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Rabbinic tradition teaches that a
marriage will only be peaceful if G-d is a part of the union. The
Hebrew word for "man" is "eish", which is spelled Aleph-Yud-Shin.
The Hebrew word for "woman" is "eisha", which is spelled
Aleph-Shin-Hay. The letters Yud and Hay combine to form the Hebrew
name for G-d. Removing the letters Yud and Hay (G-d) frmo the words
"eish" and "eisha", leaves the letters Aleph and Shin. Aleph and
Shin spell "esh", which is the word for fire. Thus, Judaism teaches
that if G-d is not made a part of the union between a man and a woman,
then the couple will be left with fire.
This glossary is in
chronological order for the ceremony! It is also an
expanded version of the information you will find in
our wedding program.
- Chatan
- Groom
- Kallah
- Bride
- Shoshvinim
- Literally "friends", the
shoshvinim are the equivalent of bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Gabriel and Michael, two angels said to have attended the wedding of
Adam and Eve, are considered the prototypical shoshvinim.
Traditionally, the bride and groom have at least two shoshvinim
each, to act as their right and left hands. David's shoshvinim
are Brian, Randy, and Jeff. Beth's shoshvinim are Jill and
Lisa.
- Aufruf
- Aufruf literally means to be
"called up." When King Solamon built the holy temple, he made a special
gate with a glass for bridegrooms. When the groom entered, the people
said, "May he who dwells in this temple bless you with good children."
Following the destruction of the temple, it became customary for the
bridegroom to be blessed in the synagogue. David's aufruf
occurs at Beth's parents' synagogue, The Community Center of Israel, the
week before the wedding (on the holiday of Simchat Torah).
- (Non) Fasting
- The dawning wedding day heralds
the happiest and holiest day of one's life. This day is considered a
personal Yom Kippur for the chatan (groom) and
kallah (bride), for on this day all their past mistakes are
forgiven as they merge into a new, complete soul.
As on Yom Kippur, both David and Beth would normally fast
from dawn until after the completion of the marriage ceremony.
However, today being Rosh Hodesh, a joyous occassion, fasting
is forbidden.
- Tena'im
- Literally "conditions," this is a
formal contract between the two sets of parents on the dowry and date
of the wedding. Historically, the agreement was made at the time of
engagement, and there were harsh consequences if the contract was
broken. Because of this, the tena'im is now usually executed
on the day of the ceremony or the day before (making the contract less
likely to be broken)! At its conclusion, both mothers, Jan and Renée,
break a plate to show the gravity of the contract; once it is broken,
it can never be repaired. The breaking of the plate also symbolizes
the impending breaks in the mothers' relationships with their children,
who will soon take responsibility for caring for and feeding each
other. The tena'im is an Ashkenazic tradition, traced back
about nine centuries. There is no halachic (legal) requirement
for the tena'im.
This is somewhat different from the Ketubah,
which actually creates a matrimonial relationship. (The Ketubah
is sometimes referred to as tena'im acharonim, the final
agreements.)
Our tena'im will occur on Saturday night, October 5. We will
be doing the ceremony in addition to a standard Havdalah
service. The plate itself was made (well, painted) by Beth and David
earlier this summer, in anticipation of the event.
Single guests, if you are handed a shard from a broken plate, put it
in your pocket. It is a blessing that someday soon, a plate will
break for you. David got a shard while he and Beth were dating.
- B'deken
- This literally means "checking."
After a messenger announces that Beth is ready, David goes along with
both fathers, Michael and Stephen, to join her. At this time he veils
Beth. This custom derives from Jacob, who neglected to check who he
was marrying and wound up with Leah instead of Rachel!
The veil also symbolizes the idea of modesty and conveys the lesson
that however attractive physical appearances may be, the soul and
character are paramount.
This ancient custom also serves as the first of many actions by which
David signals his commitment to clothe and protect Beth.
Prior to the veiling, David's father, Michael, blesses him with a quote
from Psalm 128: Happy are all who fear the Lord, who
follow His ways. You shall enjoy the fruit of your labors; you shall
be happy and you shall prosper. Your wife shall be like a fruitful
vine within your house; your sons, like olive saplings around your
table. So shall the man who fears the Lord be blessed. May the Lord
bless you from Zion; may you share the prosperity of Jerusalem all the
days of your life, and live to see your children's children. May all
be well with Israel!
Just as Rebecca was blessed by her family before leaving home to marry Isaac
(Genesis 24:60), after the veiling, Beth's father, Stephen, blesses her with the
traditional: May G-d make you like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.
May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord make his face shine
upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord smile upon you and
grant you peace.
