12.13.02
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Nothing Personal: A humor writing contest I never entered.

Salon's a great read, and I especially enjoy their entertainment section. It's all the trades for someone who has no time to follow all the trades. Every year's end, one of their columnists had a survey-cum-column-filler, and though I never sent it in, I thought the exercise was a good one. In any case, I had fun with it.

  1. In 2002, Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton headed to Splitsville scant moments after loudly proclaiming their undying love for each other. One possible reason for their split: differing priorities after Jolie decided to adopt a child. Which continuously cooing celebrity couple do you suspect will unceremoniously part ways in the year ahead, and what will precipitate the split?

    Courtney Cox and David Arquette: "She started wearing anti-perspirant," Arquette told Barbra Walters. "Not just deodorant... she didn't want to smell at all. That was when I knew things had changed."
    Brad Pit and Jennifer Aniston: Pitt leaves the marital bed for a road tour with ZZ Top.
    Justin Timberlake and Alyssa Milano: Milano bows out of the love nest after discovering the secret stash of "Who's the Boss" slash pornography on his iBook.
    Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker: Paternity tests reveal that Mr. Big is the father of Sarah's baby.
    Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar: He can't cope with the fact that she can majorly kick his ass.


  2. In 2002, Russell Crowe mixed it up with a New Zealand businessman, a British award-show producer and countless others -- before deciding to take a timeout, go home and recover his senses in the company of his family, friends and livestock. Which celebrity bad boy/girl do you think is most due for a Crowe-like trip to the timeout chair -- and what do you think will prompt the retreat?

    Sean "Puffy" Combs: The impending birth of J.Lo and Ben's first child sends Combs into a nesting frenzy. He buys an orphanage and sets all the kids free right outside the Affleck manse.


  3. In 2002, Whitney Houston finally 'fessed up to a heap of addictions, though she'd rather we not use that word to describe her penchant for pills, booze, sex and various other things. Which celebrity do you think is ripe to make a similar public confession of addiction and what will he/she confess an addiction to?

    Nick Nolte: Jolt cola. Swears the mug shot was after consuming a 6-pack of the caffinated stuff while trying to home-bleach his hair.
    Tom Hanks: Smack. Robin Wright Penn got him hooked. The Academy discovers Forrest's slack-jawed look was *not* fine acting and retracts his award.
    Courtney Love: Macrame. Denies former bandmates accusations, then gets caught backstage with an owl wall-hanging.
    Madonna: Confesses sex addiction; Pope declares her altar a holy relic.


  4. In 2002, Winona Ryder was convicted of swiping pricey duds from Saks Fifth Avenue. Which other celebrity do you most suspect of landing on the wrong side of the law in the coming year -- and what do you think he/she will stand accused of?

    Kathy Lee Gifford: Stalking Regis Philbin.



  5. In 2002, Christina Aguilera transformed herself from girlish bubblegum pop star to supertrashy dirrty girl. Who do you think will undergo a similarly drastic transformation in the year ahead and what will he/she change into?

    Eminem: Slim Shady takes over as host of 'Blue's Clues' after Brother Joe is gunned down gangland style.
    Haley Joel Osmet: Haley Joel Osmet Uncut
    Madonna: will go back to being Madonna


  6. In 2002, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck went from costars to lovers to fiancees in no time flat -- and Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley went from lovers to spouses to ex-spouses even more quickly. Which celebrities do you think will hook up to make unlikely yet strangely compelling duos in the upcoming year?

    Kelly Osbourne and [some random punk band drummer]
    Anna Nicole Smith and David Eggers: She actually reads Pynchon for fun; the stupid act just hauls in the dough. Eggers is set up on a blind date by his agent. Hilarity ensues.
    Ellen Degeneres and Bobby Trendy: Noone's more of a girly girl than Bobby.


  7. In 2002, Michael Jackson dangled his baby off a Berlin balcony. Which celebrity do you think will shock the world with similarly wacky parental behavior in the year ahead, and what will he/she do?

    Angelina Jolie: Adopts 15th through 37th children. Appears to be going for a complete set -- one from every country in the world.
    Michael Jackson: Claims fourth child, "Prince Michael Jackson Also", was gestated in an artificial womb inserted where his internal organs used to be.
    Ted Nugent: Shoots, kills, eats, and stuffs own son.


  8. In 2002, we saw the frightening rise of celebrity reality TV, with everyone from Anna Nicole Smith to Liza Minnelli and David Gest cashing in -- or at least trying to cash in -- on the Osbourne phenomenon. Which celebrity would you most like to watch go about their daily lives on TV -- and what would you hope to catch him/her doing?

    Jamie Oliver: getting a midnight snack, buck naked by the fridge light.
    Al Gore: reading a comic book in the can
    George Bush: throwing himself against the locked door of the White House wine cellar.


  9. In 2002, Susan Sarandon expressed a wish to be honored by the state of New Jersey by having a highway rest stop named after her. Which celebrity would you most like to see honored by his/her home state and what would you have them name after him/her?

    Howard Stern: Rename the block of public housing where the hookers congregate "Howard Stern Promenade"


  10. In 2002, Moby got beaten up by an angry mob (OK, by three guys, who maybe had mace) -- and (rather pathetically) blamed himself for inviting the beating. Which celebrity do you suspect is cruising for a bruising in the coming year?

    Eminem: Disses Chris Kirkpatrick one time too many -- is disemboweled by a mob of prepubescent girls at a mall in Poughkeepsie.


Bonus question: Which celebrity should get this year's special award for paying most cloying, continuous public tribute to his/her spouse?

Tom Cruise. He acted like a gent when he so clearly was a heel. Oh, wait, you said 'award' not 'giant boot to the head for being a dumbass and a prick'. Sorry.



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