Below is a collection of most of the EMail reminders Spite has sent out previously. You can sign up so you receive new ones as they emerge.

12/1/98
There's really nothing worse than dating. Well, except for the blind dates -- those are even worse. Blind dates with people who turn out to be a lot more unattractive than they had described are really bad. Actually, blind dates that were formed at the last minute because you just want something to do for Valentine's Day, and turn out to be with someone fairly ugly are even worse. And of all dates which fall in that category, the KillerQueen had the worst of them all.

DATING AL DENTE:
Chapter 1: THE GUY WHO JUMPED OUT OF MY CAR
by the KillerQueen

Thanks to KQ for pouring out her soul for our education/entertainment.

New Hate Mail, too.
11/17/98
Before I start rambling, let me tell you that there's a really funny article on Spite right now, and you should check it out.

DEMOCRACY IS DEAD
Or, Powerball to the People
by James "Brutal" Williamson

James is funny enough that I read his piece even though it was about politics. He also put this piece together for the usual Spite writer rate: zippo. Add that to how I treat all contributors like crap, and you really have to be impressed by these talented people who are helping Spite out. That goes for Adam and everyone else who's been helping.

Instead of my usual boring, somewhat cryptic discussion of my personal life that I usually like to put here, here's a list of my most common typos while working on the World Wide Web:

www.cn..com, instead of www.cnn.com
"busty" instead of "busy" (makes for great emails)

Well, that's all I can think of. But I'll try to come up with more for next week. Go goof off now for 20 minutes. Get a coffee or something. It's on me. You deserve a break. Then come back and read this site.

Also, there's new Hate Mail. And the return of the funny Editor's Note!
11/10/98
This magazine is heading downhill. But when has that ever stopped us? Well, often, actually. But not for too long. That's what great about Spite: we get knocked down, but we get up again. We just hide face-down in a muddy field while the big bully steps on our back and calls us a woman and makes fun of our friends and we loudly agree until he gets bored and walks away. And then we step up and -- after taking one last look to make sure he's gone -- really, really tell him off. We get our best ideas in those moments. It's why we write all of our pieces in the Laundromat.

This week in Spite:

Adam Mathes is a fine young man at a fine school, but he can't help but think that many of his classmates are pretentious idiots. We would pause and tell him that HE'S just as much of one, but he sorta knows that, and when we think about it, most of the writers at Spite always tended to look down on their classmates, too. So who are we to throw stones? Oh, yeah: we're Spite! It's okay to skip justification! It's not because we're better, but it's more fun than forming actual opinions. And it's gotten us a long way! But I've digressed. Adam talks about his fellow pretentious philosophy class students this week in:

EROS IS LIKE, SOOOOOO COOL.
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/eros.html

No hate mail this week.
11/4/98
Election night is ending as I type this...WAIT, WAIT -- don't get bored and stop reading! I PROMISE, I'm not going to talk about politics. Trust me, I have no idea what's going on. I mean, I voted, but only because I think the voting machines themselves are cool. I have NO idea what levers I flipped. Really. I take the same random approach to my other public obligation: jury duty. Guilty? Not Guilty? Depends on my mood. And the flip of my evil coin. I've got no time for this informed democracy crap. I have enough trouble just keeping track of what my area code is.

Spite has a special feature this week:
UNAMERICAN.COM: The Truth in Five Words or Less
Interview with Srini Kumar by Will Hines

You know those annoying friends who have to tell you EVERY joke that happened in their favorite sitcoms, or have to re-cap every episode of Saturday Night Live they've every seen? That's me! And I'm the same way about web sites. I like unamerican.com, and I felt like talking about it a lot. But, Srini is a funny guy and I think y'all will really like this interview. Let me know. It's all about bumper stickers.

New hate mail, too. And the shortest editor's note in my brief history of writing them. Naturally, it's still brilliant.
10/29/98
Did you know that when Scotland finally got around to making a statue to honor William Wallace (or whatever that Braveheart guy was called) that they made it look like Mel Gibson? Is that ridiculous or what?

Anyway, there's another hastily-written piece on Spite:

FORGET JOHN GLENN; BRING ON THE GEEKS
by Bradford Contemporary

Plus new hate mail.
9/10/98
Special Emergency Spite Update:

I apologize for sending two updates in two days. Since America has just completely lost its mind over baseball this week, I decided that our recent baseball feature, although hard-hitting (get it?) and brilliant, was not enough of a response. This morning, I added a second new feature for the week, one which I find especially endearing since it features me.

