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                                    Srimate SrivanSatakopa Sri Vedanta Desika 
Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

 

                                    Delightful Disagreements-1
 

All of us are aware of how debilitating domestic arguments are. Though they may 
begin quite innocuously, they have an uncontrollable tendency to become serious 
affairs, with both parties to the disagreement feeling hurt. And often, either 
of the participants in the argument goes off at a tangent, straying from the 
core subject to extraneous matters. Usually, what begins as a reasoned effort 
to convince the other person of his or her error, ends up as a free-for-all 
slanging match, with tones and tempers raised to unseemly levels. And for hours 
or days thereafter, the matter leaves a bitter taste in the participants' 
mouth, turning people estranged and bitter.

 

If the matrimony is healthy and the partners flexible, the bitter argument is 
usually followed by a reconciliation and things return to normalcy. If we were 
to take a survey of separations and divorces, we would probably find that all 
of them began with an argument, developed into disharmony, graduated into 
discord, resulted in mutual incompatibility and intolerance and ultimately 
ended in a parting of ways between partners, who had sworn to stay together 
till "death do us part".

 

An argument results, when a couple have a difference in outlook concerning a 
particular matter. As two reasonable adults, a husband or wife should 
appreciate reason when they see it in the other's argument and concede 
gracefully. The problem arises only when one or both of them stick(s) to their 
stand adamantly, without appreciating the logic of the matter.

 

And when one of the parties to the argument fails to find reasonable things to 
say, he or she usually resorts to extraneous matters, insults, abuse, invective 
and so on. The Sanskrit saying, "SEsham kOpEna poorayEt" highlights the fact 
that people get angry, when they have no reasonable answer to others' 
arguments. And when anger enters the mind, reason deserts it, with predictable 
consequences.

 

As in everything else, Srimad Ramayanam has lessons for us in how to have 
domestic arguments, reasonable ones, and how to appreciate the spouse's point 
of view. Like any other marriage, that of the Divine Couple too had its share 
of arguments-however, what sets these arguments apart is that they were 
eminently devoid of rancour, discord and acrimony, with both Sri Rama and Sri 
Sita conceding readily, when they were convinced of the logic of the other's 
arguments. And these exchanges left the Couple with considerably enhanced love 
and affection for each other and the marriage itself emerged considerably 
enriched, the bonds of matrimony made stronger than before. 

 

The first of these arguments that Sri Janaki has with Her beloved, is over the 
issue of accompanying Him to the jungle, while He undertook the 14-year 
vanavAsam imposed by the scheming Kaikeyi. The exchange between the Divine 
Couple on this occasion highlights for all to see, the unbounded love and 
affection they had for each other. While Sri Rama doesn't want the delicate 
Princess of Mithila to be exposed to the rigours and dangers of a jungle 
sojourn, Sri Mythily, on the other hand, is equally convinced that Her place is 
by at the side of Her beloved, wherever be His residence. 

 

When Sri Rama reveals to her the momentous news about His impending journey to 
the jungle and asks Her to stay behind, Sita Devi is instantly angry at being 
left behind. This anger, says Sri Valmiki, flowed not out of any ego, pride or 
sense of self-importance, but purely out of the immeasurable love She had for 
Rama-"PraNayAt Eva samkruddhA". She is flabbergasted at the idea of being left 
behind to spend 14 interminable years without the enchanting company of Her Sri 
Rama and this found expression in Her words of anger. She tells the Prince that 
She would indeed accompany Him, walking ahead and removing the thorns and 
stones in the way, which could hurt Her Lord's delicate soles-"agaratastE 
gamishyAmi mridgatI kusha kantakAn". She tells Rama that She is prepared to 
endure the inhospitable environs of the jungle, to live on fruits and roots, to 
travel barefoot on the thorny jungle paths. The immortal words of this young 
Princess, barely out of Her teens, would bring tears to the eyes of even the 
most stone-hearted of men and women. She tells Rama that if He is with Her , 
She wouldn't mind a vanavAsam of even a thousand years, leave alone a mere 
fourteen. And why wouldn't She forsake Her husband's side? Because the Pati is 
everything to a married woman and is never to be forsaken under any 
circumstance. She might have any number of close relationships, with Her 
father, mother, son or Her friends, but of all these the overriding alliance is 
that with Her husband, who is Her sole refuge-

"na pitA na Atmaja: na AtmA na mAtA na sakhIjana:

 iha prEtya cha nAreeNAm Pati: EkO gati: sadA"

 

To achieve Her objective of accompanying Sri Rama, She displays all womanly 
wile by pointing out to Raghava the innumerable days of happiness they could 
have amidst the romantic and picturesque locale of the jungle.

