Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 . __ . . -*- N A M V E T -*- ____/ \_ . . ( * \ . . Managing Editor \ Quangtri . . ---------------- \_/\ \_ Hue . . G. Joseph Peck \_Ashau Phu Bai . . \_* \_ . . Editorial Assistant \ * ) . . ------------------- _/ Danang . . Pete Farias ( \_*Chu Lai . . \_ ------- \__ . . Distribution Manager \_ I Corps \ . . -------------------- \ ------- ! . . Jerry Hindle /\_____ ! . . / ! \ . . Section Editors ! !___ \ . . --------------- ! \/\____! . . AGENT ORANGE: Martin H. Kroll, Sr. ! ! . . IN-TOUCH: Ray "Frenchy" Moreau / Dak To ! . . INCARCERATED VETS: Joyce Flory / * / . . HOMELESSNESS: Lefty Frizzell ! \_ . . FEDERAL BENEFITS: Jim Hildwine ! Phu Cat\ . . GUEST CHAPLAIN: Michael Harris \ * * ) . . \ Pleiku ) . . -**- N A M V E T -**- \ \ . . / / . . "In the jungles of 'Nam, some of us ( -------- ! . . were scared and wary, but we pulled _\ II Corps ! . . one another along and were able / -------- \ . . to depend on each other. That has \ \ . . never changed. Today, free of the ! * / . . criticisms and misunderstandings _/ Nhatrang / . . many veterans have endured, _/ / . . NAM VET is a shining beacon, __/ ! . . a ray of hope, and a _ __/ \ ! . . reminder that the _____( )/ ! Camranh Bay . . lessons learned / !__ ! . . at such a high / \ / . . price shall not \ Bien Hoa \ / . . be forgotten - ! Chu Chi * \ __/ . . nor the errors \_ * --------- \ ___/ . . repeated!!!" ____ \ III Corps \ _/ . . / \_____) )_(_ --------- !__/ Duplication in . . ! ( ___/ any form permitted . . _____! \__ * ___/ for NONCOMMERCIAL . . ! Saigon/ purposes ONLY! . . \___ -------- / \/ . . \ IV Corps / For other use, contact: . . ) -------- / . . / ! G. Joseph Peck (413) 442-1660 . . / ____/ Managing Editor . . / Mekong/ . . ! Delta/ This newsletter is comprised of articles . . ! ____/ and items from individuals and other . . ! / sources. We are not responsible for the . . ! / content of this information nor are any of . . ! __/ NAM VETs contributors or Section Editors. . . \_/ gjp . . . Third Annual NamVet Page i Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 =================================================================== T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S 1. Happy Birthday NamVet!!! Happy Birthday NamVet!!! .................................. 1 2. Seared into permanent memory!!! Yahrzeit '88 .............................................. 2 Khe Sanh Remembered ....................................... 5 From YOUR Tour of Duty? ................................... 6 Homecoming III ............................................ 9 The Silent Warrior ........................................ 10 For these women, the battle continues ..................... 11 3. Editorials to remember Clouds, Rainbows... and Prisms ............................ 13 Break out the Clearasil ! ............................. 16 Veterans, speak out and be heard! ......................... 17 Silence and Empty Cells? .................................. 19 Life Goes On... ........................................... 20 4. The NamVet Chapel A Pastoral Response to the Troubled Vietnam Veteran ....... 22 The Electronic Chapel ..................................... 45 5. In a country far away... The Saudi Connection ...................................... 46 Purpose ................................................... 47 They haven't forgutten US!!! .............................. 48 MIA/POW Postage Stamp? .................................... 49 Fragile as a Flower ....................................... 50 6. Rememberin' Ol' Glory Deliverance ............................................... 52 How does burning a flag make things better? ............... 54 7. Puttin' it all together "In Touch" Unites Families, Friends and Strangers ......... 56 In-Touch: What is it??? ................................... 59 IN-TOUCH Registration/Request Form!!! ..................... 62 Service Organizations & BBS's ............................. 64 8. Don't Abandon 'em The Forgotten Warriors .................................... 70 Thanks, brothers and sisters! ............................. 73 A visit or note once in awhile? ........................... 76 Vietnam Desiderata ........................................ 77 Quotes from "The Wall" of Incarceration ................... 79 9. Hearts n' Minds Vet Feels A Monument's Embrace ............................ 82 War ....................................................... 86 10. Index of NamVet Articles Index to Articles in NamVet ............................... 87 Some Gave All... .......................................... 102 Third Annual NamVet Page ii Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 =================================================================== H a p p y B i r t h d a y N a m V e t ! ! ! =================================================================== HH HH AAA PPPPPP PPPPPP YY YY HH HH AA AA PP PP PP PP YY YY HH HH AA AA PP PP PP PP YY YY HH HH AA AA PP PP PP PP YY YY HHHHHHHH AAAAAAA PPPPPP PPPPPP YYYYYY HH HH AA AA PP PP YY NH HH AA AA PP PP YY HH HH AA AA PP PP YY Todd Looney * G. Joseph Peck * Jerry Hindle * Ray Moreau * Doc BBBBB IIII RRRRRR TTTTTTTT HH HH DDDDDDD AAA YY YY BB BB II RR RR TT HH HH DD DD AA AA YY YY BB BB II RR R TT HH HH DD DD AA AA YY YY BB BB II RR RR TT HH HH DD DD AA AA YY YY BBBBBB II RRRRR TT HHHHHHH DD DD AAAAAAA YYYYY BB BB II RR RR TT HH HH DD DD AA AA YY BB BB II RR RR TT HH HH DD DD AA AA YY BBBBBB IIII RR RR TT HH HH DDDDDDD AA AA YY Mike Dealey * Chuck Sterling * Don Griffith * Joan Renne * Bac Si NN NN AAAA MM MM VV VV EEEEEEE TTTTTTTT NNN NN AA AA MMM MMM VV VV EE TT NN N NN AA AA MM M M MM VV VV EE TT NN N NN AA AA MM M MM VV VV EE TT NN N NN AAAAAAAA MM MM VV VV EEEEE TT NN N NN AA AA MM MM VV VV EE TT NN NNN AA AA MM MM V V EE TT NN NN AA AA MM MM VVV EEEEEEE TT The International Newsletter for Vietnam Veterans ` ` ` ___________|_|_|_____________ : Putting unity : :=============================: : In our Veteran CommUNITY! : :_____________________________: Joy Hanson * Jim Hildwine * Pete Farias * Lefty Frizzell Craig Roberts * Glenn Toothman * Rick Stolz * Ralph Roberts Rev. Ed Brant * Mike Harris * Laura Palmer * Alex Humphrey Claude Witherspoon * Woody Carmack * Aaron Schmeidel * Bob Davis Rod Germain * Dottie Cruz * Mark Burfeind * Ed Howdershelt Jan Gerstner * Glen Kepler * Terry Hayes * Bob Richards Karen Winnett * Scott Summers * Mike Dacus * Joe Meadors >>>>>>> and all the rest of us!!! <<<<<<< Our *-THIRD-* Year " Service with Pride! " Third Annual NamVet Page 1 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 =================================================================== S e a r e d i n t o p e r m a n e n t m e m o r y ! ! ! =================================================================== Yahrzeit '88 Submitted Anonymously My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk, Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk: - John Keats "Ode to a Nightingale" She put them up in a brass and stained oak frame. Against the white satin background they didn't appear so ominous, and didn't supply a hint as to the way in which they are awarded. A pretty color, like that on the robes of royalty; pure and deep with majestic allusion. On a weekly basis, she polished the frame, keeping the brass as bright as a ray of morning sunlight. The glass was so spotless that it was possible to see quite clearly ones own reflection. She picked a conspicuous spot for them, and fastened them to the wall in the hallway. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. But I didn't look at them. I didn't want to see the morbid days and endless nights that caused their arrival. I didn't want to face the face that won these prizes through violent means. But she kept polishing the brass and glass, commenting "They are precious metals" to those who asked about them. And they hung there on the wall, passed each time a step was taken in the hall. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. Each week she would clean them, and the evening sun would cast a reflected light ray to the end of the hall. Each week she would polish them with a tenderness as if they were children to be held. She never said a word about them, but it was easy to tell she was extremely curious about their origins. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. Any appeal to remove them was met with stern disapproval. She wanted something to remind her of what had happened, even if she didn't know exactly what that was. She never pried, but held me gently on the nights I would wake up soaked in sweat and tears. She never complained, and never wanted out; instead she would shed tears for my fears, and cry for my sorrows. And every week, she would clean and polish them, until like a beacon they shone. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. The sleepless nights faded into the past, the weeks melted into months, and the months passed into years. And each week she would polish them, not voicing a bit of curiosity. She understood the pain, because it was evident in her eyes each morning after a dream of return had come. Her soft touch and Third Annual NamVet Page 2 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 wavering voice exposed the silent melancholy her heart felt and she tried so hard to hide. And each week, she returned to them, polishing them brightly. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. The tenderness, style and beauty was taken from her in an instant she never realized. I never had a chance to explain to her the prize was one of immense sorrow. She would polish them as if they were the most important thing in our existence. She held them as tenderly as she had held me on the occasions that it was needed. She understood that the key to my welfare was locked in that frame of brass and oak, and the only way to release the demons was to face the face in the reflected glass. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. Her funeral was a complete shock. The realization of death I thought had died many years ago. Death was something benign, something that didn't affect me anymore. Yet here she was, the Joy, Beauty and Truth of my life, lying in grassy solitude. She was no longer there to polish the brass and oak frame, so the dust and tarnish collected, dimming the Light they reflected in the past. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. What the war couldn't accomplish, I thought pills could. G-d it's such a hard life! The pills: they can fix everything. If I take enough of them.... And like a memory hidden by time, the brass greened and the oak cracked. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. Waking up in the hospital, I was told death had been a breath away. My first reaction was anger for failing, then anger for trying, and finally settled into weeks of self imposed isolation, purging the pent up feelings in emotional self-abasement. The questions came faster than I could possibly answer, and I closed myself off even further. Ignoring all life around me. And so they hung there, waiting. Waiting. I got home with the feeling she had deserted me; leaving me in not so silent agony. The first thing I noticed was they were polished, bright as any day she had cleaned them. I asked who polished them, and everyone said they didn't know. I took them off the wall, excused myself and went into my private chambers. For the first time I was able to look at them since they were hung around my neck by the powers that warranted their action. For the first time I was able to look at the face that won them, and realize that it was a face of an ordinary man, and not a maniacal killer. I held them and finally the tears came. The tears that would begin to wash away the stench of guilt and sorrow of the years past. The tears that would finally release me from the unbearable torments of my dreams. As I moved to wipe the fallen tears from the polished glass, I looked and saw her face, as clearly as she was sitting there with me. She was Third Annual NamVet Page 3 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 smiling a smile of extreme serenity, and lipped the words "Welcome home. I love you." And just as suddenly, she was gone. I knew then who returned the lustre to them. And they no longer hung there, waiting. Waiting. I took the medals and wrapped them in a bedsheet and boxed them up. The box was taken to a family storage place, where they will be safe and cool. The brass and oak frame that she polished so persistently will be safe from corrosion and decay until I decide to take them out again. But for now, they have served their purpose. The Marines gave them to me for my conduct. My wife gave them to me for my sanity. And they no longer hang there, waiting. Waiting. 