Spite presents:

This man is trapped under a table. Nothing this cool ever happened to Brian. I Was a Bigger Loser Than I Thought

by Brian Hines

My roommates had some friends over the other night and they were sharing stories of what they got away with in high school. Sneaking out at age 15 and going to a frat parties, taking the car in 8th grade, sneaking into the basement and getting drunk on Gramp’s special sauce before dinner with the family. And then I heard, "What stories do you have Bri?" And the truth is… I had nothing.

Brian once drank an entire Super Big Gulp in one sitting. That was pretty cool. All through high school I was content hanging out with the few good friends I had spending my weekend on sugar highs produced from the products of 7-11, buying other people’s bowling trophies and toupees at tag sales all over town, or just driving to a parks or reservoirs and hanging out. Never once were we in fear of getting in trouble with our parents, teachers, or even the law.

Would never be friends with someone with as boring a past as Brian
Brian's Best Friend
I had the house to myself on many weekends, but I never had a huge John Hughes-esque party. Not because I didn’t know people to invite, but there were other parties going. Better ones than I would have thrown. Saturday night to them meant letting loose, throwing a few back, and getting the house clean before their parents showed up. My Saturday night meant... Saturday Night Live.

'I Want You Back' has got to be one of the best songs ever. Nothing to do with this story, though. I never had a curfew. I was either home or at a friend’s house. And we weren’t building bongs, or doing whip-its. We were watching videos, playing hoops, listening to the Jackson 5, or discussing those topics most urgent to teenagers. Girls, music, girls, and why we were dateless. And this was always done with a smile and in good spirits.

I could have changed things my senior year. It was evident that my acts and hobbies would not lead to invites to the biggest bashes throughout the school year. For God’s sake, I attended a high school of 2300 students, yet only sat with 3 others at my lunch table. I preferred it this way back then, but I didn’t realize what it would lead to: Me being dull and boring.

I never got in a fight. I never got a speeding ticket. I never cheated on anything in college. I never egged a car or a house. I never got detention. I never pulled a fire alarm. I never swore at a teacher. I never plagiarized a paper. And what do I get for playing by the book? Nothing special. Normal job, normal pay, normal car, normal looks, and ears that stick out. And of course, no good stories for parties.

Now all I can do is sit quietly as my fellow peers share "war stories" and show off their "battle scars". Would my story about taking photos of strangers at the mall compare with dodging cops and parents on a drunken walk home at 4 in morning? I think not. Should I make some stories up, should I re-tell ones I’ve heard from other people, or should I just keep quiet?

Hey, Brian: why don't you tell them about your exciting time working for Spite?
Brian's future daughter.
He hopes.(?)

There is no hope for me, my time is over. But there is hope for the future. If by some reason I get married and have a family I fully intend to give my children many opportunities to be deviant and over step their bounds. I will leave the car keys out on the kitchen table when I go to sleep. I’ll keep a ladder long enough to reach my daughter's window in the back yard. I’ll plan business trips for one weekend a month. Hell, I’ll hide the porn in the toy box. This way, my children can have all the opportunities necessary to have a fruitful and successful life, with plenty of stories to tell at gatherings.


Brian recently moved out of the house and got a job.

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