I've felt this way for years. There have been times I've been so depressed that I won't even leave the basement. I'll usually start drinking pretty heavily around these times. I've also thought about committing suicide when I've been depressed. I've got an old .38 that I snuck back from Nam. A couple of times I've sat with it loaded, once I even had the barrel in my mouth and the hammer pulled back. I couldn't do it. I see Smitty back in Nam with his brains smeared all over the bunker. Hell, I fought too hard then to make it back to the World (U.S.): I can't waste it now. How come I survived and he didn't? There has to be some reason. "Sometimes, my head starts to replay some of my experiences in Nam. Regardless of what I'd like to think about, it comes creeping in. It's so hard to push back out again. It's old friends, their faces, the ambush, the screams, their faces (tears)... You know, every time I hear a chopper (helicopter) or see a clear unobstructed green treeline, a chill goes down my back; I remember. When I go hiking now, I avoid green areas. I usually stay above timber line. When I walk down the street, I get real uncomfortable with people behind me that I can't see. When I sit, I always try to find a chair with something big and solid directly behind me. I feel most comfortable in the corner of a room, with walls on both sides of me. Loud noises irritate me and sudden movement or noise will make me jump. "Night is hardest for me. I go to sleep long after my wife has NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 13 11 November 1988 gone to bed. It seems like hours before I finally drop off. I think of so many of my Nam experiences at night. Sometimes my wife awakens me with a wild look in her eye. I'm all sweaty and tense. Sometimes I grab for her neck before I realize where I am. Sometimes I remember the dream; sometimes it's Nam, other times it's just people after me, and I can't run anymore. "I don't know, this has been going on for so long; it seems to be getting gradually worse. My wife is talking about leaving. I guess it's no big deal. But I'm lonely. I really don't have anyone else. Why am I the only one like this? What the hell is wrong with me?" The above description of one Vietnam veteran's problematic lifestyle, more than ten years after the war in Southeast Asia, is unfortunately not an unusual phenomenon. >> THE EVOLUTION OF POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER << It was not until World War I that specific clinical syndromes came to be associated with combat duty. In prior wars, it was assumed that such casualties were merely manifestations of poor discipline and cowardice. However, with the protracted artillery barrages commonplace during "The Great War," the concept evolved that the high air pressure of the exploding shells caused actual physiological damage, precipitating the numerous symptoms that were subsequently labeled "shell shock." By the end of the war, further evolution accounted for the syndrome being labeled a "war neurosis" (Glass, 1969). During the early years of World War II, psychiatric casualties had increased some 300 percent when compared with World War I, even though the preinduction psychiatric rejection rate was three to four times higher than World War I (Figley, 1978a). At one point in the war, the number of men being discharged from the service for psychiatric reasons exceeded the total number of men being newly drafted (Tiffany and Allerton, 1967). During the Korean War, the approach to combat stress became even more pragmatic. Due to the work of Albert Glass (1945), individual breakdowns in combat effectiveness were dealt with in a very situational manner. Clinicians provided immediate onsite treatment to affected individuals, always with the expectation that the combatant would return to duty as soon as possible. The results were gratifying. During World War II, 23 percent of the evacuations were for psychiatric reasons. But in Korea, psychiatric evacuations dropped to only six percent (Bourne, 1970). It finally became clear that the situational stresses of the combatant were the primary factors leading to psychological casualty. Surprisingly, with American involvement in the Vietnam War, psychological battlefield casualties evolved in a new direction. What was expected from past war experiences -- and what was prepared for -- did not materialize. Battlefield psychological breakdown was at an all-time low, 12 per one thousand (Bourne, NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 14 11 November 1988 1970). It was decided that use of preventative measured learned in Korea and some added situational manipulation which will be discussed later had solved the age-old problem of psychological breakdown in combat. As the war continued for a number of years, some interesting additional trends were noted. Although the behavior of some combatants in Vietnam undermined fighting efficiency, the symptoms presented rare but very well documented phenomenon of World War II began to be reobserved. After the end of World War II, some men suffering from acute combat reaction, as well as some of their peers with no such symptoms at war's end, began to complain of common symptoms. These included intense anxiety, battle dreams, depression, explosive aggressive behavior and problems with interpersonal relationships, to name a few. These were found in a five-year follow-up (Futterman and Pumpian-Mindlin, 1951) and in a 20-year follow-up (Archibald and Tuddenham, 1965). A similar trend was once more observed in Vietnam veterans as the war wore on. Both those who experienced acute combat reaction and many who did not began to complain of the above symptoms long after their combatant role had ceased. What was so unusual was the large numbers of veterans being affected after Vietnam. The pattern of neuropsychiatric disorder for combatants of World War II and Korea was quite different than for Vietnam. For both World War II and the Korean War, the incidence of neuropsychiatric disorder among combatants increased as the intensity of the wars increased. As these wars wore down, there was a corresponding decrease in these disorders until the incidence closely resembled the particular prewar periods. The prolonged or delayed symptoms noticed during the postwar periods were noted to be somewhat obscure and few in numbers; therefore, no great significance was attached to them. However, the Vietnam experience proved different. As the war in Vietnam progressed in intensity, there was no corresponding increase in neuropsychiatric casualties among combatants. It was not until the early 1970s, when the war was winding down, that neuropsychiatric disorders began to increase. With the end of direct American troop involvement in Vietnam in 1973, the number of veterans presenting neuropsychiatric disorders began to increase tremendously (President's Commission on Mental Health 1978). ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 15 11 November 1988 During the same period in the 1970s, many other people were experiencing varying traumatic episodes other than combat. There were large numbers of plane crashes, natural disasters, fires, acts of terrorism on civilian populations and other catastrophic events. The picture presented to many mental health professionals working with victims of these events, helping them adjust after traumatic experiences, was quite similar to the phenomenon of the troubled Vietnam veteran. The symptoms were almost identical. Finally, after much research (Figley, 1978a) by various veterans' task forces and recommendations by those involved in treatment of civilian post-trauma clients, the DSM III (1980) was published with a new category: post-traumatic stress disorder, acute, chronic and/or delayed. >> HOW THE VIETNAM EXPERIENCE DIFFERED FROM PREVIOUS WARS AND SUBSEQUENTLY PREDISPOSED THE COMBATANT TO THE POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER: DELAYED AND/OR CHRONIC TYPE << When direct American troop involvement in Vietnam became a reality, military planners looked to previous war experiences to help alleviate the problem of psychological disorder in combat. By then it was an understood fact that those combatants with the most combat exposure suffered the highest incidence of breakdown. In Korea this knowledge resulted in use, to some extent, of a "point system." After accumulating so many points, an individual was rotated home, regardless of the progress of the war. This was further refined in Vietnam, the outcome being the DEROS (date of expected return from overseas) system. Every individual serving in Vietnam, except general officers, knew before leaving the United States when he or she was scheduled to return. The tour lasted 12 months for everyone except the Marines who, known for their one-upmanship, did a 13-month tour. DEROS promised the combatant a way out of the war other than as a physical or psychological casualty (Kormos, 1978). The advantages were clear: there would not be an endless period of protracted combat with the prospect of becoming a psycho- logical casualty as the only hope for return to the United States without wounds. Rather, if a combatant could just hold together for the 12 or 13 months, he would be rotated to the United States; and, once home, he would leave the war far behind. The disadvantages to DEROS were not as clear, and some time elapsed before they were noticed. DEROS was a very personal thing; each individual was rotated on his own with his own specific date. This meant that tours in Vietnam were solitary, individual episodes. It was rare, after the first few years of the war, that whole units were sent to the war zone simultaneously. Bourne said it best: "The war becomes a highly individualized and encapsulated event for each man. His war begins the day he arrives in the country, and ends the day he leaves" (p. 12, 1970). Bourne further states, "He feels no continuity with those who precede or follow him: He even feels apart from those who are with him but