Student Writing Sample: Averil Meehan

Most beginning screenwriters overwrite at every level: too much description, too much dialogue, too much directing of the camera (the reader should not be aware of the camera at all), too much choreography of the actors' movements.

Here's a sample of crisp, clean screenwriting from one of my online students, Averil Meehan from Ireland. Good screenwriting always can be read quickly and still be understood. Notice how strong the focus is here and how direct, even simple, the narrative is.


	EXT. STREET - DAY
 
	A lorry stops at traffic lights.  MEGAN, a rather
	bedraggled fifteen year old, pulls back the cover.  She
	grabs her plastic bag of belongings and jumps off.  Megan
	looks round, then runs to a shop doorway.
 
	Megan watches the lorry drive off, looks up and down the
	street, then edges out on to the pavement.
 
	She walks down the street gazing about her, and gives a
	little skip.  She walks on swinging her plastic bag.
 
	EXT. STREET - CHIP SHOP - NIGHT
 
	It is raining.  Megan is walking slowly, dragging her bag.
	She stops at a chip shop.  She goes inside.
 
	INT. CHIP SHOP - NIGHT
 
	Megan looks at the price list.  She takes a few coins out
	of her pocket, counts them then goes to the counter.  PAUL,
	a thirty year old, is behind it.  SYLVIE, his pregnant wife,
	is setting tables in the sit-in area.
 
                                MEGAN
                        Half a bag of chips.

                                PAUL
                        We don’t do half bags.
 
	Megan sets her coins on the counter.
 
                                MEGAN
                        Whatever I can get for that.
 
                                PAUL
                        You deaf or what?
 
                                MEGAN
                        Please.  I’m hungry.
 
                                PAUL
                        I feed you, I’ll have half the
                        bleedin’ city in here.  Go on, clear
                        out!

	Megan stares at him.  Paul races round the end of the
	counter, his fist raised.  Megan runs out.
 
	EXT. STREET - CHIP SHOP - NIGHT
 
	Megan stands outside and stares through the window.  A
	group of men come out.  She holds back against the wall and
	watches them eat.
 
	A woman comes out carrying a steaming parcel. Megan
	approaches her.
 
                                MEGAN
                        Can I have a few chips?
 
	The woman stares at her.
 
                                MEGAN
                        Please.  I’m hungry.
 
	The woman sniffs in disgust, then turns and walks away.
	Paul runs out.
 
                                PAUL
                        I warned you, clear off!
 
	Megan runs down the street.
 
	EXT. STREET - SHOP DOORWAY - NIGHT - LATER
 
	It is still raining.  Megan is sheltering in a shop
	doorway, lying wrapped in a cardboard box, shivering.  She
	watches the chip shop on up the street.
 
	A man comes out, stands a few feet from her, eating from
	his bag.
 
	A bus comes along, he flings the bag on the ground, and
	gets on the bus.
 
	Megan dashes over to the bag, takes it back to her
	cardboard shelter and starts to eat hungrily.
 
Also notice the use of strong verbs: edges out, races, holds back, counts, stares, sniffs, flings. Action verbs are a screenwriter's best weaponry.

Another example of good screenwriting.

Example of poor screenwriting.


[BACK TO TEXT]

7/00