This is strong screenwriting. What makes it work?EXT. DECK - EARLY MORNING The sky is bright. The deck quiet; scarcely populated. Charlotte climbs the ship to fix a mast. She sees the figurehead -- the pale white seahawk with wings thrust back against the bow, its head extended forward, beak open wide in a scream. The bow dips. The beak drops and drops again into the sea, coming up each time with foam streaming like a rabid dog. Charlotte appears spooked by the image. She freezes in motion. A sudden plunge of the ship almost tumbles her seaward. She continues her climb. Charlotte reaches a stopping point. She steadily takes a knife from her pocket, leans forward and begins to cut. The whitewashed sky is enveloped in crystalline silence. An occasional bird can be seen in the course of graceful flight. Charlotte's knife cuts the line freely -- perhaps too much so. The remaining strands snap with a crack. The sail booms out, flicking at her cutting hand. The knife flies into the sea. Charlotte gasps and lunges for it. The bowsprite plunges and she starts to fall. By chance, she is able to catch onto the bowspite itself. Charlotte is left hanging, feet dangling. She is only a few feet above the rushing sea. The Seahawk plunges again and again. Charlotte is dunked to her waist and then chest. She tries to swing herself up to hook her feet over, but cannot. The sea keeps snatching her, trying to pull her down. She dangles there kicking wildly, uselessly. Twice her head goes under. Blinded, she swallows water and chokes. The ship heaves skyward. With all of her might, she swings her legs up and wraps them about the bowspite. The Seahawk plunges again. Charlotte goes into the tearing sea, clutching the spar. Then up. She uses the momentum to swing over. She lands on top of the bowspite. Charlotte straddles it, then lies on it. A few sailors begin to notice the trouble. One dashes to alert the crew at the helm to slow the ship. We hear the sailor yell, "slow the ship!" as he runs. The ship shifts course and slows. It ceases to plunge. Charlotte gasps for breath and spits seawater. She is able to pull herself along the bowspite and finally, by stepping on the wooden bird's head, climb over the rail. Mr. Grimes bursts forth to help Charlotte. He pulls her on deck. Mr. Grimes gives Charlotte an enthusiastic hug.
Strong verbs. Strong imagery. Dramatic movement and building tension within the scene itself. All presented "vertically" with lots of white space to open up the action, giving it the feel of the flow of a movie, rather than the "horizontal" experience of reading a book.
Perhaps the hardest thing to do as a screenwriter is to create "a voice," a writing style, in the way the term is applied to fiction writers. But this is something to strive for. Here is a former student of mine who does a good job of it. Screenwriting with style.
Example of poor screenwriting.
7/00