There are two parts of the farmhouse in use now, and the slugline should clarify this.
INT. FARMHOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT
I miss a good moment here.
...sleeping on the sofa. She looks incongruously peaceful. Even sexy. Carlo looks out the window again. His eyes strain to find meaning in the dark night.
Clarify this with a new slugline.
INT. FARMHOUSE - REAR - NIGHT Carlo arrives. Andres hears him and turns.
4:
Clarify.
5:
Inefficient. He should be already there at the start of the scene.
6:
Terrible dialogue. Too much exposition.
This moment should be explored more. It will increase tension.
Do better.
Draw a better picture.
10:
Make a bit more of the moment.
11:
This scene needs a whole lot of work. It's an important scene, showing
their first negotiation and personal confrontation.
12:
Make more of the moment.
Do better.
Do better.
15:
"Moves" and other verbs of motion are used a lot in this script, and I
need to get more variety in the rhetoric without pointing attention to
the fact that I am doing this. This is handled best later, when I can
see the rhetorical rhythm of the whole. And an online thesaurus in my
screenwriting program will help me here.
16:
Chainsaw time.
17:
Make a better picture.
18:
Clarify.
19:
Awkward phrasing.
20:
Make this more dramatic.
Along the way, it's good to remind yourself of several things. The points
on the check list are a good place to begin.
Also remind yourself of the three "truisms" that I've mentioned more than
once here. I don't know if anything can be written in concrete about
sceenwriting, but these three maxims come as close as I can get:
Write those in blood.
Now it's your turn to rewrite.
8/97
INT. FARMHOUSE - FRONT - NIGHT
Carlo gently wakes Gwen.
CARLO
You said you wanted to help us.
That's enough. It's open-ended, which moves story interest forward.
JOHN
Maybe not.
Everyone just looks at him, puzzled why he said this.
JOHN
Of course it means we have to be more careful.
But all our options are still available. In
moderation. I certainly don't want to cave in
to pressure like this.
SOLDIER
The First Lady is waving a white flag.
Gwen walks slowly toward the soldiers. She's waving a white
handkerchief that's been tied to the end of a fireplace poker.
Her expression shows determination.
...walking toward them.
GWEN
John?
JOHN
Come on ahead!
GWEN
Because I believe in their cause. All they want is
freedom for the Basque people.
JOHN
Are you actually that gullible?
GWEN
Think how good you'd look if you supported them.
JOHN
Since when are you interested in politics? Something
else is going on here.
Gwen doesn't reply.
JOHN
We gave them their resolution in the U.N., and they
didn't hold up their end of the bargain. Doesn't that
tell you something?
GWEN
They did try to release me. I refused to go.
JOHN
What?
GWEN
I told them they were letting you off too easily.
JOHN
You're making foreign policy now! What the hell is going
on with you? You're sleeping with one of them. It's
true, isn't it?
Gwen glares at him.
JOHN
I thought so.
Suddenly Gwen slaps him across the face. Hard.
GWEN
I'm divorcing you, John.
JOHN
Are you now?
GWEN
I told Ben to prepare the papers. I'll wait
if you help them.
JOHN
Making foreign policy, trying blackmail. You're getting
quite an education with these idiots.
GWEN
It would be a feather in your cap.
JOHN
I have a better idea, dear.
Hearing this, Gwen breaks away and starts racing back to the
farmhouse.
JOHN
Gwen! Do something, Colonel.
Carlo goes to the door.
Gwen and Carlo rush into an embrace.
More warning shots land all around them.
She quickly recovers and kneels at his side.
Carlo tries to speak but can't. Gwen fights back tears and strokes
his face. But it's too late - he is dying.
She closes her eyes against the truth she sees. Her hands draw back
from his face.
When she opens her eyes again, they reflect a fierce strength and
determination.
John goes to the closest soldier and grabs his rifle.
Gwen sees what is happening. She turns to find Andres behind
her, approaching with his hands raised in surrender.
John looks at the Colonel. Then he turns back to fire, but the
Colonel strikes the barrel of the weapon, ruining the shot.
COL. MCLAUGHLIN
Mr. President? I need you to give me the weapon.
John studies him. Then he complies.
JOHN
We'll talk later, Colonel.
John heads off smartly, heading toward a helicopter.
Gwen sees what he is doing.
GWEN
John, wait!
She starts running after him.
John turns, sees her, and breaks into a trot.
He reaches the helicopter and barks out some instructions. Then
he climbs aboard.
The helicopter lifts into the air just as Gwen arrives. Her hair
blows under the fierce wind from the blades.
Squinting, she stares up at her husband.
John stares down at his wife.
Gwen's jar is set as she watches the helicopter rise into the sky.
And then a smile comes, slowly, deliberately, finally breaking
into a grin.
Final Thoughts About Rewriting
SCREENWRIGHT: the craft of screenwriting