15 years ago I finished my SEA tour. 10 years ago my wife died, taking that beautiful smile and that full life with her. With this, the tenth anniversary of her death, I would like to let the world know that she was with me when all others had given up hope, and loved me when I didn't seem to love her back. So my continuing love for her I express poorly in these words: You were all of life to me. Yet when I thought that you had abandoned me in death, you still managed to pull me through life. You gave me back that burning desire for life I had lost. Even as you could support me in life, you saved me in death. I cannot offer anything other than the troth I pledged before, to reaffirm before G-d and man to love you for all eternity. # # # Semper fidelis Third Annual NamVet Page 4 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Khe Sanh Remembered by: William "Bill" Plude Written at Khe Sanh, R.V.N. Nov '68 Pittsfield, MA How can it be that one Air Force Pilot lies rotting from malnutrition and torture in a prison camp deep in North Vietnam because he refused to be turned against the Flag for which his forefathers had died While another man in New York City mutilates the same Flag that the pilot is suffering for? How can it be that one U.S. Soldier lies sightless in an Army hospital from Communist-inflicted face wounds While another man in Los Angeles uses a Communist Flag to drape himself in defiance of the ideal that the soldier is now suffering for? How can it be that one Navy doctor begins his Thirteenth hour standing over an operating table in pursuit of a life almost lost while serving our country While another man of medicine in Georgia implores crowds of young men to refuse to serve our country? How can it be that one Marine lies in a coffin beneath the ground because he believed in duty to his country - While another man lies on a cot in Berkley giving blood for the enemies of our country? How can it be that one Chaplain shields a wounded man from an enemy bayonet with his own body and is himself killed - While another man of God in Milwaukee uses his cloth as a shield to preach hate, dissension, and lawlessness? How can it be that one Black holds the remains of his white comrade in his arms and cries pitifully in a dirty mud hole in Vietnam While another Black screams with hate against his white brother in the streets of Detroit? How can it be that young men start their fourth sleepless night making a supply route to their comrades at the beseiged combat base known as Khe Sanh - While two parents discuss the deterioration of the younger generation? My God How Can It Be? Permission to duplicate, with credit, herein granted. Third Annual NamVet Page 5 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Remember from YOUR tour of Duty? Messages in VIETNAM_VETS International Echo To/From: Jim Hildwine Larry Magnello Mike Harris Lefty Frizzell From: Jim Hildwine To: All Do any of you remember any of the following during your tour with the Army: 1. Getting up at O Dark Thirty for that famous morning formation in the dark.. i.e 5:30 am... (For you older folks, they don'nt do it any more) 2. Saturday moring inspections? 3. Ye old CMMI Team? (Head Hunters!, caused many a down fall of Company Commanders as well as Motor Sgt's) 4. The crap before the annual IG.. Now called the AIG.. 5. Being paid ONCE a month, and for E-3's and below in the sixties it was less then $100.00 a month (Me was 99.37 before the deductions. 6. Your very frist day in "Basic Training"? Now who can forget that day? Remember your weapons serial number.. Try you will. 7. Remember these? There not used any more.. RA, US (god love em), ER's, and last but least NG (Where is Quale?) 8. Your very frist KP? 9. Any one out there remember your "Welcome" to the 90th Replacment Bn at Long Binh? Remember the lousy chow, got even worse when you got to you new out fit. 10. Remember being an FNG? or what FTA ment (For The Army!!!!) 11. Those famous words well spoken by your favorite NCO... Yea wanna RE-UP??? 12. Day one in Nam, with only 364 to go. What a Bummer! 13. The weather girls name on AFVN TV at night... You know the one with the mini skirt...? 14. Remember what a "Star Light Scope" was? 15. Anyone remember his buddy having a "Spider Monkey"? God they were the worst>>>>>>//. 16. Does anyone remember the famous "Morning Report"... They don't em any more. Took em 30 years to find they really did't need em. 17. When "Mess Halls" were Mess Halls, and not called Dining Facilities? 18. Speaking of Food and Mess Halls remeber the following: SOS, and corned beef, and all the eggs were cooked the same. Overdone!. 19. Remeber when you could write "Free" on you letter and send it any were in the world for nothing? 20. The feeling you had when you pulled a can of "Chopped Ham and Eggs" out of the warm up pot? (Gross) (Many of them were on M-60's to help feed the belt. 21, The taste of C-ration instant Coffee... Ugh.. make that double. 22. Going to Mail call and not getting mail? 23. Being out in the boonies just waiting and talking about going back to the land of Big Px's and round door knobs, and getting "Dear Johned"? 24. Your Very 1st Art 15? (some of us did'nt and some of us did) 25. Remember the Following: 20's were Red, Ten's were Blue, and Third Annual NamVet Page 6 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 one's were green. Ye old MPC..... the pennies, nickles, dimes etc were the real thing. 26. F&N Ginerale. Triple Ugh..... That stuff was just number 10,000. 27. The Steambath...? 28. When you found out "Slick" did'nt mean what you thought it ment. 29. The added addition to the "Body Count"? 30. Anyone remember Sgt Major of the Army "WoolRidge"... 31. Remember the famous three songs of our time in Nam. a. Leaving on a Jet Plane... You got that right. b. We gotta get out of this place... Thats for sure. c. Rain drops keep falling.... You get bet your sweet dupa on that one. 32. Getting to you new outfit, and the frist guy you meet in going home the next day, and is from your home town....! 33. The free steak dinner when you came home from Nam, and also you now had to pay taxes to Uncle sam again.? 34. Not shining your boots for one "WHOLE YEAR""""""""""""" 35. Being told when you got to Nam you had to take a drivers test? Now that is a joke.... Anyone remember those buses of theirs (RVN)? 36. Anyone remember "Silver Bullets" and the "No Sweat" Pill? 37. What "LBJ" really stood for (Long Binh Jail) Add your own to the list? Federal Benefits? Ask me!!! - Jim - From: Larry Magnello The Steel Valley BBS (1:237/500) To : Jim Hildwine Subj: Remember?:reply No.# (38) The tropical candybar that you could throw to the vietnamese and they would throw it back at you, but they would keep your empty tin cans from your sea rations... No. #(39) The FREEDOM BIRD that flew away when you landed and it dawned on you that you could not leave until you were booked on one. No.# (40) The monkeys that would jump from your head onto another head while you were smokingggg away.. No.$ (41) The first time you prayed because you were in the bush going to the bathroom squatting down and saying Oh God, please don't let me die in this position. From: Mike Harris + T.M.E. + Coos Bay, OR 503/269-1935 (1:152/18) + (8:7700/0) The NETWORK - G rated FAMILY oriented (1:129/34) To : All Subj: Jim's "Remember" list! #42 Remember the "Chicken Man" episodes? A bit of humor in a dark time. #43 Remember the Crown Royal "Tassel" being used to designate a shorttimer? #44 Remember the P-38 races? I think we got a can of peaches down to about 7 secs. Remember the callous on your thumb from opening so many cans? Third Annual NamVet Page 7 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 #45 Remember the brilliant one liners? "A Dong saved is a Dong earned!" #46 Remember the menagerie a flags on the bases, boats, tracks, etc. Oregon, California, Nebraska, Alabama, etc. Each owner a proud young man fighting for a cause. (I still have mine with shrapnel holes in it! Oregon) #47 Remember seeing your 1st "Red Snake" coming down out of darkness on the horizon. Then later seeing "Green Snakes" coming up at you from the ground? #48 Remember Camp Alpha in Saigon? Feeling like a migrant while waiting to be processed somewhere? #49 Remember NEVER "Popping a top" in Vietnam? Better wait and see it the guys after 7/69 had pop tops! Always had the opener close! #50 Remember searching for the Conex Box that you KNEW was full of beer after the club had closed? (I tried to steal on with a forklift in Dong Tam and got caught!) #51 Remember the sweat running down all parts of your body as you waited in line for your FREEDOM BIRD to take off? No air on and Remember not feeling totally at ease until you could not longer see the coast of Vietnam? What makes me think that this numerical order will get messed up? Come on guys and gals! Let's get some more on here so we can all.. REMEMBER!!! MIKE From: Lefty Frizzell The Exec Washroom "ANet<>VetNet<>Qlink<>RIME Multinet Gate" To : Mike Harris Subj: Jim's "Remember" list! In a message of Mike Harris (1:129/34) writes: MH>#48 Remember Camp Alpha in Saigon? Feeling like a migrant MH>while waiting to be processed somewhere? Remember the guy who stole your bags at Camp Alpha? And claimed that his bag had the name "FRIZZELL" on it in letters 6 inches tall? MH>#49 Remember NEVER "Popping a top" in Vietnam? Better wait MH>and see it the guys after 7/69 had pop tops! Always had the MH>opener close! Still have my church key. My daughter looks at it as if it were a civil war musket.. (Daddy, you mean they didnt even have pop tops back then??) MH>#50 Remember searching for the Conex Box that you KNEW was MH>full of beer after the club had closed? (I tried to steal on MH>with a forklift in Dong Tam and got caught!) MH>#51 Remember the sweat running down all parts of your body as MH>you waited in line for your FREEDOM BIRD to take off? No air MH>on and Remember not feeling totally at ease until you could MH>not longer see the coast of Vietnam? Lefty Third Annual NamVet Page 8 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 HOMECOMING III by G. Joseph Peck NamVet's Managing Editor VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA (413) 443-6313 Silvery waters and a big yellow moon I'll be home friend, home very soon. I have seen the wars Watched other men die . . . Held their pain-wracked bodies Their existence - GONE in a sigh. A tear, a hug, a long last look "Hold my hand... read me the Book" ... and LIFE slips away. Who did they cry for with their last look at Earth? Who will miss them - and what's it worth? What's it worth when men fight and die, Never wanting to - never really knowing why? What's it worth when the bombs fall, Not killing one - but killing all: Newborn children, sisters and brothers Happy families - fathers and mothers? ... and LIFE slips away. So loudly that you, too must hear Those battlefield cries ring in my ear: "Rivers of white. Rivers of red. How hard we fought - how freely we bled! We gave 'em all that we had We fought for the good - not for the bad; So that children could grow to be old, Never going hungry - never being cold, For Tomorrow - America - promises that are true For Love - for Freedom - and especially YOU!!!" ... and LIFE slips away. An American Soldier From one battlefield I am free. I watch ... and remember: " Eternal Vigilance . . . " . . . the PRICE of Liberty!" Third Annual NamVet Page 9 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 THE SILENT WARRIOR By: Karen A. Winnett S.I.R.E.N. IS CALLING - Sacramento, CA (916) 971-0589 The fire fights have ended and the big guns no longer roar but the Silent Warrior's fighting like he's never fought before! No point man walks before him and no man takes the rear, no comrade stands beside him though death is always near! He humps no hills or valleys and he sweats no jungle heat. He stalks no Vils or cities, yet has no road to retreat. His field pack long abandoned and his rifle gone to rust, The Silent Warrior battles, because, he has no choice, he must! It's a long range operation, the objective long and hard, to the Valley of the Shadow, where only Angels are. The Silent Warrior battles, where no soul should have to go, and no heart can ever reach him, for his battlefield's unknown! Don't look to the north or south, don't look west or east, look to home and know the truth, this is where the warrior bleeds! His campaigns rage in silence, and he battles here at home, his courage goes unnoticed and his valor, few have known! Behold the Silent Warrior, lost deep within his thoughts, his body frozen solid, never never to unlock! What enemy could do this, what hearts could be so cold, to do him such dishonor, a brother of our own! I look into unseeing eyes and I wonder where he is, and damn the souls who were taught to care, yet did a thing like this! Behold this valiant warrior, who never more shall speak, curled up in a fetal ball on antiseptic sheets! His arms and legs contracted, his body old and frail his honor stripped away and lost where love should not have failed! Look gently on this old one, who battles day and night, and let every warrior cry for him, until Valhalla's in his sights. For such are the forgotten, not dead yet not alive, doing battle on the Veterans wards beyond uncaring eyes! Behold the Silent Warrior, who's stillness screams with rage, who wars in fields of solitude, and there, til death, he stays! I have touched the Silent Warrior, and learned to know his pain, I have fed and I have bathed him, and cried when no one came! I have reached down to his anger and held his ruined hands, and I felt the battle