"Happiest Day" by Darby Orcutt INT.- FORTUNE TELLER'S PLACE. FORTUNE TELLER is dealing out Tarot cards. Shot begins from the perspective of her client, VINCENT, an excited, animated, straight-laced young man in a J.C.Penney suit. VINCENT So again I'm thinking, she's perfect. Here I am, expecting her to be jealous, and she says, "Honey, I love you, but I don't own you. You go with the guys." Can you believe it? Here she is, a model, rich, totally devoted to me. And me, I'm happier than I've ever been. It's just too good to be true, you know what I mean? FORTUNE TELLER (wrapped up in the cards) Mmm-hmm. What? I mean, no. VINCENT See, that's just it. It's too good to be true. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst. I mean, how much fun, happiness, great sex...Maybe I'm just thinking I've used up all my good karma. Hell, the last couple of times we went to the mall, I got a freaking parking space right by the door. I mean, who gets a parking space by the door? The FORTUNE TELLER picks up the cards, reshuffles, and starts dealing again. VINCENT What are you doing? FORTUNE TELLER I just want to make sure I got this right. VINCENT Oh, no, I knew it. There's something wrong. I've probably got a brain tumor or Pam'll get abducted by aliens, or she IS an alien, or... FORTUNE TELLER Calm down. It's nothing like that. It's just I've never seen a reading this positive before. VINCENT Really? We're getting married, y'know. Next month. I, I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I mean, that I'll be happy. FORTUNE TELLER (looking at cards and shaking her head) Mr. Adams, I've never seen arrangements like these before in my life. According to the cards, you are going to be the happiest man on earth... for the rest of your life. VINCENT Really? 'Cause I've thought about it too. You know how some people just seem doomed to a life of suffering? It would seem that, in the final balance, there would have to be some people for whom everything goes right. Maybe that's me. Maybe my role in the universe is to just be like a cosmic golden child or something. FORTUNE TELLER (with a hint of jealousy?) So it would seem. Congratulations. Now go, be happy. VINCENT I will! VINCENT leaves, whistling, humming, beaming, etc. CUT TO: EXT. - A bustling CITY STREET. VINCENT walks cheerfully along, greeting people as they pass. Camera shot is again from his perspective. VINCENT (to MAN) Hey! How's it going? MAN nods, shrugs his shoulders. VINCENT (to WOMAN) Hello there! Beautiful day, isn't it? WOMAN looks at him bemusedly at first, finally grins, giggling. WOMAN Hi. Camera swoops around, following VINCENT's carefree gazing at the world around him: the birds in the trees, items in shop windows, etc. Among these, he is passing by an active construction site. ANOTHER WOMAN, who is in front of him, suddenly glances upward. VINCENT's gaze moves upwards to follow hers as his humming continues. CUT TO: BLACK. ANOTHER WOMAN Oh my god! Is he...? SLOW FADE IN TO: The dead VINCENT's perspective as he lies on the sidewalk on his back, ANOTHER WOMAN, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, and others gathered around him. CONSTRUCTION WORKER Oh, yeah. But I think it's safe to say he never knew what hit him. CUT TO: Perspective above the gathered people. VINCENT lies dead, blood everywhere from his head, just above which lies a huge piece of masonry which obviously smashed his brains in. Underneath all the gore, he wears a huge grin. The camera zooms in on his toothy smile. While the crowd continues to mill around GREG'S body, JASON and KATE cross the street. They stop briefly to look at GREG and then continue on. JASON That looks awfully messy. KATE What an awful thing to say. A man just died Jason, its nothing to joke about. JASON Sorry, I always thought that humor took some of the sting out of tragedy. KATE Well, its not funny. (Beat) So, are you sure you don't want to go with me? JASON Yeah, that's fine. I'll just find something else to pass the time. KATE Okay, see you in a little while. Kate kissing him and walks away. JASON turns and looks around the street. His gaze finally settles on the FORTUNE TELLER'S shop. JASON What the hell, that'll probably take long enough. (beat) And be worth a laugh later too. JASON enters the FORTUNE TELLER'S shop. "Jason goes to the Fortune Teller" By David Ferrell INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY JASON walks into the room. The FORTUNE TELLER sits at a table in the middle of the room. FORTUNE TELLER (with fake accent) Welcome, young man. Have a seat. She motions for him to sit down. Jason sits down at the table. FORTUNE TELLER (with fake accent) I must warn you that I will tell you the truth, and it is not always something you want to hear. JASON (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I know. I was really just killing time. My girlfriend is next door buying a gift for her folks, and I just had to get away... The fortune teller puts her hand to her head. FORTUNE TELLER I am sensing something powerful... you need to get away more than you know... Jason looks at the fortune teller. He pauses. JASON Yeah... so how much does this cost? FORTUNE TELLER It costs sixty dollars. Jason laughs. JASON SIXTY DOLLARS! Oh, that's good. How does eight sound? FORTUNE TELLER What I have to tell you is very important, and could save your life. JASON Oh, I'm sure that it can. I'll tell you what, here's TEN. And this better be good. Jason pulls crumpled money from different pockets. He counts out ten. He drops a couple crumpled bills on the ground. The fortune teller looks at him, rolls her eyes, then takes the money. She grumbles at him as tries to flatten the money out. FORTUNE TELLER Ok, I will give you your fortune, but only because you need to know. You're life is at stake. JASON (sarcastically) Oh, that's too bad. INT. KATE'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Jason sits, bored, on the couch. He flips through the TV channels, and settles on a "Worlds Greatest..." show. KATE runs around her apartment packing. VO FORTUNE TELLER Your girlfriend invited you to her parent's house for the holidays. You are nervous about going, and you should be. VO JASON Well, yeah, I've never met her folks before. I want to make a good impression. Kate models an outfit for jason. JASON Kate, you look great. I don't know why you're so worried, they're YOUR parents. They can't hate YOU. KATE Hey, I'm just trying to make YOU look better. Jason glances angrily at Kate. Kate smiles. KATE I just haven't seen my parents in a while, and I haven't seen my friends in a few years. VO FORTUNE TELLER But Kate is not worried about seeing her friends, because she has something else planned. VO JASON Oh, yeah, I know. She never tells me her plans. I'm used to it. EXT. KATE'S PARENT'S HOUSE -- NIGHT Jason and Kate pull up to the house. INT. KATE'S PARENT'S LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Kate and Jason walk into the house. MR. MOORE HI! Come on in! He hugs Kate. He shakes Jason's hand. MR. MOORE Hello, there, you must be Jason. Welcome, come on in. Glad to have you. JASON (slightly nervous) Oh, thanks. It's good to be here. Uh, thanks for having me. MR. MOORE Oh, you're welcome. KATE Where's mom? MR. MOORE Well, she was in Chicago for a conference, and her flight was cancelled because of the snow. She said to say hello and sorry she can't be here. (to jason) Here, let me take you to the guest bedroom. Mrs. Moore has been decorating in there, so I'm afraid you might think it's a little girly, but I tried my best to give it some sense of testosterone. Jason laughs uncomfortably. Mr. Moore walks up the stairs, and Jason follows. Kate takes off her jacket and hangs it in the closet. She sees a purse filled with things on the closet floor. She picks it up and hides it behind some boxes. INT. GUEST ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Jason puts his bags on the bed and starts to unpack. VO JASON Wow, this seems pretty bad. So, is there an axe murderer in the closet or something? Jason opens the closet door to hang some clothes. A masked figure jumps out of the closet with an axe and swings at jason. INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY FORTUNE TELLER What are you, an idiot? Oh, sure, you are going to be the victim of an elaborate axe conspiracy. No, your problems have yet to come. INT. GUEST ROOM -- NIGHT Jason opens the closet door and hangs his clothes. He hears the doorbell ring and some excitement downstairs. He walks out of his room. INT. KATE'S PARENT'S LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Kate talks to Julie, her friend from high school. KATE Oh, that sounds like so much fun! I'm sure Jason is up for it too. Jason walks down the stairs. KATE Hey Jason, I want you to meet my friend Julie. Julie holds out her hand to Jason. She smiles. JULIE Hey Jason, nice to meet you. They shake hands. JASON Nice to meet you, too. KATE Julie wants us to go with her to the bar tonight. JASON Oh, okay. That sounds