The Shtetl: A CREATIVE ANTHOLOGY OF JEWISH LIFE IN EASTERN EUROPE
Translated and edited by Joachim Neugroschel
 
STEMPENIU: A JEWISH ROMANCE  - SHOLOM ALEICHEM

CORAL AGAIN

When Rachel came home with her coral necklace, her mother-in-law took her over to the father-in-law, smiling so happily as though she had won God knows what.
"What do you say to these beads, Isaak-Naphtali? A bargain, honestly, a fantastic bargain!"
Isaak-Naphtali went up to Rachel, took a hard look, like a real expert, sniffed, and then asked:
"What did you pay for them?"
"See if you can guess, you're a businessman, so to speak. Well, c'mon, try and guess," said Dvosse-Malke with a smile.
"I can't tell whether they were expensive or cheap."
"If I say it's a bargain, silly, then it's a bargain, a real steal! Believe me, I did enough dickering and haggling with that cheating bitch, that musician's wife, may she drop dead! Oh boy, can she ever bargain, she's a real market woman. The devil only knows where and when she got her training! And what a mouth she's got, an acid tongue, pure filth, and when she talks to a customer, she foams like boiling milk - I hope she kicks the bucket, that lousy bitch! . . . Well, cat got your tongue, Isaak-Naphtali? C'mon, let's hear your expert opinion, what do you think the coral should cost?"
"What this coral should cost?" repeated Isaak-Napthli, stroking his beard. "Now, let's see, these beads should cost, about, well about - Wait, I'll tell you exactly how much, I don't want to make a mistake - a bargain, you say, a bargain? Well, if it's a bargain, then you paid no less than five and a half rubles, but it's worth a full seven."
"Asshole!" Dvosse-Malke shot out like a cannon, and Isaak-Naphtali quaked and stepped aside. "You asshole! You shithead! A coral necklace like this - five and a half rubles? You crazy idiot! A deaf mute wouldn't have said that in a year! Don't you have eyes in your head? Take a good look, you big moron!"
And Dvosse-Malke grabbed Rachel's hand, pulled her over to her father-in-law, pushed up Rachel's head, and showed Isaak-Naphtali the bargain, while spouting insults and curses. Poor Isaak-Naphtali sniffed and blinked, afraid to say a word. Until God took pity on him and in walked Moyshe-Mendel with his cane, he was coming from the marketplace - and now he began estimating the price of the beads on Rachel's lovely white throat and he guessed they must have cost in the neighborhood of three rubles .... Dvosse-Malke blazed up in such fury that she practically burst out crying like a little child, she was grief-stricken that no one understood what a big bargain she had gotten and perhaps she was heart-broken that Stempeniu's wife had so grossly deceived her.
"And you call yourself a businessman?!" she shouted at Moyshe-Mendel. "You're as big an expert as your father! Three rubles, sonny-boy? Why not less?!"
"Because they're not worth more, they're very plain beads. I've seen coral beads in my time, Mama. You can believe me, I've seen really valuable coral necklaces . . . ."
All day long, the three of them argued and bickered about the coral necklace.
"You'd give me a lot more pleasure if you shot a bullet into my heart," screamed Dvosse-Malke, "rather than saying 'five and a half 'to me! Okay, let her cheat me, the bitch, I hope she gets the plague - no one's ever cheated me! - Fine, I hope God strikes her dead, her and that Stempeniu of hers. But why pour salt into my wounds and say 'five and a half' to me? You and your goddamn 'five and a half'! I hope she gets five and a half dozen boils on her body and five and a half fevers in her liver! I swear, I'm going to get my money and my blood back from her, like from a (log's teeth! You can believe me! But how can you torment me with 'five and a half'!"

The whole scene was so unpleasant for our Rachel that she took the coral beads from her throat and hid them deep, deep down in a chest, intending never to wear them again as long as she lived. The thing that annoyed our Rachel most was that Moyshe-Mendel was so absorbed in fighting with his mother over
the beads that he didn't even come over to Rachel as he should have done, as is right and proper, to say: "Wear them in good health." They had led her around by the hand all day and peered at her necklace as if inspecting a cow, everyone stepped over to her, pushed up her head, touched the beads - and ignored her completely .... Rachel, who was not nasty or bad-tempered by nature, was furious at everybody all day long, arid especially at Moyshe-Mendel. This fine fellow thoroughly enjoyed his lunch and then trotted off to synagogue. And since there was a party there that evening to celebrate the completion of the study of a talmudic tractate, Moyshe-Mendel remained from after evening prayers until dawn, as he did quite often.
Rachel felt altogether ill and angry. Her face blazed like an infernal fire, her head was splitting, her ears were buzzing and whistling. She didn't understand what was wrong with her.... At suppertime, she couldn't eat a bite. Naturally, Dvosse-Malke nagged her to eat more, to drink more - but it was no use. Rachel went to her room with red eyes, quickly undressed, lay down in her bed, and then all at once, a flood of tears burst from her eyes - hot, burning tears, and so many, so many.

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