Script Changes - Act One


1:

This "establishment shot" needs to be a little clearer, I think:

     Washington D.C. and its landmarks, such as the Lincoln 
     Memorial, the Vietnam Memorial Wall, etc., ending on the White 
     House on a picture postcard sunny day.

2:

Two problems here. The President and First Lady are presented genericly, without names. They must become people - so the first task is to give them names. Also, the scene can be established better.

     JOHN BAXTER, 50s, the President of the United States, and his wife, 
     GWEN, 40s, the First Lady, sit at opposite ends of a long table.
     They're dressed for work, looking like hosts at a party with no 
     guests.

3:

The scene starts in the middle of an action, which is great. However, it's a bit confusing about what has happened, which is easily fixed:

                           JOHN
              That's all I can tell you, Gwen.  Please 
              drop it.

Now we know it was something she said.

4:

This exchange can be sharpened considerably - and cut at the same time. Prior, in the action description, why say "someone" when I mean her?

     She looks like she's ready to explode.
 
                             GWEN
               I won't drop it.

                             JOHN
               Gwen, you've lived in this city own long enough
               to know how vicious rumors can get.  In 
               many ways, you're still the farm girl from 
               Nebraska, aren't you?  You're gullible as hell.

5:

A First Lady doesn't use a dish.

     Suddenly, with a single sweep of her arm, Gwen knocks her plate
     and coffee cup to the floor.

6:

Her anger is in process, not a completion.

     She quickly stands, temper rising on her cheeks.

7:

These actions are more continuous.

     As she walks quickly out of the room, the President gets up from 
     the table.

8:

Awkward phrasing.

     She's gone.  THOMAS, 40s, a servant, enters the room.

9:

I can do more to communicate the President's emotional state here.

                                JOHN
                The First Lady had an accident.  We need 
                to get this cleaned up right away, Thomas.

                                THOMAS
                Yes, sir.  Will you be finishing your breakfast?

                                JOHN
                I don't think so.

10:

"The driveway" makes this description too site specific. The director might have a better way to film this.

     Two men stand by an older model car parked across the street 
     from the White House.    

11:

Incomplete description, especially since it neglects someone who will have to be cast.

     Across the street, the First Lady comes out in a huff.  Her
     DRIVER opens the back door of her limo, and she bends down and 
     gets in.  

12:

I established that the car is old above, in a previous rewrite.

     Carlo and Andres hurry into the car.  Carlo starts the engine.

13:

Awkward phrasing.

     The limo pulls away from the White House and turns down the 
     street.  Carlo and Andres swing into traffic behind it.

14:

I'm not taking enough advantage of the moment.

                                 ANDRES
                    You better be right.

     Carlo looks at Andres and smiles.  Andres looks away.

15:

Here, for a change, I think I need to be more specific. Get rid of "psychological" reference.

     TWO AIDES hurry her along, keeping her on a tight schedule.

16:

I like them in the car here, not out of it. Be more personal with it.

     Carlo and Andres sit in the car, which is parked across the 
     street from the hospital.

17:

This scene needs a ton of work. And now it's set in the car. What I'm trying for here is a snappier exchange, Carlo being more forceful.

      INT. CAR - DAY

      Carlo sits behind the wheel.

                                  CARLO
                   Amazing how much charity work she does.

                                  ANDRES
                   What's so amazing about it?

                                  CARLO
                   She doesn't have to do this.

                                  ANDRES
                   Bullshit.  She a do-gooder, makes her 
                   husband look good.

                                   CARLO
                   Every day, three or four places like this?

                                   ANDRES
                   It's politics.

                                   CARLO
                   Full-time job, is what it is.

                                   ANDRES
                   Fuckin' politics.  What else she gonna do?
                   Spend the day at the beauty parlor?

                                   CARLO
                   Your trouble, Andres, you can't imagine somebody
                   doing something for nothing.

                                   ANDRES
                   Bullshit.

     They sit in silence, staring at the hospital across the street.

                                   CARLO
                   Here they come.

18:

Much too loud, even melodramatic, a moment here.

                                   CARLO
                   This is it.

     He starts the engine.

19:

This is not good getaway strategy.

     Meanwhile Carl turns the car around so it is facing the street
     for a quick exit.

20:

Another scene that's pretty much a mess. Need to pace the action better and go through it more logically.

     In the car, Carlo grimaces, Shit!

     The female customer turns and starts running back in the 
     direction from which she came.

     As Andres starts to follow her, the restroom door opens and 
     Gwen comes out.  Andres immediately grabs her.

     Gwen SCREAMS once, twice, before Andres can get his hand over
     her mouth.

     Carlo jumps out of the car and races to help.

     Together, Carlo and Andres drag Gwen to the car and shove her
     into the back seat.

     One of Gwen's aides comes around the building, gun drawn.  

     Andres drops him with one shot.

     Then he gets into the back seat of the car as Carlo moves back 
     behind the wheel.

     Tires lay rubber as the car accelerates out of the parking lot.

     The GAS STATION ATTENDANT appears, firing a pistol at the departing
     car.  Too late.


MODULE 9: SCREENWRIGHT: the craft of screenwriting

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