like fun. INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY JASON Wow, this is a pretty bleak fortune you've got for me. So, am I gonna wake up with a bad hangover or something? The fortune teller rolls her eyes. FORTUNE TELLER Anyways, you go to the bar with Kate and Julie, and have a very good time. INT. BAR -- NIGHT Jason, Kate, and Julie sit at a table in the bar talking. VO FORTUNE TELLER You are really taken with Julie. Kate excuses herself from the table- Kate stands up and walks away. VO FORTUNE TELLER And leaves the two of you alone. JULIE It's great that you two could come for the weekend. JASON Yeah, I'm having a good time. JULIE Me too. She pauses. JULIE Kate's lucky to have a guy like you. My boyfriend couldn't even make it down this weekend. JASON Oh, that's too bad. Julie looks down, then back at Jason. JULIE You know, I... well, if you want... Kate sits down again. KATE Some people are so damn rude! Jason shifts to look at her. Julie drops a pill in his drink. KATE I can't even walk past the bar without some pig trying to molest me! Jason frowns and takes a drink. JULIE I hate that! God, some people can be such jerks. Jason appears uncomfortable. The words he hears begin to echo. KATE I mean, I work so hard and give so much for people, and sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. The room spins around. Kate and Julie laugh. Jason blacks out. INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY JASON So I'm going to have a flashback? FORTUNE TELLER You were DRUGGED, idiot! INT. GUEST ROOM -- MORNING Kate, Julie, and Mr. Moore, dressed in black, stand above Jason. He is tied to the bed. The bed is surrounded by candles. He slowly wakes up. KATE Well good morning, sweetie! How are you feeling? JASON Wha? What's going on? MR. MOORE Well, Jason, you're a good guy, so I'll give it to you straight. You see, we all worship Yebisu, our one true leader. He has demanded that his followers take the life they hold most dear. If we do not, the demon Cutis will rise to power, and the entire world will suffer. Mr. Moore hands a knife to Kate. KATE I'm sorry, Jason, but we have no choice. I love you! VO JASON Well, did they have to wait for me to wake up? INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY FORTUNE TELLER Will you stop interrupting? JASON Well, it is a little MEAN! I mean, why not just kill me while I'm asleep? FORTUNE TELLER Look, I am not the one killing you, I am just warning you. Do you want to know what happens or not? JASON Okay, okay, sorry. (sarcastically) You may continue. INT. GUEST ROOM -- LATER KATE I'm sorry, Jason, but we have no choice. I love you! JASON Kate, what are you DOING?!? Please, just let me out of here! I swear, I'm not even that nice of a guy! Uh, I think I cheated on you with Julie last night! KATE I'm sorry Jason, but you didn't. JASON Well I wanted too! That's got to count for something! JULIE Sorry, but it doesn't. Though it was nice meeting you, Jason. Kate steps next to him. JASON No, Kate, stop! You DON'T need to do this! She stabs him. Blood splatters. Jason screams. INT. FORTUNE TELLER'S -- DAY JASON Well, that was pretty entertaining. I don't know if it was worth ten bucks, though. The fortune teller looks at him for a second. FORTUNE TELLER Get the hell out of here. JASON Yeah, Kate's probably ready now anyway. Jason leaves. The fortune teller shakes her head. PSYCHIC Ugh, I need a break. The PSYCHIC gets up, takes the deck of tarot cards off the table and moves out of the "shop" area and into the back of the house. She stops to take off her psychic costume (jacket, bandana, etc) before moving into the kitchen where she starts to fix herself a cup of coffee. She has just sipped her coffee when she hears the door to her "shop" open and ring the bell. PSYCHIC Goddammit. Here we go again. She leans out of the kitchen and looks down the hallway to the shop. PSYCHIC (CONT'D) Alright, (name). You gotta make the money this time. "AND BABY MAKES TWO" BY M. WILSON BURDORFF INT. SHOP - DAY Standing in the shop is a young couple. They are looking around themselves at the shop, not knowing what to expect. The MAN has a broad smile across his face, while the WOMAN clenches her jaw and looks concerned. MAN Whoa. This place is unbelievable isn't it? He picks up a trinket that is laying on an end table near him. It is a small sculpture of a skeleton crouching down. MAN (CONT'D) Check it out. Creepy, huh? I wonder what they use this for. The woman takes the skeleton from him and turns it