THE WILL HINES HOME RUN RACE
Or, I Am Sick Of Mark McGwire
by Will Hines

And don't forget to re-read the brilliant, reasoned and reasonable...

BOSTON RED SOX: THIS IS THEIR YEAR
by Greg Lancaster

Sorry again for the unusual influx of new material. As usual, please let me know if you see any awful spelling mistakes (props to Niccolo for helping out last week). See y'all later.
9/9/98
I went to my tenth year high school reunion this past weekend. I had once planned a Spite extravaganza to celebrate this institution, featuring five or six people each writing about their own reunions. Plus I was going to secretly tape my former classmates telling me what they had been up to. As with most of my grand schemes, it has not happened. Instead, I'll just give you one comment I overheard.

"When you told jokes," a girl said to a guy. "It was like listening to someone do a bad British accent. It was good enough that you know what the person's trying to do, but not enough for it be like, good, in and of itself."

No, she wasn't talking to me. But she could have been. And she could have been talking about Spite! Speaking of which, we have a new article this week:

BOSTON RED SOX: THIS IS THEIR YEAR
by Greg Lancaster

With all this fuss over the Yankees and this ridiculously overhyped home run race, I thought Greg was the right person to remind you of what matters more than baseball records, and that's Boston Red So baseball records.

Sorry about the unusual Wednesday appearance of Spite. Labor Day and all. See ya soon.
9/1/98
Some people would call them mistakes. As an alleged computer programmer, I call them unresolved bugs. I'm talking about inaccuracies and misspellings in Spite. See, it's not that I don't proofread. It's just that I want the audience to be part of Spite. Don't think "rough draft". Think "open source". YOU are all part of the editorial staff. And when you help clean up our errors, well, you're really just doing your job.

Anyway, thanks to Niccolo for correcting the attribution in our Princess Bride quote. And thanks to all the others who have so kindly pointed out errors, that is, glitches.

New Stuff (go to the front page to read them):

DON'T ASK ME by the Killer Queen
The return of Spite's advice column, courtesy of the Killer Queen. As usual, this column is not for tender ears.

SPITE! IMPROV
Kevin and I are co-creating an improvisational comic strip based on the Spite staff. We felt that our respective hobbies didn't alienate us from society enough on their own, so we've combined them together for greater force.

Classic Spite:

DOWN WITH THE DOW by Will Hines
Waaaaaay back in April 1997, I called for the end of the stock market. With the Dow crashing all around us, it doesn't sound so stupid, does it? Let's all read this one again!

No hate mail. But I did add a really funny quote to the Spite quote pool this week:

"Could it be that I'm a total shithead and never realized it before?"
-- Stinky, from the comic book Hate
8/25/98
Listen all of y'all: Spitemag has been updated. The staff here keeps it on and on. We've got attractions like we're Elvis Costello. We've got more rhymes than Jamaica got Mango. We're (not) Adam and we're adamant about living large. Sort of.

JIMMY BUFFET: FESS UP OR GROW UP
by Brian Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/buffet/index.html

Also, shout-outs to everyone returning to school this week, including Hines bro Brian. And to everyone too old for such nonsense, think about quitting your job this week. Even though it's been years since you've been in school, it would just FEEL RIGHT to change your routine about this time of year, don't you think?

And there's new Hate Mail, too.
8/11/98
I went rollerblading with Lisa and Stadley Rough this weekend. I was surprised to learn that when I walk, I lean heavily on the insides of my feet. You don't notice in normal shoes, but in rollerblades it became painfully -- and I mean painfully -- obvious that I walk like a duck. Two hours of falling and straining followed, with Stadley reassuring me that I would get the hang of it eventually. Do you ever get old enough so you don't have to learn something you completely suck at?

Anyway, here's this week's article:

I WISH I WAS BALD AND FAT
More insensitive commentary about growing older
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/oldfat.html

In other news: Managing Editor Kevin Hines is starting a new job this week. First of all, I ask you all to mentally transmit good wishes to him, since the first week on a job is often emotionally difficult. Second, I'd like you to follow those good vibes with a serious of mean, punishing vibes because Kevin's job means HE'S NOT HERE TO HELP ME WITH SPITE! With Brian following Posh Spice around the country, there's no one left to help me lock up the shop at the end of the day! The selfishness around here astounds me.

Second of all, a new They Might Be Giants live album hits the stores today. Kevin and I were at one of the concerts represented on this record. Buy it and be closer to Spite.

The hate mail has not been updated.


