Clarify the scene.
Gwen is on the bed, fully dressed and reading, when Andres enters.
2:
Do better.
3:
We haven't seen Andres drive yet.
4:
People don't talk like this, they use contractions.
5:
Use contractions unless it's formal speech for some reason.
6:
Do better.
7:
Scene needs a lot of work, more tension in it. Get Andres in it.
Add general local color.
Over a page without corrections. I must have dozed off.
Clean this up.
10:
Gwen is too wordy.
11:
This scene is a total mess. Needs to have snappier exchanges.
No dialogue needed, the scene is better shown.
Can say something more here.
14:
Clarify.
15:
A touch of the chainsaw.
16:
Clarify.
17:
Turn a throw away line into something more personal to the
character.
18:
Add emotion.
19:
Clarify.
20:
Liven this visual scene up.
21:
It's easy to over-use words: races, moves, are ones to watch for here.
22:
Be more romantic.
23:
Clarify what is happening. "POV" means "point of view," the "eyes"
from which we see the shot. This is one of those very rare instances
when a "camera angle" is important, but I'm not mentioning the camera
explicitly, "sneaking" this POV in instead.
24:
Turn this into action.
25:
Sometimes you write a line that makes you cringe, it is so bad and
embarrassing.
26:
Andres, not Carlo, would be more aggressive here.
Make a better picture.
A better picture.
29:
Show more, say less.
Clarify. Economize. Snappier.
31:
Clarify and liven this up.
32:
Clarify.
33:
The word "races" again. Economize.
34:
More reaction.
35:
Make a better picture.
36:
Chainsaw time.
37:
Draw a better picture.
38:
A better picture, more visual sense and tension.
39:
Do better.
40:
Draw a better verbal picture.
41:
Another scene that needs a huge amount of help. The same old issues:
needs to be crisper and clearer.
42:
Economy, clarity.
43:
Clarity.
44:
Do better.
45:
Clarify, make active.
ANDRES
Don't you understand English? Get your
ass out of bed.
Andres gets behind the wheel for a change. Carlo sits beside
him.
GWEN
You're quitting too soon.
GWEN
You should've asked for more concessions
and support. You're turning me loose too
easily.
Carlo twists around to face the back seat.
CARLO
What kind of support?
GWEN
Food and clothing for your people.
The most powerful country in the world
can give you something more than a U.N.
resolution.
ANDRES
Like what?
GWEN
An embargo against Spain and France.
Carlo and Andres exchange a glance. Andres scoffs.
CARLO
Your husband would do that?
ANDRES
Bullshit he would.
GWEN
Only if he has to - which is why you should
go to the media. No one in America knows your
story. John would cave in under public pressure.
ANDRES
It's too late for that now.
GWEN
Why?
CARLO
Maybe she has a point, Andres.
ANDRES
I say quit while we're ahead.
GWEN
You can exchange me for so much more.
Carlo stares at her. Finally he turns back around.
Andres laughs and shakes his head.
The car enters a small town on Main Street. Shops, a barber shop,
a cafe stretch ahead. Pure Americana.
Then both join Andres outside, and everyone gets into the car.
This time Carlo gets behind the wheel.
Getting behind the wheel shows Carlo back in command. We're doing it
his way.
GWEN
I'm sorry.
CARLO
Andres's been disappointed so often he doesn't
trust anyone any more. Especially a woman.
GWEN
I can help.
CARLO
Go on.
GWEN
Those things you gave me to read were very
moving.
CARLO
They would move your husband?
GWEN
No. He's a very selfish man. Very cautious
about what he gets behind.
CARLO
So what are you saying?
GWEN
Let me go to the media in your behalf. I can
make a videotape.
CARLO
May I ask a personal question?
Gwen nods, yes.
CARLO
The day we took you, you followed your husband to
a hotel. Is he having an affair?
GWEN
Yes.
CARLO
And that's why you're doing this?
GWEN
No. When he's forced to help you, he'll come
out smelling like a rose. A defender of Basque
liberty.
CARLO
The public will force him to support us?
GWEN
With my help. I'm filling for divorce. It's
another bargaining chip. John couldn't survive
the publicity.
CARLO
You've given this a lot of thought. I'm impressed.
They exchange smiles.
This is probably too long, but it's fine for now. One step after
another, and our goal now is to get the first rewrite, not the finished
script.
Carlo is watching from the window. Gwen comes up behind him and
throws her arms around him.
Carlo turns, and they draw like magnets into an embrace. They kiss
deeply.
Gwen and Carlo are making love.
She is on fire. Passion too long dormant has exploded into
erotic energy.
Andres enters the same small town as before, on Main Street.
He cruises past the shops to a supermarket, where he parks.
Gwen and Carlo sit up in bed after lovemaking.