over. WOMAN (reading) Eastern Talismans, Taiwan. Yeah, real authentic. MAN Well, they've got to get their stuff somewhere. Suddenly on the other side of the room, a doorframe covered in beads is parted by a pair of hands. It is the psychic. She has taken a detour from the kitchen to change into her "costume". PSYCHIC (in a faux accent) Ah, greetings my friends. MAN Hi! I mean, greetings! The woman simply raises her hand hello. PSYCHIC Come, come. Sit. And tell me what I can do for you. The man eagerly seats himself at the table. The woman moves more hestitantly, but sits as well. MAN So... You do like fortune telling right? PSYCHIC That is correct. MAN How do you work, do you just use palm reading or do you use crystal balls or what? WOMAN (under breath) How do you make the fool part with his money? PSYCHIC What's that? MAN Oh, you'll have to excuse my wife. She's a bit skeptical about this whole thing. I'm sure you know how it is. PSYCHIC Yes. Yes, I do. But tell me, which one of you is hear to have your future read? MAN Well, that's just the thing. It's neither one of us. It's our baby. PSYCHIC Where is your child? The woman holds her belly. WOMAN Right here. The psychic is surprised. PSYCHIC Oh. MAN We were hoping that you would be able to tell us something about our baby's future. You know, what's he going to do with his life, what kind of man he's going to become. PSYCHIC You're having a boy? WOMAN He hopes. PSYCHIC I see. Well, let's see what I can do. Excuse me a moment. The psychic gets up from the table with a smile away from the couple. She's got a sucker this time, and she has to get her props so she can really sell this one. WOMAN Henry, I'm telling you, this is just a waste of time and money. She's just going to tell you whatever you want to hear. And its not like you can come back in 25 years when she turns out wrong. MAN It doesn't matter. Come on, its fun. The psychic shows up again with a crystal ball and a pack of tarot cards in tow. She sits down and puts the tarot cards on the table. PSYCHIC (still in the faux accent) You know what these are? MAN Sure. Tarot cards. PSYCHIC These will help me get a bearing on the readings before I progress, but I will have to give the reading to your wife and I need her to have an open mind. MAN Honey? WOMAN Okay, okay. I'll give it a shot. The psychic nods and begins to lay out the tarot cards. Images like the hanging man and death and the devil end up on the table. MAN Is that bad? What's going to happen? PSYCHIC The tarot cards never give the exact future, only an idea of things to come. WOMAN Isn't that convenient The psychic eyeballs her. PSYCHIC So these cards only mean that there will be dangers to look out for, not necessarily that harm will befall your child. They all look for a moment at the cards. PSYCHIC (CONT'D) Let's try something a little different. She picks up the crystal ball from where she set it on the floor. WOMAN Here we go. You get this from Eastern Talismans of Taiwan as well? PSYCHIC The crystal ball is only meant to focus the mind and energies in order to allow the natural abilities of a psychic to be freed. The ball itself does nothing. MAN So tell me what you see. PSYCHIC Okay. (to WOMAN) Give me your hands. The psychic closes her eyes and holds out her hands. The woman leans forward and places her hands in the psychic's. In the moment they touch the psychic has a sudden flash of mutilated flesh. PSYCHIC (CONT'D) AHHH! She jerks her hands away, breathing hard. MAN What?! What is it? PSYCHIC (without her accent) I... I don't know. She looks at the woman and she simply looks back with concern. She looks to her husband for answers and he simply shrugs his shoulders. MAN What happened to your accent? PSYCHIC I... If we all grab hands, I think that I might be able to get a better image. MAN What happened to your accent, lady? The woman looks at her husband with a look of seriousness that makes him forget to pursue the accent change. WOMAN Henry, I think that we should do what she says. MAN Yeah. Yeah, okay. All three of them gather around the table and start to join hands. PSYCHIC Everyone, close your eyes and concentrate on the baby. Maybe that will help. The last hand joining is that of the psychic and the woman. The psychic looks at the woman nervously. She is sitting there with her eyes closed and a calm look on her face. The psychic closes her eyes and grabs the woman's hand. Imagery bombards the psychic's mind. She sees fleeting glimpses of blood and shredded flesh. Of