STEMPENIU: A JEWISH ROMANCE
- SHOLOM ALEICHEM
CORAL AGAIN
When Rachel came home with her coral necklace, her mother-in-law took
her over to the father-in-law, smiling so happily as though she had won
God knows what.
"What do you say to these beads, Isaak-Naphtali? A bargain, honestly,
a fantastic bargain!"
Isaak-Naphtali went up to Rachel, took a hard look, like a real expert,
sniffed, and then asked:
"What did you pay for them?"
"See if you can guess, you're a businessman, so to speak. Well, c'mon,
try and guess," said Dvosse-Malke with a smile.
"I can't tell whether they were expensive or cheap."
"If I say it's a bargain, silly, then it's a bargain, a real steal!
Believe me, I did enough dickering and haggling with that cheating bitch,
that musician's wife, may she drop dead! Oh boy, can she ever bargain,
she's a real market woman. The devil only knows where and when she got
her training! And what a mouth she's got, an acid tongue, pure filth, and
when she talks to a customer, she foams like boiling milk - I hope she
kicks the bucket, that lousy bitch! . . . Well, cat got your tongue, Isaak-Naphtali?
C'mon, let's hear your expert opinion, what do you think the coral should
cost?"
"What this coral should cost?" repeated Isaak-Napthli, stroking his
beard. "Now, let's see, these beads should cost, about, well about - Wait,
I'll tell you exactly how much, I don't want to make a mistake - a bargain,
you say, a bargain? Well, if it's a bargain, then you paid no less than
five and a half rubles, but it's worth a full seven."
"Asshole!" Dvosse-Malke shot out like a cannon, and Isaak-Naphtali
quaked and stepped aside. "You asshole! You shithead! A coral necklace
like this - five and a half rubles? You crazy idiot! A deaf mute wouldn't
have said that in a year! Don't you have eyes in your head? Take a good
look, you big moron!"
And Dvosse-Malke grabbed Rachel's hand, pulled her over to her father-in-law,
pushed up Rachel's head, and showed Isaak-Naphtali the bargain, while spouting
insults and curses. Poor Isaak-Naphtali sniffed and blinked, afraid to
say a word. Until God took pity on him and in walked Moyshe-Mendel with
his cane, he was coming from the marketplace - and now he began estimating
the price of the beads on Rachel's lovely white throat and he guessed they
must have cost in the neighborhood of three rubles .... Dvosse-Malke blazed
up in such fury that she practically burst out crying like a little child,
she was grief-stricken that no one understood what a big bargain she had
gotten and perhaps she was heart-broken that Stempeniu's wife had so grossly
deceived her.
"And you call yourself a businessman?!" she shouted at Moyshe-Mendel.
"You're as big an expert as your father! Three rubles, sonny-boy? Why not
less?!"
"Because they're not worth more, they're very plain beads. I've seen
coral beads in my time, Mama. You can believe me, I've seen really valuable
coral necklaces . . . ."
All day long, the three of them argued and bickered about the coral
necklace.
"You'd give me a lot more pleasure if you shot a bullet into my heart,"
screamed Dvosse-Malke, "rather than saying 'five and a half 'to me! Okay,
let her cheat me, the bitch, I hope she gets the plague - no one's ever
cheated me! - Fine, I hope God strikes her dead, her and that Stempeniu
of hers. But why pour salt into my wounds and say 'five and a half' to
me? You and your goddamn 'five and a half'! I hope she gets five and a
half dozen boils on her body and five and a half fevers in her liver! I
swear, I'm going to get my money and my blood back from her, like from
a (log's teeth! You can believe me! But how can you torment me with 'five
and a half'!"
The whole scene was so unpleasant for our Rachel that she took the coral
beads from her throat and hid them deep, deep down in a chest, intending
never to wear them again as long as she lived. The thing that annoyed our
Rachel most was that Moyshe-Mendel was so absorbed in fighting with his
mother over
the beads that he didn't even come over to Rachel as he should have
done, as is right and proper, to say: "Wear them in good health." They
had led her around by the hand all day and peered at her necklace as if
inspecting a cow, everyone stepped over to her, pushed up her head, touched
the beads - and ignored her completely .... Rachel, who was not nasty or
bad-tempered by nature, was furious at everybody all day long, arid especially
at Moyshe-Mendel. This fine fellow thoroughly enjoyed his lunch and then
trotted off to synagogue. And since there was a party there that evening
to celebrate the completion of the study of a talmudic tractate, Moyshe-Mendel
remained from after evening prayers until dawn, as he did quite often.
Rachel felt altogether ill and angry. Her face blazed like an infernal
fire, her head was splitting, her ears were buzzing and whistling. She
didn't understand what was wrong with her.... At suppertime, she couldn't
eat a bite. Naturally, Dvosse-Malke nagged her to eat more, to drink more
- but it was no use. Rachel went to her room with red eyes, quickly undressed,
lay down in her bed, and then all at once, a flood of tears burst from
her eyes - hot, burning tears, and so many, so many.
 
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