raging, and I cursed, "God damn!" Behold the Silent Warrior, who battles until death, honor him and know his face, stand guard beside his bed. For such are the forgotten, some lost and some abused, victims of a friendly fire we never can undo. Yes, the Fire fights have ended, and the big guns no longer roar, but the Silent Warriors fighting like he never fought before! Go to him, and speak his name, and understand the truth, don't let him die behind the lines, the next warrior could be you! Third Annual NamVet Page 10 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 For these women, the battle continues By: Cal Orey Woman's World Investigates - April 17, 1990 Input by: G. Joseph Peck NAM VETs Managing Editor VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA (413) 443-6313 In the last 10 years, Lily Adams's life has been one medical crisis after another. She's suffered from skin disease, endured a life-threatening pregnancy and given birth to a son with serious intestinal problems. Maureen Nerli has also lived through medical nightmares. She speaks wistfully of the days when she was "as healthy as a horse." Now her life's a round of migraines, body rashes, dizziness and thyroid problems. Illness is Penny Burwell's constant companion too. She's been hit with bone disease, kidney stones and gynecological problems that resulted in a hysterectomy. Penny says her doctors think "I've come into contact with something that's done very bizarre things to my body." According to Lily, Maureen and Penny, Agent Orange is the cause of their problems. All three say they were exposed to the dangerous chemical when they served in Vietnam. From 1962 to 1971, 12 million gallons of Agent Orange were dumped on the tiny country. American troops sprayed it from the air and sea in an effort to strip away the enemy's jungle cover. Ironically, the chemical once used in an effort to save American lives may now be destroying them. One of the reasons Agent Orange is so dangerous is that it contains dioxin, a cancer-causing contaminant that has been linked to birth defects, infertility, miscarriage and disorders of the immune system. Because dioxin doesn't dissolve in water, Americans in Vietnam were inadvertently exposed to it in their drinking and bathing water and in the local food. Out of the more than 500 military women who have reported coming in contact with Agent Orange, 85 to 90 percent were nurses. "Many nurses told us they were stripping clothing off the dead and dying soldiers," says Paul Sutton, head of the New Jersey Agent Orange Commission. These soldiers had been out in the jungle, and their clothing was probably saturated with the deadly chemical spray. Marilyn Edgerton-Mallard was one of the Army nurses who tended these men. Today she is certain that her exposure to Agent Orange is the cause of her infertility. "I didn't think being around Agent Orange had affected me until many years later," Marilyn says. "I tried to get pregnant and couldn't." Eventually Marilyn underwent a hysterectomy, which she believes was necessary because of her exposure to the chemical. What does the government have to say about an issue that may affect thousands of women who served in Vietnam? Not much. Hard, scientific data is sketchy. The government paid the Centers for Disease Control $20 million to conduct an Agent Orange study but, like most research on this subject, it didn't include women. And, shockingly, women who served in Vietnam, in the Red Cross and USO, both civilian volunteer organizations, are being totally Third Annual NamVet Page 11 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 ignored. Maureen Nerli, who is a former USO worker, says, "Ever since I came home from Vietnam I have had one illness after another." Maureen is also distressed that although she served 18 months in Vietnam as a volunteer, her service isn't officially recognized by the government, which excludes her from VA health benefits. "The VA doesn't deal with us. They classify us as non-Vietnam veterans," she says. Therefore, USO and other civilian workers can't get compensation. (Army nurses can, but only if they are seriously disabled.) Vernon Houk, M.D., of the Environmental Health and Injury Control of the Centers for Disease Control explains, "It's possible to do a study of military women who served in Vietnam because we know who they are, but it is not possible to do a valid study of the non-military women because there is no master list." Maureen Nerli understands the frustration. "I have a friend who served in Vietnam with the Red Cross," she explained. "My friend called me a couple of months ago. She was hysterical. She said, "I'm so nervous and depressed. I can't have kids because I was sprayed with Agent Orange when I was in Vietnam. Does anybody care?" Lily Adams, 41, an Agent Orange activist from California, was an Army nurse in Vietnam. Says Lily, "We keep on saying to the government we don't want compensation - we want you to do research. The VA is saying that if it does the research and it proves there's a connection it's going to go bankrupt." The issue of compensation is thorny. In 1984, after years of litigation, a $180 million fund for Vietnam veterans was created by Agent Orange manufacturers to resolve the class-action suit filed against them. The fund excludes spouses an birth-defective children of vets - and, of course, it excludes all civilian volunteers such as Maureen. Since there's not enough money to cover all vets, disabled veterans and their dependents are angry. So is Karen Johnson, a vet who spent two years in Vietnam as an Army reporter. She's being compensated with a small monthly amount because she'd 60-percent disabled, but she is still irate over what she calls the government's "gobbledygook." She suffers from a chest ailment and is desperate to know more about Agent Orange. Will she get worse or die from long-term effects of the poison? Says Bart Stichman, attorney and litigating director for the Vietnam Veterans of America, "The VA would be compensating veterans if it believed there was a connection between Agent Orange and various disabilities. But it doesn't. So no vet with an Agent Orange-related illness is getting very much now." The government must step in to compensate vets, he says. So far, it has refused, but is reexamining its position. For the women who gave so generously of their time, energy and talents during the war, this realization is cruel. It's ironic that after serving their country faithfully, they don't know whom to turn to for answers about the mysterious Agent Orange. Until there is more medical data, the thousands of women who served in the U.S. during the Vietnam War will continue to fear the enemy within. In a very real sense, they have met the enemy - and it is their own government. Third Annual NamVet Page 12 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 =================================================================== E d i t o r i a l s t o r e m e m b e r =================================================================== Clouds, Rainbows... and Prisms by G. Joseph Peck NamVet's Managing Editor VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA (413) 443-6313 Well, the deadline is fast approaching when, no matter WHAT or HOW I feel about not receiving Todd's editorial, this Second Anniversary Issue of NamVet --MUST-- go to press. Step by painful step I'm coming to learn how many of YOU must have felt when it was time to be pulled from an AO and you knew some of your troops were still scrambling to reach rendezvous and exit point. Alone, in a sense, I prepare this issue KNOWING that m' brother TRIED... and just didn't quite make it. When Todd and I published the first NamVet on 11/11/87, I don't believe either of us realized the good that a simple ol' electronic newsletter could accomplish - both for ourselves and for our brother and sister veterans around the world. We've heard about it from fellow veterans, seen it written about in newspapers and magazines, and viewed the dogeared copies lying around in our Vet Centers and veteran organizations. We've also seen NamVet circulation rapidly grow from its tiny beginnings to what is now near-world-wide distribution. That tells US that we must be putting together at least some of the things you, our readers, want to read - that what we're trying to do for each of you fills a need. 'Round about last May, some legal troubles came Todd's way that mandated he sell his computer and shut down the VietNam Veterans' Valhalla. In order to continue the "mission" of NamVet, it quickly became clear to me that the responsibility for carrying on should fall upon one of the founding fathers - me ... and, with a persistence and determination similar to that which sustained me during my 18-1/2 year arduous battle with the VA and other bureaucracies, I have tried to do the best job I could of producing what YOU have requested and/or submitted for all of us to read... I'd like to take THIS opportunity to thank each and every one of you - Section Editors, contributors, those who download the NAM VET, and those who share it - for all that producing NamVet has taught ME... about the ambush in Happy Valley; about the lonely widow with 3 children who lost her husband to Agent Orange; about the homeless and incarcerated veteran; about our Missing In Action - Prisoners Of War (MIA/POW); and, most importantly, about trying to walk where YOU have walked. I've found part of me in almost every one of you and, ya know, I don't feel so alone anymore! Like so many of you, before I entered the service I was pretty confident that Life was orderly and predictable and that my future would be more or less under MY control. I really and truly believed I WAS a good and worthwhile person and that MY efforts COULD make a difference. > Although I didn't get to the 'Nam, it seems like the military and American society did for me what it did for many of you when they discharged me with a "label" as the unit I was assigned to (69th Sig Bn) was split and went to 'Nam and to Germany. I often wonder how many of those I served with Third Annual NamVet Page 13 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 made it back - and I often, too, feel guilty 'cause I wasn't there WITH them to do the job I was trained to do. (I've found two of 'em who came back... one works for a national news network in New York City; the other, after experiencing all kinds of unexplainable illnesses and weight loss, went to California to spend what were possibly his last days in warmth and sunshine instead of the bitter cold of the Northern U.S.) After my military service, like so many of you, I tried to feel proud of my efforts for this country - but it was hollow and had no meaning when I KNEW, except for my pre-accident performance of my duties, that I had done really nothing to be proud of. I soon learned that if I wanted a decent job, I should NOT mention my military service. I'm a determined cuss, though: a veteran and damned proud of it! Needless to say, with my service-incurred disabilities which the VA refused to recognize coupled with the general public reaction I encountered, there wasn't much I could find other than apprentice-type or menial labor positions. Following the lead that so many of you have provided - or leaving footprints that others may easily follow, claims were presented to the VA only to be denied or seen as confirmation that an erroneous military diagnosis was correct. I couldn't afford private physicians, therapists or counselors and I either had to find a way to deal with it myself or let it overwhelm me. Yup... we've been under a very similar cloud. But then one day I saw a rainbow... and followed it. A newspaper reporter, writing about my struggles with the Small Business Administration, called me a "service-connected disabled Vietnam vet" ... and I began to look deeper into some problems that all - ESPECIALLY Vietnam veterans - might be having at that time (1976). The rainbow, with its multiple colors and differing shades of light it shed on things, pointed me towards Massachusetts a few years later and steered towards the 1983 CompuServe Identity of "Vetlink - The Point Man" and then to the 1987 creation of VETLink #1. Eight months later, after constant and continued involvement in the IVVEC and just about the time I was beginning to find HOPE again, a faraway candle flickered as Todd asked that I join with him in creating NamVet for all of us. For me - NamVet has really kept the lights near-bright and has constantly reminded me of the kinship we all share! And, speaking of "kinship," let's not forget Todd. He's had problems, like many of us, prior to his most recent difficulty. He's mentioned to me that he's not proud of what's happened, and I can understand that. I can also understand confidentiality and allegiance and loyalty and acceptance. Todd and every one of you have taught me in a much better way that I was ever shown prior to IVVEC and NamVet. There's a "cloud" in HIS life right now and sometimes I wonder whether or not my internal guidance system of "not abandoning a brother/sister - or leaving someone behind" might be more harmful than good for Todd. It is "I" who had the police check on his and Nancy's well-being when I received no answer from their telephone for four or five straight days; It is "I" who constantly hounded him and asked that he US Snail me his editorial until we found a way to get the Valhalla back off-the-ground; it is "I" who have constantly tried to pull him back into something he seemed to care very deeply about. Maybe I should have just let him go - but, to Third Annual NamVet Page 14 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 me, he's a brother veteran who's shared some very important and insightful things with us all, and I have a real problem with that. It is also "I" who believe that we who contribute to NamVet and the IVVEC can see the iris of the clouds, can restore hope for at least one when all the world once seems lost - through our words and efforts and prayers, can see another person's actions illuminated in the light of fraternal understanding and concern... And it is "I" who can see clouds and rainbows and prisms and KNOW that it is nature's way of saying: "Thank You, Vietnam Veterans - it DOES mean sumpin'!" 