flashes of light and darkness. Of pointed teeth. Of two bodies pressed together. Of horns. The gypsy pulls back, her breath ragged. She looks at thetwo sitting at the table. Each of them look at each other and then back to her, their faces filled with concern. MAN What did you see? PSYCHIC (still no accent) I saw... I saw... She looks into the face of the woman who seems not to understand. MAN IS MY BABY GOING TO BE ALRIGHT? The psychic breaks her stare with the woman and turns to the man. PSYCHIC Yes. Yes. There will be some hard times but in the end, he will be perfectly fine. MAN Thank god. INT. SHOP - MOMENTS LATER The three of them walk towards the door. The man pulls some cash out of his wallet. MAN You know, I don't know if you were genuine or not, but even your theatrics deserve this. He hands her the money. PSYCHIC Thank you. He walks out the door. The woman moves to follow him. PSYCHIC (CONT'D) Wait. The woman turns. PSYCHIC (CONT'D) You know, don't you. WOMAN Yes. PSYCHIC But you're going to give birth to a monster. A demon. The woman gives sly little smile. WOMAN I know. He takes after his mother's side of the family. The woman walks out the door. The psychic in stunned silence closes the door behind her and leans against it. She stares off into the distance, her mind reeling. Slowly she moves back to the table and puts the crystal ball away. She then puts the deck of Tarot cards back on the table, moves the phone to the table and sits down. She sits quietly for a second; then she deals out a set of cards, face down, onto the table. "One Foot in the Grave" By Ryan Rubio 1. int. psychic's room The phone rings. The psychic answers. Psychic Hello, caller. Voice (Over phone, sounds very distraught) H…hello. I'd like to know my…(gasps) future. Psychic Are you all right, sir? 2. Int. apt. -Night The caller is VINCENT GRAVANO, and he is on his knees, talking on the phone. Behind him stand two hitmen, NILES CANNON and KYLE WESLEY. NILES is holding a gun to his head. KYLE is listening in on a cordless phone. Vincent (Stammering) Yes, I'm fine. Vincent glances nervously at Niles. Niles Ask her to tell you what your future holds. Vincent (Very nervous, awkward) I'd like to know…um…what my future holds? Niles HAH! 2. Int. Psychic's room Psychic Very well, sir. Let's see what the stars hold for you. The Psychic [flips over the first card] and suddenly raises eyebrows, as if moderately surprised. Psychic I see you once led a very dangerous life. Changed your ways have you? 3. Int. Apt. Kyle (Monotone) Asks if he's changed his once dangerous ways. Niles (Between gritted teeth) Tell her what you used to do. Vincent I used to be a gangster. Niles Say "infamous gangster." Vincent (Quickly) A very infamous one. Niles And what did you do? Vincent I…I…ratted on my friends. Niles (Under his breath) Huh. Government tool. 4. Int. Psychic's room Psychic Sir, you don't have to explain yourself… 4. Apt. Kyle They're getting off the subject… Niles (Pressing the gun harder) Stop digressing. Get back to the crystal ball, man. Vincent What else do you see? 5. Psychic 's room Psychic I see that you are in love. Happily married, yes? 6. Int. Apt. Vincent (Starting to cry) Oh, yes. She means everything to me. Niles (To Kyle) I hate how these goddamm shysters tell you crap about yourself that you should already know. Get to your final fate, son, I want to know if we kill you or not. 7. Psychic room Psychic Well, congratulations, you're about to have your first child. 8. Int. Apt. Vincent (In disbelief) A child? Kyle (Sarcastically) Ooh. He didn't know. Bet that stings. Niles (Grinning broadly) So perfect. 9. Psy. Room Psychic An absolutely beautiful blond little boy… 10. Apt. Kyle hisses, mocking pain. Kyle The knife twists deeper. 11. Psychic room Psychic (Suddenly saddened) But… I see that you two will not get much time together. Tragedy lies in the folds, so you better make the most of your time with your son. (Pauses) But I get the feeling that you already knew this, didn't you, sir? 12. Apt. Kyle motions his hand across his neck. Kyle That's enough. Niles (To Vincent) Say thanks, and goodbye. Vincent (Into the phone) A son? Niles (Getting agitated) Say thanks and hang up, you sniveling turd. Kyle clicks off his phone. Psychic (from other end of phone) sir, what was… Niles takes the phone from Vincent's hand and hangs it up. Niles God, haven't done that in two years. Most hits, you don't get the time. It's never smart to dawdle, but I wanted to draw out your suffering just