Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? - Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Why can't you find a nice, caring, sensitive guy nowadays?  A: they already have boyfriends
What's the difference between government bonds and men? - Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish? - One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did god say after creating man? - can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? - Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins? - They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those Believe it or not? Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? - A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? - No mind. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm? - Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? - He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives? - They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America? - A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? - To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises? - Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? - Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? - He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation? - It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? - Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity? - 144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? - Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette or Porsche? - The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn? - Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex? - A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? - Filthy and Filthy but Wearable.
Only a man would buy a 500 dollar car and put a 1000 dollar stereo in it.
Why did god create man? - Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? - So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, how sad - a dead bird.The other man looked up and said, where?
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? - To keep the swelling down.
Why do men love computers? - No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
What so you call a lesbian dinosaur? - A licalotapus.
What's the difference between a clitoris and a pub? -	A lot of men can find a pub
How do you keep a man from drowning? - Take your foot off his head!
What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis? Man :)
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? - A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!! 
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? - You only have to punch the data into a computer once.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? - A Computer will go down on you without dinner and a movie.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? - You can not put a 3.5 floppy in a woman
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?? - a computer can't turn a 3.5 floppy into a harddrive in a matter of seconds...
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? - Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
How many men does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the hanger? - No one knows... its never happened
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? - When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How are men like paper cups? - Both are dispensable.
What's the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? - The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How are boyfriends like cockroaches? - They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
How do you keep a man from wanting sex? - You marry him.
What's the difference between men and alley cats? - Men are taller.
How many husbands does it take to change a lightbulb? - We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix? - It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
How are men like public toilets? - They're either taken, Full of shit, or  Out of order 
How are men like parking spaces? - The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a good way to keep a man interested? - Wear perfume that smells like beer.
Why does a man have a hole in the tip of his penis? - To allow the Oxygen to flow to his brain.
Why do men make millions of sperm cells when only one is needed to fertilize the egg? - Have you ever known a man to ask for directions?
What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework? - Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.
What is the difference between a man and E. T.? - At least E. T. phoned home. 
What is the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? - Put the remote control between his toes. 
How do men exercise at the beach? - By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a young woman in a bikini. 
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? - A hot dog and a six pack. 
Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis? - Because they should be. 
Why is it good that there are women astronauts? - When the crew gets lost in space, at least, she will ask for directions. 
What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed? - Move the TV into the bedroom. 
Why do most women fake orgasm? - Because, most men fake foreplay. 
What do you call a sensitive man with half a brain? - Gifted. 
Why is a hard man good to find? - You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego. 
What do men and beer bottles have in common? - They are both empty from the neck up. 
What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement? - More cement. 
What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex? - Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it. 
How do you know when a man has an orgasm? - He rolls over and starts snoring. 
What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper? - I could have done that. 
Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover? - He kept waiting for the swelling to go down. 
Why are men like microwave popcorn? - They're done in seconds. 
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? - They were originally intended for children but it's men who play with them.
Why do men prefer BMW's over Chevrolets? - It's easier to spell. 
How do you get a macho guy to stop calling it The Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod? - Ask, Is it in? 
What's the average man's definition of foreplay? - Unzipping his fly. 
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac? - A cock that stays up all night. 
Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam? - He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease. 
Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three lovemaking positions have to be rated as an imaginative lover. 
Why won't a man make a commitment? - He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels. 
Did you hear about the man that was so dumb that he thought the purpose of an erection was to get rid of the wrinkles in his penis?
What do you call a woman without an asshole? - Single. 
How may men does it take to change a light bulb? - Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergencyroom. 
This woman had a man that was such an animal that when he went to the zoo, he had to buy two tickets. One to get in and one to get out. 
A husband arrived home to find his wife in bed with another man. I don't understand, he shouted. What are you doing,What are you doing? - His wife looked at her lover and said, See, I told you he was dumb. 
Why have they decided to stop circumcising men? - They have discovered they were throwing away the best part. 
The husband came home after his annual physical and told his wife the doctor need a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen sample. That's easy, said the wife. Just give him a pair of your underwear.  
What are the three things men find impossible to do? - 1) Admit they made a mistake. 2) Not fall asleep after sex. 3) Ask for direction when they're lost. 
Why are all dumb blond jokes on-liners? - So men can understand them. 
What do married women do with their asshole every morning? - Dress him up and send him to work. 
Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law. 
If they can send one man to the moon, why can't they send them all. 
The problem with men is that they spend too much time thinking with the wrong head. 
What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend? - Forty-five pounds. 
What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend? - Forty-five minutes. 
What's the best thing about your child turning 13 years of age? - Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
What do you callguys lying on top of one another? - A scrotum pole.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? - He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men like love at first sight? - It saves them a lot of time.
If A woman often thinks of having children. What does a man often think of? - Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? - In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? - A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? - To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? - They stay stuck in adolescence.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? - All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? - At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? - Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women? - Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? - They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? - After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? - Breasts don't have eyes.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? - Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
What is the thinnest book in the world? - What Men Know About Women
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? -	One. Men will screw anything!
What's a man's idea of foreplay? - A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? - He's breathing.
How can you tell if a man is happy? -	Who cares.
What do smart men and UFO's have in common? -	You hear a lot about them, but you never see any.
Why do Australian men cum so fast?? -	So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
Why are men like tiles? - Because if you lay them right the first time you can walk over them the rest of your life.
Why do men name their penises?? - Cuz they can't stand taking orders from a stranger
Why do women fake orgasms? - It's sad watching a grown man cry.
Why do women fake orgasms? - Faking an orgasm will cause a man to cum faster so bad sex is over sooner.
How does a man take a bubble bath? - He eats beans for dinner. 
Why do men were pants? - Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?
Why don't men have PMS? - What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Why do men have dicks? - So they can play with something besides their Leggos
Do you know why women think with their whole brain? -	Cause they don't have penises to carry 1/2 of their brains around in.
Why don't men have to use toilet paper? - Because god made them perfect arseholes
What's a man's idea of a romantic gift that is also practical? - A toaster that glows in the dark.
They say that men only care about sex. - That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about:  (a) power and world domination, (b) money,  (c) beer.
What is a man's worst nightmare? - the Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera, 
What is a man's worst nightmare? - his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it, 
What is a man's worst nightmare? - a female boss, 
What is a man's worst nightmare? - he has to ask his wife for money.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? - Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Plant your own dope, grow your own man
What the most worthless thing on a womens body? - A white guy about 40 years old.
What can lifesavers do that man can't?? - Come in seven colors.
