12.22.02
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What works.

You're sitting around watching a movie or show and a really handsome/beautiful actor or character appears on screen. You turn to your friend, sitting beside you, and whisper, "Yeah, I'd do *him*!". Do you ever think about why?

Probably not. It's a pretty visceral reaction. But if you *did* and you wrote it down, you might be surprised what sorts of stuff you learn about what you like.

First, the list. Arranged, actually, in some order that probably only makes sense to me. Then, what I figured out when I contemplated 'why'.

Robert Smith
Legolas Greenleaf/Orlando Bloom
Stryder/Aragorn
Michael and Nikita
Jack Bauer

Giles/Anthony Stuart Head
Angel
Spike
Riley Finn
Faith/Eliza Dushku
Oz
Lorne

Dave Gilmour
MacGyver
Wil Wheaton
Johnny Depp
Bill Maher

Robert Smith (The Cure)
I think I could make a list of indefinate length of reasons why Robert Smith is hot. The music he writes with the various members of The Cure is mind-blowing. I grew up thinking he was beautiful, and magical, and understood everything. The beauty hasn't faded, even though he's gotten -- as we all do -- older and softer and rounder. But whatever it is that makes him completely knee-weakening is somewhere other than in the flat stomach, chiseled chin, or lithe build of his youth. His hair has gone from buzzed to bouffant and everywhere in between. The skin-tight black jeans have given way to more tailored slacks, or even the middle-aged 'relaxed fit' pants... and yet his songs -- entire albums -- still fill my head with stars. After 20 years only hearing them through stereo speakers, hearing The Cure play live was more experience than I could possibly put into words.

There was more to it than that, of course. It was easily the best night of my life, being so close to such a big influence, in such a perfect place. There was even romance—true love. I never knew the world could feel so amazingly light. And even though I was far up on the hill, and I didn't get to shake his hand or smell his head, just hearing his actual voice in the actual room was blistering in its intensity. I had never felt so alive.

He played my favorite song and I actually began to cry. It's not one that's in their set often, and I wasn't expecting to hear it at all, since he was already near the third encore and had been playing for hours. Someone I loved had his arms around me, and Robert Smith was right there in front of me, playing my favorite song on a perfect night.

I don't know what it is. But he's hot. And he always will be.

I've seen him again twice since then, both times at other shows and only from afar. Still, now, years and years later, it's the biggest rush, the most perfect experience. I can be standing in the mud or getting beer spilt on me by some narcoleptic frat guy, but nothing stops my pulse from racing and the dumbest goofiest grin from nearly splitting my face in two. He's some guy I don't even know, and when he sings I would practically fall down with happiness. Weird.

Legolas Greenleaf/Orlando Bloom, Lord of The Rings & Two Towers & Return of the King
I guess I've had a thing for elves all along -- Legolas was my favorite when I read the books, and in D&D I'd always want to be at least half-elven. (Once I ended up playing the brute squad, and that was much less interesting.)

The first man I ever loved had vaguely elvish features -- until the years turned his eyes harder and sunk in his cheeks in a vague living death. But even then, he just looked like an dark elf, and even that was still really hot. So it doesn't surprise me that the handsome Orlando Bloom, when dressed up with glycerin ears and a beautiful longbow, makes a right attractive Prince of Mirkwood. It didn't surprise me to find myself looking forward to Two Towers, so I can -- as my roommate says -- "ogle the hot-elf". Elves, in general, are hot. (Added note: I've now seen the movie. Elves are -- still -- way hot. Love the Elvish Army. LOVE.)

They're wicked strong, and wicked magical, and, well, Tolkien pretty much says it outright -- as fair as the fairest men, and then some -- wicked handsome. Add the whole bit about immortality and the most excellent hooded garb, jewelry, and embroidery... and I don't think you can get much more prettier.

But I was relatively bemused to discover, upon seeing some portraits of the actor without his ears and long blonde hair (and then catching him in the intensely pleasing Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl), that he seems every bit as physically magnetic. His eyes, even brown instead of blue (though they're sometimes brown in the movie, too...), just seem somehow... of the woods. Not to mention that, in his spare time, he apparently jumps off of bases or out of airplanes. And he has a fantastic tattoo. Now that's hot.

Michael and Nikita, La Femme Nikita (Roy Dupuis and Peta Wilson)
This couple is incendiary. I don't know whether it's the gadgets, the gizmos, or the constantly gut-wrenching situations... but nothing is hotter on cable TV than Section 1. LFN moved to Oxygen (which was somewhat surprising, given the heavy sexual content and violence) not too long ago, and I've been watching it often ever since.

