Rewriting the Script

The First Draft


In the exercise below, I am presenting all of the "forest person" script pages I've written. I am going to rewrite them and let you look over my shoulder as I do. My comments will tell you what I am changing and why.

Passages I am changing will be hyperlinked to the changes. You can get a visual sense of how much rewriting I'm doing, too, by scrolling down and seeing the blue links. (As earlier, I'm using the character names Carlo and Andres throughout, one from each of our original two scripts.)

Note: the rewriting exercise below is relatively minor, compared to the major changes in story and character that can happen when a script is in development with a producer. To give you an indication of how this works, I've included two complete screenplays of mine:

Comparing these two screenplays will show you how much can change, even after a script is optioned. These changes are made because the producer wants them made, not because the writer wants them made. Once the producer options the script, he owns it (until the option expires) and if the writer doesn't want to make the changes, the producer will hire another writer to make them. Thus writers can be fired from their own projects -- and frequently are. Being a screenwriter in Hollywood can be a little like playing musical chairs -- you get fired from your own script and get rehired to rewrite someone else's script because s/he, too, has been fired. Such is the strange life of the screenwriter.


REWRITES

From Act One:


     FADE IN:


     EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

     A picture postcard view on a bright sunny morning. (1)

     INT. WHITE HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY

     The PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, 50s, and FIRST LADY, 40s, 
     sit at opposite ends of a long table. (2)

                               PRESIDENT
                    That's all I can tell you.  [ADD] (3)

     The First Lady stares at him.  She looks like someone ready to 
     explode. 

                               [ADD]

                               PRESIDENT
                    Gwen, you've lived in this town long
                    enough to know how vicious rumors can
                    be.

                               FIRST LADY
                    I don't believe they're rumors.  I think
                    it's the truth.

                               PRESIDENT
                    In many ways you're still the naive girl
                    from Nebraska, aren't you? (4)

     Suddenly, with a single sweep of her arm, the First Lady knocks her 
     dish (5) and coffee cup to the floor.  She quickly stands, temper 
     flush (6) on her cheeks.

                               FIRST LADY
                    Don't patronize me!

     She strides quickly out of the room.  The President gets up from the 
     table. (7)

                                PRESIDENT
                    Gwen, you're being irrational.  You're
                    just proving my point.

     But she's gone - just as THOMAS, 40s, a servant, enters the room. (8)
     
                                THOMAS
                    Mr. President?

                                PRESIDENT
                    The First lady had an accident.  We'll have to
                    get this cleaned up.

                                THOMAS
                    Yes, sir.

                                [ADD] (9)

     EXT. WHITE HOUSE - STREET/DRIVEWAY - DAY

     Two men stand by a car parked across the street from the driveway 
     into the White House. (10)  One is CARLO, 40s, handsome and fit.  His
     partner is ANDRES, 50s, overweight, who chomps on an unlit cigar in 
     his mouth.

                                 CARLO
                    Here she comes.

     Across the street, the First Lady comes out and bends into the 
     back seat of a limo [ADD]. (11)  She still looks like she's in a huff.

     Carlo and Andres hurry into their car, a clunker. (12)  Carlo starts the 
     engine.

     The limo pulls out and heads down the street.  Carlo and Andres
     move into traffic behind it. (13)

     INT. CAR - DAY

     Andres has taken a pistol out of the glove compartment and is 
     loading it.

                                  ANDRES
                    This better be the day.  I'm sick
                    of this shit.

                                  CARLO
                    I have a feeling it will be.

                                  [ADD] (14)
-------


       EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - STREETS - DAY

       The car continues to follow the limo through city streets.


       EXT. HOSPITAL - ENTRANCE - DAY

       The limo is parked in front of a hospital.


       INT. HOSPITAL - DAY ROOM - DAY

       The First Lady is visiting patients.  Her aides move her
       along, (15) aware that she is on a tight schedule.


       EXT. HOSPITAL - STREET - DAY

       The two men stand by their car, watching the limo across 
       the street. (16)

  
       [ADD]

                                CARL0
                 Amazing how much charity work she does, 
                 isn't it?

                                ANDRES
                 What's so amazing about it?

                                CARLO
                 She doesn't have to do this.

                                ANDRES
                 Course she does.  Makes the President look
                 good.

                                CARLO
                 Every day, three or four places like this?
                 It's a full time job.

                                ANDRES
                 What the hell else she supposed to do?  Spend 
                 the day at the beauty parlor?

                                CARLO
                 Here they come. (17)

       
       EXT. HOSPITAL - ENTRANCE - DAY

       The First Lady and her party get back into the limo.

       The limo pulls away from the hospital and back into traffic.

       The car moves in behind the limo again.


       EXT. GAS STATION - DAY

       The limo is getting gas.

       Carlo and Andres are parked down the way and watching.

       The First Lady gets out of the limo and heads for the 
       restroom, which is in the back of the building.

       Carlo seizes the moment.

                                CARLO
                 Now!

       They get into their car. (18)


       EXT. GAS STATION - RESTROOM - DAY

       The car pulls behind the gas station, near the restroom.

       Looking around carefully, Andres gets out and moves slowly 
       toward the door to the women's room.  He has his pistol at 
       the ready.

       Carlo, meanwhile, is slowly backing the car toward the
       door to the restroom. (19)

       Andres takes a position beside the door and waits.

       Carlo has the car in position and parks.  He and Andres exchange
       a tense glance.

       Just then a FEMALE CUSTOMER comes around the building to the 
       restroom.  She sees Andres and then the gun - and she SCREAMS.

       In the car, Carlo grimaces and gestures to Andres, "do something!"

       The restroom door opens, and the First Lady comes out.  Andres
       grabs her.

       The female customer turns and starts running for the corner of
       the building.

       [ADD]

       Carlo jumps out of the car and races to help Andres.

       Together, Carlo and Andres drag and shove the First Lady into 
       the back seat of the car.  Andres gets in with her as Carlo 
       slips back behind wheel.

       An AIDE comes around the building, gun drawn, and Andres stops 
       him with one shot.

       Carlo races out of the parking lot.

       The GAS STATION ATTENDANT races forward, firing a pistol at the 
       departing car. (20)

    
       INT. CAR - DAY

       Carlo is speeding through traffic.  His eyes dart up to the rearview
       mirror and back at traffic.

       In the back seat, Andres has the First Lady in quiet terror, the 
       pistol pointed at her head.

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[MORE REWRITES]


MODULE 9: SCREENWRIGHT: the craft of screenwriting

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