Amendments to the Rules of Golf directly attributable to G. Talbeau.
(Defying the laws of Newtonian physics!)
The Regular Tableau
Despite his great experience and considerable skills as a golfer, Talbeau has a certain propensity to hit his ball from time to time into any trees lining the fairway.
Now, 90% of the time the trees, being 90% air and only 10% wood
and leaves and bark, will allow safe passage of golf balls into
the inner sanctums of the forest where not even Seve Ballesteros
wielding a McCulloch could extricate them. The opposite, of
course, occurs when the ball is hit by Talbeau. In at least 90%
of these cases, the ball - defying logic, statistics, and all
the laws of Newtonian physics - will carom back into the fairway,
in perfect position, with no apparent loss of distance. When this
happens, Talbeau, will beam with a smile from ear to ear, exclaiming
"I played it that way!" The remaining players will shrug,
mutter something about "another @$&^#* Talbeau, and begin
thinking anew of alternate methods for financing of their children's
education.
Mere mortals can also enjoy the benefits of this phenomenon by
evoking the Talbeau Rule of Divine Intervention. Here's how it
works. At the very instant that the striker of a ball (or his
playing partner) has any inkling that the ball might be heading
towards a tree, the striker (or his partner) shouts "TALBEAU!"
in the same manner, and with the same force, as that used for
shouting "FORE!" The effectiveness, inversely proportional
to the delay in issuing the proclamation, is completely lost when
the ball enters the trees. Accordingly, please note that, since
some delay is always inevitable, the Talbeau Rule of Divine Intervention
works less than 90% of the time. But, it does seem to help. And
it is much more pleasant to the ear than the more traditional
"Aw $#&%!".
There is always an exception to every rule. In this case, of course,
the exception is that Talbeau is under no obliged to make any
utterance whatsoever.
The Inverse Talbeau
On very rare occasions, a ball hit into a tree by Talbeau will
actually go into the forest. This, of course, is known as an Inverse
Talbeau. And, true to form, Talbeau himself would only view it
as a wonderful opportunity to make a routine "woody"
by hitting a 3-iron draw through a thick grove of pines and dogwoods,
over a bunker with a 230-yard carry, to a pin in the front of
a green sloping away.
The only known preventive measure for the Inverse Talbeau is
the Talbeau Rule for Divine Intervention. Unfortunately, this
cannot completely eliminate it. But, do not despair. If you
are fortunate enough to have Talbeau in your foursome, the ball
will likely be found on the spot. With an extraordinary radar-like
vision for golf balls, he allows few to escape his gaze
for long. Should, by some chance, the ball not be found, you might
try evoking the "Leslie Nielson Rule of Lost Balls."
(Since someone will eventually find your ball but will not return it
to you, the ball is deemed stolen and never actually lost, and,
nowhere do the Rules of Golf indicate that a penalty should be incurred for a stolen ball.
) This argument will seldom, if ever, actually be accepted by
your opponents, but it does give you something interesting to
do on the long journey back to the teeing ground.
The Rebeau Talbeau
A shot for which the ball, after hitting a tree, house, wall,
or other object, comes to a stop on the green is a Rebeau Talbeau.
When this happens, Talbeau, will beam with a smile from ear to
ear, exclaiming "I played it that way!" before going
on to win the hole with an improbable birdie. The Rule of the
Rebeau Talbeau requires that the striker be asked if they are
actually going to claim to have won the hole as the result of
such a lucky a shot. If the striker indicates in response that
style points have no role in the game of golf, then the
striker will be deemed to have won the hole without further ado.
The Arbor Day Rule
Talbeau may not play at golf upon any course bearing trees on
Arbor Day, or during any other period of time set aside by the
Course Superintendent for the purpose of allowing the barks of
trees situated along the edge of the course to heal.
Other amendments to the Rule of Golf only indirectly attributable
to Talbeau
The Reverse Talbeau
The worst of the worst, with no prevention and no remedy. Truly bad luck, the ball strikes a tree and reverses itself in the direction from which it came. While Talbeau has never been known to actually hit one of these,
his playing partner, Sparky, did manage the most memorable one
- a shot from the 4th tee of the Tanglewood West Course that resulted
in negative yardage.
Forbearance is the rule here. Best to just suck it in and miss
the @$#^&*! trees with the next shot..
The Chateau Talbeau
Yup, you guessed it! Hit a house
and bounce it back into the fairway in perfect position. Named
in Talbeau's honor for a shot made by the aforementioned Sparky
on the 14th at Turtle Point on Kiawah Island in 1993. Best to
be avoided unless you have considerable experience hitting a 7-iron
through a broken window off a Bigelow. Evoke the Talbeau Rule
of Divine Intervention, if you must, but do not append "Chateau"
to the shout, as this only delays the response time, and, consequently,
the effectiveness.
The Dead Fox Rule
While playing on the Ocean Course at Kiawah Island in 1994, Sparky hit a shot that came to rest in the bowels of a long-dead
fox. Even though the ensuing shot was playable as the ball lay,
the Dead Fox Rule was invented on the spot. Considering that (a)
the fox was not killed as a result of the shot and (b) that, in
the sole judgment of the player, the subject fox just might have
been rabid, Talbeau ruled that his teammate was, indeed, entitled
to a drop, without penalty, within two club lengths of this, or
any other, dead fox. (The opponents, of course, thought the rule
smelled like a dead fox.).
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