CARLO
We'll be going home soon. I want you to come
with me.
GWEN
Carlo, don't.
CARLO
I can't imagine living with-- . . .
She stops him by putting a hand to his lips. She leans forward
and kisses him.
Andres is at the checkout stand when he notices a stream of military
vehicles passing by outside.
CHECKER
What the hell is this? Roswell all over again?
Andres looks intense as he speeds along the shoulder. His knuckles
are white on the steering wheel.
Andres passes the leading Army jeep and swerves back onto Main
Street just as the city limits are reached.
He speeds ahead for the farmhouse.
Gwen and Carlo are in the kitchen, trying to start dinner.
But they're having too much fun:
Carlo pinches her, and a brief game of tag starts.
They pour wine and have too many toasts.
They kiss and fondle one another.
They laugh a lot.
He sprints to the front door.
Gwen and Carlo slow-dance to a ballad on the radio. Her head is
on his shoulder, and his hand is on her butt.
Andres rushes in.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - AERIAL POV - DAY
Carlo and Andres arrive at the door with their suitcases when
they suddenly hear the WHIR of the approaching helicopters.
GWEN
I'm going to talk to them.
Andres makes a move to stop her but Carlo grabs his arm.
CARLO
Let her go.
Andres glares at him.
CARLO
She knows what she's doing.
Helicopters are landing all around the farmhouse. As soon as
they touch down, soldiers in combat gear jump out and quickly
take defensive positions.
Gwen is shouting something at the soldiers but her words get
drowned out by the loud WHIRRING of the blades.
Carlo and Andres have taken positions at the front window.
For a long time, they just stare at the military overkill
that's facing them outside.
CARLO
One of us better cover the back.
Before Carlo moves off, Andres suddenly breaks a window with
the barrel of his rifle.
ANDRES
She told them.
CARLO
She wouldn't do that.
ANDRES
How the hell else they find out where we
are?
CARLO
Cover me, I'm going out.
Carlo stays low, moving to the door.
ANDRES
Love makes you blind.
Carlo cracks open the door. He leans his rifle against the wall,
then slips outside.
Gwen continues slowly forward. Ahead of her are soldiers, and
one man emerges in command. This is COL. MCLAUGHLIN, 50s, a
tough bird with years of combat experience.
He carries a portable speaker phone, from which we hear the
Voice of Authority:
COL. MCLAUGHLIN
Hold fire!
Gwen shouts back at him.
GWEN
Call off your men!
Gwen looks behind her and sees Carlo. He calls to the soldiers.
CARLO
We are not your enemy!
Gwen hurries to him, and they rush into an embrace.
The Colonel lowers the speaker phone, aghast at what he's seeing.
Carlo cups Gwen's chin in the palm of his hand. He tilts her
head toward his. Their lips are close.
CARLO
Why are they doing this?
GWEN
Go back inside.
The Colonel uses the speaker phone again.
COL. MCLAUGHLIN
We're coming in for you, ma'am!
Andres see the soldier approaching. He raises the rifle and slowly
takes aim.
EXT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
The soldier continues to come slowly forward, crouched low,
rifle at the ready.
GWEN
Don't do this!
INT. FARMHOUSE - DAY
Andres squeezes the trigger. The rifle recoils.
Immediately GUN FIRE erupts everywhere. The sound is deafening.
Carlo pulls Gwen to the ground and rolls on top of her. Bullets
zip over them. They press against the ground, as if trying to
push into their own graves.
Gwen looks up at him. There are tears in her eyes.
Gwen nods her head, yes.
Gun fire continues from both directions. Shots by the Army
splinter the outside the house.
The door flies open, and they hear:
ANDRES (O.C.)
Carlo!
Carlo shoves Gwen through the door, then dives in behind her.
Shots pockmark the door as it slams closed behind them.
COL. MCLAUGHLIN
Hold fire!
He lowers the speaker phone.
Carlo fetches his rifle. He takes a position at the front window
alongside Andres.
Gwen gets up off the floor.
GWEN
I can help.
Carlo and Andres exchange a glance.
ANDRES
I'll cover the back.
He quickly leaves them alone.
GWEN
I can handle a gun. I've gone hunting
with John.
Carlo offers his rifle to her.
GWEN
What about you?
CARLO
Guns we've got plenty of.
Gwen takes the rifle.
CARLO
Be careful.
GWEN
Where're you going?
CARLO
I'm going to float where I'm needed.
He quickly disappears.
Gwen settles in by the broken front window. She looks terrified.
JOHN
I have no idea what she's doing.
The President is on the phone with the Colonel (who is using a
mobile phone).
The Army surrounds the house. Waiting. An eerie silence fills
the darkness.
Carlo joins Andres in a room at the rear of the house.