Someone suggested that this would be of use to the readers of soc.culture.celtic, so here it is, version 1.1 of the scot.general FAQ! _________________________________ __ _____| THE OFFICIAL SCOT.GENERAL FAQ! |_____ __ _________| |__| :| Version 1.1 | |__| |_________ \ :| |::| :| First:28/7/94 This:28/7/94 | |::| | / \ :| |::| :| Compiled by GtB | |::| | / > :| |::| :|_________________________________| |::| | < / :|__|::|____:/ \.____|::|__| \ /_______:/ \::/ \::/ \._______\ Welcome to the scot.general FAQ, a comprehensive list of the information regarding scotland and the scot.general bboard. This FAQ is mainly aimed at our foreign friends, who may be considering visiting Scotland, or just have a general interest in Scottish Culture. I hope that this FAQ will be an indispensible guide to these users. CONTENTS: Section 1 - Where is Scotland? Section 2 - Visiting Scotland (Hints & Tips) Section 3 - Scottish Culture Section 4 - The scourge of the Gaelic brigade Section 5 - Peugot in KB car park, C847 LYS your lights are on! Section 6 - Tartans & Clans SECTION 1 - WHERE IS SCOTLAND? This is a good question, and people who have never visited Scotland often get it wrong. Despite popular opinion Scotland is in fact part of the United Kingdom, not the one stuck on the side of England, thats Wales. If you want to know about Wales,perhaps you're interested in coal mines and singing, then please stop reading now and get hold of the Wales.general FAQ. Scotland is in fact connected to the top of England. It is not part of England but is infact a completely seperate country! Luckily most Scottish people now speak ENGLISH, and some of them have even become so anglicised that they have lost their red hair, and wear trousers rather than the more traditional, and still tremendously popular kilt. If you're still unsure about where Scotland is, here is a map to help you: U N I T E D K I N G D O M ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . ............ .... ............. .... ............ (c) Paul Fawcett 1994 .. ........ ............ . . . ......................... .... ........................ .......................... . . ....................... < THIS IS SCOTLAND ...................... < HERE. . ........................ ... .................. .. ................... . . ......O......... ... ....GLASGOW....O....... .... .. .......EDINBURGH..... . .. ................./o Berwick upon Tweed .. ..........._____/... < ENGLAND STARTS HERE .........._/.......... .........../............. .......... .............. . .................. .................... .. ..................... N O R T H .. .. ................. . .................... S E A I R I S H .. ..................... ....................... S E A .... ........................... ............................... ............................... ....... . . ........................................ ..............O......................... .........BIRMINGHAM..................... WALES IS > ......................................... ABOUT HERE>............................................ SOMEPLACE ............................................. .... ..CARDIFF............................ ......O....................O...... ................LONDON........ ..................................... ..................................... ....................... .. .................... ............. .. ...... ... .. . E N G L I S H C H A N N E L SECTION 2 - VISITING SCOTLAND (HINTS & TIPS) Top Tips for American Tourists Visiting Scotland. Number 1. Blend in with the locals by purchasing a pair of tartan trousers, and a tartan bunnet with a furry bobble on the top. You will then be able to infiltrate local public houses etc without being discovered. Number 2. If wearing a kilt, you should not wear a tammie or a bunnet, but a homburg style hat, with the band on the hat in the same tartan as the kilt. (Honest, I actually *saw* this once - at the foot of the Mound about 10 years ago, though whether he was a Yank, I don't know.) Number 3. If you find yourself out and about at about 9am, when everyone is hurrying to get to work on time, befriend your Scottish cousins by stopping in large groups on a narrow stretch of pavement and pointing towards the sky. Number 4 Do not inquire off passers-by "What part of England is Scotland anyways?" (nicked from some comedian) Number 5 If the tartan disguise fails, just walk round drinking Irn Bru and try to look as much like a ned as possible. Number 6 Alternatively if you should be walking along Princes St at that time point down at their feet and exclaim "Oh look at all the chewing gum droppings which are permanently attached to the pavement (sidewalk)" Introduce everyone to the "Big Issue " vendors whos bark will so pleasantly blend with the moan of bagpipes issuing from the Gardens opposite . Point out that many of the young women are dressed in black from top to toe and that this "uniform" invariably includes a floppy hat bent back at its peak . Note also the determined , some would say