Below is a collection of most of the EMail reminders Spite has sent out previously. You can sign up so you receive new ones as they emerge.
12/1/98
There's really nothing worse than dating. Well, except for the blind
dates -- those are even worse. Blind dates with people who turn out to
be a lot more unattractive than they had described are really bad.
Actually, blind dates that were formed at the last minute because you
just want something to do for Valentine's Day, and turn out to be with
someone fairly ugly are even worse. And of all dates which fall in that
category, the KillerQueen had the worst of them all.
DATING AL DENTE:
Chapter 1: THE GUY WHO JUMPED OUT OF MY CAR
by the KillerQueen
Thanks to KQ for pouring out her soul for our education/entertainment.
New Hate Mail, too.
11/17/98
Before I start rambling, let me tell you that there's a really funny
article on Spite right now, and you should check it out.
DEMOCRACY IS DEAD
Or, Powerball to the People
by James "Brutal" Williamson
James is funny enough that I read his piece even though it was about
politics. He also put this piece together for the usual Spite writer
rate: zippo. Add that to how I treat all contributors like crap, and you
really have to be impressed by these talented people who are helping
Spite out. That goes for Adam and everyone else who's been helping.
Instead of my usual boring, somewhat cryptic discussion of my personal
life that I usually like to put here, here's a list of my most common
typos while working on the World Wide Web:
www.cn..com, instead of www.cnn.com
"busty" instead of "busy" (makes for great emails)
Well, that's all I can think of. But I'll try to come up with more for
next week. Go goof off now for 20 minutes. Get a coffee or something.
It's on me. You deserve a break. Then come back and read this site.
Also, there's new Hate Mail. And the return of the funny Editor's Note!
11/10/98
This magazine is heading downhill. But when has that ever stopped us?
Well, often, actually. But not for too long. That's what great about
Spite: we get knocked down, but we get up again. We just hide face-down
in a muddy field while the big bully steps on our back and calls us a
woman and makes fun of our friends and we loudly agree until he gets
bored and walks away. And then we step up and -- after taking one last
look to make sure he's gone -- really, really tell him off. We get our
best ideas in those moments. It's why we write all of our pieces in the
Laundromat.
This week in Spite:
Adam Mathes is a fine young man at a fine school, but he can't help but
think that many of his classmates are pretentious idiots. We would pause
and tell him that HE'S just as much of one, but he sorta knows that, and
when we think about it, most of the writers at Spite always tended to
look down on their classmates, too. So who are we to throw stones? Oh,
yeah: we're Spite! It's okay to skip justification! It's not because
we're better, but it's more fun than forming actual opinions. And it's
gotten us a long way! But I've digressed. Adam talks about his fellow
pretentious philosophy class students this week in:
EROS IS LIKE, SOOOOOO COOL.
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/eros.html
No hate mail this week.
11/4/98
Election night is ending as I type this...WAIT, WAIT -- don't get bored
and stop reading! I PROMISE, I'm not going to talk about politics. Trust
me, I have no idea what's going on. I mean, I voted, but only because I
think the voting machines themselves are cool. I have NO idea what
levers I flipped. Really. I take the same random approach to my other
public obligation: jury duty. Guilty? Not Guilty? Depends on my mood.
And the flip of my evil coin. I've got no time for this informed
democracy crap. I have enough trouble just keeping track of what my area
code is.
Spite has a special feature this week:
UNAMERICAN.COM: The Truth in Five Words or Less
Interview with Srini Kumar by Will Hines
You know those annoying friends who have to tell you EVERY joke that
happened in their favorite sitcoms, or have to re-cap every episode of
Saturday Night Live they've every seen? That's me! And I'm the same way
about web sites. I like unamerican.com, and I felt like talking about it
a lot. But, Srini is a funny guy and I think y'all will really like this
interview. Let me know. It's all about bumper stickers.
New hate mail, too. And the shortest editor's note in my brief history
of writing them. Naturally, it's still brilliant.
10/29/98
Did you know that when Scotland finally got around to making a statue to
honor William Wallace (or whatever that Braveheart guy was called) that
they made it look like Mel Gibson? Is that ridiculous or what?
Anyway, there's another hastily-written piece on Spite:
FORGET JOHN GLENN; BRING ON THE GEEKS
by Bradford Contemporary
Plus new hate mail.
9/10/98
Special Emergency Spite Update:
I apologize for sending two updates in two days. Since America has just
completely lost its mind over baseball this week, I decided that our
recent baseball feature, although hard-hitting (get it?) and brilliant,
was not enough of a response. This morning, I added a second new feature
for the week, one which I find especially endearing since it features
me.
