There are newer ones of these.
5/12/98:
(from Managing Editor and younger brother Kevin Hines)
Despite the boast "Updated Tuesdays!", Spite has not published any new
material for the last two weeks. For the three of you who noticed (out
of the 127 who receive this mailing ), I decided to offer something to
tide you over until next week when Will hopefully gets his act together
and puts together some new material. ( assuming he stops his whining..."
I've been working two jobs...I barely have time to sleep, let alone work
on Spite...I'm a little baby....boo hoo..." )
But rest assured this is more than mere filler. This is an tale of epic
proportions! Move over, Tolstoy's "War and Peace"! Make room, Homer's
"Iliad"! Stand aside, Danielle Steele's " Palomino "! Prepare for
Hines's " The Death of Bitter Guy! "
THE DEATH OF BITTER GUY
http://www.spitemag.com/comics/bgded.html
Don't forget to check out the fact that the Hate Mail has not been
updated!
http://www.spitemag.com/mail/
Regards,
Kevin Hines
Managing Editor
I don't think I said "I'm a little baby." - Will
4/21/98
I don't have a whole lot of time to talk this week, friends. We've just
finished uploading a new look for Spite, and the press is already
starting to ring my phone off the hook for quotes about how I think this
will change the Internet. Needless to say, I need time to properly form
my response. When the editor of Spite speaks too hastily, he risks
disturbing the stability of the world's financial markets! That, and
there's a Baywatch marathon on television in a few minutes.
Anyway, we've got a new look for y'all. Please check it out, and let me
know what you think. Many of you checked out the preview page and gave
us your thoughts. Thank you, but this week, we would like only praise.
Well, actually, if you see any errors, or have any suggestions, drop me
an EMail anyway. Last time we did this, we deleted the front page and
spelled "introducing" wrong on the new story, so there's no telling
what's happened this time.
And not only do we have the new Spite look for you, but we've managed to
concoct another Spite masterpiece. This one took seventy-two days, over
sixty drafts and a team of editors and fact-checkers to prepare:
AN OPEN LETTER TO CAROL ANN WESTON, WHO SUGGESTED
I MISQUOTED THE BEATLES, BUT WAS WRONG
by Will Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/beatles.html
In addition, there's some new mail, mostly from Hanson fans, again. See
ya soon.
4/14/98:
You guys are lucky: There is NO NEW SPITE article this week. Bradford is
too busy -- just typed busty, but you know what I mean -- constructing
elaborate lies to the IRS and enduring personal crisis to finish the
epistle we planned to run. It's the first time since November 18 that
Spite has missed its weekly deadline. Failure like that makes us Spite
staffers smile, because it really takes the pressure off from here on
out.
So why am I bothering you? Well, first of all, I wanted to stop the
thousands of EMails pouring in (assuming "thousands" can also mean
"six") asking why there was no new Spite. Also, I have a few news items
for y'all:
1) Spite passed 10,000 hits to its front page this week. That's since
11/18. In web terms, that's pathetic. By our own low standards, it's a
wicked-cool thrill, man.
2) We are preparing a new look for the mag. If you're curious, please
look:
http://www.spitemag.com/new_front6.html
There are lots of broken links, but you'll get the idea. Please forward
any suggestions or reactions to me -- Will Hines -- at
whines@unicast.com.
3) If you're desperate for new things to look at on the web, you can
check these out. They're sorta cool:
http://www.fezine.com, http://www.thefinger.com
4/7/98:
Don't take this personally, but you -- and only you -- are the bane of
my existence.
Really. You. No, not anyone else who receives this mailing. Just you.
Because YOU have not told enough of your friends about Spite. Oh I know,
the readership for Spite is jumping tremendously -- the hit count is
skyrocketing in recent weeks. And the mailing list membership is growing
all the time. But that's beside the point. We here at Spite have been
watching YOU, to see what YOU have been doing to help Spite grow. And
frankly, we're not very impressed. Your personal phone calls seem to
avoid the topic of Spite Magazine. Actually, you seem to talk about
yourself a lot, and that sort of self-absorption is not very attractive.
Neither is the sort of rubbish in your letters, or the sort of rubbish
in your rubbish for that matter. Tired of me talking? Then get
moving....get your friends addicted to this 'zine. Now. Or I'll be on
your front porch with pamphlets, talking about the end of the world.