The New Year's Day marathon, in conjunction with the TiVo that Sandy Claws brought, means I'm now caught up -- I know what happens. And I've seen the entire thing play out, great staring contests stung with sexual tension. Does he love her, truly? Does she love him, really? Lady and the Tiger at its most erotic.

Michael is brooding (see Angel entry, below) and quiet. A definate bad-boy. And, again, bonus points for dressing mostly in black. Not to mention the little fact that he is a valentine operative -- perfectly trained in the art of seduction and romance (as my roommate likes to remind me). Even if you don't know it's truly for you, at least the pasta is al dente and you always get off. Not to mention the fitness level. Mental, physical. He's a superhero.

Nikita is bleached blonde and Amazonian, the former usually a turn-off and the latter quite attractive. (Women who are strong and muscular are far more appealing than the waif look.) She is beautiful, with high, stark cheekbones and ice-blue Nordic eyes. The mental checkbox is more than filled, as the character is the moral center in a very immoral world. The keeper of dreams in a nightmare kingdom. The tow-haired angel. It's hard not to love her, even for the Bad Guys (tm) on screen, impossible for the audience privy to her innermost thoughts.

And Michael's fierce love for her -- love amid the most virulent of evils, even -- is quite admirable. Watching the pair being batted around like puppets by Section, almost wild animals pacing around the edges of cages. It's something raw, what passes between these two characters. We think, sometimes, that we know what it is to sacrifice for your lover. To give them the last piece of cake, or the first hot shower in the winter. But how many of us will ever know -- really -- that someone would die for you? The fact that Nikita and Michael know that beyond a shadow of a doubt is somewhat humbling. And quite hot.

Anthony Stuart Head/Giles, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer [BtVS]
Maybe it's just the librarian fetish, or that I like smart people, or the British accent. Could be any of these, I imagine, since any one would do. The combination is pretty potent. Add to that a dry sense of humor and a droll smile, with lines that some of the best comedy writers on television are behind... and he's quite appealing.

The reason he's listed as "Tony" and as his character is that his persona seems to bear out the character written for him. Though he is perhaps lacking Giles' wild I-Spent-the-60s-in-an-Electric-Kool-Aid-Funky-Satan-Groove past... he seems to have quite a colorful background himself, and everything I've ever seen in the press seems just as lovely. Making both the character and the actor every bit as appealing as they are... appealing. I certainly don't discount the fact that, despite the age difference, I find him to be quite a handsome man. And that was long before I saw him play a rogue MI-6 agent on BBC's "Spooks" (US title, MI-5).

Even in the Folgers commercials and the Ecstasy-homage CD he put out this past year (Music for Elevators)... he's still quite Gilesish. And quite loveable.

Angel, from BtVS & Angel (David Boreanez)
I debated on this one quite a bit, as to whether or not David alone was sufficient... or if the absence of some sort of hemolytic sickness would leave him lacking.

My answer, when considered carefully, was that a big part of what I found hot about Angel was the fangy bits. I admit it, I do find the idyllic representation of vampirism (Buffy, Anne Rice, even to some extent the older Draculas and Nosferatu, as well as the current RPG versions) quite erotic. And before anyone elicits a big ol' 'ewww' over that one, think about this for a minute:

""Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood screaming inside you to work its will."

Joss Whedon (and his team of writers) wrote that line, for a fictional character in a fictional world, but I think it is a reflection of what really is.

Those things are all tied together; sex is a lot more visceral than most people would like to profess. It's blood and pain and flesh and pleasure... and goo. It's sweat and blood. Teeth and bone. Vampires just take it a step further. They go straight for the jugular rather than bothering with the symbolism.

And then there's the ages of art surrounding the genre -- the capes and cloaks and sweeping gestures. Dark mind control and midnight princes. That's sexy. It was meant to be.

Angel is sexy. The leather, the gear, the billowing trenchcoat. The swords and battle-axes, picks and cross-bows. Accessories to feed the -- noticing a theme here? -- superman fetish. Even in his casual outfits -- though casual is never quite the word -- he's dangerous wildness. Barely controlled rage. The demonic head of a demon super-Firm.

And the difficulty with David is that he dresses the part, at least as far as professional engagements go. The brooding stare, the black leather jacket, the fitted slacks... all that is still there for the most part, wherever he goes on stage and off. If you took that away -- crammed his ample backside into a pair of Docker's and put him on the lawn at the local children's park... I think the baleful stare would seem more... daft than dapper.

Not that he wouldn't be worth a second look -- even in yuppie pants, he'd garner a backward glance. But Angel requires rapt attention. The black and leather is nice, and so is the skulk. Not to mention the martial arts skills, plus the super strength and keenest senses. Don't forget the fact that he is a tortured soul, a reformed bad boy truly TRULY repentant and on a genuinely good path. Remember, he is a champion. Certainly that qualifies. Hot.