THE WILL HINES HOME RUN RACE
Or, I Am Sick Of Mark McGwire
by Will Hines
And don't forget to re-read the brilliant, reasoned and reasonable...
BOSTON RED SOX: THIS IS THEIR YEAR
by Greg Lancaster
Sorry again for the unusual influx of new material. As usual, please let
me know if you see any awful spelling mistakes (props to Niccolo for
helping out last week). See y'all later.
9/9/98
I went to my tenth year high school reunion this past weekend. I had
once planned a Spite extravaganza to celebrate this institution,
featuring five or six people each writing about their own reunions. Plus
I was going to secretly tape my former classmates telling me what they
had been up to. As with most of my grand schemes, it has not happened.
Instead, I'll just give you one comment I overheard.
"When you told jokes," a girl said to a guy. "It was like listening to
someone do a bad British accent. It was good enough that you know what
the person's trying to do, but not enough for it be like, good, in and
of itself."
No, she wasn't talking to me. But she could have been. And she could
have been talking about Spite! Speaking of which, we have a new article
this week:
BOSTON RED SOX: THIS IS THEIR YEAR
by Greg Lancaster
With all this fuss over the Yankees and this ridiculously overhyped home
run race, I thought Greg was the right person to remind you of what
matters more than baseball records, and that's Boston Red So baseball
records.
Sorry about the unusual Wednesday appearance of Spite. Labor Day and
all. See ya soon.
9/1/98
Some people would call them mistakes. As an alleged computer programmer,
I call them unresolved bugs. I'm talking about inaccuracies and
misspellings in Spite. See, it's not that I don't proofread. It's just
that I want the audience to be part of Spite. Don't think "rough draft".
Think "open source". YOU are all part of the editorial staff. And when
you help clean up our errors, well, you're really just doing your job.
Anyway, thanks to Niccolo for correcting the attribution in our Princess
Bride quote. And thanks to all the others who have so kindly pointed out
errors, that is, glitches.
New Stuff (go to the front page to read them):
DON'T ASK ME by the Killer Queen
The return of Spite's advice column, courtesy of the Killer Queen. As
usual, this column is not for tender ears.
SPITE! IMPROV
Kevin and I are co-creating an improvisational comic strip based on the
Spite staff. We felt that our respective hobbies didn't alienate us from
society enough on their own, so we've combined them together for greater
force.
Classic Spite:
DOWN WITH THE DOW by Will Hines
Waaaaaay back in April 1997, I called for the end of the stock market.
With the Dow crashing all around us, it doesn't sound so stupid, does
it? Let's all read this one again!
No hate mail. But I did add a really funny quote to the Spite quote pool
this week:
"Could it be that I'm a total shithead and never realized it before?"
-- Stinky, from the comic book Hate
8/25/98
Listen all of y'all: Spitemag has been updated. The staff here keeps it
on and on. We've got attractions like we're Elvis Costello. We've got
more rhymes than Jamaica got Mango. We're (not) Adam and we're adamant
about living large. Sort of.
JIMMY BUFFET: FESS UP OR GROW UP
by Brian Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/buffet/index.html
Also, shout-outs to everyone returning to school this week, including
Hines bro Brian. And to everyone too old for such nonsense, think about
quitting your job this week. Even though it's been years since you've
been in school, it would just FEEL RIGHT to change your routine about
this time of year, don't you think?
And there's new Hate Mail, too.
8/11/98
I went rollerblading with Lisa and Stadley Rough this weekend. I was
surprised to learn that when I walk, I lean heavily on the insides of my
feet. You don't notice in normal shoes, but in rollerblades it became
painfully -- and I mean painfully -- obvious that I walk like a duck.
Two hours of falling and straining followed, with Stadley reassuring me
that I would get the hang of it eventually. Do you ever get old enough
so you don't have to learn something you completely suck at?
Anyway, here's this week's article:
I WISH I WAS BALD AND FAT
More insensitive commentary about growing older
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/oldfat.html
In other news: Managing Editor Kevin Hines is starting a new job this
week. First of all, I ask you all to mentally transmit good wishes to
him, since the first week on a job is often emotionally difficult.
Second, I'd like you to follow those good vibes with a serious of mean,
punishing vibes because Kevin's job means HE'S NOT HERE TO HELP ME WITH
SPITE! With Brian following Posh Spice around the country, there's no
one left to help me lock up the shop at the end of the day! The
selfishness around here astounds me.
Second of all, a new They Might Be Giants live album hits the stores
today. Kevin and I were at one of the concerts represented on this
record. Buy it and be closer to Spite.
The hate mail has not been updated.
8/4/98
Occasionally, I have thoughts so immature even I can't tell anyone.
