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Rabbinic tradition teaches that a marriage will only be peaceful if G-d is a part of the union. The Hebrew word for "man" is "eish", which is spelled Aleph-Yud-Shin. The Hebrew word for "woman" is "eisha", which is spelled Aleph-Shin-Hay. The letters Yud and Hay combine to form the Hebrew name for G-d. Removing the letters Yud and Hay (G-d) frmo the words "eish" and "eisha", leaves the letters Aleph and Shin. Aleph and Shin spell "esh", which is the word for fire. Thus, Judaism teaches that if G-d is not made a part of the union between a man and a woman, then the couple will be left with fire.

This glossary is in chronological order for the ceremony! It is also an expanded version of the information you will find in our wedding program.

Chatan
Groom


Kallah
Bride


Shoshvinim
Literally "friends", the shoshvinim are the equivalent of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Gabriel and Michael, two angels said to have attended the wedding of Adam and Eve, are considered the prototypical shoshvinim. Traditionally, the bride and groom have at least two shoshvinim each, to act as their right and left hands. David's shoshvinim are Brian, Randy, and Jeff. Beth's shoshvinim are Jill and Lisa.


Aufruf
Aufruf literally means to be "called up." When King Solamon built the holy temple, he made a special gate with a glass for bridegrooms. When the groom entered, the people said, "May he who dwells in this temple bless you with good children." Following the destruction of the temple, it became customary for the bridegroom to be blessed in the synagogue. David's aufruf occurs at Beth's parents' synagogue, The Community Center of Israel, the week before the wedding (on the holiday of Simchat Torah).


(Non) Fasting
The dawning wedding day heralds the happiest and holiest day of one's life. This day is considered a personal Yom Kippur for the chatan (groom) and kallah (bride), for on this day all their past mistakes are forgiven as they merge into a new, complete soul.

As on Yom Kippur, both David and Beth would normally fast from dawn until after the completion of the marriage ceremony. However, today being Rosh Hodesh, a joyous occassion, fasting is forbidden.


Tena'im
Literally "conditions," this is a formal contract between the two sets of parents on the dowry and date of the wedding. Historically, the agreement was made at the time of engagement, and there were harsh consequences if the contract was broken. Because of this, the tena'im is now usually executed on the day of the ceremony or the day before (making the contract less likely to be broken)! At its conclusion, both mothers, Jan and Renée, break a plate to show the gravity of the contract; once it is broken, it can never be repaired. The breaking of the plate also symbolizes the impending breaks in the mothers' relationships with their children, who will soon take responsibility for caring for and feeding each other. The tena'im is an Ashkenazic tradition, traced back about nine centuries. There is no halachic (legal) requirement for the tena'im.

This is somewhat different from the Ketubah, which actually creates a matrimonial relationship. (The Ketubah is sometimes referred to as tena'im acharonim, the final agreements.)

Our tena'im will occur on Saturday night, October 5. We will be doing the ceremony in addition to a standard Havdalah service. The plate itself was made (well, painted) by Beth and David earlier this summer, in anticipation of the event.

Single guests, if you are handed a shard from a broken plate, put it in your pocket. It is a blessing that someday soon, a plate will break for you. David got a shard while he and Beth were dating.


B'deken
This literally means "checking." After a messenger announces that Beth is ready, David goes along with both fathers, Michael and Stephen, to join her. At this time he veils Beth. This custom derives from Jacob, who neglected to check who he was marrying and wound up with Leah instead of Rachel!

The veil also symbolizes the idea of modesty and conveys the lesson that however attractive physical appearances may be, the soul and character are paramount.

This ancient custom also serves as the first of many actions by which David signals his commitment to clothe and protect Beth.

Prior to the veiling, David's father, Michael, blesses him with a quote from Psalm 128: Happy are all who fear the Lord, who follow His ways. You shall enjoy the fruit of your labors; you shall be happy and you shall prosper. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons, like olive saplings around your table. So shall the man who fears the Lord be blessed. May the Lord bless you from Zion; may you share the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life, and live to see your children's children. May all be well with Israel!

Just as Rebecca was blessed by her family before leaving home to marry Isaac (Genesis 24:60), after the veiling, Beth's father, Stephen, blesses her with the traditional: May G-d make you like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah. May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord smile upon you and grant you peace.

The b'deken will take place on the morning of the wedding (at around 10:15 AM), before most guests have arrived.