The b'deken will take place on the morning of the wedding (at around
10:15 AM), before most guests have arrived.
- Kabbalat Panim
- Because it is customary for the
chatan and kallah not to see each other preceding
the wedding, separate receptions (called Kabbalat Panim, or
"greeting the faces") are held just prior to the wedding ceremony.
Jewish tradition likens the couple to a king and queen. David sits in the
reception area as guests arrive (beginning at 11:30 AM) where he is toasted and
congratulated. This is called the chatan's tisch (groom's table).
Traditionally, the chatan attempts a
lecture on the week's Torah portion (this week it is Genesis
1:1-6:8, but on Rosh Hodesh we also read Numbers
28:1-15), but is frequently interrupted by jokes, music, good-natured
teasing, or really any other kind of interruption you can think of... please
think of something! David will be nervous enough already without having to
lecture on Torah!
While seated on a "throne," Beth is separately attended by her
shoshvinim and both mothers.
This is called hachnasat kallah (bridal retinue).
When ready, Beth will arrive at the tisch for the witnessing and
signing of the Ketubah (at approximately
11:45 AM).
- Ketubah
- The Ketubah (marriage
contract) dates back approximately 2100 years. It is commonly
assumed to have been formalized in 80 B.C.E. by Simeon ben Shetech
as a protection to wives in the event of becoming widowed or
divorced (although proto-Ketubot may have existed for around 400
years prior). Originally these provisions were intended,
among other things, to deter husbands from impulsively divorcing
their wives. However, following a medieval rabbinic decree prohibiting
divorce without the woman's consent, the ketubah became something of a
formality.
It is a marriage contract written in Aramaic and set
down in the Talmud that according to Jewish law must be signed by
two witnesses unrelated to the bride or groom. This rule may be
an extension of the law in Deuteronomy 24:16 which states that a
father cannot be put to death based on the testimony of his own son.
Our two witnesses (aidim) are Harry and Phil. The signing
and witnessing of the Ketubah occurs at the
chatan's tisch.
The Ketubah raised the status of women in the time it was
initiated, as it outlined the husband's obligations regarding food,
clothing, and other necessities, and provided the wife with financial
security. It obligates David to feed, clothe, and please Beth. It
also creates a lien on his property to pay her a lump sum and ongoing
support if he divorces or predeceases her. The obligations of the wife
to the husband are not spelled out in the Ketubah for they are
assumed.
Our Ketubah was created by the artist
Gad Almaliah.
Following the signing, the guests move to the location of the
ceremony (outside, weather permitting).
- Chupah
- The wedding ceremony (ours begins
at noon) takes place under the chupah (canopy), a symbol of
the home to be built and shared by the couple. It is open on all sides,
just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open all sides to welcome friends
and relatives in unconditional hospitality.
In addition, the chupah signals G-d's presence at the
wedding, and is also a symbol of the groom's covering/taking of his
bride as part of the Nissuin
ceremony. In Talmudic times, the groom's father set up a purple tent
in the courtyard of his home where the marriage would be consummated
in a literal interpretation of nissuin.
Nissuin eventually became a
symbolic consummation, accomplished by the groom by covering the bride
with a garment, such as his tallit. The current portable canopy
supported by four poles first became popular in Poland about five
hundred years ago.
On a deeper level, in Jewish tradition we cover what is precious to us.
So we cover the Hallah loaves on Shabbat (and the
person lighting the candles on Shabbat "covers" them by
shielding her eyes), a groom covers his bride before the wedding
ceremony (b'deken) and most
precious of all, we lovingly cover and dress the Torah
each time we read from it. Covering the couple underneath the chupah
is another expression of this.
Our chupah was designed and built by Beth's parents.
Weather permitting, the chupah is held outside, under the
stars (they are still there, even in daylight!), as a sign of the
blessing given by G-d to the patriarch Abraham, that his children
shall be "as the stars of the heavens."
The groom, followed by the bride, are escorted to the chupah
by their respective sets of parents. Beth's parent's arms are linked
through hers.
- Hakafot
- Under the chupah, Beth
and David circle one another seven times. First Beth circles David
three times, then David circles Beth three times, and then they circle
each other once.
When Beth and David each walk their three circles, they are symbolically
recreating G-d's betrothal to Israel: "Thus sayeth the Lord, I will
betroth you to Me forever. I will betroth you with righteousness,
with justice, with love, and with compassion. I will betroth you to Me
with faithfulness, and you shall love the Lord." (Hosea 2:21-22)
The total of seven circles parallels the seven blessings of
nissuin, as well as the
seven days of creation, and remind the bride and groom that they are
about to create a new world together. Just as the world was created in
seven days, Beth and David are figuratively building the walls of their
new home. Another explanation is that the seven circles correspond to
the seven times in the Torah where it is written "... and when a man
takes a wife."
