Spite presents:

Private Ryan's
D-Cup Day

by JD

So I went with my girlfriend this weekend to see "Saving Private Ryan". This film was fantastic, on par with "Schindler's List" and "Titanic" in historical quality. It's a movie that I highly recommend. The war scenes were so gruesome, that they kicked "Platoon"'s ass. The first half-hour and the last twenty minutes of the film had the most graphic deaths seen on film since "Faces of Death". I got a little nauseous, but it was mostly from the Olive Garden seafood pasta that we had eaten right before we went. I don't recommend eating Olive Garden seafood pasta (or anything for that matter) and wearing a tight belt before you go to the theatre, especially for this movie or something equally stomach turning like the decompression scene from "Event Horizon" or any scene from "Spice Girls: The Movie".

Spielberg chatting with the gang.
"I want those two knockers," says Spielberg, pointing to the purple-shirted girl (offscreen).

Now, I'm not a filmmaker, nor am I producer, but this was a Steven Spielberg flick. I like Steve. I like his movies. I liked E.T. and I like Animaniacs. But there's something wrong with "Saving Private Ryan" that anyone who saw the movie and is either male and not a homosexual, or is female and a lesbian, might have noticed. The girl in the purple shirt.

Don't get me wrong. The movie was engrossing, and I paid full attention except when I undid the top button of my pants and my belt during the first half hour because I didn't want to relive the pasta. I loved the rest of the movie, but there were two scenes, at the start and at the end of the film that didn't have Tom Hanks or war. And during those times, there was a very attractive teenage girl with a purple shirt which accentuated her already pronounced breasts.

She stood with the rest of the family and her two sisters (or cousins) like a dog from a Disney film. You know the type, the papa dog is talking up front and the puppies meander around in the background and do little nervous, curious things that make you pay attention to them. Well, so did she. And I couldn't stop looking at her, and I'm sure that the rest of the male audience couldn't stop looking at this blonde, breasted teen either.

Mr. Spielberg, this was a bad move. It's something that Craig Kilborne is going to mention on "The Daily Show". Personally Steve, I wouldn't have put her in. There's nothing wrong with teenage girls. There's nothing wrong with teenage girls with noticeable breasts. But there is something wrong with putting them in the "touchy-feely" scenes of a movie that has nothing to do with anyone touching or feeling her. Sure we never got a good look at her face, but I could tell she was cute, and someone the movie could have done without. I think the idea of three girls in the family was great, but her breasts detracted from the scenes.

And I'm betting Matt Damon got in her pants.


This is JD's first contribution to Spitemag. He claims (with a full head of hair) that Rogaine really does work. That, and he made this page all on his own.

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