8/4/98
Occasionally, I have thoughts so immature even I can't tell anyone. That's what I felt like after watching Spielberg's made-for-the-Oscars Saving Private Ryan. Something was bothering me that I couldn't bring myself to admit. Then I received a column from a mysterious Spite columnist named JD. And I felt relieft to know that even if I am emotionally stunted beyond repair, then at least I'm not alone, because he noticed the same thing. What am I talking about? You'll have to see for yourself, in the new Spite article:

PRIVATE RYAN's D-CUP DAY
by JD
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/ryan.html

But that's not all! Spite continue its tradition of cheap, unprovoked shots at has-beens with this white-hot commentary:

SHOULD ALAN THICKE BE KILLED?
by Mark Richardson
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/atdeath.html

And don't forget to check out the brilliant editor's note (by me!) on the front page.

Also, more people yell at us in the Hate Mail. See ya next week.


7/28/98
If there's one thing that 1960s Marvel Comics taught me, it's that no sentence is too calm for an exclamation point! That's right! Every phrase, thought and grunt can have its emotional weight intensified with the mere presence of a "!" at the end! I wish I had remembered this trick when I first applied for jobs after college!

But there's no time to dwell on past mistakes! Spite has updated it's site yet again, so you have a reason to exist! Suck the oxygen back into your lungs! Turn the gas off in the stove! Put away your belt, rope and shoelaces because the love of your life -- my web site -- has rejuvenated itself, and with it, your soul!

This week, you are living to read the following towering tale of tumultuous turmoil!

BITTER GUY GOES TO A MEETING
http://www.spitemag.com/comics/bgmeet1.html

A soon-to-be-classic comic by Kevin Hines!

And there's a new editor's note on the front page! And there's also more hate mail! What more could a Spitemag fan want?! Get going! Before those summer doldrums clutch you again! See you next week!

(By the way, suck.com linked to us. Sure it was at the bottom of the page. But we love suck, and felt really cool about it. http://www.suck.com/daily/98/07/23/, if you'd like to see)


7/21/98:
Devoted Spite readers will have noticed that we haven't been posting articles as often these days. We haven't given up on Spite, just become extraordinarily lazy. Also, if you think you can do better, go ahead and start you own 'zine. It's fun. Although on bad days, you'll feel like the guy who thought he was founding the perfect rock band only to wake up two years later and find himself at a wedding playing Foreigner.

We do have a new piece this week from the inimitable F. Amos Jester. I should warn the regular Spite readers that unlike most Spite pieces, this one has a point. I know we're risking our credibility as a completely irrelevant piece of cyberspace by doing this but Amos is an old friend and we couldn't get him to leave us alone without publishing this. Also, his piece makes sense to this here farmer, so I can't see any harm in hanging it out to dry to see what y'all think of it. The piece we're talking about is:

HEY, THIRD WORLD: QUIT BITCHIN'
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/blame.html
by F. Amos Jester

Also, we only got one email this week, so I didn't post it. I'll put it up next week, or the next time we update, which will be sometime this year, I promise. Maybe.
7/14/98:
So anyway we don't have a new article on Spite. But I do have some really interesting new mail, and a few features I wanted to tell everyone about.

First of all, there's the mail.
http://www.spitemag.com/mail

One of the letters is a girl who calls herself kitana (anatik@hotmail.com) who wants advice on a prank to pull on an on-line friend. Who's more likely to help than people who have time to read Spite? Please send any constructive ideas on pranks to kitana.

Second, I updated the "masthead", which lists Spite articles by author. If you enjoyed one piece by Jill for example, you can easily find the others she's written there. Also, if you've ever written anything for Spite, you might want to check how I described you in case you want to prepare a lawsuit.
http://www.spitemag.com/about/by_author.html

Third, I finally put a recommended links section together. If you're tired of waiting for new stuff from Spite, I recommend everything on this page to pass the time.
http://www.spitemag.com/about/links.html

Fourth, there's a new editor's note, which features thoughts from the staff that are even more self-absorbed than the articles. These notes are kept at the bottom of the front page of Spite, and I suspect that no one even knows they're there. If you've missed them, and you want to catch up, you can find all editor's notes ever posted here:
http://www.spitemag.com/editor

That's it. We've got a great article coming next week from the notorious F. Amos Jester, so don't give up on the idea of Spite producing new material yet.
6/23/98
There are a few things that history is leaving behind which deserve a second chance: communism, Eddie Murphy, the Electric Light Orchestra and Spite Magazine. If you haven't read us in a while, try again. We're hip again, in case you didn't know.