Beth then settles at David's right-hand side.
Our rabbi, Ilyse, then welcomes the guests to G-d's "house" and asks
G-d to bless the bride and groom.
- Kiddushin
- A Jewish wedding ceremony consists
of two steps: betrothal (erusin) and nuptials (nissuin).
Originally, these two ceremonies were performed as much as a year
apart from each other; now, they are performed on the same day. Each
is marked with a cup of wine, symbolizing life, joy, and G-d's many
other gifts. The first step is called kiddushin, or
sanctification.
Our rabbi first recites a blessing over wine. Next, she recites a
blessing that praises G-d for giving us laws to sanctify Jewish
family life. We then drink the wine from a kiddush cup
which was presented to David in honor of his becoming a Bar
Mitzvah, 18 years ago.
- Kinyan
- There are no vows at a Jewish wedding.
Our "conditions" were stated during the tena'im
ceremony. Instead, Beth raises her right hand to show that she consents to the
marriage, which the witnesses observe. David then places a plain gold
ring on Beth's finger, and says: Haray aht m'kudeshet li
b'taba'at zu k'dat Moshe v'Yisrael. By this ring you are consecrated
to me in accordance with the laws of Moses and Israel.
According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding
ceremony, and the couple is now fully married at this point.
While the ring symbolizes eternity, shared authority, and protection,
its central role is legal. The groom gives the bride an object of
some legal value (this is called kinyan). However, the
Talmud carefully distinguishes the acquisition of a wife from the acquisition
of property. A betrothal is not a form of barter (a ring in exchange for a
wife) but a monetary transaction, which changes the woman's legal status to
that of a married woman.
Kinyan is frequently misunderstood today as an exchange in and of
itself, and indeed its geneology descends from such acts. In Jewish law today,
however, it is a symbolic act - the equivalent of a signature. In fact,
for very Orthodox Jews, an act of kinyan is all that is required
when accepting the Ketubah - neither bride nor groom signs it (only
the witnesses do). Similarly, a signature is considered a valid kinyan
(a handkerchief or a ring isn't the only way to do it!). For very Orthodox
Jews, the groom accepts a handkerchief from the rabbi to accept his obligations
stipulated in the Ketubah and the bride accepts a ring from the groom
to accept the change of her legal status. Our ceremony was slightly different
in that both Beth and David accepted the Ketubah, but we have kept the
ring kinyan traditional. If David were acquiring Beth with payment
of a ring, wouldn't he pay Beth's father with the ring instead of Beth herself?
If you are interested in the legal documentation surrounding this, you can check
the Talmudic gemara in Kiddusin (6b) and (2b), Gittin (77b), and in the comments of the
Ramban to Gittin (9a). Or you can just trust us - David is not
purchasing Beth!
The ring is placed on the right index finger, instead of the left
ring finger, because the left hand represents justice, while the
right hand represents love. There is also an ancient belief that the
right index finger was directly connected to the heart. In addition,
the index finger is the most prominent. Beth will move the ring after
the ceremony. David receives his ring later, during
yichud, so as not to void
the value of the ring he gives to Beth. It must be clear that Beth is
receiving her ring for the purpose of betrothal, and not in exchange
for some other item of value, such as a ring for David. Similarly, the
ring must be unpierced and free of any precious stones to avoid any
possible misrepresentation of its value.
In ancient times, coins were typically given for kinyan. In fact,
they are still used by many Sephardic and Oriental Jews. Around 1400 years
ago, rings replaced coins in most of Europe as the "gift of choice." Some
commentators suggest that the preference for rings is attributable to their
circular form, which symbolizes endless love between a husband and wife.
Others see the circle as representing a link to the past and a commitment to
the future. But for whatever reason, in North America today it is almost
universally the custom to give a ring as the object of exchange.
An interesting custom in post-Renaissance Europe was the use of communal
rings -- large, ornate objets d'art decorated either with representations
of the Jerusalem Temple or a local synagogue. Such rings were objects of
pride to the entire community and were lent to couples for their bridal
celebrations.
The Ketubah is then read aloud by Ilyse
(this reading separates the betrothal blessings from the marriage blessings)
and given to Beth. It is her possession. If it is lost or stolen, she must
receive a new one before resuming marital relations.
In marriage, the chatan accepts upon himself certain marital
responsibilities which are detailed in the Ketubah. His
principal obligations are to provide food, shelter and clothing for
his wife, and to be attentive to her emotional needs. The protection
of the rights of a Jewish wife is so important that the marriage may
not be solemnized until the contract has been completed.