'Til our next issue Show a brother or sister veteran That YOU care!!! Ci'ao for Ni'ao -Joe- Third Annual NamVet Page 15 Volume 3, Number 1 November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xxx _ -. . - .-. - . . . . - XXXXXxxXXXXXXXXXXXx -. - .- . - . . XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-. .--. - .- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -.- - -.- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -. -. -. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx .g -. -. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX .- j. .- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX . p .-. XXXXXXXX ]XXXXXXXXX ]XXXXXXXX .- - -. XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX -.- - -- XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX -- - XXXXXXXXX X'`XXX XXXXXXX Y Y XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXX XXXXXXX X X XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXX XXX XX X XXX XX XX XXXX XX XXX XX XX XX XXXX XXX]XXXXXXXXXXXX XXX[ XX XX XXX XXXXXXXXXX " I t ' s o n l y t e e n a g e a c n e ! " -Robert Nimmo- Third Annual NamVet Page 16 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Veterans, Speak out and be heard! By: Martin H. Kroll, Sr. NamVet's Agent Orange Section Editor Fort Mountain BBS - Chatsworth, GA (404) 695-8703 As another Veteran's Day draws near there are many things on my mind. One of them is the fact that Veteran's Day this year is on a Saturday. I have always wondered why we have a Veteran's Day that allows Government workers and bank employees a paid holiday when most of the Veterans themselves end up having to work unless they are employed by a bank or the Government. It just doesn't seem fair does it? Oh well, this is just a small trifle compared to some of the other things that bother me. One of the "biggies" that stays on my mind is that I am thoroughly disgusted with the way the Government has handled the Agent Orange issue and shortchanged the Viet Nam Veterans. This is what has prompted me to write a letter to President George Bush seeking his assistance in helping Veterans that may have been exposed to Agent Orange. You see, although I feel that "radicalism" may have it's place in many circumstances, I don't think that this issue is ready for that approach. I read a statistic just the other day that pointed out the fact that one out of every six home mortgages in this country are backed by the Veterans Administration. Since you have to be a Veteran to get VA backing of a home loan, it is obvious just how large a portion of the population is comprised of Veterans. Theoretically, if you talk to just five non veterans we can reach the vast majority of our voting population. It is very plain that if all Veterans agree on just a few issues we can hit them where it really hurts them. Congress is again seeking a pay raise that will increase their pay from $85,000 per year to $127,000 per year. I think that this is obscene when you consider the way they have done their foot dragging on the Agent Orange issue. Then too, the amount of their requested pay raise is more than most Veterans even earn in a year's time. Congress found out the last time around that the people can speak in force and they proved that yes, the almighty Congress listens to the people, at least for the time being. Do you see what I am getting at? If all veterans united and spoke out on any one issue, then there would be sufficient numbers to force Congress and the Government to do what ever we reasonably requested. We can do that and it is imperative that we do. Veterans that were exposed to Agent Orange are running out of time. They are now middle aged and many are dying from cancer and afflicted with other ills due to their service in Viet Nam. They need medical care now while there is still a chance that something can be done to help them. After the fact settlements to survivors twenty years from now will not help the Veterans. Now if Congress was doing their jobs as they should I don't think many Veterans would have any objection to giving them a reasonable pay raise. After all, we are the ones that have that power and authority in the final analysis. It is a shame that Viet Nam Veterans have been treated the way they have when it comes to the Agent Orange issue. Third Annual NamVet Page 17 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Now I have no idea if my letter to President Bush will get any results but I do know that united we can get what we want. I am asking each and every one of you reading this to join in and help the cause. Don't agree or disagree with me, just pitch in to help. You have my permission to publish this article and my letter to President Bush in any publication, as long as they are both published together and remain in the original unedited form. We should tell Congress that so long as they continue to drag their feet on the Agent Orange issue we will "JUST SAY NO" when it comes time to approve their pay raises and again when it comes time to go back to the voting polls. That's the ticket folks.....hit em where it really hurts! Here is what I am asking you to do. First, make several copies (at least 10) and have your friends and neighbors sign 2 of them. Second, send one copy to your Congressman and the other to the White House. This won't cost you much at all. This course of action should create a virtual flood of letters of support for immediate action on the Agent Orange issue. The trick is though, you have to DO IT NOW....Go ahead and start printing as soon as you are finished reading this article! Third, please attempt to get this article and my letter to President Bush published in your local newspaper or any newsletter or magazine that you can. This is very important! The more people that we can get this to, the more support we will get. If you are reading this in a newspaper or elsewhere, please tear this article out, sign it, and send it to your Congressman. While you are at it, photocopy several for your friends to do the same. We can do it folks! Don't do this for me, do it for yourselves and your brother and sister Veterans. After all, were it not for our Veterans you could very well now be living under communist or dictatorial rule. If it were not for our Veterans you could very well be living in poverty. It does no good to gripe about what our Government owes us when we fail to help ourselves. Let's make this a Veteran's Day to be remembered for years to come. Let's make this a Veteran's Day that started a flood of support that showed Congress and the Government just where we stand and that yes.....We do know how to hurt them in the worst way. We do not have to resort to violence or radicalism to get what is rightfully ours, but rather "we can and will" resort to the good old American way and work within the system. So in leaving you, I urge you one more time......DO IT NOW! Third Annual NamVet Page 18 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Silence and Empty Cells? By: Joyce Flory NamVet's Incarcerated Veterans Section Editor Desert Dolphin BBS - Las Cruces, NM (505) 523-2811 Here's me, checking in with the latest update from "my guys", the incarcerated Vietnam Vets. I've had some disappointments over the last couple of months, with my form letters being returned from San Quentin Ca. , Delaware CCR, LaGrange Ky, and no response from 21 other prisons across the country. Hopefully I'll hear something from those 21 soon. Sadly, most of the returned envelopes said "No such person" or "No such organization", meaning the VVA unit there has been disbanded. On the brighter side, I have made contact with Rutledge Ga. and Jackson, Mich. The updated addresses should be in this issue of NamVet or the anniversary issue. I've also gotten a huge listing from Westville Ind. (140 names) but can not list them at this time, as the inmates haven't approved my use of their names. Never fear.. my letter to an inmate, along with the list is on it's way for approval and if that inmate doesn't answer, I'll send it all to the next one on the list, until I get a reply. I have found an ally at Terre Haute Ind. that is looking into gathering a list from there. Word from "my guys" in Colo., Mass., Va., and Penn. is that all is well and even looking up. Transfers to less secure facilities more privileges are abounding. I send the newsletter on disc to Va. and Penn., with the hopes of doing so for Mass. in the future and an inquiry into doing the same for Ga. and Mich. In closing let me add that the inmates STILL want pen-pals and are disappointed when I give them a ray of hope that's not followed up by you folks out there. As always, if there's an avenue you think I'm not following, please let me know via the Vietnam_Vet echo, 305/105, or 1825 Evelyn Las Cruces N.M. 88001. Later, Joyce Third Annual NamVet Page 19 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Life Goes On By: Todd Looney NamVet's Chief, Emeritus Vietnam Veterans Valhalla - San Jose, CA (408) 737-2402 (Mail Only) I heard in some old country western song a long time ago a phrase that has stuck with me and seems to be appropriate during this month of Tet. Metaphorically it went something like, "Memories are like a rearview mirror, the farther you travel the smaller the image gets...". I probably bastardized the lyric horribly but the point I'm trying to make is that things happened a long time ago to all of us and even though the memories diminish with time, they are still there ... often with a haunting quality we'd rather not experience. Although I didn't serve in Vietnam during the infamous Tet invasion of 1968, I, like so many Vietnam veterans, have a "Tet" memory of my own to live with. Many of you know I was a POW for some time, but my Tet isn't about that. My Tet symbolized the frustrations we all felt in the Republic of Vietnam; trying to do our best with what little we had, but knowing deep down that we were there to do a job, and do it we must, and then go on with our lives the best we could. I had been in-country for about 6 months, maybe a little more, and was a medic for a long-range recon team of six guys, myself included. I had gotten close to all the members of my elite little team - a mistake in itself, but something that happened nonetheless. Our gunner (I'll call him Brandy for now) was a big Texan hailing from a small town called Wink or something like that. Anyway, Brandy carried an M-79 grenade launcher and was damned good with it. We were on a night patrol tallying movement on a redball (hard-packed clay trail through the jungle) when we ran into a little trouble. Normally during treks like that Brandy loaded buck shot into his weapon, but we had split into three teams of two men and spread out - Brandy and I were teamed together that night. Before we left he slipped the buck out and reloaded his M-79 with tear gas. I carried a couple grenades with me also so that in the event 'feces' hit the fan (grin) I could chuck them behind us to help us make our getaway. Brandy's job was to fire the gas at our pursuers and give us time to di-di out of there (di-di is Vietnamese for "get the heck out of Dodge". [You may be wondering why a medic would be carrying grenades, well, I found very early on in my first of four tours that scalpels make rotten weapons, and a syringe won't save your life when you're being jumped on. So, like all wizened combat vets, I carried an automatic rifle (a Colt Commando Assault Rifle CAR-15 given to me by a grateful marine under some bridge around Marble Mountain near Da Nang), a 45 automatic pistol, and yes, grenades whenever I could spare the room for them in my medical bag]. Anyway, as you probably might have guessed, it *did* hit the fan and we were forced to book out of there and regroup with the rest of our team at a predesignated spot near the mouth of a small stream running along the trail we had been watching. Brandy and I had to run full out about a thousand yards or so to our rendezvous position, the last leg through a rice paddy. Just as we got near the opposite bank of the muddy paddy, Brandy took a hit in the back that carried all the way