rotating on a different schedule" (p. 42, 1970). Because of this very individual aspect of the war, unit morale, NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 16 11 November 1988 unit cohesion and unit identification suffered tremendously (Kormos, 1978). Many studies from past wars (Grinker and Spiegel, 1945) point to the concept of how unit integrity acts as a buffer for the individual against the overwhelming stresses of combat. Many of the veterans of World War II spent weeks or months with their units returning on ships from all over the world. During the long trip home, these men had the closeness and emotional support of one another to rework the especially traumatic episodes they had experienced together. The epitaph for the Vietnam veteran, however, was a solitary plane ride home with complete strangers and a head full of grief, conflict, confusion and joy. For every Vietnam combatant, the DEROS date became a fantasy that on a specific day all problems would cease as he flew swiftly back to the United States. The combatants believed that neither they as individuals nor the United States as a society had changed in their absence. Hundreds of thousands of men lived this fantasy from day to day. The universal popularity of short-timer calendars is evidence of this. A short-timer was a GI who was finishing his tour overseas. The calendars in- tricately marked off the days remaining of his overseas tour in all manner of designs with 365 spaces to fill in to complete the final design and mark that final day. The GIs overtly displayed these calendars to one another. Those with the shortest time left in the country were praised by others and would lead their peers on a fantasy excursion of how wonderful and carefree life would be as soon as they returned home. For many, this became an almost daily ritual. For those who may have been struggling with a psychological breakdown due to the stresses of combat, the DEROS fantasy served as a major prophylactic to actual overt symptoms of acute combat reaction. For these veterans, it was a hard-fought struggle to hold on until their time came due. The vast majority of veterans did hold on as evidenced by the low neuropsychiatric casualty rates during the war (The President's Commission on Mental Health, 1978). Rates of acute combat reaction or acute post-traumatic stress disorder were significantly lowered relative to the two previous wars. As a result, many combatants, who in previous wars might have become psychological statistics, held on somewhat tenuously until the end of their tours in Vietnam. The struggle for most was an uphill battle. Those motivators that keep the combatant fighting -- unit ESPIRIT DE CORPS, small group solidarity and an ideological belief that this was the good fight (Moskos, 1975) -- were not present in Vietnam. Unit ESPIRIT was effectively slashed by the DEROS system. Complete strangers, often GIs who were strangers even to a specific unit's specialty, were transferred into units whenever in- dividual rotations were completed. Veterans who had finally reached a level of proficiency had also reached their DEROS date and were rotated. Green troops or "fucking new guys" with almost no experience in combat were thrown into their places. These FNGs were essentially avoided by the unit, at least until after a few months of experience; "short timers" did not want NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 17 11 November 1988 to get themselves killed by relying on inexperienced replacements. Needless to say, the unit culture or ESPIRIT was often lost in the lack of communication with the endless leavings and arrivals. There were other unique aspects of group dynamics in Vietnam. Seasoned troops would stick together, often forming very close small groups for short periods, a normal combat experience noted in previous wars (Grinker and Spiegel, 1945). Some groups formed along racial lines due to lack of unit cohesion within combat outfits. As a seasoned veteran got down to his last two months in Vietnam, he was struck by a strange malady known as the "short timer's syndrome." He would be withdrawn from the field and, if logistically possible, would be settled into a comparatively safe setting for the rest of his tour. His buddies would be left behind in the field without his skills, and he would be left with mixed feelings of joy and guilt. Interestingly, it was rare that a veteran ever wrote to his buddies still in Vietnam once he returned home (Howard, 1975). It has been an even rarer experience for two or more to get together following the war. This is a strong contrast to the endless reunions of World War II veterans. Feelings of guilt about leaving one's buddies to whatever unknown fate in Vietnam apparently proved so strong that many veterans were often too frightened to attempt to find out what happened to those left behind. Another factor unique to the Vietnam War was that the ideological basis for the war was very difficult to grasp. In World War II, the United States was very clearly threatened by a uniformed and easily recognizable foe. In Vietnam, it was quite the opposite. It appeared that the whole country was hostile to American forces. The enemy was rarely uniformed, and American troops were often forced to kill women and children combatants. There were no real lines of demarcation, and just about any area was subject to attack. Most American forces had been trained to fight in conventional warfare, in which other human beings are confronted and a block of land is either acquired or lost in the fray. However, in Vietnam, surprise firing devices such as booby traps accounted for a large number of casualties with the human foe rarely sighted. A block of land might be secured but not held. A unit would pull out to another conflict in the vicinity; and, if it wished to return to the same block of land, it would once again have to fight to take that land. It was an endless war with rarely seen foes and no ground gains, just a constant flow of troops in and out of the country. The only observable outcome was an interminable production of maimed, crippled bodies and countless corpses. Some were so disfigured it was hard to tell if they were Vietnamese or American, but they were all dead. The rage that such conditions generated was widespread among American troops. It manifested itself in violence and mistrust toward the Vietnamese (DeFazio, 1978), toward the authorities, and toward the society that sent these men to Vietnam and then would not support them. Rather than a war with a just ideological basis, Vietnam became a private war of survival for every American individual involved. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 18 11 November 1988 What was especially problematic was that this was America's first teenage war (Williams, 1979). The age of the average combatant was close to 20 (Wilson, 1979). According to Wilson (1978), this period for most adolescents involves a psychosocial moratorium (Erickson, 1968), during which the individual takes some time to establish a more stable and enduring personality structure and sense of self. Unfortunately for the adolescents who fought the war, the role of combatant versus survivor, as well as the many ambiguous and conflicting values associated with these roles, let to a clear disruption of this moratorium and to the many subsequent problems that followed for the young veterans. Many men, who had either used drugs to deal with the overwhelming stresses of combat or developed other behavioral symptoms of similar stress-related etiology, were not recognized as struggling with acute combat reaction or post-traumatic stress disorder, acute subtype. Rather, their immediate behavior had proven to be problematic to the military, and they were offered an immediate resolution in the form of admin- istrative discharges, often with diagnoses of character disorders (Kormos, 1978). The administrative discharge proved to be another method to temporarily repress any further overt symptoms. It provided yet another means of ending the stress without becoming an actual physical or psychological casualty. It, therefore, served to lower the actual incidence of psychological breakdown, as did the DEROS. Eventually, this widely used practice came to be questioned, and it was recognized that it had been used as a convenient way to eliminate many individuals who had major psychological problems dating from their combat service (Kormos, 1978). When the veteran finally returned home, his fantasy about his DEROS date was replaced by a rather harsh reality. As pre- viously stated, World War II vets took weeks, sometimes months, to return home with their buddies. Vietnam vets returned home alone. Many made the transition from rice paddy to Southern California in less than 36 hours. The civilian population of the World War II era had been treated to movies about the struggles of readjustment for veterans (i.e. The Man In The Grey Flannel Suit, The Best Years of Our Lives, Pride of The Marines) to prepare them to help the veteran (DeFazio, 1978). The civilian population of the Vietnam era was treated to the horrors of the war on the six o'clock news. They were tired and numb to the whole experience. Some were even fighting mad, and many veterans came home to witness this fact. Some World War II veterans came home to victory parades. Vietnam veterans returned in defeat and witnessed antiwar marches and protests. For World War II veterans, resort hotels were taken over and made into redistribution stations to which veterans could bring their wives and devote two weeks to the initial homecoming (Boros, 1973). For Vietnam veterans, there were screaming anti- war crowds and locked military bases where they were processed back into civilian life in two or three days. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 19 11 November 1988 Those veterans who were struggling to make it back home finally did. However, they had drastically changed, and their world would never seem the same. Their fantasies were just that: fantasy. What they had experienced in Vietnam and on their return to their homes in the United States would leave an indelible mark that many may never erase. ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 20 11 November 1988 >> THE CATALYSTS OF POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDERS FOR VIETNAM COMBAT VETERANS << More than 8.5 million individuals served in the U.S. Armed Forces during the Vietnam era, 1964-1973. Approximately 2.8 million served in Southeast Asia. Of the latter number, almost one million saw active combat or were exposed to hostile, life- threatening situations (President's Commission on Mental Health, 1978). It is this writer's opinion that the vast majority of Vietnam era veterans have had a much more problematic re- adjustment to civilian life than did their World War II and Korean War counterparts. This was due to the issues already discussed in this chapter, as well as to the state of the economy and the inadequacy of the GI Bill in the early 1970s. In addition, the combat veterans of Vietnam, many of whom im- mediately tried to become assimilated back into the peacetime culture, discovered that their outlook and feelings about their relationships and future life experiences had changed immensely. According to the fantasy, all was to be well again when they returned from Vietnam. The reality for many was quite different. A number of studies point out that those veterans subjected to more extensive combat show more problematic symptoms during the period of readjustment (Wilson, 1978; Strayer & Ellenhorn, 1975; Kormos, 1978; Shatan, 1978; Figley, 1978b). The usual pattern has been that of a combat veteran in Vietnam who held on until his DEROS date. He was largely asymptomatic at the point of his rotation back to the U.S. for the reasons previously discussed; on his return home, the joy of surviving continued to suppress any problematic symptoms. However, after a year or more, the veteran would begin to notice some changes in his outlook (Shatan, 1978). But, because there was a time limit of one year after which the Veterans Administration would not recognize neuro psychiatric problems as service-connected, the veteran was unable to get service-connected disability compensation. Treat- ment from the VA was very difficult to obtain. The veteran began to feel depressed, mistrustful, cynical and restless. He experienced problems with sleep and with his temper. Strangely, he became somewhat obsessed with his combat experiences in Viet- nam. He would also begin to question why he survived when others did not. For approximately 500,000 veterans (Wilson, 1978) of the combat in Southeast Asia, this problematic outlook has become a chronic lifestyle affecting not only the veterans but countless millions of persons who are in contact with these veterans. The symptoms described below are experienced by all Vietnam combat veterans to varying degrees. However, for some with the most extensive combat histories and other variables which have yet to be enum- erated, Vietnam-related problems have persisted in disrupting all areas of life experience. According to Wilson (1978), the number of veterans experiencing these symptoms will climb until 1985, based on his belief of Erickson's psychosocial develop- mental stages and how far along in these stages most combat veterans will be by 1985. Furthermore, without any inter- vention, what was once a reaction to a traumatic episode may for many become an almost unchangeable personality characteristic. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 21 11 November 1988 >> DEPRESSION << The vast majority of the Vietnam combat veterans I have inter- viewed are depressed. Many have been continually depressed since their experiences in Vietnam. They have the classic symptoms (DSM III, 1980) of sleep disturbance, psychomotor retardation, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty in concen- trating, etc. Many of these veterans have weapons in their possession, and they are no strangers to death. In treatment, it is especially important to find out if the veteran keeps a weapon in close proximity, because the possibility of suicide is always present. When recalling various combat episodes during an interview, the veteran with a post-traumatic stress disorder almost invariably cries. He usually has had one or more episodes in which one of his buddies was killed. When asked how he handled these death when in Vietnam, he will often answer, "in the shortest amount of time possible" (Howard, 1975). Due to circumstances of war, extended grieving on the battlefield is very unproductive and could become a liability. Hence, grief was handled as quickly as possible, allowing little or no time for the grieving process. Many men reported feeling numb when this happened. When asked how they are now dealing with the deaths of their buddies in Vietnam, they invariable answer that they are not. They feel depressed; "How can I tell my wife, she'd never un- derstand?" they ask. "How can anyone who hasn't been there understand?" (Howard, 1975). Accompanying the depression is a very well developed sense of helplessness about one's condition. Vietnam-style combat held no final resolution of conflict for anyone. Regardless of how one might respond,t he overall outcome seemed to be just an endless production of casualties with no perceivable goals attained. Regardless of how well one worked, sweated, bled and even died, the outcome was the same. Our GIs gained no ground; they were constantly rocketed or mortared. They found little support from their "friends and neighbors" back home, the people in whose name so many were drafted into military service. They felt helpless. They returned to the United States, trying to put together some positive resolution of this episode in their lives, but the atmosphere at home was hopeless. They were still helpless. Why even bother anymore? Many veterans report becoming extremely isolated when they are especially depressed. Substance abuse is often exaggerated during depressive periods. Self medication was an easily learned coping response in Vietnam; alcohol appears to be the drug of choice. >> ISOLATION << Combat veterans have few friends. Many veterans who witnessed traumatic experiences complain of feeling like old men in young men's bodies. They feel isolated and distant from their peers. The veterans feel that most of their non-veteran peers would rather not hear what the combat experience was like; therefore, they feel rejected. Much of what many of these veterans had NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 22 11 November 1988 done during the war would seem like horrible crimes to their civilian peers. But, in the reality faced by Vietnam combat- ants, such actions were frequently the only means of survival. Many veterans find it difficult to forget the lack of positive support they received from the American public during the war. This was especially brought home to them on the return from the combat zone to the United States. Many were met by screaming crowds and the media calling them "depraved fiends" and "psycho- pathic killers" (DeFazio, 1978). Many personally confronted hostility from friends and family, as well as strangers. After their return home, some veterans found that the only defense was to search for a safe place. These veterans found themselves crisscrossing the continent, always searching for that place where they might feel accepted. Many veterans cling to the hope that they can move away from their problems. It is not unusual to interview a veteran who, either alone or with his family, has effectively isolated himself from others by repeatedly moving from one geographical location to another. The stress on his family is immense. The fantasy of living the life of a hermit plays a central role in many veterans' daydreams. Many admit to extended periods of isolation in the mountains, on the road, or just behind a closed door in the city. Some veterans have actually taken a weapon and attempted to live off the land. It is not rare to find a combat veteran who has not had a social contact with a woman for years -- other than with a prostitute, which is an accepted mil- itary procedure in the combat setting. If the veteran does marry, his wife will often complain about the isolation he im- poses on the marital situation. The veteran will often stay in the house and avoid any interactions with others. He also re- sents any interactions that his spouse may initiate. Many times, the wife is the source of financial stability. >> RAGE << The veterans' rage is frightening to them and to others around them. For no apparent reason, many will strike out at whomever is near. Frequently, this includes their wives and children. Some of these veterans can be quite violent. This behavior generally frightens the veterans, apparently leading many to question their sanity; they are horrified at their behavior. However, regardless of their afterthoughts, the rage reactions occur with frightening frequency. Often veterans will recount episodes in which they became inebriated and had fantasies that they were surrounded or confronted by enemy Vietnamese. This can prove to be an especially frightening situation when others confront the veteran forcibly. For many combat veterans, it is once again a life-and-death struggle, a fight for survival. Some veterans have been able to sublimate their rage, breaking inanimate ob- jects or putting fists through walls. Many of them display bruises and cuts on their hands. Often, when these veterans feel the rage emerging, they will immediately leave the scene before somebody or something gets hurt; subsequently, they drive about aimlessly. Quite often, their behavior behind the NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 23 11 November 1988 wheel reflects their mood. A number of veterans have described to me the verbal catharsis they've achieved in explosions of ex- pletives directed at any other drivers who