Kabbalat Panim
Because it is customary for the chatan and kallah not to see each other preceding the wedding, separate receptions (called Kabbalat Panim, or "greeting the faces") are held just prior to the wedding ceremony.

Jewish tradition likens the couple to a king and queen. David sits in the reception area as guests arrive (beginning at 11:30 AM) where he is toasted and congratulated. This is called the chatan's tisch (groom's table). Traditionally, the chatan attempts a lecture on the week's Torah portion (this week it is Genesis 1:1-6:8, but on Rosh Hodesh we also read Numbers 28:1-15), but is frequently interrupted by jokes, music, good-natured teasing, or really any other kind of interruption you can think of... please think of something! David will be nervous enough already without having to lecture on Torah!

While seated on a "throne," Beth is separately attended by her shoshvinim and both mothers. This is called hachnasat kallah (bridal retinue).

When ready, Beth will arrive at the tisch for the witnessing and signing of the Ketubah (at approximately 11:45 AM).


Ketubah
The Ketubah (marriage contract) dates back approximately 2100 years. It is commonly assumed to have been formalized in 80 B.C.E. by Simeon ben Shetech as a protection to wives in the event of becoming widowed or divorced (although proto-Ketubot may have existed for around 400 years prior). Originally these provisions were intended, among other things, to deter husbands from impulsively divorcing their wives. However, following a medieval rabbinic decree prohibiting divorce without the woman's consent, the ketubah became something of a formality.

It is a marriage contract written in Aramaic and set down in the Talmud that according to Jewish law must be signed by two witnesses unrelated to the bride or groom. This rule may be an extension of the law in Deuteronomy 24:16 which states that a father cannot be put to death based on the testimony of his own son. Our two witnesses (aidim) are Harry and Phil. The signing and witnessing of the Ketubah occurs at the chatan's tisch.

The Ketubah raised the status of women in the time it was initiated, as it outlined the husband's obligations regarding food, clothing, and other necessities, and provided the wife with financial security. It obligates David to feed, clothe, and please Beth. It also creates a lien on his property to pay her a lump sum and ongoing support if he divorces or predeceases her. The obligations of the wife to the husband are not spelled out in the Ketubah for they are assumed.

Our Ketubah was created by the artist Gad Almaliah.

Following the signing, the guests move to the location of the ceremony (outside, weather permitting).


Chupah
The wedding ceremony (ours begins at noon) takes place under the chupah (canopy), a symbol of the home to be built and shared by the couple. It is open on all sides, just as Abraham and Sarah had their tent open all sides to welcome friends and relatives in unconditional hospitality.

In addition, the chupah signals G-d's presence at the wedding, and is also a symbol of the groom's covering/taking of his bride as part of the Nissuin ceremony. In Talmudic times, the groom's father set up a purple tent in the courtyard of his home where the marriage would be consummated in a literal interpretation of nissuin. Nissuin eventually became a symbolic consummation, accomplished by the groom by covering the bride with a garment, such as his tallit. The current portable canopy supported by four poles first became popular in Poland about five hundred years ago.

On a deeper level, in Jewish tradition we cover what is precious to us. So we cover the Hallah loaves on Shabbat (and the person lighting the candles on Shabbat "covers" them by shielding her eyes), a groom covers his bride before the wedding ceremony (b'deken) and most precious of all, we lovingly cover and dress the Torah each time we read from it. Covering the couple underneath the chupah is another expression of this.

Our chupah was designed and built by Beth's parents.

Weather permitting, the chupah is held outside, under the stars (they are still there, even in daylight!), as a sign of the blessing given by G-d to the patriarch Abraham, that his children shall be "as the stars of the heavens."

The groom, followed by the bride, are escorted to the chupah by their respective sets of parents. Beth's parent's arms are linked through hers.


Hakafot
Under the chupah, Beth and David circle one another seven times. First Beth circles David three times, then David circles Beth three times, and then they circle each other once.

When Beth and David each walk their three circles, they are symbolically recreating G-d's betrothal to Israel: "Thus sayeth the Lord, I will betroth you to Me forever. I will betroth you with righteousness, with justice, with love, and with compassion. I will betroth you to Me with faithfulness, and you shall love the Lord." (Hosea 2:21-22)

The total of seven circles parallels the seven blessings of nissuin, as well as the seven days of creation, and remind the bride and groom that they are about to create a new world together. Just as the world was created in seven days, Beth and David are figuratively building the walls of their new home. Another explanation is that the seven circles correspond to the seven times in the Torah where it is written "... and when a man takes a wife."

