Script Changes - Act Two


1:

Clarify the scene.

     Gwen is on the bed, fully dressed and reading, when 
     Andres enters.

2:

Do better.

                                 ANDRES
                 Don't you understand English?  Get your 
                 ass out of bed.

3:

We haven't seen Andres drive yet.

     Andres gets behind the wheel for a change.  Carlo sits beside
     him.

4:

People don't talk like this, they use contractions.

                                 GWEN
                 You're quitting too soon.

5:

Use contractions unless it's formal speech for some reason.

                                  GWEN
                 You should've asked for more concessions
                 and support.  You're turning me loose too
                 easily.

6:

Do better.

     Carlo twists around to face the back seat.

7:

Scene needs a lot of work, more tension in it. Get Andres in it.

                                  CARLO
                 What kind of support?

                                  GWEN
                 Food and clothing for your people.
                 The most powerful country in the world
                 can give you something more than a U.N.
                 resolution.

                                  ANDRES
                 Like what?

                                  GWEN
                 An embargo against Spain and France.

     Carlo and Andres exchange a glance.  Andres scoffs.

                                  CARLO
                 Your husband would do that?

                                  ANDRES
                 Bullshit he would.

                                  GWEN
                 Only if he has to - which is why you should 
                 go to the media.  No one in America knows your
                 story.  John would cave in under public pressure.

                                  ANDRES
                 It's too late for that now.

                                  GWEN
                 Why?

                                  CARLO
                 Maybe she has a point, Andres.

                                  ANDRES
                 I say quit while we're ahead.

                                  GWEN
                 You can exchange me for so much more.

     Carlo stares at her.  Finally he turns back around.

     Andres laughs and shakes his head.

8:

Add general local color.

     The car enters a small town on Main Street.  Shops, a barber shop, 
     a cafe stretch ahead.  Pure Americana.

9:

Over a page without corrections. I must have dozed off.

Clean this up.

     Then both join Andres outside, and everyone gets into the car.
     This time Carlo gets behind the wheel.

Getting behind the wheel shows Carlo back in command.  We're doing it 
his way.

10:

Gwen is too wordy.

                                  GWEN
               I'm sorry.

                                  CARLO
               Andres's been disappointed so often he doesn't
               trust anyone any more.  Especially a woman.

11:

This scene is a total mess. Needs to have snappier exchanges.

                                  GWEN
               I can help.

                                  CARLO
               Go on.

                                  GWEN
               Those things you gave me to read were very
               moving.  

                                  CARLO
               They would move your husband?

                                  GWEN
               No.  He's a very selfish man.  Very cautious
               about what he gets behind.

                                  CARLO
               So what are you saying?

                                  GWEN
               Let me go to the media in your behalf.  I can 
               make a videotape.

                                  CARLO
               May I ask a personal question?

     Gwen nods, yes.
                                 
                                  CARLO
               The day we took you, you followed your husband to 
               a hotel.  Is he having an affair?

                                  GWEN
               Yes.

                                  CARLO
               And that's why you're doing this?

                                  GWEN
               No.  When he's forced to help you, he'll come 
               out smelling like a rose.  A defender of Basque
               liberty.

                                  CARLO
               The public will force him to support us?

                                  GWEN
               With my help.  I'm filling for divorce.  It's 
               another bargaining chip.  John couldn't survive 
               the publicity.

                                  CARLO
               You've given this a lot of thought.  I'm impressed.

     They exchange smiles.

This is probably too long, but it's fine for now.  One step after 
another, and our goal now is to get the first rewrite, not the finished 
script.

12:

No dialogue needed, the scene is better shown.

     Carlo is watching from the window.  Gwen comes up behind him and 
     throws her arms around him.

     Carlo turns, and they draw like magnets into an embrace.  They kiss 
     deeply.

13:

Can say something more here.

     Gwen and Carlo are making love.

     She is on fire.  Passion too long dormant has exploded into 
     erotic energy.

14:

Clarify.

     Andres enters the same small town as before, on Main Street.
     He cruises past the shops to a supermarket, where he parks.

15:

A touch of the chainsaw.

     Gwen and Carlo sit up in bed after lovemaking.  

                                  CARLO
                    We'll be going home soon.  I want you to come 
                    with me.

                                  GWEN
                    Carlo, don't.

                                  CARLO
                    I can't imagine living with-- . . .

     She stops him by putting a hand to his lips.  She leans forward
     and kisses him.

16:

Clarify.

     Andres is at the checkout stand when he notices a stream of military
     vehicles passing by outside.

17:

Turn a throw away line into something more personal to the character.

 
                                   CHECKER
                    What the hell is this?  Roswell all over again?

18:

Add emotion.

     Andres looks intense as he speeds along the shoulder.  His knuckles
     are white on the steering wheel.

19:

Clarify.

     Andres passes the leading Army jeep and swerves back onto Main 
     Street just as the city limits are reached.

     He speeds ahead for the farmhouse.

20:

Liven this visual scene up.

     Gwen and Carlo are in the kitchen, trying to start dinner.
     But they're having too much fun:

     Carlo pinches her, and a brief game of tag starts.

     They pour wine and have too many toasts.

     They kiss and fondle one another.

     They laugh a lot.

21:

It's easy to over-use words: races, moves, are ones to watch for here.

     He sprints to the front door.

22:

Be more romantic.

    Gwen and Carlo slow-dance to a ballad on the radio.  Her head is 
    on his shoulder, and his hand is on her butt.

    Andres rushes in.

23:

Clarify what is happening. "POV" means "point of view," the "eyes" from which we see the shot. This is one of those very rare instances when a "camera angle" is important, but I'm not mentioning the camera explicitly, "sneaking" this POV in instead.