through his body, exiting from his stomach. Luckily, the rest of our team heard the gun fire and Third Annual NamVet Page 20 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 started covering our escape from a knoll ahead of us. I dragged Brandy out of the water and shoved him behind a tree and started packing his belly and back with cotton dressing, finally with mud to staunch the bleeding (I figured that if I could just save his life they could cure the infection from the putrid mud back at Da Nang). Although the ensuing fire fight only lasted for a few minutes, it seemed like hours as I worked to save Brandy's life, him blabbing incoherently to me about home and his family the whole time. I think he told me his whole life story during those last five or six minutes. Just before he died in my arms, he looked up at me and smiled, then reached up and touched my neck with his finger tips. I think it was his way of saying, "Thanks bro, I love you ... goodbye". Although this happened a million years ago, I'll always carry with me the image of his face, the warmth of his touch, and the rush of emotion flooding through my body as he gasped his last breath and closed his eyes. What I'm leading to is that although the event of Brandy's death affected me with unbridled intensity, I was eventually forced to deal with it, put it behind me, and go on with my life. This process took ten long years, and only came about after I spent six months in a mental rehabilitation facility at our local Veterans Administration facility in Menlo Park, California. We all have to look our "Tet's" right in the face and deal with them sooner or later. If we don't, we end up derelict in our responsibilities to not only ourselves, but to our families, friends, and society in general. One of the best methods for me has been to utilize the International Vietnam Veterans EchoConference (IVVEC) as a support network. When I started the IVVEC several years ago, it was a selfish effort intended to link me up with other Vietnam veterans who could understand what I went through and help me to get through the rough times in my life back then. What it turned out to be, of course, was a support network for thousands of veterans around the world who just need to be heard now and then; they simply need to get things off their chests and be understood. Without help from many kind and generous people, Joe Peck to name one, this "stepping stone" to recovery would not exist. The NAM VET is our way of extending our sphere of influence even further than the realm of the computers and telephone lines it is generated upon (I found a printed copy on a San Jose Transit bus one afternoon last year!). No one can take responsibility for your recovery, that is an element of growth you will have to take control of yourself. But you are not alone. Take advantage of the IVVEC and the NAM VET and *use* them to your advantage! If you have input, we are all more than pleased to provide feedback if that is what you want. You can easily and inexpensively do this by dialing up on of the local IVVEC VetNet nodes in your local area (a loooooong list of nodes is available at the end of this issue of NAM VET), or compose an article for one of the enlightening sections of the NAM VET and ask your local sysop to e-mail it to one of the responsible editors listed on the title page. Either way, *you* must take some responsibility for your own recovery, and these are but two of the many healthy outlets at your disposal. We want to hear from you. Until next month, think happy thoughts and be happy. You have friends who care about you. Third Annual NamVet Page 21 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 =================================================================== T h e N a m V e t C h a p e l =================================================================== A PASTORAL RESPONSE TO THE TROUBLED VIETNAM VETERAN By: Melvin R. Jacob In: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDERS: a handbook for clinicians (c) 1987 DAV National Headquarters Input by: G. Joseph Peck NamVet's Managing Editor VETLink #1 - Pittsfield, MA (413) 443-6313 PTSD OF THE VIETNAM VETERAN was first published by the Disabled American Veterans (DAV) in 1980 (Williams, 1980). This book gave affirmation to Vietnam veterans, especially the ones experiencing adjustment problems. It gave insight and help for the health care provider working with the troubled Vietnam veteran. I benefited from this book, and was especially pleased to learn that the DAV was planning a sequel and was broadening its observations and recommendations for treatment of the veteran and his or her family. Jim Goodwin, in his chapter on the etiology of combat-related PTSD, wrote of the life-sucking symptoms of this disorder: Many veterans find it extremely uncomfortable to feel love and compassion for others. To do this, they would have to thaw their numb reactions to the death and horror that surrounded them in Vietnam...., many of these veterans go through life with an impaired capacity to love and care for others. They have no feeling of direction or purpose in life. They are not sure why they even exist. (Goodwin, in Williams, 1980, p.14) Goodwin identified in this dilemma a symptom that psychological treatment alone has not addressed. Laufer (1985) described this issue quite clearly: "The problem can be seen as the difficulty in answering the question, 'Who am I?' after learning more than one wants about the question, 'What am I capable of?'" (p.51) The existential dilemma challenges their reason and purpose for human existence. I assert it also points to the Vietnam veteran's need for spiritual, pastoral care, a need that has largely been avoided in the literature on the treatment of PTSD. This article is an attempt to respond to this need. My purposes are fivefold: (1) to present pastoral problems with Vietnam veterans; (2) to reframe PTSD symptoms from a pastoral perspective; (3) to examine pastoral goals within the reality of PTSD symptoms; (4) to offer pastoral interventions for these goals; and (5) to theologically describe forms of positive change. My response to the pastoral care needs of the Vietnam veteran has developed within my ministry over the past six years. During this period, I have worked extensively with veterans (on both an in- and outpatient basis) who have sought treatment at the Augusta, Georgia, VA Medical Center. They have taught me much. My response to them has been formulated from a Judeo-Christian philosophy that presupposes that life, as a creation of God, has direction and purpose and that recognizes a redemptive hope within human brokenness and pain. My response acknowledges renewal in Third Annual NamVet Page 22 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 the human spirit above and beyond human ability to effect change. PASTORAL PROBLEMS The reality of Vietnam ate away at the spirit of many of its soldiers. The constant inconsistencies and incongruities, the gut-wretching absurdities, and the endless emptiness left their indelible marks on the hearts of American warriors. A 35-year-old veteran, diagnosed with PTSD, recently allowed me into the horror and fear inside him. He recalled a night his company was overrun by the Viet Cong. Graphically and painfully, he described the vigilance he maintained while picking up the pieces of a buddy "held together at his middle by a thin stretch of skin." This vigilance replaced grief, and fear was his constant companion. He walked in the valley of the shadow of death, but, unlike the psalmist, he concluded that, "God was not there on that hill." A religious or spiritual vacuum was created by the Vietnam war. Many soldiers sought to theologize their experiences (that is, bring spiritual significance to them), but found it futile; emptiness engulfed their attempts for theological meaning, which, itself, was challenged with demonic interpretations. Many looked to the chaplain for meaning and strength. (Some veterans readily affirm the importance of the chaplain and the relationship he gave; meaning and strength were caringly incarnated in his presence.) Others recall negative memories of the chaplain. Lifton (1978) described an "ironic rage" directed at both chaplains and psychiatrists ("shrinks") by Vietnam veterans. This rage flowed from the soldiers' perceptions that the chaplains' battlefield work was incongruent. Lifton elaborates these incongruities: (1) the chaplains blessed the troops, mission, guns, and killing; (2) they endorsed "phoniness" in advocating confession of meaningless transgressions - for example, use of drugs - while holding back accountability to the ultimate transgression: killing; (3) they promoted "false witness" by not acknowledging loss (in the intrinsic and extrinsic experience of war), but affirming and legitimizing the death and destruction; and (4) they sanctioned an "unholy alliance" between themselves and the military in perpetuating the ironies and incongruities of Vietnam. Lifton concluded: "It was one thing to be ordered by command into a situation they came to perceive as both absurd and evil, but it was quite another to have that process rationalized and justified by ultimate authorities of the spirit and mind - that is, by chaplains and psychiatrists." (p. 220) Other pastoral problems are present in the interventions with veterans diagnosed as having PTSD. These problems are summarized in the negative transference that accrued to the chaplain. The chaplain is often seen as God's representative. If God was viewed as not present in Vietnam, then the chaplain's legitimacy, his reason for existence, was in question. The chaplain is seen as the embodiment of what was felt as God's betrayal, and his post- war interventions may receive the brunt of the rage felt toward his role in Vietnam. The veteran is often unable to distinguish between the chaplain who was perceived as sanctioning the incongruities of Vietnam and the one who now offers purpose, hope, and renewal in the brokenness and pain of PTSD symptomatology. Arnold (1985) presents basic principles in the treatment of Third Annual NamVet Page 23 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Vietnam veterans with PTSD, and lists an assortment of therapy interventions. He identifies "religious counseling" as one intervention, thus giving some legitimacy to the clergy's role in treatment (although he does not define what is meant by religious counseling). He warns against certain theological emphases and highlights possibilities with others: Religious or spiritual counseling has been very helpful to some veterans, but great sensitivity is required to arrange it. The clergy have an acknowledged legitimacy in the area of morality, but if the tenets of faith of a particular clergyman stress sin and punishment or portray expected human nature as being incredibly pure, veterans having serious problems with self-acceptance may reject the counseling which is offered. On the other hand, nonjudgemental guidance in dealing with combat experiences in moral terms may lead to the formulation of a new personal moral position which enhances productive living.(p. 253) The possibilities for ameliorative pastoral work with troubled Vietnam veterans necessitate a look at how this intervention takes place. I believe the first step in this process is to consider the troubled veteran from a pastoral perspective. PASTORAL PERSPECTIVE Much has been written on the veteran and PTSD. The American Psychiatric Association's (APA) DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL III (APA, 1980) provided the psychiatric diagnostic criteria. It describes the symptoms of this disorder as developing after a psychologically traumatic event that is outside the range of usual human experience. I seek to examine the behaviors and feelings from which this psychiatric diagnosis is derived. But, instead of using a psychological perspective, I will use a pastoral one that involves analyzing events, behaviors, and emotions from a theological or spiritual point of view and that embraces a holistic view of the person. The pastoral perspective recognizes the complexity and interrelationships existing among the components of the whole person - the emotional, social, mental, physical, and spiritual aspects of the person. The spiritual component provides a unique perspective from which to examine events, behavior, and emotions. Like the psychological perspective, the pastoral view has its own terminology to explain the observations. I use some of this terminology, rooted in Judeo-Christian thought, to describe the adjustment difficulties and internal struggles of the troubled Vietnam veteran. A veteran in his late thirties requested some private time with me. He had been hospitalized for two or three months, and I knew him very well, but his initiative for an appointment surprised me. In our meeting, he described that on a recent trip home he found something he thought he had lost. Pulling a bent and worn Bible from his pocket, he said, "Chaplain, this Bible was with me all the time I was in Vietnam... I survived and it was in my pocket." He described his attachment to it, although he never spoke of actually opening or