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Hiking
the Appelation Trail:
Jason Torchinsky defends his brand
[
by Jason Torchinsky ]
A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, but a turd by the
name of a rose would still smell like shit. This may not seem a particularly
earth-shaking revelation, but it never hurts to remind ourselves how lucky
we are that we have a different word for pretty much everything. It is
also important to be reminded how words can become more than words; they
can become commodities. The commercial world already understands this,
and is very willing to defend their "rights" to certain words
as much as possible.
  
My name is Jason Torchinsky. As far as names go, "Jason Torchinsky"
is perhaps notable for two reasons: One, its something of an odd
mix of a common, perhaps forgettable, first name, coupled with an ethnic-looking,
rather intimidating mass of pointy and round letters. Hell, according
to an old tape I found, when I was two years old I couldnt even
pronounce it.
The other reason my name is notable is that it is extremely uncommon.
Ive never met another Jason Torchinsky, and the only other Torchinskys
I know at all are members of my own, loud, immediate family. Ive
heard of some other Torchinskys, rumors of one here in Los Angeles, stories
of one in the wilds of Canada, and a few about a Torchinsky named Abraham
who has something to do with a university and a tuba. But Ive always
regarded these stories with the same skeptical but open manner I usually
reserve for aliens and the Loch Ness Monster.
Growing up with an uncommon, hard-to-pronounce name is a lot like being
made to take guitar lessons as a kid: it sucks at the time, but, later
on, you start to appreciate it. (Not that Ive ever had a guitar
lesson, but I imagine it would be nice if I knew how to play.) Sure, each
and every time I got a new teacher, or had to sign up for something I
was forced to endure the manglings of my name, my correction, and, often,
the icy stares back at me, like I made the name up just wanted to showcase
their poor grasp of phonetics.
But, as time went on, I started to like the fact that when people mentioned
Jason Torchinsky, everyone knew who they were talking about, something
which the innumerable Scott Thompsons and Brian Johnsons would never enjoy.
Which is why what I have to say now is all the more shocking: I have found
another Jason Torchinsky. Now Im sure lots of you Lisa Smiths and
Kim Lees may be wondering what the big deal is, but youre just going
to have to try and place yourself in my sweaty shoes. This shouldnt
happen. Its not right.
Thanks to the very mixed blessing of the World Wide Web, I found, last
year, the homepage of the Jason Torchinsky who was not me. And, boy, was
he not me! For example, in college, I was very opposed to stupid student
governments. I found them to be almost universally composed of ninnies
and power-hungry dorks. So, in my column in the school paper, I challenged
one of the more reprehensible members to a public wrestling match in the
center of campus. There were crowds yelling, I won, everyone had a good
time. Now, on the doppelgangers page, I learn that he is a student
at William and Mary and not only holds a post on the student government
but has pledged his summer to working with some conservative senatorial
candidate. Our vast differences of opinion and ways of living make this
an even more serious issue: it has become a branding issue. Ive
spent a good portion of my life establishing who I am via the things I
say, the actions I take, and the work I produce. When people who are at
least somewhat aware of who I am see the Jason Torchinsky name, they know
what to expect. So, to defend my brand, I sent "Jason Torchinsky"
the following letter, written by my friend with a law degree and nothing
better to do with it than write letters like this:
May 8, 1999
Jason Torchinsky
Resident 3882
Staffordshire
Lane Williamsburg, VA 23188-2580
Good sir,
I refer to you as "sir" not because I am ignorant of your name.
I know it well. It is the causa causans of this letter and the name of
my client, Jason Torchinsky: the man upon whose life you have imposed
yourself.
My clients complaint is simple to understand and I hope that you
are an understanding man. Jason Torchinsky was born on June 2, 1971, well
prior to your conception. As my client grew he consistently engaged such
activities as to establish an image and style which he has carefully and
at great personal and out-of-pocket expense put forth to the world via
media including but not limited to magazine and newspaper publishing,
books, creative performances, political campaigns, web publishing, and
his own everyday actions in and out of the workplace. The considerable
amount of time Mr. Torchinsky has invested branding his name vests in
him certain proprietary rights to that name.
It is in the best interests of all parties concerned that you cease and
desist from any further use of my clients name and that a legal
change of your name be conducted in an immediate and timely manner at
your expense. Clearly, your parents knew or should have known that the
name "Jason Torchinsky" could have current ownership but they
failed to research that possibility.
My client realizes that altering your name may seem a burdensome proposition
at this time. However, he feels that such a transition will prove quite
advantageous to you as your world view seems inconsistent with the views
already firmly attached to the name "Jason Torchinsky" and in
the future you may wish to disassociate yourself with these contrasting
views.
A prompt response to cure this situation is expected so that further
action will not be required. If you would like, my client is willing to
provide you with a list of acceptable replacement names to expedite this
process.
Thank you in advance,
Christopher C. Boznos, JD
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