FROM THE @CME FILES First Order Original material copyright 1994 Jonathan Woodward. This file is available on the Web at "http://www.io.com/~woodward/@cme/". ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [The following is a transcript of one of @cme's customers placing his first order.] Operator: Good afternoon, this is the @cme company. How can we help you? Malcolm Meerkat: Hi, my name is Malcolm Meerkat, and I'd like to place an order. Op: Certainly, sir. Will this be an "average" consumer order, or part of a maniacal quest for self-gratification? MM: Um, the latter, I suppose. Is it relevant? Op: We like to keep track of our customer's needs, sir. It also affects our insurance. MM: Hmm, okay. Well, first off, I need an anvil... Op: What size, sir? MM: Ah, what do you have available? Op: Sir, @cme anvils are available in every size from Anti-Rodent, weighing one-quarter pound, through the "standard" sizes, up to Terraforming. MM: "Terraforming"? Op: Yes, sir. It's generally used for tectonic engineering. MM: Oh. Well, I need one about a foot long. Op: Yes, sir. What else? MM: I need a fan, a standard desktop one... Op: And a hot-air balloon? MM: Why, yes. How did you know? Op: Sir, we've been in this business a long time. Could I recommend a parachute? MM: Why? Op: Just as a precaution, sir. MM: Hmm. Well, okay. Op: Now, would you like that delivered by US Mail, FedEx, or ballistic drop? MM: Ah, ballistic drop? Op: Yes, sir. If you can provide us with your latitude and longitude, or "missile co-ordinates", as we like to call them, we can ship your order from our orbital warehouse to your current location within thirty seconds! MM: Thirty seconds?! Op: Yes, sir. Of course, it arrives at terminal velocity, so you have to be careful not to be _under_ it, but we guarantee your order will survive impact, regardless. MM: Ah, how? Op: Sir, our shipping and packing methods are second to none. Indeed, in most instances, removal of packing material voids the warranty. MM: Oh. Op: Further, if you do opt for ballistic drop, we include a free cellular phone/personal locator with your order, to facilitate future such shipments! MM: Um, that's very helpful. Are you sure this is safe? Op: Sir, "safe" is our greatest product here at @cme. And, sir, if you've never seen a refrigerator, a barrel of super-glue, and one million marbles delivered at meteoric velocities, you're truly missing something. [end transcript]