Script Changes - Act Three


1:

There are two parts of the farmhouse in use now, and the slugline should clarify this.

     INT. FARMHOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT

2:

I miss a good moment here.

     ...sleeping on the sofa.  She looks incongruously peaceful.  Even
     sexy.

     Carlo looks out the window again.  His eyes strain to find meaning 
     in the dark night.

3:

Clarify this with a new slugline.

     INT. FARMHOUSE - REAR - NIGHT

     Carlo arrives.  Andres hears him and turns. 

4:

Clarify.

     INT. FARMHOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT

5:

Inefficient. He should be already there at the start of the scene.

     Carlo gently wakes Gwen.

6:

Terrible dialogue. Too much exposition.

                                CARLO
               You said you wanted to help us.

That's enough.  It's open-ended, which moves story interest forward.

7:

This moment should be explored more. It will increase tension.

                                JOHN
               Maybe not.

     Everyone just looks at him, puzzled why he said this.

                                JOHN
               Of course it means we have to be more careful.
               But all our options are still available.  In 
               moderation.  I certainly don't want to cave in
               to pressure like this.

8:

Do better.

                                SOLDIER
               The First Lady is waving a white flag.

9:

Draw a better picture.

     Gwen walks slowly toward the soldiers.  She's waving a white 
     handkerchief that's been tied to the end of a fireplace poker.
     Her expression shows determination.

10:

Make a bit more of the moment.

     ...walking toward them.

                                GWEN
               John?

                                JOHN
               Come on ahead!

11:

This scene needs a whole lot of work. It's an important scene, showing their first negotiation and personal confrontation.

                                GWEN
              Because I believe in their cause.  All they want is 
              freedom for the Basque people.

                                JOHN
              Are you actually that gullible?

                                GWEN
              Think how good you'd look if you supported them.

                                JOHN
              Since when are you interested in politics?  Something 
              else is going on here.

     Gwen doesn't reply.

                                JOHN
              We gave them their resolution in the U.N., and they 
              didn't hold up their end of the bargain.  Doesn't that
              tell you something?  

                                GWEN
              They did try to release me.  I refused to go.

                                JOHN
              What?

                                GWEN
              I told them they were letting you off too easily.

                                JOHN
              You're making foreign policy now!  What the hell is going 
              on with you?  You're sleeping with one of them.  It's
              true, isn't it?

     Gwen glares at him.

                                JOHN
              I thought so.

     Suddenly Gwen slaps him across the face.  Hard.

12:

Make more of the moment.

                                GWEN
              I'm divorcing you, John.

                                JOHN
              Are you now?

                                GWEN
              I told Ben to prepare the papers.  I'll wait 
              if you help them.

                                JOHN
              Making foreign policy, trying blackmail.  You're getting
              quite an education with these idiots.

                                GWEN
              It would be a feather in your cap.

                                JOHN
              I have a better idea, dear.

13:

Do better.

     Hearing this, Gwen breaks away and starts racing back to the
     farmhouse.

14:

Do better.

                                JOHN
              Gwen!  Do something, Colonel.

15:

"Moves" and other verbs of motion are used a lot in this script, and I need to get more variety in the rhetoric without pointing attention to the fact that I am doing this. This is handled best later, when I can see the rhetorical rhythm of the whole. And an online thesaurus in my screenwriting program will help me here.

     Carlo goes to the door.

16:

Chainsaw time.

     Gwen and Carlo rush into an embrace.

     More warning shots land all around them.

17:

Make a better picture.

     She quickly recovers and kneels at his side.

     Carlo tries to speak but can't.  Gwen fights back tears and strokes 
     his face.  But it's too late - he is dying.

     She closes her eyes against the truth she sees.  Her hands draw back 
     from his face.

     When she opens her eyes again, they reflect a fierce strength and 
     determination.

18:

Clarify.

     John goes to the closest soldier and grabs his rifle.

19:

Awkward phrasing.

     Gwen sees what is happening.  She turns to find Andres behind 
     her, approaching with his hands raised in surrender.

20:

Make this more dramatic.

     John looks at the Colonel.  Then he turns back to fire, but the 
     Colonel strikes the barrel of the weapon, ruining the shot.

                                COL. MCLAUGHLIN
                   Mr. President?  I need you to give me the weapon.

     John studies him.  Then he complies.

                                JOHN
                   We'll talk later, Colonel.

     John heads off smartly, heading toward a helicopter.

     Gwen sees what he is doing.

                                GWEN
                   John, wait!

     She starts running after him.

     John turns, sees her, and breaks into a trot.  

     He reaches the helicopter and barks out some instructions.  Then 
     he climbs aboard.

     The helicopter lifts into the air just as Gwen arrives.  Her hair 
     blows under the fierce wind from the blades.

     Squinting, she stares up at her husband.

     John stares down at his wife.

     Gwen's jar is set as she watches the helicopter rise into the sky.
     
     And then a smile comes, slowly, deliberately, finally breaking 
     into a grin.

Final Thoughts About Rewriting

This, then, is the process. In my experience, each rewrite gets the script a little bit closer to your vision of the movie, and how many rewrites are necessary to realize this vision varies from project to project.

Along the way, it's good to remind yourself of several things. The points on the check list are a good place to begin.

Also remind yourself of the three "truisms" that I've mentioned more than once here. I don't know if anything can be written in concrete about sceenwriting, but these three maxims come as close as I can get:

Write those in blood.

Now it's your turn to rewrite.

[BACK TO TEXT]


MODULE 9: SCREENWRIGHT: the craft of screenwriting

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