That's what I felt like after watching Spielberg's made-for-the-Oscars
Saving Private Ryan. Something was bothering me that I couldn't bring
myself to admit. Then I received a column from a mysterious Spite
columnist named JD. And I felt relieft to know that even if I am
emotionally stunted beyond repair, then at least I'm not alone, because
he noticed the same thing. What am I talking about? You'll have to see
for yourself, in the new Spite article:
PRIVATE RYAN's D-CUP DAY
by JD
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/ryan.html
But that's not all! Spite continue its tradition of cheap, unprovoked
shots at has-beens with this white-hot commentary:
SHOULD ALAN THICKE BE KILLED?
by Mark Richardson
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/atdeath.html
And don't forget to check out the brilliant editor's note (by me!) on
the front page.
Also, more people yell at us in the Hate Mail. See ya next week.
7/28/98
If there's one thing that 1960s Marvel Comics taught me, it's that no
sentence is too calm for an exclamation point! That's right! Every
phrase, thought and grunt can have its emotional weight intensified with
the mere presence of a "!" at the end! I wish I had remembered this
trick when I first applied for jobs after college!
But there's no time to dwell on past mistakes! Spite has updated it's
site yet again, so you have a reason to exist! Suck the oxygen back into
your lungs! Turn the gas off in the stove! Put away your belt, rope and
shoelaces because the love of your life -- my web site -- has
rejuvenated itself, and with it, your soul!
This week, you are living to read the following towering tale of
tumultuous turmoil!
BITTER GUY GOES TO A MEETING
http://www.spitemag.com/comics/bgmeet1.html
A soon-to-be-classic comic by Kevin Hines!
And there's a new editor's note on the front page! And there's also more
hate mail! What more could a Spitemag fan want?! Get going! Before those
summer doldrums clutch you again! See you next week!
(By the way, suck.com linked to us. Sure it was at the bottom of the
page. But we love suck, and felt really cool about it.
http://www.suck.com/daily/98/07/23/, if you'd like to see)
7/21/98:
Devoted Spite readers will have noticed that we haven't been posting
articles as often these days. We haven't given up on Spite, just become
extraordinarily lazy. Also, if you think you can do better, go ahead and
start you own 'zine. It's fun. Although on bad days, you'll feel like
the guy who thought he was founding the perfect rock band only to wake
up two years later and find himself at a wedding playing Foreigner.
We do have a new piece this week from the inimitable F. Amos Jester. I
should warn the regular Spite readers that unlike most Spite pieces,
this one has a point. I know we're risking our credibility as a
completely irrelevant piece of cyberspace by doing this but Amos is an
old friend and we couldn't get him to leave us alone without publishing
this. Also, his piece makes sense to this here farmer, so I can't see
any harm in hanging it out to dry to see what y'all think of it. The
piece we're talking about is:
HEY, THIRD WORLD: QUIT BITCHIN'
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/blame.html
by F. Amos Jester
Also, we only got one email this week, so I didn't post it. I'll put it
up next week, or the next time we update, which will be sometime this
year, I promise. Maybe.
7/14/98:
So anyway we don't have a new article on Spite. But I do have some
really interesting new mail, and a few features I wanted to tell
everyone about.
First of all, there's the mail.
http://www.spitemag.com/mail
One of the letters is a girl who calls herself kitana
(anatik@hotmail.com) who wants advice on a prank to pull on an on-line
friend. Who's more likely to help than people who have time to read
Spite? Please send any constructive ideas on pranks to kitana.
Second, I updated the "masthead", which lists Spite articles by author.
If you enjoyed one piece by Jill for example, you can easily find the
others she's written there. Also, if you've ever written anything for
Spite, you might want to check how I described you in case you want to
prepare a lawsuit.
http://www.spitemag.com/about/by_author.html
Third, I finally put a recommended links section together. If you're
tired of waiting for new stuff from Spite, I recommend everything on
this page to pass the time.
http://www.spitemag.com/about/links.html
Fourth, there's a new editor's note, which features thoughts from the
staff that are even more self-absorbed than the articles. These notes
are kept at the bottom of the front page of Spite, and I suspect that no
one even knows they're there. If you've missed them, and you want to
catch up, you can find all editor's notes ever posted here:
http://www.spitemag.com/editor
That's it. We've got a great article coming next week from the notorious
F. Amos Jester, so don't give up on the idea of Spite producing new
material yet.
6/23/98
There are a few things that history is leaving behind which deserve a
second chance: communism, Eddie Murphy, the Electric Light Orchestra and
Spite Magazine. If you haven't read us in a while, try again. We're hip
again, in case you didn't know.