reading from it. He continued, "I am struggling now... this Bible helped me before. I would like you to bless it the way it was blessed in Vietnam so it can help me now." I observed his fear; there was uncertainty in his eyes and hesitancy in his voice. His request seemed to involve more than Third Annual NamVet Page 24 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 "getting all the help you can get" - it appeared consistent with the teaching of his faith tradition about the Bible. He shared doubt and vulnerability. I listened to him and recalled how Thomas, in the New Testament, following the awesome mystery of Jesus' resurrection, was filled with fear and doubt. Thomas, like this veteran, asked for visible reassurance. He wanted to feel something tangible in his uncertainty. Jesus' response to Thomas spoke to his deepest fear and doubt. This illustration exemplifies the use of a pastoral perspective. In my work with Vietnam veterans, I have discovered seven categories that illustrate PTSD symptoms from a pastoral perspective. These are (1) distrust and fear, (2) rejection and betrayal, (3) futility, (4) alienation and estrangement, (5) loss and grief, (6) guilt and shame, and (7) isolation and withdrawal. After discussing the use of Biblical analogies, an important part of pastoral work, I will explore each of these categories in detail. BIBLICAL ANALOGIES Biblical analogies provide an historical perspective to PTSD symptomatology. I have found them useful as didactic presentations on PTSD and religious faith. Like the illustration of Thomas associated with the discussion of distrust and fear (below), Biblical analogies are applicable to the remaining six categories of PTSD symptoms. The Biblical character Joseph illustrates the experience of rejection and betrayal. His brothers, selling him into slavery, rejected him; Pharaoh's wife, lying about him, unjustly caused his imprisonment. THe Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes describes the emotions of futility, darkly depicted in the injustices and frustrations of many Vietnam veterans. Reflecting on the contradictions of life, with its injustices and frustrations, the writer concludes, "All is vanity." Alienation and estrangement are seen in the person of Moses. Born a Hebrew, but raised an Egyptian, he struggled to find moorings, his real self. Loss and grief are clearly evident in the Biblical character of Job, who lost all his children and property and was afflicted with a repulsive disease. The Biblical analogy of the disciple Peter, who went out and wept bitterly after his denial of Jesus, gives us an example of guilt and shame. The experiences of isolation and withdrawal are vividly portrayed in Adam and Eve, who sought to hide after their transgression against God. DISTRUST AND FEAR The association of distrust and fear links the consequences of failed trust with the fear of death and annihilation. Fear, cultured in a petri dish of broken trust and confidence, breeds greater distrust that deepens the fear. The cycle feeds on itself, creating larger distances between oneself and a world perceived as cold, callous, and uncaring. Vietnam is a saga of broken trust and confidence. Friend and foe looked much alike. Friendly villagers by day were Viet Cong sympathizers by night. A child's innocent smile made one cautious to the danger of the hidden explosive charge she carried. The children and elderly who responded warmly to the GIs likely were the offspring and parents of the enemy lurking nearby. Healthy distrust was learned, and fear was a bosom companion. Third Annual NamVet Page 25 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 The soldiers distrusted the governments for whom they were fighting. The government of South Vietnam had a legacy of instability and fraud; the black market flourished; vice was as abundant as a natural resource. The environment of the Vietnam war was different and foreign to the values and standards most young soldiers had been taught, and this difference fostered distrust and made an easy target for personal fears. The government that sent them to fight in such an environment over 6000 miles from home was also viewed with distrust and fear. The statements of U.S. political leaders simply did not mesh with the war's reality. Enemy body counts were valued over ground taken. Military tactics were compromised for political expediency. The soldier was caught in the middle, and catch-22 was the order of the day. Hearts could not absorb what eyes saw. War protests at home seemed to make no sense to the soldier in the field. Patriotism waned, and distrust gradually deepened. One veteran said to me: "If you can't trust your own government, who can you trust?" Possibly the most frightening source of distrust and fear was inside each soldier himself. Many experienced their own potential for violence - for the first time. The real fight for survival unleashed emotions and actions that remain horrifying to recall. Many want to hide their destructive past, but find it flares up under the stresses of daily living: an inconsiderate motorists fails to use his turn signal; a child slams the back door; a boss vents anxiety. Such stresses may precipitate violent, destructive outbursts. Tremendous amounts of emotional energy are spent to control the urge to destroy again. In one of my groups, a veteran yelled at me, "You don't know how close I came to knocking your head off!" I was surprised and threatened. He later was able to share his distrust of a particular facial expression that reminded him of someone he felt was untrustworthy. I sense a constant readiness or state of alertness in many veterans - their necks and shoulders are tense, their movements are sudden and jerky, their eyes dart about warily. Some keep their bodies in a defensive posture, constantly sitting with their backs to the wall (see Williams on "Peacetime Combat," this volume); it often seems to me that time bombs are ticking away inside these veterans. Some refuse to handle guns lest they lose their ability to control their violent impulses. The veterans frequently talk of the dehumanizing process in becoming a combat soldier. Basic training reinforces defensive action and erodes trust of caring emotions. A bright, articulate college graduate described this process to me. "They take who you are, or who you think you are. They knock you down and take you apart. Then they put you back together piece by piece... the way they want you to be. You are taught not to think but to react." Another veteran echoed these feelings. "You are taught to be an animal. Then you're expected suddenly to forget you're trained to function as an animal." A third veteran tearfully amplified this thought: "I know how to act like an animal. I don't know how to be human." Third Annual NamVet Page 26 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Many veterans distrust their capacity to enter into significant relationships without eventually finding themselves exploding violently. On the battlefield, this distrust was exacerbated. Relationships with buddies who offered understanding and affirmation were shortlived. Each soldier had his own DEROS (date of expected return from overseas); ESPIRIT DE CORPS waned (see Goodwin, this volume). Combat took its toll with the wounded and killed. New faces too easily filled the gaps left by old, familiar ones and, because combat soldiers distrust anyone whose actions affect their own life or well-being, establishing relationships was even more difficult - and these were tested literally by fire - gunfire. A mortar crew member told me that he once lay awake all night because there was a new man on the crew: "I was nearly killed once by a new crew member who didn't know what to do." Only when the fear of death and survival are shared can real significance be given to a peer relationship. Until this mutual struggle for survival was shared, there could be little or no understanding, much less affirmation, given and received. Unit cohesiveness suffered; the structure of survival in Vietnam inhibited such understanding and affirmation. Trust diminished. With the endless leavings and arrivals, impermanence was inherent in every fighting unit. This distrust and the accompanying fear still spill out to institutions and their representatives who seek to help the troubled Vietnam veteran. Leventman (1978) gave the following description: "Bureaucratic formalism and inefficiency, inept and ill-informed policy-making, political and military gamesmanship, all capped by revelations of high-level executive misconduct, produced an unprecedented crisis of faith and confidence in American institutions." (p. 293) The Veterans Administration (VA) is often not distinguished from the government that sent men and women to war but failed to support them, so the VA as an institution is distrusted, too. Its employees are often not distinguished from the institution, and so they, too, are not trusted by the people they want to serve. Once veteran said: "The VA is like Vietnam. It's a survival trip. I have to fight and struggle every step of the way." Some veterans even suspect secret alliances between the care givers in the VA and the government that fostered their troubles. The institutionalized church has also been unfavorably regarded by veterans. Many accuse the church of hypocrisy; they believe the church has been phony and that it has no comprehension of the harsh realities they learned in war. And, as with the VA, these feelings have been transferred to individuals who represent the institution - ministers and chaplains. One veteran lashed out at me: "You are just a hypocrite... any chaplain is a hypocrite. You profess to be something you can't be." Such feelings present both an obstacle and a challenge to those who seek to alleviate this distrust and fear. Finally, distrust and fear are associated with God. One veteran angrily demanded: "Where was God when I need Him (in Vietnam)? Third Annual NamVet Page 27 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 Now that I don't need Him, why should I trust that He is here?" The presence of God and the conviction of faith are often viewed in direct relationship. As faith waxes and wanes, so does God's reality and the clarity that comes for questions of life. Ambiguity clouds God's presence and suffocates the conviction of faith; Vietnam was filled with ambiguity. Battlefield pleas to God became confused with distrust of sacred institutions (government and church) and the contorted maladies of the war. The symbols of faith - like the corner church - have done little to alleviate the distrust. Many veterans put God and faith on hold until a happy marriage between the war's reality and the message of the church could be realized. Many refused or feared the process of integrating Vietnam's reality into renewed faith. If old understandings of God failed them in Vietnam, then "...to hell with Him; I know how to survive by myself." I have heard this phrase often. Distrust and fear come in waves that burden a pastoral relationship. The negative transference creates an undertow that takes pastoral intervention out to sea; it eventually increases distrust and fear - and we see again the vicious cycle. To resist the undertow threatens conflict; to give in to9 it exacerbates the symptom. A veteran told me poignantly that if he did not distrust people he would have to trust them. "I'm just not ready to trust others." The next symptoms in the pastoral perspective - fears of rejection and betrayal - are discussed now, as they follow from the more general fear and distrust. REJECTION AND BETRAYAL The experiences of rejection and betrayal are closely linked. Rejection means not being accepted, in spite of efforts by significant individuals or a significant group. Betrayal expresses a more deeply felt experience of injustice. Rightness has been bypassed and ignored. Often, reactions to such injustices funnel into strong negative responses, spilling out into rage toward the perceived perpetrators or turning inward toward depression. Many Vietnam combat veterans have a litany of rejection experiences. This rejection arose on the battlefield when they were not allowed to advance against the enemy; they felt hands were tied by political powers who squelched their mission. They experienced rejection from the authority that sent them on a mission of war. Other veterans contort in rage when they call reports in ARMY TIMES about well-known public figures back home questioning their sacrifices or about blood drives for the enemy. They felt their sacrifices and deeds in a foreign country had been rejected. This thought was expressed by a veteran who said, "I didn't ask to go there. I was sent there! They (the American public) don't understand." Many feel their legitimacy and integrity have been disavowed. The welcome home was experienced as rejection. Many veterans recall vividly a cold reception, highlighted with an attitude of Third Annual NamVet Page 28 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 "we need to hurry and forget Vietnam." The nation's collective difficulty with the war and its ambiguous termination were frequently internalized as an invalidation