may wrong them. There are many reasons for the rage. Military training equated rage with masculine identity in the performance of military duty (Eisenhart, 1975). Whether one was in combat or not, the mili- tary experience stirred up more resentment and rage than most had ever felt (Egendorf, 1975). Finally, when combat in Vietnam was experienced, the combatants were often left with wild, vio- lent impulses and no one upon whom to level them. The nature of guerrilla warfare -- with its use of such tactics as booby trap land mines and surprise ambushes with the enemy's quick retreat -- left the combatants feeling like time bombs; the veterans wanted to fight back, but their antagonists had long since disappeared. Often they unleashed their rage at indiscriminate targets for want of more suitable targets (Shatan, 1978). On return from Vietnam, the rage that had been tapped in combat was displaced against those in authority. It was directed against those the veterans felt were responsible for getting them involved in the war in the first place -- and against those who would not support the veterans while they were in Vietnam or when they returned home (Howard, 1975). Fantasies of retal- iation against political leaders, the military services, the Veterans Administration and antiwar protesters were present in the minds of many of these Vietnam combat veterans. These fantasies are still alive and generalized to many in the present era. Along with the rage at authority figures from the Vietnam era, these veterans today often feel a generalized mistrust of anyone in authority and the "system" in the present era. Many combat veterans with stress disorders have a long history of constantly changing their jobs. It is not unusual to interview a veteran who has had 30 to 40 jobs during the past 10 years. One veteran I interview had nearly 80 jobs in a 10-year span. The rationale quite often given by the veterans is that they became bored or the work was beneath them. However, after I made some extended searched into their work backgrounds, it became apparent that they felt deep mistrust for their employers and coworkers; they felt used and exploited; at times, such was the case. Many have had some uncomfortable confrontations with their employers and job peers, and many have been fired or have resigned on their own. >> AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS: ALIENATION << The spouses of many of the veterans I have interviewed complain that the men are cold, uncaring individuals. Indeed the vet- erans themselves will recount episodes in which they did not feel anything when they witnessed the death of a buddy in combat or the more recent death of a close family relative. They are often somewhat troubled by these responses to tragedy; but, on the whole, they would rather deal with tragedy in their own de- tached way. What becomes especially problematic for these vet- erans, however, is an inability to experience the joys of life. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 24 11 November 1988 They often describe themselves as being emotionally dead (Shatan, 1973). The evolution of this emotional deadness began for Vietnam veterans when they first entered military boot camp (Shatan, 1973). There they learned that the Vietnamese were not to be labeled as people but as "gooks, dinks, slopes, zipperheads and slants." When the veterans finally arrived in the battle zone, it was much easier to kill a "gook" or "dink" than another human being. This dehumanization gradually generalized to the whole Vietnam experience. The American combatants themselves became "grunts," the Viet Cong became "Victor Charlie," and both groups were either "KIA" (killed in action) or "WIA" (wounded in action). Often, many "slopes" would get "zapped" (killed) by a "Cobra" (gunship), and the "grunts" would retreat by "Shithook" (evacuation by a Chinook helicopter); the jungle would be sown by "Puff the Magic Dragon" (a C-47 gunship with rapid-firing mini-gattling guns). The pseudonyms served to blunt the anguish and the horror of the reality of combat (DeFazio, 1978). In conjunction with this al- most surreal aspect of the fighting, psychic numbing furthered the coping and survival ability of the combatants by effectively knocking the aspect of feelings out of their cognitive abilities (Lifton, 1976). This defense mechanism of survivors of trau- matic experiences dulls an individual's awareness of the death and destruction about him. It is a dynamic survival mechanism, helping one to pass through a period of trauma without becoming caught up in its tendrils. Psychic numbing only becomes non- productive when the period of trauma is passed, and the indiv- idual is still numb to the affect around him. Many veterans find it extremely uncomfortable to feel love and compassion for others. To do this, they would have to thaw their numb reactions to the death and horror that surrounded them in Vietnam. Some veterans I've interview actually believe that if they once again allow themselves to feel, they may never stop crying or may completely lose control of themselves; what they mean by this is unknown to them. Therefore, many of these veterans go through life with an impaired capacity to love and care for others. they have no feeling of direction or purpose in life. They are not sure why they even exist. >> SURVIVAL GUILT << When others have died and some have not, the survivors often ask, "How is it that I survived when others more worthy than I did not?" (Lifton, 1973). Survival guilt is an especially guilt-invoking symptom. It is not based on anything hypo- thetical. Rather, it is based on the harshest of realities, the actual death of comrades and the struggle of the survivor to live. Often the survivor has had to compromise himself or the life of someone else in order to live. The guilt that such an act invokes or guilt over simply surviving may eventually end in self-destructive behavior by the survivor. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 25 11 November 1988 Many veterans, who have survived when comrades were lost in sur- prise ambushes, protracted battles or even normal battlefield attrition, exhibit self-destructive behavior. It is common for them to recount the combat death of someone they held in esteem; and, invariably, the questions comes up, "Why wasn't it me?" It is not unusual for these men to set themselves up for hopeless physical fights with insurmountable odds. "I don't know why, but I always pick the biggest guy," said the veteran in the tra- nscript at the beginning of this chapter. Shatan (1973) notes that some of these men become involved in repeated single-car accidents. This writer interviewed one surviving veteran, whose company suffered over 80% casualties in one ambush. The veteran had had three single-car accidents during the previous week, two the day before he came in for the interview. He was wondering if he were trying to kill himself. I have also found that those veterans who suffer the most painful survival guilt are primarily those who served as corpsmen or medics. These unfortunate veterans were trained for a few months to render first aid on the actual field of battle. The services they individually performed were heroic. With a bare amount of medical knowledge and large amounts of courage and determination, they saved countless lives. However, many of the men they tried to save died. Many of these casualties were beyond all medical help, yet many corpsmen and medics suffer extremely painful memories to this day, blaming their "incom- petence" for these deaths. Listening to these veterans describe their anguish and torment... seeing the heroin tracks up and down their arms or the bones that have been broken in numerous barroom fights... is, in itself, a very painful experience. Another less destructive trend that I have noticed exists among a small number of Vietnam combat veterans who have become com- pulsive blood donors. One very isolated and alienated indiv- idual I interviewed actually drives some 80 miles round-trip once every other month to make his donation. His military history reveals that he was one of 13 men out of a 60-man platoon who survived the battle of Hue. He was the only sur- vivor who was not wounded. this veteran and similar vets talk openly about their guilt, and they find some relief today in giving their blood that others may live. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 26 11 November 1988 >> ANXIETY REACTIONS << Many Vietnam veterans describe themselves as very vigilant human beings; their autonomic senses are tuned to anything out of the ordinary. A loud discharge will cause many of them to start. A few will actually take such evasive action as falling to their knees or to the ground. Many veterans become very uncomfortable when people walk closely behind them. One veteran described his discomfort when people drive directly behind him. He would pull off the road, letting others pass, when they got within a few car lengths of him. Some veterans are uncomfortable when standing out in the open. Many are uneasy when sitting with others behind them, often opting to sit up against something solid, such as a wall. The bigger the object is, the better. Many combat veterans are most comfortable when sitting in the corner in a room, where they can see everyone about them. Needless to say, all of these behaviors are learned survival techniques. If a veteran feels continuously threatened, it is difficult for him to give such behavior up. A large number of veterans possess weapons. This also is a learned survival technique. Many still sleep with weapons in easy reach. The uneasy feeling of being caught asleep is apparently very difficult to master once having left the combat zone. >> SLEEP DISTURBANCE AND NIGHTMARES << Few veterans struggling with post-traumatic stress disorders find the hours immediately before sleep very comfortable. In fact, many will stay awake as long as possible. They will often have a drink or smoke some cannabis to dull any uncomfortable cognition that may enter during this vulnerable time period. Many report that they have nothing to occupy their minds at the end of the day's activities, and their thoughts wander. For many of them, it is a trip back to the battle zone. Very often they will watch TV late into the mornings. Finally, with sleep, many veterans report having dreams about being shot at or being pursued and left with an empty weapon, unable to run anymore. Recurrent dreams of specific traumatic episodes are frequently reported. It is not unusual for a veteran to reexperience, night after night, the death of a close friend or a death that he caused as a combatant. Dreams of everyday, common experiences in Vietnam are also frequently reported. For many, just the fear that they might actually be back in Vietnam is very disquieting. Some veterans report being unable to remember their specific dreams, yet they feel dread about them. Wives and partners report that the men sleep fitfully, and some call out in agitation. A very few actually grab their partners and attempt to do them harm before they have fully awakened. Finally, maintaining sleep has proven to be a problem for many of these veterans. They report waking up often during the night for no apparent reason. Many rise quite early in the morning, still feeling very tired. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 27 11 November 1988 >> INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS << Traumatic memories of the battlefield and other less affect-laden combat experiences often play a role in the daytime cognitions of combat veterans. Frequently, these veterans re- port replaying especially problematic combat experiences over and over again. Many search for possible alternative outcomes to what actually happened in Vietnam. Many castigate themselves for what they might have done to change the situation, suffering subsequent guilt feelings today because they were unable to do so in combat. The vast majority report that these thoughts are very uncomfortable, yet they are unable to put them to rest. Many of the obsessive episodes are triggered by common, everyday experiences that remind the veteran of the war zone: helicopters flying overhead, the smell of urine (corpses have no muscle tone, and the bladder evacuates at the moment of death), the smell of diesel fuel (the commodes and latrines contained diesel fuel and were burned when filled with human excrement), green tree lines (these were searched for any irregularity which often meant the presence of enemy movement), the sound of popcorn popping (the sound is very close to that of small arms gunfire in the distance), any loud discharge, a rainy day (it rains for months during the monsoons in Vietnam) and finally the sight of Vietnamese refugees. A few combat veterans find the memories invoked by some of these and other stimuli so uncomfortable that they will actually go out of their way to avoid them. When exposed to one of the above or similar stimuli, a very small number of combat veterans undergo a short period of time in a dissociative-like state in which they actually reexperience past events in Vietnam. These flashbacks can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours. One veteran described an episode to me in which he had seen some armed men and felt he was back in Vietnam. The armed men were police officers. Not having a weapon to protect himself and others, he grabbed a passerby and forcefully sheltered this person in his home to protect him from what he felt were the "gooks." He was medicated and hospitalized for a week. Such experiences among Vietnam veterans are rare, but not as un- common as many may believe. Many veterans report flashback epi- sodes that last only a few seconds. For many, the sound of a helicopter flying overhead is a cue to forget reality for a few seconds and remember Vietnam, reexperiencing feelings they had there. It is especially troublesome for those veterans who are still "numb" and specifically attempting to avoid these feelings. For others, it is just a constant reminder of their time in Vietnam, something they will never forget. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 28 11 November 1988 >> REFERRALS FOR HELP << As already discussed, post-traumatic stress disorders result in widely varying degrees of impairment. When a single veteran (whether bachelor or divorced) with the disorder requests help, I refer him to a group of other combat veterans. The reasons are twofold. First, the veteran is usually quite isolated and has lost many of his social skills. He has few contacts with other human beings. The group provides a microcosm in which he can again learn how to interact with other people. It also helps remove the fear, prevalent among these veterans, that each individual veteran is the only individual with these symptoms. In addition, many of the veterans form close support groups of their own outside the therapy sessions; they telephone each other and help each other through particularly problematic episodes. Second, the most basic rationale for group treatment of these veterans is that it finally provides the veteran with that "long boat ride home" with other veterans who have had similar experiences. It provides a forum in which veterans troubled by their combat experiences can work their feelings through with other veterans who have had similar conflicts. In addition, the present symptoms of the disorder are all quite similar, and there is more reinforcement in working through these symptoms with one's peers than in doing it alone. The group situation is appropriate for most degrees of the symptoms presented. The especially isolated individuals will often be quite frightened of the initial group session. When challenged by questioning the strength that brought them to the initial interview, however, they will usually respond by following through with the group. Those with severely homicidal or suicidal symptoms are best handled in a more crisis-oriented, one-to-one setting until the crisis is resolved. I refer these veterans to an appropriate emergency team, with the expectation directly shared with the veteran that he will join the group as soon as the crisis has abated. Veterans who are presently married or living with a partner pre- sent a somewhat different picture. Their relationships with their partners are almost invariable problematic. Frequently, a violent, explosive episode at home created the crisis that brought the veteran in for counseling in the first place. When such is the case or there is a history of battering of the par- tner, it is extremely important to refer the veteran and his partner to a family disturbance counseling center. The conse- quences of this continued behavior are obvious. In addition, a referral for the veteran to a group with other combat veterans is appropriate. The partner of the veteran may find some under- standing of her plight and additional support from a woman's group created specifically for partners of Vietnam combat veterans. Other veterans who are married or living with a partner may not be experiencing so serious a problem. However, the partners are often detached from one another; they just seem to live under NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 29 11 November 1988 the same roof, period. Referral of the veteran to a combat vet- erans group and referral of the partner to a partners of Vietnam veterans group is important. Some veterans and their partners will jointly attend the screening session. Both are troubled by what has been happening and often want to enter marital therapy together immediately. In my experience, the veteran finds it extremely difficult in the beginning of therapy to deal with interactional aspects with his partner when other past interactions with traumatic overtones overshadow the present. When these traumatic experiences do surface, the partner is often unable to relate. Therefore, it is much more beneficial, in my opinion, to allow the veteran time with other combat veterans in a group. In the meantime, suggest a woman's support group for partners of Vietnam veterans for the spouse. Here she would receive additional support as well as an understanding of post-traumatic stress disorders. Sometime thereafter, marital therapy, couples group therapy or family therapy may be appropriate. Many veterans with post-traumatic stress disorders, in addition to the symptoms already described, also have significant prob- lems due to multiple substance abuse. In my experience, those veterans who have habitually medicated themselves have com- pounded the problem. Not only do they experience many of the symptoms already described, but the additional symptoms of chronic multiple substance abuse and alcoholism may mask the underlying reasons for self-medication as well. Therefore, these chronic syndromes, which perpetuate themselves through addictive behavior, must be dealt with first. Then a more ac- curate picture of the underlying problem will result, and an appropriate referral can be made. Except for some help with an immediate crisis upon being first interviewed during the screening session, the combat veteran struggling with the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic and/or delayed, benefits most from group interaction with his combat peers. Throughout this paper I have emphasized the individual, solitary aspect of the war for each veteran. The aftermath of the war has followed in kind. Now, with the help from the DAV Vietnam Veterans Outreach Program and the VA's Operation Outreach (Vet Center) program, models have been esta- blished for reintegrating troubled Vietnam veterans with them- selves and their society. Helping the community to recognize the problem and directing the veteran to the specialized services of the community have given the veteran struggling with this disorder a means of "coming home." >> REFERENCES << Anderson, R.S. (Ed.). NEUROPSYCHIATRY IN WORLD WAR II, Volume I. Washington, D.C. Office of the Surgeon General, 1966 Archibald, H.E. & Tuddenham, R.D. Persistent stress reaction after combat: A twenty-year follow-up. ARCHIVES OF GENERAL PSYCHIATRY, 1965, 12: 475-481 Boros, J.F. Reentry: III. Facilitating healthy readjustment in NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 30 11 November 1988 Vietnam veterans. PSYCHIATRY, 1973, 36(4):428-439 Bourne, P.G. MEN, STRESS AND VIETNAM. Boston: Little, Brown, 1970 Dancey, T.E. Treatment in the absence of pensioning for psychoneurotic veterans. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRY, 1950, 107:347-349 DeFazio, V.J. Dynamic perspectives on the nature and effects of combat stress. In C.R. Figley (Ed.), STRESS DISORDERS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS: THEORY, RESEARCH AND TREATMENT> New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1978. DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL, Edition I. Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1952. DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL, Edition II. Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1968. DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL, Edition III. Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 1980. Dividend from Vietnam, TIME, Oct. 10, 1969, pp. 60-61 Egendorf, A. Vietnam veteran rap groups and themes of postwar life. In D.M. Mantell & Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975,31(4): 111-124 Eisenhart, R.W. You can't hack it little girl: A discussion of the covert psychological agenda of modern combat training. In D.M. Mantell & Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975,31(4):13-23 Erikson, E. IDENTITY, YOUTH AND CRISIS. New York: W.W. Norton, 1968 Figley, C.R. Introduction. In C.R. Figley (Ed.), STRESS DISORDERS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS: THEORY, RESEARCH AND TREATMENT. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1978(a). Figley, C.R. Psychosocial adjustment among Vietnam veterans: An overview of the research. In C.R. Figley (Ed.), STRESS DISORDERS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS: THEORY, RESEARCH AND TREATMENT. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1978(b). Futterman, S. & Pumpian-Mindlin, E. Traumatic war neuroses five years later. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRY, 1951, 108(6): 401-408. Glass, A.J. Psychotherapy in the combat zone. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRY, 1954, 110:725-731 Glass, A.J. Introduction. In P.G. Bourne (Ed.), THE PSYCHOLOGY AND PHYSIOLOGY OF STRESS. New York: Academic Press, 1969, xiv- xxx. Grinker, R.R. & Spiegel, J.P. MEN UNDER STRESS. Philadelphia: Blakiston, 1945 Horowitz, M.J. & Solomon, G.F. A prediction of delayed stress response syndromes in Vietnam Veterans. In D.M. Mantell & Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975,31(4):67-80. Howard, S. The Vietnam warrior: His experience and implications for psychotherapy. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHOTHERAPY, 1976,30(1):121-135. Jones, F.D. & Johnson, A.W. Medical psychiatric treatment policy and practice in Vietnam. In D.M. Mantell & M. Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975, 31(4):49-65. Kormos, H.R. The nature of combat stress. In C.R. Figley (Ed.), STRESS DISORDERS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS: THEORY, TREATMENT AND RESEARCH. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1978. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 31 11 November 1988 Lifton, R.J. HOME FROM THE WAR. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1973. Lifton, R.J. THE LIFE OF THE SELF. New York:Simon & Schuster, 1976. Moskos, C.C. The American combat soldier in Vietnam. In D.M. Mantell & Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975, 31(4): 25-37. PRESIDENT'S COMMISSION ON MENTAL HEALTH. Report of the special working group: Mental health problems of Vietnam era veterans. Washington: Feb. 15, 1978. Seligman, M.E.P. & Maier, S.F. Failure to escape traumatic shock. JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY, 1967, 74: 1-9. Shatan, C.F. The grief of soldiers: Vietnam combat veterans' self-help movement. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF ORTHOPSYCHIATRY, 1973, 43(4): 640-653. Shatan, C.F. Stress disorders among Vietnam veterans: The emotional content of combat continues. In C.R. Figley (Ed.), STRESS DISORDERS AMONG VIETNAM VETERANS: THEORY, RESEARCH AND TREATMENT. New York: Brunner/Mazel, 1978. Strayer, R. & Ellenhorn, L. Vietnam veterans: A study exploring adjustment patterns and attitudes. In D.M. Mantell & M. Pilisuk (Eds.), JOURNAL OF SOCIAL ISSUES: SOLDIERS IN AND AFTER VIETNAM, 1975, 31(4):81-93. Tiffany, W.J. & Allerton, W.S. Army psychiatry in the mid-60s. AMERICAN JOURNAL OF PSYCHIATRY, 1967, 123: 810-821. Williams, T. VIETNAM VETERANS. Unpublished paper presented at the University of Denver, School of Professional Psychology, Denver, Colorado: April, 1979. Wilson, J.P. Identity, ideology and crisis: The Vietnam veteran in transition. Part I. Identity, ideology and crisis: The Vietnam veteran in transition. Part II. Psychosocial attributes of the veteran beyond identity: Patterns of adjustment and future implications. FORGOTTEN WARRIOR PROJECT, Cleveland State University, 1978. (Reprinted by the Disabled American Veterans, Cincinnati, Ohio, 1979. Now out of print. Dr. Wilson's findings are updated and summarized in C.R. Figley's STRANGERS AT HOME. See following reference.) Wilson, J.P. Conflict, stress and growth: the effects of the Vietnam War on psychosocial development among Vietnam veterans. In C.R. Figley & S. Leventman (Eds.), STRANGERS AT HOME: VIETNAM VETERANS SINCE THE WAR, Praeger Press, 1980. ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 32 11 November 1988 ================================================================= MEMORIES ================================================================= ANATOMY OF A WARRIOR Printed without permission but with honorable intentions Written originally by Carole J. Lund 11-10-82 I hide secrets deep within me Of horrors I have seen I reflect the suffering I've witnessed And the deaths that shouldn't have been I sometimes burn with passion Or sparkle full of warmth and fun Or turn cold hard and full of hate As the barrel of a gun The pain I have is great indeed Yet I cannot shed a tear The terror I try to keep concealed Shows itself when I most fear I cannot be withheld from Revealing truths amidst the lies For I'm the window of his soul I'm the Vietnam Veteran's eyes. I am gifted and creative I have talents few have known I show love and understanding Though I have none of my own I function without Question Through good times and white hot rage I comfort and I terrify I clasp, then disengage I shake with anger and with tantrums And hang limp through resignation I've carried weapons through the jungles I've taken lives in other lands I've given comfort to a dying friend I'm the Vietnam Veteran's hands. Birds sing outside the window Cars pass along the lane But these sounds are drowned by echoes Of a useless war's refrain Rain falling down through waxen leaves A scared monkey's screaming song Men tramping through an alien world Where none of them belong NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 33 11 November 1988 Machine guns fire from up ahead Men falling in the mud The moaning of a soldier child Who lies dying in his blood Jet engine's hum - returning home But still the war's so near The sounds will ever echo through me I'm the Vietnam Veteran's ears. I am tortured and tormented My pain is too severe For me to function as I once did Now I'm paralyzed with fear I'm haunted by the memory of My friend whose blood was spilled I cannot help but wonder why My heartbeat wasn't stilled I wish sometimes I could have been One of the boys who fell I pray to Godless Heavens For my release from Hell I'd like to climb down deep inside To be deaf and dumb and blind I came back mortally wounded I'm the Vietnam Veteran's mind. I know much pain I don't deserve Have pressures I don't need Have fears that were not there before I feel I should be freed I want to run away somewhere Where negativity can't find me To sprout wings and soar so high above That no earthly force can bind me I find now that I doubt myself Where before no doubt existed I succumb to forces I can't see Things that used to be resisted I know the pain, I've met the fear Which seems to dominate my life But it seems I have no power now I'm the Vietnam Veteran's Wife. (c) Copyright 1982 (All rights reserved) Carole J. Lund ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 34 11 November 1988 Why Isn't Billy's Up There? by Mike Dealey You talk about strength, I show you strength. Strength in the form of one Billy Brown. Your war and mine lasted what; one tour, two, three at the outside? Billy's been fighting to survive everyday of his life for the last 21-years. Our 12-months was an eternity...Billy's been thru 250 months of pure hell. Funny how we met. I stopped in the deli at the supermarket to get a cup of coffee while I tried to remember what I had been sent to the store for--the ol' brain is going, I tell you. This fellow came rolling up in his wheelchair to another booth with a couple of corny dogs and a cup of joe. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention till I saw he was having trouble opening one of those little packets of mustard. His hands just couldn't do it and he was trying with his teeth. I walked over to give him an assist and just on a hunch said, "You in Nam?" I brought my coffee over and we had a pretty long chat. Turns out he was a Gyrene at Disneyland in '67. He was out in an LP when the gooks (his term, not mine) tried to breach the wire. They were surrounded and calling in mortars almost on their own position when one of the only ChiCom grenades in history that ever detonated spewed a stream of shrapnel up his spine, shattering it from top to bottom. Totally paralyzed from the waist down. Arms only slightly better. Wears a steel back brace to keep his torso from folding up like a piece of cardboard. Speech is heavily slurred since he has minimal control of his jaw muscles. One step away from bed-ridden. Kinda looks like a skeleton. But Billy's got a whole lot better outlook on life than I could ever have in that circumstance: you do what you gotta do...just keep on a-humping...don't mean nothing. And the Lord will take care of you in the end. Yeah, fortunately Billy found the Lord a few years ago. Only thing he lives for now. Only thing he has. Billy makes do. He's 100% disability, of course. Lives in an apartment in a retirement facility where people go to die when their life is done. Medicaid picks up part of the bill. Billy's just sorry he hasn't got more to give to the church. He spends most of his day tending to himself: shaving, dressing, eating, making his own meals--all that's close to a full-time job. Some days he just stays in bed, getting up just isn't worth the effort. The rest of the time he spends reading the bible. Doesn't own a TV. Looks forward to his once-a-week sojourne to the supermarket and his two corny dogs, just like clock work. We chatted till his little shuttle bus came. I wheeled him out, watched as they operated the hydraulic thingie to lift his chair into the bus, and shot him a salute as they were leaving. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 35 11 November 1988 Ruined my whole day. Lyndon Baines Johnson would have been rolling over in his grave if he could have read my mind at that time. Why? Why? Why couldn't that grenade have gone ahead and totalled Billy on the spot? Why does he have to suffer the rest of his entire life for mankind? Why does Billy's war have to go on and on forever and ever? Why? There's 58,000 names on The Wall. We're told there are a quarter of a million Billies out there. I know I'm gonna get a bunch of hate mail for saying this, but I sometimes think they put the wrong names on that wall. ----------------------------------------------------------------- For Those Who Fought For It... >>> FREEDOM <<< Has A Taste The Protected Will Never Know ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 36 11 November 1988 Memories of the Young Bleeder By: Lynda M. Van Devanter When I read about President Carter's call to renew registration of the draft, this is what I see: It is 3 a.m. in Pleiku, South Vietnam. The fighting in the central highlands is heavy, and I am called out of my sleep to the operating room. I have been sleeping on the floor under my cot, having been awakened an hour earlier by a rocket attack, as on most other nights. Even in my groggy state, the gruff words on the phone, "Casualties! Get down here, on the double!," are enough to send my adrenaline flowing, and I'm alert by the time I get to the OR. I change quickly to scrub cloths, and report to the head nurse for my assignment. "There's a bad one in the neuro," she says, "and I need you to pump blood in there." The neuro room is one that I don't particularly like to work in, since head wounds are usually so messy, but, even knowing that I am unprepared for the sight that awaits me. It's the largest trail of blood leading to the table that I have ever seen. I slip on it because my eyes are drawn to the gurney where several people are transferring the soldier to the operating table. I watch in horror as the lower portion of his jaw, teeth exposed, dangles from what is left of his face. It swings in the air as he is moved from the gurney to the table, and I hold my breath to keep from getting sick. For a moment I am glued to the spot. I thought I had gotten used to it but it keeps getting worse. The shout of the anesthetist brings me up sharply, and I rush to his side to assist him in a tracheotomy. "We've got to get an airway into him fast - he's drowning in blood." he yells, and my training moves me into action. I grab a tray of instruments and open it. For the sake of speed, we perform the trach without donning gloves. Once the opening into the boy's windpipe is completed, and he is being ventilated, I move to help the surgeon. He grabs instruments from the tray to clamp off the largest bleeders in the face and jaw. Meanwhile, the scrub technician is setting up the sterile field of linens and instruments, and, once the largest bleeders are tied off, the surgeon puts on his gown and gloves and they begin to work in earnest to try and repair the damage. Now I know what the head nurse meant when she told me that I was needed to pump blood. The young soldier is bleeding so fast that it is necessary to start four large needles in his leg, neck and both arms, and pump blood into all of them simultaneously. I do only this for several hours. I invent a routine. Start at the neck, take down the empty bag of blood, slip a new one into the pressure cuff, pump up the pressure in the cuff and rehang it. Then go to the left arm and repeat the process. Next the left leg, then finally the right arm. Then start back at the neck line and repeat the entire sequence. It takes about five minutes to complete the steps at NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 37 11 November 1988 each site, about twenty minutes to make a round of him. It becomes rote after a while and I lapse into thinking about the patient. During one of my circuits around the table, I move his clothes to one side, and a snapshot falls out of the pocket of his fatigues, it is of a young couple - him and his girl, I guess - dressed for a prom. Tears come to my eyes. He is gazing sweetly at the girl. Straight, blond and tall, he looks good in a tuxedo. She, too, is tall, with shining dark hair. She is wearing a long pastel gown. Love for him shining in her eyes. The scene is stark contrast to what I see in this room. The lovely young man is now a mass of blood vessels and skin, so macerated that nothing could hold them together. The more the surgeon works, the more the boy bleeds. I've always held onto the notion that, given enough time, anything can be stopped from bleeding. Just keep at it, and eventually you'll get every last vessel. I am about to learn a hard lesson. I pump 120 units of blood i to that young man. But as fast as I pump it in he pumps it out. After hours of work, the surgeon finally realizes that it is futile. He wraps the boys head in layers of pressure bandages and sends him to the post op/intensive- care unit to die. As I clean up the room, I keep telling myself that a miracle could happen. He could stop bleeding. He'll be alright. I moved about the mess, picking up blood-soaked linen and putting them into the hamper. I come across the photograph again, pick it up and stare. He had been real. He was a person who could love and think and plan and dream - and now he is lost to himself, to her and to their fu- ture. I sit on the floor, my head in my hands, and sob. After making the room ready for the next head injury - the next person - I walk over to the post-op/ICU to see him. His bandages have become saturated with blood several time over, and the nurses have reinforced it with more rolls of bandage, mostly to cover it up, so now his head is grotesquely large under the swath of white. I hold his hand for a few moments and ask him if he is in pain. He squeezes my hand weekly and I tell him I'll request some pain medication. He squeezes my hand again iin answer. I stand holding hands with him for another few moments, the last of his life. My hands shake now as I write this, as they did then, and the tears return. I think of this incident again now, and of many others like it during that year in Vietnam. I am reminded of tiny children with their arms and legs blown off. I remember a pregnant woman with a belly wound, and the delivery of her child by Caesarean section - the child who entered this life with a gunshot wound in his belly, the perfect circle of life in war. A decade later, we have even more advanced weapons of war, and my heart aches with the thought that we may decide to use them. NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 38 11 November 1988 When will we learn the lessons of past wars? When will we stop taking the seed of our lives, our children, and sending them to destruction? When will we realize that war does nothing but perpetuate war - that violence begets only violence? I ask our President and the leaders of the world community, can we not find some way of living together in peace and harmony? Can we not stop what seems to be carrying us inexorably toward another war - and possible nuclear destruction? I don't know the answer, I can only pray for peace. EDITORS NOTE: Linda M. Van Devanter, a registered nurse, was a Lieutenant in the Army, stationed at Pleiku, and Qui Nhan, South Vietnam from 1969 to 1970. She is the women's director of Vietnam Veterans of America and a published author of the best seller, "Home Before Morning"; THE story about nurses in Vietnam. ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 39 11 November 1988 Dear Dad Lindy Harris Friends BBS Omaha, Nebraska Dear Dad, It's that time of year again when we all think of you and miss you so much. Holidays of any sort should be happy, but there is one holiday that tears my heart to pieces and it isn't one of our national holidays. The Celebration of TET is one of sorrow and grief for us. I was only 6 years old when you left for Vietnam, and 10 when it dawned on me that you wouldn't be coming back, I felt so lost and abandoned. Mom took things pretty hard, and Chet and I had to sort of take over things for awhile. Mom is okay, and as I've grown up I've come to understand that it was her that had the tough time to begin with. Chet's and mine came later when we understood what death meant. We are all okay, until TET comes around and then we all go into a spin. We finally made the trip to The Wall, and seeing your name there gave me a feeling of having known you much longer than I did. I saw the other names that were there on the day you died, so I know you weren't alone. I can only pray that you did not suffer, and that you've found the peace you fought for. We wanted to leave a letter at The Wall, but all we could do was do was cry. What's The Wall, you ask? It's the most beautiful and yet the saddest monument that has ever existed. The war in Vietnam was so dark and tragic, and the monument, nay,the Memorial which every NamVet calls "The Wall," is also dark and tragic. It's a black slash in the earth made of black marble that carries the names of all the men and women Killed In Action. When we walked, stopped, cried and cried and went on to the next panel, there were more tears. A man walked up to us and asked if there was a name on the wall that belonged to us. We told him yes, and when he found out you were a Marine and the outfit you were with, he asked us to wait about an hour while he looked up a buddy that might have known you. His buddy arrived and although he couldn't remember you specifically, he told us what it was like and how we had WON the Tet Offensive! Each of us have mourned your death in our own way and it took awhile to get our lives to settle down to a modest roar at all the injustices that went on during the years of the Vietnam War era. Things are looking up for all of us now, and I'd like to tell you about everything that's happened to us, but I'll try to be brief, at least this time. Chet? Well, I think you would be very proud of your son. He graduated last year form M.I.T., and will be joining the Marines as soon as he has his bills paid. (He owes Mom a NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 40 11 November 1988 bundle!) I don't think it will take too long. Mom says he has one of your questionable traits of character, he is either going full bore for something or other he wants badly, almost a workaholic, and won't quit until it's perfect, or he sits on his duff "thinking". I don't have time to sit for very long, but I wish a bit of the drive he inherited from you had rubbed off on me. Mom remarried last April, and Don is a fine man. Mom is happy and he treats all of us wonderfully. And he is one heck of a fisherman, which I thought you might like to know. Me? It's a difficult thing to try and tell you what's going on in my life. I met, fell in love with a man that was sort of like what I remembered about you, and married him. I kept comparing him with what little I remembered about you, and what Chet and mom told me over the years, and it's pointless to say he wasn't a bit like you. When we both discovered what the problem was, we ended a miserable marriage. We have been friendly most of the time, and share equal custody of our two beautiful children. How I would love to have you see them, even though I can't quite see you as a grandfather. You were my dad, and I still have my childs vision of you. Our kids know a lot about you, since we drag out all the movies, photos and tapes you sent to us from Vietnam, plus the movies the whole family were in while you were with us. We do that at least once a year when we manage to get the whole Corps in the same city and house. We've all been watching Tour of Duty, which is a television program that is trying to tell us what it was like in Vietnam, and though it's a dramatization, most of the NamVets I've talked to says it comes close. It's a great deal different than the war we saw on the nightly news on television. It's frightening to get a glimpse of what happened over there to you and your buddies. We have tried to understand what happened to us as a Nation during the 60's and 70's, but I think you would like to know that America has finally got it's act together and is recognizing that the War in Vietnam that took you and thousands of others from us, is finally over and that the healing is taking place. I'm back in school again, after putting my dreams on hold while I tried and failed to be mother, wife and wage earner. Making ends meet isn't the easiest thing to do, but I'm in the upper 10% of my class and I'll be getting my degree and graduate in June. Mom and Don help with the children, and it's amazing how things have fallen into place at last. All of us have futures, and tend not to dwell in the past quite so much. I seem to be rambling a bit, but I was just sitting here thinking of the things I have wished you could have seen me do over the years. First date, turning 16, being an absolute flop in a high school play, buying my first car with my own money, getting married, having my babies, oh how I wished you were NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 41 11 November 1988 here for all the celebrations of life. I've wanted to say all these things before, but didn't know where to send them until I found the International Vietnam Veterans Echo. If the Echo is loud enough, I'm sure you will hear me. Love, Your daughter, Lindy. P.S. Mom used to let me put S.W.A.K. on the backs of all the letters she sent. Do you think I could do that here too? I thought so. >>> * S W A K * <<<<< ----------------------------------------------------------------- NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 42 11 November 1988 Family Ties By G. Joseph Peck VETLink #1 Pittsfield, MA 321/203 (413-443-6313) Gently, so as not to make too much noise, she approaches the black granite that rises, behemoth-like, from the grassy Washington Mall. She feels better coming alone and at night. On her left, appearing as if it would speak at any moment, is the Lincoln Memorial; light seeming to come from nowhere makes it as though a beacon in the darkness. To her right, towering high, is the Washington Monument. She can hear the precise steps of the military honor guard as it performs its vigilant duty at The Wall. A National Park Service attendant, small light shining on the Directory of Names, stands somber watch. "Wilbee Simmons, Sir? Could you tell me where I'd find his name listed?" The Park Attendant directs her to the west panels. Slowly, fearfully, yet mustering every bit of her strength, Teri looks carefully for the name of her husband. There's something about the way the Washington lights reflect from The Wall that remind her of the song Wilbee dedicated to her way back when they were only in their early years of high school. Building; preparing; steeling herself for the moment that HAS to come, she quietly hums to herself their familiar tune: "Ca-atch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away... Ca-atch a.." - and then she came upon it. Hand shaking almost uncontrollably, she reaches over and begins to trace the letters... W I L . . . Eyes watering, it starts. Release. Blessed release. She hasn't cried like this since she'd received the telegram. She'd had to be strong for the kids sake. Now she can let the tears - and Wilbee - go. "Wilbee, Darling, you ARE a part of American history, a living part. Here's John's name; and Gary's; and Jim's ... all of the soldiers you wrote me about. Each of you followed your fathers and family into service - and America's defense. Your brothers and sisters who made it back took upon their shoulders the battle begun by their grandfathers after World War I helping America to always, always keep her promise to care for those who put their lives on-the-line for her. Everyone says that you and all Vietnam veterans are the toughest, most persistent and determined veterans in all American history - and they're right! It's guys like you and your friends who gave EVERYTHING, Wilbee, and those who made it back, who help continue building the America we have today, and the responsible care for America's veterans that our grandfathers fought for. I remember when they used to tell us how the veterans of World War I were put on what we today would call the welfare rolls and looked down upon - and nearly every benefit they sought was denied. The inadequate War Risk Bureau, Board of Vocational NamNews SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY ISSUE Page 43 11 November 1988 Training and Public Health Services, in addition to so much more insensitivity, denial, and corruption of the Federal Government, made them march on Washington. I know you saw your brothers and sisters do a similar thing when they all came here to sharply prod the conscience of America and this monument was dedicated. I can tell you're part of the same family - only you're tougher. I brought the poem you wrote when you went to 'Nam, Wilbee. I remember how much it meant to you. I've saved it all these years - and I'll leave it here for you when I go. I've got it memorized. It's Easter now, a time of new beginnings, a time to get on with living my life in a way that would make you proud of me, a time to take the best that you've given - and go forward. I'm glad I got the chance to come here - to visit, to remember, to use those "Falling Stars" you and I put in our pockets years ago; many rainy days I've used them. Somehow, I have a little more strength now to help me through my life. Thank you, Wilbee Simmons. Remember I'll always love you and the sacrifices you made for me and everybody." Stepping back from the polished granite, Teri softly places a card from her and the two children, a flag, some flowers, and the often-read 12-line poem on the ground in front of Wilbee Simmons name: "America" This is my country! So beautiful and Free! A Land of Freedom for you and me! Where men have fought and men have died So that we may LIVE and share their pride; That this Country of ours, so great and strong, May unite again and sing a together song! Let us be brothers and join together To make our Nation - just a little better May we learn to forgive and forget our hates And never close our shining gates ... May Liberty's torch light the world around And in ALL the nations - may Freedom's echo resound! Teri turned, began to walk away. A bright flash in the western sky quickly caught her eye. A falling star - streaking, as though an arrow, over the Lincoln Memorial. And she remembered the words Lincoln once said: "To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his childr