So check out our new article. Like you've got anything better to do:
BEN AFFLECK: I'VE GOT YOUR BACK
Proof that Matt Damon did not write Good Will Hunting
by Brian Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/affleck.html
And there's a few new letters in the Hate Mail.
More good news: Spite readers are smart. Last week I asked if anyone
knew what "un chien andalusia" was referring to in the Pixies' song
"Debaser." A whole bunch of you did.
First of all, "Andalusia" a region of Spain (thanks to Jon Hand and a
handful of others for that).
Several people -- including the very illustrious and the very French
Truth Dealer (of Spite Message Board fame) -- knew that "Un chien
andalou" was the name of a surrealistic film done in 1929 by Luis Brunel
and Salvador Dali. Apparently, it's a 16-minute arty film, with a bunch
of random scenes that have nothing to do with each other, including a
close-up of a woman's eye being sliced open. (Thanks to Paul Bogel and
Mass Media'd, among others). That also explains the other lyrics of the
Pixies' song -- "Got me a movie, slicing up eyeballs, girl is so groovy,
I am un chien andalusia, I want to grow up to be a debaser".
Anyway, thanks to everyone who helped me out. I never would have figured
this out. You're all too smart to be wasting your time at SpiteMag,
that's for sure.
Uh, anyone know why they say "debaser"?
6/16/98
You were probably wondering: "What can I do to help Will Hines and that
stupid web page he does? What is it called? Spite? I can never remember.
Oooh, is it 10:30 already? Almost lunch time. Wait, what was I thinking
about? Hmmm, must not have been important..."
Well, now's your chance to help. I need someone who speaks French. The
chorus of the Pixies' song "Debaser" has this phrase: "un chien
andalusia". Apparently, a "chien" is a dog but I can't find out what an
"andalusia" is, if anything. Does anyone know? Thanks in advance for
your help.
Oh, and there's a new article on Spite:
ORIGIN OF MY ANNOYANCE
by Jill Waldbieser
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/darwin/index.html
And two new pieces of Hate Mail.
6/9/98
Know what phrase drives me nuts? "Terrific prose." No, not just because
no one ever applies it to Spite, but because it's a sure sign of one
wannabe writer complimenting another. Usually in reference to an
old-fashioned epic in Victorian England. Whatever. Zippy references to
crumpets do not terrific prose make. I'd rather watch the terrific tube
sitting on my auspicious ass.
Anyway, this week in Spite:
F. Amos Jester tackles, er, everything in:
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU REALLY SUCK
http://www.spitemag.com/five/suck/index.html
And our resident cartoon hero bites the hand that feeds him in
BITTER GUY SURFS THE WEB
http://www.spitemag.com/comics/bgsurf.html
And no new Hate Mail! What a bummer. Well, actually I got six letters
from Hanson fans, two from Alanis fans, and one from a defensive
Canadian (Julie, help me. How can I stop them?). But I think had pretty
much the same letters up already from last week, so why work?
6/2/98:
Here at Spite, we are "hot so cold, so cold we're hot. something
something something something beauty spot". Anyone know that song?
Anyone? Well, anyway we're pretty sure it's about mood swings and mixed
signals. And that's something we specialize in here at Spite. One week,
we're here. Then we're not. Then we're here. Then we're not. All in all,
we're a pretty bitchy 'zine for a predominantly male staff. But it's
just because we like to keep you faithful readers on your toes. No one's
taking anyone for granted in this relationship, that's for sure. And if
there's any way to be passive-aggressive through EMail, we'll find it,
if we haven't already.
This week,
PAUL MCCARTNEY: MY NEXT PIECE OF ASS
by Yoko Ono
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/yoko/index.html
Plus there's tons o' mail, including a Shakespearean sonnet, messages
from an irate Canadian, and a plea from a Tony Danza fan.
See ya next week. Really.
5/19/98:
The June 1998 issue of Wired features an article by Joey Anuff,
co-founder of granddaddy webzine Suck, called "I Think SpiteMag Should
Start Publishing Again." Well, actually, it was called "The WebZine Food
Chain" and didn't mention Spite at all, but we know what he meant.
Maybe. I didn't actually read the article, but I bet that the Great
Anuff was calling for the web to not give up on way-cool zines like
Spite. I bet he was calling for SpiteMag staffers to get off of their
collective crusty butts and start writing again. Fired up, we called a
meeting, greased the appropriate palms, kissed the right ass, and
resurrected Spite from its Lazarus-like death.
And you, lucky reader, are the benefactor. Because Spite is back, baby,
and it's not pulling any punches. I think. Probably. Anyway...
This week...
NO really, really means NO in...
REJECTION by Jill Waldbieser
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/rejection/index.html
Also, there's new Hate Mail.
There are even older ones of these.