Riley Finn from BtVS (Marc Blucas)
Though Riley is not sexier than Angel (in fact, I'd order them the opposite), it is still interesting to note that they both *are* attractive. For the simple fact that Angel and Riley are pretty much exact opposites in every department that I considered to gauge hot-ness.

Where Angel was bad, Riley was purely good. Where Angel was morose, Riley chipper. Where Angel was unbearably guilted, Riley was ignorant. And where Angel closed down and ran away, Riley opened up and tried anything to get through.

Riley was loyal and wholesome. He was faithful and true, even though the truth he sought was sanguine and dangerous. He loved Buffy dearly -- as much as either of her dark princes -- and would have been whatever and wherever she wanted.

I know the popular sentiment is that the good guy never gets the girls -- and of my Buffy-watching campadres, I'm definately the only Riley-fan, so perhaps there is some truth there. But I, for one, applauded Riley's loyalty and openness. Sure, he fucked Faith and got sucked on by a vampire hooker, but (a) she was wearing Buffy's body and (b) Buffy did it too (both with Angel and with Dracula).

Plus he's buff, and blonde, and knows how to keep his cool when things go crazy. And in the last episode he appeared in, he was whisked away in a black helicopter. How nifty -- I wonder if he would know about the aliens?

Oz from BtVS (Seth Green)
With Oz, it's almost all about the sentiment, so I suppose this should really be credited to the screenwriters who gave Seth such amazingly funny and poignant lines. Not that Seth Green isn't adorable, but adorable isn't quite the same as hot. (But, Seth, if you're out there -- my *roommate* does think you're hot, so this is entirely subjective.)

Oz is, in every way, the most perfect boy. Joss & Co. had him say the least of anyone, but every syllable was frighteningly deep.

He responded honestly to everyone, and was the joker from the back of the class in high school, only with adult verve and vocabulary. And intelligent. Proven quite handily in the episode he and Willow meet, as they are both singled out by the Man based on their intelligence test scores. Genius is always intriguing.

Although it usually comes with a price in social comfort -- a price Oz (being fictional) doesn't have to pay. Oz is the standoffish drummer in the popular band 'Dingoes Ate My Baby', and as such has a level of cool far beyond anyone else. The kind of cool that recognized Willow for what she would be, instead of what she was.

That was it, too. His attentions to Willow were extraordinary, even to the end when he gave her up to protect her from himself. Nobleness is intriguing. And Oz was noble. Whereas Angel's goodness came from his heart, and Spike's came from the chip (and his groin), Oz remained good even as the animal fought inside.

Keifer Sutherland (Jack Bauer in 24; Lost Boys, Young Guns, etc.)
I recently re-discovered the wonders of this lost boy, and he doesn't even have to be a vampire. I pick him entirely against type -- he looks much like an unpleasant person I know -- but that does not seem to matter. Jack Bauer, the broken hero, is quite an attraction.

He is tortured. He has gadgets and power, like Nikita and Michael and Angel and Riley. He is on the side of good, even if it is good with the temptation for evil. I suppose that is how power comes to us, though. But, again, he is willing to sacrifice himself for not only love, but love and country. The first is romantic and the second sort of strange, but it does indeed make Jack Bauer another Champion.

Lorne (from Angel)
Yeah, he's a demon. And, yeah, he's green and has horns and wears polyester pants. But he sings showtunes and has magical powers. I'm probably really weird, but he's really cool, dammit. I say no limitations.

Stryder/Aragorn, LOTR trilogy (Viggo Mortensen)
My roomie favors Viggo over Orlando, which works out nicely for division of movie schwag. And I admit to seeing his charm. However, I'm really only taken with the character, and not the man. Though the man shows promise, given his particular, uh, skill.

It's the swordplay. Ever since Farmboy Westly fought Inigo Montoya on the Cliffs of Insanity, the only battle between two living wizards that time can remember... fencing has seemed like a very engaging fetish. I gather that it's all about penises, and perhaps on an undeniable subconscious level, that is what I see. But nonetheless, fencing is a good way to this girl's heart.

And both Stryder and Viggo possess the skill. According to the behind-the-scenes LOTR documentaries, Viggo was easily the most skilled fencer of the assembled cast, and that's saying quite a bit.

On-screen, of course, he is the consummate swordsman and nobility to boot. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildor. And I'm sure I didn't spell all that correctly. The title rolls off the tongue in a way that is sexy on its own. Another champion.

Dave Gilmour from Pink Floyd
Anyone who can play a guitar like that is dead sexy and entirely fuckable, no matter what the age difference.