Beth then settles at David's right-hand side.

Our rabbi, Ilyse, then welcomes the guests to G-d's "house" and asks G-d to bless the bride and groom.


Kiddushin
A Jewish wedding ceremony consists of two steps: betrothal (erusin) and nuptials (nissuin). Originally, these two ceremonies were performed as much as a year apart from each other; now, they are performed on the same day. Each is marked with a cup of wine, symbolizing life, joy, and G-d's many other gifts. The first step is called kiddushin, or sanctification.

Our rabbi first recites a blessing over wine. Next, she recites a blessing that praises G-d for giving us laws to sanctify Jewish family life. We then drink the wine from a kiddush cup which was presented to David in honor of his becoming a Bar Mitzvah, 18 years ago.


Kinyan
There are no vows at a Jewish wedding. Our "conditions" were stated during the tena'im ceremony. Instead, Beth raises her right hand to show that she consents to the marriage, which the witnesses observe. David then places a plain gold ring on Beth's finger, and says: Haray aht m'kudeshet li b'taba'at zu k'dat Moshe v'Yisrael. By this ring you are consecrated to me in accordance with the laws of Moses and Israel.

According to Jewish law, this is the central moment of the wedding ceremony, and the couple is now fully married at this point.

While the ring symbolizes eternity, shared authority, and protection, its central role is legal. The groom gives the bride an object of some legal value (this is called kinyan). However, the Talmud carefully distinguishes the acquisition of a wife from the acquisition of property. A betrothal is not a form of barter (a ring in exchange for a wife) but a monetary transaction, which changes the woman's legal status to that of a married woman.

Kinyan is frequently misunderstood today as an exchange in and of itself, and indeed its geneology descends from such acts. In Jewish law today, however, it is a symbolic act - the equivalent of a signature. In fact, for very Orthodox Jews, an act of kinyan is all that is required when accepting the Ketubah - neither bride nor groom signs it (only the witnesses do). Similarly, a signature is considered a valid kinyan (a handkerchief or a ring isn't the only way to do it!). For very Orthodox Jews, the groom accepts a handkerchief from the rabbi to accept his obligations stipulated in the Ketubah and the bride accepts a ring from the groom to accept the change of her legal status. Our ceremony was slightly different in that both Beth and David accepted the Ketubah, but we have kept the ring kinyan traditional. If David were acquiring Beth with payment of a ring, wouldn't he pay Beth's father with the ring instead of Beth herself?

If you are interested in the legal documentation surrounding this, you can check the Talmudic gemara in Kiddusin (6b) and (2b), Gittin (77b), and in the comments of the Ramban to Gittin (9a). Or you can just trust us - David is not purchasing Beth!

The ring is placed on the right index finger, instead of the left ring finger, because the left hand represents justice, while the right hand represents love. There is also an ancient belief that the right index finger was directly connected to the heart. In addition, the index finger is the most prominent. Beth will move the ring after the ceremony. David receives his ring later, during yichud, so as not to void the value of the ring he gives to Beth. It must be clear that Beth is receiving her ring for the purpose of betrothal, and not in exchange for some other item of value, such as a ring for David. Similarly, the ring must be unpierced and free of any precious stones to avoid any possible misrepresentation of its value.

In ancient times, coins were typically given for kinyan. In fact, they are still used by many Sephardic and Oriental Jews. Around 1400 years ago, rings replaced coins in most of Europe as the "gift of choice." Some commentators suggest that the preference for rings is attributable to their circular form, which symbolizes endless love between a husband and wife. Others see the circle as representing a link to the past and a commitment to the future. But for whatever reason, in North America today it is almost universally the custom to give a ring as the object of exchange.

An interesting custom in post-Renaissance Europe was the use of communal rings -- large, ornate objets d'art decorated either with representations of the Jerusalem Temple or a local synagogue. Such rings were objects of pride to the entire community and were lent to couples for their bridal celebrations.

The Ketubah is then read aloud by Ilyse (this reading separates the betrothal blessings from the marriage blessings) and given to Beth. It is her possession. If it is lost or stolen, she must receive a new one before resuming marital relations.

In marriage, the chatan accepts upon himself certain marital responsibilities which are detailed in the Ketubah. His principal obligations are to provide food, shelter and clothing for his wife, and to be attentive to her emotional needs. The protection of the rights of a Jewish wife is so important that the marriage may not be solemnized until the contract has been completed.