of their struggle. "We did our job and we did it well, but, nobody accepted it (us)," is an often-heard statement. A sequel to the initial "welcome home" was the lingering adjustments to society again. Goodwin (1980) describes how the Vietnam experience differed from previous wars and subsequently predisposed the combatants to PTSD. These maladjustments to society raised the question of acceptability of the Vietnam veteran. "If so many of us are having problems with society either something is wrong with society or something is wrong with us," a veteran said to an adjustment group. A sense of rejection seemed to be the catalyst for his comment. Rejections deepens into a sense of betrayal. Conventional notions of good soldiering in Vietnam were sacrificed to political expediency; soldiers felt betrayed even by battlefield tactics. A block of land might be secured, but the unit would withdraw and engage in other nearby conflicts, only to be ordered to return to the initial block of land and retake it, often with the only results being maimed and crippled bodies and corpses. A clear sense of mission was clouded by battlefield realities. In addition, enemy tactics of booby trapping the villages and villagers and the surprise ambushes with quick retreats created an elusive foe. Guerilla warfare conflicted with Western mindset, which raised questions about the validity of the war. The Vietnam veteran searches for purpose with cries of betrayal and injustice. "Our country sent us to war, but would not support us," a veteran concluded. Rejection and betrayal accumulated and grew into a rage that many veterans still struggle to quell. Often closest family and friends are the recipients of this rage as the veteran breaks inanimate objects, puts his fists through walls, or even physically abuses another person. This rage breeds a new cycle of rejection and betrayal. Employers do not understand, are threatened, and unable to tolerate it, especially as it is frequently directed toward authority figures. Health caregivers are frightened by its lethal potential. All too often, the veteran is himself afraid and rejects others, lest they reject him first. This rage is exacerbated by other emotional experiences of the war, one of which was the seeming futility of the fighting. This sense of futility is now discussed. FUTILITY The Old Testament book of Ecclesiastes describes the emotions of many Vietnam veterans: life is filled with weariness; absurdity overcomes congruency. The wisdom (of the) writer of this book reflects deeply on how short and contradictory life is, with its seemingly endless injustices and frustrations. He concludes, "All is vanity. Life is useless." He could not understand the ways of God among life's contradictions and ambiguities. The soldier in Vietnam encountered continuous contradictions and ambiguities. Wilson (1977) identified eight existentially absurd Third Annual NamVet Page 29 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 situations in Vietnam that conflicted with the role for which the soldier was trained. These were: > The limited military operation > The lack of positive commitment from the South Vietnamese > The intricacies of guerrilla warfare > The black market operations > The limited tour of duty in a depersonalized war > Difficulty and helplessness in distinguishing the enemy > The seemingly meaningless death of friends > Faulty reentry from the war. Laufer (1985) advanced a conceptual approach to this war trauma, focusing on the disruptive formative experiences inflicted on the soldier: The young soldier, prior to his entry into the war, can be described as a cauldron of emotions, ideas, and themes waiting to be forged. War is a force which turns the emotional and moral world young men grow up in on its head. For example, the archetypical foundation of civil society, the injunction "Thou shall not kill," is waived in war. (p.46) Death, destruction, and survival were ironically intimate. Laufer (1985) called this "a premature encounter with mortality." With the failure to integrate the stress of war, many Vietnam veterans experienced a profound shattering of basic concepts of humanity. The endless supply of emptiness led them to conclude with the Biblical writer that "everything leads to weariness - a weariness too great for words." Marching along with futility, the soldier experienced separation and detachment from life's meaning. As one confided in me, "It's like walking in a bad dream that you can't wake up from..." This sense of alienation and estrangement from self and others is the next symptom we will consider. ALIENATION AND ESTRANGEMENT The sources of identity were confused for the young Vietnam combatant, whose average age was 19.5 years. He was easily separated from a sense of self by the threatening, violent waves of war. According to Erikson (1963), the average age of the American soldier in Vietnam corresponded to a crucial state in psychological maturity, Erikson's fifth stage of personality development, identity versus role confusion. In this age period, a person requires a basic sense of harmony, and congruency for healthy psychological maturity to occur. But Vietnam offered discord and incongruity, inhibiting ego synthesis, and fostering negative identity and role confusion. It was easy to cope with the absurdities by becoming numb to their emotional impact and warped in integrating them to one's own time, space, and person. The eyes and ears had seen and heard too much; the heart became separated from feeling. Erikson's conceptualization of personality development informs a pastoral understanding of alienation and estrangement. Alienation is a separation from groundedness, the loss of a sense of purpose. This separation fosters detachment from previous identity and Third Annual NamVet Page 30 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 community, and the person shifts from place to place and person to person, seemingly disintegrated and impermanent. "I feel so freakish," a veteran said to explain his peripatetic lifestyle. A gulf of estrangement lies between the individual and his sense of meaning and purpose - estrangement and alienation from self, others, and God. There is a strangeness that pervades interpersonal and intrapersonal activity, and no firm attachments to meaning to one course of action over another. The alienation and estrangement toward others are often fed by the veteran's fear of closeness. Wartime experiences of closeness - and loss - are painfully remembered. Personal confusion and unsure identity leave him cautious lest more hurt and pain be encountered. This estrangement fuels a suspicious attitude, which is often felt by others who steer clear, exacerbating the veteran's freakish, unnatural feeling, and intensifying his separateness. The veteran settles for less and for dullness. There is a tendency for continual lateral or backward movement - from job to job, school to school, drifting without progress toward goals or achieving significant closeness. A magic "cure," meaning removal of all symptoms, is sought to deal with interpersonal and intrapersonal problems. A "born-to-lose" attitude develops. The wives of many veterans complain of their cold (see Williams, "Women Partners," this volume), emotionally detached husbands, who seem unable to experience the joys of life, although some create transient joy through alcohol and a wide variety of street drugs (see Jelinek and Williams, this volume). Estrangement builds. Alienation and estrangement are exhibited in separation from God. A massive cavern of religious incongruity exists in the minds of many Vietnam veterans because the creations of God encountered in Vietnam so starkly contrasted with the presentation of God in churches and synagogues at home. Rites and rituals learned as a child appeared removed from the death, destruction, and survival in Vietnam. Limited and unstructured patterns of devotion and spiritual development have left the veteran open to the vicissitudes of thought and feeling remaining from the evils of war. The veteran tends to invent his own gods to fill his gaps of religious meaning. The personal creations of God have a blend of fundamental theology, cultural practices, and interpersonal and intrapersonal needs. They tend not to stand the test of time. These self-made creations are replaced as new insights, cultural change, altered and personal dynamics are presented. The unredemptive, ever- changing results of the personal creations lead to increased alienation from God. With a face filled with rage, a veteran cried out to me, "Chaplain, I went to Vietnam expecting some grace, but I found only more hell! Tell me what I should think of God? I dare you to tell me!" Out of a pastoral perspective, the chaplain observes alienation and estrangement as symptomatic of the troubled Vietnam veteran. Alienation and estrangement are often aligned with another symptom that is the focus of the next section - the reaction to loss and the consequent grief. Third Annual NamVet Page 31 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 LOSS AND GRIEF Loss occurs before grief. Loss is the behavioral or existential experience in which someone or something significant is taken away. Grief is the emotional response to the loss. The process of grief is the healing of the emotional hurt and pain that result with the loss. If the healing act is significantly hindered or blocked, the reaction to the loss may impair the life functioning of the person in grief. Losses come constantly with war. The Vietnam war was no exception. Human relationships in Vietnam were lost in several ways: (1) a tour of duty ended, (2) a change of orders meant a change of location and often of friends,(3) a wounded friend left for extended treatment, and (4) death brought finality to many. With flat affect, a veteran detailed the horrible ambush that wiped out all but a few of his company. He survived in the river by breathing through a water reed. Another veteran stoically shared a traumatic loss. His arms tensed and eyes winced as he pictured picking up the pieces of a dead friend. It is not uncommon for me to hear veterans say, "I've never been able to cry," and reveal that the healing process of grief has never begun. Other losses occurred in the Vietnam experience. The innocence lost will never be regained or even relived at a slower, more easily accepted pace. As one veteran powerfully put it: "I grew old too fast and too soon... Once you've killed, your life is forever changed." Constant fear and weariness were strange motivations to deadly, atrocious acts. No one can describe it all. The discovery of youth was lost in the horror of repeated deaths and the constant struggle for survival. The loss of faith and ideals accompanied the loss of innocence. The valor, the wounds, and the deaths appeared meaningless in the struggle of conflicting forces, most of which were not on the battlefield. Confidence in government declined in direct relationship to unproductive, repetitious policy. The sense of duty, honor, and prestige were lost in the cyclical patterns of deadly action. These losses inflicted pain and sorrow that could not be forgotten by many upon return home. Because crying on the battlefield had been an extreme liability and threat to survival, many never grieved. And, because survival instincts are so intense, some could not grieve at home. Feelings of loss are not alleviated just because one wants them to go away. As the losses increased, so did the need to grieve. But grieving was impossible in battle, so the reactions to losses became bottled up, impacted. With some, the grief is enormous: "I am afraid that if I start (to grieve) I don't think I can quit.... I will lose control and it (survival) will be all over." The fear of loss of control is associated with how grief was frequently handled on the battlefield - namely, through violent, deadly acts that created destruction. Such behavior, which helped release bottled emotions on the battlefield, was completely unacceptable at home, and the veteran feared others' reactions to Third Annual NamVet Page 32 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 his real grief. On the one hand, people might be "grossed out" by the blood and destruction of more war stories; on the other hand, they might see expressions of grief as weakness or unbecoming of a good soldier. These fears were provoked by a population that wanted to forget the unpopular war. The cliche "time heals all wounds" was wrongly thought to apply to the grief from Vietnam; veterans expended more and more energy to keep it inside. Alcohol and illegal drugs often became easy buffers for the pain. Escapes into the woods or away from responsibility did not leave the hurt behind, and created new, self-inflicted losses that increased the need for healthy grief. Impacted grief may often be confused with another symptom of the troubled Vietnam veteran: guilt and shame. GUILT AND SHAME Guilt describes the emotional pain that results from behavior that is judged to be wrong. This judgement is internalized and is often supported by external forces. Breaking a commandment may not create guilt, even though the external