- Nissuin
- Nissuin begins with the
sheva brachot (seven blessings), taken from the Talmud.
Each blessing is recited by a different guest. The first blessing is
recited over a cup of wine. The rest of the blessings praise G-d for
the design of creation and marriage. The order of the blessings
reminds us that the rejoicing of the bride and groom both echoes the
joy of the first man and woman, and gives us a taste of the time when
Jerusalem will be rebuilt and the Jewish people will be gathered in
it.
- Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.
- Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has created everything for His glory.
- Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who fashions humanity.
- Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has formed humanity in His image, in the image of the likeness of His structure
(the repetition of the term for similarity is probably intended to keep the distance between G-d and human beings), and made from him an enduring structure (not the same Hebrew word as the one which occurs above. This one literally means "building"). Praised are You, Lord, who has formed human beings. (The reference here is to the story in Genesis about Eve's being made out of Adam's side, to be a companion to him, and to the role of men and women together in perpetuating humanity) May the barren one (the land of Israel, during the exile of the Jewish people) greatly rejoice and exult, as her children are gathered to her.
- Praised are You, Lord, who makes Zion glad through her children.
(This blessing expresses a hope for Messianic redemption. It also hints at the importance of forming new Jewish families in keeping the Jewish people alive.)
- Grant perfect joy to the beloved companions, as You granted joy to Your creation in the Garden of Eden in ancient times. Praised are You, Lord, who makes the groom and the bride glad.
(Another reference to the first couple, Adam and Eve, perhaps an expression of hope that the new couple will be able to avoid the trials and tribulations of ordinary human life)
- Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has created joy and gladness, groom and bride, pleasure, song, delight, laughter, love, and harmony. Soon, Lord our G-d, may there be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, groom and bride, the jubilant voices of those joined in marriage under the chupah, the voices of young people feasting and singing. Praised are You, Lord, who makes the groom rejoice with the bride.
(Another Messianic prayer, probably a reference to the toning down of wedding celebrations after the destruction of the Temple. Connecting the life of the individual with the experience of the Jewish people as a whole is a common theme; it is one of the explanations of breaking a glass at weddings. While the previous blessing refers to the joy of the groom and the bride, this one refers to the joy of the groom with the bride, raising the rhetorical and emotional level somewhat.)
After the blessings are recited, David and Beth drink from the second
cup of wine. Beth then recites a line from the Song of Songs:
Ani l'dodi v'dodi li. I am my beloved's and my
beloved is mine.
Although this is not a halachic requirement, David now steps on a
glass, shattering it (everyone shouts Mazel Tov, meaning
"congratulations"). While some may say this is the last time David
will get to put his foot down, this ancient custom actually fulfills
the obligation to remember the destruction of Jerusalem, even in
times of joy. It also recalls the shattering of the first tablets at
Mount Sinai, where G-d and the Israelites entered into a marriage-like
covenant - arguments and all.
- Yichud
- To complete nissuin, the
bride and groom spend a short period alone in a separate room, guarded
by the two witnesses. This yichud (seclusion) symbolizes
consummation. Beth and David will also share a small meal, their first
as newlyweds. It is also during this time that David will receive his
ring. Because of this period of yichud, don't wait for a receiving
line, just go straight to the celebration!
The Torah advises us that a wedding is achieved through "the giving
of a valuable - money or ring - (to the woman), the presentation of a
document, or through intimate living together." In our ceremony today (as
in all modern Jewish wedding ceremonies), we have performed all three:
kinyan, Ketubah,
and yichud.
- Se'udat Mitzvah
- This means "Festive Meal." First
guests will proceed to the cocktail reception room. After a few
minutes, Beth and David come out of yichud,
and the official celebration begins! After a short "winding down"
period (the cocktail hour), guests will move into the main ballroom
and Beth and David will shortly follow. Then everyone joins in dancing
to celebrate in joy with the groom and bride (the mitzvah of
l'sameach chatan v'kallah). Although the wedding feast in
itself is a mitzvah, the emphasis is on entertaining the
newlyweds. Rejoicing a bride and groom is such a central commandment
in Judaism that it takes precedence even over learning Torah.
As the pandemonium ensues, don't be shy about joining in, even if you
don't feel you know what to do. You'll pick it up in no time, and
will have a great time. It is a great mitzvah (commandment
or virtuous deed) to dance with the couple. Besides, it's very
unlikely you'll look more ridiculous than David.
Next the eating will begin in earnest! The meal will officially be
commenced by Ilyse, who will make the motzi, the blessing
over the bread.
Beth and David again thank everyone for adding so much to the
celebration with their presence.
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