Anyway, this week in Spite, a new writer, Samuel Barks, discusses a
matter close to all of our hearts, or at least or clocks: Daylight
Savings Time
TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN, BUT IT SHOULD
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/time/index.html
(Thanks to Kevin for editing Sam's stuff. The guy was a mess!)
And of course, there's more mail. And of course, it's almost all about
Hanson.
If anyone catches any typos or anything, lemme know, would ya? They
don't pay me like they should, and I'm skipping out early. Appreciate
it.
3/31/98:
Winter just done went on and broke here in the Big Apple this week,
after a few 70-degree days shattered any hope of a real cold spell for
early 1998. And, like rotting flowers opening to a radiation-tinted
dawn, the fine residents of New York City came out of hiding. The rats
ran out of the cellars and into Central Park; the rollerbladers put on
their "Save Ferris" T-Shirts and got in everyone's way; spoiled pretty
girls from overpriced colleges started wearing skirts their Daddy's
bought them for their new internship at Hip Weekly, Inc. And all the
while we Spite staffers just sat in our office, staring at our shadows,
refusing to come out, because there's just too much crud on our skins
for any amount of sun to bake off. And we don't care how loudly you play
your ska music, we will resist this brief weakness of happy weather,
anxiously waiting for skull-crushing humidity to settle in, so we can
feel at home again.
This week:
A BIT OF A BAD WEEK
http://www.spitemag.com/five/week.html
A 500-Word Rant from The Killer Queen, the woman who could make all
those South Park kids blush, and worse.
And we even got hate mail.
By the way, this list is now distributed to more than 100 people, which
is about 90 more people than we thought would sign up this year. Sure,
Yahoo!'s not shaking in their boots...yet, but who knows what the future
will bring?
3/24/98:
New stuff:
HIDING FROM THE MAN
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/hide/hide.html
By Bradford Contemporary
BITTER GUY GOES BOWLING
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/bgbowl.html
By Kevin Hines
Read them. They're funny.
3/17/98:
I'm not sure if this is planned, but invariably track nine is my
favorite on any CD. It's usually just past the two-thirds mark of an
album, and it often contains the great song that's never released as a
single and played to death. Some great Track 9s I have known, in order
of decreasing sappiness: You Never Give Me Your Money (Beatles), Spin
the Bottle (Juliana Hatfield), Spy (TMBG), She's Electric (Oasis),
Mesmerizing (Liz Phair), Red Red Wine (Replacements), Non-Stop Dancing
(The Jam) and Pennyroyal Tea (Nirvana).
That's got nothing to do with this week's Spite, which includes:
THE JEWEL SYNDROME
http://www.spitemag.com/five/popta.html
Jill Waldbieser tosses a big fat ball of phlegm at female would-be
rockers who kiss fashion's ass to become famous.
DON'T ASK ME
http://www.spitemag.com/ask/index.html
It's advice. You read. And write. We answer. This week: a few guys send
in coy letters and the Killer Queen tears them up.
There's also new mail.
As always, let me know what you think of this week's offering. First
person to send an EMail with all of the albums referred to in the first
paragraph wins a drawing of Bitter Guy in ASCII text.
3/10/98:
We all have our pressures. And as stresses build -- at work, in our love
lives, or lack thereof, and with our friends -- we strive to find
rational solutions, that solve our problems while placing the lightest
possible burdens on others.
Unless that stress is a blaring car alarm, in which case we at Spite
urge you to start chucking shit at the car.
This point is illuminated clearly in this week's article:
VANDALISM
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/vandal.html
Talia Sher tells a tale of car alarms, rotted fruit and justice.
Don't forget our advice column, DON'T ASK ME. We've gotten great
response so far to the concept of the column, but few people are writing
in with requests for advice. We realize that some of you are reluctant
to discuss your personal lives with us, and we respect that. But why not
write in and discuss the personal lives of your friends, loved ones,
co-workers and even the people sitting next to you on the bus this
morning? We don't really respect any of them. Let's talk about them!
Send your advice to killerqueen@spitemag.com
3/3/98:
Much of my time is spent sneering at people I consider more foolish than
myself. Until its 2 in the morning, I'm suddenly old enough to have a
youngest brother who's 21, and I'm busy typing up a web 'zine. At that
point I usually just lay low.
Luckily, the Spite writers are doing anything but.