     EXT. FARMHOUSE - AERIAL POV - DAY

24:

Turn this into action.

     Carlo and Andres arrive at the door with their suitcases when 
     they suddenly hear the WHIR of the approaching helicopters.

25:

Sometimes you write a line that makes you cringe, it is so bad and embarrassing.

                               GWEN
                 I'm going to talk to them.

26:

Andres, not Carlo, would be more aggressive here.

     Andres makes a move to stop her but Carlo grabs his arm.

                               CARLO
                 Let her go.

     Andres glares at him.

                               CARLO
                 She knows what she's doing.

27:

Make a better picture.

     Helicopters are landing all around the farmhouse.  As soon as 
     they touch down, soldiers in combat gear jump out and quickly
     take defensive positions.

28:

A better picture.

     Gwen is shouting something at the soldiers but her words get 
     drowned out by the loud WHIRRING of the blades.

29:

Show more, say less.

     Carlo and Andres have taken positions at the front window.

     For a long time, they just stare at the military overkill
     that's facing them outside.

                                 CARLO
                   One of us better cover the back.

     Before Carlo moves off, Andres suddenly breaks a window with 
     the barrel of his rifle.  

30:

Clarify. Economize. Snappier.

                                 ANDRES
                   She told them.  

                                 CARLO                               
                   She wouldn't do that.

                                 ANDRES
                   How the hell else they find out where we 
                   are?

                                 CARLO
                   Cover me, I'm going out.

     Carlo stays low, moving to the door.

                                 ANDRES
                   Love makes you blind.

     Carlo cracks open the door.  He leans his rifle against the wall,
     then slips outside.

31:

Clarify and liven this up.

     Gwen continues slowly forward.  Ahead of her are soldiers, and 
     one man emerges in command.  This is COL. MCLAUGHLIN, 50s, a 
     tough bird with years of combat experience.

     He carries a portable speaker phone, from which we hear the 
     Voice of Authority:

                                 COL. MCLAUGHLIN
                   Hold fire!  

     Gwen shouts back at him.

                                 GWEN
                   Call off your men!

32:

Clarify.

     Gwen looks behind her and sees Carlo.  He calls to the soldiers.

                                 CARLO
                  We are not your enemy!

33:

The word "races" again. Economize.

     Gwen hurries to him, and they rush into an embrace.

34:

More reaction.

     The Colonel lowers the speaker phone, aghast at what he's seeing.

35:

Make a better picture.

     Carlo cups Gwen's chin in the palm of his hand.  He tilts her 
     head toward his.  Their lips are close.

36:

Chainsaw time.

                                CARLO
                 Why are they doing this?

                                GWEN
                 Go back inside.

     The Colonel uses the speaker phone again.

                                COL. MCLAUGHLIN
                 We're coming in for you, ma'am!

37:

Draw a better picture.

     Andres see the soldier approaching. He raises the rifle and slowly 
     takes aim.

     EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

     The soldier continues to come slowly forward, crouched low,
     rifle at the ready.

                                GWEN
                 Don't do this!

     INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY

     Andres squeezes the trigger.  The rifle recoils.

38:

A better picture, more visual sense and tension.

     Immediately GUN FIRE erupts everywhere.  The sound is deafening. 
      
     Carlo pulls Gwen to the ground and rolls on top of her.  Bullets 
     zip over them.  They press against the ground, as if trying to 
     push into their own graves.

     Gwen looks up at him.  There are tears in her eyes.

39:

Do better.

     Gwen nods her head, yes.

     Gun fire continues from both directions.  Shots by the Army 
     splinter the outside the house.

     The door flies open, and they hear:

                                 ANDRES (O.C.)
                   Carlo!  

40:

Draw a better verbal picture.

     Carlo shoves Gwen through the door, then dives in behind her.
     Shots pockmark the door as it slams closed behind them.

                                 COL. MCLAUGHLIN
                   Hold fire!

     He lowers the speaker phone.

41:

Another scene that needs a huge amount of help. The same old issues: needs to be crisper and clearer.

     Carlo fetches his rifle.  He takes a position at the front window
     alongside Andres.

     Gwen gets up off the floor.

                                 GWEN
                  I can help.

     Carlo and Andres exchange a glance.

                                 ANDRES
                  I'll cover the back.

     He quickly leaves them alone.

                                 GWEN
                  I can handle a gun.  I've gone hunting 
                  with John.

     Carlo offers his rifle to her.

                                 GWEN
                  What about you?

                                 CARLO
                  Guns we've got plenty of.

     Gwen takes the rifle.

                                 CARLO
                  Be careful.

                                 GWEN
                  Where're you going?

                                 CARLO
                  I'm going to float where I'm needed.

    He quickly disappears.

    Gwen settles in by the broken front window.  She looks terrified.

42:

Economy, clarity.

                                 JOHN
                  I have no idea what she's doing.

43:

Clarity.

     The President is on the phone with the Colonel (who is using a 
     mobile phone).

44:

Do better.

     The Army surrounds the house.  Waiting.  An eerie silence fills 
     the darkness.

45:

Clarify, make active.

     Carlo joins Andres in a room at the rear of the house.

46:

Clarify, make more dramatic.

     Hearing him, Gwen turns quickly, her rifle swinging around to 
     point at him.

     Carlo instinctively dives to the floor.  Then he looks up 
     sheepishly.

                                  GWEN
                        Sorry.

47:

Draw a better verbal picture.

     Gwen gives him a peck on the cheek.  She moves to the sofa and 
     lies down.  She gets comfortable.

     Carlo watches her until her eyes are closed.

     Then he turns to face the dark night.  His eyes communicate the 
     obvious question:  When will they attack?


SCREENWRIGHT: the craft of screenwriting

8/97