MacGyver/Richard Dean Anderson
My childhood crush, still just the handsomest gadget man. I've never gotten into Stargate SG-1, but I'll still occasionally leave it on the tv so that I can catch him in his cute little jumpsuit.

I used to have a MacGyver poster on my wall growing up. Other girls had Menudo and NKOTB... I had Angus. Strange, but true. Once again, intelligence as a byway to attraction.

Faith/Eliza Dushku from BtVS
She's bad. Really really bad. And really, really hot.

Like Oz, Faith is helped greatly by the writing of Whedon & Co. Her lines are acid drenched, and her evil runs quite deep. As does her cunning. Again with the brains -- quite attractive in an evil nemesis.

But nothing she ever blew up or betrayed was as heart-rending as her last battle with Angel -- the one with the struggle for her soul. It was raining, and they both wore their tightest black leathers. The fight was brutal and vicious and beautifully choreographed, as this Universe's fights always are. It ended much as things do with Angel -- his propensity to stand in the way as the fury plays out makes him much like Michael. Perhaps Faith is a more broken version of Nikita.

This is not to say that the fisticuffs of Faith vs. Buffy are anything to be taken lightly. The trickery that goes down in the triangle, to uncover the plans of the mayor, ends in a vicious but beautiful battle between the two slayers. If words can be visceral, these are, and their companion actions twice as bloody.

And that is the case with Faith. She fights raw, she craves power, she fears nothing and everything at the very same time. The pouty lips and amazing body don't exactly hurt, either. But what makes her smoulder is the right hook, then the left, then the creeping smile that shows she enjoys it. Sure, it's wrong, but it's so good to be bad sometimes.

Spike from BtVS (James Marsters)
Vampire, British accent, Joss Whedon's writing. That's pretty much all there is to it. No question about it.

Spike says some of the most beautiful, heartbreaking things. He is perhaps the most emotional character in the series, so much so that it overwhelms his soullessness -- driving him to the point of restoration just in the hopes of *attempting* to restore mere affability with his desired amor.

Spike, more so than anyone else, gets it. Even Angel, wise as he is, sometimes ignores the obvious for the preferable. Spike sees the passion and the blood in life. He sees the connections and he understands the currencies of power. He is always the one with the emotional answer, and he knows more than anyone else about Love.

His poet's roots are admirable. His lack of emotional control is endearing. And anyone who can pull off Billy Idol is worth something, and in the Buffyverse Spike is the parent of Idol's appearance. How magnificent.

It has been several seasons since William and Drusilla peeled into Sunnyvale. In that time, a girlfriend of mine has gone from finding him a total pest, to enamourment entire. What's changed? He gained a soul. But in some ways like Oz -- even when he was at a loss for one, he still showed particular self-control in the interest of his loved ones. "I made a promise to a lady" leads to "I saw a man about a girl". Indeed.

Wil Wheaton
I'm pretty honest about it -- I'm one of the approximately 15 Star Trek fans who actually liked Wesley Crusher. I loved Gates McFadden particularly, and enjoyed the Wesley storylines as much as anything else, since they almost always involved Wesley's mom, too.

He wasn't in a lot of stuff after that -- that I saw anyway -- but he somehow managed (like the rest of us digital nomads) to find the internet. And he's actually a pretty funny guy. He's married and all -- quite happily it seems from his blogs -- but that doesn't particularly change the way I always percieved him over the years. I always wanted to have a friend like Wesley.

On TNG he was affable and friendly, the goodly character actor that befriended even the ugly, different, and strange. The un-real kid. He was gawky around the same time I was, making decisions as I did. So I felt a strange kinship, even though he was... well... on TV. It was a pleasant coming-of-age for the relatively quiet child he played in The Body adaptation, and he grew quite handsome as he began to fill out his Starfleet uniform.

Ok, so maybe he's not really somuch hot anymore as someone who used to be hot and is now just cute and cool?

Bill Maher
Remember something I said earlier about intelligence being really attractive? Smarts, for certain, Bill Maher has in spades. He is also in possession of another greatly underrated asset, humor. Dry, vicious and sarcastic, the martini of the funnyman world. I love it.

And, apparently, so do many others. Maher is a frequent visitor at the Playboy mansion, and often accompanied to showbiz events with some of the industry's most beautiful (if a bit bimbo-y) women. I'd assume -- from his personal banter -- that he does get a bit of play. Good for him. He's got confidence, perhaps there is skill to go with it. That's attractive, too.

I'm not sure what it is, beyond that. Perhaps I think he would keep a girl laughing all night long, and that in and of itself is enticing.

Johnny Depp
Zany eccentric with age-defying glass-cutting cheekbones. I mean, c'mon. Give credit where credit is due.



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