a bit more. Never sell us out, boy. No government can hide you forever. (Gets right up in Vincent's ear) Now spend your next few minutes wondering about what your little wife will tell her son about the father he never knew. (To Kyle) He's yours. Kyle Mine? Niles He helped set your father up, right? Kyle Yeah… Niles So do it. I'll leave you two alone. (To Vincent) So long, rat. Niles leaves the room. Kyle draws his gun and puts it to Vincent's head. Kyle Y'know, she didn't specifically mention your death. What if your son dies in a year or so? Vincent says nothing. He is sweating profusely and breathing loud and hard. Kyle It would be horrible having that little nugget of faith hanging over your head every time your little baby cracks a smile. Vincent looks up at him, his eyes wide with fear. Kyle Bastard. Kyle puts a finger to his lips and makes a "shushing" noise. He then aims the gun. 13. Int. Hallway outside apt. Niles is unraveling a piece of gum. His head barely moves when the gun goes off. He then pops the gum in his mouth. Kyle comes out of the door. Niles Taken care of? Kyle Never hear from him again. Niles Good. They begin to walk down the hallway. Kyle You play that sick little game much? Niles Heh. One time, the psychic told a guy that she saw him being waited on hand and foot. So I just crippled the guy. Can't argue with fate, man. Fade Out. INT - PSYCHIC SHOP The PSYCHIC hangs up the phone. She gets up and stretches and then gets a crystal off one of the shelves. She then sits back down at the table looking into a crystal. She continues to sit and stare into the crystal for until the door open and THEORYN enters. THEORYN Hey babe. PSYCHIC gives THEORYN a peck on the cheek, then moves past him and flips the shop sign over to closed. PSYCHIC Thanks for coming over... THEORYN No prob, sugar. THEORYN leans in, thinking he is gonna get some. PSYCHIC ... cause i have to tell you something. THEORYN backs off, not hurt, but not getting any PSYCHIC turns her back and looks out the window THEORYN picks up crystal and starts playing with it (juggling, etc.) As PSYCHIC turns around and says PSYCHIC I missed my period. THEORYN drops the crystal, with a stunned look on his face PSYCHIC is looking at crystal falling with some look in her face, we see the crystal hit the ground, and flash to cartoon and back. THEORYN starts to shake, and different parts of him flash from cartoon to real and back, he doesn't like it, and screams, etc, and grabs PSYCHIC, she starts to flash too and then they are both gone in a flash of white light. ~~~~~~~~ The white fades to black, and in the dark we hear PSYCHIC You bitch. THEORYN Wh-What! Where are we? What did you do? (beat) What did you just call me? PSYCHIC You were the one tinkering with The Crystal of Mass Destruction and Inter-dimensional Travel. Why the hell did you have to drag me through this? THEORYN Why did I drag you? Look, you are the one that forgot to check my protection. You dragged your own self into it. PSYCHIC strikes a match and we see that everything is cartoon now THEORYN What the... THEORYN flips a switch on the wall, showing the 2-Dementia sign TOUR GUIDE VOICE *ding* Welcome to 2-Dementia. THEORYN Ding? Ding? PSYCHIC Ding, how the hell do we get out of here? The light on the 2-Dementia sign expands to show another sign, "out of here" THEORYN Oh, cool! THEORYN walks in that direction, but falls down a trap door in the floor PSYCHIC Dumbass. Gotta read the fine print. PSYCHIC clicks her heels and eats a green pill and goes back to reality ~~~~~~~~ THEORYN now sits on a chair, eyes closed BLUE WISE WOMAN Wake up, you. BLUE pokes THEORYN with a stick. THEORYN opens eyes BLUE You gonna be here a long time, child. THEORYN Wha? Why? BLUE You stuck, that's whatswhy. THEORYN blank stare BLUE Lemme explain it like this: BLUE pulls down maps, etc, till she finds the right screen BLUE You here, she there, no kid. THEORYN Huh? BLUE There is more to baby makin then they done tol' you in sex education, cause in sex ed, I betchu they never tol' 'bout no inter-dimensional physics. THEORYN Huh? BLUE You information is here, so it cant be nowhere else, and there will be no baby; cause no information, no conception, no conception, no baby. THEORYN Information? BLUE whacks THEORYN in the crotch with her pointing stick THEORYN recovers, and says THEORYN Oh. BLUE Read this... BLUE hands him a copy of Stephen W. Hawking's "Brief History of Time" BLUE He is a good friend o mine, and comes round sometimes. Anyhu, you