dour countenance on their faces as they stride along to goodness knows where . Watch out for fellow American tourists who can be spotted by the fancy pirouette they perform in unison while looking alternatively at the Castle and the Shops (stores ) . There will be at least one very bright jersey (sweater) amongst them - normally yellow . Number 7 It is essential to remember that 'Greenock' is pronounced with a short 'e' ie: 'Grenock', otherwise the natives will not understand where you are taking about. Number 8 In a bar, when faced with a gantry holding 30 or 40 quality whiskies, don't hesitate to select the best available - Bells - this is an ideal way to impress the locals with your knowledge of and appreciation of one of Scotlands greatest contributions to world culture. If you decide to forgo the pleasures of a Bells, and go for one of the more mundane malt whiskies (blended whiskies are in general *far* superior to malts), it is essential to mix it with water or add ice cubes - this is the only way to drink the stuff. Number 9 Fife is pronounced to rhyme with life, it is not fi-fi to rhyme with he-he and generally used to denote yappie poodles or daughters of Bob Geldoff. (Based on true incident) Number 10 When buying a pint of heavy in a pub, do not say "Can I have a pint of 80 per-cent, my good man?", but rather ask for "A pint of 80 shilling". Number 11 When in the same pub as Tip number 10, and whilst inspecting the food menu blackboard, upon which is written: Beef Steak Chicken and Mushroom Pie Lasagne . . etc . and a large selection of salads ...do not ask the bar staff for a "large selection of salads". Number 12 Buy plenty of those little Scottish dolls with bagpipes that you can get in the bargain bookshops for 1 pound ($1.50), and repeatedly say 'I really do appreciate it' to absolutely everyone, in the most insincere voice you can muster. Number 13 Avoid pickpockets and conmen who prey on American Tourists by wearing a white cap, white jacket, white trousers and white shoes, and wear at least two extremely expensive cameras (with large telephoto lenses) at all times. Number 14 Remember that the locals will treat you with friendliness, courtesy and respect, just as long as your wallet is open.... Otherwise they'll get together and grumble amongst themselves about how unpleasant it is having tourists all over the place, whilst failing to ackowledge the importance of the tourism industry to Edinburgh's local economy. Number 15 It is a little know fact that English money _is no use in Scotland_ - we have our own system of notes and coins. Often shopkeepers may try to pass unsuspecting tourists useless English money in thier change. Luckily, a service operates to help out duped tourists - I will be standing next to the departures board in Waverly station every afternoon from 2 - 5.30 for the summer months, and will exchange English cash into Scottish notes, at the extremely competitive price of 2 English pounds -> 1 Scottish pound (+ 10% commission) Corrections to point 15 No, HMV accepts [English money] Boots, Crawfords, Virgin and Dixon's accept Royal Bank notes only. John Lewis, the Food Court, Tandy, Richard Shops, Jenners, the railway station, the Post Office and Government offices accept Bank of Scotland notes. For historical reasons most hotels prefer Clydesdale Bank notes. Number 16 Entertain the locals by saying 'Hey look, Elmer, is that the castle?' loudly while passing Donaldson's Hospital on the top deck of a number 31 bus. Subsection A - 'Learning from the mistakes of others' A friend tells me that at the Tourist Information Office she stood behind an American tourist who wanted to see some photographs of Edinburgh Castle under construction. Another says that she overheard an American tourist remark to his wife that "They should have built it [Edinburgh Castle] nearer the stores". Two of my favourite exhibits at Edinburgh's Modern Art Gallery are American Tourists. While they are not always on display the postcards depicting them are always on sale in the Gallery shop. Subsection B - Additional tips for Japanese Tourists. Number B.1 Stand on extremely busy street corners and take photographs of your friends in front of every building you can find. A holiday should be deemed a failure if you do not have at least one photograph for every 3 minutes spent in Scotland. Number B.2 Always order 'haggis' when having a meal in a Scottish pub. You won't like it, but it gives the locals a laugh while they tuck into their pie and chips. Number B.3 Go to St Andrews. Park your bus beside the 18th green at the Old Course outside the Royal and Ancient Golf Club. Make sure you all click your cameras as much as possible when someone is trying to putt. Don't worry that you might put the players off by talking, they probably don't understand Japanese. SECTION 3 - SCOTTISH CULTURE The Scottish are a laid back and friendly race, which is why I couldn't be bothered to write any more of this FAQ. Any contributions for future versions are welcomed. GtB