 

No husband could resist such words of reason, mixed with the potent potion of 
love. However, Sri Rama does, prompted by a fear of what the dark and dangerous 
jungle could hold for a delicate damsel like His beloved. He hence embarks upon 
a detailed description of the terrors of the jungle, in all of 26 slOkAs 
spanning a whole chapter, all of them ending with the refrain, "tata: 
dukhataram vanam". The Prince is totally determined not to expose the young 
Mythili to the hard, cruel and dangerous life of the forest.

 

She reasons, She begs, She beseeches, She sheds copious tears, She threatens to 
commit suicide by consuming poison, entering the fire or waters-When all this 
doesn't work, Sri Sita, out of sheer desperation and the fear of being left 
behind, hurls at Her husband a biting barb which no man worth his salt can 
tolerate. She sneers at Sri Rama and wonders whether Her father had married Her 
off to a woman in man's garb, incapable of protecting his wife from man or 
beast-

 

         "kim tvA manyata VaidEha: pita mE MithilAdhipa:

       RAma jAmAtaram prApya striyam purusha vigraham"

 

Which man would put up with such insults? Sri Raghava does, because He knows 
full well that they are born not out of a desire to abuse, but constitute a 
last-ditch effort to make Her husband take Her along on the arduous journey to 
the jungle.

 

Thus Sita tries all the four strategies listed in the Shastras for achievment 
of one's goals-SAmam, BhEdam, DAnam and Dandam, the last comprising Her 
stinging words casting aspersions on Rama's bravery.

 

Though He had made up His mind initially to leave Sita behind, Sri RAma, the 
ideal husband that He was, doesn't hesitate to change His mind and agree to 
take Her along, in the face of Her impassioned plea therefor. He doesn't stick 
to His stand adamantly and tell Her to just obey, or else! He doesn't claim a 
right, as the husband, to lay down what was to be done, irrespective of whether 
it was right or wrong. 

 

This volte-face in Sri Raghava's attitude was possible because He looked not 
merely at Sri Janaki's words, but at the immeasurable love and affection, which 
prompted them. He listens not only to Her words calling Him effeminate, but 
hears too to the tone of anguish and agony that the lady is feeling over being 
left behind for not one or two, but fourteen long years. He gathers up Sita in 
a close embrace and tells Her He considers Her dearer to Him than even the 
heavens-"na idAneem tvatritE SeetE! SvargOpi mama rOchatE". He gives in at last 
and tells Her to make preparations for them to leave for the forests together.

 

Now, whom would you say won the argument?

 

To the superficial reader, it would appear that, as is the case in almost all 
our domestic arguments, the Lady of the House was victorious on this occasion 
too, Sita managing to get Her way despite Rama's reservations.

 

However, to the serious student of Srimad Ramayana, it would be evident that it 
was the strong bond of matrimony and the inalienable love and affection that 
characterised it, which emerged victor. There was no winner and no loser in 
this particular argument-both the Prince of Ayodhya and the Princess of Mithila 
emerged appreciably stronger from the episode, as a husband and wife who had 
infinite concern for the other's welfare. They cared little for proving 
themselves to be right, through empty and endless debate with each other. Sri 
Rama was concerned at exposing His young Princess to the dangers and discomfort 
of the jungle, while Sita was intent on being with Her husband, through thick 
and thin, offering moral and other support through the impending sojourn in the 
inhospitable forests.

 

Marriage counsellors would have to search for other jobs, if everyone started 
perusing the Ramayana. The divine couple's flawless conduct, their undisguised 
affection for each other, their readiness to appreciate each other's viewpoint 
and to readily change their own opinion to accommodate the other's, their 
moving concern for each other's welfare, much more than each caring for his or 
her own-all these set out the argument they had as an exemplary one. Their way 
of resolving discord sets for us a shining example to emulate for all time.

 

If this is an argument where Sri Rama gave in to Sri Mythily, there was another 
where Sri Sita conceded to Her husband. Let us see more about this later.

 

Srimate Sri LakshmINrisimha divya paduka sevaka 

SrivanSatakopa Sri Narayana Yatindra Mahadesikaya nama:

dasan, sadagopan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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