stuck, child, and they ain't nothing you can do about it. HAWKING wheels in HAWKING Its true. BLUE whips out her other-dimensionally-inspired stringed instrument, and starts to jam (sounds like a banjo), HAWKING dances about the room a bit THEORYN screams, we zoom into his mouth, fade to zoom out of real-world PSYCHIC sitting back in her store staring into the crystal and shaking her head. PSYCHIC Clumsy Bastard. PSYCHIC stands up, running her hand over her stomach and smirking. PSYCHIC Well, at least he managed to do something worthwhile. She moves back to the shelves, putting the crystal back and starting to close up shop, she locks the door, covers up the crystal ball, puts the phone back where it belongs, etc. While she is doing this a dark and mysterious man enters despite the locked door. The PSYCHIC does not seem to notice him at first. Then when she turns back to the table, reaching for the deck of tarot cards, she sees him and jumps a little in surprise. PSYCHIC I'm sorry, I'm closing up for the night. If you want I can make an appointment for you tomorrow. MAGICIAN This won't take long. (motions for her to sit at the table) PSYCHIC Um, really I'm closed now. Just come back later and I can take care of whatever you need done. MAGICIAN SIT. (The PSYCHIC is drawn to chair, almost against her will) PSYCHIC W. . . what do you want? MAGICIAN Well, (name), you have something that belongs to me. PSYCHIC I don't know what you're talking about. MAGICAIN (Gesturing at the deck of cards) The cards. PSYCHIC That can't be yours. Its been in my family for generations. (puts hand on top of cards) MAGICIAN This deck was stolen from me three centuries ago and it is my desire to have it returned to me. PSYCHIC What? MAGICIAN Give me back the deck girl! PSYCHIC You seem capable enough of just taking it. (removes hand from cards and pushes the deck slightly closer to the magician) MAGICAIN Very well then. Magician tries to take deck but cannot move it from the table. MAGICIAN You have bound it to you! Release it to me lest I be forced to sever the bond and destroy you. PSYCHIC Not possible. I would guess that charms of the deck should afford me enough protection to withstand any attack you might summon. MAGICIAN Then my curse will be with you and your children for seven generations. Your line will exist only in misery and squalor. PSYCHIC No, that won't be necessary. MAGICIAN Then you'll release the deck to me. PSYCHIC Not that easily. But I will give you a chance to win it from me. MAGICIAN What? You want me to gamble to regain my own possession? PSYCHIC That or relinquish any hope of regaining it. If my ancestor took it from you I doubt you're powerful enough to take it back by force. MAGICIAN You underestimate me girl. The bond may protect you now, but the weight of my curse will weaken your descendants enough that I will reclaim the deck. I have waited this long to reclaim it, I can wait a bit longer if necessary. PSYCHIC I don't think so. Knowing you're watching us I doubt you'll be able to catch anyone who I might pass the deck on to as unawares as you have found me. MAGICIAN You leave me little choice. (Beat) What will be the terms of the wager? PSYCHIC A simple cut of the deck. If you draw the higher card you can have the cards. If I win you relinquish any claim of ownership you might have to the deck. MAGICIAN Very well. Waves hand over deck and the top card flips itself over, revealing itself to be the highest possible card. MAGICIAN I believe I will take my cards back now. He reaches for the deck but the PSYCHIC restrains his hand, stopping him before he can claim the deck PSYCHIC Not until I've drawn my card. She cuts the deck into three piles. MAGICIAN A waste of time. You cannot win, I have drawn the high card. The deck is again mine! The PSYCHIC looks at the MAGICIAN as she slowly draws the top card, face down, off the center pile. Leaving the card on the table she grabs a knife off a nearby shelf and drives it through the card. The MAGICIAN recoils in shock, grasping his chest as blood begins to pour through his fingers. The Psychic pulls the knife out of the table, revealing the magician card still stuck to the end of it. The MAGICIAN collapses to his knees. PSYCHIC There's more than one way to win. She pulls the card from the end of the knife as both the card and the magician fade from existence. The PSYCHIC puts the knife down and starts closing up the store again; relocking the door, putting the knife away, putting the deck away. Fade out. Fin.