commandment is broken. Guilt begins when the person realizes his wrong, feels accused, and seeks relief from the emotional discomfort. Guilt, when left unattended, leads to lethargy and decreased responsiveness to the spirit in life. Shame takes the experience of guilt into a deeper level of emotional pain. Wrong behavior is exposed. A person feels as if fingers are accusingly and laughingly pointed at him. Shame takes guilt out into the open and, thus, increases its pain. The Vietnam veteran describes guilt and shame. His pain arises from passive and active behaviors, covert and overt transgressions. Like a heavy yoke carried on his shoulders, guilt burdens the veteran and diminishes creative energy and vitality. A veteran in his mid-30s described a life-altering event that had occurred 15 years earlier. He was driving in a truck convoy in Vietnam. His sergeant ordered him to change positions with the driver behind him. Within minutes after the exchange, his original truck was hit by a mortar and the driver immediately killed. "I've asked myself a thousand times, why wasn't that me?... I can't seem to get it out of my mind." Another veteran told me, "What I did in Vietnam went against everything I had been taught. I've been told by well-meaning types that war is different and I should feel different about it... The bottom line is I killed and I got to where I enjoyed it... I don't like that about me." The guilt arose from his actual behavior and how he reacted to it. He is perplexed that he could become such a person. Vietnam veterans describe different sources of their guilt. They note how they inflicted pain, suffering, and death not only to the enemy, but on those who were only thought to be the enemy, and this uncertainty brought on clear emotional pain and multiplied their guilt. A forward observer related to me the day he did his job perfectly and called for artillery on an enemy company. His successful operation destroyed the entire VC company and saved his own. "I know, chaplain, it makes no sense, but I feel guilty as Third Annual NamVet Page 33 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 hell. I know my action saved countless lives in my company. I know that I was following orders. But, something inside me tells me I did an abhorrent act." He later shared how he now has found community with a group that seeks to protect the dignity of all forms of life; but, "I still feel guilty," he concluded. The guilt that springs from overt behavior is also associated with inhumane, animalistic acts outside the line of fire. Some describe horrible escapes into drugs and alcohol. Some describe the misery of selfishness where you religiously apply the "first- take-care-of-yourself" attitude. The inevitable result was that self-indulgence did not satisfy, but it did produce twinges of guilt or a desire to increase the indulgence to avoid honesty with oneself. Guilt arose from other aspects of the Vietnam experience. When some die and others do not, the survivors often ask, "Why not me?" (see T. Williams, this volume). This painful emotion is called survivor guilt. Goodwin (1980) wrote: "It (survivor guilt) is not based on anything hypothetical. Rather, it is based on the harshest of realities, the actual death of comrades, and the struggle of the survivor to live. Often the survivor has had to compromise himself or the life of someone else in order to live." (p. 14) Associated with survivor guilt is its cold, cruel companion - namely, helplessness. A sense of powerlessness is remembered as one recalls his inability to change a bad situation. Powerless and impotent to alter past events, the veteran may turn his guilt inward into self-destructive behavior. Suicide has taken its toll. Many veterans vow never to be caught where they do not have a weapon with them. This emotion is carried by some into provoking antagonism from others and possibly losing their life to take their place beside fallen comrades. In contrast, other veterans react differently with survivor guilt: they remove all weapons from their homes. One recently told me, "I vowed never to hurt anybody again. I've done enough of that.... there's no way you'll find a weapon around me!" This contrast was sharply noted when another man described the difference between him and his brother, both combat veterans. "My brother has weapons inside his house and in his truck." He continued, "He loves guns. He talks about guns and studies about them. Me, I don't want to have anything to do with them. If I never see another one, that would be okay." A final sense of guilt from Vietnam is the feeling of not having done enough. This guilt may have diffuse origins. It may arise from a generalized self-blame for the lost war. It may arise from unrealistic beliefs of what one should have done when a friend was killed. It may arise from a clear failure to perform as trained in a traumatic fire-fight. A tormented, tensed veteran shared the horror of being overrun on a never-to-be-forgotten night. He told how a friend chose to go up a hill while he stayed below. His friend died. He said, "I should have made him stay with me." The burden of guilt weighs heavily, and is intensified for veterans who have had the appropriateness of their guilty feeling verified by others. The label "baby killers" has evoked Third Annual NamVet Page 34 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 especially bitter reactions. A veteran who killed a child to protect his squad from the child's hidden explosives expressed his vulnerability to this label. "I have to live with the knowledge of what I did. To be reminded of it does not help me either." He then defended himself as a caring person caught between two evils. The undeclared nature of the war and the low public support tended to increase the shame experienced by many of the Vietnam veterans. They sought validation of the pain, but experienced coldness, misunderstanding and accusation. For some, this shame became confused with anger at a society that would send them to war but not support them. These feelings of guilt and shame were often ignored. A good soldier supposedly does not look back. They sought to avoid their real selves. What sadly occurred was that many made this venture of escape a life-style. They found that they maintained control of themselves, including their guilt and shame, by isolating themselves from others. They withdrew to paradoxically maintain contact with themselves and others. The subject of isolation and withdrawal is now discussed from a pastoral perspective. ISOLATION AND WITHDRAWAL Isolation and withdrawal are often concomitant behaviors to the emotions of guilt and shame, and are frequent companions of the Vietnam veteran with PTSD. A struggling veteran paradoxically said, "Loneliness is my true companion." A common litany within my outpatient group is, "Society does not understand me... so I isolate myself." This statement is often followed by: "This group of fellow Vietnam veterans are the only people I feel comfortable around." The wounds of war escape the description of words. Some veterans feel that words cheapen the experience of combat and disgrace the sacrifices of battle. Only fellow combat veterans understand. There is a fraternity with closed initiation rites. The ritual of the fraternity includes the unspoken message, "You don't need to say a word. I understand." What often grows from this ritual is an increase in loneliness and isolation (see Hickman, this volume). The fraternal ritual is esteemed and remains sacred. When someone begins to break out of the patterns of withdrawal, suspicion is often cast on him, or a subdued questioning begins about the authenticity of his combat experiences. The scars of traumatic experiences in combat run deep, often leaving rough calluses that are insensitive to individual desires to escape the rituals of isolating behavior. The terms of isolation and withdrawal are viewed hear as uncreative behaviors. They are seen as means of avoidance and escape, rather than creative behaviors of joining and aligning. Isolation is living with the self to avoid contact with others. Withdrawal is the action of fleeing contact with others. The experience of combat redefined closeness for many veterans. Closeness that is based on intimacy and that embraces vulnerabilities is often feared. To share oneself is perceived as sharing the wounds of war that are, themselves, too frightening Third Annual NamVet Page 35 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 and painful for the veteran himself. Some veterans say that their attempts to share vulnerabilities from the war were met with abuse and mocking laughter. With such receptions, some veterans develop defenses patterned after combat training; they know how to survive alone: create a safe place and do not expose yourself. Many veterans spoke succinctly of the benefits of his isolation: "No one bugs me. I'm doing what I do well - surviving alone." Agoraphobic behavior and the fear of intimacy remove veterans from others, yet many cite discomfort with their lonely lifestyles. They want ot change, but are afraid. Some truly see themselves as strangers in their native land. They search for a home, a place that offers embrace. Countless veterans describe innumerable moves, validating their inability to find this place. "The woods" become a symbol of this nomadic, lonely life style. Isolation and withdrawal are more than just physical behaviors. They are also manifestations of emotional detachment. Intimacy, although desired, is seldom described. The mask of symptoms covers a real person, capable of giving and responding creatively to closeness and caring. Inevitably the mask (the symptoms) has become so much a part of the person that the veteran stays behind it. Intimacy is yearned for and avoided. Wives report detachment. Flashbacks, violent outbursts, and avoidant behavior create great stress on the marriage relationship. Families adjust by avoiding the father who is withdrawn and unpredictable. Wives feel bound to a person in a struggle they cannot fully comprehend. Children experience anger toward and resentment of a daddy they cannot talk to. Triangulation occurs with the family unit (see Williams, "Women Partners," this volume). There is the husband (father) behind the mask, and there is the husband (father) with PTSD symptoms. There is often the husband relating to veterans or the VA. There is the husband's (father's) allegiance to fellow veterans and ties to the VA. Many family members separate from the veteran who is permanently alienated from the person and his mask of symptoms. Other family members struggle with the burden of continued attachment; some are able to protect themselves and detach the symptoms from the person. A pastoral perspective looks for the person behind the symptoms. A pastoral perspective seeks to distinguish the "sins" from the "sinner." The symptoms are often interrelated and enmeshed in the life style and relationships of the veteran. These symptoms tend to wax and wane in intensity. Some may be more burdened with loss and grief, for instance, and less burdened with alienation and estrangement. The intensity and frequency of each symptom combine to define the set of symptoms (mask) that is unique to each veteran. A pastoral perspective seeks to gain entrance behind the mask of symptoms and offer healing and wholeness to the person. The next section describes the veteran's need for healing and wholeness from a pastoral perspective. PASTORAL POSSIBILITIES These seven distinct symptoms describe maladies of the human spirit. The chaplain offers good news - the pastoral possibilities for increased healing and wholeness, beginning with Third Annual NamVet Page 36 Volume 3, Number 1 November 12, 1990 a deep understanding of the troubles and a commitment to care. (The term "pastoral possibilities" describes the goals of the chaplain's caring.) PASTORAL INTERVENTION Pastoral intervention refers to the work by a designated representative - for example, a chaplain - of a faith group. This work integrates the chaplain's training and skill, the faith tradition and, one hopes, compassion for people. Pastoral intervention with the Vietnam veteran involves working with individuals of assorted faith backgrounds. This diversity challenges the chaplain to creatively develop vehicles on which to carry his message of healing and wholeness. Such a message arises within God's creative, redemptive, and sanctifying acts. My work with the Vietnam veteran has taught me that traditional models of ministry - for example, organized Bible study - are rejected. I have also learned that these veterans do not want me to be their medical doctor, psychologist, or social worker. My unique contribution lies in my offering a faith perspective to their health care. My contribution offers spiritual, or theological, significance to the intervention, which listens to their deepest hurts, doubts, and yearnings. I look for blessings within the veterans struggles and am reminded of the story of Jacob's struggle. Jacob (Genesis 32:26) wrestled long and hard with an unknown assailant before a blessing emerged out of his struggle. It is also within the veteran's own