I'm not getting married anytime soon, I'm not even engaged. As a matter of fact, I barely even date. But just in case...

Ray Allen is not related to or a friend of Brian Hines Spite presents:
Hey Ray Allen, Will You Be My Best Man?
by Brian Hines

This idea brewed at a friend's wedding. He had his only brother as the best man, a fantastic choice, but also an easy choice. Who else would he pick? He couldn't pick a buddy from the Army, because that would slight his brother -- his own blood! But I have a different situation. I have two brothers, both equally as important and close to me. There is no possible way I could choose between the two. So, I figured I should pick a person who has also meant much to me in my life, both emotionally and spiritually. You, Ray Allen, the greatest basketball player from the University of Connecticut, and current all star of the Milwaukee Bucks. Will you be my best man?

The bride and groom kiss when the best man dunks. Ray, we went to the University of Connecticut together (and by together I mean my freshman year was your junior year, before you left for the NBA). Remember that time I rollerbladed past you as you talked to somebody else? Those were good times! That bond will last us for the rest of our lives, and because of it I want you to be a part of my wedding, what will be the second greatest day of my life.

Ray, you were an amazing basketball player for those UConn huskies, and those Huskies are by far the most important group of people in my life. I love UConn basketball. Now, hear what I say. I love it. And not in the same way some people "love" chocolate chip cookies. I LOVE it the way I LOVE my closest friends and family, or the way I LOVE having arms. I have a chemical bond with the UConn basketball program, and thus with the best player ever to come out of that program: you, Ray Allen.

You still think I should pick a relative, or perhaps a long-time friend, Ray? Are you kidding me? Have you forgotten your stats from your final year at UConn?

Min FG% 3P% FT% RPG APG PPG
34.7 47.2 46.6 81.0 6.5 3.3 23.4


My old college roommate can't boast those numbers Ray. You are my only choice for best man.

People have questioned how I can stand by someone who left the UConn program a year early to go pro. But Ray, I'm fine with it. You knew it was time to go to the next level, and you're doing great. And for those who think it wasn't a tough decision, they should remember that you were choked up at your press conference announcing your decision, and even shed a tear. Man, I can't wait to hear how touching your toast will be at the reception.

The reception will be held at Gampel Pavilion. I wonder what my bachelor party would be. Ray, you're not the kind of guy who would hire a stripper or take me to a nudey bar. You would probably just get in touch with my good friends, get everyone together for an afternoon of basketball (Hey everyone! I get Ray on my team), and then head out on the town with the whole group for a night of hootin' and hollerin'. And don't feel obligated to pay for the whole thing just because you make about 12 million dollars a year. I'm sure my friend Sean will help out. He works as an IT consultant, and I'm pretty sure he's loaded.

Ray, I know it may not be easy for you to get out to Connecticut since you play basketball in Milwaukee now, but I think I read somewhere that you own a plane. That would be so cool to have a plane at the reception.

Hey Ray, do you want steak, chicken, or a vegetarian meal?

Finally Ray, I know you are still pushing for me to pick one of my brothers. That's so you. How about this. We'll have a three point contest between you, Kevin, and Will. Whoever wins, is the best man. Now, not to count those guys out, but I'm going to need your tuxedo measurements, my friend.

Brian Hines can do a note-perfect impersonation of UConn basketball coach Jim Calhoun.

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