Nissuin
Nissuin begins with the sheva brachot (seven blessings), taken from the Talmud. Each blessing is recited by a different guest. The first blessing is recited over a cup of wine. The rest of the blessings praise G-d for the design of creation and marriage. The order of the blessings reminds us that the rejoicing of the bride and groom both echoes the joy of the first man and woman, and gives us a taste of the time when Jerusalem will be rebuilt and the Jewish people will be gathered in it.

  1. Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who creates the fruit of the vine.
  2. Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has created everything for His glory.
  3. Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who fashions humanity.
  4. Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has formed humanity in His image, in the image of the likeness of His structure (the repetition of the term for similarity is probably intended to keep the distance between G-d and human beings), and made from him an enduring structure (not the same Hebrew word as the one which occurs above. This one literally means "building"). Praised are You, Lord, who has formed human beings. (The reference here is to the story in Genesis about Eve's being made out of Adam's side, to be a companion to him, and to the role of men and women together in perpetuating humanity) May the barren one (the land of Israel, during the exile of the Jewish people) greatly rejoice and exult, as her children are gathered to her.
  5. Praised are You, Lord, who makes Zion glad through her children. (This blessing expresses a hope for Messianic redemption. It also hints at the importance of forming new Jewish families in keeping the Jewish people alive.)
  6. Grant perfect joy to the beloved companions, as You granted joy to Your creation in the Garden of Eden in ancient times. Praised are You, Lord, who makes the groom and the bride glad. (Another reference to the first couple, Adam and Eve, perhaps an expression of hope that the new couple will be able to avoid the trials and tribulations of ordinary human life)
  7. Praised are You, Lord our G-d, Ruler of the Universe, who has created joy and gladness, groom and bride, pleasure, song, delight, laughter, love, and harmony. Soon, Lord our G-d, may there be heard in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, groom and bride, the jubilant voices of those joined in marriage under the chupah, the voices of young people feasting and singing. Praised are You, Lord, who makes the groom rejoice with the bride. (Another Messianic prayer, probably a reference to the toning down of wedding celebrations after the destruction of the Temple. Connecting the life of the individual with the experience of the Jewish people as a whole is a common theme; it is one of the explanations of breaking a glass at weddings. While the previous blessing refers to the joy of the groom and the bride, this one refers to the joy of the groom with the bride, raising the rhetorical and emotional level somewhat.)

After the blessings are recited, David and Beth drink from the second cup of wine. Beth then recites a line from the Song of Songs: Ani l'dodi v'dodi li. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

Although this is not a halachic requirement, David now steps on a glass, shattering it (everyone shouts Mazel Tov, meaning "congratulations"). While some may say this is the last time David will get to put his foot down, this ancient custom actually fulfills the obligation to remember the destruction of Jerusalem, even in times of joy. It also recalls the shattering of the first tablets at Mount Sinai, where G-d and the Israelites entered into a marriage-like covenant - arguments and all.


Yichud
To complete nissuin, the bride and groom spend a short period alone in a separate room, guarded by the two witnesses. This yichud (seclusion) symbolizes consummation. Beth and David will also share a small meal, their first as newlyweds. It is also during this time that David will receive his ring. Because of this period of yichud, don't wait for a receiving line, just go straight to the celebration!

The Torah advises us that a wedding is achieved through "the giving of a valuable - money or ring - (to the woman), the presentation of a document, or through intimate living together." In our ceremony today (as in all modern Jewish wedding ceremonies), we have performed all three: kinyan, Ketubah, and yichud.


Se'udat Mitzvah
This means "Festive Meal." First guests will proceed to the cocktail reception room. After a few minutes, Beth and David come out of yichud, and the official celebration begins! After a short "winding down" period (the cocktail hour), guests will move into the main ballroom and Beth and David will shortly follow. Then everyone joins in dancing to celebrate in joy with the groom and bride (the mitzvah of l'sameach chatan v'kallah). Although the wedding feast in itself is a mitzvah, the emphasis is on entertaining the newlyweds. Rejoicing a bride and groom is such a central commandment in Judaism that it takes precedence even over learning Torah.

As the pandemonium ensues, don't be shy about joining in, even if you don't feel you know what to do. You'll pick it up in no time, and will have a great time. It is a great mitzvah (commandment or virtuous deed) to dance with the couple. Besides, it's very unlikely you'll look more ridiculous than David.

Next the eating will begin in earnest! The meal will officially be commenced by Ilyse, who will make the motzi, the blessing over the bread.

Beth and David again thank everyone for adding so much to the celebration with their presence.



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