This week, for your pointless enjoyment:
DON'T ASK ME
http://www.spitemag.com/ask/index.html
Just two weeks old, this wildly popular advice column, written by the
Killer Queen (there must be a joke here), has generated PAIRS of letters
for you to consider and dissect. Don't miss out.
THE ART OF THE GRUDGE
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/grudge.html
Have you ever found yourself acting inexcusably petty? Jill Waldbieser
cheers you on.
Hope y'all like them. Lemme know whatcha think.
2/24/98:
For all you of out there who aren't Catholic (don't forget: you're going
to Hell) you should know: today is Fat Tuesday. They call it that
because it's the last chance to party hearty (hardy?) before Lent, when
all good Catholics prove their devotion by giving up a luxury for 40
days, and maybe killing their oldest sheep. I could be getting the
details wrong; it's been a while. I'm not really an authority. In my
family, giving things up for Lent didn't even last as long as upholding
New Year's resolutions, which we never even made. Am I talking too much?
Anyway, whatever your personal beliefs, today's a good day to pig out,
because there will be plenty of others doing it. So get up, get down,
shake your booty all around, and splurge, indulge and gorge your
ravenous hunger for bile on this week's helping of Spite.
First and foremost, we're thrilled to introduce a new advice column,
DON'T ASK ME
http://www.spitemag.com/ask/index.html
by our favorite jaded Canadian, the Killer Queen. Read it, and write us.
And if that weren't enough to satiate you appe-tate (rhymes!), we
present our third installment of the Amazing Adventures of Bitter Guy
in:
BITTER GUY GOES TO LUNCH
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/bguy3a.html
scrawled by Managing Editor Kevin Hines, to whom I still owe a Hostess
snack. Hmmm. Maybe he'll give them up for Lent.
And after you're done eating, burping, gargling and maybe regurgitating,
you can always check the Hate Mail if you're still hungry.
Lemme know what ya think.
2/17/98:
EARLY MONDAY MORNING, A RAILROAD STATION IN NEW HAVEN: My train isn't
due for an hour because of President's Day, a silly holiday which I had
forgotten. I sip coffee too quickly and my tongue burns. I inhale,
gritting my yellowed teeth so tightly I think my gums are going to
bleed. I blink, and my dried contact lenses rub against my eyelids like
wood chips. The caffeine makes my feet tap nervously, but I keep nodding
off anyway as I struggle to not stare at the bums. Today, I think, is
going to suck.
But that was then. NOW should be much better, since Spite has three
pieces to offer for all of our amusement!
First, it our proud pleasure to present Noel Gallagher, songwriter and
guitarist for the rock band Oasis, as he delivers the brilliant
diatribe:
I SHOULD OV BEEN IN FOOKING TITANIC
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/noel.html
Second, Spite staffers Will Hines and Jim Foster sink to new lows in
boring, petty competition as they present:
THE WAR TO FINISH WAR AND PEACE
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/war.html
And third, as the world's Olympic athletes prepare to graciously compete
as a tribute to world harmony, Greg Lancaster tears them apart in:
MOVE IT OR LUGE IT
http://www.spitemag.com/five/luge.html
No new mail this week. If we cared, we'd cry.
2/10/98:
I'm glad I never gave the president a blow job, because I would hate to
have all my Valentines of the past couple of years subpoenaed. All those
sweet nothings and half-truths I scrawled to unappreciative damsels on
display for the world to ridicule? I'd rather be trapped forever at my
high school prom, having to relentlessly re-pin a $30 corsage onto a
girl with wandering eyes...
But I digress. It's Valentine's Day, and Spite has a few thoughts on the
subject:
"Celibacy...or How I Learned To Stop Shagging And Hate the World"
a sentimental meditation by Chris Sharp
http://www.spitemag.com/five/vday.html
"Bitter Guy Meets Bitter Gal"
a comic strip exploration of the year's greatest romance by Kevin Hines
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/bguy2.html
And finally, the real-life drama:
"If You Can't Fix My EMail, Could You Mow My Lawn?"
31-hours with technical support by the infinitely patient Audrey Duede
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/isp.html
Plus a few new letters in Hate Mail.
Let me know what you think, people. See ya next week.
2/3/98 (I think -- not really sure where this one goes):
Good morning. It's Tuesday. There's a new issue of Spite, and you can't put off reading it any longer.
