Tricycle! Wheee!
Spite presents:
Third Wheel
a 500-Word Rant

by Brian Hines




When I tell you that I don't want to be a third wheel it's not because I feel as if I'm being a burden on you. I know you love having me hang out with you. When I decline your invitation to go to hang out and hear about the plans for your reception because I would rather not play third wheel, don't bother saying "Oh we don't think of you as a third wheel!"

I know you don't.

I am the funniest person you know. I own the best DVDs and my CD collection is second to none. I don't care if you leave your shoes on in my apartment.

Now that I think about it, you're the third wheel. Because when I'm bored with watching you stare at each other, you never let me go home. "Why are you leaving so early?" Because as much fun as I'm having watching you two share the same dinner, I can't wait to go home and pour a Big Gulp of battery acid down my pants.

Don't call me and ask if this is written about you. It's not. It's written about everyone on the planet except us single people, who are trapped because all of our friends are couples. I'm serious... all of them... 100 percent. That's why we can't meet anyone. We don't like being 3rd wheels, so we end up staying home. We also don't have a group of single friends to go out with and be normal. A guy in a bar with a bunch of people is just a guy. A guy in a bar by himself is a psychopath. A guy in a bar with you is bored.

Don't tell me what a great catch I am. Don't joke that you're going to break up with your boyfriend and go out with me. And don't set me up with your one single friend who works at Carvel. We're all single for a reason. We're all romantically and emotionally retarded.

If I happen to bring one of my single buddies out with us, don't you dare make the joke that we make a nice couple. But I'm certain you will. If you do, I'll scream at you a 1/8 of an inch away from your face. Now who feels uncomfortable?

If I end up out with you public, don't tell me to go talk to some girl. Just walking up to a random person and starting up a conversation never actually works, only on TV. If I had that kind of confidence, do you think I would be single to begin with? Just let me sit there and watch her drink her Amaretto.

And don't get mad at our jokes about ourselves. It's called a coping mechanism for a reason. However, no matter how many jokes we make about ourselves, you are not allowed to play along. Your jokes are not funny. Just laugh, and continue to pick out linoleum for your kitchen.

Everything is awful.

Brian Hines owns a working Victrola.

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