So check out our new article. Like you've got anything better to do:

BEN AFFLECK: I'VE GOT YOUR BACK
Proof that Matt Damon did not write Good Will Hunting
by Brian Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/affleck.html

And there's a few new letters in the Hate Mail.

More good news: Spite readers are smart. Last week I asked if anyone knew what "un chien andalusia" was referring to in the Pixies' song "Debaser." A whole bunch of you did.

First of all, "Andalusia" a region of Spain (thanks to Jon Hand and a handful of others for that).

Several people -- including the very illustrious and the very French Truth Dealer (of Spite Message Board fame) -- knew that "Un chien andalou" was the name of a surrealistic film done in 1929 by Luis Brunel and Salvador Dali. Apparently, it's a 16-minute arty film, with a bunch of random scenes that have nothing to do with each other, including a close-up of a woman's eye being sliced open. (Thanks to Paul Bogel and Mass Media'd, among others). That also explains the other lyrics of the Pixies' song -- "Got me a movie, slicing up eyeballs, girl is so groovy, I am un chien andalusia, I want to grow up to be a debaser".

Anyway, thanks to everyone who helped me out. I never would have figured this out. You're all too smart to be wasting your time at SpiteMag, that's for sure.

Uh, anyone know why they say "debaser"?
6/16/98
You were probably wondering: "What can I do to help Will Hines and that stupid web page he does? What is it called? Spite? I can never remember. Oooh, is it 10:30 already? Almost lunch time. Wait, what was I thinking about? Hmmm, must not have been important..."

Well, now's your chance to help. I need someone who speaks French. The chorus of the Pixies' song "Debaser" has this phrase: "un chien andalusia". Apparently, a "chien" is a dog but I can't find out what an "andalusia" is, if anything. Does anyone know? Thanks in advance for your help.

Oh, and there's a new article on Spite:

ORIGIN OF MY ANNOYANCE
by Jill Waldbieser
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/darwin/index.html

And two new pieces of Hate Mail.
6/9/98
Know what phrase drives me nuts? "Terrific prose." No, not just because no one ever applies it to Spite, but because it's a sure sign of one wannabe writer complimenting another. Usually in reference to an old-fashioned epic in Victorian England. Whatever. Zippy references to crumpets do not terrific prose make. I'd rather watch the terrific tube sitting on my auspicious ass.

Anyway, this week in Spite:

F. Amos Jester tackles, er, everything in:
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU REALLY SUCK
http://www.spitemag.com/five/suck/index.html

And our resident cartoon hero bites the hand that feeds him in
BITTER GUY SURFS THE WEB
http://www.spitemag.com/comics/bgsurf.html

And no new Hate Mail! What a bummer. Well, actually I got six letters from Hanson fans, two from Alanis fans, and one from a defensive Canadian (Julie, help me. How can I stop them?). But I think had pretty much the same letters up already from last week, so why work?
6/2/98:
Here at Spite, we are "hot so cold, so cold we're hot. something something something something beauty spot". Anyone know that song? Anyone? Well, anyway we're pretty sure it's about mood swings and mixed signals. And that's something we specialize in here at Spite. One week, we're here. Then we're not. Then we're here. Then we're not. All in all, we're a pretty bitchy 'zine for a predominantly male staff. But it's just because we like to keep you faithful readers on your toes. No one's taking anyone for granted in this relationship, that's for sure. And if there's any way to be passive-aggressive through EMail, we'll find it, if we haven't already.

This week,

PAUL MCCARTNEY: MY NEXT PIECE OF ASS
by Yoko Ono
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/yoko/index.html

Plus there's tons o' mail, including a Shakespearean sonnet, messages from an irate Canadian, and a plea from a Tony Danza fan.

See ya next week. Really.
5/19/98:
The June 1998 issue of Wired features an article by Joey Anuff, co-founder of granddaddy webzine Suck, called "I Think SpiteMag Should Start Publishing Again." Well, actually, it was called "The WebZine Food Chain" and didn't mention Spite at all, but we know what he meant. Maybe. I didn't actually read the article, but I bet that the Great Anuff was calling for the web to not give up on way-cool zines like Spite. I bet he was calling for SpiteMag staffers to get off of their collective crusty butts and start writing again. Fired up, we called a meeting, greased the appropriate palms, kissed the right ass, and resurrected Spite from its Lazarus-like death.

And you, lucky reader, are the benefactor. Because Spite is back, baby, and it's not pulling any punches. I think. Probably. Anyway...
This week...

NO really, really means NO in...

REJECTION by Jill Waldbieser

http://www.spitemag.com/bile/rejection/index.html

Also, there's new Hate Mail.
There are even older ones of these.