Well, maybe you can. Let's run down the list: let's see, you've already managed to crawl out of bed, and make it to your feet. You gulped some coffee or milk or beer and maybe even ventured outside. The more ambitious of you actually arrived at an office, where you immediately plunged into checking your voice mail, and talking to friends. Maybe another cup of coffee. Of course, you can't forget a nice morning smoke to get the day kicked off right, and the first visit to the bathroom really shouldn't be skipped if you're going to enjoy this day at all. Drop your mail off at the company post office and check the paper before finally settling back at your desk. Neaten those papers, and make a list of everything you plan to accomplish. Then double-check your EMail for something important. Nothing?
Okay, then: the moment you REALLY can't put off any longer: the new issue of Spite.
1/27/98:
You know, you can't trust anyone anymore. The Broncos were supposed to
lose that Super Bowl. The President was supposed to only lie about
POLITICAL things. And my brother was supposed to have royally screwed up
Spite when he took over for two weeks. Really. That way, when I
returned, I would be hailed as the returning Good King. Instead no one
knows I left, or indeed, that I even came back. Or who I am.
But I am back...with a vengence! Instead of just ONE article, we're
publishing TWO new articles this week! The creativity couldn't be held
back! Instead of our usual ONE dose of rough-draft cynicism, we have
TWO. That means TWICE the bitterness, TWICE the rapier-sharp wit, TWICE
the time goofing off for you!
Just goes to show you that when everyone is lying to you, there are
still some things you can count on. I mean, we'll screw up someday --
but WE HAVEN'T YET!
This week:
"The President Should Be Allowed to Score Some Tang,"
sensitive political commentary by Bradford Contemporary
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/tang.html
And
"The Hazards of Downhill Skiing While Famous Must End"
A cry for the madness to stop by Chris Parent
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/ski.html
Plus the usual new batch of mail.
1/20/98:
Week 2 of Will-Free Spite!
I hope you have been enjoying these two Will-Free weeks as much as I
have. This week we have a rant on everyone's favorite megalomaniac:
Saddam Hussein!
http://www.spitemag.com/five/saddam.html
Sure he is an easy target, but that's why I wrote about him. Next week
Will returns with pretty much the same crap I have been dishing out
these last two weeks.
Did I say crap? I meant to say "the same thought-provoking intellectual
editorials you expect from a spectacular 'zine like Spite! "
Waiting for his hostess treat,
Kevin Hines
khines@voicenet.com
1/13/98:
An Important Message from Managing Editor, Kevin Hines.
Last week Editor Will Hines came to me and asked if I
would be interested in taking control of his wildly
popular e-zine SPITE! for two weeks while he took a
hiatus. I was honored at being chosen, and after his
girlfriend, his roomate, our younger brother, and all
of his co-workers refused to even consider the offer
I was practically his first choice!
But I don't work cheap. 100 dollars was my initial
offer, but the crafty Will counter offered, no money,
but said I could keep my artistic integrity.
We Compromised on a Twinkie and three Tic Tacs, with
no integrity.
Thanks to Will's generosity you can enjoy the first
Will-Free issue of Spite featuring:
The Hoax that is El Nino!
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/elnino.html
and a Special Feature!
http://www.spitemag.com/bile/bguy.html
Enjoy and I'll see you next week!
Kevin Hines
Managing Editor
11/17/97:
There's not much time. The venture capitalists are already banging at
our door, demanding to give us money. They've heard that big things are
afoot, and want to hear the news. But we swore we would tell you first:
Spite (http://www.spitemag.com/) is back. This time with a brand new
look, to go with the same old pissy attitude.
New graphics. Better layout. Newly updated every Tuesday. Spite is
moving into the big leagues. But before we sell out, which we are
prepared to do at a moment's notice, we want you to have a last look at
us in our glorious innocence.
For example, check out today's choleric outburst:
"SAVE BASKETBALL: BAN PATRICK EWING" by Stadley Rough
There's more where that came from. But you'll have to come back next
Tuesday. We are a once-a-week operation now. We are lowering our
standards, quadrupling the output, and passing the crap on to you!
So what are you waiting for? Check it out! There's a whole new Spite out
there, and it's just waiting for you to waste time with it! Hurry! Of
all the pointless EMails you receive today, this one is probably one of
the least pointless!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some seed money to collect.
There are newer ones of these.